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  • 2 days ago
The Dick Emery Show S17E03
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05:59Oh, yes. That's superb, in fact.
06:03Tell the lads to keep up the good work.
06:05We can flog this under the 12-year-old malt whiskey label.
06:09At the usual commission, I take it.
06:12Certainly. No one can ever accuse me of being dishonest.
06:16No offence, headmaster.
06:17It's simply that I like to see my boys increasing their pocket money.
06:21I'm glad you said that.
06:23And recent innovation of buying will give them every opportunity to do so.
06:27Come with me.
06:29Attention, messieurs, attention. Nous allons commencer.
06:39Vous ĂȘtes prĂȘts?
06:40Oui, messieurs.
06:41TrĂšs bien. Faites vos jeux, messieurs.
06:44Les jeux sont faits.
06:47Rien ne va plus. Attention, Antoine, faut pas tricher.
06:51Combined French and arithmetic listen.
06:53A brilliant idea, headmaster.
06:55With a 10% cut to the house.
06:57Not unprofitable.
06:59Money, money, money.
07:06Money, money, money.
07:08It's a rich man's world.
07:10Always a source of comfort and inspiration.
07:20Tools to go.
07:20Howe-ho-ho.
07:35sorry to disturb you headmaster but when you were at assembly your telephone was
07:41ringing most insistently so I took the liberty of answering it I became quite
07:46excited at what I heard it was a lady crowbar speaking on behalf of the Grand
07:55Duke Gustav of Malthusia she said she intends to visit the school this
08:02afternoon to ascertain its suitability for a certain person I think the time
08:09has come matron to let you into a secret it is quite possible shortly we should be
08:15having a small his royal highness in our charge not unfortunately one of the
08:26progeny of our own dear Queen this one's a wop
08:34better than nothing absolutely thrilling how do you suppose they came to hear of
08:41Cheethwell I've written told them about it my letter was supported by glowing
08:46recommendations from the Chancellor of Oxford University the Minister of Health
08:50and gave verily you amazed me headmaster you have a positive genius for making
08:57influential friends and for forging signatures do come in your leadership I'll inform the
09:08headmaster immediately you won't keep you a moment thank you dear
09:13good afternoon lady crowbar
09:29chiselet isn't it dr. Ignatius chiselet delighted to make your acquaintance me lady
09:38please do sit down thank you may I say how honored and delighted I am to welcome a personage of your
09:51breeding and distinction to this cut out the fiddle faddle chiselet and let's get down to brass
09:56text yes of course the booze knocking about yes of course perhaps you'd like a drop of
10:04chiselet I'll force one down I'll say when
10:34well now perhaps you'd like to see our perspectives and having glanced through the many and excellent
10:55services perhaps you'd like to visit our master's common room to meet the staff there's only one
11:00question I have to ask what's in it for me I don't think I quite oh come off it you know perfectly
11:09well that having a spring of royalty in the school allows you to at least double your fees
11:13and furthermore attracts a whole new lot of parents who will wish their
11:18voting offspring to share a dorm with his highness I think I detect a kindred spirit what sort of
11:36percentages did you have in mind let's not haggle about money it's so vulgar they're into deal excellent
11:41excellent excellent not so fast chiselet one small problem remains the grand duke being inordinately
11:49keen on physical fitness insists that whichever school I choose for its son must have an excellent
11:56record in the field of athletics sure that can be arranged unfortunately he has stipulated that a
12:03cross-country race beheld between the school sportsmaster and the national champion of Malthusia the
12:09school must win in order to gain the honor of educating Prince Alexis oh oh dear still I'm sure
