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  • 2 days ago
The Dick Emery Show S17E01
Transcript
00:00Transcription by CastingWords
00:30Transcription by CastingWords
01:00The many varied and exciting adventures in which I, Flynn or Thicke, the world-famous Irish detective, have been involved.
01:08I never found one to match the strange and peculiar case at Bury the Place, the home of Sir Roger and Lady Sykes.
01:16I have received a mysterious telegram inviting me to spend the weekend.
01:22Thank you kindly, sir. These crossroads will do me nicely.
01:26My respectful appreciation for the lift, sir.
01:33Just a minute!
01:34I nearly forgot that you can direct me to the burial place, the home of Sir Roger.
01:44The burial place?
01:46Yes, sir.
01:46You go on down the road for a couple of miles, then you turn left, and you carry on till you come to a big oak tree, a dead oak tree on the right.
01:56Dead oak tree on the right.
01:57And tis then the second opening on the left.
02:01Good night, sir.
02:02And take care, sir.
02:04Take care.
02:05I knew the poor ignorant fellow meant well, but I was confident that with my superior intellect and keen analytical brain, I was equal to anything the face could throw against me.
02:21In all the saints, I've locked myself out.
02:35In all the saints, I've locked myself out.
02:58You went to the temple, but I'm going to school with my first uncle.
03:00You've got tired.
03:00You've got tired.
03:01You've got tired.
03:02Let me take it.
03:32Let me take it.
04:02It was beginning to dry out.
04:23Good evening, sir.
04:25Listen, you want to tell your master to get his dry steam tube.
04:28There's a terrible puddle out there.
04:31You can have this.
04:36Thank you, sir.
04:38You're most kind.
04:44Delicious.
04:46Your name is Finn O'Thicke, the famous Irish detective.
04:49Be a pardon.
04:50Sir Roger, sir, waits for you in his study.
04:52You are pleased to follow me.
04:53Yes, sir.
04:55Yes, sir.
04:56Although not a betting man, I was prepared to wager this fellow was no Englishman.
05:06Come here.
05:07Come here.
05:11The gentleman you have been expecting, sir.
05:13Bye-bye.
05:14Mr O'Thicke, it was good of you to come.
05:22My God, sir Roger.
05:23How you've changed.
05:24Well, how do you know?
05:25We've never met before.
05:26I looked you up in Who's Who.
05:27Very astute.
05:28Uh-huh.
05:29It confirms your amazing reputation.
05:30Before we get down to brass tacks, tell me, what decided you dissent for me?
05:34Well, I saw your advertisement in the exchange from Mars under famous detectives.
05:39Half a ground well spent.
05:40Well, thank goodness you're here.
05:41Would you like to take a pew?
05:42Oh, thank you, sir Roger.
05:43But I prefer to sit.
05:44Oh, now.
05:45I want you to take particular note of what I'm about to say.
05:46Oh, yes.
05:47Would you care for a glass of milk?
05:48No.
05:49No.
05:50No.
05:51No.
05:52No.
05:53No.
05:54No.
05:55No.
05:56No.
05:57No.
05:58No.
05:59No.
06:00No.
06:01No.
06:02No.
06:03No.
06:04No.
06:05No.
06:06No.
06:07No.
06:08No.
06:09No.
06:10No.
06:12No.
06:13No.
06:14No, no.
06:15No.
06:16No.
06:17You misunderstand me.
06:18I haven't started yet.
06:20Oh.
06:21Sorry.
06:22I'm too careful.
06:23Proceed, sir Roger.
06:28Ah.
06:29There it is.
06:31Well now, Mr O'Thicke, please.
06:32Sir Roger.
06:34There it is.
06:36Well now, Mr Othick,
06:39you may find this very difficult to believe,
06:42but I have a suspicion that there is somebody in this household
06:45who is trying to kill me.
06:47Why would you think that now?
06:50Little things, such as,
06:53the last time I went for a dip,
06:56I discovered that my bathing trunks
06:58have been lined with cement.
07:00An accident occasion by some local builder, no doubt.
07:05And then I discovered a black widow spider in my shredded wheat.
07:09An advertising stunt.
07:11They give away all kinds of things these days.
07:14And only last Tuesday, when I was dressing for dinner,
07:17my braces caught fire.
