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  • 2 days ago
The Dick Emery Show S17E04
Transcript
00:00.
00:05.
00:20.
00:26.
00:27.
01:03Dad?
01:04Yes, son?
01:05When are we going to get on the big aeroplane?
01:08We're on it now.
01:09We're just coming in to land at Majorka.
01:11Oh.
01:12Well, what was that other plane we was on then?
01:15What other plane?
01:17You know, when I was air sick.
01:20That was a bus.
01:21The airport bus.
01:23Oh, yeah.
01:25I thought we were flying low when we nearly at that baker's bay.
01:29Are we in fallen parts now, Dad?
01:43Yeah, this is one of the famous Mediterranean resorts.
01:46Playground of the idle rich.
01:48It's a pity Mum couldn't have come with us.
01:50She's idle.
01:51She didn't get parole in time, could she?
01:53Oh, look, Dad.
01:54That's nice.
01:55Oh, look, Dad.
01:59That's nice.
02:00Oh, look.
02:01That's nice.
02:02Oh, look.
02:03That's great, isn't it?
02:04Oh, look.
02:05That's great, isn't it?
02:06Oh, look.
02:07That's great, isn't it?
02:08Oh, look.
02:09That's great, isn't it?
02:10Oh, look.
02:11Oh, look.
02:12Oh, look.
02:13That's great, isn't it?
02:15Yeah, Dad.
02:30That's great, isn't it?
02:44You're dead.
02:45What is it, son?
02:46I've just realised something.
02:48The driver, I think he's...
02:51Missed? What's he missed?
02:53No.
02:56Doesn't look as though he's been drinking.
02:58He's driving on the wrong side of the road.
03:03No, they all do that over here, son.
03:06Must have a lot of extency.
03:14You must excuse my son Gaylord.
03:16It's his first trip out of dear old Blighty
03:18and he doesn't understand the half-baked ways of these stupid foreigners.
03:23Is it so?
03:24Oh, wait a minute. Don't tell me. Let me guess, eh?
03:29Walsi Matilda. Walsi Matilda.
03:33Right, cobbler.
03:35Hey, them, son Hamburg.
03:37Oh.
03:39Bonjour, senor.
03:41Here, son. This gent's a hamburger.
03:43Oh.
03:44Well, shouldn't he be covered with onions and tomato sauce?
03:52Oh, he's a carnivore. Popular.
03:55Oh, you wouldn't believe it.
03:57I don't believe it.
03:59Where are you staying, if I'm my makes abode?
04:01I am staying at the Hotel Grand Ville Mill, as a matter of fact.
04:05Well, that's just like us what we is.
04:08Oh. Oh, yeah.
04:10By courtesy of Tupperfish Cakes.
04:13I'm afraid I don't understand.
04:15We won this holiday in a newspaper competition.
04:18Actually, when I say we, my son won it.
04:21He's a genius at that sort of thing.
04:23Incredible.
04:24Yeah, it wasn't easy either.
04:26Out of 12 examples, he had to pick which was the most important reason for buying Tupperfish Cakes.
04:33You know, like, uh, highly nutritious, 100% pure fish, delicious flavour, that sort of thing.
04:40And he picked the right one.
04:42And what was it?
04:43The sold in red packets.
04:45Now, you and me, we wouldn't have thought of that, but he did.
04:49And that wasn't all.
04:51So small.
04:52He had to make up a jingle, what they could use on the telly.
04:55Go on, Gay Lord.
04:56Sing him the jingle.
04:57All right.
04:59Tupperfish Cakes are the best.
05:01They're made from plates and marlet.
05:03Your stomach heaves in shitty light, as they slip down your garlic.
05:09That's a idiot.
05:11Yeah.
05:12I mean, Alfred Lord Browning could have penned that.
05:15Very amusing.
05:17Just to be hoped, you will enjoy your holiday.
05:19Nice of you to say that.
05:20You being a boss and all.
05:21Just so that you lot don't hold it against us, British, for whopping it up you all the time, eh?
05:27Hang on.
05:28Just a minute.
05:30There's a wasp on your right.
05:31So?
05:32No need to thank me.
05:33No, no.
