- 6.6.2025
C.l.a-r.k s.o.n-s F.a.r.m S4E8
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00:00Morning, morning. How are we looking? We're looking like it's a pub. It's a pub. It's a pub. It's exciting, isn't it? I've written your menu up. Do you want to see it? Uh, yeah. What have we got? Chicken liver pate. All pressed ham piccadilly. All garlic mushrooms. Sausages of the day. Mash. Hortzen gravy onions.
00:26Salt pot, apple crumble, cheesecake of the day. Fantastic. Morning, everybody. Oh, it's smelling good. How are you? After our sprint to the finish line, the mood on opening morning was reassuringly calm and upbeat. Morning, morning. Morning, morning. Are you excited? Yes. Very excited. Is that the bubble of squeak? I love that stuff. Well done. That's great. That's fantastic. Morning, everybody. Breads arrived this morning. Fresh bread. There it is.
00:55Exciting eggs arrived. Yeah, it's all coming together. Just in time. It always is. I mean, this is it. I could have got in a blind panic and run around going, do this and do that. But I've actually learned. Everybody knows what has to be done. And everybody's doing a brilliant job. If you think about it. They are.
01:09After my King Charles style walkabout, Caleb and I set about a job I'd been very much looking forward to. Where did that go? Oh, I didn't bother you. It was too complicated. Christening the pub with its new name.
01:25I've got to go lower than the sign to start off because I've got to slide it between the wood.
01:34So it doesn't fit in the frame? It fits inside the frame, but it doesn't fit. At the bottom? Yeah.
01:40It's not ideal, is it? I know, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Let's put the other side up.
01:44OK. I've had one slight problem with this, which Lisa spotted the other day, is that she says it's a bit suggestive.
01:52I mean, only Lisa would spot that, but she did. Yep.
02:01Jobs are good. Well, it's not. Jobs kind of half done, but it'll do.
02:06It's good, actually, isn't it? The sign looked what I mean. The sign, the sign. Because we went through the farmers' everything, didn't we? Yeah.
02:11But there's nothing more loyal when a farmer's gone. No, no, no. Your dog is the most loyal thing you ever know.
02:15Yours on the other hand. Yours are not fucking loyal.
02:19We then hung up various other things. I'm on this side, are you? No. There we go.
02:24And just as we were finishing that, Joey arrived and made a rather alarming observation.
02:30Um, what? What about the prices? Oh.
02:36What are we charging? Have we not done that yet? Nobody's done it.
02:40Oh, for fuck's sake. What time is it? We're opening 40 minutes.
02:44While Charlie hurried off to sort that out, my stress levels once again shot up, as I started to notice a host of other problems.
02:54Rachel, where's the carvering unit going?
02:56Well, I still think this is the problem with wanting a room to be a private dining room and a carvering room.
03:00I know, but we can't stay there.
03:01But, uh, the problem is, it's very heavy.
03:04No, it's on wheels.
03:07These bar stools don't work. They don't swivel.
03:11They don't.
03:11They're ugly and they block the bar completely.
03:14So you can't sit in them unless you're actually facing forwards.
03:20I've got carrots on the go there for the end of the day.
03:22I'll need some beans going through, Chef.
03:24Yeah.
03:24What's all this shit?
03:25This dojo?
03:26Yeah.
03:27In the tent?
03:27In the tent.
03:28Right, so what are they doing here?
03:30Oh my giddy-oh.
03:31What's all this?
03:33No, we're not doing fucking bins.
03:35What is the matter with everybody?
03:37Music off!
03:40No music on in here ever!
03:43Come to the Cotswolds, and we'll put a plastic bin in the view.
03:49Prices.
03:50We know what we're charging.
03:52Does it include a profit?
03:53There's a margin over the...
03:55So, you know...
03:56Oh, no, I don't understand money.
03:57It's...
03:58It's...
03:58Really?
04:01Well, I'm just here to spend it, Charlie, that's all.
04:03It's all I've done for a month.
04:06Rachel, I've got the prices.
04:07Oh, well...
04:08Oh, God.
04:09This is what Charlie's just given me.
04:11Oh, right, OK.
04:13So I'm not making the timer?
04:15Quarter to 12.
04:17Done.
04:17Here we go.
04:23Meanwhile, in Lisa world...
04:25Just doing little finishing-off bits, all the nice stuff.
04:27Just a bit of sewing, a bit of gingham hanging.
04:30I've got to hang some more paintings.
04:31But, you know, otherwise, put some more cheat tiles up there.
04:33Little bits and pieces, but all in control.
04:36Have we only got one bar still here?
04:38Things keep getting moved, and it's not quite our stuff.
04:40We've got a nest of tables.
04:42What's this?
04:44Almost gin labels.
04:45OK, well...
04:45Kevin was walking around with those.
04:47We've got ten minutes.
04:47So, who's coming out?
04:49I need an army of people.
04:51Where's all the staff?
04:52They're having a quick briefing.
04:54They've got...
04:54We have to open, we know that.
04:55So they need to know what they're doing quickly.
04:57Where's the vacuum team to go?
04:59I'm kicking this fucking bonnet shop.
05:07Shit.
05:09Whoa.
05:11I can't do this.
05:13I'm going to come up.
05:13I haven't got time.
05:14Somebody else can do that for you.
