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Best Movie Series of All Time
  • 6/26/2025

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Transcript
00:00.
00:16Daaa! Ha-ha!
00:19Check it out!
00:21It's a Lamborghini again!
00:23Clearly, Caleb needed some convincing,
00:30so I hit him with a couple of numbers.
00:337.8 litres horsepower.
00:37340 horsepower.
00:41Holy shit!
00:42Not 270 in the old Lamborghini.
00:45370.
00:47It was ploughing the other day taught me the lesson.
00:50I was struggling with only 270 horsepower.
00:54I then followed up with the numbers that really matter.
00:58All those tractors I looked at the other day,
01:00those medium-sized tractors...
01:01Yeah.
01:02They were all around 120, 180, kind of on the farm.
01:06Yeah.
01:0885.
01:1085?
01:1185,000.
01:1316 plate?
01:14Yeah.
01:1585,000.
01:1685,000.
01:18Yorkshire haggling.
01:19That's a bargain.
01:21It's fucking huge!
01:23It is.
01:24Like...
01:25When you're up there, you can eyeball people
01:26in the International Space Station.
01:28They're coming past you going,
01:29all right, Jeremy, yeah, how's things?
01:31He likes my tractor!
01:36You got GPS on this?
01:37Yeah, you do.
01:38Yeah, it's GPS.
01:39Holy shit!
01:40That GPS there is worth 10 grand on its own.
01:42Let's just go.
01:44You got front suspension on that?
01:46This is going to be comfy.
01:47So you can alter your front suspension.
01:48You could have been older.
01:49Yeah, but it never really worked, does it?
01:50Not really.
01:51No, never.
01:52Never.
01:53Fucking love this tractor.
01:54It's nice, isn't it?
01:55Yeah.
01:56More than that, I was hoping that with its extra power,
02:09it'd be the answer to our prayers
02:11and we'd be able to get the Durham Wheatfield ploughed
02:14and planted before Charlie's deadline.
02:17Come back a little bit more.
02:26You gotta get over that way.
02:28The next day, however, when we put it to work...
02:31Whoa!
02:32...we did encounter a problem with the layout of the cab.
02:37Every single control in here is different to my old tractor.
02:44Whoa, whoa, whoa!
02:45For fuck's sake.
02:47You have to float here.
02:51Um...
02:52I don't know what that is.
02:54I don't know what that is.
02:57I don't know what they do.
03:02Oh.
03:04I don't know.
03:05You're literally useless.
03:07When you float it, it releases the pressure out of that pipe
03:10into your tank.
03:11Got it?
03:12Yeah.
03:13I don't know which...
03:14Still don't know which button it is.
03:17No, no, wait, wait!
03:21Oh, shit in hell.
03:24It's just...
03:25What's it just fallen off?
03:30The plough has now fallen over completely to one side.
03:33I don't know if it's bent something or broke something.
03:35Who knows?
03:39Are you going to rescue the situation?
03:41I went off to get the telehandler.
03:44Don't damage the furrows.
03:45No, I'm not good.
03:47Pull your boom in.
03:48Pull your boom in.
03:49Go closer to the machine.
03:53Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
03:54No, stop!
03:55No, stop!
03:59It won't lift it like that.
04:00It's too heavy.
04:02You're beeping at me.
04:05What have I pushed?
04:07No, no, what you've done is the machine is now in the safety mode.
04:10We're saying to you, look, we're locking you out of everything
04:12because your back wheels are off the floor.
04:14So what you've basically done this morning, you've woke up,
04:16you've come and helped me on the farm,
04:17you've fucked one machine and got it into that position,
04:19and then you've got the telehandler now stuck in the yard again
04:22in the air, so therefore it's going, safety feature, no.
04:30Eventually, using farmyard physics, Caleb partially solved the problem.
04:37Well, now it can't fall.
04:38Right.
04:40And then, after taking charge of the Lambo's controls,
04:45the plough is upright.
04:47Basically, where we should have been two hours ago.
04:54We then headed off to the field
04:56where we needed to plant our Durham pasta wheat
04:59as quickly as possible.
05:03Pick up where we left off last time, which was here.
05:08And crossed our fingers in the hope
05:10that my new Lambo would have enough oomph
05:13to plough the wet soil.
05:17Give it some.
05:26Jesus, it's got some power.
05:28Oh, yeah.
05:29Fucking hell.
05:32I mean, the old Lambo was really struggling.
05:34This is like cruising.
05:37Really moly.
05:40That's unbelievable.
05:45That five-tonne plough on the back.
05:46I can barely feel it.
05:49Pulling it uphill.
05:51Uphill on a field that has been rained on solidly for six months.
05:54Caleb then followed behind using a power harrow
05:59to make the ploughed field, ready for planting.
06:06We'll have this field ploughed in an hour.
06:12Then we put the Durham wheat in it using my new marker system.
06:18Mish bash, boss.
06:20Pasta on its way.
06:22I know one of the things you're marked for in ploughing competitions
06:26is the straightness of your lines.
06:30I'd probably get a one for this.
06:36Maybe a nothing.
06:38Maybe a nothing.
