Breakups with a Fearful-Avoidant can feel confusing, dramatic, and frustrating — but you’re not powerless.
In this video, we’re going deep into their psychology, their routines of shutdown and push-and-pull, and what you can do to detach gracefully or reconnect safely if you wish.
✅ Whether you’re healing after a goodbye or wondering if there’s a way forward, you’re not alone — understanding their struggles can help you make peace with your own.
🔥 Don’t forget to subscribe for more expert guidance on relationships, attachment, healing, and growing after a breakup! 🔥
In this video, we’re going deep into their psychology, their routines of shutdown and push-and-pull, and what you can do to detach gracefully or reconnect safely if you wish.
✅ Whether you’re healing after a goodbye or wondering if there’s a way forward, you’re not alone — understanding their struggles can help you make peace with your own.
🔥 Don’t forget to subscribe for more expert guidance on relationships, attachment, healing, and growing after a breakup! 🔥
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00:00The Fearful Avoidant. Your ultimate guide to the most confusing breakup. Ever.
00:07Okay, let's talk about the weirdest, most confusing breakup dynamic on planet Earth.
00:12You know the one. You're dating someone. It's amazing. It's intense. And then bam! They vanish.
00:20Poof. Gone. You're left staring at your phone, wondering if you hallucinated the last six months.
00:26But then? Just when you've finally convinced yourself they were a figment of your imagination, you get a notification.
00:34They've just liked your Instagram photo from your trip to the beach in 2019.
00:41What? If this has happened to you, first of all, solidarity. Second of all, you are not crazy.
00:49You have just had a close encounter with a fascinating and totally bewildering type of person.
00:55The Fearful Avoidant.
00:57And today, we are going on a deep dive to crack this code together.
01:02We're going to unpack their secret playbook, figure out what is actually going on in their brain,
01:06and I'll give you the ultimate survival guide.
01:09This is gonna be wild. Let's get into it.
01:13So, what is a Fearful Avoidant anyway?
01:15Okay, so, to understand this whole thing, we first have to ask, what is a Fearful Avoidant?
01:21Imagine their heart has two giant buttons right next to each other.
01:25One is a huge glowing green button that says,
01:28Pull me closer, I want connection.
01:30And right next to it is a giant, flashing red button that screams,
01:34Abort mission, it's a trap.
01:37A Fearful Avoidant's entire life is spent just
01:40mashing both buttons at the exact same time.
01:43It's exhausting.
01:46They crave love and intimacy more than anything.
01:49But they are also terrified of it.
01:52It all comes down to this super simple, but really powerful equation their brain learned a long, long time ago,
01:59usually when they were kids.
02:01And that equation is,
02:02Love.
02:04Danger.
02:05Crazy, right?
02:06It usually happens if their childhood caregivers were super inconsistent.
02:10Like one minute they were warm and loving,
02:14and the next they were scary or distant.
02:17So, their little kid brain learned,
02:20The person I need to run to for safety is the same person I need to run from.
02:25That creates a total system overload,
02:29and their brain literally gets wired for this.
02:32Their amygdala, which is like the brain's tiny little panic button,
02:36is super sensitive.
02:38So when things in a relationship get too good,
02:41too close,
02:42too real,
02:43beep,
02:44beep,
02:45beep,
02:46the panic button gets pushed.
02:48Their brain gets flooded with stress juice,
02:51cortisol,
02:52and it does what it thinks it needs to do to survive.
02:55It hits cuttroll alt delete on their feelings.
02:58It's a total emotional shutdown,
03:00a freeze response.
03:02So, when they go cold on you,
03:05they're not trying to be mean.
03:06Their brain has literally entered safe mode
03:08to prevent what it thinks is a catastrophic system failure.
03:12Wild, I know.
03:14The four stages of their post-breakup meltdown.
03:18Okay, so now that we know why they're wired this way,
03:21let's get to the juicy part.
03:23What happens the moment you stop talking?
03:25Well, they launch into a super predictable four-stage process.
03:29It's like their own personal, chaotic, emotional rollercoaster.
03:34Buckle up.
03:36Stage one,
03:37the vanishing act.
03:39So,
03:39the second you stop talking,
03:41what happens?
03:42Do they immediately miss you?
03:44Do they cry into a pint of ice cream?