05:15OK.
05:17Crack on with those.
05:20You'll give me duty and ready for service.
05:28Hi, guys.
05:30Here's the bar, repertory.
05:34Hi, how are you?
05:35Hi, good to see you.
05:36Two?
05:37Inside route.
05:38Hi there, guys.
05:38How are you?
05:39Yeah, fans are dead.
05:47That cannot stay in here, as I've been saying all along.
05:51Uh, power cut, fans are dead, no gas.
05:55What?
05:55The fans have just died, causing the gas cut out to, uh...
05:58You hear that?
05:59Yeah.
06:00That's not right.
06:01It's not like it's a power cut.
06:06Well, the extractor fan, the gas system, is locked into the extractor fan, so when the extractor fan goes off...
06:10The gas goes off.
06:11The gas has an auto cut-off.
06:13Chris, we've lost power in here, mate.
06:14Are you all together?
06:24Good, thank you.
06:25That sounds good.
06:25What happened, Chris?
06:27It's gone.
06:28It's gone.
06:29That fan's gone.
06:30Gone again.
06:30Yeah.
06:33Come with me around here, I'll get you in over here.
06:35How many are you?
06:36Two.
06:36Two.
06:37Okay, fantastic.
06:39Uh, trunking comes from the top.
06:40You know the suite on the right outside?
06:42Yeah.
06:43There's a house later.
06:44There must be a pop, man.
06:49Can you not help?
06:55I don't give you any of your bedroom.
06:57It's, it's, it's, it's a specialist.
07:03Do you all know there's no food yet?
07:05There's a little problem in the kitchen.
07:07So, I don't know how well you can see that.
07:09So, that, that's the isolator switch.
07:11Yeah.
07:11Turn one of the fan's off.
07:12Okay.
07:15Now, go to the key down below.
07:16Turn it off and turn it back on again.
07:18Okay.
07:18You should have gas now.
07:19Yeah, should have gas now.
07:20No, there he goes.
07:21It's just tripped.
07:22Right.
07:22Okay.
07:23Unfortunately, I've got no chance of getting that.
07:25Okay.
07:25Cheers.
07:26Bye.
07:26I was then told Annie urgently needed me at the bar in the tent.
07:38I've got no chance.
07:40Coolers have gone down, and I can't serve half my range.
07:42You can't what?
07:43We can't serve half the walk's name range, because our coolers have gone down, so I'm limping
07:47on one cooler.
07:48Where's Mark?
07:49Do you know, Jeremy?
07:50Congratulations.
07:50Well, yeah.
07:51Yeah, we've got seething problems, yeah?
07:53Yeah, go on.
07:54I've got an issue with the coolers.
07:55Oh, so I know that.
07:56Everyone's telling me what's...
07:56Yeah.
07:57How do we resolve it, is the main thing?
07:58Um, I've already spoke to Brunswick.
08:01They're coming out at the moment.
08:02Yeah, and where are they coming from?
08:03What time will they be here?
08:04Two hours time.
08:04Fucking hell.
08:05What have we got running?
08:06I could do a side at a lager.
08:07I'm going to have to drop half the range, because at the wastage, at every pint I'm pouring,
08:10I'm losing my...
08:11This is lunch services, a bus, basically.
08:26I put it to certain racial, and this is the realistic situation.
08:29No food now until 5.30.
08:31No food now?
08:32No food from now until 5.30.
08:38Well, there's definitely no lunch.
08:39No, definitely no lunch.
08:42Well, we can send them down to the tent.
08:44They're all happy anyway.
08:44They've been told on the door they may or may not.
08:46It's some food, but there's loads of food down the garden.
08:47Enjoy the whole day and the whole site.
08:49So everyone's happy.
08:50It's pouring with wine.
08:51Absolutely pouring down.
08:52Someone can sit in the garden.
09:00The coolers aren't working out rear either.
09:01I don't know what's going on.
09:03They're not working over there.
09:03They're not working here.
09:08Hi, guys.
09:08Hello.
09:09The crisps are very good.
09:11Okay.
09:13Okay.
09:15Yep.
09:24As I hid in my office, imagining the TripAdvisor reviews, Charlie and Chris, the electrician,
09:30managed to work out why the extractor fans were tripping.
09:33Left-hand side.
09:35Yeah.
09:36Up, up, up there.
09:37Yeah.
09:38Yeah.
09:40Yeah.
09:40Yeah.
09:42Yeah.
09:43What's that, Chris?
09:44Has it mended?
09:45Yes.
09:45You had the urn and the industrial postal off the pan, sir.
09:49Okay.
09:49But it overloaded at me.
09:51Your grinning is grinning.
09:52All good.
09:552-0-9.
09:56Three sausage, one gamma, one high.
09:58Quickly.
09:58Good.
09:59Well done.
10:01High sausage, no starter.
10:03Garlic mushrooms on the toast.
10:04Absolutely spot on.
10:06Service, please.
10:07By 2 o'clock, the first of the lunches finally made it out of the door.
10:13Help yourself.
10:13Grab yourself a pint.
10:14Grab yourself some great food.
10:15And pay attention to this.
10:16Every single thing you're going to consume in here was grown or reared by British farmers.
10:20So that's all good news.
10:22In there, not a new bottle.
10:24Mark the brewer also got the beer coolers sorted.