12:18you'll allow me time to acquire a new more suitable games master oh I only wish I could however the race
12:26must take place the day following my interview with the headmaster tomorrow at 10 in the morning oh by the
12:35me congratulations on those excellent references you sent me thank you my lady your minister of health
12:42signature was first class but your Dame Vera Lynn needs practice
12:48oh it's so exciting headmaster didn't you think exhilarating I think our mr belcher has a jolly good
13:08chance he's the best sportsmaster we've ever had he's the only sportsmaster we've ever had
13:14a doctor yes I is a champion of Malthusia Ann
13:32it's a good day for strong full and powerful running yeah probably I shall some exercising's make
13:44for lumbering up the corpse excuse
13:49here comes mr. belcher
14:03how do you propose to tackle him well I'll give these up for a start
14:24I must have a word with hog
14:33very good
14:38is everything arranged hog yes sir good because I'm relying on you you haven't forgotten that you
14:46promised the boys a few extra days holiday at half term have you certainly not and as the
14:50small matter of 50 quid for me surely don't just trust a man of the cloth do you I do when he's a
14:57cheating old basket like you sir
14:59a wise head on young shoulders
15:04oh well better get on with it
15:08now you understand
15:1110 mile cross-country circuit starting and finishing here
15:16get set
15:18get set
15:23oh
15:26oh
15:28oh
15:30oh
15:32oh
15:34oh
15:36oh
15:38oh
15:40oh
15:42oh
15:44oh
15:46oh
15:57come on belly all ready for you
16:00oh
16:01oh
16:04oh
16:05oh
16:07oh
16:08oh
16:09oh
16:10oh
16:11oh
16:12Wall chain, sir. Off you get.
16:21Over the bridge, sir. Quick.
16:23Come on.
16:24Come on.
16:29I'll hide the bike.
16:42What happened, Zuna?
16:52I don't understand it.
16:55It should have been.
17:12Right, here it comes. Best of luck.
17:27Oh, blimey, must be one of them.
17:40Good morning.
17:41Delighting, young Miss Lady.
17:43Oh, come on, then.
17:44You've talked me into it, you smoothie.
17:53Oh, so good.
17:54What is it, Balsam?
18:08What odds are you quoting on the Malthusian champion, sir?
18:10I ain't one.
18:24I'll have a pound on him, sir.
18:26Oh, thank you.
18:26You're going to do it. The lady will win.
18:39He's going to do it, we'll later he'll win.
18:51And who was the fool who said cheats never prosper?
19:01Get up, you coward.
19:09Oh, boy.
19:10Be careful.
19:11Be careful.
19:12Are you a little bit happy?
19:13No, I won't do it.
19:14I won't do it.
19:15Come on!
19:16Come on!
19:17Come on!
19:18Do you want a little girl?
19:20Come on!
19:21Come on!
19:22Come on!
19:23Come on!
19:24Come on!
19:25Come on!
19:26Come on!
19:27Come on!
19:28Come on!
19:29Come on!
19:30Go on!
19:31Woo!
19:33Go on!
19:34Hi!
19:35Guys.
19:36Woo-hoo!
19:37We're going to do this on unusual subject.
19:38Oh!
19:40Oh!
19:41Now come along, Bill, Charlie!
19:43Come along, yes, you are!
19:45Oh, no, no, no!
19:47Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
19:50Have it on.
19:51There you could do it.
19:52Have it on.
19:54Oh, no!
19:56Oh, no!
19:59Oh, no!
20:01Oh, no, no!
20:02Oh, no!
20:03Oh, no!
20:04Oh, no!
20:06Oh, no!
20:24Show yourself.
20:28Your royal hands.
20:36Oh, oh, no!
20:38Oh, no!
20:39Oh, no!
20:40Oh, no, no!
20:44Oh, no!
20:46Um, me to show the prince to his quarters, will you?
20:49Certainly!
20:51This way, you will of course.
20:54I, uh, I won't be a moment, Matron.
20:58Ah, Chiselet. Good morning. Ah, me Lord Bishop. What an auspicious occasion you've chosen to visit Archbishop.
21:08Oh, yes indeed. I am well aware of your remarkable ability to attract the very cream to the school.
21:13A gift from the Almighty. Exactly the opinion of the Archbishop himself.
21:19Really? Which has decided him to reward you with advancement to the rank of Bishop.
21:24And to send you to take charge of a bigger and more important establishment.