05:34Just doing my bit for Anton Cordial.
05:35As I was saying to my son only the other day, if Kevin Keegan can bring himself to play for those rotten Germans, there must be some good in them somewhere.
05:47There must be some good in them somewhere.
05:49There must be some good.
05:50Nothing.
05:51Good night.
05:52Yes, everyone.
05:53It's fine.
05:54Oh, my God.
06:24Oh, lads, to give you a hand, monsieur.
06:28Oh, really? Please, I can manage.
06:30Nonsense! Least we can do,
06:32seeing as we've struck up such a pleasant acquaintance.
06:34But I don't. Here, son.
06:35You're dead?
06:37What's wrong? Cop hold of this.
06:40How?
06:42I assure you, I don't need any assistance.
06:44Don't? Don't rubbish. What a nice fall.
06:47Once you make friends of an Englishman,
06:49he'll never let you down.
06:50Stand still.
06:54What'd you do that for, son?
07:02There was a wasp on his hat, Dad.
07:04Yeah, there's a lot of them about, innit?
07:07That was quick thinking.
07:08Well done.
07:13Yeah, Dad,
07:14we make friends ever so quickly, don't we?
07:16That gentleman's quite upset we're leaving him.
07:18It's the same to how well there was, son.
07:20Everybody loves the British.
07:22That's because we're superior, you see.
07:24Yeah, superior.
07:25Superior.
07:25I'm out here on the shelf, Dad.
07:47Here, what do you think of this hotel?
07:53What's in it?
07:54Yeah.
07:55The only thing is,
07:56I don't like that tiny little wash basin in the bathroom.
07:59I had to kneel down to clean my teeth in it.
08:02That's not a wash basin, son.
08:04That's what the Spanish call a bidet.
08:07What's your for, then?
08:08Well, it's obvious, innit?
08:09You sit on it and wash your socks.
08:12Well, you're not used for us.
08:14We're only here for a week,
08:15so we don't need to take ours off.
08:18Room for the long-term guests.
08:20Yeah.
08:21Yeah, I'm half looking forward to this holiday date.
08:24So am I,
08:25and it's all thanks to you.
08:27And Aunt Evie, don't forget.
08:28Oh, yeah, she did her little bit.
08:30Yes.
08:31Cos if she hadn't happened to work
08:32in Tupper's Fishgate's post room,
08:35she couldn't have burnt all those other entries.
08:37Then I might not have one.
08:41Here.
08:43Here's our mate down there.
08:45Which mate?
08:46That hamburger we met on the bus.
08:49I can't see him.
08:50Yeah, down there, look,
08:51by the pool.
08:53I'll get his attention.
08:58He's waving to us.
09:03Ole, amigo.
09:04Come on, jump, jump, jump.
09:06Come on, come on, come on.
09:07And now he's gone swimming with all his clout on.
09:16Foreigners.
09:17Foreigners.
09:19What shall we do this morning, Dad?
09:41Shall we go to the beach
09:42and go out on the pedal boats again?
09:43After yesterday, I don't think that's a good idea.
09:47You didn't exactly make yourself very popular.
09:50Well, I was only playing life-saving, Dad.
09:52I know.
09:53But you didn't have to keep sinking the people's boats
09:55so you'd have someone to rescue.
09:57They were so grateful.
09:59Of course they were.
10:00They were drowning.
10:02Anyway, I bought a couple of tickets
10:04for a coach tour round the island.
10:05That'd be smashing, Dad.
10:08You go and find a coach.
10:10I'll buy some fakes.
10:12Right, Dad.
10:14Ladies and gentlemen,
10:15we'll count him out the bus, please.
10:19Hurry, please, hurry, please.
10:21We're making a departure in a few momentos.
10:23Muchas gracias.
10:23Oi!
10:25Don't shout.
10:27Don't get that wrong.
10:28I'm a very nervous person.
10:29You know, it's a job.
10:30Being tourist guide is not easy.
10:32So please, don't shout, eh?
10:34Sorry.
10:42I can't hear you.
10:44Is this a coach for the two around the island?
10:46Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
10:47Shh, shh, shh.
10:50Are you going to be a passenger?
10:52That's right, me and my dad.