07:19Static electricity.
07:21A phenomenon recently discovered by a famous Irish scientist.
07:26I see.
07:30Then you think I'm imagining things?
07:32Of course.
07:33Well, in that case, I won't be requiring your expensive services after all.
07:37Of course you're not imagining things.
07:39No fire without smoke.
07:54You serve a fine, strong wine, sir.
07:56Would you care for another glass, our boy?
07:59That's very kind of you, sir.
08:01But I know when I've had enough.
08:04Motive, that's the key.
08:07Are you aware of anyone who might benefit from your demise?
08:10Me?
08:11I haven't one single enemy in the whole wide world, except my son Hillary, who loathes me.
08:17With me out of the way, he would inherit the title and the entire family fortune,
08:20which amounts to rather more than a million pounds.
08:23Then it must be him.
08:25Are you sure there's no one else?
08:29Not a living soul.
08:30Apart from my brother, the Reverend Oliver Sykesbourne, who has never forgiven me for marrying his fiancée,
08:36the beautiful Lady Ruth, my present wife.
08:38She, at least, is above suspicion.
08:41Absolutely.
08:43Unless she's discovered my illicit affair with Baby Laffont,
08:47an adorable little chorus girl from the Elaborate Theatre.
08:51Hmm.
08:52Not much to go on.
09:01Who else is staying in the house?
09:02My cousin, Hugh Pugh, and his wife, Prue.
09:07Prue.
09:09Admittedly, by a devious trick, I ruined his father, who became a pauper and later shot himself,
09:13but that was purely in the way of business, do you understand?
09:16Quite.
09:17Quite.
09:18Too trivial for serious consideration.
09:21Now, rack your brains, Sir Roger.
09:22Is there no one with a really strong motive?
09:26Well, I...
09:28I did sack one of the under-gardener's only last week.
09:31Aha.
09:32At last, we're getting somewhere.
09:34Servants, being of the lower order, are notoriously treasers.
09:38Oh, surely not.
09:40No-one of that class would dream of laying hands on a gentleman.
09:43I mean, they're like a pack of pounds, really.
09:45Feed them adequately, give them plenty of exercise,
09:47and an occasional touch of the whip, and they'll lick your...hands.
09:51I'll take your point, Sir Roger.
09:52Fast.
09:53Fast.
09:54. . . .
10:06It would seem, then, that you're a well-known doctor.
10:21Or without a doubt.
10:23Then perhaps we're looking in the wrong place for our suspect.
10:27Is there any reason why a member of the criminal fraternity
10:31might have an interest in you?
10:33By George, it just occurred to me.
10:35The Eye of Carly.
10:39So why a witch, or who?
10:41My great-great-great-great-grandfather
10:44founded the Saxe for Fortunes in the mysterious Orient.
10:49Now, let's see now, there ought to be...
10:51There we are. Nine left.
10:54Fourteen. Right, there.
10:58Blast.
11:00And when he eventually returned to dear old England,
11:03he brought with him...
11:05Oh, where are we for heaven's sake?
11:06Ah, yes.
11:07No, perhaps it's...
11:08Here.
11:09Fourteen.
11:10Left.
11:11And...
11:12Perhaps...
11:13Nine.
11:14Right.
11:16There.
11:17Oh, damnation.
11:20He brought with him a treasure of incalculable value.
11:29The sapphire known as the Eye of Carly.
11:32Oh, my God.
11:33A man would give his very soul to possess that jewel.
11:42It would be unthinkable for it ever to leave the custody of the Saxe-paws.
11:46But should it do so, legend has it that death and destruction would follow.
11:51You've given me food for thought, Sir Roger.
11:54And speaking of food, dinner will be served within the hour.
11:58Perhaps you'd like to go to your room and change.
12:01With your permission, I'd like to take a little stroll round the grounds first.
12:05And you can rest assured, as long as I'm on the case, your person is safe from harm.
12:10That's damn civil of you, Othick.
12:12I have every confidence.
12:19Shhh.
12:33Better safe than sorry.
12:42Your aspirin and coffeesite.
12:43No.
12:44Great.
12:45Thanks.
12:46Well, just a moment.
12:47Okay, then.
12:48Muddy buckets of plaster.
12:49That's another theory exploded.
