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00:00It was now the middle of May.
00:30And although everything appeared to be wonderful at Diddly Squat Farm, my dream of buying a pub
00:38and getting it open by the August bank holiday was slipping away.
00:46My office looked like the war room from Winston Churchill's bunker.
00:53But instead of Nazi tank divisions, my walls were plastered with photographs of local hostelries
00:59that were up for sale.
01:01There's something wrong with all of them.
01:06There's The Quiet Woman, not really a pub, it's not really what I want.
01:11The boxing hair is slightly too small.
01:13Merrymouth is slightly too big.
01:15Where else are we?
01:16Duke at Clifton's got access problems.
01:19And another pub that isn't quite as good as the windmill.
01:24But would I spend what is a very considerable amount of money on a dogging site?
01:32I said, come on families, come and enjoy this farm fresh food.
01:36Excuse that couple in the Austen Maestro there.
01:39It's so annoying.
01:41If we could get West Oxford District Council to lose the picnic site, declassify it, that's
01:49perfect.
01:50But it's West Oxford District Council.
01:57Reluctantly, I asked Charlie to find more options.
02:05And spent the next couple of days doing farmering jobs.
02:17What you're saying is because the bonnet is electric and the handbrake is electric,
02:33there has to be a secondary battery.
02:35Yes.
02:36And that's what went wrong.
02:37That's what went wrong.
02:38Most of the chores were pretty routine.
02:42But at this time of year, there's always one I really look forward to.
02:57Today is the day.
03:00Cows, you're going out.
03:02It's been winter, winter, winter, winter, winter, winter, winter, winter, summer.
03:06I know, amazing.
03:07No spring.
03:08Miss spring.
03:09Summer.
03:10Go on then.
03:11Get in.
03:12Get on.
03:13Today is freedom day.
03:17Look how beautiful everything looks.
03:19I know.
03:20It's perfect.
03:21It just makes me happy to live in England again.
03:23Look at that.
03:24Look at this.
03:26What's interesting is Caleb was saying, if we don't get them out there like now, these cows,
03:32this grass will be too long for them.
03:35Which I can't understand at all.
03:37But that grass could be too long.
03:40G-Dog!
03:43Always nice to see the G-Dog out and about.
03:46Right, are we ready?
03:47Sure am.
03:49Right, cows.
03:51Come on, be excited.
03:53It makes me happy when you're excited.
03:55Here.
03:56You're out.
03:57You're out.
03:58Look at that.
04:00Oh.
04:01Beautiful.
04:03That sound.
04:04Listen, listen.
04:12Well, they may not have danced and run around, but that's quite satisfying.
04:18Back at the yard...
04:20Straight.
04:21Straight.
04:22Whoa!
04:23...I asked Caleb to explain the grass issue.
04:26Because I still don't understand why they won't eat long grass.
04:29They...
04:30It's basically sheep like it like this.
04:31This...
04:32Yeah.
04:33Cows like it like this so they can get their tongue round it and pull it out and get the
04:35most nutrition out of it.
04:36Yeah.
04:37If it gets to here, the plant, nutrition is down here.
04:40The top is bulking to get the seed.
04:42And there's no nutrition in that, really.
04:43And the cow knows that makes sense.
04:45That is...
04:46Honestly, they're properly into it.
04:49Hey!
04:50Hey!
04:51Hey!
04:52With the last of the cows freed...
04:55And there they are.
05:00We moved on to releasing the goats.
05:06Who first needed a bit of a lecture.
05:10And what we're going to do, instead of using an electric fence to keep you in,
05:14we're going to fit each of you with an electrical collar.
05:18And then, if you go near the end of the boundary I've prescribed,
05:22you will receive an audible warning that you are approaching the boundary.
05:27And if you continue to persist with your escape attempts,
05:30you will receive an electric shock.
05:33So I suggest when you get your audible warning,
05:35you turn round and head back into the area that I have prescribed.
05:40Are you with me?
05:45That went well.
05:51Whoa!
05:53Now, stand still.
05:55Have you managed to get one on yet?
05:57Yeah!
05:59Don't eat my shirt.
06:00Don't eat my shirt.
06:03With the collars fitted, we headed off to the goat field.
06:06And on the way, I gave Lisa a TED talk about how they worked.
06:12They detect a satellite.
06:14Yeah.
06:15And then I tell the satellite where their field is.
06:18And if they stray outside those boundaries, they get an...
06:21Oh, shit.
06:23That's the tree that's been planted.
06:26Right where I need to go.
06:29Fucking hell.
06:31What tree?
06:32Do you know Jill?
06:33Oh, yes.
06:35Okay, just to explain.
06:36There's one of our neighbors.
06:38Two lovely flat-coat lads.
06:40She's lovely, lovely.
06:41And she had two lovely Labradors.
06:42And she was in a mobility scooter.
06:44And she came up and down the footpath every day,
06:46I don't know, four times a day.
06:48And one of her dogs died.
06:49And she said, would it be okay if I buried it in...
