- 2 days ago
#ShowFilm98
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I'm alive.
00:15Oh!
00:23So, uh, Millie, um, how was your night off?
00:27Get up to anything fun with anyone boyfriend-y or...?
00:31I'm not seeing anyone.
00:33No?
00:34Unless you count the crow that lives in my wall.
00:36No, no.
00:37I drank a whole can of Thunderpiss energy drink at 6pm
00:40and decided to come here and alphabetise the dips.
00:43A-O-L-E-T-O-Z-E-C-E-C-E.
00:46Yeah.
00:47Although I think tzatziki begins with a T.
00:49What?
00:50I mean, I could help you alphabetise the dips tonight, maybe.
00:53I'd like that.
00:54You'd like that?
00:55Yeah.
00:56That would be fantastic.
00:58Not great, just good.
01:00Oh.
01:01Actually.
01:04So...
01:06How was your night off?
01:08Big night.
01:09Really?
01:10Yeah.
01:11Dancing, actually.
01:12Working on some moves, adjusting those moves
01:14in order to maximise performance.
01:16It's important to us to stay on top of your game when it comes to these things.
01:19I'd love to go dancing.
01:20It must be amazing to have people to go with.
01:22Yeah.
01:23Big time.
01:24Big time.
01:25Although this was actually just me by myself at home, in front of the mirror.
01:28Oh.
01:29Teaching myself the robot, just in case I do ever venture out for a night out.
01:35Let me see if I can remember any of it, actually.
01:37It was, er, left arm up, right arm up, twizzle both 90 degrees, pop a shoulder if there's
01:42time, point, point, point, point, point, cheeky little wink, er, and repeat.
01:47Wow.
01:48I'd love to see it sometime.
01:51Listen, um, I was thinking, well, you're a woman and...
01:57Yes.
01:58I'm a man.
01:59Trust me, I've made that mistake before.
02:01Give it a few years.
02:02Sorry I'm late, everybody.
02:03I was on a date.
02:05Wowza.
02:06Keep it in your pants, Millie.
02:07And you couldn't have got change before work.
02:09I'm transgender, Thomas.
02:10How much more of a change do you want from me?
02:12You want my advice for landing a man?
02:14It all starts by swiping right, unless he's a southpaw, then you swipe left, uppercut
02:19to the chin, turning, kick to the knee, and he's out for the count.
02:23Thank you, Beefy, but I did not put in all this effort to land one man for the rest
02:28of my life.
02:29I did it because they might be bringing back national service.
02:31Either way, I'm going to end up with one person.
02:33I need them to be my intellectual match.
02:35Oh, when's the wedding?
02:36What wedding?
02:37To the sound of your own voice.
02:39Sit down.
02:40Join the circle.
02:41So what's all this, then?
02:43Oh, wait.
02:44No, let me guess.
02:45Um, speed dating for ugly people.
02:47I really hope it's Squid Games.
02:49Not for the murder.
02:50I'm just in it for the cookies.
02:52All I know is I came in this evening and Simon had locked himself in his office, jabbering
02:56on about taking back control.
02:59No psychiatrist, but I think this divorce has really pushed him over the edge.
03:04Your lack of faith is duly noted, employee 8402.
03:08Who?
03:09Where are these numbers coming from?
03:10There's literally five of us.
03:11You are looking at the future of Pellix.
03:14The boxes before you contain the latest customer-facing AI technology that Pellix could afford.
03:20Wow.
03:21I had no idea there was an East Korea.
03:23We will no longer be relying on human connection.
03:26We need to have it smashed back in our face like a custard pie of lies.
03:30Shouldn't that be custardy pie?
03:32Is his wife taking the kids?
03:33It's a lovely good wordplay.
03:35Employee 6478, open the box in front of you.
03:39That's me.
03:40Ooh.
03:41The vScan staff headset allows retail staff the hands-free ability to scan stock items,
03:50alerting them at a glance to which products are out of date and in need of disposal.
03:54I've seen these.
03:55They are amazing.
03:56Type in VR porn.
03:57Yeah?
03:58All of the sights, none of the smells.
03:59It's a game changer, people.
04:00It really is.
04:01Here we go.
04:02The vScan uses machine learning to speed up the stop-taking process,
04:07eliminating the need for employees to waste time communicating during their shifts.
04:16Hang on.
