- 2 days ago
#ShowFilm98
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00:00Tonight, on New Year's Eve, we honour a very special member of the Pellet's family.
00:23Although her physical body is gone forever,
00:26the spirit lives on.
00:33It brings me great sadness to say this, but due to complications following her surgery,
00:41our friend Olivia won't be joining us tonight.
00:45She is risen!
00:48Oh, thank God. When you said you were still recovering from the thing, I didn't think you were going to make it.
00:53Yeah, well, I wasn't going to miss my own special night, was I?
00:56Oh, well, kind of a bit fine.
01:00Funny, that's exactly what I said to my surgeon. Boom.
01:03How's the new fanny, Liv?
01:05I can't imagine what it must suddenly be like to not have a penis.
01:08Never change, Millie.
01:10I thought this was a funeral.
01:11What do you think the champagne was for?
01:16Terrifying.
01:16In 15 minutes, after months of fundraising, the biggest donors towards Liv's gender reassignment surgery
01:24will come thundering through those doors for a black-tie gala event that's going to blow their socks off.
01:31But wait!
01:32It's not all going to be stuffy formality.
01:35Oh, no.
01:38It wouldn't be a New Year's Eve without a few fireworks now, would it?
01:42Hmm?
01:43And you know what?
01:44I got us a few fireworks.
01:46Just as Olivia's surgeons corrected God's mistake, so too must we reverse our own mistakes of the last year.
01:58Not only is tonight a chance to celebrate our freshly hole-punched friend,
02:03pointer cru...
02:04er, friend,
02:06but also to win back the public's trust.
02:08It's our last chance to save the storm.
02:20So, what the hay?
02:24Join me in a toast.
02:28We are Pellix.
02:29We are Pellix!
02:31Imagine if you'd know when you started working here that all these months later your shiny new vagina would swoop in and save the storm.
02:44Yeah, I didn't get the surgery.
02:47What?
02:48Well, I had to tell somebody, didn't I?
02:49I'm carrying all this extra weight around.
02:51Well, clearly!
02:52Why didn't you tell me you didn't get the surgery?
02:54I thought the money could be put to better use on a holy pilgrimage to the land of my people.
02:58What does that even mean?
02:59I went to Thailand for a month.
03:00Liv, what you're describing is charity fraud.
03:02There's a room full of donors coming tonight that have paid for your surgery.
03:05Why did you have to do this tonight?
03:07It was all going so well.
03:08I was going to kiss Millie at midnight.
03:09Okay, Thomas, Thomas, Thomas, calm down.
03:11Okay, everything's going to be fine.
03:12You're going to get your kiss at midnight.
03:14I'm going to get celebrated by everybody.
03:15Nobody's going to find out about this situation.
03:22Just stay very still.
03:30Oh, no.
03:36Surely you can't be serious.
03:37I am serious.
03:39But thanks for calling me Shirley.
03:40It's not my name, but still very progressive of you.
03:42Why?
03:42In the name of Moses and his bougie little wicker basket.
03:46Did you have to tell him?
03:47All of this could have neatly disappeared.
03:49Yeah, well, so could a lot of things.
03:50Oh, I'm sorry, Thomas, if I didn't let some quack prune me like a bonsai tree.
03:55I had to cover your medical leave.
03:57I missed the birth of my own son.
03:59Look, in fairness, admittedly, not my finest hour, but can we please remember that tonight
04:05is all about me?
04:06No!
04:07Tonight is about me, you Tim Burton toilet brush.
04:11This was my last chance to turn everything round.
04:15Your new vag was meant to lift the curse on the ladyboy billboard.
04:19None of this was my idea.
04:21I didn't ask for a fundraiser.
04:23What do you even mean?
04:24The only reason you work here is you told me you couldn't afford rent because you were
04:26saving up for your surgery.
04:28Newsflash, Thomas.
04:29I lied.
04:30I lie about things.
04:32It is a core part of my character, but I get away with it because I've got a charming
04:36accent and a silly little haircut.
04:38Oh, great.
04:39I mean, I thought I was your best friend, but it turns out I'm just one of your little sims
04:42to stick in a swimming pool and delete the ladder.
04:44It's good to know.
04:45Thanks.
04:45Shush, everyone.
04:46Suddenly, time to think.
04:49Okay, look, we are the only ones who know, which is good.
04:52We just have to keep it a secret from the other guests.