06:52...on your farm?
06:53So, because it loved it then.
06:54And I said, yes.
06:55And she's wanted to plant a tree, but she has done...
06:59...exactly in...
07:04That's not really bad.
07:05The goats are going to eat the tree.
07:07They're going to eat the tree.
07:11Jesus, Jeremy.
07:14Bollocks.
07:16They teach you maths and science and algebra at school.
07:21But they don't teach you what to do when somebody has buried their dog on your farm...
07:26...and you need to move the dog's gravestone.
07:32Hmm.
07:36Right now, though, I needed all my brain power to make the goat collars work.
07:41Because I had to download an app that allowed the solar-powered collars to speak to the satellite.
07:48And then draw up the lines of their invisible perimeter fence.
07:53We're going to put the satellite line across there, yeah?
07:56Yeah.
07:57And just as I finished battling through all that, Lizzie the goat lady arrived.
08:02Hi, Lizzie.
08:03Hiya, how are you?
08:04Have you heard of these fences?
08:05I've heard of them.
08:06I've not actually been able to use them before, so it would be really interesting to see how it goes.
08:09Do you not use them?
08:11No, no.
08:12We need a guinea pig, which is what you guys do.
08:13Yes, exactly.
08:14I am interested in...
08:16Because I don't believe in apps and I don't believe in satellites.
08:19Yeah.
08:20We'll soon find out what it does, I guess.
08:21Yeah.
08:22You know what they're like?
08:23They're so inquisitive.
08:24Curious, yeah.
08:25They don't stay still for long.
08:26There we go, look.
08:27There you go.
08:29That must be beeping now.
08:30Can you hear it?
08:31There you go.
08:32Yeah.
08:34That sound is going to drive me nuts.
08:36It's like a really creepy ice cream machine with a clown driving it.
08:41Well, hang on.
08:42Hang on.
08:43He hasn't been shocked.
08:44There we go.
08:45Yeah, he has.
08:46And he's come back.
08:47Didn't like it.
08:48No way.
08:49No way.
08:50No way.
08:52With the goats now safely hemmed in by Elon Musk, and the cows dining on fresh, sweet grass,
09:00I felt happy about our morning's work.
09:04But the mood then soured.
09:09Because I received a call from the merchant of doom, saying he needed an urgent meeting.
09:16We have some pretty significant news.
09:20Here we go.
09:22The windmill, you know, after we met the other day, Neil and I had a chat.
09:26So Neil just...
09:27This is Neil Warner, the planning advisor that we have.
09:30Neil then phoned West Oxford District Council.
09:34They said we could get rid of that agreement that allows people to come and picnic there.
09:41Yeah.
09:43West Oxford District Council.
09:44Yeah.
09:45Have said we can get rid of the picnic, sir.
09:47Have said they're happy to get rid of the agreement.
09:49Yeah.
09:52I know.
09:53Do they know it's me?
09:54Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:55They said...
09:56In fact, they were quite funny.
09:57They said, we don't want to meet him.
09:58What do you want?
09:59Well, just on the...
10:00In a phone call, they just went...
10:01So they are drafting the paperwork.
10:03What?
10:04I know.
10:05It's amazing, isn't it?
10:06West...
10:07And we've had four years of them saying no to everything.
10:11And now we ask for something that's actually quite contentious.
10:14And they go, yeah, that's fine.
10:16I mean...
10:17I mean, I know it's a dogging sign.
10:19It's quite renowned, isn't it?
10:20Even within West Oxfordshire.
10:22So they're very happy to...
10:24Fucking hell.
10:26So we can go ahead and buy that now.
10:28Yeah.
10:29Charlie, this is fantastic news.
10:31It is really positive.
10:32Now I think...
10:33You know I was concerned that you were buying this...
10:36The windmill, the pub.
10:38There's lots of...
10:39We would have had to have put in public lavatories.
10:41Public lavatories.
10:42With holes drilled already in the cubicles for the gentleman.
10:45I wouldn't have advised that.
10:47Oh, man.
10:48I said to Lisa, when we were letting the cows out this morning,
10:51I said, I just know today's going to be a good day,
10:55but at no point did I think it would be this good.
10:58That's good.
10:59I mean...
11:00That is...
11:03Honestly, I'm...
11:04I'm just...
11:05I'm staggered.
11:08Leaving Charlie to get on with the pub paperwork,
11:13I turned my attention back to the soil,
11:16because with my new Lambo now running smoothly,
11:20I could have yet another crack at my most jinxed crop.
11:25So now, for the third time, I'm going to attempt to drill this infernal GS4,
11:31which, as I've mentioned in the past, is, um...
11:35Well, it can be used to feed sheeps and cows,
11:39but is mainly used to put nitrogen into the soil.
11:43At the GS4 field, I met up with the farm manager,
11:49so that we, well, he, could activate the mended sat-nav.
11:55That is your button to engage your GPS.
12:00Yeah.
12:01Okay?
12:02But for now, we're going to go into this little, little one here.
