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  • 6 days ago

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00:00I love you, too.
00:30We had now reached the middle of July
00:41And under a canopy of blue skies
00:45The crops appeared to be coming along nicely
00:48Soon then we'd all be rolling up our sleeves
00:52And getting down to the job of harvesting them
01:00I couldn't look forward to that though
01:07Because I had to focus on getting the pub open
01:11Right mate
01:14Right, jobs
01:16Yes
01:17I want to get it open by the August bank holiday
01:21End of August
01:22Yeah
01:22Alright, so if we keep six weeks in our head
01:25And there are certain things
01:26We're not going to do much
01:27No
01:28But there are certain things we've got to do
01:30For example, what we're standing on
01:31Repair the decking
01:33I want it to look good
01:33It'll look brilliant
01:34Yeah
01:34So we've got a nice area out here
01:37Yes
01:37Now this
01:39The next job was water
01:41Because the survey had revealed that if you drank it
01:44You'd very quickly vomit yourself to death
01:47This is where the borehole is
01:49Yeah, there's a borehole down there
01:50And this water, we've been told, is poisonous
01:53Yeah, it's got some disease in it, it's not drinkable
01:56We have to get the water sorted before we can open it
01:59Yeah, you can't use that
02:00Alan suggested that instead
02:03We should tap into the mains pipe that fed the farm across the road
02:07That's where the water main is in that field
02:10Oh is it?
02:11Yeah
02:11In here
02:11Well that's not going to be difficult to find
02:14No easy, two minute job
02:15Disabled loos here
02:17Yeah
02:18In front of the propane tank
02:20After going through the interior jobs
02:25Stud wall, little bar
02:27Changed that bar
02:29Yes
02:30We then got down to brass tacks
02:32Oh no, you're going to say how much now, aren't you?
02:35Yeah
02:35Well, I'm not worried about this, this is peanuts
02:38What do you call peanuts?
02:39Well, let's just say, let's just say
02:4110 to 15,000 to put a brand new deck in down here
02:44And tighten it up
02:45Okay
02:46Next
02:46Water
02:47The water main, we're going to piss about that for a couple of days
02:50Let's just, let's just say 1,000 pound
02:52To get your water up here properly
02:53Oh, that's what's about it
02:54Not a big deal, is it?
02:55Next
02:56Stud wall and bar upstairs
02:58A bar and stud wall, I think you spend five grand, five grand up there
03:02That's easy
03:03Next
03:04Bar downstairs
03:05That's a bit different
03:06Yeah
03:07Make a nice bar down there
03:08Well, you ought to give me a budget on that, really
03:10If you wanted to spend six, seven
03:11Yeah, exactly
03:11Yeah
03:11I could work that one out
03:13Yeah
03:13So really, it's sort of 20 to 25
03:16Yeah
03:17We can make this pub
03:18Workable
03:19Yeah
03:20Whilst Alan's lad set about demolishing the rotten decking
03:30He and I went to see if any other jobs needed doing
03:36And instantly, we ran into a welcome face
03:40G-Dog
03:42Jeremy
03:43Alan
03:44The old general's back
03:46What have you done to your hair?
03:49Did you only have five quid?
03:52No, I got it done for ten
03:54I have it
03:56I have it
03:57Well, they didn't do the back
03:58No
03:59You open the top of the old thing
04:00And then the old thing on the top of that, yeah
04:03Yeah
04:04You know, this was the age when I was about four years old
04:07Hey, listen, I'm glad you're here because this
04:10Yeah
04:11We just need to get this rebuilt
04:13Yeah
04:14I don't know how the old him still look like that though
04:17Do you remember this?
04:18If this is a grass, they'll go and splatter the wall again perhaps
04:21You know, a trick show or something
04:23That's a long way from Chadlington to here
04:26Because I was going to say, you can have a link like that
04:28And the cones, I can always get them root
04:30If they've got old enough
04:31So I can tell you perhaps
04:33I mean, if they're here and I can be on it as well, can't I?
04:38Yeah
04:39Yeah
04:39That would be good
04:40Yeah
04:42So it's just, that's what we've got to get done
04:43Yeah
04:44Well, we'll just pop it down here, we'll be back in a minute
04:45Yeah, okay
04:46I'll see you in a bit
04:47It won't be long
04:48With the pub renovation underway
04:53I got back to the business of providing it with food
04:58Endgame would eventually have his own production line
05:02But I couldn't wait for that to come on stream
05:05So I decided to go to my first ever cattle auction
05:08And buy some cows
05:11Hello
05:15Charlie
05:15Hi
05:16I'm just wondering
05:17How many cows do you think I should buy?
05:20We need between six and seven
05:22Maybe eight
05:23Okay
05:24So I'll get eight cows
05:26And these are store cows
05:28People will
05:29Well, you don't want to buy store stores
05:33You want to buy something that actually we can finish fairly quickly
05:36What? I literally don't know what you mean
05:40What does that mean?
05:41I mean, we want something that's only about two months away from being fat to slaughter
05:49Because
05:50So a fat cow is ready to go
05:53Yeah
05:55A store cow is on its way to being ready to go
05:58Correct
05:58All right, thanks, Charlie
05:59Good luck
06:00Bye, thank you
06:01I still wasn't totally sure what Charlie was on about
06:06But there was no need to panic
06:08Because Harriet had kindly agreed to come along and hold my hand
06:13And we started by going through the breeds on sale
06:23Charlie and Angus
06:24Yeah
06:25Charlie and Angus
06:26Yeah
06:27Any good?
06:28Yeah
06:29These will run on moorland at altitude
06:30Yeah
06:31So it's telling you they're coming down, aren't they?