06:43My ploughing may not have been very good.
06:47But the local wildlife didn't seem to mind.
06:51Look at the red kites, there's loads of them.
07:09There's an absolute squadron of red kites now.
07:12Look at this.
07:13Wow.
07:20I've never seen so many.
07:33So nice to be farmering again in blue skies.
07:38An hour or so later, we were indeed ready to start phase two.
07:47That, to me, looks good.
07:50That looks like the sort of thing you'd plant seeds into.
07:57To do the planting, we would use the old Lambo,
08:00which I'd fitted with my new and improved paint marker system.
08:04Here's your tank of white paint, okay?
08:08Yeah.
08:09And there's your battery.
08:10And you've got two pumps, left and right.
08:12Okay?
08:13Yeah.
08:14This pumps paint down that tube all the way to the end of the marker.
08:20Wait till I advertise this in Farmers Weekly.
08:23Even Sir Sugar or whatever he is, Lord Sugar,
08:25he'll be looking at this going,
08:26Why did I waste my time with Amstrad?
08:27I should have done this.
08:29You are aware this has already been invented?
08:31Did you say you invented this?
08:32It hasn't been invented.
08:33It has.
08:34What do you mean it's been invented?
08:35There's a phone marker.
08:36Instead of paint, it just foams.
08:37So it leaves a mark of foam.
08:39There's a company that's invented it already.
08:41Well, it's been invented again now.
08:45As it happened, the resident cynic
08:48was soon eating his words.
08:52His invention's working.
08:55Look at this.
08:59And not just for, like, five feet, but forever.
09:02Look, look.
09:04Oh, I am so thrilled.
09:06So, we got the Durham wheat planted.
09:13And then there was more good news.
09:21Because I'd finally found a pub.
09:25It's literally on the A40.
09:27So, traffic-wise,
09:28we're not going to be causing any problems at all.
09:30Okay.
09:32Before putting in an offer, though,
09:34I thought I'd better get Lisa's approval.
09:37It's quite a lot more than the coach and horses was going to be.
09:40But I think you'll agree there's a lot more to it.
09:45Well, that won't be difficult, will it?
09:47Yeah, I mean, there's a few things I wouldn't mind changing round.
09:49But you could go in here and start operating tomorrow.
09:53Whoa.
09:54So, that saves a lot of time.
09:56Definitely.
09:57And a lot of money.
09:58Yes.
09:59Anyway, I've managed to negotiate price.
10:02We're just doing all, you know, the legal searches
10:04and all the things you have to do before you buy a property.
10:07So, that's all happening.
10:08But I just wanted you to see it, obviously, before I sign on the dotted line.
10:13Good idea.
10:14Yes.
10:15Look.
10:16Windmill restaurant.
10:17Oh, wow.
10:19Literally on the A40.
10:20It is literally on the A40.
10:22So, you get your own roundabout.
10:26And then, here's the drive.
10:29It's like arriving at Balmoral.
10:31Look.
10:32Haven't done that recently.
10:33You drive through the woods.
10:35Lovely old trees.
10:36This is the drive.
10:37This is all car parking.
10:39Wow.
10:42And there it is.
10:43Ta-da!
10:47Beautiful stone building.
10:48Yep.
10:49Isn't that amazing?
10:50Look at that.
10:52And now, behold the view that it has.
10:55That is extraordinary.
10:57That's so pretty.
11:02The land goes, all that scrubland in there is part of it.
11:05Yeah.
11:06So, all that, all of this.
11:08Beautiful.
11:09And those are all our woods, or will be.
11:11Wow.
11:13Inside, Lisa continued to be impressed.
11:22Oh, sweet, holy mother of Jesus.
11:27I think our quest is at an end, isn't it?
11:30Whoa.
11:32This is so lovely.
11:33Every single pub we've looked at, you bang your heads when you go to the laboratory.
11:38Even Andy Cato could walk around in there and not hit his head.
11:41You could swing 25,000 cuts in here.
11:43I know.
11:44This is huge.
11:45Dining area's huge.
11:47This is completely perfect for what we want to do.
11:50It doesn't look that big from the outside.
11:53Hey, I'm nowhere near finished.
11:55Oh my God, it goes on.
11:58Whoa, it's like a big gallery.
11:59Look at these original.
12:02Yeah.
12:04Those are the original oak beams.
12:05Amazing.
12:07I mean, look, it even has a therapist's couch.
12:10Just, you know, if you're having a bad day.
12:11Well, I'd call it a chaise log.
12:13It's just stunning.
12:15Whoa.
12:16And these are proper old flagstones.
12:17It's 15th century.
12:20Will you show me the kitchens, please?
12:23It's fairly sizeable, again.
12:25All relatively new equipment.
12:27Yes, it is.
12:29Back kitchen, good.
12:30Back kitchen.
12:31Yep.
12:32So there's dishwashers.
12:33I mean, the kid's not that monkey.
12:36It's like all less than five years old.
12:38Extraordinary.
12:39No, everything, it's all included in the price.
12:42The extraction system, that is, that's very expensive.
12:46Look at you.
12:47You've actually done a thing.
