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00:00Thank you very much. You know I've been a show business a lot of years and I can
00:13usually look at an audience and tell immediately whether it's gonna be a good
00:17audience or a bad audience. This is the best audience I've ever played to. And you
00:29know when I tell you I've been a show business a lot of years you can believe
00:32me. I used to do a singing act called Brown and Williams. I was brown. Then I
00:38did an act called Harrigan and Friend. I was friend. Harrigan was a seal.
00:48Nice billing I got there. Then I did a dancing act called Goldie Fields and
00:53Glide. I was Glide. Then I finally did an act called Burns and Gary. I was Gary.
01:01And I worked with a fella named Charlie Low. Charlie used to stutter a lot. The only
01:10time Charlie didn't stutter is when he'd sing. Funny thing we played Altoona once
01:16and I was upstairs rehearsing the music and Charlie was downstairs unpacking our
01:20trunk. And he came up and he was as white as a sheet. He was all excited and he
01:25started to stutter and he stammered and he stuttered and he said
01:29and I said Charlie sing it. And he's saying we were just robbed.
01:41And another thing that happened in Altoona we used to do a number where Charlie would
01:45say Charlie said I'll take around the world to spend a honeymoon. And I said I
01:49never knew the world was in a furnished room. And he said all she'll get is the
01:52best. I said the sleeves from your best. And he said oh yes and I said no and then
01:56we dance. See. So all of a sudden Charlie started to stutter on the word moon. He
02:02says I'll take around the world to spend a honeymoon. And I says look Charlie I don't
02:07mind you stuttering in Altoona but next week we're playing New York City. We're
02:11playing the Jefferson Theater. And if we're a hit we get five weeks work. And if you
02:16stutter on the word moon we go back to Weenix restaurant. That's the place where
02:23we hung out when we laid off. And Charlie said don't worry he said I uh I won't
02:29stutter. We got on the stage of the Jefferson. And Charlie said I'll take
02:33around the world to spend a honeymoon. And I never waited. I says I never knew the
02:37world was in a furnished room. He said all she'll get is the best. I said the
02:40sleeves from your vest. And he said oh yes. And I said oh no. And Charlie said moon.
02:45From there we went to Weenix.
02:52Well maybe I'm worried about nothing. Maybe it's all in my imagination.
02:58Oh sure it is. Come on walk me home. After all I used to be Harry's secretary. That's
03:06how we met you now. Oh sure. And we used to work late just like he's doing now.
03:10I remember the first night he called me in to take a little dictation. He...
03:17I'll kill him.
03:21He's chasing that secretary around the desk right now. Oh Blanche relax. If it were my husband
03:27I wouldn't worry. Yeah but my husband can catch her.
03:33Gracie what am I going to do?
03:35Well I'll think of something. Come on I'll walk you home.
03:39Oh how about how about appealing to his finer nature?
03:44What do you mean?
03:45Well you say to Harry you say um how about our children and see what he says.
03:50He'll say we haven't got any children.
03:52Then you say yeah how about that. Never let them get the last word.
04:00Gracie I'm worried.
04:02Well what about? Suppose the secretary has got a pretty face and a gorgeous figure.
04:06Look what you've got.
04:08What? You've got friends.
04:13Uh thank you?
04:16Come on walk me home.
04:19You know Gracie I've been married to that man for 11 years
04:23and now I'll bet he's going to leave me for that blonde.
04:26Well so what? In another 11 years he'll get just as tired of her as he is of you.
04:32Feel better now?
04:34No in fact I feel just aw...
04:37Hello girls.
04:38Well I thought you were going to work late at the office with your new secretary.
04:43Well I caught up sooner than I expected.
04:47Blanche said you'd catch her.
04:50What?
04:51I'll see you later Blanche.
04:52Yes dear. Bye Gracie.
04:53And as for you Harry Morton, I tell you plenty if you aren't the woman who's my best friend's husband.
05:04What goes on?
05:05Please Harry.
05:06Not outside.
05:07Let's go in the house.
05:08I don't want the rest of the neighbors to know about our trouble.
05:11They know we live next door to Gracie.
05:16That reminds me.
05:17I've got to get cleaned up.
05:18We're going to the Burns' for dinner tonight.
05:20Oh are you taking me?
05:22Won't your blonde secretary be jealous?
05:25Blonde?
05:26My secretary happens to be a man.
05:28He's an old fraternity brother of mine.
05:30A man?
05:31But Gracie and I thought that...
05:33Oh Gracie again.
05:34She started all this.
05:35No she didn't Harry.
05:37If anything, I put the idea into her head.