12:50Yeah.
12:51All right.
12:52All right.
12:53All right.
12:54All right.
12:56It's a nice boy.
12:57I'll make a good point.
12:58Very, very nice boy.
13:00You're not gonna be out.
13:01You're not gonna be out.
13:03You're not gonna be out.
13:04I'm gonna be out.
13:05You're not gonna be out.
13:06You're not gonna be out.
13:07I'm gonna be out.
13:08It's a nut.
13:09It's a nutty, but it's a nutty...
13:10It's a nutty.
13:11I had observed them all closely over dinner, but no one gave anything away.
13:22Could it be those two?
13:24Hugh, Pooh, Hugh?
13:26They certainly had a motive.
13:30But what about Hilary, Sir Roger's son?
13:34The title in a million pounds is not to be sniffed at.
13:37Or the Reverend Oliver, crossed in love and hating his brother.
13:49Surely it couldn't be Lady Ruth, unless she's found out about Bebe Lafanne.
13:55As Sir Charles Dickens has it, hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn.
14:07Right. Now then, everybody, before we put on another one of these newfangled tunes,
14:15I think it's about time that I gave you my after-dinner violin solo.
14:21And in honour of my guest from Ireland, Mr. O'Reilly,
14:25as soon as I have mentioned, you've already sold me some really first-class thoroughbreds.
14:29That's right, some remarkable horses.
14:32Remarkable. I propose to play you an Irish jig.
14:35APPLAUSE
14:36APPLAUSE
14:37APPLAUSE
14:38The violin exploded.
14:56Someone must have fiddled with it.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58As I prepared for bed in the early hours of the morning,
15:06my mind was in a turmoil.
15:12The village Bobby had been in Ghana,
15:14satisfied with his theory
15:15that Sir Roger had been struck by a freak bolt of lightning.
15:19But I knew better.
15:21A murderer was on the loose and could possibly strike again.
15:27Although I had failed in my promise to keep Sir Roger safe,
15:29I was determined to break his killing to justice.
15:32LAUGHTER
15:32It suddenly occurred to me
15:37that if the assassin was aware of my true identity,
15:40then I'd sleep easier
15:41with my pistol in my hand.
15:43Many years of practice
15:53had turned me into a deadly expert with small arms.
15:56Ooh!
15:57LAUGHTER
15:57Fortunately, no one seemed to have heard the shot.
16:09Would you look at that now?
16:16Oh...
16:17Tch, tch, tch, tch!
16:18It was essential to get a couple of hours' sleep,
16:25since the Lord only knew
16:27what reserves of courage and endurance
16:29I might need in the morning.
16:30Oh...
16:31I was aroused from a troubled and restless sleep
16:49by the sound of the breakfast gong.
16:51You must have been more restless than I thought.
17:04LAUGHTER
17:05Oh...
17:06Oh...
17:08Shh...
17:10LAUGHTER
17:12LAUGHTER
17:14LAUGHTER
17:16LAUGHTER
17:18LAUGHTER
17:20I must apologise to Lady Ruth about that.
17:27Just as well I'm a crack shot.
17:29Or I might have killed someone.
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31LAUGHTER
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33MUSIC
17:34MUSIC
17:35MUSIC
17:36MUSIC
17:37MUSIC
17:38MUSIC
17:39MUSIC
17:40MUSIC
17:41MUSIC
17:43MUSIC
17:44MUSIC
17:45MUSIC
17:46MUSIC
17:50MUSIC
17:53Oh, what a terrible thing to do to a man of the cloth.
18:23Ah, there you are, dear lady. I'm afraid I have the most dreadful use. Are you listening to me, ma'am?
18:42The River and Oliver is as dead as mutton. Ma'am.
18:47And I see you've joined him. My God. How many more?
18:59You and a true pew. So are you. It was Hillary all along.
19:14Hillary, where are you? And he's stolen the eye of Carly.
19:23Hillary, where are you, you devil?
19:26Hillary, you devil! Hillary!
19:37It seems I misjudged you, Hillary.
19:42Hold on.
19:44Oh.
19:50Dead. Every last one of them.
19:54Except...
19:56the sinister Indian servant.
20:01I'll be pissed.
20:03I've left it in the bedroom.
20:14Hello there.
20:18You.