12:48I know, I am actually quite proud of this.
12:49I know.
12:50Well, we have looked at 500 bucks.
12:51I know.
12:53Back outside, there was another treat in store for Lisa.
12:57Look, back here, there's outbuildings.
12:59Shop could go there.
13:00That looks like it has my name on it.
13:02I really can't see anything wrong with it.
13:05There must be a catch, Jeremy.
13:06I can't find one.
13:07I mean, the lawyers are looking, but I can't find one.
13:11I like it, Jeremy.
13:12Don't fuck it up.
13:16With Lisa's cheerful encouragement ringing in my ears,
13:19we went back to the farm.
13:21And later that day, we went to check on the pigs
13:24who'd suddenly decided to vandalize all the trees.
13:29Look.
13:31Look at the damage they're doing.
13:33Look at this.
13:34How the fuck have they done this?
13:35This is, look, fresh.
13:37What are we going to do about this?
13:39That's really devastated.
13:41Oh, look, you can feel all the sap.
13:42That's dead.
13:43All the sap is just going to collide.
13:44That tree's toast.
13:46Gerald's going to be so upset.
13:47I know, Gerald planted all these trees 60 years ago.
13:51I've just seen down here.
13:53Ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined, ruined.
13:57We didn't think about that, did we?
13:58No, we have to rethink this woodland pig structure.
14:01Fear.
14:03Oh, these are the boys?
14:04Yeah.
14:06Look, all the little saplings coming up.
14:07He's just getting one now.
14:09To be honest, the boys aren't doing half as much damage as the girls.
14:12It's like girls' lavatories.
14:14They're always more vandalised than boys' lavatories.
14:16How do you know?
14:18Well, in my mind they are.
14:19If you state a fact like that, it is a fact.
14:23We then reach the piglet enclosure.
14:25Here they come.
14:26They've got so big!
14:27And almost immediately we spotted a problem.
14:31Hang on.
14:33Look.
14:34Jesus Christ.
14:35That's so tiny!
14:36Really tiny.
14:38Oh, look!
14:40That is the cutest little thing.
14:42But I'm not sure...
14:43Look at him.
14:44Look.
14:45There he is.
14:46I know.
14:47Look at his little ears.
14:48What shall we call it?
14:49Richard.
14:51Ham.
14:53Is it a boy?
14:54Richard Ham.
14:55It's little.
14:56The mini one.
14:57I think we...
14:58Look, he's trying desperately to fit in.
14:59I can come along here.
15:00He doesn't...
15:01I can cope.
15:02I can keep up.
15:03Here we go.
15:04He's trying to sneak in.
15:05You know, I might have a bit of food since I'm here.
15:07Here we go.
15:08Nobody's looking.
15:09Nobody's looking.
15:10No, I'm not bothered, Ashley.
15:11I'm not hungry.
15:12No, I wanted to go over here.
15:14It's so sweet, though.
15:16Here comes Richard Ham.
15:19No, because he's now going.
15:20Don't do this.
15:21They're all going to think I'm little.
15:22Oh.
15:27Look how feisty he's become.
15:30That is Richard Ham, if you spill his pint.
15:38All levity aside, though, we were worried that if he didn't grow, he'd be bullied.
15:44We have to be realistic.
15:46The others are all growing at the correct rates.
15:48That one, you know, if he stays that small, he's going to get rejected.
15:55Let's see how he goes for another...
15:56Yeah.
15:57How much longer are these here?
15:58Oh, we've got them a while.
15:59So we can see how he grows up.
16:01Yeah.
16:03Sansa.
16:05Sansa.
16:06Look how obedient she is when she's on her own.
16:08Ready?
16:09Watch this.
16:10Good dog.
16:11Good dog.
16:12Sit.
16:13Sit.
16:15Stay.
16:23Stay.
16:24Stay.
16:25Hang on.
16:26I'm just in the middle of a very important...
16:27Sit.
16:28Stay.
16:30Come here.
16:32And heel.
16:33Oh!
16:36Bah!
16:37That was right in.
16:38Do you want to lie down?
16:39Ooh!
16:40You know the pain when it goes...
16:41You won't, but it goes right up.
16:42Yeah, that happens every time we have a period.
16:43And we cope with it.
16:44Oh!
16:45Oh!
16:46Oh!
16:47Oh!
16:48While my plums were convalescing...
16:53It happens every time we have a period, and we cope with it.
16:56Oh!
17:02While my plums were convalescing...
17:05Sunshine came softly through my...
17:09The month of May arrived.
17:12Could have tripped out easy, but I've...
17:16I've changed my way.
17:19It'll take time, I know it, but in a while...
17:26And that meant it was time for Caleb and I to see if the GS4
17:30had finally started to grow.
17:33Cause I've made my mind up, you're going to be mine...
17:40Realistically, if it has failed, and Charlie's pretty convinced it has...
17:45Yeah, I'm pretty sure this has failed, my friend, unfortunately.
17:48Annoyingly, this meant I'd have to buy more seed and plant it all over again.
17:53But there was one upside.
17:56Hey, if I've got to drill it again, I can use my new sat-nav.
18:00Yeah?