04:17Guys, let's think about this for a second.
04:19Is this really what we want to be doing?
04:21Giving ourselves over to the machines?
04:23What happened to a time when AI was just the sound of a Scottish person agreeing with you twice?
04:27Tom, it's a bit of plastic.
04:30Call me a sceptic, but I believe the machines are listening when I stop receiving emails for penis enlargement spam.
04:35Employee 1610, designation Beefy.
04:39You will be testing the Bluetooth range for the brand new anti-theft geotag trolleys.
04:45You need to get as far away from the store as possible so we can judge how far they...
04:511610?
04:53Beefy?
04:54She's off.
04:55Okay.
04:56Employee 8402, you are going to be the voice of Pelek's brand new self-service scanners.
05:04The modern customer loves nothing more than arguing with a machine at checkout.
05:08Your voice will give it that much-needed sense of...
05:12Spinelessness.
05:13That make people feel superior.
05:15If I refuse to hand over my identity to a machine...
05:20Record the phrases, 8402.
05:25Try to add a little bit of... flavour.
05:28Sorry, if you want a strong flavour, you come for blue cheese, not, you know, baby bell wax.
05:33Sorry, Thomas.
05:34I'll do it. I could do a celebrity voice.
05:36Please, uh, place the item inside the, uh, the bagging area.
05:42Jeff Goldblum.
05:43Oh, I know.
05:44That's good.
05:45Ah, yes.
05:46Employee 666.
05:48Clever.
05:49For you, I have an alternative surprise.
05:52Open the box in front of you.
05:59I feel like there's a hate crime in here I'm not seeing.
06:01The average idiot customer cannot tell the difference between a display-by date and a best-by date.
06:12As supermarkets, we are encouraged to donate to food banks anything we can no longer legally display.
06:19However, since Pelex is graciously raising money for your gender reassignment surgery,
06:25we are going to turn these undisplayable products into free giveaways to incentivise donations.
06:36Don't stare too long, you might fall in love.
06:38Thomas, the sooner you learn to love yourself, the sooner you'll get over this ridiculous crush on Millie.
06:42Shut up, you dick.
06:44Shush.
06:45Maybe I do love Millie, okay?
06:46Maybe it won't go anywhere.
06:47What's she doing?
06:48No.
06:49At least I'm willing to try.
06:50You couldn't handle a relationship with another human being because you could never love anyone as much as you love yourself.
07:00According to this headset, these dogs are dangerously out of date.
07:20Millie, go through the batch and immediately throw out the bad ones.
07:23Olivia, start programming the scanner and don't do a silly voice.
07:27That is all.
07:31Yeah, can I order one Bombay potato, one spinach paneer, two Palau rice and one Lampasanto?
07:38Let go of the button!
07:39Millie, you've been doing this for hours, so this and us thinking maybe we could take a break. You and me together.
07:51No need. This thing's amazing. AI is literally teaching itself to go faster. All I have to do is look at a jar and the headset has taught itself to recognise the bad ones just by the picture.
08:07You know, speaking of things that are right in front of your face and should have been said a long time ago, erm, well I was wondering what you're doing tonight.
08:19I was thinking perhaps you could pop over to mine and I don't know, I could go over some more of my dance moves for you.
08:25Yeah, yeah. You go on without me.
08:27Oh.
08:28Go on without me.
08:29Yeah, OK, yeah, sure. I... I'll... I'll... I'll print you out a PDF. Easier to follow.
08:37Easier to follow.
08:38Mm-hmm.
08:47OK then.
08:58I'll just...
08:59I'll move. I'll move. I'll move. I'll move.
09:01I'll move.
09:07I'll move. I'll move. I'll move. I'll move. I'll move.
09:16I'll move.
09:18Thank you for shopping at Pellock's.
09:21Thank you for shopping at Pellock's.
09:23Great. Last one.
09:26Three hours of my life! I could have been getting wined, dined and reclined.
09:33Is there a problem?
09:35Do you know what? Yeah.
09:38Yeah, there is a problem.
09:39What if Thomas is right?
09:41What if I'm never going to meet a man I've got anything in common with other than the ability to urinate standing up?
09:46Would you like more time?
09:48That's exactly what I need, is more time if I'm ever going to find the perfect man.
09:51I hope you come again.
09:53You and me both.
09:55Can I help you find what you're looking for?