03:46Nope.
03:47The very first thing they feel is,
03:49get this,
03:51relief,
03:52a massive sense of,
03:54phew.
03:55It's because that internal war,
03:57that constant button mashing,
03:59is finally over.
04:01It's quiet in their head for the first time in forever,
04:04and it feels...
04:05good.
04:06So,
04:07their brain goes into cleanup mode.
04:10They start deleting photos,
04:11blocking you on social media,
04:13telling all their friends how free they feel.
04:16It's like a digital cleanse.
04:18They aren't doing it to be cruel.
04:20They're literally trying to scrub their brain clean of anything
04:23that might restart that internal battle.
04:27Stage two,
04:28the,
04:28I'm so over it world tour.
04:31Okay,
04:32but that quiet,
04:33zen-like relief?
04:34It doesn't last long,
04:36because you can't just delete feelings.
04:39So,
04:40welcome to stage two,
04:41the,
04:42I'm thriving performance tour.
04:45This is where they get busy.
04:47Like,
04:48ridiculously busy.
04:49They need noise.
04:51They need distraction.
04:52They need anything to keep from feeling the feels
04:55that are starting to bubble up.
04:57Their Instagram suddenly looks like a motivational speaker
04:59and a fitness model had a baby.
05:02They're running marathons.
05:03They're learning to speak Italian.
05:05They're posting a million stories of them out with friends,
05:09laughing,
05:09with captions like,
05:11living my best life,
05:12and unbothered.
05:14What they're actually doing is building a wall of fun
05:17between them and their own heart.
05:20Every party,
05:21every new hobby is another brick in that wall.
05:23It's a full-time job to convince the world,
05:26and mostly themselves,
05:27that they are totally,
05:29100% fine.
05:31Stage three,
05:32the cracks begin to show.
05:34But here's the thing about walls.
05:36They eventually crack.
05:38This usually happens a few weeks in,
05:40maybe a month or two.
05:41All that busyness starts to feel empty.
05:46And this,
05:46you guys,
05:47is where their programming does a complete 180-degree flip.
05:51This is the plot twist.
05:53Their avoidant side,
05:55the one that ran away,
05:57finally powers down from exhaustion.
05:59And their anxious side,
06:01the one that craves connection,
06:02logs on.
06:03Suddenly,
06:04all those feelings they pushed away come rushing back.
06:07The inner monologue goes from,
06:09I'm so free,
06:10to,
06:10oh my god,
06:11what did I do?
06:12Regret hits them like a ton of bricks.
06:15They start to miss you.
06:16A lot.
06:18They'll listen to your song.
06:20They'll look at your old photos.
06:22They'll start quietly stalking your social media,
06:25just to feel some kind of connection.
06:27The leak has officially started.
06:30Stage four,
06:31the weird text phase.
06:33Okay,
06:34so they miss you.
06:35They want to talk to you.
06:37Are they going to send a mature,
06:38heartfelt text explaining their feelings?
06:41Ha ha ha.
06:42No,
06:42absolutely not.
06:44That would be way too direct and way too scary.
06:48Instead,
06:49welcome to stage four,
06:51the breadcrumb phase.
06:53They start leaving these tiny,
06:55weird,
06:56totally deniable little signs that they're thinking of you.
06:59It's their way of testing the waters without actually having to get wet.
07:03This is where you get
07:04the accidental like on your photo from three years ago,
07:08the tick-tock of a cat playing a piano sent at 1 a.m. with zero explanation,
07:13the oops butt dial,
07:15the super vague hey text.
07:17Each one of these is a little question mark.
07:19They're basically whispering,
07:21hey,
07:22you still there?
07:23Do you hate me?
07:24Is it safe?
07:25They're desperately hoping you'll see their breadcrumb and say something nice back.
07:29So,
07:30what do you do?
07:31Your personal action plan.
07:34Okay,
07:34so now you know the secret playbook.
07:36Knowledge is power,
07:37right?
07:37So when you see those breadcrumbs,
07:39you have a choice.
07:41You're at a crossroads,
07:42and there are two paths you can take.
07:44Path A,
07:45the reconciliation quest.
07:47Difficulty expert mode.
07:49So,
07:49you think you might want to reconnect?
07:51Okay,
07:52welcome to expert mode.