05:39Blanche, you could put an idea into Gracie's head like you could put a basketball into a thimble.
05:47Now Harry, I don't want to hear...
05:49Why doesn't she stay home with her husband?
05:51If you had that husband, would you stay home?
05:54Well I wouldn't.
05:58I'd take him back to the judge that married me and I'd say,
06:01Look, I know I took him for better or for worse.
06:05But this is ridiculous.
06:09Doesn't deserve a wife like Gracie.
06:11Nobody does.
06:14I think Gracie is a very fine wife.
06:17You think?
06:18Blanche, you thought my secretary was a woman.
06:20How wrong can you be?
06:23Wait a minute.
06:24How do I know I'm wrong?
06:26I'd like to see that man secretary of yours.
06:30All right, Blanche.
06:31I'll call him.
06:32We'll have him over for dinner and settle this whole thing.
06:34Oh, but you can't do that.
06:35We're going to the Burns' for dinner.
06:36Good idea.
06:37I'd like to get Gracie to have a look at him too.
06:39Well, you don't need to act so hurt.
06:42There are plenty of married men who are interested in pretty girls.
06:45Not me.
06:46I gave that up when I married you.
06:50Really, Harry?
06:52What?
07:06Well, what do you think?
07:08Is Harry's secretary really a man?
07:11Or is he just covering up?
07:13You know, George S. Kaufman is responsible for tonight's plot.
07:18I asked him to write it and he said no, so I had to do it.
07:23But while we're waiting to find out, here's a dancer I saw the other night.
07:27I think this kid is real good.
07:29Ladies and gentlemen, Harrison Muller.
07:32Added by his wife.
07:33Who's left?
07:34Thank you all.
07:35Who's left?
07:36Who's left?
07:37The future?
07:38Who's left?
07:39A young man.
07:40Dafe.
07:41His wife.
07:42Who's left?
07:43Who's right?
07:44Who?
07:45Who's left?
07:46You?
07:47He's right.
07:48The future?
07:49Who's right?
07:50Your mother's left?
07:51Who's left?
07:52Let's go.
08:22Let's go.
08:52You couldn't loaf.
08:53You really had to dance.
08:55Would you like to have a little challenge dance?
08:59Yeah, that would interest me.
09:00A little challenge dance.
09:02Would you like to bet a dollar?
09:04Well, look, Harrison, before you start betting, I better warn you that I happen to be Glide of Goldie, Fields and Glide.
09:10Do you still want a better dollar?
09:13No, let's make it $5.
09:17Okay, Harrison, but not to embarrass you in front of the audience, I'm going to do all my tough stuff offstage.
09:23Take it, Harrison.
09:23Take it, Harrison.
09:54Bob Fosse, come out here.
09:57There's your $5, Bob.
10:01Hey, this is something.
10:03We look like Goldie, Fields and Glide.
10:04Okay, Harry, one, two, three, four.
10:08We go.
10:09We look like Goldie, Fields.
10:09We look like Goldie, Hills, that's where you've done so.
10:12How long?
10:13Yeah, he looks like Goldie.
10:14We look like Goldie, Fields and Glide.
10:48Well, that was real nice. I enjoyed that. And Harrison, a little carnation milk for you.
11:02Bob, a little carnation milk for you. Compliments from our sponsor.
11:06Oh, gee, thank you very much. Who is your sponsor?
11:12Croveney's Umbrellas.
11:13Well, they're pretty smart people to give you this. Carnation's wonderful milk.
11:20Yeah, that Croveney's a smart boy. Goodbye, fellas, and hold on to your tap shoes.
11:23Fellas, bye.
11:24Goodbye.
11:25You know, I worked up a little appetite for dinner here.
11:38And by the way, we're having some roast beef. I'll let you in on a little secret, how Gracie fixes roast beef.
11:45She buys two roasts, a big roast and a small roast. She puts them both in the oven.
11:51When the little roast starts burning, the smoke reminds her that the big one is done.
11:56You know, I can't wait for Harry Morton to come over.
12:02So much. Will you answer the phone? I'm busy in the kitchen.
12:06Okay. Excuse me, please.
12:12Hello?
12:12Oh, hello, Harry.
12:15Oh, sure. It's perfectly okay.
12:17Seven o'clock shop.
12:19Goodbye.
12:20There'll be an extra for dinner, Gracie.
12:22Harry Morton is bringing over a secretary.
12:24What did you say?
12:25I said Harry Morton is bringing over a secretary.
12:28Well, the nerve of that man.
12:29That's the blonde hussy who's breaking up their home.
12:32And now he's bringing her over here to break up ours.
12:36What?