06:33So you always want animals to come down in altitude rather than going up
06:37Because, say, if you've got a sheep and it's been bred on high altitude, it could go to lower altitude
06:43But if you had a lower altitude sheep, you wouldn't want to put it on high altitude
06:46Why not?
06:48Because it wouldn't survive
06:49It's not used to that altitude
06:52What, because the air's thin?
06:53Yeah
06:54It's just not used to it
06:55So sheep just die, don't they?
06:56So if you put it somewhere with a higher altitude, it'll probably just drop dead
07:00Belgian blues, I was reading about those
07:02Yes
07:03Last week
07:04What's... there's something wrong with them?
07:06What's wrong with them?
07:07It was in the Times
07:11Foot and mouth, that's coming back round, I don't know, but that wouldn't just be in Belgian blues
07:15Oh, here we are
07:16They're called XL Bully cows
07:19A muscle-bound foreign cow dug the XL Bully could replace UK breeds under secret research plans
07:28Belgian blues can weigh up to 197 stone, equal to a small rhino and are bred for extra meat
07:35But Belgian blues have also been behind a series of savage attacks
07:40Ex-Home Secretary David Blunkett, whose blind suffered three broken ribs
07:44Oh!
07:45As he protected his guide dog from a charging cow in the Peak District
07:48It was a massive European breed and I could have been killed
07:52So Belgian blues are dangerous
07:54You're not gonna buy in anything nasty anyway
07:57We then went to the pens to look at the cows themselves
08:01Morning
08:02Hiya
08:03I love the advert
08:05Mobile sheep nipping
08:07Slurry systems
08:10So...
08:12Look at the back on that, right? That's what you're looking for
08:18It's flat back like a table top, isn't it?
08:21So we don't want to see his spine, we don't want to see any bones
08:24You don't want them to be pot-bellied
08:26But that's the worst
08:28Yeah
08:29You don't want them to be pot-bellied
08:31You just want them to look muscly
08:33Good
08:34Yeah, so you're gonna get your steaks throughout it
08:36So what you want to be looking at is the meat-to-fat ratio
08:39Following Harriet's advice, I made a long shortlist of the cows I thought Charlie would want me to get
08:48Three, six
08:49And then I was given a crash course in how to bid
08:53You need to play it by ear, you know, say he's starting off at £1,200
08:58Don't bid, because then they'll bid you up
09:01Who will?
09:02The other buyers
09:03Because they'll know you want them cows
09:05Because you've bought in your bid
09:06So you want to wait until the last minute to put in your bid
09:09How do I know when the last minute's coming?
09:11Because when he's stuck at a number, you'll know that it's not going any further
09:15That's when you'll go
09:17How do I go?
09:19That
09:21Highbrow
09:22But don't bid on anything we don't want
09:25Because he'll take this as a gesture
09:28So you can't be going, like, putting your hand up or itching your nose
09:33Oh, he'll take that as a...
09:34You'll take that as you're wanting to buy it
09:36All right
09:37And then we'll be going home with 20 of the wrong cows
09:49All right, ladies and gentlemen, make a start
09:51Can you see that TV up there?
09:52Yeah
09:53That's going to tell you what lot number you want
09:55Okay, good, don't see you since I'm here
09:57And that was the last thing I understood
10:00Because at that moment, the auctioneer started speaking
10:041060, 60. 75, 70. 80. 90. 100 a bit
10:0711, 100 a bit
10:0811, 100 a bit
10:0912, 11 20 a bit
10:1020, 11 20 a bit
10:11130 bit
10:1211, 30, 40
10:1311, 40, 50, 50, 50, 50, 55
10:1450 a bit
10:1511 60 bit
10:1680 for a bit 85
10:17Go now
10:1812, 5, 10
10:1915
10:2012, 25
10:2112, 20 for a bit
10:22South-ierra
10:31Does he talk like this to his wife when he wants you to pass the ramaday?
10:36I don't know, you should ask her.
10:38Yeah, that's a marmalade, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
10:40Children, you know, when we do your homework,
10:42I'm going upstairs for a shit now,
10:44and then I'm going to wipe my bottom, and then I'm going to come down to us,
10:46either there or have our supper,
10:47and then I'm going to watch East Enders,
10:49and then I'm going to move and move and move.
10:51Show me 1240.
10:53Right, these, these are good.
10:55Are you bidding?
11:01Are you bidding?
11:03609, 10,
11:0520, 20, 20,
11:0626, 20,
11:0716, 20,
11:0916, 20.
11:1116, 20.
11:13I'm sorry, did you just mull it there?
11:15Yeah.
11:1716, 20, so you've got two at 16, 20.
11:20Two, three, four, 16, 20.
11:22How were you bidding?
11:23Were you just letting your toenails grow when you saw it?
11:26I mean, I didn't see it.
11:27Oh, hello.
11:28That's a nice beast.
11:30At this point, I decided it was time to pull rank.
11:34I'm supposed to be bidding.
11:36And do some buying myself.
11:3911, 10, 20,
11:4011, 20, 30,
11:4111, 30,
11:42I'm leaving you to it.
11:4411, 50,
11:45I'm leaving you to it.
11:4611, 50.
11:48Stop putting your hands on.
11:5011, 50.
11:51Nearly.
11:52Nearly twice.
11:53Nearly twice.
11:54Did I buy that?
11:55You bought it twice, yeah.
11:56Did I buy it?
11:57You bid yourself up.
11:58Shit.
12:0111, 70, 70, 70, 50.
12:03Nevertheless, I continued on my own.
12:06One, two, seven, oh, diddly squat.
12:08I'm pleased with that.
12:09He's a good-looking cow.
