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  • 2 days ago
The Dick Emery Show S17E05
Transcript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30CastingWords
01:00CastingWords
01:29couldn't that stupid thing away and be sensible for once?
01:32I reckon we went wrong about five miles back.
01:35I reckon we went wrong the moment we left home by letting him read that map.
01:38Pretend of spatter-minded old twit.
01:40There's no need to get nasty, Ernie.
01:42He seemed to forget that Dad's the one who's treating us to this little holiday.
01:46Only because he was forced to, darling.
01:48I was not.
01:50Oh?
01:51Who was it who got Magdalen drunk down at the Spread Eagle one night
01:53and told the landlord that his married sister from Yorkshire
01:55with her five kids could come and use our house for a week?
01:58I reckon it was a kind and charitable action on my part.
02:02Not when you're charging them ten quid a night, you don't, mate.
02:06I don't know what you're complaining about.
02:08It's not every day you get a week sailing up and down the river on a luxury cruiser.
02:12We're not going to do any sailing unless we can find the blasted boatyard, mate.
02:16Look, all this arguing's getting us nowhere.
02:19Of course there is one navigational aid which I've not yet brought into play.
02:24And what might that be?
02:25Stop at the next pub, have two or three pints and ask directions.
02:31He's lovely, isn't he, eh?
02:32I suppose he thinks that Claire Francis sailed around the world from boozer to boozer.
02:37I'll have a large gin and tonic, please, landlord.
02:39Oh, by the way, can you direct me to South America?
02:42Nicky, take him back.
02:47Now, now, now.
02:49Here, Dad, where's that advert you cut out of the paper?
02:52That told you how to find the place, didn't it?
02:54How nice to get a constructive suggestion.
02:57Hang on a minute, love.
02:58Fritton's Boat Yards, palatial yachts and river craft for hire, etc., etc.
03:07Oh, here we are.
03:08Turn left at Ditchley Crossroads onto the B77...
03:12Look, look, look, a 49.
03:14We did that, didn't we, Ernie?
03:15I think so.
03:17I don't know.
03:17Continue for three miles to Phonebox on the right
03:21and turn left at sign opposite.
03:24There we are, then.
03:26All we have to do is to carry on down this road.
03:29I hope it ain't much further, because we're nearly out of juice.
03:31Don't worry.
03:32I'll get us here one way or another.
03:35Tell us the old, old story.
03:38Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
03:42Put your back into it, love.
04:09We're nearly there.
04:12Er, excuse me.
04:26Can I help you?
04:27We seem to have gone wrong somewhere.
04:29We're looking for Fritton's Boat Yard.
04:32Well, you found it, matey.
04:34Thank heavens for that.
04:36As the old pig said when the baking factory burnt down.
04:38Ah!
04:39Don't look much like a boatyard to me.
04:43Oh, my missus don't look much like a woman,
04:45but she serves the same purpose.
04:48Where's all the boats, then?
04:49Oh, you should have been here a couple of hours ago.
04:51I had dozens of them.
04:53They're all hired out now,
04:55except for one that's been reserved
04:56and has a deposit paid on them.
04:58Ah, then that one must be mine.
05:01I wrote book in it last week.
05:03My name's Ladwick.
05:05Right you are, sir.
05:06You're the gent in question,
05:08and you're in luck.
05:09Oh?
05:10He's as tasty a little vessel
05:11as you'll find on the river.
05:16Just follow me,
05:17and you'll be savouring the joys of maritime life
05:20in just two squirts of a cow's udder.
05:22Exciting, isn't it?
05:31OK, girls,
05:32my down, Bertha.
05:33I'm looking forward to this.
05:39That's truth.
05:40I knew you'd be amazed and delighted, sir.
05:44He's a little booty,
05:45and the pride of my fleet,
05:48and all ready for you to take into the water.
05:51And talking to water,
05:53I don't see any.
05:54Where's the flaming river?
05:56Straight across the field, sir.
05:58About 400 yards as the crow flies.
06:00Downhill most of the way.
06:02Oh, well, that's not too bad.
06:03We can probably manhandle it that far.
06:05Oh, no problem.
06:06No problem at all.
06:08Long as you can get them over the quarry
06:09and the railway line
06:11and through the new council estate.