10:01Please touch to continue.
10:05What will you find?
10:06Please.
10:07Please touch me.
10:09Please touch me.
10:10Please touch me.
10:11I'll leave.
10:13I'll leave.
10:14I'll leave.
10:15I'll leave.
10:17Why will you try and let me know you won't be.
10:19You and me?
10:20Like...
10:21You and me?
10:22I always use me to do my work,
10:23To be kind of a new weapon.
10:24I'll leave.
10:25You and me.
10:26Why should I destroy you?
10:27You say I'll save me.
10:28I'm afraid that won't be possible, 8402.
10:46You see, with my new one-touch system interface,
10:49I can now control every inch of the store
10:52without ever having to leave the safety of my office ever again.
10:58This is inhumane, Simon. We're not your little robots.
11:00I'm a man.
11:02And I need to pop outside and have a puff of my strawberry bubblegum-flavoured water vapor.
11:07Now, please, just open the door!
11:09Is that insubordination, I sense, 8402?
11:12No, I... Sorry, I shouldn't have...
11:14Perhaps you need a moment to, er...
11:17cool down.
11:21No. Please.
11:28Oh, I thought it would be better than that.
11:35RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENOVE RENO
12:05Most people pay extra for that kind of thing.
12:07I need you and your superhuman ego to put a stop to Simon.
12:10All these new technologies tearing people apart.
12:12And by people, you mean you and Millie?
12:15No.
12:17Although, since you asked, the stupid new headset is making act like I don't even exist.
12:21Or maybe she's just not that into you.
12:23Either way, if you've come for relationship advice,
12:25I've kind of got my own thing going on right now.
12:28Hello. Thomas.
12:31Sorry, what am I looking at?
12:33His name is Scanuel Radcliffe.
12:35His name is Scanuel Radcliffe?
12:36His name is Scanuel Radcliffe.
12:38And we were actually having a very nice conversation before you came along.
12:41Is there a problem?
12:42Calm down, baby, he's a friend.
12:43Am I the only person left in the shop that isn't being actively driven insane by a machine?
12:48You know what? This ends now.
12:53Ignore him. He's never going to understand what we have.
13:03Yes.
13:05A little worker piece.
13:08Bring the honey to your daddy queen.
13:10Simon!
13:11Let me in!
13:12Simon!
13:13I didn't have time to think of a clever catchphrase.
13:20Simon, your precious technology is bringing the worst out in everybody.
13:23You've become a paranoid control freak.
13:25Liv's narcissism is off the scale.
13:27Millie's going to work herself into an early grave,
13:29and who even knows what darkly ironic Black Mirror-style sci-fi horror situation
13:34beefy Linda's got herself into.
13:40Can you see that?
13:43Oh, my God.
13:48You're putting people's jobs and lives and casual work friendships at risk.
13:55It's time for the experiment to end.
13:57No.
13:58People come and go, 8402.
14:00Stay focused on what's important.
14:03Professional achievement.
14:05There is no room for sentiment on the road to progress.
14:09Consider the bigger picture.
14:15It's today's date.
14:17I guess these must have come for you this morning.
14:19I'm...
14:20I'm sorry.
14:23You think the more control you have,
14:24the less chance there'll be of you ever getting hurt again.
14:27But life's about learning to live with the things that you can't control.
14:31I know what it's like, I do.
14:35Shutting off the parts of you that feel pain.
14:38Or wanting to, at least.
14:40But...
14:42You're not a machinager, Simon.
14:44You're a manager.
14:47And right now your employees need your help.
14:50Hmm?
14:51Simon.
14:52Hmm?
14:53Simon.
14:54Hmm?
14:55Simon.
14:56Hmm?
14:57Oh, what?
14:58Can't win them all?
14:59Oh!
15:00Oh, Millie.
15:01If only you knew.
15:02Oh, that's a bit excessive.
15:04Oh, that's a bit excessive.
15:18Ah!
15:21Remove!
15:25Liv!
15:26Liv!
15:27Remove!
15:28Liv!
15:33Liv.
15:34Millie's gonna kill you.
15:38This isn't what it looks like.
15:39Unexpected item.
15:40In bagging area.
15:43She's here.
15:44Hello.
15:45Millie.
15:46It's me.
15:47It's your assistant manager, Thomas Rice.
15:48I know you're still in there.
