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The Dick Emery Show S17E06
Transcript
00:00.
01:00Come along, droopy. Do keep up, old fellow.
01:20And try to look into the more cheerful. We are on holiday, you know.
01:25I liked it better last year when we were on that cruise.
01:28I'd hardly call two trips of stowaways on the Woolwich Ferry a cruise.
01:34Ah, what have we here?
01:35I should think they'd welcome anyone in a gall-forsaken place like this.
01:46Tip Thorpe Gurney.
01:48The very name rolls off the tongue.
01:51It conjures up the very essence of old England.
01:54Why couldn't we have gone for a nice little walk round the North Circular?
01:58Sometimes I despair of you, droop.
02:01I can't help being a townie.
02:03How far from the smoke are we now?
02:05Oh, let's see.
02:14That's, uh, three radio times. That's very hard wearing, that.
02:19Two daily mirrors.
02:22That's, uh, about 152 miles.
02:25You know, College, I, I envy you your education. I really do.
02:32Yeah.
02:33Come on.
02:40I don't know, College.
02:42I just don't feel comfortable outside London.
02:45My dear old chap,
02:46the whole object of this little safari
02:49is to remove ourselves
02:50from the pestilential stink and din
02:52of the urban conurbation.
02:55Pardon?
02:55To escape from the noise and clatter of the metropolis
02:58into the blissful peace and tranquility of the countryside.
03:03Fill your lungs with good, clean air!
03:06What's that?
03:07Savor the pure, scented atmosphere!
03:09Oh!
03:12Oh!
03:16Oh, College, I'd hardly call that fresh.
03:25Oh, my God, I'd say it was extremely fresh.
03:37Oh, my God, look at that poor basket.
03:40Not an ounce of flesh on you.
03:42My poor friend,
03:43how innocent you are of country matters.
03:46That thing is simply a device
03:48placed there by the farmer
03:49to scare the birds off his crops.
03:51Nice bit of clobber he's wearing.
03:54Here, do you think he'd mind
03:55if I did a swap, eh?
03:56Why not?
03:57The farmer might be pleased.
03:59His aim is simply to scare crows.
04:02Your cast-offs could well divert
04:03Boeing 707s.
04:05All right, let's get to it.
04:19Don't let him go.
04:19What happened to you?
04:19to you surely you're not going to molest that young lady my good man oh not yet i ain't but
04:34you wait till i get her in the ice stack thanks mate where are you what do you think that i call it
04:48hey oh extremely elegant how well the jacket fits across the shoulders you must give me the name of
04:56your scarecrow are you trying to take the mickey you know man merely a passing jest yeah well it's
05:03certainly past me here you don't think the farmer will come after me that nick in his gear do you
05:13have no fear my old and rare country people are kindly and warm-hearted a little slow moving
05:19perhaps but generous to afford
05:27get out of the blasted way
05:28they're not all slow moving are they probably going to an emergency funeral
05:44come on doc wake up you were just in time for morning surgery
06:00oh that was most enjoyable mr burke yes that's the first all night funeral i've been to
06:15yes thanks for the lift home it's a pleasure doc yes it's the least i could do after all
06:20where would our firm be without you damn nice of the family to invite us back after the funeral don't
06:25you think oh yes it was indeed yes and in spite of the fact that they had fireworks a west indian
06:31steel band and a john travolta look-alike disco dancing competition i think the family were genuinely
06:39grieved at the loss of her ladyship oh yes they was desolated and in any case the music did drown the
06:45sound of them quarreling over her jewelry yes yes that's quite right yes mind you keep this to yourself
06:53i don't think his lordship's got long poor old fella's on his last leg oh really yes i'll make a note of it
06:59thank you for the tip doc is he under you a medical care oh most certainly yes ah then i have a blank day
07:05next thursday week now good heavens mr burke such things are not in my hands you know
07:14oh well any particular time next thursday
07:35yes what do you want young man uh excuse me madam miss oh miss well see i'm looking for a bit of
07:59casual work you know part-time like i was wondering if i could do your garden for you you'd better come
08:05in then i can give you five pounds for two afternoons a week with a nice long tea rip oh thank you miss
08:12i really put my back into it i hope you will i don't want you to stop well first of all you'd better