10:27Boys, what can I get you?
10:29Lager?
10:29And outside, Gerald was introducing Caleb to an old Oxfordshire pub garden game called Aunt Sally.
10:37If you get this.
10:39Go and sit on there.
10:40I'll see if I can take your wig off.
10:42We're sitting on the top of there.
10:46Oh, yes.
10:48Good one.
10:52By the evening, like everyone, I was exhausted from the ups and downs of the day.
10:59I desperately wanted some sleep, but that was impossible.
11:05Because more night harvesting beckoned.
11:23I'm going to call it.
11:24All right, my friends.
11:25Thank you so much.
11:29After a couple of hours, Kip, I returned to the pub, which was basking in some typical bank holiday weather.
11:45Bloody hell.
11:48However, we were at least hoping for a smoother day in the kitchen.
11:51Because instead of the normal menu, we would be unveiling my new weekend carvery.
12:01Yorksers.
12:02Yorkies are going, yeah.
12:03Beef's done.
12:04People are going to love this.
12:06Having toured the kitchens, I went up to my office for a catch-up with Charlie.
12:10Morning.
12:12Hi, Charlie.
12:12How's things?
12:13It's quite damp, isn't it?
12:14Yeah.
12:15I'm looking at the weather forecast.
12:16I'm looking at the figures for yesterday.
12:17Oh, Christ.
12:18Yeah, sorry about that.
12:18It's quite a complicated entry procedure to the office.
12:22Yeah.
12:22We've lost two waitresses.
12:24We've lost a pot washer after one day.
12:27One day?
12:27Mm.
12:28And the lights are still flickering.
12:30And indeed, flickered off.
12:31That's disappointing.
12:32And they've come back on again now.
12:33Given that we've got a generator.
12:36It's not working.
12:36Well, it is.
12:37Well, there is some evidence to suggest it's not working in as much as the light has gone
12:40off again and come back on again.
12:44We're still quite short of power, aren't we?
12:45I know.
12:46And the obvious leaks.
12:48What?
12:49I don't know about leaks.
12:50What leaks?
12:54Oh, my giddy aunt.
12:55Oh, it's good news?
12:56No, that's not good news.
12:57It's not on the mural.
12:58No, it's not on the mural.
12:59That is good news.
13:00Oh, Jesus.
13:01Yeah.
13:02That's a big leak.
13:03That's just where the roof...
13:04It's just two joints.
13:05Alan's on his way.
13:08On the plus side, the rain did eventually stop.
13:11The replacement pot washer started work.
13:14There's no easy way of doing it, is there?
13:16Well, then, so gravy's on, carrots are on.
13:19So that's making happy days.
13:20Sorry about the wait.
13:21And at noon, we open for business.
13:23Bang on schedule.
13:24Here's the bar of repertory.
13:26It's a carvery today.
13:28And it's 20 pounds.
13:30Ladies and gentlemen, the carvery is now open and ready.
13:36There's some carver cheese there.
13:37You're putting potatoes, all the veg and the gravy and your sauces are over the far side.
13:40With the electrics holding up and the carvery going down a storm, I breathed a sigh of relief for the first time in two days.
13:50There we go.
13:51However, I've forgotten one important thing.
13:57Portion control.
13:59Any more, there's no more cabbages there?
14:01No.
14:01No, it's all gone.
14:02No, it's all gone.
14:02We'd hoped to serve food until 6 p.m., but by 4, the kitchen was in trouble.
14:09We're going to do another 25 to 30 people, and then after that, there's no food left.
14:13I'm going to be brutally honest here.
14:17We are not going to be able to serve you guys' food.
14:19It's all gone.
14:25Happily, we could keep operating as a pub.
14:28But then, an hour later...
14:32Is there no water?
14:36The water's just gone off in the building, so if you're going through the trees, that's important.
14:41I was hoping the problem was something trivial, but the plumber quickly realised it was being caused by the village down the hill.
14:49As far as I know, the water pipe comes all the way up from Astral Village.
14:52It's from Widdershire.
14:54So if it is what's happening, then everyone in the village is turning their waters.
14:58Shallows, filling up pots, pans, kettles, and it hasn't got the oomph to push it up to him.
15:03So, this isn't going to get any better, is it?
15:07Potentially not at the moment.
15:08But how would you ever resolve it on a permanent basis?
15:12I think so. I don't think there is another supply.
15:17Fucking hell. All right, thanks, mate. Thanks.
15:19Sorry, everybody.
15:21A thousand apologies for the disasters of today.
15:24We will resolve it.
15:26I will resolve it.
15:27I don't know how, but I will resolve these things.
15:30Sorry, sorry, sorry.
15:33Then Sue and Rachel said they wanted a word in the upstairs bar, and they didn't hold back.
15:39We are pubs, and we know how to run pubs. We've done pubs forever.
15:42But this building is not really fit for purpose.
15:46There are too many issues for us to run a successful business from this site.
15:50With failing water, no toilets, no gas, leaking roofs, struggling staff.
15:56Everyone is exhausted. Even when we say go for a break, there's no staff room.
15:59They're waiting in a port-a-loo. It's not lovely conditions.
16:01They love you, and they love working here because of that.
16:03And they're excited about the British food and everything that this pub is.