07:53This path requires the patience of a saint and the heart of a lion,
07:57but it is possible.
08:00Step 1.
08:01Be the lighthouse,
08:02not the tugboat.
08:04Your job is to be a calm,
08:06steady light.
08:07Don't chase them.
08:08Let them sail back to you.
08:10Your superpower here is stillness.
08:12Step 2.
08:13The casual,
08:14cool reply.
08:16When that weird text comes in,
08:18your instinct might be to unleash all your frustration.
08:21Don't,
08:22just be cool.
08:23A simple,
08:24hey,
08:25good to hear from you,
08:26hope you're doing well,
08:27is perfect.
08:28It tells them it's safe without adding any pressure.
08:32Step 3.
08:34Name the game.
08:35Once you're actually talking,
08:37you can gently bring up the pattern.
08:39Hey,
08:40I've noticed that sometimes when we get close,
08:42things get distant.
08:44I'd love for us to be able to talk about it if it happens again.
08:48You're not blaming,
08:49you're team building.
08:51Step 4.
08:52Boundaries are your best friend.
08:55This is the most important part.
08:57You have to be clear about what you need.
09:00I'm open to seeing you,
09:01but I need consistency to feel safe.
09:04The disappearing act is something I can't do again.
09:08This is you,
09:09taking care of you.
09:11Path B.
09:12The I choose me power move.
09:14Okay,
09:15so maybe you're thinking,
09:17you know what?
09:18I'm tired.
09:19That is so valid.
09:21This path is about choosing your own piece,
09:24and it is the ultimate power move.
09:27Step 1.
09:28Become a gray rock.
09:29This is so cool.
09:31When they send a breadcrumb,
09:32you make yourself as boring as a gray rock.
09:35Your replies are short,
09:37polite,
09:37and give them nothing.
09:39K.
09:40Thanks.
09:41Hope you're well too.
09:43They will get bored and wander off.
09:45It's genius.
09:47Step 2.
09:48Go on a digital detox.
09:50Mute them.
09:51Block them.
09:52Delete their number.
09:52This isn't about being mean.
09:55It's about giving your own heart a break from the constant,
09:58what if.
09:59It's like putting a soothing balm on your brain.
10:03Step 3.
10:04Have your own closure party.
10:06You can't wait for them to give you closure,
10:08so you have to give it to yourself.
10:11Write down everything you want to say in a letter.
10:13The good,
10:14the bad,
10:15the angry,
10:15the sad,
10:16and then,
10:17have a little ceremony where you burn it or rip it up.
10:20It feels amazing.
10:23Step 4.
10:25Find the lesson.
10:26This whole experience wasn't a waste.
10:28It was a master class.
10:30Ask yourself,
10:31what did I learn about my own needs?
10:33What are my non-negotiables now?
10:36This is how you turn pain into power.
10:39Now,
10:40last but not least,
10:41the final level and your epic win.
10:44And hey,
10:44before we wrap up,
10:46if you're the person watching this video and thinking,
10:48oh my god,
10:49that's me.
10:50I'm the fearful avoidant.
10:53First of all,
10:54welcome.
10:54It's so awesome that you're learning about yourself.
10:58Please know this pattern is not who you are.
11:00It's just a strategy you learn to survive.
11:03But you can learn new strategies.
11:06Being aware of it is literally the first,
11:08most massive step.
11:11You are not broken.
11:12You are capable of so much love.
11:15And learning to feel safe in it is a journey worth taking.
11:18So for everyone watching,
11:20here's the big takeaway.
11:22Understanding this whole crazy cycle is not about manipulating someone or winning the breakup.
11:27It's about getting yourself back.
11:30It's about trading all that confusion for clarity.
11:32Whether you reconnect or you walk away with your head held high,
11:37you're learning what you need to feel happy and secure.
11:40And that is an epic win.
11:42You can't force someone else to heal.
11:45But you can always,
11:46always choose to heal yourself.
11:49Wow.
11:50What a journey.
11:52If this deep dive blew your mind as much as it did mine,
11:55smash that like button.
11:56And I have to know,
11:58drop a comment below and tell me about the weirdest breadcrumb text you've ever gotten.
12:03And of course,
12:04hit subscribe for more adventures into the wild world of the human heart.
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