20:19But if you're dead as well, who sounded the breakfast gone?
20:23Actually, I did, old man.
20:26Is this what you're looking for?
20:28No.
20:29No, it can't be you. You're dead!
20:31On the contrary, Mr. Othick.
20:34I should shortly be the only one in this house who is alive.
20:37But... I don't understand.
20:39Well, let me explain.
20:41The exploding bar in was a mere optical illusion.
20:46Under cover of smoke and a blinding flash.
20:49I was able to escape through the window and hide myself in the cellars.
20:53From there, it was laughably easy to dispose of everybody one by one.
20:58But why, Sir Roger? Why?
21:00Well, you see, with my family out of the way,
21:03I am free to sell the eye of Carly.
21:07And I shall be able to live in luxury for the rest of my life
21:10with the adorable Baby Lafar
21:12on the sun-drenched coast of southern Albania.
21:16You dastardly swine.
21:19But what did you send for me in the first place?
21:21Well, I needed a scapegoat, old boy, you see.
21:23When the police discover your body,
21:25they would assume that you committed the murders
21:27and then killed yourself in a fit of remorse.
21:30It's been nice knowing you, old bean.
21:33I'll not go without a struggle.
21:35Look, I've left!
21:37Ah!
21:38Ah!
21:39Ah!
21:48Oh, my God!
21:55Good day to you, officer.
21:56Good day to you, sir.
21:58So, it was over at last.
22:03It was an ingenious plot, Sir Roger had contrived,
22:07which, without my intervention, might very well have succeeded.
22:10But then, he wouldn't have got very far.
22:13Little did he know that last evening, during my pre-dinner stroll,
22:17I immobilised every vehicle in the garage, with the exception of this, me own.
22:20And even this, I fitted with a famous explosive device, set to blow the car to smithereens, as soon as it reached 10 miles per...
22:29Oh, Jesus!
22:30Oh, Jesus!
22:46That is a rare specimen, sire.
22:49Would you care to try it?
22:50Oh, thank you very much.
23:00That's a genuine Louis XIV chair, sir.
23:02Really?
23:04Ah, sir.
23:05It's a bit tight, isn't it?
23:07I think I'd better try a Louis XV.
23:09Oh, hello, sir.
23:10Oh, don't move!
23:11Stay where you are.
23:12Now, I bet you a pound, that it takes more than 10 steps to reach this counter.
23:24Go on, have a bit of fun.
23:26A pound says, it's not worth it.
23:28It's not worth it.
23:29It's worth it.
23:30It's worth it.
23:31It's worth it.
23:32It's worth it.
23:33It's worth it.
23:34It's worth it.
23:35It's worth it.
23:36It's worth it.
23:37It's worth it.
23:38A pound says, it takes more than 10 steps.
23:47Oh, well done.
23:49A pound for the kangaroo man.
23:54It really was rather easy.
23:56Yes.
23:57Now, I wonder if you...
23:58Hang on a minute.
23:59I know you.
24:00You're that actor chap, aren't you?
24:02That star.
24:03A fiver says that's who you are.
24:05Come on, I'm good at faces.
24:06What star?
24:07You know that Randy chap calls himself the stud.
24:11The stud?
24:12Yeah.
24:13I thought I recognised you.
24:14You look absolutely...
24:15Yeah?
24:16Worn out.
24:18I'm a bank clerk.
24:19A bank clerk?
24:20A Randy bank clerk?
24:22Who ever heard of a Randy bank clerk?
24:25Oh, well.
24:26Oh, gosh.
24:27Must be my lucky day.
24:28It must be, yeah.
24:29And I never gamble.
24:30Oh, really?
24:31I bet you a pound that's because your wife won't let you.
24:36I'm not married.
24:38Actually, this is rather funny because my horoscope for today did suggest that I might come into
24:46some unexpected money.
24:47A fiver says you're a Leo.
24:48Virgo, actually.
24:49I should have known.
24:50What I really wanted...
24:51Think you're a number between one and seven.
24:52Er, six.
24:53Blast.
24:54Look, what I really care about.
24:55Come on, heads or tails?
24:56Come on, heads or tails?
24:57Oh, tricky one.
24:58Don't rush me.
24:59Yeah, I got you this time.
25:00Okay.