08:19come inside and take all those soaking wet clothes off you but why mr royce a bone don't argue you naughty boy
08:31oh oh are you married i don't think you put a night on you
08:34i can i have to do with a pint college if wishes were horses beggars would ride yeah but i don't want
08:51to ride i want to drink your grasp of philosophical concepts is minimal old man it's very nice of you to say
08:58so but i'm still thirsty you won't have forgotten that we're penniless broke baratiglit how could i forget
09:05we always are just a moment i think i see several gallons of ale up ahead
09:15even a couple of large whiskies and soda what you talking about leave it to me droop
09:22come when i call
09:35quite delightful isn't it oh yeah just just as cute as all get out yes and very comfortable to live in
09:41i can assure you you mean to say that you're the owner my feeling is that a thing of beauty belongs
09:48to the world my sentiments exactly sir you don't mind then if i shoot a few pictures in good lord no
09:56although as president of the titthorpe gurney preservation society i feel i'd be failing in
10:01my duty if i didn't beg a small contribution to our fans oh hell yeah would uh would a pound be okay
10:09every little helps you're too kind oh uh you must excuse my appearance i took a tumble while hunting
10:18this morning awfully dusty this time yeah well obviously uh you're an authority on the local scene
10:27here uh could you show me a couple other points of interest but i haven't got a lot of time you know
10:32i gotta take in all of france tomorrow what about our charming little 14th century church
10:40now the vicar told me that was 12th century uh it's awfully slow builders in those days
10:46what about uh the war memorial on the village green got it the early tudor car park got it just a
10:56thought have you met our village idiot oh come on now they they don't really exist oh my dear sir
11:05every self-respecting village has an idiot and we pride ourselves that ours is a superb example
11:11unbelievably stupid i'll call him over for you hey you fellow come here you'll find this difficult to
11:19credit but if you were to offer him a ten pretty piece or a ten pound note he'd take the coin every
11:26time come on now you're having me on no no no no i assure you i'm prepared to wager on it a pound say
11:34why not let's give a little old world
11:39now pay attention and listen to what this gentleman has to say see now look here boy now uh what would you
11:46rather have um this uh bright shiny little corner or this little bitty piece of paper you won't choose them
11:59look
12:04good gracious me how utterly amazing that's the first time in 20 years this is your lucky day you've won the
12:10one of a pound you know you've got to get a pound early in the morning to fool a little old texas country boy
12:17so we british we always prided ourselves on being good losers well maybe that's because you had so much
12:23practice you're absolutely right sir well i bid you a good day
12:30all i did was win a little old bet in it
12:50all right droop hand it over
12:56did i do all right college first class old son that's good only i wasn't quite sure whether you
13:00wanted me to take the ten pence piece you are an idiot
13:09good morning colonel sir all's well with you i trust no damn well some blighters have been
13:26perching on my land again lord knows how many brace of pheasants i've lost oh dear oh dear
13:33well naturally i'll do my best to bring them to book but it ain't easy
13:36these rogues are very flying cunning you know yeah well i can give you a lead there
13:40last night my gamekeeper spotted a couple of them in the long spinny did he recognize the villain sir
13:46no no unfortunately no moon you see no moon and they were wearing dark clothes
13:51but he did lose off a couple of barrels of his 12 bore adam pepper their backsides i shouldn't wonder
14:00now that's a clue but very well assisted my investigations uh shut up the uh posterior
14:09yeah well look into it we want results oh you can safely leave it in my answer
14:14right good day to you good day sir
14:25morning vicar good morning constable
14:27oh god that was a good night's kick college lovely and comfortable and all
14:44yet another advantage of the countryside old man beats a bus shelter in the old kent road eh
14:50not only that we are provided with breakfast oh smashing how would you like them scrambled
14:59boiled or perhaps a delicious omelette here if we could find a pig we could have eggs and a couple
15:05of rushes of bacon really droopy some things are beyond even my expertise