16:07And they want to get behind it, but they're working 40 days.
16:10I have no problem with the staff. Not one single problem with the staff.
16:14They're all brilliant. They're smiley, and they're nice.
16:16The kitchen is about to go pop. Those chefs have had it.
16:19It might be worth popping into the kitchen.
16:23I've just popped in.
16:24Go back.
16:24I said, well done, thank you.
16:25Go back.
16:26What?
16:26Go back would be my advice.
16:27Well, do you want me to go and find a new manager, or do you want me to go back into the kitchen?
16:30Or do you want me to get the lead member?
16:31Okay, fine.
16:32Or do you want me to deal with the car parking issues?
16:33Or do you want me to deal with the neighbours?
16:35Do you want me to deal with the council?
16:36I've got plenty to be doing, and I'll get on with it.
16:39No problems. Come on, let's get on with it.
16:41Right.
16:44With no water for the indoor lavatories, all for washing glasses,
16:47we couldn't continue to operate.
16:51So at 6pm, we had to make the announcement.
16:54Ladies and gents, the pub's shut.
17:00I'm so sorry to let you down.
17:03Goodbye.
17:03Thanks for coming.
17:05As the pub was emptying, Nick was ringing round,
17:08desperately trying to find more British meat for tomorrow.
17:1140 kilos of beef joint and 30 kilos of pork joint.
17:14Call it 40 of each.
17:16Does that work?
17:17Is that possible?
17:17Is that possible?
17:19And in his professional view,
17:20today's carvery catastrophe had uncovered deep flaws in my cooperative scheme.
17:26We're starting to see at this point where Jeremy's plan,
17:30albeit very, very well-meaning,
17:32his lack of knowledge to do with pubs,
17:33we can see where the supply chain for food is starting to crack,
17:38and crack quite severely.
17:39What Jeremy doesn't understand is that there's a reason that food wholesalers exist.
17:43They pick up that slack in the supply chain between the grower and the end user.
17:47If we're dealing direct with a producer, there's a lag in terms of when they can dig the produce.
17:52They might not have it ready to harvest that week.
17:54Their beans might be two weeks off.
17:55A wholesaler would just go to somebody else.
17:57I was determined to prove Nate wrong on this point,
18:02but that would take time.
18:04In the here and now,
18:05I had to harvest water overnight when the village didn't need it,
18:08so that we could open on what we hoped would be a very busy bank holiday Sunday.
18:13Right, sit rep.
18:26We're hanging on just.
18:29We've worked out if we shut the lavatories and use plastic glasses in the bar
18:34rather than glass glasses that need washing up,
18:36we'll have enough water to serve food for six hours, 12 till six,
18:40so we can do that.
18:42The next problem is,
18:43Sue and Rachel, who brilliantly set the pub up,
18:46have now left.
18:49So it's a Sunday morning.
18:51And I've managed to get a new front of house person
18:55who is the head of the sixth form at the local village school.
18:59So that's good.
19:01Good news here.
19:02It's loin of pork.
19:04Nick had also managed to find more meat,
19:06but instead of opening the carvery at 12 as advertised,
19:10he was now saying he wouldn't be ready to go until three.
19:15She's very well presented.
19:17Morning, Jeremy.
19:17How are you?
19:18Well.
19:18I'm not anymore.
19:19I'm not anymore.
19:21But yeah, let's do that.
19:22If Squeezie stays in here with me,
19:23and then you work out with Catherine on the other side.
19:26Three o'clock.
19:28Can you help me to understand why?
19:31You've got people who've driven literally hundreds of miles.
19:34I'll read you from start to finish.
19:35At 7pm yesterday, the water ran out in this kitchen.
19:38I'm well aware of that, and we mended it.
19:40And we've closed the lavatories,
19:41and we're using plastic glasses behind the bar
19:43so we don't have to wash up.
19:44This food is not prepared on the day.
19:47Vegetables are pre-blanched the previous night.
19:51They are blanched using steamers,
19:52and also cauliflower cheese is roasted off.
19:56Some Yorkshire puddings are made.
19:58They're done before.
19:59But they're made.
19:59We have some food.
20:01We don't have enough food for 450 cupboards.
20:04So you've just taken a three-hour service today,
20:06that's all you can manage?
20:06No.
20:07Three till six?
20:08It's not all I can manage.
20:09It's all the kitchen as it stands can manage.
20:12That's how this works.
20:14OK.
20:20Mercifully, Nick quickly worked out we could open at 1,
20:24providing we ditched the time-consuming puddings.
20:27Where are we?
20:28Basically, we need to cook veg,
20:29we need to cook these courgettes,
20:30we need to heat up these potatoes.
20:32Yeah.
20:35There, we are open.
20:36Yay!
20:37And this is Claire.
20:39She's the head of the sixth form at the local school.
20:41She's helping us out this morning with crowd control.
20:43And if you miss my house,
20:44she'll smack the back of your legs with a ruler, so...
20:45Detention for everybody.
20:47Yeah.
20:47With portion control now in place...
20:51We've got river beef, pork, you can have one of each,
20:55or beef, two pork.
20:56And with Mrs. Brown wrangling the crowds...
20:58Where are my Jews?
21:00I'm happy to buddy up.
21:01Give me one second, and I'll be with you.
21:02Mrs. Brown.