12:04Client's name, Clarkson's Farm.
12:06Me?
12:07I've made you a little bit of...
12:08Yes, did you squat!
12:09Field name, Taylors, that's wrong.
12:10Yeah, it is wrong.
12:11So, click it.
12:12I have to tell it what field I'm in.
12:15Yes.
12:16Does it know what shape this field is?
12:17Not at the moment, no,
12:18because we haven't done the outside.
12:19We haven't drilled it once.
12:20But then it'll learn.
12:21Yeah, it'll learn.
12:22So, if we come back next year and drill it again,
12:23it'll go, oh, I know where I am.
12:24Yeah.
12:25Ooh!
12:26Yeah.
12:27So, what we've got to do is drop your drill down.
12:32Right, yeah.
12:33So, this is now self-steering.
12:35Yeah.
12:36Just drive forward, hit that one, yeah.
12:37Ready?
12:38And when that button goes wide, press it any minute now,
12:41and then hit that one.
12:43Ooh!
12:44Why is it suddenly has blown off?
12:45Why are we going a million?
12:49Why is it going so far?
12:51What have you done?
12:52Hit...
12:53Hit that little red button.
12:54What red button?
12:55Get off the steering wheel.
12:56Don't touch the steering wheel.
12:57One fucking button.
13:00Oh, fuck.
13:04Why is it going at 150 miles an hour?
13:06No, no!
13:07Stop the tractor!
13:09Stop!
13:10What the fuck?
13:12What the fuck is that all about?
13:14It was terrifying.
13:15I was scared as hell.
13:17I'm in your cab.
13:18This is why, you know these people buy Teslas,
13:21and then drive down the motorway watching a movie,
13:24and then they wonder why they crash?
13:25They crash.
13:26Modern technology doesn't work.
13:30I then realized that actually it was me that didn't work,
13:34because I still have the cruise control set at 31 miles an hour
13:39from the road journey up here.
13:43Let's go to 12.
13:4412.
13:45So we just pretend that didn't happen,
13:47and go back over there and do it again?
13:49Yeah.
13:52Steering engage, and now it will steer for you.
13:55I'm not going to a straight line of it.
13:56Yeah, but look, it's steering you.
13:57Look, it's doing it.
13:58It's not.
13:59The steering wheel isn't moving.
14:00It is.
14:01No, the steering wheel don't move,
14:02but it controls it down in the axle.
14:03What?
14:04What?
14:05So the steering wheel is no longer connected?
14:07Here it is.
14:08It just steers it down in the axle down there.
14:11Bloody hell, that's clever.
14:14Three, two, one.
14:15Lift it up.
14:17There we go.
14:18Well done.
14:19Turn yourself around until your tractor is lined with that line there.
14:22Okay, drop your drill down.
14:27Right, drive forward.
14:30Don't touch the steering wheel at all.
14:32Gently drive forward,
14:33and when that button goes white, press it.
14:35Any minute.
14:36Now, watch the steering wheel.
14:38Oh, my God, look, it's gone on the next line.
14:40And it will match up dead straight
14:42without even using the eerie wigs,
14:44that you call them.
14:45So I can literally just sit here like this,
14:50and I know I'm going over.
14:52Look at that.
14:53Yeah, as long as you remember that my tractor's just there,
14:54don't hit it.
14:55Yeah.
14:58Trolley arrived just as Caleb decided I was ready to fly solo.
15:03Hello, friend.
15:05System engaged.
15:07There you go.
15:08That is steering it.
15:10Right, I think I've got the hang of this.
15:12No more comedy errors at Diddley Squat.
15:18You'll have to watch Countryfile now if you want to laugh.
15:21Ha-ha!
15:25For really proud.
15:26It's a proud moment, isn't it?
15:27What if it grows?
15:30For the answer to that,
15:31we'd have to wait a few more weeks.
15:34So I turned my attention to a problem that needed sorting out
15:41in the next few days.
15:44As it now seemed likely I'd get the pub,
15:46I needed to increase my meat supply,
15:49which meant buying a bull.
15:52And now we're seeing...
15:53And we're seeing Ben Wilson.
15:54Ben.
15:55On that front,
15:56I'd had rather a good idea.
15:59I want to take our pedigree shorthorn cows
16:04and mate them with a bigger bull
16:07so that we get a bigger animal
16:09and therefore more meat to sell in the restaurant.
16:12That's my thinking.
16:14Yeah.
16:15Here's the thing.
16:16We've got a very expensive herd.
16:17Yeah.
16:18They are Mercedes Benz of cows.
16:20They're very nice.
16:21They're not.
16:22They're very nice.
16:23Okay.
16:24They're lovely.
16:25But I couldn't tell the difference
16:26between pedigree beef...
16:28Yeah.
16:29...and not pedigree beef.
16:30Yeah.
16:31I agree with that.
16:32What we've got to do
16:33is try and produce something that...
16:35I want good home-grown local meat.