10:54I'm Gaylord Scruzby.
10:55I am one.
10:56What?
10:57I am one.
10:59Well, I'm not,
11:00so don't go putting your arm around my head.
11:02What is my name?
11:03I'm your guide.
11:04Oh, I see.
11:08Trouble? Of course not. Why should I?
11:10I don't know why you should, but all tourists are local.
11:14The Germans are insufferable, the French are impossible,
11:17but the whole worse are the Ingleses.
11:20What's that?
11:21It's the ask stupid question.
11:24Well, I won't ask stupid questions.
11:28Por favor. Gracias.
11:32Anyone else coming?
11:34Here, Juan, any chance of a drive?
11:37Bring it on! Bring it on! Bring it on!
11:40All right? All right? All right?
11:43Don't do your nut, I was only asking.
11:50I just made it. Tom, watch us.
11:52I just mean what's wrong.
11:54Move. Move. Move.
11:56Move.
12:00Pay attention, please.
12:02To your left, you will see the most beautiful view of the sea coming in.
12:05And going out.
12:07Does that hurt Mark? I'm dead.
12:09Stop talking in the back and look at the big mountain passing you.
12:13Be very careful, ladies and gentlemen.
12:16Hold on to yourselves tightly until we have been fully arrested.
12:21Don't say anything, gentlemen.
12:22Please follow me.
12:24Please follow me.
12:25Over here.
12:26Please follow me.
12:27Hurry up, please.
12:28Hurry up, please.
12:29Follow my finger, please.
12:30Please over here.
12:31Over here, please.
12:32Over here, please.
12:33Over here, please.
12:34Over here, please.
12:36Yeah, that's nice, isn't it?
12:37It's a bit high up here, though, isn't it?
12:38Yeah, a bit high, yeah.
12:39That's nice, eh?
12:40Follow my finger, please.
12:41Keep away from the earth.
12:43Keep away from the earth.
12:45You get killed, it costs me my job.
12:48I took care of that for the bringing of good luck,
12:51you must toss a pebble from the cliff
12:53and your wish will be full filled.
13:02Oh, I'm going to have a go at that, Dad.
13:05Only I want a big wish.
13:10This ought to do it.
13:13That's our German mate down there, Dad.
13:26Now, there's some brave him who wore his clothes on.
13:30Must do everything with his clothes on, that boy.
13:35Follow me.
13:37Our next stopping will be at the ancient hysterical village
13:40of Valle Losa.
13:43Hurry up, please.
13:52Hurry up, please, gentlemen.
13:54Please.
13:56Please, we shall be stopping here for one hour
13:58in which you're invited to eat or drink
14:00or merely enjoy the views of this village.
14:04Please be back at two o'clock
14:05and don't be late.
14:07Give him a bunch of fives, Dad.
14:12Not now, son.
14:14We're on holiday.
14:14Please, please, please, hurry up.
14:18I'm hungry.
14:19You two hungry, too.
14:20Hurry up.
14:22Here.
14:23How much the back scratches?
14:24One hundred.
14:26One hundred?
14:27One hundred, yes.
14:28How much is that one?
14:29The same price.
14:30That's, uh...
14:32It says one nine five here.
14:34Or is that not...
14:35All right, I'll have that one.
14:37I'll have that one.
14:38What have we got?
14:40An hand on a stick.
14:41A hundred potatoes.
14:43Here, we've got it.
14:45Now, where's he gone?
14:48Here, one.
14:50I'm looking for something to take home
14:51as a sort of a memento.
14:53You got any suggestions?
14:54You want a really romantic souvenir?
14:57Yeah.
14:57Something truly romantic
14:59to remind you of this once-in-a-lifetime holiday
15:01on this island of glamour?
15:02That's right, yeah.
15:03Something truly Spanish, huh?
15:05Yeah, that's right.
15:06There is a pottery in the village.
15:10A pottery?
15:10Yeah.
15:11Where you can choose an object of beauty.
15:14And they will inscribe on it
15:15your own personal message
15:17to bring a tear to your eye
15:19and a lump to your throat.
15:21Oh, that's nice.
15:22In future years, yes.
15:23Yes.