18:01Cause that means you don't need markers, do you?
18:03No.
18:04The Lambo sat-nav would steer me in perfectly straight lines up and down the field.
18:09And obviously the combination of my motoring knowledge and Caleb's farming brain meant we'd have it all set up in a jiffy.
18:18Right.
18:19Right, there you go.
18:20Sat-nav.
18:21Speed and position.
18:22Yeah.
18:23Click that.
18:24Er...
18:29Enable.
18:30Why is it not...?
18:32It's not enabling.
18:33No.
18:34Master switch disabled.
18:36Everything's disabled.
18:37And it won't enable?
18:38Is there anyone we can ring up?
18:39Hello?
18:40Hi, mate, it's Caleb.
18:41I'm just trying to set this GPS system up.
18:44Everything's saying disabled.
18:45Right at the very top of the screen, there's some little symbols on the screen.
18:47Yeah.
18:48Right at the very top, right at the very top.
18:49That's a good job we're not fighting pilots.
18:50Green dark...
18:51Yeah, that's us.
18:52Yeah, got it.
18:53Easy steer alarm.
18:54Activate the switch.
18:55Which switch?
18:56Is it a button or the rocker switch?
18:57Just press it down quickly.
18:58Hold that button.
18:59Hold, hold, hold, hold, hold.
19:00So I need to push it down the other way then?
19:01Because I've got, at the moment, like, the cross thing down.
19:03The cross thing is down?
19:04Yeah.
19:05Does he mean these or this one?
19:06I don't understand what you want about towards the window down.
19:07Yeah.
19:08Does he mean these or this one?
19:09I don't understand what you want about towards the window down.
19:10Yeah.
19:11Yeah.
19:12Yeah.
19:13Yeah.
19:14Yeah.
19:15Yeah.
19:16Yeah.
19:17Yeah.
19:18Yeah.
19:19Yeah.
19:20Yeah.
19:21Yeah.
19:22There you go.
19:23You have it.
19:24Sorry mate, it's Jeremy.
19:25So I've got a blue switch.
19:26One that's got a steering wheel with a lightning bolt next to it.
19:29One's got a steering wheel with a lightning bolt and a line through.
19:31So that's the power supply to the electrical steering valve that does all the steering.
19:32What you're trying to do, you're actually turning on the electrical orbital unit underneath
19:36the screen.
19:37So when you press the auto button on the screen, you're trying to turn on the electrical orbital
19:39It's not detecting the steering controller.
19:40It's not detecting the steering controller.
19:41The average agent of a farmer is 62 years old.
19:42How the fuck do you teach them this?
19:43It's telling us to activate a switch.
19:44There must be another switch.
19:45I'm afraid there isn't.
19:46There seems to be an error.
19:47Is there an error somewhere?
19:48Yeah, yeah.
19:49Is there an error somewhere?
19:50Yeah, yeah.
19:51Right at this second in time, we're not going to do anything without somebody coming to see
19:52it.
19:53I was looking forward to it.
19:54I'm going to tell you that the auto button is not detecting the steering controller.
19:57It's not detecting the steering controller.
19:58The average agent of a farmer is 62 years old.
19:59How the fuck do you teach them this?
20:01It's telling us to activate a switch.
20:04There must be another switch.
20:07I'm afraid there isn't.
20:10There seems to be an error.
20:11Is there an error somewhere?
20:13Yeah.
20:14Right at this second in time, we're not going to do anything without somebody coming to
20:17see it.
20:18I was looking forward to doing a sat-nav.
20:20Yeah.
20:21All right then.
20:23With the sat-nav out of action, we had to go back to the olden days and deploy my paint
20:29marker.
20:30Right.
20:31Just go, Jeremy.
20:32Go.
20:33Eight miles per hour.
20:36Shit, there's only six.
20:39Oh, shit.
20:40I'm going to get the speed limiters on.
20:43What button do I push to turn the speed limiter off?
20:47What do you mean?
20:48Well, it won't let me go any faster than this.
20:51Why don't you push your joystick forward?
20:54No.
20:55Nothing.
20:56Nothing.
20:57I think this tractor is massively too complicated.
21:03I've just noticed something as well on the drill.
21:08Folks, looking for where I am now, I reckon you've got a flat tyre on that drill, my friend.
21:12It's right as a pancake.
21:13Is it?
21:14Yeah.
21:15Oh, well, I'll just go to bed and write today off and just say, okay, today never happened.
21:31Given that this wasn't a job for quick fit, I had to go back to the yard and try and get
21:38the wheel off myself.
21:40Well, you can't get a spanner in.
21:47Right.
21:48So...
21:49Oh, we can't get the handle in.
21:50The wheel's too little to get the handle in.
21:51Oh, right.
21:52Right, you little bugger.
21:53Oh, I can't do it.
21:54My neck.
21:55Ow, fuck.
21:56That's...
21:57Hang on.
21:58That's an extender thing.
21:59Hang on.
22:00That's an extender thing.
22:26Oh, fuck's sake.
22:29I fucking hate manual labour.
22:31I probably do.
22:34Oh.
22:35Is that turning?