12:37Oh, George Burns, I'll be watching you.
12:39And if you so much as take her on your lap and kiss her,
12:42I won't speak to you for the rest of the evening.
12:47Look, will you let me in on this?
12:50Oh, poor Blanche, but that's a man for you.
12:54Now, you take all the fickle husbands in the world,
12:56and I'll bet you that 90% of them are men.
13:02The other 10% are handled by our agent, I guess.
13:05No wonder women do terrible things.
13:07Men drive them to it.
13:09You take that woman who murdered her husband.
13:12The one the jury just freed.
13:14Why, she was...
13:14Wait a minute, she was freed by the jury?
13:16Well, naturally.
13:17They felt sorry for her.
13:18She was a widow.
13:22Well, naturally, yes.
13:23And besides, she had to kill him.
13:25She needed his insurance money to bury him.
13:30Well, I'm glad that she didn't spend it foolishly.
13:33Oh, men.
13:35Those terrible creatures.
13:36Those...
13:37I'm certainly glad...
13:39George, take the pot of puff out of my pocket.
13:43The pot of my nose.
13:45How do I look?
13:47Pretty.
13:48Now, where was I?
13:50Men.
13:51Oh, yeah.
13:51Men.
13:52That a girl.
13:53Now you're okay.
13:54Well, believe me, I'm glad my sister Hazel is only two-thirds married.
13:59Hazel is only two-thirds married?
14:01Well, sure.
14:01Only she and the minister showed up.
14:07Oh, yes.
14:07I remember the groom couldn't get away from his wife.
14:09Ah, remember?
14:10Oh, yes.
14:10Vividly, vividly.
14:12Oh, men.
14:13Look, Gracie.
14:15I know that you're all worked up, but I wouldn't let this get out of the house.
14:18Because if it does, you're going to be laughing.
14:20Yeah, let them laugh.
14:21They laugh at all intelligent women.
14:23They even laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.
14:32Built...
14:32Built what?
14:33The Arc.
14:35The Arc was built by a man.
14:38The person who built the Arc was a woman.
14:41Noah.
14:42How could I know if she's been dead for years?
14:46Gracie, don't you think you ought to finish dinner?
14:49I'm not going to cook for that blonde wolverine.
14:52You stir that.
14:53Okay, I'll stir it.
14:54I don't know what you're so excited about.
14:56Believe me.
14:57George, you're stirring it the wrong way.
14:59You'll unwind it.
15:04Well, my cooking teacher happened to be left-handed.
15:07And, Gracie, I'm sorry you feel that way about men.
15:11Oh, well, George, there's nothing personal.
15:13You're my husband.
15:14I don't think of you as a man.
15:17Oh, my...
15:17You know, Gracie didn't mean that the way she said it.
15:33And she's really not as silly as she sounds.
15:38And she loves me.
15:39Just the other day, she said,
15:41George, I wouldn't trade you for Gregory Peck.
15:44She is a little silly, isn't she?
15:46You know, I really can't wait for Morton to get here with the secretary.
15:51This ought to be a...
15:53Oh, no.
15:54No, she's too young.
15:55It couldn't be.
15:56Oh, there's Bill Goodwin.
15:58He'll find out.
15:58Pardon me.
15:59I'm looking for the Burns residence.
16:00Oh, the Burns house?
16:02Well, this is it.
16:02Come on in.
16:04Oh, pardon me.
16:05I've got to open the door.
16:06I'm here to get an interview for my high school paper.
16:09Oh?
16:09My, you're certainly better looking than people say you are, Mr. Burns.
16:13Oh, I'm not Mr. Burns.
16:15I'm Bill Goodwin.
16:16Oh, I'm sorry.
16:17I'm not.
16:19What does Mr. Burns look like?
16:21George, oh, for a man his age who's been through as much as he has, he looks terrible.
16:28Really?
16:29Yeah, very bad.
16:34Oh, Bill.
16:35Come right in, miss.
16:36How are you, George?
16:37Fine.
16:37Nice work.
16:38Wonderful.
16:39Say, George, this young lady wants to interview you for her school paper.
16:43Oh?
16:44Meet Miss...
16:44Bozio, Geraldine Bozio.
16:46I'm a student at Chadwick.
16:47How do you do?
16:48I've looked forward to seeing you in person for a long time, Mr. Burns.
16:52Surprised at the way I look?
16:53Oh, no.
16:54Mr. Goodwin told me what to expect.
16:58Well, you know me always trying to give a buildup to the boss.
17:02I am, yes.
17:03Man, my age, I look pretty terrible, don't I?
17:06That's the acoustics in here.