15:23Come here.
15:24That's nice.
15:25That's nice.
15:26I'll show you.
15:26I like that, yeah.
15:28Down there to the left.
15:29You see?
15:29You see left?
15:30You turn to your left
15:31and there is the pottery.
15:33You understand?
15:34Well, go, please.
15:35Hurry up, please.
15:39All aboard, please.
15:41Quickly.
15:41We'll be late for La Granja.
15:43Get the move on, please.
15:45Hurry.
15:46Hurry, please.
15:47Look, his leg.
16:03His leg.
16:04I can't wait to do more.
16:05Please.
16:06Please.
16:06Huh?
16:07Please.
16:08I'd love to come.
16:09Where have you been, Gaylord?
16:12Shopping, Dad.
16:13I bought myself something
16:14that will always remind me
16:15of this sun-drenched tropical paradise.
16:17Oh, that's nice.
16:18What is it?
16:19Eh?
16:20Make the measure, I'll see.
16:26Hmm?
16:27Come on.
16:27Get on.
16:28Don't be putty.
16:29Don't be putty.
16:36Buenos dias.
16:37Hola.
16:37Hola.
16:37Hola.
16:37Hola.
16:38Buenos dias.
16:38Please follow me.
16:39Please, please.
16:40Yeah.
16:41And as life goes on at La Granja,
16:44the peace and tranquility of this beautiful place
16:47is a visit into the past
16:48and a glimpse of the real Mallorca.
16:51You may also help yourself to the wine
16:53which is free of charge from the barrels provided.
16:57So now please enter yourselves and have pleasure.
17:01Please.
17:02Move.
17:02Move.
17:03Please.
17:03Get the move on.
17:05Please.
17:05Please.
17:11Free wine, eh?
17:12That sounds a bit of all right.
17:14No, Dad, no.
17:15You promised Mum you wouldn't go on the booze.
17:18Booze?
17:18Who's talking about booze?
17:19Even the kids drink it over here.
17:21It's not like Mars and Bitter, you know.
17:23I'll tell Mum next visiting day
17:25then she'll escape and beat you up a lot.
17:29Spoil, spoil.
17:36Oh, look at that, Dad.
17:38Yeah.
17:39Typical of your non-British foreigner, that is.
17:42Broken water, mate, and they just ignore it.
17:44It says here that's been going on ever since the Romans.
17:48Proves my point.
17:50We've got plenty of time to phone the water board.
17:52Yeah.
17:52Yeah.
18:07They're smashing on, eh, Dad?
18:09Yes, son.
18:10And they're free.
18:26I see you had the same idea as me, mate.
18:29Go on, I'm thirsty.
18:42Look, one little glass wouldn't count as going on the booze,
18:45would it, son?
18:46No.
18:47Not as long as Mum don't find out.
18:49There we are, then.
18:50We'll keep it as our little secret, right?
18:54Yeah, that's right, yeah.
18:55Our little secret, yeah.
18:57Good boy.
19:05I tell Mum all my little secrets.
19:10I could get to dislike you, Gaylord.
19:13Hurry up, please, by party, please.
19:20Come on, please.
19:21Please.
19:22I've still got to show you the bull ring.
19:23Please, come on.
19:24Come on, please.
19:25Please.
19:26Please, get the move on.
19:28Please.
19:29Come on, get on.
19:31Oh, dear.
19:32I seem to have left my fakes somewhere.
19:34You go ahead and get on the coach
19:36while I nip back and look for them.
19:39All right, Dad.
19:39See you.
20:04Bye.
20:04Bye.
20:05Bye.
20:07Bye.
20:09Yes, ma'am.
20:13Miss.
20:14Can I help you, miss?
20:15I want you to take me.
20:19In any position you fancy.
20:23Up against the wall, if you like.
20:27I want you to take a snap of me to send home to my friend.
20:31Ah!
20:33That's different.
20:34Certainly.
20:35I have my camera here.
20:36You know how to use a camera, don't you?
20:38As a matter of fact, I'm quite expert in manners' photographic.
20:41Taken lots of pictures of ladies, have you?
20:44As a matter of fact, I have.
20:45Without any clothes on, I expect you're a suggestive devil.