12:1010, 9, 10, 20, bidder, 50, bidder, 50, bidder.
12:139, 40,000.
12:1460 pounds.
12:15Did I buy those?
12:16Yeah.
12:23Until eventually...
12:25...diddly squat, 1260.
12:28So, you've got one, two, three, four, five, six.
12:32You've got eight.
12:33So, we're done?
12:34We're done.
12:36With the money handed over and my cows being loaded,
12:40I asked Harriet to explain one last thing.
12:44When I bought one of those cows,
12:46a man came over and gave me 40 quid.
12:50Why did he do that?
12:51It's luck money.
12:53So, when you buy someone's cows,
12:54they give you luck money with them as an incentive to buy them.
12:57So, it's cash money you've just given me?
12:59Yeah.
13:00No tax.
13:02Well, there is now, because I've just put it on television.
13:05HMRC, I'll watch.
13:06We'll give it in back.
13:08Having said goodbye to our part-time diddly squatter...
13:11Take care of yourself.
13:12Yeah. See you later.
13:16...I headed back to the farm with my new cows.
13:19Come on, new cows!
13:21...and waited for Charlie to shower me with praise
13:24for a job well done.
13:27Check them out.
13:28Those two limousins are cracking.
13:30They're really good.
13:31They'll finish quite great.
13:32The other one's Harriet brought.
13:34Did you choose the other ones that did Harriet?
13:36I did.
13:37Don't you think this one's pretty cool?
13:39No.
13:40It hasn't got a round rump on the back.
13:42It's bare.
13:43Oh.
13:44What about that one?
13:45Again.
13:46What's the matter with that one?
13:47They're just not big enough yet.
13:48They've got good frames,
13:49but they need to pack some weight on.
13:52Oh.
13:53Did you know there was some fat cattle at the market?
13:55Yeah, but you said don't get fat ones.
13:56I said buy fat ones to you.
13:57You said get store, store cattle.
13:59Late store, not fat.
14:00I said they want to be...
14:02The first couple needs to be a month from being finished.
14:04So if they'd have been fat, they'd have been finished.
14:07Oh, God, have I done it wrong.
14:09Well, we've not done it right.
14:11So we might be lucky to finish those brown ones by the end of August.
14:16This one, probably six months.
14:20No, six months.
14:22Charlie said the only way to get them ready for the pub more quickly
14:27was to put them on a high-intensity, bulking-up diet.
14:31You need to change this.
14:33Okay.
14:34We're going to make you big fat cows.
14:37While Charlie went off to organize that, I headed back to the windmill
14:44for my first meeting with Sue and Rachel.
14:49You've got to look at it as a machine here.
14:52And we definitely want it to look great, and we want to keep...
14:56Together, they specialize in setting up pubs in the Cotswolds,
14:59and now I needed them to get mine off the ground.
15:04More immediate problem.
15:05I want to get this place open in five weeks.
15:09Well, obviously, it's quite daunting.
15:11It's not ideal, is it?
15:12But we'll do it.
15:13Sue then outlined how efficient the operation would have to be.
15:18You know, we're going to seat or serve 150 pounds
15:21150 people in here, 100 on the terrace.
15:24Yeah.
15:25Two, three times, four times a day.
15:26Yeah.
15:27So for every meal that's coming out of that kitchen,
15:29there's got to be an efficient machine,
15:31because the food has got to whiz in.
15:33Everyone knows what they're instantly doing with it.
15:35Do it.
15:36Shove it out the front door.
15:38I then showed them the kitchen,
15:40which I assumed was already full of everything we'd need.
15:45This back cook line, I think, to do the numbers that we're talking about,
15:48needs to be vastly improved.
15:51A new six burner, a char grill,
15:53probably a salamander grill on the wall.
15:55Definitely a salamander grill.
15:57This rationale, we need another one of at the other end of the kitchen.
16:01So you need two of those?
16:02Yeah.
16:03How much is this?
16:04That's like a mega oven.
16:05How much is it?
16:06Seven grand.
16:07What for an oven?
16:08But it's a really amazing oven.
16:09How can we possibly spend 7,000 on an oven?
16:11It's the chef's favourite toy.
16:13How much do you think we'd need to spend in here?
16:16Well, if we're having brand new kit,
16:1875 to 100 grand.
16:20A lot of money.
16:21That's what it might is.
16:23Yeah.
16:24It is a surprise, I know that.
16:2675 to 100?
16:27About three years internationally.
16:29I thought I was sure you said 100,000.
16:31But we could probably halve that for reconditioned.
16:34Less than 50.
16:3535 to 40.
16:37With a bit of reconditioned, a little bit of not top spec.
16:42And will that be able to do carvery cooking at weekends?
16:45Yeah.
16:46So what goes in here, then?
16:48We'll keep this, obviously.
16:49This is prep.
16:50Yeah.
16:51Oh, so this is food prep.
16:52Yeah.
16:53It's really disgusting.
16:54Look at this floor.
16:55This is not new dirt.
16:56This is old dirt.
16:57It's filthy.
16:58Look in that fridge.
16:59It is disgusting.
17:00Filthy.
17:01We've got to line all these filthy walls.
17:03It's cheap and cheerful.
17:04It's just cladding.
17:05You need to go inside.
17:06It's just, I mean, one of the things...
17:07You know we're going to put the shop in here.
17:09What?
17:10Lisa's shop.
17:11We need that area.
17:13We've got so much to store.
17:15There's spare furniture.
17:16There's spare glass there.
17:17No, no, no.
17:18She can't have a shop in here.
17:19The thing is, we do need a lot of storage.
17:22We've got...
17:23What storage?
17:24Napkins.
17:25We've got rackings.