15:10oh fancy this week this time of the morning champagne may be but brown ale never suit yourself
15:23however don't discard the bottle should we come across a cooperative cow we'll borrow a drop of fresh
15:29milk my mum always used to get her milk at the co-op sometimes i find your naive
15:3520 20. yeah yours ain't bad either college here let's get out of here before somebody spots us
15:42and calls the law right how many times do i have to tell you that the true countryman with his generous
15:47spirit would never begrudge a night's rest and a little light refreshment to a careworn traveler
15:53he would simply doff his cap humbly smile and say gotcha you horrible little articles
15:58stand right where you are you no good idols scrounging lay about tramps you are mistaken my good sir i
16:06shut up oh gold you've been sleeping in my barn and that amounts to committing a trespass
16:11an entirely unwarranted assumption you're covered all over in my straw yes and we'll thank you to remove
16:17it before we start charging you rent you cheeky little tight
16:28as i was saying i'm an inspector from the egg marketing board and i'm happy to report
16:34that your eggs are the highest quality congratulations and good day on behalf of my friend and myself you
16:41you take one step and i'll blow your head off it wasn't going nowhere dusting down in my property
16:47nicking my eggs and what's more i seem to recognize that clobber your mates are wearing
16:54that's come off my scarecrow no it didn't well yes it did my friend replaced it with his own which is
17:02infinitely more repellent it's true guv honest there's nothing more disgusting than my gear exactly
17:08even get rid of slugs leaving that's what you've been up to and i intend to make quite sure that you
17:15suffer for it you can't take the law into your own hands we insist you send for the peace oh i will if
17:21you like copper is my brother-in-law oh well then send for the nearest magistrate you couldn't be any
17:31nearer i'm him there's only one thing left to do droopy what's that plead guilty but insane
17:47droopy yes college i hate to confess it but you were right all along how do you mean next year we'll
17:56go for a nice quiet little stroll around the north circular yes it was um it was 19 19 20 or
18:20was it 22 i'm not sure and i was going for a quiet stroll in the jungle near similar when suddenly i came
18:30face to face with a fierce tigress great scots what did you do do what what could i do i mean i i hadn't a gun
18:39not even a cave so i must confess i turned and ran ah two more chota pigs perkins please yes yes well now
18:52where was i oh yes yes well there i was running you see and suddenly my britches came down so i took
19:00them off and continued running tiger is still in hot pursuit oh yes i'll i'll never forget those great
19:09white teeth and her hot breath fanning the cheeks of my rear oh where the devil are those drinks perkins
19:21yes oh damn now where was i uh you were telling me about her great white
19:27teeth and a hot breath fanning the cheeks of your rear was i oh yes yes yes malta 1923 damn fine girl
19:48good you there
20:18So, you've decided to come home, then?
20:22Where have you been this time?
20:24Britain. Where else?
20:25Oh, what a gain.
20:28That place must be a total wreck by now.
20:31Well, you know what these rape and pillaging expeditions are like.
20:34Times you keep going over there, I don't think there's much left to pillage.
20:38Still enough left for us to keep us busy, you know.
20:44Got to teach them a lesson, haven't you?
20:46And I'd like to teach you a lesson.
20:48Month after month, away for weeks on end.
20:52That carcass has been on that spit for a fortnight now.
20:55Oh.
21:02Tastes all right to me?
21:03Yeah, so it should, the price they charge for it.
21:06Now, my love, I brought you one or two things back.
21:09Oh, oh, lad. Oh, you shouldn't.
21:11That's what I keep telling myself.
21:13What is it, then?
21:15Well, hang on a minute. Don't get excited.
21:17Here we are.
21:18What's it got?
21:19There they are.
21:20How about that, then?
21:22Oh.
21:23Oh, let's see.
21:24Oh.
21:25Oh, it's beautiful.
21:27Yeah, I did a castle in Northumberland.
21:29Yeah?
21:29She left it on the bed.
21:32She?
21:33Well, this old lady.
21:34Yeah, she ran off before I could tell her she'd left it behind.
21:38Couldn't half go, though.
21:39How old was she?
21:41Ninety.
21:42Ninety?
21:43No, that was the speed she was doing.
21:46I say, it must have cost a fortune.
21:49Yeah.
21:49Here.