20:51I suppose you want to rush me round to my rented villa,
20:54which is just round the corner,
20:55and talk me into posing in the nude.
20:57I've several roles to film.
21:00No, I don't think...
21:01You're all so hot-blooded with your Mediterranean passion.
21:06Oh, it's no good me resisting.
21:08It is, it is.
21:09Force yourself.
21:10And anyway, I'm not Spanish, I'm British.
21:12Well, let yourself go, you're on holiday.
21:15There we go.
21:16Help!
21:17Green Lord!
21:18Are you married?
21:19I'm...
21:20Oh, come back.
21:22Come back.
21:23Please.
21:23Come back, madam.
21:24Oh, no, please.
21:25Come back.
21:25Not me.
21:25Oh, come back.
21:26Oh, I only want to be friendly, please.
21:30I only want to be friendly.
21:31I've spoken for...
21:32Yeah, well, he's coming any minute now.
21:57Yeah, come here.
22:01Oh, ¿por qué me ha hecho esto?
22:03¡Hombre de Dios!
22:05Oh, come here. Oh, please.
22:07Yes, who was that woman, saps?
22:09It's done awesome.
22:15¿Y usted por qué se sentaba aquí? Es mi silla.
22:17Eso no lo tiene que hacer.
22:19There goes another one.
22:21¿Y aquel? Another one's gone now.
22:27Please, follow me, my party.
22:29Please, please.
22:31Follow me up, please, please.
22:33You see before you the most famous bullring
22:35in Mallorca. Many famous
22:37matadors have fought here, including
22:39Manolete and El Cornoves,
22:41to name but a few. At his last fight
22:43here, El Cornoves was
22:45awarded the two heels and the
22:47four hoops for the excellence of his
22:49performance. And now, please, my party,
22:51follow me, please, please, please,
22:53please, follow me, my party.
22:55Please, please, please.
23:05How did we get down here?
23:07I don't know.
23:09I was looking for the gents.
23:11It's a big place, isn't it?
23:13Yes.
23:15Here.
23:17Funny shape for a football field.
23:19Where are the goalposts?
23:21They don't play soccer here.
23:23This is a bullring.
23:25Oh, yeah. I saw it on the pictures once.
23:27It's where this bloke waved the cloth
23:29and the bull charges at him, innit?
23:31Yeah.
23:32You go like this.
23:33Yeah.
23:34Let's play a game.
23:35I'll be the bull.
23:37All right.
23:39Look out, I'm coming after you.
23:41Bet you can't get me.
23:43Hey, Whitney.
23:45I'm coming again.
23:47I'm coming again.
23:48Ah, well, here we are.
23:49Ah, ah, ah, ah.
23:50Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
23:51Ready?
23:52Go, again.
23:53El te estaba completamente lleno.
23:54Eso, hombre.
23:55Completamente lleno.
23:56Ha, ha.
23:57Hey, come on, I'll get you this time.
24:02¿Y aquellos dos quiénes son?
24:05No sé.
24:10It's not fair, you keep moving out of the way.
24:13Of course I do.
24:15I'm not going to stand here and get trapped to death by a ruddy break bull, am I?
24:19Come on, come on, have another go.
24:21Come on.
24:26Parecen ingleses.
24:27Hey, ese debe ser el torero inglés que viene de Madrid.
24:31Sí, que hasta el viernes.
24:35El jefe se habrá equivocado de fecha.
24:38Seguro, seguro que viene a practicar un poco.
24:41Voy a hablar con él.
24:42De acuerdo, de acuerdo.
24:48Señor, señor.
24:49Matador inglese.
24:58Oh, yeah.
25:01English matador.
25:02Yeah, yeah.
25:03Not really, no, no, he was just, just larkin' about.
25:06Sí, es él.
25:08Por favor, señor, tenga usted la bondad de seguirme, ¿eh?
25:11Sí, sí.
25:13What's he say, Dad?
25:14I don't know, foggiest.
25:15I don't know if you want us to follow him.
25:17What for?
25:18Well, show us around, I expect.
25:19You know what it is.
25:20When they find out you're British, they can't do enough for you.
25:23¿Vara que? ¿Vara que?