17:07Sit down, Miss Bozio.
17:09Yes.
17:09I'll get right to the interview if it's all right.
17:11All right.
17:11I have to be back at Chadwick in time for my home economics class.
17:14All right.
17:15Now, I was born on the east side of New York.
17:16Home economics.
17:17I say.
17:19That's cooking, isn't it?
17:21Yes.
17:21Yes.
17:22I was born on the east side of...
17:22Well, tell me, do you use carnation evaporated milk in your cooking class?
17:26Naturally.
17:27Naturally.
17:27I was born on the east side of New York.
17:28And they tell you, of course, that carnation is the milk from contented cows.
17:33Sure.
17:33Sure.
17:34Now, I was born on the east side of New York.
17:34And that no other form of milk has so many wonderful uses.
17:38Of course.
17:42Well, go ahead, George.
17:44This girl has to get back to her cooking class.
17:46I was born on the east side.
17:55I was born on...
17:56Carnation is great.
17:59Carnation is just good whole milk with nothing added but vitamin D.
18:05That's the sunshine vitamin.
18:06And nothing taken away but water.
18:08Bill, Gracie would like to see you in the kitchen.
18:10Oh, all right.
18:11Excuse me.
18:11I'm coming right in.
18:12All right, Bill.
18:16Now, I was born on the east side of New York.
18:18I got into show business.
18:19I was seven years old.
18:20I joined a quartet called the Pee-wee Quartet.
18:22And every Friday night, we would go on amateur night at a place called Miner's Bowery.
18:25One Friday night...
18:26Am I going too fast for you?
18:28What?
18:28Have you got what I said?
18:29Oh, excuse me, Mr. Burns.
18:31I was writing what Mr. Goodwin said about carnation milk.
18:34Would you start again, please?
18:38I was born on the east side of New York.
18:40Hey, Miss Bozio.
18:40Look, I've got a demonstration here that you can use in your cooking class.
18:45Now, carnation evaporated milk, just as it pours from the can, can be used instead of cream.
18:52It whips just like cream.
18:54Then, when you want milk, you just add an equal amount of water.
19:01Now, there you have milk that costs about one-third less than bottled milk.
19:05Isn't that wonderful?
19:06I'll make a note of that.
19:07Good.
19:07Oh, I'm sorry, George.
19:14I just got carried away again.
19:18Miss Bozio, you listen to every word he says.
19:20Now, I was born on the east side of New York.
19:24George!
19:27Yes?
19:28What kind of life savers do you like best?
19:30Whiver green spearmint or peppermint?
19:33Peppermint.
19:33Why?
19:34Well, I want you to know what kind you use.
19:36I'm making a hot mince pie.
19:37I was born on the east side of New York.
19:46I started the show business.
19:47I was seven years old.
19:48Hello?
19:50Well, I'm sorry.
19:51Mr. Burns is busy right now.
19:52Do you think you'd call back a little later?
19:55Yes, that'd be wonderful.
19:56Thank you very much.
19:57Okay, goodbye.
19:58It was too noisy.
20:00I couldn't hear a thing.
20:01Would you please start again?
20:03I was born on the east side of...
20:08I wasn't born at all.
20:11I just died.
20:14Kids in Chadwick, don't look.
20:19Hello, George.
20:20Come on in.
20:22Liquor and happiness, huh?
20:23Come on in.
20:24Bill.
20:25Hello, Bill.
20:27Say, George, I'd like you to meet my new secretary, Jim Benson.
20:31Pleasure, Mr. Benson.
20:32Hello, Mr. Burns.
20:34I thought your secretary was a woman.
20:36So did Blanche.
20:39Gracie, everybody's here.
20:41All right, dear.
20:42Coming right in with the order.
20:43Mr. Burns, perhaps I'd better come back another time.
20:46I think that's a pretty good idea.
20:47Well, hello, everybody.
20:49Uh-huh.
20:51So, you're the girl Harry Morton's chasing after.
20:55Gracie, this is Harry's secretary.
20:57Oh, really?
20:58Well, you're silly to chase after him.
21:00She's much prettier.
21:02I'll call you, Mr. Burns.
21:06Okay, goodbye, Mrs. Burns.
21:07Oh, don't go.
21:08Please stay and have dinner with us.
21:10All right.
21:11Oh, good.
21:12Who's that?
21:14I'll explain later.
21:15This is Mr. Benson, Mrs. Burns.
21:17Oh, how do you do?
21:17How do you do?
21:18Help yourself.
21:19Well, thank you.
21:20All right.
21:20Uh, Bill?
21:21Oh, thank you, Gracie.
21:23Oh, I just love these little sausages.