17:26Fair crockery.
17:27Dry store.
17:28Millions of glasses.
17:29Stacks of blue rolls.
17:30Brillo pads.
17:31Millions of things.
17:32You need storage.
17:33This is what people don't see in pubs.
17:34No.
17:35You see sort of a smiley waitress pulling a pint.
17:37Mm-hmm.
17:38That is about 1% of it.
17:40And the rest is mostly...
17:41Shit.
17:42I think, in and out.
17:43Stacking chemicals.
17:44Shit.
17:45How are you going to break it to her?
17:47Because I don't think...
17:48I'll do what I always do.
17:50I think of a solution and then tell her the solution.
17:54If I tell her the problem, I'm beaten about the head and neck with blunt instruments.
18:01After slotting that problem into my mental microwave, I went to find Alan.
18:07Oh, man.
18:08Oh, man.
18:09God almighty.
18:10Oh.
18:11Who'd messaged me to say the pub's septic tank was full.
18:16And also broken.
18:18Right, chaps.
18:19Hi, Jeremy.
18:20Hello, lads.
18:21What is all this shit?
18:23That's the fiberglass tank.
18:25The castle that's collapsed inside.
18:27Go on over, Jeremy, and have a look down in them holes.
18:30You have a look down there.
18:32Oh, my fucking...
18:34I know.
18:47Unbelievable.
18:48Oh, God.
18:51Fuck me, man.
18:53A lot of the problem with this is grease.
18:57That's what you can smell, grease.
18:58Is that what that is, that sharpness?
19:00Grease?
19:01That smells like shit to me.
19:02That's probably what's collapsed the baffle inside.
19:05What's a baffle?
19:06The weight of it.
19:07Separates the shit from the water.
19:09Is he pumping it out now?
19:11Yeah.
19:12And that's going in your wagon up there?
19:13Yeah.
19:14We're gonna put some new pipes in it to make it work again.
19:17Okay.
19:19You've got to bear in mind this was the 60s or 70s.
19:22It's never been cleaned out of touch.
19:23That's been collecting grease and shit for...
19:26Since the pub opened in the 80s, but it was...
19:28The tank was here beforehand.
19:2950-odd years.
19:30Yeah.
19:31Look.
19:32Somebody's dropped that.
19:33Somebody's dropped it down the box.
19:34Might still work.
19:35Might still work, he said.
19:37We've got a new telephone.
19:39Oh, my fucking God.
19:42No, no, no.
19:43I don't believe it.
19:45Shit.
19:46He's in there.
19:47That man is in there.
19:48Yes.
19:49He's going on holiday tomorrow.
19:50He's going to grease tomorrow.
19:51He's going to grease tomorrow.
19:52He's going to grease tomorrow.
19:55He's going to grease tomorrow.
19:57Yeah.
19:58And you'll stink of grease for a week now.
20:01So he could have done any job in the world?
20:03Yeah.
20:04No.
20:05But he went, no.
20:06But we've been in the shit all our lives.
20:08All right.
20:09All right.
20:10Well, I'm better than you.
20:11Coming in?
20:12Hell, yeah.
20:13I'm too fat, mercifully.
20:14Unbelievable.
20:15You guys, you're amazing.
20:17Amazing, amazing work.
20:22There you go, boss.
20:23Over the following days,
20:25work on the pub continued at an industrious pace.
20:35It is a shitty shithole at the moment, isn't it?
20:40Man, please don't go.
20:42Man, please don't go.
20:43And in amongst all the manual labor,
20:46Sue tried to find a chef.
20:50And Lisa went shopping for furniture.
20:53I'm a big fan of the French bistro table.
20:56This is a nice space as well.
20:57We could get a piece of marble on there, couldn't we?
20:59Gosh, what are you doing to me?
21:02Look at this.
21:04I, meanwhile, had to prepare the bulking-up diet
21:07for the new cows.
21:10Which, first of all, meant a trip over to the Hawkston brewery.
21:16And how much, how much do these weigh?
21:17Nearly a tonne.
21:18Nearly a tonne.
21:20Where Mark the brewer had boxed up some suitable ingredients.
21:26So what we've got in each of these
21:28is what's called brewer's grain.
21:30And that's a waste product from the brewery.
21:34Half a tonne in this one, half a tonne in that one.
21:37And then you take that over and feed it to the cows.
21:40And there's a circularity then.
21:42So, waste product feeds cows.
21:45Cows get fat.
21:46Cows shit on field.
21:48Grow barley in field.
21:49Bring it back here.
21:50Make it into beer.
21:52It's just so sustainable.
21:53I'm basically Greta Thunberg, but in wellies.
21:59Back at the farm, I met up with sous chef Caleb
22:03so we could start making the cows their mega-meals.
22:08So, this mixed up with the barley that we couldn't sell last year
22:12because it wasn't good enough for beer.
22:13Make sure you roll that, though.
22:14Roll it.
22:15And then molasses for that cheekily taste.
22:18Yeah, to make this palatable for them.
22:19Yeah.
22:20And then the waste product from making our vegetable oil.
22:24Yeah.
22:25Or, how's this for an idea?
22:27Why don't we just buy them a Wetherspoons breakfast every day?
22:33In order to get the cow catering underway,
22:36Charlie had ordered in a giant rural Magimix.
22:40Heya.
22:41How you doing, mate? You all right?
22:42Good. How are you?
22:43James.
22:44Hi there. Jeremy, how are you?
22:45James, how you doing?
22:46So, it's like a big hoover.
22:48Suck your barley in.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Suck your rake meal in.
22:52Mixes it all up.
22:53There's augers in the centre.
22:54Oh, it mixes it in there?
22:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:56And then I've got minerals and molasses to go in as well.
23:05That is so satisfying.
23:07I could do this all day.
23:09I can't break up, eh?
23:10Yeah.
23:11I love the idea of cooking with a lorry.
23:16Gordon Ramsay, Marco Pierre White, Angus Steakhouse, they don't cook with lorries.
23:29And there it is, cow food.
23:39At feeding time later that afternoon,
23:41we added in the brewer's grain...
23:44Just sprinkle that over the top of this.
23:46...and dinner was served.
23:52Come on, cows. This is it.
23:55Mmm, delicious.
23:59Look! Yes, look at that. Eat it up.
24:02Look! Look!
24:04How delicious is that with the molasses in it?
24:06I can see them getting fatter and fatter.
24:09They love it, though. They really do love it.
24:19Over at the pub, nearly every surface you could walk on
24:23was out of bounds.
24:24So, I headed outside to clear the undergrowth with my favourite companion.
24:34There you go.
24:36Yes, the emotional support unit is back.
24:41And he's hungry.
24:47Sadly, though, my therapy session was cut short by Sue and Rachel,
24:51who called me in for an urgent chat.
24:56Well, first on our list,
24:58covering the deck with some jumbarellas.
25:01We needed to sign it off about 40 minutes ago
25:05to guarantee the jumbarellas arriving.
25:08How much are the jumbarellas?
25:09These are the big umbrellas, yeah?
25:10Yeah, three enormous umbrellas to cover the entire deck.
25:13Yeah. Approximately 40,000 pounds.
25:17Including electrics, lighting, future-proofing,
25:21ready for three-phase if we ever get it.
25:23We have spoken to Alan about it, but not installation.
25:26Sorry. Just saying words.
25:2940,000 for three umbrellas?
25:31Yeah. They're massive.
25:3240,000 pounds for three umbrellas?
25:35Yep.
25:36If you didn't cover the terrace and it was raining,
25:39no-one could eat there.
25:40No, no, I'm well aware that we need umbrellas.
25:41I know that, but I really genuinely believe that's nuts.
25:46What we were trying to avoid was having...
25:49Because we could cover that deck a lot more cheaply
25:52with more of a parasol-type situation.
25:54Yeah. But given the size of the deck,
25:57we would need probably 50.
26:00So it would sort of just look like a sea of umbrellas.
26:02Plus, the table's probably that shape.
26:05The brolly's round in the middle.
26:07Yeah. Lovely bit of sun, no frolls.
26:08So Sue's getting soaking wet.
26:09I'm okay. Rachel's in.
26:11You're wet.
26:11Yeah.
26:12End up.
26:13How have I reached this point in life?
26:15Have you come round to the brollies now you've said it?
26:17No, I just cannot believe I'm 64,
26:20and somebody's just said to me, in all seriousness,
26:22oh, by the way, the umbrellas are 40,000.
26:25What a fucking golf GTI for that.
26:27Did you sort of hope that the purchase of the pub
26:30might be the big one?
26:31I just thought I'd put a new bar in and open it up.
26:34That's probably the one thing you don't really need.
26:35That bar's fine.
26:38We haven't told you how much the furniture is yet.
26:40Yeah.
26:41Lisa saw some lovely stuff.
26:43Yeah, and how much?
26:4640,000.
26:47Yeah.
26:47Okay, where are we on the umbrellas?
26:54You're gonna have to give me an hour to think about it.
26:57Okay, fine.
26:58With the budget being blown to smithereens,
27:03I went outside to have a catch-up with Alan.
27:08This is amazing, this stuff, isn't it?
27:09It's brilliant, isn't it?
27:10And you try it, look.
27:12You really can't fall over, can you?
27:14No. Well, unless you're pissed.
27:18Right, do you want the good news or the bad?
27:19I know it's a beautiful view.
27:22What?
27:22It's fucking gone up double, ain't it?
27:26What has?
27:26This over double, because of that.
27:30What?
27:31Yeah, I'm sorry.
27:31Are you kidding?
27:33No, I'm not kidding.
27:36It's gonna be over 40,000 now from the 20.
27:40But we've got no option.
27:41They said anti-slip decking.
27:43We cannot do it without this kind of stuff, look.
27:45And that adds 20,000 pounds?
27:47Yeah, it's gonna add about 16,
27:50plus the labour's extra, plus everything's extra.
27:52The blades, you can't cut it.
27:53I have to keep buying blades.
27:55Right, well, okay, that settles this umbrella debate.
27:58Yeah, we ain't having them, not that.
28:00No, but hold on a minute.
28:01You know those sails that you get going on?
28:02Yes, yeah, yeah.
28:04Buildings.
28:06If you ran them from between, I'll show you, actually.
28:10If you ran the sails,
28:12if you mounted them between the top of the door
28:16and the drain pipe, if you put a slope on them...
28:20No, I'd go up.
28:21And I'd put a pole here.
28:22You can go up, then go again.
28:24To be honest, they've just put a sort of tent of the rooms
28:27and I'd put the three horseshoes in the village.
28:29We've got to get them here and have a look, haven't we?
28:31See what they can do.
28:32Yeah.
28:35Clearly, the notion of opening the pub for £25,000
28:38had been massively wide of the mark.
28:43But there was no time to dwell on that,
28:45because in my new role as human ping-pong ball,
28:49I had to bounce back to the farm,
28:52but we'd just had a new crop of piglets.
28:57Holy shit!
28:59How'd she get them all?
29:00An army of them.
29:01One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
29:07and then one under there, ten.
29:08And no casualties.
29:10Wow.
29:12Look at the way they just climb all over.
29:13Oh, my God, that's so cute.