21:03Hello.
21:03Where's my family of five?
21:05We did manage to achieve our first travel-free service.
21:08There we go.
21:09But there was no getting away from the fact
21:12that the opening weekend had been a disaster.
21:16As his cheerfulness was at pains to remind me.
21:20You know, just stepping back, you know,
21:21there might have been some things, you know,
21:24do you...
21:24Let's get through this next couple of days
21:27and then have a proper sit-down on Tuesday.
21:29You know, there'll...
21:30But do you, you know...
21:31I mean, there's no point going over the hindsight now,
21:33but, you know, fundamentally, some people might say...
21:36It could have been a week or two too soon.
21:47Sorry, I'm not...
21:49I was going to say I'm multitasking,
21:50but I'm simply not listening to you.
21:51No, no, no.
21:51And I didn't even think I would say
21:53you're not listening to me, are you?
21:54Because the answer was clear.
21:56Yeah.
21:58But I always said that when we open,
22:01you know, it's going to start moving
22:02and then, you know, some bits will shake loose.
22:05But I hadn't kind of envisaged
22:07quite as many bits shaking loose quite as quickly.
22:09No, everything fell apart.
22:10Yes.
22:10First day and yesterday, absolute disasters.
22:13I never want to relive them.
22:16Oh, fuck.
22:19The pub hanging on by the skin of its teeth
22:22wasn't my only problem.
22:26Because a serious issue
22:27was also developing over at the farm.
22:29By now, at the tail end of August,
22:32we should have harvested the Durham pasta wheat,
22:35our most valuable crop.
22:37But because of the erratic weather,
22:39it was still sitting in the ground,
22:42losing its quality.
22:44It's a BMI work.
22:45There's a tile missing now.
22:46So we continued to attend to the needs of the pub.
22:49If you could get that in, that would be fantastic.
22:52While waiting for a dry enough day to harvest.
22:5427.4, hi.
22:57But a full two weeks later,
22:59when that day still hadn't arrived,
23:02I asked Charlie to come over for a crisis summit.
23:06I've told you again and again,
23:08you've got three qualities in the wheat
23:10which are paramount to make it milling,
23:12and particularly for pasta.
23:14You've got the protein level,
23:15you've got the bushel weight,
23:17but the critical one is the Hagberg.
23:19And as that number,
23:20it's the Hagberg falling number,
23:21if we leave it there too long,
23:23and that starts to drop,
23:24it's using up the seed's resources.
23:26So it won't make pasta.
23:26It won't make pasta.
23:2780 acres of that.
23:28Yeah.
23:29And our most valuable crop.
23:30And has been the most valuable crop
23:32for the last few years, yeah.
23:33So this is looking bleak.
23:35Yeah.
23:36For the first time,
23:37you know how optimistic I am generally.
23:38No, I don't know that.
23:41Yeah.
23:42I'm not convinced.
23:43If we can get it out of the ground,
23:44get it over to the mill,
23:48then we will know,
23:50but we've got to get it up now.
23:52Correct.
23:52Okay, let's make it up.
23:54And his moisture meter.
23:56All right, mate.
23:57Hello.
23:57Hello.
23:57How are you?
23:58I'm going to see it.
23:59I'm going to see it.
24:00What's the news?
24:01Quite shit, isn't it?
24:02Just done a moisture test on the chewing wheat.
24:0427.2.
24:0527.2?
24:05You bite it, yeah.
24:06It's like biting a jelly baby.
24:0827.2 is red high.
24:10Basically, you go into a river.
24:10Why don't you just run it under a tap?
24:11Yeah, just fill it up,
24:12and then establish that water's wet.
24:14How late?
24:14When was the last time anyone can remember
24:16harvest being this late?
24:17No, but it's my latest.
24:19Yeah, but you're already four.
24:20Somebody told me it's 70 years
24:21since it was this late, wasn't it?
24:22So this is late,
24:24on everybody's scale.
24:26Well, what are we going to do?
24:27So should we combine it early
24:29to try and...
24:30Get that Hagberg.
24:30Stop the loss of Hagberg.
24:32Yeah, and then we pay the drying charges.
24:33Then we pay the drying charges.
24:34Why are we paying drying charges
24:35if it turns out to be animal food?
24:38Because you don't know where you are on that.
24:39Where you stand now.
24:40In the end,
24:45we decided to harvest
24:46as soon as we could.
24:48But if we didn't want
24:49to break the combine,
24:50we'd still have to wait
24:51for the wheat to go from sodden
24:53to merely damp.
24:57I wanted to pass the time
24:59in my bed, sleeping.
25:01But there were other farm jobs
25:03to be done,
25:04like sending the next batch of pigs
25:06off to the abattoir.
25:08Come on, girls, on the lorry.
25:10Thank you for being
25:11pigs at Dickie Scott.
25:13Come on, then.
25:16Then it was time
25:17to make a decision
25:18I'd been dreading.
25:20The fate of Richard Hamm.
25:23What are we going to do with you?
25:26Hmm?
25:27The problem is,
25:28if he goes on the lorry,
25:30he's killed.
25:32And all we get in return
25:33is a chipolata
25:35and a pork chop
25:35the size of a walnut.
25:37If he stays here,
25:38we've got to feed him
25:39for no reason.
25:40And that's not farming.