16:39It doesn't necessarily have to come from a Mercedes cow.
16:42I'm thinking like a Keir cow.
16:46Keir cow's good.
16:47Keirs are good cars.
16:48I mean, there's nothing wrong with them.
16:51As we arrived at the bull farm,
16:53I asked a question that I probably should have thought of earlier.
16:58Can I just ask, how much is a bull?
17:01Here?
17:02Four or five thousand pounds?
17:03No.
17:04Yeah.
17:05You've come to the most expensive...
17:07You know, you want to create a Keir cow.
17:09We've come to the Bentley garage to get one.
17:13So what we're doing is we're crossing a Bentley with a Mercedes.
17:17To get a Keir.
17:18The bull farmer, Oliver Reed, showed us the young bulls that were for sale.
17:28These are anything between 18 months and two-year-old.
17:31These are now ready, so...
17:32These are ready for...
17:33Have one of these?
17:34Yeah.
17:35But before we got down to business, he showed me what my purchase would look like when fully grown.
17:44Holy shit!
17:46Jesus!
17:49That is a unit.
17:53He's just over 1,200 kilos.
17:55So he's about one tonne, and then he's got a quarter of a tonne of nutsack.
18:03And is he quite docile?
18:04Oh, yeah, he's quite, yeah.
18:06I'm not sure I'd say who are you looking at to him.
18:10Do you want to lead him round?
18:12Do you want to walk him?
18:16Okay.
18:17But, I mean, the thing is, he weighs a tonne and a half.
18:19It's like pulling an oil tanker.
18:22Don't snort like that.
18:24Yeah, I hate the Spanish as well, don't worry.
18:27I've never been to a bullfight, as I said.
18:30God's truth, you're big.
18:34You're so big!
18:37Wow.
18:39It's like being in the presence of greatness.
18:42Even you're standing slightly gobsmacked, aren't you?
18:45I'm...
18:46I mean, standing in front of him, he's absolutely enormous.
18:50And also magnificent.
18:52He's, yeah.
18:53Right.
18:54Take him back to his parking space.
18:56We then went back to the youngsters to choose one to buy.
19:03Are you wanting one for breeding females or one for breeding beef?
19:06Beef?
19:07Beefs.
19:09Which one, that one?
19:10Endgame, yeah.
19:11Endgame?
19:12Yeah.
19:13He's not as heavy, but he's wider.
19:14He's got...
19:15He's the same right through.
19:16So he's the widest one.
19:17And he's younger.
19:18He's one of the youngest ones in the pen as well, so...
19:21Oh, he's great.
19:22How much is Endgame?
19:24Six and a half.
19:26You said that it wouldn't be that much.
19:28I did say it wouldn't be that much.
19:31What number did you say?
19:32I said about 30% less than that.
19:37Oh.
19:39This is good.
19:40We're trying to get money out of a Scotsman.
19:42We're taking the smallest one.
19:44Maybe.
19:45The better one, in my opinion.
19:47It'd be the best thing on the farm.
19:49Better even than my new tractor.
19:51What changed your new tractor?
19:53Lambo.
19:54Oh.
19:55You want to go for a fence?
19:57Well, Caleb's got a fence.
19:58He didn't like it.
19:59Oh.
20:01Do you know how Caleb was laughing at your fencing?
20:04The fencing you put up for your pigs?
20:06Yeah.
20:07He put gates in across the road there.
20:09He put the posts in upside down.
20:12I'm sorry to just say that again only much louder.
20:15He put gates in across the road, but he put the posts in upside down.
20:19Oh.
20:20Oh.
20:22Caleb Cooper.
20:23Mm-hmm.
20:24Came to do a job.
20:25Yeah.
20:26In this little farm.
20:27Yep.
20:28Put the posts in upside down.
20:31The great thing is, we all know that.
20:35And I'm gonna keep that in my pocket.
20:37Yep.
20:38And one day, when he's least expecting it, I'm gonna bring it out of my pocket.
20:45What I don't want is to pay for any errors by other people.
20:49No, I'm going to lean over this fence and you two, because I'm not very good at this.
20:53I get in a muddle when I'm negotiating.
20:55Wait, wait, wait.
20:56Ugh.
20:59So, um, so what do you think?
21:01Five?
21:04I know that six, six and a half thousand pounds is a ridiculously large amount of money for a brontosaurus,
21:10but he will be a conveyor belt.
21:13He will produce burgers and steaks and joints of beef, you know, for years.
21:22Minimum five and a half, six, I'd say.
21:28That's a lot of beef you've got to sell.
21:30Five?
21:31I'll tell you what I'll do.
21:32I'll do them for five and a half, if I can get some space penises and bee juice.
21:38I will.
21:39You're done.
21:40I was...
21:43We'd got five in it, but you've...
21:44Oh, so have I come to...
21:47Shit, I've balanced the negotiation.
21:48I've just shook on...
21:49Were you still negotiating?
21:50Five and a half.
21:51I was still going.
21:52Oh, it wasn't working anyway.