21:50What do you think?
21:51Oh, it goes well with that dress, doesn't it?
21:54Yeah.
21:54Lovely.
21:55Come on a minute.
21:56Yeah?
21:56What else?
21:58Cool, cool.
21:59Whatever's that?
22:05I haven't got the foggiest.
22:06It's very valuable, though, because she tried to hide it.
22:09Oh, where'd you find it?
22:11Under the bed.
22:15It must be some sort of left-handed loving cut.
22:21They're going for a lot of them over there.
22:23Yeah.
22:24It'll do for the potatoes.
22:26Well, whatever's that thing?
22:34Well, some kind of belt, isn't it?
22:38What's it do?
22:45Well, uh...
22:48Nothing if you haven't got a key.
22:51You've got a key.
22:56Yeah, I found one under the mat.
22:58Did you?
22:59Oh, that was nice.
23:02They get these under some sort of national health scheme, you know.
23:07Okay.
23:07Yeah.
23:09Here we are.
23:10Something else.
23:10Oh, I found this by the bedside table.
23:13Oh.
23:14Must be a member of the family.
23:15Here, let's have a look.
23:19Yeah.
23:20Yeah.
23:22Ugly old bag, isn't she?
23:26Yeah.
23:27Funny lot over there.
23:28Yeah.
23:29You must have had a rough time.
23:30Oh, yeah.
23:32At it all the time we were.
23:34Do you know, the fellow who owned the castle must have had a hundred handmaidens all over the place.
23:38Idle rich.
23:40Oh, rich, yes.
23:41But I can't say he's really idle.
23:43Here we go.
23:46Have a look at this.
23:47This is nice.
23:48You like this.
23:49Oh.
23:50Look at that.
23:51Hey.
23:51Oh, show.
23:52Oh.
23:53Look at that, eh?
23:54Had a hell of a job ripping that off.
23:56Ripping it off who?
23:57Oh.
23:58It was on the back of a door.
24:01On a nail.
24:02Oh.
24:03Here.
24:04Nice.
24:04I think I'll keep it for when I go outside.
24:07I wouldn't.
24:08Pigs won't recognise you.
24:11Here, tell you something.
24:12Listen.
24:13Yeah?
24:13Look at this.
24:14Show you this.
24:15What?
24:15Right there.
24:16Fancy using good material like this.
24:19Look at that.
24:19Yeah.
24:20Fancy using good material like that to make cheese with.
24:23No.
24:24No.
24:24No.
24:24No.
24:24No.
24:24No.
24:24No.
24:25No.
24:25No.
24:25No.
24:25No.
24:25No.
24:25No.
24:26No.
24:26No.
24:26No.
24:26No.
24:27No.
24:27No.
24:27No.
24:27No.
24:28No.
24:28No.
24:28No.
24:29No.
24:29No.
24:29No.
24:29What?
24:30Put one on each leg.
24:32Help me to keep the draught out when you're milking the cows.
24:35No.
24:35I don't know what.
24:36I'd look silly with these tied round me legs.
24:38Well, it's just a suggestion.
24:39Oh, I'll laugh.
24:41You haven't half been busy.
24:42Yeah.
24:43At it all the time we was.
24:45Never stopped.
24:46Yeah.
24:47Oh.
24:48There's someone else here.
24:48No.
24:49I haven't finished yet.
24:49Yeah.
24:50Here you are.
24:51What?
24:52What's that?
24:54Turnit bags.
24:58That's no good.
24:59I mean, it only holds two.
25:01Yeah.
25:01Yeah.
25:01Yeah.
25:01Yeah.
25:02But you should have seen the size of them.
25:05I wouldn't keep mine in there.
25:08Oh.
25:08Well, let's face it.
25:09Yours would be lost in there, wouldn't it?
25:16Oh.
25:18Oh, er.
25:18They're still going for catapults over there.
25:22Yeah.
25:22They're years behind the time.
25:24Well, it looks just like a pair of pants, doesn't it?
25:26Yeah.
25:26It's a sort of a camouflage for the catapults, you see.
25:30Oh.
25:30Oh, well, that's clever, isn't it?
25:32Yes.