25:01Um, heads.
25:02No, tails.
25:03It seems to me you should be running a betting shop.
25:04I did once.
25:05Went broke in a week.
25:06Well, if you forgive me for saying so, it's hardly surprising, is it?
25:08If you come here to buy something, you ought to make fun of me.
25:09Sorry.
25:10All right.
25:11No, what I really came in for was to ask if you know where the car park is.
25:14Ask for me.
25:15No, no.
25:16No, no.
25:17No, no.
25:18No, no.
25:19No, no.
25:20No, no.
25:21No, no.
25:22No, no.
25:23No, no.
25:24No, no.
25:25No, no.
25:26No, no.
25:27No, no.
25:28No, no, no.
25:29No, no.
25:30No, no.
25:31No, no.
25:32I can't really think you've got anything that would suit me.
25:34I bet I have.
25:35There's something for everyone at Lucky Jim's.
25:38Lucky Jim's?
25:39No!
25:40There's thousands of bargains here.
25:42I'll tell you what, do you like books?
25:43Uh, yeah.
25:44Well, we've got some nice books here.
25:45Look.
25:46We've got, uh,
25:47we've got new books.
25:48Old books.
25:50Dirty books.
25:51Ah.
25:52Oh.
25:54Do you like sport?
25:55Uh, yes.
25:56Right.
25:58Something for the cricketer with that extra something.
26:03I don't think so, thank you.
26:04Tell you what, I'll tell you what.
26:06I bet you, I bet you £100 that I've got anything you want.
26:11Now, I can't be fairer than that, can I?
26:12£100.
26:14£100?
26:15Anything I want, you've got it.
26:17Yes, money's on the counter.
26:18You don't have to do this, you know.
26:21I've taken a lanky to you.
26:24All right.
26:26Have £100, you say?
26:27£100.
26:28Have you got...
26:29A snakeskin truss?
26:32No, I don't think so, thank you.
26:33Ah.
26:34I bet you haven't got...
26:36A map of the lost city of Atlantis.
26:38Waterproof, of course.
26:40No, I don't think so, thank you.
26:42All right, then.
26:43Have you got...
26:44Look at that.
26:45Your video-owned earthquake survival kit.
26:48A pair of wifers fitted with shoppers.
26:51You blow them up yourself.
26:53Or get a friend to, you know.
26:55I didn't like that.
26:56A big, blonde, half-naked nymphomaniac wearing stockings and suspenders.
27:01Just the one.
27:04You are a roundy little bank clerk, aren't you?
27:06You haven't got one of those, have you?
27:22Go on, admit it.
27:24I thought we had one in stock.
27:25Oh, well.
27:27Not to worry.
27:28It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
27:30I'm sure it has.
27:31Do come again, won't you?
27:31You can bet on it.
27:32Yes.
27:33You'll find the car park on your left.
27:36I hope it's full.
27:36Have I missed anything, Mr. Perp, right?
27:43Oh, Agnes, I do wish you wouldn't keep disappearing.
27:45Now, go on, get in that storeroom.
27:46Oh!
27:47Go on, in that storeroom.
27:48Go on, in you go.
27:51Ah, sir, do move.
27:52I beat you a pound.
27:53It takes more than ten cents.
27:55Please, sir.
27:55Who is it?
28:03The Boston Strangler.
28:06You'll see.
28:08It's for you.
28:14Go on, go on.
28:15Go on, go on.
28:17Go on.
28:18Ah!
28:20Hotman, me for my friend.
28:22Yay!
28:22And damnation for my enemies.
28:25Ah!
28:27Caleb, they do say the witch find a general be coming to the village.
28:32Yes, it is true.
28:34He is presently journeying through the countryside, seeking out witches, both male and female,
28:39who, as you well know, are the very instruments of the devil.
28:43Ah!
28:44You know of one in this village?
28:46Nay, but I have my suspicions.
28:49Old Mother Bishop Brigg.
28:52Now, she has been known to cast out warts and boils.
28:55Ah!
28:56I have heard.
28:57True, but she is a state-registered nurse.
29:00Ah!
29:01But I have seen a broom in her yard.
29:05Ah!
29:06Tis but for sweeping.
29:08Mayhap.
29:09But me thinks she has sold herself to Beelzebub.