21:24They're even better when they're smoked.
21:26Oh, well, here.
21:27I'll wipe one for you.
21:29No, thank you.
21:31Sorry.
21:31Thank you, Gracie.
21:34Mmm.
21:35Delicious.
21:36What is it?
21:37It's a toothpick.
21:40Blanche?
21:41Thank you, dear.
21:42Oh, I had a letter from my mother today.
21:44Oh, how is everybody?
21:45Well, my mother said that last week
21:46my father had all his teeth taken out
21:48and tomorrow she's putting in a new carpet.
21:53Mr. Benson, Mr. Gallo.
21:54Oh, thank you, George.
21:55Fine.
21:56Okay.
21:57Willie.
21:58Well, now.
21:59Harry.
22:00How about some entertainment?
22:01Oh, that would sound wonderful.
22:02All right.
22:03Let's all go in the other room.
22:05In the other room?
22:05Yes, that's where the piano is
22:07and we'll hear George sing.
22:08Okay, let's all go.
22:10The store would be nice.
22:13Say, Bill.
22:15You know, when Jim Benson and I
22:16were in college together,
22:17we went to Europe one summer.
22:19Really?
22:19Yeah.
22:19Oh, you know, last year
22:21George and I went to Europe.
22:23Oh, travel is so educational.
22:26You know, you learn so much.
22:28Yes, you've really got to see up to know it.
22:30Yes.
22:30Were you in Paris?
22:31Well, I don't know.
22:32George always bought the tickets.
22:36Yes, we were in Paris.
22:37We traveled around a lot,
22:38went to all the small hotels.
22:40Matter of fact,
22:41it was sort of a second honeymoon for us.
22:42Did you get behind the iron curtain?
22:44No, this time we dressed right in the same room.
22:52George, these guys are just wonderful.
22:54I thought you'd like them.
22:55Oh, I've got a wonderful idea.
22:57What?
22:57How would you like to see a card trick?
22:59A card trick?
23:00Really?
23:01All right, George,
23:01get a bit of cards in there.
23:03And could I borrow your handkerchief?
23:04Yeah, sure.
23:04And oh, right on the matto,
23:06you'll find a scissor.
23:07A scissor?
23:07That's a good handkerchief.
23:08Oh, don't worry.
23:09My father showed me this years ago.
23:11Your father?
23:11Oh, good.
23:12You'll love this.
23:13You'll hold it, will you?
23:14Oh, thank you very much.
23:16This is really the best trick you ever saw.
23:19Now, wait.
23:27Wish my father were here.
23:29What, Dad?
23:29Come on.
23:31Well, come on.
23:32Let's all go in the other room here, George King.
23:34Come on.
23:35Let's go.
23:35Can you see?
23:36Well, I'm going in to get my ukulele.
23:43Well, looks like Sugar Throat's going to sing.
23:47Got any cotton in your pocket, Harry?
23:49I don't think he sings that bad.
23:52It's just sheer murder,
23:53but at least we'll get a free dinner out of it.
23:55Is he really that bad?
23:56Oh, yeah.
23:58Well, you know, Mrs. Burns,
23:59I've never heard your husband sing.
24:01Oh, my husband has a beautiful voice.
24:03Is that so?
24:04Yes, come on over here and we'll listen to him.
24:06Right down there.
24:07Right down there.
24:07Oh, quiet, everybody.
24:08Quiet.
24:09George is going to sing.
24:11I don't care what rich and so creamy that it's just...
24:15From time to time and every climb,
24:21blessings come from above.
24:26Oh, the little roast is burning.
24:28The big one's ready.
24:29Come on, everybody.
24:30Let's sing.
24:30Come on.
24:31Come on.
24:32Let's sing.
24:33Harry, let me send her to one person.
24:34One person.
24:36Come on in.
24:38You are the same.
24:40Your love is our lovely love.
24:43I thought it all and all.
24:46I have much to be fair as it's all.
24:49God.
24:50Goodbye.
24:50Goodbye.
24:50You want to come over here?
25:00Yes, we might as well stay this way
25:02We started out this way a lot of years ago
25:04Thank you very much, you were charming
25:07And Gracie and I will be back again in two weeks
25:09And Gracie, I want to tell you that your dinner tonight was delicious
25:13Did you like it?
25:14I loved it, especially that chocolate-covered dessert
25:16Oh, well I know how you love chocolate
25:18You always said that you could eat sawdust if there was no chocolate on it
25:22That's right
25:23And you can too
25:25Don't tell me
25:31Mm-hmm, too helping
25:32Say goodnight
25:37Goodnight
25:37That's it
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