25:33Yes.
25:33They didn't fool us, though.
25:34They put up a hell of a fight, but we managed to get them down in the end.
25:38You think they'd just have surrendered?
25:41Yeah.
25:41Well, the British put up a big fight, you know.
25:43Never mind, Olaf.
25:45Perhaps you won't have to go through all this again.
25:47Ah, well, the Chief's given us all a week off, thank God.
25:50A week?
25:51Yeah.
25:51Oh, Olaf.
25:53A week?
25:55Oh.
25:56Here.
25:57We mustn't waste a second.
26:02Olaf.
26:02Olaf.
26:06I'm ready and waiting.
26:07Why can't the British come over here for a change?
26:20Olaf.
26:21Olaf.
26:21Olaf.
26:22Olaf.
26:22Olaf.
26:23Olaf.
26:23Olaf.
26:24Olaf.
26:25Olaf.
26:26Olaf.
26:27Olaf.
26:28Olaf.
26:29Olaf.
26:30Olaf.
26:31Olaf.
26:32Olaf.
26:33Olaf.
26:34Olaf.
26:35Olaf.
26:36Olaf.
26:37Olaf.
26:38I've no sympathy, Dad.
26:40You've no one to blame but yourself.
26:42That injury was caused by too much beer.
26:45Well, not from drinking it.
26:47When a barrel of ale falls off a back of a lorry and rolls onto your foot,
26:51you can hardly call that loose living, can you?
26:53Well, you should have got out of the way.
26:56Unless you were trying to save it from hitting someone.
26:58Trying to save it for myself.
26:59Typical.
27:00Could do with the drop now, I tell you.
27:02I'm gasping, are you?
27:04When I think of that rotten Ernie clearing off down to the boozer
27:06and leaving me here on me home.
27:08I'll make you a nice cup of tea, if you like.
27:10Tea?
27:11Do you really know?
27:12You must be joking.
27:13Least he could do is send in a few bottles to ease the pain.
27:14It's no good moaning, Dad.
27:15The doctor said you must stay off that foot for at least a week.
27:16I suppose I shall have to crawl upstairs to bed on me hands and eat.
27:17Well, you've had plenty of practice.
27:18The state you come home in some nights.
27:19Here, I've just had a thought.
27:20There's a bottle of scotch in the sideboard.
27:21There's a bottle of scotch in the sideboard.
27:22I think I'll have a nip.
27:23Just for medicinal purposes.
27:24All right.
27:25All right.
27:47All right.
27:56Oh, dear.
27:58I've just remembered.
28:00Empty? That bottle was a quarter full.
28:03I know, but when Ernie had that nasty cold last week,
28:05he finished it off as a nightcap.
28:07I'll finish him off, I tell you.
28:08I'll get my hand on him.
28:10All right, calm down, don't panic.
28:13Well?
28:14It so happens as half a bottle I keep tucked away
28:17at the back of the kitchen cabinet.
28:19Purely for emergencies.
28:22You are a nice, kind, thoughtful girl, you are.
28:28This is an emergency, isn't it?
28:32Go on, say it is, eh?
28:36I suppose so.
28:39Ah, dear.
28:41Just like your dear mum, rest her soul.
28:43She was always one to think of others.
28:45And you've been blessed with the same sweet and loving nature.
28:50Always been a comfort to me, you have.
28:55You silly, clunky, gruffly, stupid...
28:59Dad, it slipped through me fingers.
29:03Well, don't just stand there.
29:04Get a sponge.
29:07And then I'll suck it out.
29:09Oh, I'm sorry.
29:12It was an accident.
29:14You don't know.
29:15Lord, just relax and we'll have a nice evening together watching the telly.
29:19All right.
29:20Let's see what's on.
29:21Yes.
29:23Oh, look, here's something you'll like.
29:25Oh, yes.
29:26First showing on British television.
29:28A spectacular western.
29:30How?
29:32Massacre at Comanche Canyon.
29:33Oh, yes.
29:34Oh, I like a good western.
29:37This is the story of one of the most momentous battles ever fought by the United States' seventh capital.
29:43Oh, I've got to enjoy this.