22:40It's turning.
22:41Holy shit.
22:42How have I done that?
22:50All right.
22:51Dude!
22:52Caleb then rolled the wheel over to a tub of water
22:55to find out where the puncher was.
22:58Right, I filled the bucket.
23:00Oh, my fucking God.
23:03What?
23:04We got the bucket filled up.
23:05I wheeled it over it.
23:06It hit the bucket and split it.
23:08You're joking.
23:09What is going on today?
23:11It's today, honestly.
23:13I'm in disbelief.
23:17Honestly, it's everything today.
23:20By the time we'd found the leak, repaired the hole and got back to the field,
23:27it was well into the afternoon.
23:30But at least we could finally start planting.
23:34But I'm going.
23:36Here I go.
23:44Bloody hell was that?
23:50The handbrake on.
23:56Bloody hell have I pushed.
23:57I haven't pushed.
23:59I haven't pushed it.
24:00I haven't touched anything.
24:01What the hell is that?
24:04What's up?
24:07Oh, fuck.
24:09Shit.
24:10That sounds expensive.
24:12This is fuck.
24:13This is...
24:14Oh, no, look who's here.
24:15Oh, he hasn't seen this tractor either, has he?
24:16Oh, I thought it would be good.
24:17Oh, yeah.
24:18First time he sees it, it's going to blow up.
24:20Oh, no, I'll just tell him it's fine.
24:23All right.
24:25All right, Charlie.
24:26All right.
24:29What's this?
24:30My new tractor.
24:32Well, I say new tractor...
24:34But why have you got it?
24:35Ignore the fact that...
24:36The silver one kept breaking down,
24:38so I bought this newer one,
24:40which is much more powerful and bigger,
24:43and guess what?
24:44It's broken down.
24:46I think the gearbox has shagged on it.
24:48But...
24:50Okay.
24:51So you just went out and bought this.
24:52Oh, how many hours has it done?
24:54500.
24:553,000.
24:56I meant 3,000.
24:57But you haven't heard how much it was.
25:00300 and...
25:01Guess how much 340 horsepower cost.
25:03So you got 340 horsepower,
25:04GPS all working, et cetera.
25:06How much you reckon he paid for it?
25:08I almost don't want to enter the conversation
25:10in fear that I might justify this decision.
25:1380,000.
25:14Far too much.
25:15What?!
25:16The fact is...
25:17Well, you could have got something appropriate for that price.
25:20Come on, it looks fantastic.
25:23No, it doesn't.
25:24No, it doesn't.
25:25We're trying to run an efficient farm.
25:26Yeah, no, but please allow me to have a tractor I like.
25:30Please.
25:32Well, I don't have any choice. You bought it.
25:34Anyway, the problem is,
25:35it sounds like the rear axle's full of gravel
25:40and the engine is running on pebbles.
25:43What warranty do you get with it?
25:44Oh, there's no warranty. It's second-hand, mate.
25:46Second-hand?
25:47It's 16 plates.
25:48You can get warranty on second-hand tractors.
25:50You know that, Caleb.
25:51Yeah, I know.
25:52It didn't ask me.
25:53You got me in trouble now.
25:54You said it was a good tractor.
25:56Oh, and good for the value.
25:57I think, in terms of the one that you've got,
25:59you've got 200 horsepower.
26:00This is 340, so 80,000 pounds.
26:01You don't need 340.
26:02I agree.
26:03I'm on your side.
26:04Don't justify it.
26:05This...
26:06I'm on your side.
26:07Yes, it's a shit tractor.
26:08It's not shit.
26:09It's a Lamborghini badge on it.
26:10It's incredibly shit.
26:11And you've got to...
26:12It's not shit.
26:13It's just broken.
26:14My tractor would now be out of action until the mechanic came round.
26:29But one thing that did impress Charlie was the pub I was planning to buy.
26:35It's really cool, isn't it?
26:37And during the diddly-squat look-around, Caleb was equally smitten.
26:44This is, like, the most beautiful pub I've ever been in.
26:46You're going to rent.
26:47Knowing it should be too much.
26:49Is it upstairs?
26:51Can I go up?
26:52Yeah.
26:53This is fucking...
26:54This is amazing.
26:55It's an old wagon wheel, isn't it?
26:57Look, there he is.
26:58That's an old wagon wheel.
26:59It is a wagon wheel.
27:00See?
27:01I love a wagon wheel, and we can get some horse brasses and we're away.
27:04Can I have my dartboard over here?
27:07Remember Tom Hanks in Big?
27:09Where do you want your trampoline?
27:11That evening, in our own local, I shared my thoughts about what I wanted to do with the pub once I took possession.
27:20You know, upstairs there, yeah?
27:23I want to put a farmer's clubhouse in.
27:25Good idea.
27:26Because, you know, we came here and we met up with those farmers.
27:30You said to me, ordinarily, they would have been at home.
27:32Yeah.
27:33Or sat in the office just...
27:34Worrying, yeah.
27:36But because we all came to the pub and had a pint, you could have laughed about your problems rather than worried about them.
27:42Yeah.
27:43And that got me thinking.