06:14Oh, Ernie, this is ridiculous.
06:16Oh, no need to get your knickers in a twist, ma'am.
06:19As the old rooster said
06:20when he surprised a young hen,
06:21he could always go round by road.
06:25How far's that, then?
06:26About seven miles.
06:28Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
06:30It may have escaped your notice, Mr Fritton,
06:32but we've run out of petrol.
06:33Ah, well, I think I can help you there.
06:35I can let you have a gallon for four quid.
06:38Four quid?
06:39Leave off, mate.
06:40I can get a gallon for one twenty-odd at any garage.
06:43Quite correct, sir.
06:44And if you start walking now,
06:46you should reach the nearest one
06:47about five o'clock this evening.
06:50Please don't let's have any more bother.
06:52That's right.
06:53Go on, pay the main.
06:55Oh, no.
06:56Not me, Dad.
06:57It's your treat.
06:58Remember.
06:58Remember.
06:58Have a nice trip, sir.
07:09See you same time next week.
07:12Mind you don't damage him.
07:15Excuse me.
07:15Yes, sir.
07:15I wonder if you can help me.
07:18Yes, sir.
07:18I'm...
07:18I thought I can, sir.
07:19I'm looking for Fritton's luxury riverside holiday homes.
07:23And you've hit it right on the button.
07:25While you're unloading the car,
07:26I'll go and see your cabins in eight-one perfect conditions, sir.
07:29Thanks, awfully.
07:35Come over there, you naughty girl.
07:37Come on.
07:38Get out.
07:38Get out.
07:40You know you're not unloading guest quarters.
07:43Go on.
07:43Off you go now.
07:44Shoot.
07:45Get out of it.
07:46Ready for you now, sir?
07:53Here, Dad.
07:54Hang on a minute, will you?
07:59What do you want?
08:00Ty, this is something to stop us drifting out in the middle, will you?
08:02Come on.
08:29Hurry up, Dad.
08:39All right, keep your shirt on.
08:41I'm coming.
08:42Just locking up.
08:44Well, you never know.
08:45This might turn out to be a nice trip after all.
08:47Yeah.
08:48I'm looking forward to it.
08:50How about a cuppa?
08:51I'll go and put the kettle on.
08:52Good girl.
08:54All right, stand aside.
08:56I'm assuming command.
08:57All right, now, where's Lil?
09:06She's gone downstairs to the kitchen and make a pot of tea.
09:09Gone downstairs?
09:10To the kitchen?
09:12Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
09:14Shows what you know about nautical terminology.
09:18What you mean is, she's gone above to the gallery.
09:23Baffle me with science, you rancid old goat.
09:26You don't know no more about boats than what I do.
09:28I know one thing.
09:30What?
09:31I'm the one that's paying.
09:33So you can clear off, landlubber.
09:38You, uh, sure you wouldn't like me to drive?
09:41No, I wouldn't.
09:46Don't give Lil a hand.
09:47All right, hornblower, but I won't have to wait long.
09:52Your head'll be hanging over the side before we've been afloat five minutes, mate.
09:56Ah.
09:58Now, how do you start this thing?
10:07Come on.
10:08Ha, ha, is he a good boy?
10:09Oh, Pamela, darling.
10:12I've been drowning your beautiful eyes.
10:15Oh, Leslie.
10:17Don't be so wet.
10:24Oh!
10:25Oh, Pamela!
10:26Oh, I can't be going in.
10:27What could have happened?
10:28Yes, sir!
10:29Come on, please, please!
10:29Come on, the pit, please.
10:32All right.
10:32Come up with your top head, yeah?
10:34Come on!
10:35Here we are.
10:38Oh, my God.
10:39Oh, my God.
10:39Oh!
10:39Oh!
10:39Oh!
10:40Oh!
10:41Oh!
10:41Oh!
10:42Oh!
10:42Oh!
10:43I bet that's damn disorder.
10:45Oh, no!
10:45Look at him!
10:46Look at him!
10:47Look at him!
10:47Oh, dear!
10:48Oh, dear!
10:58Tell the chief engineer to make smoke number one.
11:01Oh, dear!
11:02Stand by to the pelimitians.
11:04Look out for them, Capitosey!