25:24Gracias, gracias.
25:25No, sí.
25:27Come on, Dad.
25:44There you are, what did I tell you.
25:47Do anything to please these people, Well...
25:49Yeah.
25:50Very nice of them letting us try their gear on, innit?
25:53Yeah.
25:54Don't know why they should.
25:55must be some sort of local custom must be yeah still gives you the feel of things
26:00doesn't it yeah i mean just imagine all them seats full of people all coming out to see me
26:09well what about me then right you and all
26:13and then i'll do what to run power done in a blood and sand
26:26over look at some beautiful spanish senior either take off me up and dedicate my balls to it
26:35oh you don't half know some stuff don't you date hey senor okay hey one chief okay
26:51okay louis okay pedro nice bloke that ain't he anyway where was i oh yeah yeah then i'll give
27:00them an exhibition a good old british bullfighting hey after all what can the dagos do that the
27:06british can't do better hey hey i mean what is a bull it's only a big cow isn't it i don't see what all
27:12the fuss is about dad what's the matter oh my god
27:30it's
27:36a
27:38a
27:40a
27:42a
27:44a
27:45a
27:47a
27:50Oh
28:20Oh
28:50Estos ingleses sí que saben hacer cansar el toro, ¿eh?
29:09Hace tres horas que corren detrás de él
29:11Ahora, vámonos
29:13Déjalo que siga, ¿eh?
29:16Vamos a tomar una coca, ¿eh?
29:18No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
29:48How many good older did this turn out to be? Four days, completely wasted.
30:06Still, the food in the hospital was very good.
30:08Very expensive, cost us every last per seater we had.
30:11Can't even afford a butler duty-free.
30:13Never mind, Dad. While it was laid up, I sent in an entry for another competition. I could win that.
30:19Oh, yeah? What's the first prize?
30:21A wee tang gliding in the Alps.
30:26You nip on it. Find out which gate we're going from. I can't wait to get back to London, where it's safe.
30:32Right now, Dad. Off I go. Look, like a flash. Whee!
30:43What's your compadry? Nice to see you again.
30:50I can see the scene.
30:52Going out to Hamburg, are you?
30:54I have to go to London immediately for a most important business meeting.
31:00Oh, sorry.
31:02Better get a move on, Dad. London plane takes off in a couple of minutes.
31:05Which gate does it go from?
31:06Gate three.
31:06In that case, I will hurry to get there first and secure a seat well away from the two of you.
31:16Did I upset him, Dad?
31:18Okay.
31:26Where's the scene?
31:26Are you?
31:48Bye.
31:56Bye.
31:56Are you just made it, Dad?
32:04Yeah. Find a couple of seats and sit down.
32:06Well done.
32:13Tell you what, we might get a game of darts in the Rosencrant tonight.
32:18I shall have to use me wrong hand.
32:23This is your captain speaking.
32:25Welcome aboard, and I wish you a most happy and enjoyable flight to Bombay.
32:32Bombay?
32:34God, me timmy, was is das Bombay?
32:41Dad, I got it wrong again.
32:45In that case, I will hurry to get there first, to secure our seat.
33:10I did a fence.
33:15Action.
33:16I suppose you want to rush me round to my rented billet where I couldn't find the key.
33:22Action.
33:23It's no good, me business, Dick.
33:25It is. It is.
33:26Focus yourself in anywhere.
33:28I'm English. I'm not British.
33:29I'm Spanish.
33:30I'm Spanish.
33:331178, take three.
33:36Action, Dick.
33:37It's just my part in the m10 cordial, you see.
33:47I was just saying to my son the other day, if Kegan Keegan...
33:51Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
33:56I'm kicking deep now.
33:59Action.
33:59Action.
34:10Action.
34:10Just imagine, all them seats full of people, all come here to see me.
34:19Well, what about me, then?
34:23All right, you and all.
34:25Tonight.
34:32Thanks, old man.
34:34Faster.
34:35Eh.
34:39Damn it.
34:40Hey.
34:42Day.
34:47Bye.
34:48Bye.
34:49Bye.
34:50Bye.
34:51Bye.
34:51Bye.
34:53Bye.