21:29Oh, I'm overwhelmed.
21:32It is a brand new school, yes.
21:34On the banks of the Ngambo River in Sabutala.
21:39What?
21:40A remote and dangerous part of Africa to be sure.
21:45Most reward, once you've weaned them away from cannibalism.
21:49Cannibalism?
21:54Thank you, sir.
21:56Thank you, sir.
21:57Thank you, sir.
21:58Thank you, sir.
21:59Thank you, sir.
22:00Thank you, sir.
22:01Thank you, sir.
22:04Mr. Fulham?
22:05Yes?
22:06Gilbert Provero.
22:07Gilbert who?
22:08Gilbert Provero.
22:09Gilbert who?
22:10Gilbert Provero.
22:11I'm here to sell you a collapsible canvas canoe.
22:14I beg your pardon.
22:15Time waves, floods, cloudbursts, anything in that nature.
22:22You'll be sitting pretty if you happen to possess a collapsible canvas canoe.
22:27In fact, you'd have the decided edge on those who might otherwise be called upon to drown.
22:32Yes, I'm sure it sounds a very tempting proposition, but we are a bit above sea level here for that sort of thing.
22:39I mean, at this altitude, you'd have to have the water sent up if you wanted something to float a canoe on.
22:44I see, yes.
22:45It's funny you should say that.
22:47Have a look at this.
22:49What is it?
22:51It's a stone.
22:52I found it outside your door as I came in.
22:57Now, if you look very closely, you'll see there's an imprint of a fossil on it.
23:01A species of fish.
23:02Oh, so there is, yes.
23:03Now, I reckon you and I would have to have lived, ooh, several thousand million years ago to have met that fish in the flesh, Mr. Fulham.
23:10It's now extinct.
23:11Good Lord.
23:12Which proves conclusively that you are residing on what, several thousand million years ago, was nothing less than the ocean bed.
23:21The ocean bed?
23:22Yes.
23:23And what was once the ocean bed could very well be the ocean bed again.
23:28It only requires a geological cataclysm of global proportions, and you could be under 50,000 fathoms of saltwater without even realising it.
23:38Fikey.
23:39Fikey indeed.
23:40And in my book, Mr. Fulham, nobody but a madman would want to be caught napping when it happened.
23:47I mean, after all, they jeered Noah.
23:50But who had the last laugh there?
23:52Yes, but that was a good few thousand years ago.
23:55Precisely.
23:56And never another catastrophe on anything like the same scale since.
24:00Now, I ask you, it can't last forever.
24:02I mean, you'd be living in a fool's paradise if you thought that was any safeguard.
24:06Oh, would I?
24:07Oh, yes, indeed.
24:08I mean, you're sitting on a volcano if you did but know it.
24:11Good grief.
24:12Well, tell me, I mean, please, what is the answer?
24:20This.
24:21That?
24:22Absolutely.
24:23Yes, but that wouldn't keep me afloat for very long.
24:26No, granted, but you've got another 750 of these still to come.
24:30Ah.
24:31Now you're talking.
24:32Sewn together, waterproofed, and stretched over a specially constructed canoe-shaped wooden frame.
24:39And you'll have a purpose-built, ocean-going craft, second to none.
24:43I see.
24:44Well, that being...
24:45The first basic unit, which for a down payment of only ÂŁ10, is yours entirely free of charge.
24:53Well, that sounds very reasonable.
24:56Of course.
24:57Bought outright, the whole canoe could cost you somewhere well in the region of ÂŁ2,000.
25:02But for a payment of only ÂŁ10 monthly for each of these 751 units, you could build a canoe over the years without putting any strain on your budget at any one time.
25:14Well, I must say, that sounds excellent value for money.
25:17Does it?
25:18Yes, of course it does.
25:19And what's more, it's not a sort of service we can afford to give to anyone.
25:25Would you mean to say that I have been specially singled out?
25:29Oh, yes, we saw you coming.
25:32Or rather, you were the coming man when it came to handing out the key positions after the Holocaust.