27:44If we put a farmer's clubhouse in the right-hand side upstairs, and you put darts, bar billiards, and a little farmer's bar up there...
27:56Can I please be the leader of the darts team?
27:59You can be the leader of the darts team.
28:00Yes!
28:01Can I be in your darts team?
28:02No.
28:03Anyway, and the idea is, go down there, we'll give you a free pint.
28:08And you can sit and talk to other farmers about the problems.
28:11It's a great idea.
28:13Is that a good idea?
28:14Yeah.
28:15Are you allowed to give away free pints?
28:17I knew you'd say something wrong with it.
28:20I looked into it.
28:21No, you're not allowed to give away free pints.
28:23But I've longed to go to court and be charged with it.
28:26Is there a grey area around who's a farmer?
28:28Yeah.
28:29Somebody said that to me the other day.
28:31How will you know that someone's a farmer?
28:33Anyone's a bit doubtful, you go, glyphosate is what?
28:36And if they don't know...
28:37If they don't know.
28:38Anyone, I don't know that.
28:40You're not a farmer.
28:41Get out.
28:42When you say about farmers who's just a free pint of mud on their Wellington,
28:47and, you know, a penis here at the foot, you know what I mean?
28:51You should do that.
28:52That wouldn't look really smart within a week or two, would it?
28:54Young farmers, if we're going to a pub and we're going together,
28:56they've made us take our boots off outside.
28:58Really?
28:59Yeah, yeah.
29:00We should do it.
29:01And you don't mind doing it?
29:02No.
29:03We understand.
29:04Also, the carvery's coming back.
29:07That'd be good.
29:08I love a carvery.
29:09That's good.
29:10It can't be.
29:11And it's going to be a proper carvery, isn't it?
29:12From like...
29:13It used to say, apparently, outside the windmill,
29:16it used to say probably the best carvery in Oxfordshire.
29:19Probably.
29:20I mean, the turkey was nearly as fat as what he is.
29:23You know what I mean?
29:27Don't you fucking laugh.
29:30I won a T-shirt once for a 48-ouncer.
29:34Oh, we should do that.
29:35A kilo of steak.
29:36We should do that, the eating challenges.
29:38We're not doing eating challenges.
29:39Why?
29:40Is it worth having a few events like, you know,
29:41getting a health and safety person around,
29:42getting somebody who's strict?
29:43No.
29:44What?
29:45Fucking hell.
29:46Just a new, because it's...
29:47And there's the mood just gone.
29:48No, no, no.
29:49Let's not get a health and safety person.
29:50Why not?
29:51Very good.
29:52They come around, and then all of a sudden...
29:53What?
29:54I've got to say to the local farmers,
29:55come to this fun pub for a health and safety lecture.
29:56I don't want to say health, but...
29:57Or even just a topical thing.
29:58Can I do something even better?
29:59It's just an interesting topic.
30:04Back in pig world, it was now time to send another batch off to slaughter.
30:09So, on a beautiful spring morning, Caleb and I headed to the woods to round them up for the next school bus run.
30:18Hey, what did you buy hat?
30:21USS Hornet?
30:22Yeah.
30:23What is it?
30:24Apollo 11.
30:25What's that?
30:26Apollo 11.
30:27Apollo?
30:28You know what Apollo 11 is?
30:29What, a plane?
30:30No.
30:34Please tell me you know what Apollo 11 is.
30:36The band.
30:40Have you heard of Neil Armstrong?
30:42Is he an actor?
30:43No.
30:44He's the first man to walk on the moon.
30:46He went in Apollo 11.
30:48That's a spaceship.
30:49That's a spaceship, right.
30:50Yeah.
30:51And it landed back in the sea.
30:54Mm.
30:55And then they were picked up by a helicopter from the USS Hornet, which is an aircraft carrier.
31:01Right.
31:02And this was a cap that was introduced to commemorate that, them returning to Earth.
31:08Oh, okay.
31:09And Woody Harrelson gave it to me last Saturday night.
31:12Who's that?
31:13Woody Harrelson.
31:14You muck.
31:15Yeah, you do.
31:19So, do you want to put the food in there?
31:21Yeah, I'm going to try and get them in by feeding them in there.
31:23Come on then, piggies.
31:26Come on, pig bees.
31:29Piggies!
31:30Come on then.
31:31Come on, piggies.
31:32Come on, piggies.
31:33In we go.
31:34One more.
31:35Jeremy, shut the door!
31:37Shut the door!
31:38All right, Larry Grayson.
31:40Two, four, six, eight, ten, eleven.
31:43Ow!
31:44Fucking ow!
31:46Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
31:48Fuck!
31:49This tree is really irritating.
31:51Ah!
31:52Ah!
31:53Ah!
31:54Could someone please undo the...
31:56Ah!
31:57Right, we've got eleven pigs and Caleb.
32:01Oh, this is...
32:02Don't open the bottom one.
32:03Ow!
32:04For fuck's sake!
32:05Stop!
32:06Ah!
32:07Before heading off, I introduce Caleb to Richard Hamm.
32:12Richard, come out.
32:14Wondering if the size of him would bring out paternal instincts.