21:55But you're delivering?
21:56Yeah.
21:57You're delivering?
21:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:59You're coming to diddly squat, endgame.
22:02I am so excited.
22:04Good.
22:05Having bought an enormous animal, I went back to the farm to see one of our smallest.
22:17And explained to Lisa my plan for improving the quality of his life.
22:23I had to put Richard Hamm in with the girls, because he was being bullied something rotten with the boys.
22:29So I put him with the girls.
22:31Yeah.
22:32They do seem to be nicer to him.
22:33Well, aren't they his sisters and cousins? Aren't they going to be very, very nice to him?
22:36Some of them are, yeah.
22:37He is a very, very sweet pig.
22:39He's so dinky.
22:40Richard Hamm.
22:43Richard Hamm.
22:44This is called targeted pig feeding.
22:46Ready?
22:47No, he can't...
22:48No, no.
22:49Watch, watch.
22:50Come on, Richard Hamm.
22:51No, he's missed everyone.
22:52He's behind you.
22:53No, he has.
22:54Every single one.
22:56He nearly got one.
22:58No, there's one right under him.
22:59No, he's just trodden on it.
23:01Oh, Richard Hamm.
23:02Look, he hasn't had one single morsel.
23:09Yes.
23:10I think he got one.
23:11Oh, no.
23:12She's attacking him.
23:13They are mean too.
23:15Food is food, huh?
23:16Targeted feeding is quite difficult.
23:23Determined not to be defeated, I returned the next day.
23:29I don't see Richard.
23:30Richard, having come up with a more ambitious solution.
23:39Right.
23:41Richard Hamm.
23:42Look what I have brought you.
23:43The government...
23:45The British government allows you to eat this, Richard Hamm.
23:48Here.
23:51Richard Hamm.
23:53Richard Hamm.
23:55Come on, you're never gonna get big if you don't eat food.
23:57What's about a juicy carrot?
24:01What do you think of this, Richard?
24:03Yes.
24:04Richard.
24:14I build him a pen...
24:16...where he's protected from his bigger bullying sisters and...
24:21...cousins, and it's full of tasty morsels and he escapes.
24:25Richard.
24:27Richard, look, a carrot.
24:28I'm gonna throw it to you.
24:29There you are.
24:31And your sisters have eaten it.
24:34Richard.
24:36Would you like a potato?
24:40Come on, Richard, please.
24:43You're even more annoying than your namesake.
24:45Operation Feed Richard Hamm would clearly need more thought.
24:56But that would have to wait.
25:07Because the next morning we all had to assemble for the arrival of my new bull.
25:12Ready, Lisa?
25:16Oh!
25:18You've got a black beauty there.
25:20Here he comes.
25:23Horse, honey.
25:25Look.
25:27He's quite small.
25:29He is a baby.
25:31He's a baby?
25:33I didn't know.
25:34What's his name?
25:35Endgame.
25:36What are we gonna call him for short?
25:37Endgame.
25:39Hello, Endgame.
25:41I mean, it's sort of front on.
25:42He just looks amazing, doesn't he?
25:48On the farm front, everything was ticking along fairly well.
25:55Endgame would have a few settling in days in the shed before we released him into the cow field.
26:02And even though the weather had been a nightmare, we had managed to plant all the crops.
26:12And there was another diddly-squat project bubbling along nicely.
26:16Lisa's new range of perfumes and scents.
26:19That is nice.
26:23That really suits you.
26:25Oh, I like that.
26:26Be careful now.
26:27Is it for girls or men?
26:28It's amidextrous.
26:30What?
26:31Amidextrous.
26:32You mean unisex?
26:33You can't use that sex word anymore, can you?
26:34You can.
26:35Ambidextrous means left or right-handed.
26:38Amidextrous says...
26:40Unisex means you can identify as whatever the bloody hell you like and you wear it.
26:44I don't...
26:45You can't have...
26:46Ambidextrous doesn't mean that.
26:47You may as well write cauliflower on it.
26:49And also, can I just ask, how many diddly-squat ingredients have you got in here?
26:53Oh, loads.
26:54No, come on, be honest.
26:55How many?
26:56Loads.
26:57Look.
26:58Look.
26:59All of these here.
27:00Right.
27:01Vanilla, we don't do.
27:02No.
27:03Bergamot, we don't do either.
27:05Orange oil sweet.
27:06You don't do.
27:07Okay, I'll just show you the ones we don't do.
27:08Everything else is really good.
27:09Lavender?
27:10The following day, I was supposed to help Caleb send another batch of pigs off to the abattoir.
27:19Come on, boss, man.
27:20Come on, pig.
27:21Come on, piggy.
27:22But instead, Lisa had me back on perfume duty.
27:25I don't know, where's the nozzle?
27:28This time, testing out a brand new prototype she'd called wet.
27:33Hold on.
27:34It's beautiful when she put it on.
27:35Oh.
27:36It's the first spray.
27:37That's horrible.
27:38It's not.
