Before You Go And Schedule Your Next Poop Cruise

If Cruises Were Honest #shorts #cruise #cruiseship #vacation #travel #parody #youtubeshorts

Transcript

00:00I'm Roger, and I invite you to spend a week or two aboard one of my floating megastructures,

00:07doing a bunch of stuff that you could do just about anywhere else.

00:11But we want you doing it more expensively and with more difficulty on a big boat.

00:18Well, everything's more fun on a boat, because it's a boat.

00:22Oh, sure, it is a boat in that it might catch fire and sink.

00:25But you aren't really going boating. This thing is so big you can't even feel that you're on a ship.

00:31You're surrounded by an ocean you can't touch.

00:34Though if you like swimming, you're welcome to hop in the pool to inhale a little communal pee.

00:40Hey, no splashing! There really isn't room for splashing.

00:44I heard there are tons of activities to do on cruises.

00:47Oh, sure there are. Eat seven times a day,

00:51inflating yourself with room temperature shellfish till food poisoning plops you on the toilet for the rest of your voyage.

00:58Ignore your children for an entire week and let them go all Lord of the Flies in the kid's zone.

01:03Head to the casino to steadily bleed more money on top of what you already paid

01:08till you don't remember where you are or even what your name is.

01:12But there are shows, right? Music, comedy, magic.

01:17You know where else has shows? Literally any city on earth.

01:21Only elsewhere when a performer's awful,

01:23you don't have to worry about bumping into them again tomorrow and the next day.

01:28Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

01:29I hope you enjoyed my lukewarm political takes and my Cartman impression.

01:34I'll be here all week.

01:35And so will you.

01:36Uh, I was hoping for a luxurious vacation like the Titanic.

01:40Luxurious. We market cruises as a luxury to people for whom any vacation is a luxury.

01:47Which is, to be fair, a whole lot of people.

01:49But no actual rich people waste their time in these disease-incubating floating dormitories.

01:56I got a new strain from a passenger last week.

01:58They're calling it Hepatitis Ampersand?

02:01But, but, but Titanic.

02:03Yeah, Titanic, over a hundred years ago.

02:07You know why people took cruises then?

02:09Because a ship was the only route from one coast to another.

02:13But if they could just fly across the ocean in a few hours,

02:17and then spend the saved time on some other cooler rich person stuff, they would.

02:22They didn't have cruises back then that left New York and came back to New York one week later.

02:28Because that would be stupid.

02:29Because that would be stupid.