25:43Ah.
25:47But then,
25:48I had an idea.
25:50Wait a minute.
25:53The next lot of sows,
25:55we're going to use
25:56artificial insemination on them
25:57to make them pregnant.
25:58But we can't do that
26:01until they get in heat.
26:02And they won't get in heat
26:03unless there's a man pig
26:05nearby.
26:08So why don't we keep him
26:09as the farm's man pig
26:12to get the ladies in the mood?
26:16He could be a fluffer.
26:17Richard Hamm,
26:20the fluffer pig.
26:21Having fun over there?
26:22What?
26:23Working hard?
26:24No, I've just made
26:25a good decision.
26:27Yeah?
26:27They say you're like this.
26:29We're going to keep him
26:30and he's going to be a fluffer.
26:33Okay.
26:34What's his phone come to you?
26:35I don't know.
26:36Yes.
26:36Good old Richard Hamm.
26:38He could be Hugh Hefner.
26:39Finally,
26:44it was D-Day.
26:47Durham Week Day.
26:49Here we go.
26:55Jeremy, ready to online?
26:58Still in, still in.
27:02Yeah, get in for it.
27:06I'm full.
27:07I'll get back to the phone.
27:10Despite our anxieties
27:11about whether the past
27:12a week would make the grade,
27:14we all cheered up
27:15when Diddly Squat's
27:16reserve combine driver
27:18turned up
27:19for his traditional shift.
27:24So,
27:24I'm talking to
27:25as the day got off.
27:26I'll see you out here
27:27all the day
27:28with all the time.
27:29I'm going to make
27:31a stop.
27:31I know I'm going to
27:33turn it off.
27:34I'll come over there.
27:36We're certainly
27:37and with that,
27:38which we all look forward to.
27:39I think there's
27:40Christmas, obviously,
27:41and there's
27:42Easter,
27:43and then there's
27:43the harvest.
27:44When we all get to hear
27:46Gerald talking on the radio
27:47from inside the compound,
27:49I actually prefer
27:51that to Christmas.
27:52I prefer it to almost anything.
28:01The harvest continues.
28:06The harvest continued
28:09into the next day.
28:13But the suspense
28:14was killing me.
28:15So I had to break off,
28:17scoop up Charlie
28:18and go to the mill
28:19with a sample
28:20of what we were harvesting
28:21to see if it was good enough
28:22to make pasta.
28:24So we've got a bag of ergot.
28:25Durham with some ergot in it,
28:27yeah.
28:27So that'll kill everyone
28:28who eats.
28:29Another thing,
28:29we keep quiet
28:29when we get to the mill.
28:30But it's the Hagberg,
28:32isn't it?
28:32Hagberg falling number,
28:33yeah.
28:33That's all we're interested in
28:34is the Hagberg.
28:35And what does it need to be?
28:37It needs to be over 250.
28:39And we needed our Durham wheat
28:41to make the grade
28:41more than ever
28:42because Charlie
28:43had got the results in
28:44from all the other crops.
28:46And the news was not good.
28:48Yield-wise,
28:49below par.
28:51So we haven't got
28:51as much as we wanted.
28:53But it's actually,
28:54so far,
28:54the barley
28:55and the milling wheat
28:56is all quality.
28:57All two ounces of them.
29:00Actually,
29:00I did that.
29:00We've got two ounces
29:01of very high-quality wheat
29:03and an ounce
29:03of very high-quality barley
29:05is what we've got.
29:06Yeah, you're right.
29:07Can you imagine
29:08if you were a heart surgeon
29:09and every operation you did
29:11was dependent upon the weather
29:12or its outcome
29:13or anything?
29:14Anything?
29:16I mean,
29:16you wouldn't mind me.
29:17Because we didn't do anything wrong.
29:18Nothing.
29:19Yeah.
29:26Hello, Bertie.
29:28Hi, Jeremy.
29:29Nice to see you.
29:29How are you?
29:30How are you?
29:30Very good.
29:31Yeah, really good.
29:33Past the wheat.
29:34Yeah.
29:35Has it got
29:36any Hackberg in it at all?
29:38When did you finish
29:38harvesting it?
29:39Uh, tomorrow.
29:40Have you got it all in or not?
29:42No.
29:42No, they're getting it in now.
29:43All right, okay.
29:44Everything else is going wrong,
29:46so I'm assuming
29:46this will as well.
29:48That's negative.
29:48I think...
29:49Okay, I'll get positive.
29:49Be positive.
29:50Yeah.
29:51How long are you going to be?
29:52I think we'll be
29:52five minutes.
29:53All right.
29:54Okay, we'll get them tested.
29:55We'll cross our fingers.
29:56All right?
29:56Thanks, Bertie.
29:57You'll see me now.
30:01This has not been
30:01a fun end to the farming year.
30:03I've got to be honest with you, Charlie.
30:04Well, this is quite a big swing
30:05at our bottom line
30:06at the year end.
30:07It's £25,000
30:08who's riding on this test.
30:09Yes.
30:09Let's not forget,
30:10if it passes,
30:11I'm £25,000.
30:14Correct.
30:14I'm going to let him get it.
30:15You get it
30:16and spend it immediately.
30:18But,
30:18if it fails,
30:21then...
30:21I'm £25,000.
30:22I've got to give you
30:23£25,000 of my own money.