27:39It's just the first spray, but it shouldn't be like that.
27:41Well, what's gone wrong?
27:42I don't know.
27:43That smells exactly the same as the tank in my Range Rover.
27:46Or add blue.
27:47Well, steady on.
27:48That's not right.
27:49All right, Kay.
27:50Morning.
27:51Hey, have you managed to load those two?
27:53Is the one that's not lame gone?
27:55Yeah, so the two boys have gone.
27:57The one that was lame.
27:58And then the ten girls.
28:00So ten girls, two boys.
28:02There you all went.
28:03Brilliant.
28:04Um, so there's 13 in total.
28:06I found a pig up at the top in the quarry.
28:09You didn't take my pig.
28:10Eh?
28:11That's pig Millie.
28:12No, that's my pet pig.
28:13I mean, you said there was pig Millie.
28:14You didn't take pig Millie.
28:15I thought pig Millie was still down there.
28:16Well, she was really sweet.
28:18Well, she's on the trail now.
28:22To be honest, we are running a farm here, not a petting zoo.
28:25I just wanted her to eat, and the others wouldn't let her eat.
28:28Oh, she was fat by the time she went, don't worry.
28:30It's okay.
28:31No, I'm on Caleb's side on this one, I'm sorry.
28:33I know, that's why I didn't say anything.
28:34Because he would have just taken her to Marcus.
28:36Dogs, be quiet!
28:38Oh, that's my horn.
28:39What horn?
28:40Oh, my deer horns you asked for.
28:42I've sourced them.
28:43What?
28:44Deer horns?
28:45Yes.
28:46I've not asked for any deer horns.
28:50Whether I had or not, moments later, there they were.
28:55I didn't ask for deer horns.
28:57We were talking about things we can use from the farm.
29:00You said you only want things from the farm and the shop.
29:02Fallow deer, from the farm.
29:04And that come from the farm?
29:05Well, no, this one doesn't.
29:06But, not that particular fallow deer, but aren't they beautiful?
29:11Has it come from within 16 miles?
29:14Oh, it's been very close to 16 miles in its day.
29:19Aren't they gorgeous?
29:20And look.
29:21It looks like a moose horn.
29:22No, it's fallow deer.
29:23Yeah, that is a caribou.
29:24Yes.
29:25Look.
29:26It's 16 miles in Canada.
29:28Don't get to our feet.
29:29Right, so we've got antlers, and you've got to go back to the drawing board slightly on your
29:36wet, I think.
29:37Does it smell bad?
29:38It really smells of ethanol.
29:39Ethanol.
29:40It settles down.
29:41Once you have it on, it settles down.
29:42Yeah, but nobody's in a shop that people will go in.
29:44Oh, fuck.
29:45Yeah, something's gone wrong with that.
29:46Yeah, wrong, right?
29:47Yes.
29:50Whilst I'd been buying bulls, feeding Richard Ham and testing perfumes, such is the life
29:56of a farmer, the surveyors had been looking at the pub.
30:02And soon, Charlie arrived with their report.
30:05We've got the full survey back, because that's only half of it.
30:08What?
30:09Yep.
30:12It's quite, yeah.
30:14It's quite full on.
30:15How close are we now, do you think, to buying it?
30:18Hopefully, we're going to exchange at the end of the week.
30:21Hours.
30:22Hours.
30:23They're 48 hours away.
30:24Yep.
30:25And now, suddenly, I've got this New Testament.
30:28Oh, yes.
30:29What have they suddenly found?
30:30They've come up with the fact that the roof is a liability, and they've put £150,000
30:39on that to repair it.
30:42£150,000?
30:44Yep.
30:45We need to spend on the roof?
30:46Well, I think we just...
30:48Is your happiness hoover on?
30:50Well...
30:51There's an issue, potentially, with the loos, depending on how many people we have.
30:56Which they...
30:57So, what do they say we need to do with the lavatories?
31:00Reposition them, sorted out.
31:02They think that's up to £100,000.
31:05What?
31:06For a lavatory?
31:07Well, it's going to be like one of those Japanese lavatories that wipes your bottom for you.
31:12Nah.
31:15It's more...
31:16Asbestos.
31:17Yeah, blah, blah, blah.
31:18Fire hazard.
31:20Wood is a fire hazard.
31:21Wood is a fire hazard.
31:22No, I won't have that.
31:24The Equality Act.
31:25There we go.
31:26The Equality Act.
31:27I knew you'd pick up on that one.
31:29There is currently no designated accessible parking spaces at the property.
31:36Designated for whom?
31:38I think what they mean is for disabled parking spaces.
31:42Oh, I thought it was...
31:43Equality was race.
31:44Equality is everything, isn't it?
31:45Oh, is it?
31:46I don't know.
31:47Yeah.
31:48Can we cut to the chase?
31:49So, they're saying £100,000 for the lavatories and £150,000 for the roof.
31:53All surveys are bollocks.
31:56Because they all say this house is falling down.
31:59Well, this one didn't.