04:55Now, normally I'd say that wouldn't be too hard, but you'd probably make some joke about
05:00a lousal, wouldn't you?
05:01I would 100% do that.
05:02He's not wrong.
05:03You're a ticking time bomb.
05:06Okay.
05:06All right.
05:09We just have to come together tonight, all right?
05:12Keep the other guests distracted and stop Olivia's foul secret from getting out.
05:21Yeah, whatever.
05:22Welcome.
05:28Welcome.
05:28Oh.
05:29The roads are so icy out there.
05:31It's a wonder anyone made it here at all.
05:34Ice coat.
05:36Hey, this is all right, isn't it?
05:38We're not deceiving anyone, are we?
05:39I mean, we're just selling them a comforting fiction, like Father Christmas.
05:42Oh, I'm just going to push that one down and deal with it later.
05:45Are we looking on the seven-layer dip?
05:47Technically, it is just mayonnaise, but the ingredients separate if you leave it out overnight under a lamp.
05:51Lies upon lies.
05:52Are we expecting your ex-wife tonight?
05:55No, I doubt it.
05:55I'm not sure why she'd drag her cold reptilian carcass out of the warmth of our former marital home.
06:00Hello, son.
06:00Hello there, Dave.
06:01Ah.
06:03Good of you to come.
06:04But of course, with you here, what's Batman going to use to perch atop the Gotham City skyline?
06:08Ouch.
06:10Come on, darling, we both work for the company. Let's keep things civil.
06:15Don't you fucking dare.
06:17Sorry.
06:21Well, well, well.
06:23This is what it's come to, has it?
06:25We're throwing gender reveal parties for 30-year-olds.
06:28Oh, I've been to one of those.
06:30So much fun, with the exploding paint and the music and the three bald men.
06:35No, no, no. I'm thinking of the blue man group.
06:38Blue man group.
06:40You all right, Simon? You seem a little nervous.
06:41Fine. I'm all right. You all right?
06:43Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
07:08Wow. What a successful and impressive gala.
07:14So sorry I'm late. I've just been admiring Olivia's new vagina, which definitely exists.
07:21What's he doing?
07:22Distracting the guests.
07:23Have we met before?
07:26No, no, but I get that a lot from racists.
07:30I am Madame Zsa Zsa, sweet chilly Montague, and I am a wealthy widow and philanthropist.
07:37Well, thank you for coming all the way from Monaco, Zsa Zsa.
07:42Simon and I love us.
07:45Excuse me?
07:46And he is just as impressive in the boardroom as he is in the bedroom.
07:51Mm, shambang.
07:55Mm, mm, mm, mm.
08:04Hey, Millie.
08:05Thomas.
08:06Hey.
08:06Hi.
08:08Listen, I just wanted to say that I'm a huge fan of you.
08:12As a colleague.
08:15But also as a woman.
08:17So, well, I'd consider it a huge professional courtesy
08:20if you could maybe find a window in your itinerary this evening for a kiss.
08:25Ooh.
08:26Specifically at midnight.
08:28Yeah, specifically with me.
08:3115-second tops and I'll be out your hair.
08:34What's up?
08:35Cathy!
08:36Bless you.
08:39Better make it 45 seconds to leave her in for spillage.
08:41Yeah.
08:42Talk to me about breath freshener.
08:44Breath freshener?
08:44Mm-hmm.
08:45Well, I mean, I could offer you spearmint, peppermint or a house blend of the two.
08:48Ooh, a house blend.
08:49I will see you at midnight.
08:51Great.
08:51Thomas.
08:52Yeah?
08:52Don't be late.
08:53No.
08:54I like my men like I like my coffee.
08:56I'm not waiting more than a minute for it to show up.
08:59Yeah.
09:00I won't be because, um, well, I like my women like I like my lattes.
09:03Uh-huh.
09:03As evidenced by the residual froth on my upper lip.
09:08I'll take that back.
09:10Don't be late.
09:11Don't be late.
09:12Okay.
09:12Yeah.
09:12Okay.
09:13See ya.
09:15Goodbye, Thomas.
09:17Goodbye.
09:18Ooh, mummy.
09:19Oh, you're having a fucking laugh.
09:35Oh, my God.
09:41Well done, old friend.
09:43Well done.
09:43What are you doing?
09:52Oh, just taking the new vag for a spin.
09:56Just having a classic female wee down here.
09:58You crack on, chica.
10:01Don't mind me.
10:04Peace.
10:05Oh, shit!
10:07Fucking freezing out here.