32:18There he is, look.
32:19Oh, no.
32:21Shit, now.
32:23Look at him.
32:24There's obviously something wrong with him.
32:26Well, look at him.
32:27He's a micro pig.
32:29I've never seen that before.
32:30You've never seen it?
32:31I've never seen like a...
32:32You've never seen one that small?
32:33No, it has not grown.
32:35Do you think he's ever going to grow?
32:37Is he just going to be...
32:38No, I think he'll stay quite small.
32:39I think he will grow a bit.
32:42Do you think he's deliberately staying small so he can't kill him?
32:45Because it is an interesting dilemma.
32:48Yeah.
32:49It's expensive to keep him,
32:51because you've got to feed him.
32:53Actually, he's eating more than the others.
32:55We're feeding him special rations.
32:57And it's really expensive to kill him.
32:59Yeah.
33:00We'd have to pay £30 for him to be slaughtered.
33:03You'd probably get four sausages.
33:04Yes, exactly.
33:06We're not keeping him.
33:07What else can't kill him?
33:09We'd have to castrate him if you want to keep him.
33:11You don't want to breed from that.
33:12No.
33:13Do you know how they do that?
33:14Have you ever seen a pig be castrated?
33:16I once worked on a farm.
33:18Got this pig.
33:19She said, Caleb, hold this pig.
33:20We're going to take the testicles out.
33:21I said, yeah, all right.
33:22So I hold the pig.
33:23They give it an anaesthetic in the back end.
33:24We left it five minutes.
33:25So I pick it back up.
33:26So I pick it back up like this.
33:28Back towards me.
33:29Barely that way.
33:30She gets a knife.
33:32She cuts two incisions.
33:33Small incisions in the testicle.
33:34You know, each sack.
33:35In the scrotum.
33:36Yeah?
33:37Yeah.
33:38Then guess what she did?
33:39I swear on my life now.
33:40No, no, no, no, no, no.
33:41Dog ate them after.
33:42Oh, my God.
33:43Back at the yard.
33:44Jess, the school run driver,
33:45was left behind the wood.
33:46There was a big one.
33:47There was a small tentacle
33:48and pulled them out of her mouth.
33:49I swear all my life.
33:59Did she spit them out?
34:00Yeah, she spat them out.
34:01She didn't swallow them.
34:02No, no, no.
34:03Dog ate them after.
34:04Oh, my God.
34:07Oh, my God.
34:10Back at the yard, Jess, the school-run driver, was already there,
34:15with her XC90 parked next to our latest building site.
34:20Now, we should explain to the ladies and gentlemen
34:22we are having to build a new barn, grain storage barn,
34:26because we've now got so many different types of wheat.
34:31Yeah, we need to keep them all separate.
34:33We used to grow wheat, barley and oilseed rape.
34:36And that's it.
34:37Now we've got Durham wheat, spelt wheat, milling wheat.
34:40Er... Spring barley.
34:42Spring barley.
34:44Given the weather, Jess wanted to get the pigs loaded up
34:47as quickly as possible.
34:50I hate reversing when there's a lorry driver there,
34:52because they look at you like there's something wrong with you.
34:55Morning.
34:56All right? How are you?
34:58Bit damp.
34:59Some will say a little bit.
35:00Anyway, why don't you look over there
35:03while I just back this trailer up?
35:06Do you want me to do it for you?
35:07No!
35:15That is some god-awful angle, isn't it?
35:18No, that's gone wrong.
35:25At what point do we help?
35:26Er... We leave him another five, ten minutes.
35:27We leave him, OK.
35:28That's fine.
35:30We just bill him for the time we stood here.
35:35Well, that's really wrong now.
35:37Ah.
35:38Yeah.
35:39Fucked it.
35:41I can't see anything.
35:42What do you mean you've got mirrors?
35:44No, but look, it's all fogged up.
35:47What's he doing?
35:48Just... just, um...
35:49He'll just... he'll do anything to drive my car.
35:58Yeah.
35:59Go on, then.
36:00Don't be good.
36:00Go on, pigs.
36:01Yeah.
36:03Bye, pigs.
36:07I'm so wet.
36:09I know, but there's just a mark of respect.
36:12I'm so wet.
36:14Why sad again?
36:20With the pigs gone and the rain still falling,
36:24I headed to the office,
36:26because the lawyer handling the purchase of the pub
36:28had sent me the result of his searches.
36:32Look at this documentation I've got.
36:36And after an hour of reading through the documents,
36:39I discovered there was an issue.
36:43It turns out that all of the garden,
36:47the lawn area and the woods,
36:49is designated by the council as a picnic site,
36:53which is sort of fine in my head,
36:55because people don't have picnics any more.
36:59But would you buy a house if you thought
37:01that the garden was designated by the council
37:03as a picnic area?
37:05Nobody's actually going to come and have a picnic there,
37:07but they could.
37:11As I dug further into the reports,
37:13this picnic issue became rather blurred and confusing.
37:17So I rang my lawyer, Richard,
37:19to see if he could clear things up.
37:21Hi, Jeremy.