25:37And therefore, someone to be given first priority as the most vital person to be saved.
25:43Really?
25:44Well, tell me, who do I make out the check to?
25:50Um, Gilbert Prothero, Collapsible Canvas Canoe Company.
25:56Gee, Prothero.
25:59Oh, just a minute.
26:00What happens in the event of a flood occurring before the, um...
26:03Canoe is completed?
26:04Oh, in that case, Mr. Fulham, you don't have to pay a penny piece more... ever.
26:09Good Lord!
26:10Yes.
26:11Now, in the case of one of our dearer models, that represents quite a considerable, uh, saving.
26:15Really?
26:16Oh, yes.
26:17And I, in fact, I mean, if the water were to rise at all rapidly, you'd save more in the matter of minutes by simply drowning...
26:25...than anyone, uh, could, um, in a lifetime.
26:29Ah.
26:30The same applies if you were blown up or even buried under an avalanche for some reason.
26:36Uh, what if someone were to stick a knife in my back?
26:39Oh, exactly the same applies.
26:41Anything involving sudden decease and your payments end automatically.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:47I must say, that's an exceedingly generous concession.
26:50Mm-hm.
26:51Well, we tried to help people, Mr. Fulham.
26:53Yeah.
26:54In fact, um, looking at it from a worldly-wise point of view, the answer would seem to be to opt for the most expensive model you have...
27:00...and then pray for a quick death.
27:02LAUGHTER
27:03Yes, well, that way you'd certainly make a killing.
27:07LAUGHTER
27:08Well, it's been a pleasure to do business with you, Mr. Fulham.
27:11Thank you very much indeed.
27:12And you.
27:13The, uh...
27:14Oh!
27:15So sorry.
27:17Thank you very much.
27:18There we are.
27:19Cheers.
27:20We'll use your camminix next time, darling.
27:25LAUGHTER
27:26Let's get down the bank with this before it closes.
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29APPLAUSE
27:30Hello, love.
27:31I'm home.
27:32Harold.
27:33Harold, I said, I'm home.
27:35Oh, good, have you got it?
27:37Yes, yes, I've got it.
27:38Well, come on, let's have a look at it, then.
27:47It's here.
27:48In here.
27:49Oh, go on, you take it.
27:50I don't want nothing...
27:52No, no, no. I'm home.
27:54Harold. Harold, I said, I'm home.
27:57Oh, good. Have you got it?
27:58Yes, yes, I've got it.
27:59Well, come on, let's have a look at it, then.
28:01It's here. In here.
28:02Oh, go on, you take it.
28:03I don't want nothing more to play with it.
28:10Well, what's this, then?
28:12It's a snake.
28:14Well, I know it's a snake.
28:15I didn't think it was a limp walking stick.
28:18Of course it's a snake. It's obvious it's a snake, innit?
28:20Well, that's what you asked me to get you.
28:22A snake. So that's what you got.
28:24I asked you to get me a Western Ognose.
28:27Not a Waggler's Pit Viper.
28:29Well, what difference does it make?
28:31They all look the same to me.
28:33Look, look, I'll show you.
28:34They all look the same, Agnes.
28:36Look, a Western Ognose has an upturned snout.
28:39And it's commonly slate grey in colour.
28:42Whereas a Waggler's Pit Viper
28:43has two marked indentations on the head
28:46and large yellow eyes.
28:48Just like your mum.
28:48Harold, if you're not satisfied,
28:53why don't you go down the Natural History Museum
28:55and get them yourself?
28:56I've just about had enough of all this.
28:59All you ever think about,
29:00all you ever talk about is snakes.
29:03Snakes, snakes, snakes.
29:04You've got snakes on the brain.
29:07I haven't got snakes on the brain.
29:09Now, turn the telly on.
29:10It's my favourite programme coming up.
29:11Oh, what's that then?
29:12Monty Python.
29:14You see, you are obsessed.
29:17Oh, I just don't know why you have to do it.
29:20I'll tell you why I have to do it, Agnes.