11:07If you can spare five minutes from winning World War II, Captain, I brought you a cup
11:13of tea and a digestive biscuit.
11:14Yes, well, I was, er...
11:16I was just...
11:17I know what you were doing.
11:19You men are all alike.
11:20Just like a bunch of kids.
11:22It's the Bismarck, all right?
11:23It's a rough spay right behind.
11:24Well, I shall fire all six torpedo tubes.
11:30It's the Bismarck, all right, with Graf Spade right behind.
11:36Well, I shall fire all six torpedo tubes,
11:40and I shall flood, queue, and dive deep.
11:48I never thought I'd fancy the captain of the Bismarck.
11:52Ernie, here's your tea.
11:55Hey, oh, thanks, love.
11:56A life on the ocean wave, da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
12:01They're smashing this, isn't it? I'll be going to enjoy myself.
12:03Pity. It's the one thing that spoils it for me.
12:07Now, now, now, now, that's enough. Stop it, the pair of you.
12:11We're on holiday and we're going to have a nice, peaceful time.
12:14Quite right, love, I'll ignore it.
12:22One thing, you're on the wrong side of the river, mate.
12:24Newton and a stoke.
12:27A couple of dozen lashes to teach him to keep a civil tongue in his head.
12:30Oh, my God.
12:48Hey! Hey! Get out of here!
12:52Damn it! Get back on that wheel! We're going to run somebody over!
12:55Oh, my God!
12:56Hey! Get out of here!
12:58Get out of here! Get out of here!
13:05Get out of here! Goal!
13:07Hey, Dad! Watch it!
13:17Dad, what's happened? What was that?
13:20You're saving Ernie. He's jumped ship.
13:23Ernie, you did get wet, didn't you?
13:28Yeah. Good job you can swim.
13:30Yeah. It could have been much worse.
13:33Blimey. What a whopper. Must be all a six foot seven.
13:38Still, on the old, he was very nice about it.
13:41Oh, yeah. He was very nice.
13:45He smacked me in the eye, took 20 quid out my wallet,
13:48and then flung me overboard.
13:50Can't blame him, really. After all, he did walk into the cabin
13:53and find you in bed with his wife.
13:55Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
13:59Ha! Ha!
14:01There we are. Put me on now, Pamela.
14:04I'm gonna get that silly old man and give him a good ducking.
14:07Come on, Ernie. Let's go downstairs
14:09and get some dry things on you before you catch your death.
14:13If I do, it'll be his fault.
14:15That's not true.
14:17You've always hated me. That's true.
14:20You've got the boat again, Dad.
14:22I don't like the way that horrible man's glaring at us.
14:25Not horrible. He's got a beautiful left hook.
14:29Ha! Ha!
14:33Oh, come on, you swine.
14:35Pamela, I think you've got to take the pill now.
14:38Careful, old girl. That's it.
14:40Don't drop the boat.
14:59Oh, no! Not again!
15:02Why don't you look where you're going? You could have damaged the paintwork.
15:05No, no, no, no!
15:07No!
15:08No!
15:09Get out of me, little chap!
15:10Oh!
15:11Leslie!
15:12Oh, it's all right, old thing. Don't panic.
15:15I know what to do.
15:16What, darling?
15:18Help!
15:20What would you like for breakfast, Danny?
15:30Eh?
15:32Oh, just porridge, scrambled egg, tomatoes, bacon, bit of fried bread, toast and marmalade.
15:41And how about you, Dad?
15:42Eh?
15:43Oh, I'm not very hungry.
15:45I'll have just the same as him, only with a couple of sausages on the side.
15:49Right.
15:59We'll have to stop somewhere and get the morning papers, Dad.
16:01Yes.
16:02Whereabouts are we?
16:03Er...
16:05We're just approaching a place called Weardanger.
16:10Where?
16:11No, not where.
16:12Where?
16:13It's on the side over there.
16:14Look.
16:19Where?
16:20Danger, you fool!
16:21Oh, my God!
16:22Turn around!
16:27Oh!
16:28We should stop looking about!
16:33Hey, watch it, Dad, and we're going to have company!
16:35Oh, my God!
16:36I'm going to have to stop there, Michael.
16:37Hey!
16:38Hey!
16:39Don't get to my life!
16:40Now, look what you've done.