10:10I cannot for the life of me figure out why anyone would choose to be a woman.
10:16Well, you know how it is.
10:18One day you're watching Tidying Up with Marie Kondo naked and you think, this thing in my
10:23hand just doesn't spark joy anymore.
10:25A woman gets divorced.
10:27She's a money-grabbing harpy.
10:30A man gets divorced, it's like, on to the next trophy wife.
10:34I did not expect him to move on so quickly.
10:39I've got to say, if I was born with a dick, I would be getting it insured.
10:45Everything all right?
10:46Yep.
10:47Yep.
10:47Just, do you know what it is?
10:48I think I'm just getting used to my new urethra, which, as we both know, is located
10:52between the clitoris and the vaginal opening, both of which I definitely possess.
10:58Yeah, good talk.
11:05Oh, my God.
11:13Okay.
11:19Ten minutes to midnight.
11:21Are you nervous?
11:23Nah.
11:24It's just a kiss, isn't it?
11:25It's not like I'm proposing.
11:27Although I am going to need you to get down on one knee.
11:30Sorry.
11:31Liv.
11:33Whoa, whoa, whoa.
11:33Slow down.
11:35What's stuck to the ice?
11:37It's nonsense.
11:41I'm just saying, if you had a hole down there, the ice wouldn't be such a problem.
11:45Tell that to the passengers of the Titanic.
11:47Tom, Tom, look at me.
11:48This is not my fault.
11:50Have you never got your tongue sucked to a frosty lamppost before?
11:52If you're asking me if I had a childhood full of whimsical curiosity, then yes, I did have.
11:56Now picture my testes in place of your tongue.
11:58No, thank you.
12:00You're going to have to pull me up.
12:01Do you know what, Liv?
12:01No.
12:02It's nearly midnight.
12:03I'm about to kiss the girl of my dreams.
12:06You lied about saving for your surgery.
12:10Consider this all your chickens coming home to roost.
12:12How is that a bad thing?
12:15Tell that to a chicken farmer.
12:18Tom!
12:19Please.
12:21You are the only person in the world that would ever give me the benefit of the doubt after this many fuck-ups.
12:27Maybe I don't deserve another chance.
12:29But if anyone was ever going to give me one...
12:33You're the only person in the world that would ever give me one...
12:35Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
13:05Okay, go.
13:07Eight, seven...
13:09Whoa, this is exactly the same as having a baby!
13:13Six, five, four, three, two, one!
13:35Hello!
13:37Oh, my God!
13:39For old Lang Syne, my dear
13:45For old Lang Syne
13:51We'll take a cup of kindly shit
13:57For old Lang Syne
14:05Oh, good. She's alive.
14:21I bought you some ice.
14:23Good one. How long was I out?
14:2520 minutes. Everyone's out on the shop floor. The donors are going mad.
14:29Sounds like we're going to lose the store.
14:31Oh, fuck!
14:35Ugh!
14:37Ugh!
14:39How are you?
14:41Why did you have to lie about wanting to get the surgery?
14:43None of this would have happened if you just hadn't lied about the bloody surgery lived.
14:47It wasn't a lie, Thomas.
14:49I just hadn't fully decided yet.
14:51Every transgender woman imagines life with a minge.
14:53I don't know if there's a pair of butchers flaps in my future, but that is my decision, not yours.
14:59I understand you now.
15:01It's exhausting pretending to be something that you're not.
15:05Vivi, we've been over this. Liv isn't pretending to be a woman.
15:09I'm talking about all the years that she spent pretending to be a man.
15:13Nobody should have to change who they are just to make other people happy.
15:19I'm going out there.
15:21You can't.
15:22They'll eat you alive.
15:23Plus a billion painkillers are about to kick in.
15:25I feel fine.
15:27This is our last chance to make everything right.
15:31Somebody get me a microphone.
15:33And a Pellock's uniform.
15:39Simon! Simon!
15:41Show yourself, Simon!
15:47Have you ever thought about installing a bidet in your front porch?
15:51Because the amount of shits you take on your own doorstep is staggering.
15:55You can have the car in the divorce.
15:57Take the Chesterfield.
15:59You can even have Arthur Cap.
16:01Please don't take Pellocks away from me.
16:03Oh, this is about much more than the high quarters of a British short hair, Simon.
16:06This is about erasing you from my existence.
16:19Liv, you've taken too many painkillers.
16:21What are you going to say to yourself?