29:14She's a great mum, though, isn't she?
29:16I can't believe this is tremendous news.
29:18Then we went over to see Richard Hamm,
29:22because Dilwin the vet had come up with a new plan
29:25for looking after him.
29:28So here's the situation.
29:30Richard Hamm is now old enough to start having a go on his sister,
29:33so we have to put him back in the boy pen.
29:35Good.
29:36Now, ah, but Dilwin says if we put him straight in the boy pen,
29:39they'll beat him up.
29:40They might even kill him.
29:41Oh.
29:42So he said the only way around that is to build a little pen,
29:45which I've done here,
29:46and then for company, give him the smallest boy,
29:51and Richard Hamm and his friend can live together in here,
29:53and they bond.
29:54Then after a week, you can release them,
29:56and hopefully all will be well.
29:57Okay.
29:58All right, Richard.
29:59There's Richard Hamm.
30:00Perfect.
30:01Oh, well done, Kay.
30:06So now, Hamm is in there, okay?
30:08Let's just see.
30:10He'll be fine.
30:11Yeah, so these two will become friends.
30:13Then after a week, we put them back in here,
30:16and that one will protect Richard Hamm from being beaten up.
30:19The thing about Richard Hamm is he's such a cheerful little fellow.
30:22I know.
30:23He hasn't started riding a motorcycle yet,
30:24or having fights in pubs.
30:25I love his little molecule.
30:27But he will.
30:29They seem to be perfectly happy.
30:31That one looks like a nice-natured pig.
30:34Uh...
30:35Oh!
30:36Oh!
30:37Oh, what's...
30:37Problem?
30:39Richard!
30:41He's just standing there.
30:42It's his brother.
30:44It's his brother, and he's supposed to be in there to make Richard safe.
30:49Oh, my God.
30:49I've never seen that before.
30:53Deliverance was wrong.
30:55Piggies don't squeal.
30:58He just finished up.
31:00Okay, look, Jeremy, I think he's going to get gang-raped if he stays with any of the boys.
31:04Well, he can't go with the girls.
31:06Well, at least he's not going to get pregnant.
31:08Well, we haven't really cured anything here.
31:10No, no, we're going to have to call Dylan.
31:11What are you going to say?
31:12I'm going to say, what shall I do?
31:14There's a thing, yo.
31:15Have you ever heard of a Fremartin?
31:17No.
31:18You ever heard of a Fremartin?
31:19Basically, if a cow has twins in it, and gives birth to one boy, one girl,
31:24the girl comes out not knowing what sex it is.
31:28Now, what I'm saying is that little boy there moved his tail to one side thinking it was a girl.
31:33So I wonder if it could actually be trans.
31:37Well, we've got trans pigs.
31:41This is like being in a Labour Party executive committee meeting now.
31:44It's a thing.
31:45Can we be farmers just for a minute?
31:47He's got a point.
31:48I am being a farmer.
31:49This is what happened.
31:50I always wanted to work on a farm, yeah?
31:51As Professor Cooper chunted on,
31:53Richard Hamm made another Houdini move and escaped into the main pen with all these brothers and cousins.
32:02So, I got on the phone with Dilwin.
32:06So, Richard Hamm, I did as you suggested.
32:09I built a little pen in the corner of the boy pen for him, got another boar, put it in there,
32:14then put Richard Hamm in with that boy, and within a minute, the other boar brutally raped him.
32:21Right.
32:22I think, basically, they were just being adolescent boys, aren't they, really?
32:27And they're just, uh...
32:28No, no, well, no, Dilwin, I don't know how things were in Wales, but in Yorkshire,
32:33I never thought... At no point did it cross my mind.
32:37And now Richard Hamm was now with all the other boars.
32:40And is he getting beaten up over there?
32:42No, not... not yet, but...
32:45The way that I would do it with him, wait and see what happens now is with a big group,
32:49because if he's okay with a big group, that's your problem sorted, really.
32:52All right.
32:53Thanks, mate.
32:54Cheers.
32:54Bye.
32:55Bye.
32:55Bye.
32:59Fortunately, my next animal job was much more
33:03straightforward because it involved the goats, who, for the last few weeks,
33:09had been in their training pasture, getting used to their high-tech invisible fence.
33:15Right. Here's the pasture, okay. This is where they are. There you go, look.
33:21That's Elon's death ray is keeping them where we want them to be.
33:27Right, come on, goats.
33:28Are you ready?
33:29I'm ready.
33:29I'm ready.
33:31Now they were fully compliant, though, I could release them to do the job I'd bought
33:35them for in the first place, which was to clear the brambles in all the inaccessible parts of the farm.
33:46It turns out goats are really good on a hill.
33:49That's kind of the point.
33:52So this is it. Now we're on operation clear, where we would never ever be able to fence.
33:57Look at that in there.
33:58They're ravenous, aren't they?
33:59That's just goat paradise.
34:04How much of the area have they got here, then?
34:05Well...
34:06Look at the app.
34:07Have you got... Have you got...
34:07I don't have the app.
34:08I've got it.
34:10It's only...
34:10It's a great app, isn't it?
34:11It's a bit less than an acre.
34:12Well, a hectare, rather.
34:14Yeah, no, because you want them to just graze certain areas down and then move them through.
34:19So it's like mob grazing.
34:23But this is what we got them for, is to nail these brambles.
34:26And within, what, five minutes, that bramble bush is really in trouble.
34:32That's fantastic.
34:33Apart from making the new cows fatter, there were no more immediate animal management demands.
34:49So I turned my attention back to the windmill, where I'd had a brainwave.
34:55It's only about 10 to 15 mil out of square.
34:58In order to highlight my pub's connection to farming, I would hang an old tractor from the ceiling.