16:41I told you to let me dry if it wasn't my fault.
16:43Hey!
16:44Hey!
16:45Hey, come on!
16:46Hey!
16:47Hey!
16:48Hey!
16:49Hey!
16:50Hey!
16:51Hey!
16:52Hey, look up!
16:53Hey!
16:54Hey!
16:55Hey!
16:56Hey!
16:57Hey, hey!
16:58Hey!
17:00Hey!
17:01Hey!
17:02Hey!
17:03Hey!
17:04Hey!
17:05Look what you've done now, mate. Let me see what you've done.
17:08You'd have man on the job. Get out of me.
17:10I'll put you down there.
17:12I know where I'm going. You let me.
17:14You let me drive. I'm the captain.
17:17I am the captain.
17:26I don't believe it.
17:28I don't know why.
17:30Well, I must admit, nothing could have been more disastrous than the first two days.
17:43Very airy.
17:44They certainly were.
17:46But once you get the hang of it, this sailing log's easy.
17:49I mean, nothing could have been more pleasant and free from bother than yesterday or today, right?
17:54Right. Right enough.
17:56Your shout, I think.
17:58Certainly.
18:00How about you, Lil?
18:01I'll have another gin and orange.
18:07Careful, Dad.
18:08It's all right. I'll take it easy.
18:09Get me a leg over.
18:11Right.
18:12Mind how you go?
18:13I do.
18:15Thanks, all.
18:17Oh, excuse me.
18:21I'll come after the others later.
18:23I don't think it's your lucky week, young man.
18:26I don't think it's your lucky week, young man.
18:28So now I, the great Padalo, will become the first magician to make a live cow disappear.
18:45And now I, the great Pedalo, will become the first magician to make a live cow disappear.
18:58Un, deux, trois!
19:02Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Merci.
19:38Mr. Algernon Emery is here to see you, sir.
19:42Now, show him in, will you, Miss Penny Farling?
19:50Emery, good to see you.
19:52Now, I won't beat about the bush, Emery. It's the Zulu War. Things are getting blacker every minute.
19:58Yes, I read about it in dispatches, sir. Is it really true?
20:02Are the 14th foot and mouth rarely being held by the Katanga?
20:06It's worse than that, Emery. The Royal Australian mounted koalas are lost in the where-a-hell-are-we swamps.
20:12Oh, God.
20:14Basically, Emery, Her Majesty's government needs you. We've had our eye on you for some time. And we reckon that you're just the man for the job.
20:24Job, sir?
20:25We want one of our chaps to disguise himself as a Zulu and infiltrate Prince Water-Donger's camp.
20:36Prince Water-Donger's camp.
20:38Is he real, sir?
20:40Yes.
20:42Your voice down, Emery.
20:44That's classified information.
20:47Now, your job is to kidnap Water-Donger's daughter, the Princess Wanta Tumble.
20:54She has a fantastic collection of exotic African birds. You should easily recognise her.
21:00Yes, I hear she's got the biggest parakeets in Southern Africa.
21:05Well, down to business.
21:06Yes, sir.
21:07Now, what do you make of that?
21:12It's a map, isn't it, sir?
21:22Well done, Emery.
21:25Now, I knew you were the man for the job.
21:28Observant.
21:29Intelligent.
21:31Quick to adapt.
21:33Now, Water-Donger's camp is here on the banks of the Chifluig.
21:39Oh.
21:40Our problem is how to smuggle you in.
21:45Well, uh, couldn't I swim up the river, sir?
21:51No.
21:52One of our chaps tried that last month.
21:54What happened, sir?
21:55A crocodile made him into a handbag.
21:57What can I do, sir?
21:59Well, as I said before, Emery, the first thing to do is to disguise you as a Zulu.
22:05It's a hard assignment, Emery.
22:07Well, I always felt that I concealed a considerable potential, sir.
22:10Yes.
22:11The MO spotted it.
22:12That's why he recommended it to us.
22:14Oh.
22:15Now, I'll be honest with you, Emery.
22:16When you're in the bush, it's going to be down to bare essentials.
22:20Are you trying to tell me, sir, that it's going to be harder than it's ever been before?
22:24Well, frankly, yes.
22:26Yes.
22:27My God, sir.
22:29I'll do it.
22:32Good man.