30:24Yeah.
30:25And it is my...
30:27I know you're all going
30:28to this Amazon.
30:28It is my...
30:30It's yours.
30:30It's yours.
30:31Is this the...
30:32Yeah.
30:32It's Diddley Squat Farm.
30:33We'll have to...
30:34Stump up.
30:35...fund the shortfall
30:36to fund next year's farming cycle.
30:38The five minutes turned into ten,
30:49but eventually,
30:50Bertie was back.
30:51OK.
30:53OK.
30:54So,
30:55the reason I took so long
30:57is because we had to test it twice
30:59to get the Hagberg,
31:00and it's actually failed twice,
31:02which means it's so low...
31:03What number was it?
31:03It doesn't even get a number
31:04because it failed the test,
31:06which is pretty rare.
31:08As it stands,
31:09it's not going to be able
31:10to be milled,
31:11which is a bit of a disaster.
31:13But we...
31:14Yeah.
31:15I'm really sorry.
31:19Because we need it as well.
31:22OK.
31:23I'm just really disappointed.
31:24Yeah.
31:25I'm sorry.
31:28Thank you, mate.
31:28That's all right.
31:29Yeah.
31:40Yep.
31:41J-Hound,
31:42T-B-A-L.
31:43Right.
31:46Shall I tell him
31:46or shall you?
31:49Oh, my friend.
31:50What?
31:53I'm the Hagberg reading
31:54on the Durham.
31:55What was it?
31:55Didn't even read.
31:56What?
31:57Didn't even read.
31:58At all?
31:59What, it was a zero?
32:00Just didn't even register.
32:02Fucking hell.
32:06No.
32:07Fuck.
32:09I mean,
32:09that's 25 grand here.
32:11It's not one thing,
32:12it's another.
32:12I mean,
32:13he is just,
32:13I know,
32:13he's just harvesting shit now,
32:15then.
32:25What if I harvest him?
32:26At least the sun's shining.
32:31Oh, fuck.
32:31Tragically,
32:36we were not the only ones
32:38to be kicked in the teeth
32:39like this.
32:41Just about every farmer
32:43in the country
32:44was reeling
32:45because 2024
32:46had been
32:47an absolute monster.
32:49I've never done anything
32:56like this.
32:56This is biblical.
32:57The winter crops,
32:58they're turning yellow
32:59and they're drowning
33:00in the field.
33:00So if this rain
33:01doesn't stop
33:01in the next two weeks,
33:03we'll have 2,000 acres
33:03of bare fields.
33:06This year,
33:07the yield
33:07has been one of the worst
33:08in living memory.
33:09September was the wettest
33:10and those records
33:11go back to 18.
33:12The new reports
33:13has just set to see
33:14one of the worst
33:14harvest since records began.
33:17People are selling
33:17their combines
33:18because they're not
33:19going to have anything
33:19to cut.
33:22As I'm always
33:23at pains to point out,
33:24I don't rely on my farm
33:26for an income.
33:27But even so,
33:28it's pretty soul-destroying
33:30to work so hard
33:31and simply
33:34because of the weather
33:35make a loss.
33:38However,
33:39I then remembered
33:40something Simon
33:41had said
33:42during one of our
33:43woeful harvesting
33:44days.
33:46The thing you have to
33:47learn about being
33:47a farmer, Jeremy,
33:48is that if you want
33:49to preserve a modicum
33:50of sanity,
33:51you don't ask questions
33:52that you don't want
33:53to know the answers to.
33:54Just concentrate
33:55on next year's potential.
33:57This mantra
33:58of stoic optimism
34:00is what keeps
34:01the farmers going.
34:02Fighting the odds,
34:04rolling with the blows,
34:05doing what they do
34:06to make food.
34:09Beef, lamb,
34:10geese, turkeys,
34:11pigs, potatoes,
34:12food, cookies.
34:14And it's a mantra
34:15I realized
34:16I'd have to adopt.
34:18You keep going
34:19because you believe
34:20next year
34:21couldn't possibly
34:22be any worse.
34:29For now though,
34:30the Diddly Squat family
34:31had earned its right
34:32for an end-of-season lunch.
34:34And this year,
34:36we had our own pub
34:36for that.
34:38Are you waiting,
34:38boys?
34:39What can I get you?
34:40Sadly, however,
34:41we couldn't relax there
34:43because although
34:43it was now working
34:44reasonably well,
34:46there was always
34:46something to do.
34:48Oh dear God,
34:49that doesn't sound good.
34:50Something to mend.
34:51No, I know, I know,
34:52but the heat dump's
34:53not working over it
34:54there either.
34:55Something to worry about.
34:57The valley means
34:57where two roofs meet?
34:58Yes, yes.
34:58How much will it be?
34:59Oh, it's going to cost
35:01three grand at least.
35:01You know the guy
35:03who fell over yesterday?
35:04Yeah, please tell me
35:05he's not sewing.
35:05No, no, no, no,
35:06he came out of surgery
35:07at 8.30 last night.
35:09But he's,
35:10we've put his ankle
35:10back together.
35:12So we went to
35:13someone else's pub instead.
35:16There's probably chaos
35:17in the kitchen.
35:19I don't care.
35:20They're probably
35:20running out of water.
35:21I don't care, thank you.