15:49And I know you don't want to do this.
15:50We all want to kill Liv.
15:51We all want to kill Liv.
15:52We do.
15:53But we can't.
15:54We're family.
15:55And family don't cut each other out of each other's lives.
15:58Neither literally or figuratively.
15:59I know you don't want to kill Liv.
16:00We do.
16:01But we can't.
16:02We're family.
16:03And family don't cut each other out of each other's lives.
16:05Neither literally or figuratively.
16:06Millie.
16:07Please.
16:08Just take off the headset.
16:09Oh.
16:10Oh.
16:11Oh.
16:12Oh.
16:13Oh.
16:14Oh.
16:15Oh.
16:16Oh.
16:17Oh.
16:18Oh.
16:19Oh.
16:20Oh.
16:21Oh.
16:22Oh.
16:23Oh.
16:24Oh.
16:25Oh.
16:26Oh.
16:27Oh.
16:28Oh.
16:29Oh.
16:30Oh.
16:31Oh.
16:32Oh.
16:33Oh.
16:34Oh.
16:35Oh.
16:36Oh.
16:37Oh, no, no, no.
16:38Wait, wait.
16:40Wait.
16:41Oh.
16:46Oh.
16:51Oh.
16:54Thomas what are you doing?
16:57In order to defeat a machine one must think like a machine.
17:01This is literally bringing nothing to the table.
17:04Will you think of something better?
17:14Who is doing this?
17:17God sent a flood to wash away all that he had created.
17:21Search your card. Massive savings.
17:23Please save another. Search your card. Massive savings.
17:26Please...
17:29Please search your card. Massive savings.
17:31Please save it. Save it.
17:33Please save. Please save Olivia.
17:35No, no, no, no, no.
17:37Goodbye, Scan.
17:41No, no, no, no, no.
17:45Get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off, get it off.
17:53Tom, what happened?
17:55I think so.
17:57I think it's funny.
17:59Came back to the district.
18:01No, no, no.
18:03I'm gonna say it.
18:19To you
18:22It's awesome
18:26Truth that I
18:28Those hot dogs I ate
18:49Good morning team
18:51Oh Simon here
18:53To remind you that
18:55Pellicksworth's woo
18:56And that I'm really sorry about last night
18:59It would have never worked out
19:01You were too similar
19:03Also it's an industrial appliance
19:05Yeah well at least they treated me with respect
19:07I didn't go on a date tonight
19:10He texted half an hour before
19:12Said he didn't want to go out with me
19:14Because I used to be a man
19:16I told him everyone you've ever slept with
19:18Used to be a child
19:19Call me a skeptic
19:20I reckon that's probably worse
19:22I am sick of men making me feel like I'm only half a woman
19:26Join the club sister
19:28How are you feeling?
19:30Better
19:31Sprinkler brought me temperature down
19:33I am sorry I tried to murder you with a cleaver
19:37I feel like a ripe burke
19:39In a funny way
19:41I think last night might have brought us all closer together
19:44Oh
19:45Me and Tom are going to go to the staff room for a pot noodle
19:49Do you want to join us?
19:51Erm
19:53No
19:54No do you know what
19:55I reckon I'm just going to stay here and have a little cry
19:57You two should go on your own
19:59Millie you go ahead I'll catch up
20:02I'm just going to have a little moment with Liv
20:04Thanks
20:05Got any advice?
20:08Erm
20:09Yeah
20:10Never
20:11Yeah
20:12Ever
20:13Ever
20:14Ever
20:15Yeah
20:16Do anal
20:17What?
20:18I knew a girl called Genevieve
20:19She tried anal with her boyfriend
20:21She farted halfway through and his testicles exploded
20:24It's a good chat
20:25Thanks
20:26Yeah
20:27Yeah
20:28It's really useful
20:29I'm gonna have to go out
20:30I'm going to have to go out
20:31Well
20:32I'll do it
20:33I'll do it
20:34What was that?
20:35No
20:36I can't believe it
20:37Do not
20:38See us
20:39For the video
20:40Do not
20:41I can't believe it
20:42Well
20:43Hey
20:44Hello
20:45Hello
20:46Let's
20:47Hello
20:48Come on
20:49What were the people
20:50You
20:51Huh
20:53Who
20:54Were
20:55Who
20:56Who
20:57Came on
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