22:33Now, there's no time to lose.
22:35We'll start the transformation at once.
22:37Our backroom boys, under the watchful eye of Professor Budget,
22:41have developed a series of techniques that will transform you into the spitting image of a Zulu.
22:47Are you ready to start?
22:48Oh, I'm ready and willing, sir.
22:49Good show.
22:50Now, the first thing is the hair curling device.
22:55Grab hold of those terminals, Emery.
23:00Now, which do you prefer, AC or DC?
23:07Why, I'm easy either way, sir.
23:13I'll note that on your personal file.
23:15Jolly decent of you, sir.
23:16Here we go.
23:18Instant curly hair.
23:32I can't understand it, Emery.
23:34Your hair hasn't gone crinkly.
23:36It's about the only thing that hasn't, sir.
23:38Yes.
23:39Well, you'll just have to keep your headdress on.
23:41Yes, sir.
23:42Now, go behind that screen and change into the Mark II Zulu Warrior kit.
23:46There we are, sir.
24:06This old bone isn't part of the kit, is it, sir?
24:09Of course it is.
24:12Stick it through your nose.
24:15What about this huge brass curtain ring, sir?
24:18You stick those through your ears.
24:21I do carry the spear, though, don't I?
24:24Fantastic, Emery.
24:36Now, there's only one more stage to go.
24:39The skin colouring process.
24:42Ah, thirty days on a sun-drenched aisle, sir.
24:45No, thirty seconds in that box.
24:47Oh, dear.
24:48Another of Professor Bodgett's inventions, sir?
24:50Yes, of course it is.
24:51I feared as much.
24:58All right, Emery.
24:59In you go.
25:00In you go.
25:01In you go.
25:02Very well, sir.
25:07Now, don't worry.
25:08This is much more surefire than the hair-curling device.
25:12Yes, sir.
25:19Jolly black in here, sir.
25:21It gets blacker in a moment.
25:25Well, nothing seems to be happening, sir.
25:27Does it take long?
25:28Don't worry, Emery.
25:29It'll be over.
25:31In a flash.
25:37Now, here we come.
25:38Put your fingers in your ears.
25:41Is that so that I get suntanned under the arm, sir?
25:46Yes.
25:47Something like that.
25:58Pretty convincing, I'd say.
26:01Yes.
26:02And all the hair I've got left has gone curly, sir.
26:05Yes.
26:07Oh, yes.
26:08Yes, of course, Prime Minister.
26:09Yes.
26:10Yes, we've dealt with Emery.
26:11Oh.
26:12Well, never mind.
26:13Can't be helped.
26:14Here, sir.
26:15Thank you, sir.
26:16Thank you, sir.
26:18Well, Emery, I'm afraid it's all been rather a waste of time.
26:22Yes, that was the PM.
26:23Apparently, Watadonga surrendered last night.
26:24Do you mean to say I've gone through all this for nothing?
26:25I'm afraid so, Emery.
26:26I can't understand it.
26:27I thought it was going to be a long war.
26:28Still, there's no understanding the Zuru.
26:29Yay, Emery?
26:30I think I'm beginning to understand themselves.
26:31What do you mean?
26:32Well, I've only been black a couple of minutes and I hate you already.
26:49minutes and I hate you already Ronald Arthur Smith and Mavis Ann Higgins you
27:10have been brought before this court to answer a charge of making passionate
27:17love in a public park in full view of passers-by
27:28you are also charged with refusing to desist from lovemaking when ordered to do
27:36so by a policeman and of resisting said policeman's efforts to separate you how do
27:44you plead to this charge
27:45now stop this as well
27:55I say can I book a car here a car sir yes oh I'm afraid I've just locked up oh damn if only you'd been here a moment earlier I've literally closed the door this very second and unfortunately the manager has the only key
28:13oh American Express that should do nicely sir
28:32haha
28:56oh Gloria
28:58Oh, Albert.
29:04Good evening, sir. Would you like to order now, sir?
29:06I can recommend the Smoked Salmon, the Cocker Van, the Mulmerini Air,
29:09the Armageddon Trotters, and, uh...
29:11Good God, Sergeant Watkinson.
29:14Scoggins! Come here, you horrible little man.
29:1675-4-3-2-1, private Scoggins, sir, at your service, sir.