29:14I have heard tell, she sold herself to you.
29:18Ah!
29:21Beelzebub have terror, or I will transmogrify thee, and bestow upon thee a knuckle sandwich.
29:29Suffice to say, that we must ever be on our guard against satanic powers.
29:35What a feather in our farthingale it would be if we could present to the witch-finder our own witch, gift-wrapped, as it were.
29:48How shall we know the one?
29:50Well, let us make our own test.
29:52Hence, anyone in this tavern uttering the word witch shall be proven to be one of that ungodly tribe.
30:02Now hearken for the word witch, and we may yet find our offering to the witch-finder general.
30:09Listen for the word witch.
30:10Ah, witch, witch, witch, witch, witch.
30:17Good eve, sirs.
30:18Ah!
30:19Good eve to you, good artisan.
30:21Unless I'm mistaken, we haven't seen you in these parts before.
30:24No, I usually play the modern stuff.
30:28I am come to work for me Lord Frockingham.
30:31Pardon?
30:31Up the manor.
30:35I tend his lobeliers and sucker his ollyhocks.
30:39Your name, honest toilet?
30:41My name, good sire, is Toby Light.
30:44And I live in a little cottage down Cowstep Lane, which is next to the smithy.
30:48Where?
30:49The one next to the smithy, with the thatched privy.
30:54Will you join me in a flagon, sire?
30:56Aye, that I will.
30:57I'll take a tankard of keg with thee.
30:59Ah, tis what thy right arms for.
31:04Now, which one of you will join me now?
31:06Please, to do it.
31:07Ah, well, sort it out amongst yourselves.
31:10I am replete with lolly this day, having done much overtime in seeding and weeding.
31:15My purse is groaning with groats.
31:19Potman served the company.
31:21I know not their individual tipples, but surely they will tell you which is which.
31:26Which?
31:28From whence come you, sire?
31:30I whence come from Steeple Bottom.
31:32A pleasing little hamlet, but a bloody awful Othello.
31:35Ha, ha, ha.
31:37Now, which is mine?
31:38Oh.
31:39Dost thou know of the black art?
31:43Is that another boozer?
31:45The black art.
31:47The rights of Satan.
31:48Communion with Lucifer.
31:49The alchemy of Beelzebub.
31:52Oh, you chock-a-block with pubs round here, then.
31:55Which one do you use?
31:57Oh.
31:58I tax the ear.
31:59Oh, I leave that to the government.
32:01I mean, I ask you, a penny in the pound.
32:05I'm thinking of emigrating like that Jagger the minstrel.
32:09Paying the mummer.
32:12Trouble is, I don't know which country to go.
32:14I charge the ear.
32:16I pay my own wax, sire.
32:18I charge these hearts with unnatural practices.
32:23We are looking for warlocks.
32:29What?
32:30There's no need for that.
32:34Oh, warlocks.
32:35Oh, I thought you said warlocks.
32:39Are I familiar with the word warlocks?
32:42Tis another word for...
32:44Another word for...
32:47Give tongue, give tongue.
32:49Wizard.
32:51Nay, sire.
32:52Not wizard.
32:54Rather...
32:56What?
32:57Witch!
32:58Ha-ha!
32:59Ha-ha!
33:00No!
33:01No, it's not me!
33:02It's not me, of course!
33:04He's the one!
33:05He's the one!
33:06It's a bit quiet round here for a Saturday, isn't it?
33:11Could you pop a frog's leg in there, my dear?
33:14It would seem, then, that you're a well-loved and popular man.
33:34Oh, without a doubt.
33:35Then perhaps we're looking in the wrong place for our suspect.
33:40Is there any member...
33:42Oh, what a terrible thing to do to a man with a cough, and I went out to cock.
33:56Ha-ha!
33:58Ha-ha!
34:00Ha-ha!
34:00Ha-ha!
34:02Ha-ha!
34:02Ha-ha!
34:02Ha-ha!
34:03Ha-ha!
34:04Dead.
34:05Every last one of them.
34:08Except...
34:09The sinister Indian servant. I'd like to do it again.
34:15Action!
34:17Henry!
34:25The chat wasn't on.
34:39The Hoffman man was blown up and it's
34:57limited.
35:01The 170
35:04days
35:07are

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34:14
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