29:22My entire performance on Mastermind next week
29:24stands or falls by this research.
29:28Would have to be snakes, wouldn't it?
29:30I mean, they're so repulsive.
29:33Look at them all,
29:34walking all over our furniture.
29:36And how do you think I feel?
29:38Gazing at that ugly, slimy thing
29:41on my television every night.
29:42That's no way to talk about Nicholas Parsons.
29:47You know perfectly well what I mean.
29:50Here, just a minute.
29:52What's the time?
29:53Oh, six o'clock.
29:55Ha, six o'clock.
29:56Right, come on then.
29:57Oh, no, do we have to?
29:59You know, six o'clock every night, remember?
30:01We agreed.
30:03Well, Harold, I don't feel like it tonight.
30:05I've got a headache.
30:08Agnes.
30:09Oh, well, all right then.
30:19Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
30:21Yeah.
30:22That's very nice, like that.
30:23Here we are.
30:24Right.
30:26Here.
30:27That's right here.
30:28Okay.
30:29Okay, yeah.
30:30All right.
30:31Yeah.
30:32Right.
30:35Now.
30:37Harold Swindley, plasterer from Clapham.
30:40You have two minutes on your specialised subject of snakes.
30:45Start in.
30:46Now.
30:47What do you call a long reptile with no limbs
30:50that moves by contracting segments of its body?
30:53A snake.
30:54Correct.
30:54Correct.
30:55What sort of animal is an asp?
30:58A snake.
30:59Correct.
31:00What creature would you get if you crossed a snake with a snake?
31:04A snake.
31:05Correct.
31:07What kind of animal would you expect to find in a snake house?
31:10Oh, no, Harry.
31:13These are too easy.
31:15Are you sure these are the kind of questions you'll get on the programme?
31:18A snake.
31:20Harold.
31:20Look, I told you we do the simple ones first.
31:25Just so I can get the feel of it.
31:26The more difficult ones are on the back.
31:28Go on.
31:28Oh.
31:29Ready?
31:29What is the natural habitat of a grass snake?
31:36Stop.
31:41Er, er.
31:42Er.
31:44Er, what is, er.
31:46What was the question again?
31:49Oh.
31:49Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
31:51Oh, of course.
31:52Oh, look, I'm fed up with this.
31:54This whole thing is a complete waste of time.
31:56Well, I've had enough of it.
31:58I am not stopping in this snake-infested house a moment longer.
32:02That's all it is.
32:03Snakes, snakes, snakes.
32:04Well, I've had enough of snakes.
32:06I am sick of snakes.
32:07I'm fed up with them.
32:08I'm sorry, Agnes, I've gone as far as I can go.
32:17I've been studying snakes for the last ten weeks.
32:21I've read about them.
32:22I've been examining them.
32:24I've dissected them.
32:25I've got snakes coming out of me ear holes.
32:28And why?
32:28Because I want to win that competition.
32:30That's why.
32:31I mean, when this letter came from the BBC and I read these words,
32:35look, we are pleased to tell you you've been accepted for mastermind.
32:39Your specialist subject will be snails.
32:42When I read them words...
32:45What did you say?
32:48Snails.
32:49Harold, get out of this room.
32:51All right, I'm going.
32:52All right.
32:53That way, go on.
33:16All right.
33:16Well, he called at the kitchen door
33:39and delivered a quantity of tinned pet food.
33:41Indeed.
33:42Yes, there are four cases of doggy squaff.
33:44No, they're not.
33:46Oh, my God.
33:50Action.
33:53Good afternoon, lady.
33:59You amaze me, headmaster.
34:02You have a positive genius for making influential friends.
34:06And for boarding seats as well.
34:10Excellent.
34:12And let that be a lesson to you.
34:14Yes, hog.
34:15Thank you, hog.
34:16I assure you, it won't happen again.
34:20Better not.
34:22Otherwise, you'll be kicked out of the school.
34:25Thank you, caf down.
34:26Thank you, Hollywood.
34:29Thank you, hog.
34:35Thank you,こんにづは.