32:01This pub is falling down.
32:03And will definitely fall down in ten minutes.
32:04Because then, if it does fall down in ten minutes, you can't sue them.
32:17This is just them covering their arses.
32:20So, this can really just put this in the bed.
32:23I'll just put it in a file.
32:25I've got a file, then.
32:26Right.
32:27I must get on.
32:28Thanks, Charlie.
32:31Having dealt with that meeting with my usual attention to detail,
32:35I checked in on Alan, who was busy cladding my new barn in handsome Cotswold stone.
32:43All right.
32:44Good to see you.
32:45Doing all right?
32:46Yeah, that's looking brilliant.
32:47And I took the opportunity to ask him about something that had always puzzled me.
32:53So, you look on, when you build a big wall, a long wall like this.
32:56Yeah.
32:57The big stones, now they're called jumpers, yeah?
33:00Yes.
33:01And I always say to you, that's lovely jumpers.
33:04But I don't know what they're for.
33:06What it is is, right, say we're coming along here with twos, twos and twos.
33:11Put a jumper in, then you can put a four and a three, the other side of it.
33:15So, three twos are sixes, so you can use two threes to make six.
33:18But if you put a jumper in, you can change course.
33:21If I'm running, let's say I'm running a six inch,
33:23and I want to put an eight inch to the other side,
33:25you've got something in the middle, so you can break it.
33:27And it bounces us up, so...
33:29Yeah.
33:30You can't do that with a loin, can we?
33:33What?
33:35With the jumper function fully explained,
33:40I asked Caleb and Charlie to help me load Endgame
33:43so he could go off to meet his new lady friends.
33:50There, that is exactly right.
33:53Ready?
33:55For them to say that's exactly right.
33:56Can you come back a bit?
33:57Oh, fuck.
34:02Okay, that's good.
34:07Bull control.
34:10Gandalf is coming back out.
34:11Do you want to hold the gate? Do you want to hold that?
34:13I can do this.
34:14I assumed this would be easy.
34:16And it was.
34:18Yeah?
34:19Come on, Endgame.
34:24Whoa!
34:25Whoa!
34:26Ah!
34:28Yeah.
34:33Oh, fuck that!
34:34No, no.
34:36I'm now shitting myself.
34:40I think we need some...
34:42Yeah, that's...
34:43I don't want him to do that again.
34:45Because I've never been to a bullfight and I never want to go to one.
34:54We're going to have to let him calm down for a minute.
34:56Jesus Christ, that is a big animal.
35:01Anyway, you won't need danger pay.
35:05Because when he starts doing that...
35:06I see him.
35:08Wow.
35:10And he's only a baby.
35:13Ten minutes later, when he had indeed calmed down...
35:17Good lad. Walk on. Walk on.
35:18Walk on.
35:19We finally enticed him into the trailer.
35:22Go on, Endgame.
35:23Good boy.
35:24Good boy.
35:28And then, down at the field where the girl cows lived,
35:32with the film crew bravely positioned on the other side of the fence,
35:37we prepared to let him out.
35:43I think he's...
35:44What if he's gay?
35:45He's young, isn't he?
35:46What if he's gay?
35:47He might be.
35:48We'll love him just the same.
35:49Yes, I know, but I won't because he's cost us £6,000.
35:52If he's gay...
35:54Do you get gay cows?
35:56Yeah.
35:58We'll get £8,000 worth of beef burger out of him.
36:01Ready?
36:02Yep.
36:03Here he comes.
36:05Come on, Endgame.
36:08He's gone the wrong way.
36:12Endgame.
36:13It's a pretty good reaction, isn't it?
36:15No, no, it's a hopeless reaction.
36:16I know.
36:17He's just calm.
36:18Seven ladies.
36:19They're not even bothered.
36:20They're not.
36:23Oh, hello.
36:24Now he's real on to freedom!
36:26He's free.
36:27He likes that.
36:28Look at the girls.
36:29Oh, hello, look.
36:30They've spotted him.
36:31They've all turned round.
36:32They've spotted him.
36:33Oh, look, he's off.
36:34Oh, look at that.
36:35What a noise.
36:41Oh, they're chasing him.
36:42Yep.
36:47Nope.
36:48Why are they chasing him?
36:49Come on here.
36:50Come on here.
36:51Come on here.
36:52Come on here.
36:53Everybody knows sex is needed, but they don't know how to have it.
36:58He is a bit like a teenager, though, isn't he?
37:01Because he is a young guy.
37:02Well, they all are.
37:03So they are running around like a debutante's ball.
37:07Come on, endgame.
37:09Let's have a look at you in action.
37:11Oh, no.
37:12Wrong way round.
37:13Wrong way round.
37:16Why did a cow mount the bull?
37:18Wrong way round again.
37:19Wrong...
37:20She might be in heat, look.
37:21She might be in heat.
37:22Yeah.
37:23Well, she's the one that's trying to mount him.
37:25Mm.
37:27Is that hashtag me too, this?