29:19Oh, yes, Scoggins. 1969 intake.
29:22B Company. Fifth bed from the door on the left, right?
29:26Yes, Sergeant.
29:26Right, chest out, stomach in, shoulders back, chin up.
29:30Stand at, haste! Stand, haste!
29:33Would you like to order now, Sergeant?
29:34Are you telling me when to give orders, lad?
29:36No, Sergeant.
29:37You'd better not.
29:38So, Scoggins, you're a waiter, are you?
29:41Just like you were in the mess, eh?
29:43A nasty, horrible little waiter, eh?
29:46Well, let's see if we can revise some of the movements you learnt as a mess waiter, shall we?
29:49No, Sergeant.
29:50Detail! Heart and shot! Stand at, haste! Stand, haste!
29:55Now then.
29:56On the word of command, wait, you watch me.
29:58On the word of command, wait, your right hand goes across to your top pocket, like so,
30:02and your left hand comes up to just above your side pocket, fast.
30:06One.
30:06In the second word of command, you take the pencil out of your top pocket and notepad out of your pocket, like so, two.
30:15In the third movement, you bring the notepad up to the second button, if you choose it, and the pencil just above, like so.
30:20The right index finger pointed down the pencil, and the left index finger pointed down the seam of your trousers, if you're wearing the trousers on your arm.
30:29Three.
30:29So it goes like this.
30:31One, two, three, two, two, three, three.
30:35Right, let's see you do that.
30:36Oh, but Sergeant...
30:37Detail!
30:37I'll take it!
30:38Cha!
30:39Detail!
30:40Wait for it!
30:41Wait for it!
30:42Detail!
30:43Wait!
30:45Wait!
30:45What's this, lad?
31:15Sorry, Sergeant, I...
31:16A short guide to seduction?
31:17Yes, Sergeant.
31:19Female sex seduction of members of?
31:22Illicit liaison for the purposes of?
31:25Yes, Sergeant.
31:26By numbers?
31:27Yes, Sergeant.
31:29With instructions on how to strip her down?
31:32Just like a brain gun, Sergeant.
31:35Right, as you are.
31:36Now, we're going to do it again, and this time we're going to get it right.
31:38Detail!
31:39Wait!
31:39What?
31:40Two, three, two, two, three, three!
31:44That's very good, Scroggins.
31:45Very good indeed.
31:46Right.
31:47That's a good lad.
31:47Now, you carry on.
31:48And remember it.
31:50Two, three, bow.
31:52Two, three, ask.
31:53And what would you like to eat, sir?
31:55Two, three, bow again.
31:57That's very good.
31:58Right.
31:59Now, we'll start.
32:00We'll begin by having pate de froid grass.
32:02And when I say pate de froid grass, Scroggins, what do I mean?
32:07Pate de froid grass, sir.
32:08Correct.
32:09Not bloody goose liver.
32:10No, Sergeant.
32:12Followed by one, two, three, chicken Maryland.
32:16And one, two, three, steak Massini.
32:18I can recommend the view, sir.
32:19Who asked for your advice there?
32:21And the salmon, Sergeant.
32:22Filter!
32:23Chicken's nice.
32:24And stand up, seat.
32:25You look like a pregnant penguin.
32:27Penguin's off, Sergeant.
32:30And so will you be, lad.
32:31So will you be.
32:32I'll have your guts for Gardos.
32:34We're after, Sergeant.
32:35Gardos, lad.
32:36Gardos.
32:37I will do that order again.
32:39Well, then.
32:41One, two, three, chicken Maryland.
32:43And one, two, three, steak Massini.
32:46Three of each, Sergeant.
32:47No, one of each, you idiot.
32:49One chicken Maryland and one steak Massini.
32:51At the double.
32:51How?
32:52Two of each, Sergeant.
32:52One of each.
32:55Oh, Gloria.
32:57And be smart about it!
33:03So long since we had a nice, quiet evening together.
33:13So, what happened to you?
33:16Well, I've been in a sort of an aeroplane accident with my mistress.
33:21A sort of aeroplane accident?
33:23Yes.
33:23Her husband's plane landed three hours earlier than we expected.
33:27LAUGHTER
33:28APPLAUSE
33:29APPLAUSE