35:08First, though, I wanted to get it modified.
35:12Okay, I've got the tractor, and now I need to get it chromed and lightened.
35:17And I always think when you've got a job like that, you're better off giving it to a little man in the village.
35:23So I've come to a village hundreds and hundreds of miles from civilization,
35:29where there's a very little man who's going to do the work for me.
35:35There he is.
35:38Mate!
35:39Hello!
35:40Welcome.
35:41This is... this is it?
35:43Yeah.
35:44That's a 35.
35:45I know it is.
35:46That's a really nice tractor.
35:48This is, of course, where you look.
35:50It's called modern, isn't it?
35:51It's a fine thing.
35:52People coming out here going, look at this.
35:54Look at this, that internal combustion.
35:56We have worse than this turn up.
35:57Now, look, you're...
35:58We have worse than this turn up for restoration.
36:00We're not Welsh.
36:02It is Wales.
36:02It's not Wales.
36:03I crossed the M5 about four hours ago.
36:07The M5 isn't the boundary between...
36:08It is the border.
36:09It isn't.
36:09It is...
36:10It's not Welsh people on one side of the M5 and English with bows and arrows on the other.
36:14Well, it is, because I'm...
36:15Once we'd sorted out several hundred years of politics and geography,
36:20we got back to my tractor.
36:22So we've got to get it down to under 750 kilograms, right?
36:26I'll pull the roof down.
36:28If we take all the internals out, everything, prop shafts, everything...
36:32And then chrome the bonnet and the wheel arches...
36:37Which bits do you want to chrome?
36:38The red bits.
36:39Oh, right.
36:41So you don't want to chrome all these bits?
36:42No.
36:43I think that should be hammerite.
36:46Black.
36:46Well, you know that...
36:47What's...
36:48Is it hammerite?
36:49Hammerite is a type of...
36:50It's your world, this.
36:51It is.
36:52I'm just going to know it.
36:53This is so weird.
36:54That's your world now and that's my world now.
36:58No, you've got to get this done before panto season starts.
37:00Does that mean the customer...
37:03So when are you off to Swindon?
37:05I'm not going to...
37:06I'm not.
37:07You are.
37:13You know you're in the show.
37:14In what way?
37:15Oh, in a big way.
37:16Well, how could I be in it?
37:17And you haven't...
37:18I haven't done anything in it.
37:19No, you have, but you just don't know you have.
37:22Your contribution is immense.
37:25I've got to be honest with you, immense and in some ways not dignified.
37:31Right.
37:32Once the tractor was off, the conversation turned to my least
37:36favourite topic.
37:38Right.
37:38Do you want to talk prices and budget?
37:40It's filthy money.
37:42On that pub, everything costs too much money.
37:45Good.
37:46Good.
37:46Well, we can keep up with that.
37:47No.
37:48I mean, are we talking hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands or millions?
37:51Tens, thousands.
37:53Tens?
37:53Probably up to about 20.
37:55No, but 20 what to chrome it?
37:58What?
37:59Yeah, strip it all down, take all the gubbins out from the inside.
38:01That'll have to be machined.
38:02I could have done it.
38:0420,000 pounds to paint a tractor.
38:06Well, the point is, as your bank balance is taking a bit of a beating,
38:11let's keep it going.
38:12Why give up?
38:13Then it'll have time to strengthen like that,
38:16and then it'll be resistant and it'll be harder to get anything out of it.
38:19Whereas now it's floppy and weak and wounded.
38:21Be sensible, otherwise I will be on the front row at the Wyvern.
38:27I'm not doing that.
38:28And I will be making observations about your performance as buttons.
38:31I'm not doing panto.
38:32How much is the paint?
38:33The paint's got to be at least a three grand litre.
38:37A litre?
38:38A litre for chrome paint, yeah.
38:39Why didn't you tell me before I set off that it was going to be more than the GDP of most European countries?
38:46Because then you might not have come.
38:47I wouldn't have come.
38:47Now you have, and you've brought the tractor.
38:49So basically you've lowered your plums into my vice, and I've nipped it up a little bit,
38:55and now...
38:56If I was a...
38:57If this was a normal farmer coming, then you wouldn't be saying 20,000 pounds.
39:01Well, what normal farmer would chrome his tractor, Eve Pillock?
39:05It's not really.
39:10Since we were now only five weeks from opening, I was forced to agree to buttons' terms.
39:18On the good news front, though, Sue and Rachel had found me a chef.
39:23So it looked when he walked in...
39:24His name was Nick, and like them, he had vast experience of getting pubs up and running.
39:33How many pubs have you opened, restaurants?
39:35Ten.
39:36So you've got a place in Stratford?
39:37Yeah.
39:38But you can come and help us get this one going.
39:40Oh, yeah, 100%. The place in Stratford runs...
39:43It runs with just me overseeing.
39:45At the moment...
39:46Worryingly, Nick then pointed out that getting my pub open
39:50would be harder than any of the others he'd done in the past.
39:54What fills me with living dread is...
39:58The initial conversation I had with you is you have 17 cows,
40:01you want to sell them in the pub. It's how we sell those cows.
40:05What?
40:06We can't sell them at all of their constituent parts.
40:10Why can't we just...
40:10No.
40:12If you're going to serve 300, 350 people here in one day,
40:17we can't hold 20 portions...
40:18So you can't do beef heart.
40:2020 portions of shin of beef, 20 portions.
40:22We end up with a menu of 100 dishes, which is, like, completely unachievable.
40:27So on a regular rolling basis, we need to be serving one cut from a cow.
40:32Now, what are you doing with the rest of the cow?