29:44As the beleaguered fort, the trembling knee faces a Comanche attack.
29:49The situation becomes explosive.
29:51Nothing worse could possibly happen tonight.
30:05I suppose I'd better switch it off.
30:07Yes, well, be careful.
30:08It's smoking.
30:09There, go.
30:11Up.
30:11There.
30:13Oh, I wonder who that is.
30:15I bet I know.
30:16It's Ernie.
30:17He's come with a few bottles of stout.
30:19Ha, ha.
30:19Good old Ernie.
30:21Look, Dad.
30:24It's Ernie's sister.
30:26Oh, boy.
30:29And I said nothing worse could possibly happen tonight.
30:32Hello, James.
30:35Hello, Edie.
30:37As soon as I heard of your tragic accident, I said to myself, Edie, I said, you must go
30:44round and see that poor old man, because it may be your last chance.
30:49I've only hurt me foot.
30:50Exactly what happened to Mr. Wilkins, my neighbour.
30:54He'd be about the same age as you.
30:57Well, I don't suppose it troubled him for long, did it?
31:00Only about three days.
31:02Well, there you are.
31:02He did it on the Monday, and they buried him on the Friday.
31:10Look, apart from me foot, I'm in perfect physical condition.
31:13I beg to differ, James.
31:15Your body has been ruined and prematurely aged.
31:20Well, yours looks as if it could do with a bit of shoring up and all.
31:23I agree with you, James.
31:25What?
31:26My corporal substance has also been attacked and ravaged.
31:31If you're referring to that Canadian soldier on Waterloo Station during the war...
31:36Look, look, look, look.
31:38He must have been drunk.
31:40His rambling simply confirmed the theories of the society, of which I have recently become
31:46honorary secretary.
31:47Oh, what society is that, Edie?
31:50The wave watchers.
31:52Have you ever noticed that the world has become increasingly full of crackpots?
31:58Yes, it has crossed my mind.
32:02Well, my society knows what's causing it.
32:07Wireless waves.
32:08Wireless waves?
32:09Yes.
32:10They're cutting through us every minute of the day.
32:13Oh, good.
32:14And it isn't only wireless, you know, it's television as well.
32:19Bombards you from all angles.
32:22Millions of pictures puncturing your most private cavities.
32:27Top of the pox, they come dancing, tearing through your bodily organs.
32:34Master minds straining your cerebral spheres.
32:40Miss World testing your old grey whistle.
32:44Edie, do the doctors know about these theories?
32:49Oh, it's no good talking to them.
32:52They're all potty.
32:54Any rate, take my advice.
32:56And wear a lead vest.
33:01Oh, I'll get it.
33:04Where my luck's going today, that's somebody come to give me the rabies.
33:07Oh, hello, Curly.
33:10What brings you here?
33:11I've just seen Ernie down at pub.
33:13Oh, yes.
33:13Did he send you round with some beer?
33:15Or a bottle of scotch, per chance?
33:16Afraid not.
33:17Well, nothing to drink at all?
33:19Not a drop.
33:20A rotten lamb-out swine.
33:22He did send this, though.
33:24Come on, up the board.
33:26Ha, ha.
33:26Do every pint slide up in a bar.
33:28Ha, ha.
33:30He's a braver, that Ernie, isn't he, eh?
33:32Ha, ha.
33:33Good old Ernie.
33:34I always say he's a gooder.
33:35For your cap on.
33:36Thank you, love.
33:37And your scarf.
33:38That's right.
33:38You enjoy yourself.
33:39Thank you, darling.
33:40No use trying to escape the waves, James.
33:43There's no refuge in liquor.
33:46According to you, we're done for already.
33:49There's a television down at the pub.
33:51I'm going to have a drink
33:51and then commit suicide by watching a western.
33:54Good luck.
33:56APPLAUSE
33:57Come on.
34:14I'm ready and waiting.
34:15I'm waiting.
34:27That carcass has been on that spit
34:30for a fortnight now.
34:32Oh?
34:42Tastes all right to me?
34:44So it should,
34:45and all the price they charge for it.
34:47Cut me bleep finger now.
34:48LAUGHTER
34:49LAUGHTER