35:23When did you realise this?
35:24Oh, go on.
35:26Okay, it hasn't been
35:27the smoothest of openings,
35:28we can all agree on that.
35:29Well, you've been a genius
35:30again in the tent
35:31working well,
35:31but the pub's been tricky.
35:33But it's there now.
35:35Yeah.
35:35So, well done, everybody.
35:36We did it.
35:37Yeah.
35:38To the farmer's dog.
35:39To the farmer's dog.
35:40To the farmer's dog.
35:41And the farmers.
35:42Yes.
35:42The farmers all support it.
35:43Long ratio float.
35:44Right, I'm talking now,
35:45I'm starving.
35:47Oh, Christ,
35:47it's not British,
35:48is it, though?
35:48Look, prawns,
35:49that'll be from India.
35:50Just for one day,
35:50let's just,
35:51just one day, please.
35:53The white bait, mind me?
35:54You have to eat the guts
35:55of the white bait.
35:55Yeah, you just eat everything.
35:56And the guts.
36:00What's the matter?
36:01Fishy, isn't it?
36:03But, but, but,
36:03the white bait,
36:05the white bait's fishy.
36:06Did you see what I won
36:06Sunday evening, guys?
36:08What?
36:08Did you see what I won
36:09Sunday evening?
36:10What does it say?
36:11Wall-in, oh.
36:12No way!
36:13First prize.
36:14You've won a wall-in competition?
36:15Yeah.
36:16Never mind you, Ava.
36:17Never mind the Six Nations.
36:20Gerald Cooper.
36:24Thank you very much.
36:25We then moved on
36:26to a more sobering topic,
36:28because the whole time
36:29Alan had been working
36:30flat out on the pub,
36:32he'd been waiting
36:33for some major heart surgery.
36:36Oh, you're in next Tuesday?
36:37Yeah, we're in next Tuesday
36:38at the hospital.
36:40Quadruple bypass, can we?
36:42And they've got a test for stroke.
36:43Yeah.
36:44Like your hood as well.
36:45You know last year?
36:46Yes.
36:47It was him, wasn't it?
36:48Yeah.
36:48Because you've got yourself better.
36:50Yeah, yes.
36:51So we're ending this year.
36:52I know.
36:53We're not fingers crossed
36:54that you're operation.
36:55Yeah, it's pretty routine
36:56these days, isn't it?
36:57It is routine,
36:58but you must be scared of it.
36:59Oh, part of the death.
37:00I don't even like thinking about it,
37:01so that's why I keep going to work,
37:02keep out of the way.
37:03They told me, really,
37:03just take it easy to stay at home,
37:04but if you stay at home,
37:05you'll be worrying to death about it.
37:06It's all you think about, yeah.
37:08Well, listen, Alan.
37:09Yeah, I know.
37:10Yeah.
37:11We'll be all right.
37:11Best of luck.
37:12Good fans.
37:13Best of luck to Alan.
37:13I'll kill you if you don't get better.
37:15We'll come for it.
37:16Because we couldn't have got that pub open
37:17without you.
37:18Oh, wow.
37:18And we'll name a wing after you.
37:20Oh.
37:21I mean, I'm not saying when you...
37:22I'm not saying if it goes wrong,
37:23we'll name a wing after you.
37:24Oh, no, no, no, please.
37:25We'll name a wing after you anyway.
37:26We'll have the Alan Townsend wing.
37:27How about that, then, Gerald?
37:29We've got Gerald's wood.
37:30Yeah.
37:31But we'll have the Alan Townsend wing.
37:32Yeah.
37:33Good.
37:33Yeah, brilliant.
37:34We've got a foot pump.
37:35I'll bring him round, don't worry.
37:37Foot pump?
37:38A foot pump?
37:39Foot pump.
37:39Get the old foot pump on him.
37:41I'll put some air back in, do you?
37:42That'd be nice.
37:42That'd be nice.
37:43Thanks, Gerald.
37:44That'd be fairly nice right now.
37:45He started plating.
37:46I'll pump him back up.
37:47You know what?
37:48Stop.
37:49Why is it not with him?
37:51When you're alone
37:57And life is making you lonely
37:58You can't always go
38:00Downtown
38:01When you've got worries
38:03All the noise and the hurry
38:05Seems to help, I know
38:07Downtown
38:08Just listen to the music
38:10Of the traffic in the city
38:12Linger on the side
38:13Won't grow than the old times
38:15I can be
38:15How can you lose?
38:18The lights are much brighter there
38:20You can't forget all your troubles
38:22Forget all your cares
38:24So go
38:24Downtown
38:25Things will be great
38:27When you're
38:28Downtown
38:29No final place for you
38:31Downtown
38:32Everything's waiting for you
38:35Downtown
38:38Downtown
38:39Downtown
38:40Downtown
38:41Downtown
38:45Downtown
38:46Downtown
38:47And you may find somebody kind
38:49To help and understand you
38:50Someone who is just like you
38:52And needs a gentle hand
38:54To guide them along
38:56So maybe I'll see you there
38:59We can't forget all our troubles
39:01Forget all our cares
39:02So go
39:03Downtown
39:04Things will be great
39:05When you're
39:06Downtown
39:07Downtown
39:10Don't wait for me
39:34Downtown
39:35Downtown
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