40:33So... Oh, God, oh, fucking much. This is complicated.
40:37So if we bring a cow... If we slaughter a cow, take it to the butchers...
40:40Well, what I'd want is parts of that cow in large quantities
40:44for a finite period of time.
40:46For one week, we'd be serving rump steaks.
40:48So for that week, all I want are rump steaks.
40:50The following week, we can change the menu, we can switch,
40:53we can move on to a sort of slow-cooked feather-bladed beef.
40:56But again, all I want for a week is the feather-blade cut.
41:00The kitchen operation has to be simple.
41:03People need to be served reasonably quickly,
41:05both for their own enjoyment, but also for your business.
41:08To turn... You feed people, you turn the table.
41:11This has really worried me now, because I thought,
41:14if we got 50 farmers around the country, we said,
41:17we'll take your beef. Yeah.
41:18We'd have enough to feed 50,000 people.
41:21Mm. But what we're actually doing is only taking one thing.
41:26I mean, at the farm shop with the burger van there,
41:28we just mince everything. Yeah.
41:30Fillet, the whole lot goes in there.
41:32Which is not commercially viable in a pub.
41:35Nobody who owns a pub anywhere is mincing a fillet.
41:38It's commercial suicide.
41:41And then, but what actually do you do with the rest of the cow?
41:44Exactly. Well, that...
41:46To a certain extent, that's not my problem, that's your problem.
41:49Because this is your idea of how to run the business.
41:54Ah, but it's my idea based on absolutely no knowledge whatsoever.
41:59It's becoming clear that the concept of serving
42:02the nose to tail of your cows in this pub does not work.
42:10So, two weeks earlier, Sue and Rachel had given me a big problem.
42:15Do you know we're going to put the shop in here?
42:18What?
42:19Lisa's shop.
42:20We need that area. We've got so much to store.
42:23And now Nick had handed me one that was even bigger.
42:30I urgently needed to sort these things out, but I didn't have time.
42:37Because I had to get back to the farm to weigh the cows.
42:40This is the weigh scales, then.
42:42Let me set it up.
42:43To make sure their new diet was making them fatter.
42:47Start a session.
42:48Look.
42:49What's the ideal slaughter weight for them?
42:52Uh, roughly between about 650.
42:54Okay.
42:55Here we go.
42:57Go on, then.
43:00What's the air tug?
43:01105 386.
43:05And that one weighs 468.
43:08He's lost weight.
43:10Hey.
43:11As the weighing went on, I realized this wasn't a one-off.
43:16What was the weight?
43:17462.
43:18He's lost two kilograms.
43:20Fucking hell.
43:22Go on.
43:25472 kg.
43:27Right, that's lost four kilograms.
43:30Mine, why are they losing weight?
43:34There we go.
43:35490.
43:36That's only put on one kg.
43:3915 days, it's put on one kilogram.
43:41Oh, shit in hell.
43:43Minus seven.
43:44Minus 14 there, look.
43:49Come.
43:50And nobody's going to be eating these anytime soon, is it?
43:53No, that's not good.
43:56What are we going to do with you?
44:02They've worked out that if they get fat, they go off to market.
44:07So they've given themselves bulimia.
44:12Shit.
44:12It turned out that shit actually was the issue,
44:18because Dilwin said their new superfood was giving them diarrhea.
44:23You're giving them too much high-powered food,
44:26and it's just basically going straight through them.
44:28So it's like me having a vindaloo, really.
44:31What you're feeding them isn't doing any good,
44:33because it came straight out the backside.
44:34Then, with the harvest looming, we went on a crop walk.
44:42And that was a disaster as well.
44:45Oh, my God.
44:47Is that a slug?
44:47Oh, shit.
44:48No.
44:49That's not good.
44:50That is not good.
44:51You've got ergot in your wheat.
44:54That is a hallucinogenic fungus growing in the wheat.
44:58Oh, for fuck's sake.
45:00Bravely, I left Caleb and Charlie to deal with the LSD in our wheat and our bulimic cows,
45:09and went back to the pub to sit in the sunshine with a glass of thinking juice
45:16to sort out the problems there.
45:26And eventually, I had a brainwave.
45:30Tent!
45:37What was needed was an urgent call to the Grand Tour's Mr. Willman.
45:42I call him Reg.
45:43Don't ask why.
45:44Hello?
45:45Reg.
45:45Yeah?
45:46Er, you know the Grand Tour tent?
45:52Yeah.
45:52Do you know where it is?
45:56It's in a warehouse. I mean, yes, it's tucked away in a warehouse. I mean, we can't get rid of it.
46:02But with the vast Grand Tour tent erected on the pub's lawn, we'd not only have somewhere for Lisa's shop,
46:12but also space for a butcher's and Annie's burger van, so I could sell the cuts of meat not needed in the pub's kitchen.
46:20And then transfer it to there and there, all in the same operation.
46:24Yeah.
46:24So when a cow comes here, all of this is used.
46:28This is the right direction, definitely.
46:30What I'm saying?
46:30Yeah.
46:31That is good, yes.
46:32The Grand Tour tent.
46:49That's a shitload of tent.
46:52Fuckin' hell.
46:53Is that the whole thing?
46:55Now there's another light for you.
46:57What?
46:57Woo-hoo!
47:00Right, Kate, come in.
47:02Now, just four weeks before opening, we were finally back on track.
47:22Check it out!
47:26Here we go.
47:27We're off.
47:28How do you feel about an antler chandelier in the carberry room?
47:32How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:33How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:34How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:35How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:36How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:37How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:38How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:39How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:40How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:41How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:42How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:43How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:44How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:45How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:46How do you feel about an antler chandelier?
47:47We'll see you next time.