37:22I keep reading in these documents
37:25that a previous owner,
37:28and I'm going back to the 90s now,
37:31talks of problems with the picnic site.
37:34Yes, that possibly is why
37:39previous owners have looked at
37:41seeking an amendment
37:43or to get the agreement released,
37:46because I think it attracted
37:48some unwanted and antisocial behaviour.
37:52What sort of unwanted and antisocial?
37:54What, hell's angels?
37:57Well, possibly that,
37:59and also some behaviours
38:00that might put you off eating your picnic.
38:02Um, is this...
38:06Hold on.
38:07Sorry, Lisa's just walked in, so...
38:09Is this in the...
38:10Is this in the...
38:11Well, there were some public lavatories there.
38:14Yes, there were some public lavatories there.
38:16So were the problems centred around
38:18activities in the public lavatories?
38:20Yes, we have happened across
38:25some quite interesting photographs
38:28which capture certain graffiti
38:33and certain goings-on.
38:39I've just found the photographs
38:40in one of these documents.
38:42So they drilled holes
38:44from cubicle to cubicle.
38:46Yeah, I don't think that was
38:49to improve ventilation, necessarily.
38:54Yeah, righty-ho.
38:57The cubicles themselves
38:58are full of graffiti
38:59strewn with pornography.
39:01And again, faeces in your right.
39:03So this is what the...
39:04This is how the picnic site
39:05was being treated.
39:06So I can now see
39:08why the previous owner
39:09applied to have
39:10the picnic site
39:12disallowed.
39:14Is that the right word,
39:14do you think?
39:15Yes, they sought
39:17to have that released.
39:19Unsuccessfully?
39:20Unsuccessfully.
39:21And that was unsuccessful?
39:23Yes.
39:24So the council said
39:25it had to be kept open
39:26as a picnic
39:27and cottaging site.
39:31I think it was
39:32as a picnic site.
39:34But they knew
39:35that this doggery
39:36was happening, yes?
39:39There was
39:39quite a lot of evidence,
39:42yes.
39:42So, in terms of
39:44black and white,
39:45it is definitely
39:46a picnic site.
39:48There's nothing
39:49we can do
39:49to stop people
39:50coming on
39:51and dogging
39:52and...
39:53Um, there isn't
39:55as such.
39:56No.
39:58OK.
40:01It was possible,
40:03of course,
40:03that these activities
40:04were no longer
40:05going on.
40:07And after Alan
40:08explained that
40:09the public lavatories
40:10had been pulled down
40:11years ago,
40:12my hopes were high.
40:15So this is where
40:16the lavatories were?
40:17Yeah, the A40 bum club
40:18that was called.
40:19Yeah, that's where
40:19it all happened.
40:21All sorts of things
40:21went on there.
40:22They had to knock it down.
40:24Sadly, though,
40:25on subsequent visits
40:26over the coming days,
40:28I kept finding evidence
40:30to the contrary.
40:31fucking hell, honestly.
40:42Ah!
40:48And on the road sign
40:50outside the pub,
40:52there was even more
40:53of a clue.
40:54I then went through
41:00the lawyer's report
41:01with Charlie,
41:02starting with the
41:03infamous public
41:04lavatories.
41:08They left
41:09gentlemen magazines
41:11lying around,
41:12wrote...
41:12This was pre-mobile
41:14telephone numbers,
41:15so they wrote
41:16their home phone numbers
41:17and addresses
41:17on the walls,
41:19saying,
41:19I'm looking for
41:19a good time,
41:20and so on and so forth.
41:21So the landowner
41:23then went back
41:24to the council,
41:25as I understand it,
41:26and said,
41:27actually,
41:28this picnic site
41:29isn't really being
41:31used as a picnic site.
41:32Can we please
41:33get rid of it?
41:34And the council
41:34said no.
41:35So the lavatories
41:37seem to have been
41:37demolished without
41:38planning permission.
41:39Because it does
41:40state that there
41:41should be provision
41:43of...
41:44Yes, so people
41:45then started going
41:46into...
41:47But that's what it says.
41:48The windmill itself.
41:49Yes.
41:50But the pub
41:51and the car park,
41:53as far as I can
41:54determine,
41:54are not part
41:55of the picnic site.
41:58So if they come here
41:59saying,
42:00please can I use
42:00your lavatories,
42:01because we'd rather
42:02spoil the ones out there,
42:03dogging and cottaging,
42:04you can say no.
42:06I don't think you can.
42:07I think there's
42:07some wording
42:08in one of the agreements
42:10that says,
42:10if the lavatories
42:11are not provided out here,
42:13the owner,
42:14operator of the restaurant
42:15must provide facilities.
42:17It's in one of the documents.
42:18very clearly.
42:21But...
42:21It's the perfect site.
42:25I can see that.
42:28And now this bloody picnic site.
42:32Of all the damn things.
42:35Eww.
42:36Why is it going so far?
42:42Why are we going a million?
42:44I want to take our cows
42:46and make them
42:46with a bigger bull.
42:48Eww.
42:49Eww.
42:50Eww.
42:50We have
42:51some pretty
42:52significant news.
42:53Here we go.
43:54We're right back.