37:29It is, isn't it, a bit?
37:32What is me too?
37:33You know what that is.
37:35No, I don't.
37:36Hashtag me too.
37:38Please tell me you've heard of that.
37:42It's like a porn site or something?
37:43No.
37:44No, it's kind of the opposite.
37:45It's the exact opposite of that.
37:47I don't understand you.
37:48I don't know if I'm even talking.
37:50Because I don't...
37:51Oh!
37:52It's the wrong way again.
37:59That night, I didn't sleep.
38:02I was worried about the pub.
38:06So the next morning,
38:07before signing on the dotted line,
38:09I decided I should talk to various mates
38:12who'd bought pubs in the past
38:14to make sure I wasn't making a big mistake.
38:19Morning, is that you?
38:21And I started with a chap
38:22who's been a dear friend for decades.
38:26So have you got any advice?
38:28People steal stuff from pubs.
38:29Every publican will tell you.
38:31They'll nick the salt and pepper pots.
38:32They'll nick knives and forks.
38:34They might even nick plates.
38:36They'll nick any art they can rip off the walls.
38:40Obviously, drink driving is an issue.
38:42And that's...
38:43In the countryside.
38:44In the countryside.
38:45And that's why you want to kind of...
38:46in some central hub somewhere,
38:48where there's just a mass of people
38:50so they can walk home
38:51or they can easily get taxis home.
38:52No, it's nowhere near any building of any sort.
38:56The nearest village is five miles away.
38:58Right.
38:59Maybe, if you're lucky,
39:01maybe they'll relax the drink driving laws.
39:03But you look at it,
39:04and it looks like you're making 50 grand a week.
39:06And then it transpires you're losing 10 grand a week.
39:09And then the staffing issue...
39:10Well, you know, staffing...
39:12It's so tricky nowadays
39:13because people just don't want to work
39:14for those kind of hours.
39:15It's hard work.
39:16Normally, they're kind of almost overseas labourers.
39:18So, again, as long as Brexit doesn't go through,
39:20you're going to be fine as well.
39:22Energy costs, staff costs,
39:26ingredients costs,
39:28building maintenance costs,
39:29insurance costs,
39:31accountancy costs,
39:33lawn-keeping costs,
39:36re-thatching costs in my case,
39:38re-gravelling costs,
39:40mending the car pot costs,
39:42hiring the staff costs...
39:48The next day,
39:49after this avalanche of naysaying about pub ownership,
39:53I made a big decision.
39:55You know what this flower is?
40:01It's mine.
40:03This tree?
40:05Mine.
40:09That plant pot?
40:10Mine.
40:12That pub?
40:15It's mine.
40:18These are the keys.
40:21I bought it.
40:25The reason I was so happy is that now I have the pub,
40:30I could put the farmers' cooperative back together.
40:40And this time, it would be bigger.
40:42And better.
40:43Instead of buying what we need to operate the pub from butchers and wine merchants and wholesalers,
40:53we buy everything from the field to benefit the farmer rather than the wholesalers.
40:57Yeah.
40:58That would be good.
40:59Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:00And British-grown stuff.
41:01We could import everything from the four corners of the planet but we're not going to do that.
41:05We're not having coffee and we're not having Coca-Cola.
41:07If it's not grown and made in Britain, we're not selling it and that's just an end of it.
41:10If we get into a system of like, for example, you supply January, Feb, you supply, you know, May, do you see what I mean?
41:17Yeah.
41:18So you do the lorry and the asparagus.
41:19Yeah.
41:20You do the sheeps and the turkeys.
41:21Turkeys, yeah.
41:22Cream, milk.
41:23Yeah.
41:24Pigs.
41:25Pigs.
41:26You can do beef and lambs, can't you?
41:27Yeah.
41:28Potatoes, soft fruit, strawberries, raspberries, red carrots, black carrots, blackberries, asparagus, artichokes.
41:33Rhubarb?
41:34We do a bit of rhubarb.
41:35Beef, lamb, geese, turkeys.
41:37What about tomatoes?
41:38We do tomatoes, yeah.
41:39You do tomatoes?
41:40Yeah.
41:41Did I do your baling last year?
41:42You did, yeah.
41:43Yeah.
41:44I haven't been paid for that yet.
41:45Haven't you?
41:46No.
41:49Well, I think this is looking good.
41:50Finally, we can actually put this together.
41:52We've actually got someone.
42:08Let's do it.
42:10Let's go, Mel.
42:12Go -"Holy 지금까지".
42:14Careful again.
42:16Hello.
42:17My bad.
42:18There's a lot of cheddar cheese.
42:22Let's go, Mel.
42:24See you later.
42:25That's me.
42:26Can we see you later?
42:27The big old cheddar cheese.
42:28How much is it?
42:29I can show you later.
42:30Here's a lot of cheddar cheese.
42:31How many good?
42:32How many of thetı.
42:33How many does that?
42:34The comedy of the fooled.
42:35We'll see you next time.
43:05You