16:23What is a woman?
16:37Somebody with a vagina!
16:39One guy's opinion.
16:41I'm not here to define a woman or a man.
16:45But I will define a manager.
16:49Simon Hyman may run this place like a game of Kaplunk.
16:53And if you look closely enough tonight, his pocket square may turn out to be a slice of wafer-thin ham.
16:59But he's a good man.
17:03I'm the reason this place is filled with chaos.
17:09Even if I do do it with the debonair lovability of a cartoon cat.
17:13I take advantage of my friendships.
17:17I cause hard-working people to get overlooked.
17:23I monopolise my best friend's time so nobody else can get a look in.
17:29I have taken many lovers.
17:35If you must punish somebody, don't punish these people.
17:39Punish me.
17:41But before you do, there's something I need to say.
17:45I have taken care of.
17:55Gather round and let me sing you the transgender blues.
18:03The world's on fucking fire.
18:06And yet we're still front page news.
18:11When this one-girl sausage festival came rolling into town.
18:19You put me on this pedestal.
18:23Now I'm never coming down.
18:35Don't let my penis come between us.
18:44Born on Mars.
18:45Now I live on Venus.
18:47Dick for brain.
18:48Then I'm a genius.
18:50There's a chance I'm Murphy Jesus.
18:53And when the day is done, my tips will outlive everyone.
18:58I said I'm taking over the world and I will represent both the boys and the girls in equal measurement.
19:04Kamala's grace.
19:06Gaddafi's banash.
19:07What better leader than a woman who could grow a moustache?
19:10If you don't like me, say it to my face.
19:13I've got an extra leg.
19:14I'm gonna win this race.
19:16It's not a lot to ask for you to call me Mrs.
19:19We wouldn't be here if my mama'd let me run with scissors.
19:22And I'm sorry that the queue outside the ladies' loo keeps getting longer.
19:31But we are stronger together like birds of a feather.
19:37And if it's time for me to fly, then please, before I go, give me one last chance to drop my pants so I can piss my name into the snow.
19:58Well, that went well.
20:07Oh, my God.
20:08We just don't want to run money.
20:09We just don't want to run money.
20:11We just want our money back.
20:16Enough.
20:17Enough.
20:18Enough.
20:19Hey.
20:20Hello.
20:21Hello.
20:22Yeah.
20:23Yes.
20:24Yeah.
20:25I hear you.
20:26Just...
20:27Just...
20:28Just hear me out.
20:29Okay?
20:30I just want our money back, sir.
20:31Shut up.
20:32You will.
20:33You will get your money back.
20:34You will get your money back.
20:35I promise.
20:36Because if you allow the store to remain open in order to repay her debt, Olivia will be locked into a 50 hour per week minimum wage contract until the day she dies.
20:57Thank you, thank you, thank you.
21:11And in one final validation of her womanhood, her wages will be docked an additional 9% in accordance with a gender pay gap.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:28Hashtag competent management.
21:30Hashtag happy new year!
21:39Jesus Christ.
21:40Miss Fast, we have you scheduled in for an emergency genital reconstruction.
21:53Oh, the irony.
21:59Ooh.
22:00Are you sure you should be drinking in your condition?
22:02Tell you what, why don't you start a charity fundraiser to have this bottle removed from my hand?
22:07Fair point.
22:10I'm sorry I let things go too far.
22:13That's okay.
22:16I'm sorry you didn't get your kiss at midnight.
22:19That's okay.
22:22Plenty of other socially mandatory kisses on the calendar.
22:26Mistletoe at Christmas.
22:29Rehearsing a play, I...
22:31Happy New Year, Thomas.
22:40Thanks.
22:42But you're really, really normal type.
22:44Oh, really?
22:45Yeah.
22:46Because between my top half and my bottom half, I like to think I've got a little something for everyone.
22:49Ha, no.
22:51Oh, for...
22:52I told you.
22:53Playful punches are for girls with smaller hands.
22:55Ha, ha, ha.
22:56Ha, ha, ha.
22:57Of kindness yet
22:59For the sake of auld lang syne
23:04For the sake of auld lang syne
23:05For the sake of auld lang syne
23:06For the sake of auld lang syne
23:07For the sake of auld lang syne
23:08For the sake of auld lang syne
23:09For the sake of auld lang syne
23:10For the sake of auld lang syne
23:11For the sake of auld lang syne
23:12For the sake of auld lang syne
23:13For the sake of auld lang syne
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