- 12.6.2025
Kategorie
🎥
KurzfilmeTranskript
00:00:00Ich denke, es ist faszinierend zu sein,
00:00:15zu gehen zurück und haben eine wirkliche, chronische Blüe-Prinse
00:00:24in der 90er Jahre zu sein.
00:00:32Und ein Teil meiner Meinung nach ist,
00:00:34dass sie in der Teenage-Gerde-Gerde
00:00:37wusste, dass sie eine Geschichte zu erzählen hat,
00:00:39sie wusste, sie wusste, sie wusste,
00:00:42und sie wusste, dass sie alle fucking seconden von ihnen
00:00:45so dass sie sichern kann, so dass sie es, was sie zu erzählen.
00:00:54Musik
00:01:24Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:01:54Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:02:24Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:02:26Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:02:58Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:00Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:02Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:04Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:06Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:08Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:10Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:14Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:16Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017
00:03:20Johnny Depp and C. Thomas Howell in Bubbles, Michael Jackson's chimp.
00:03:25Literally, there were like 12 kids in the business, so we all knew everyone.
00:03:30We all knew each other.
00:03:32I was working on a show called The Outsiders. You were the first person I met.
00:03:35You were somebody that I looked up to, and when I got a chance to be on your show, I had such a crush on you already.
00:03:40Nice meeting you. Hi. Did you miss me?
00:03:45Hello. How are you? Today's Easter.
00:03:53I never felt like I didn't have my childhood.
00:03:56My brother, Mino, was six years older. He would constantly pick up that camera as well.
00:04:02Oh my God, Mino, you are such a dad.
00:04:04My mom was a single mom raising us. She had a catering business.
00:04:08My father was an actor. He, Marlon Brando, Paul Newman, were very good friends and had all been involved in the civil rights movement.
00:04:18You really believe that we will overcome, don't you?
00:04:22Yes.
00:04:23Put away.
00:04:25There's Rachel.
00:04:27He wasn't always there as a parent, but they were friends.
00:04:32There was tons of food, and it was really, like, laid back and fun. Everybody mingling and making a mess, and it didn't matter, and it was, like, easy going, and my house was the complete opposite of that.
00:04:46Your house had that feeling, like, that it was a safe place and that you could hang out there and be yourself.
00:04:54It was the most loving environment. Your mom was everybody's mom. It just felt like this home for so many people.
00:05:03It was a group of us, and we were all genuinely friends within our group.
00:05:09At that point in life, you have, like, no red flags to look out for. You have no hang-ups about anything. You're just, you're having fun.
00:05:17Like, you know, you're not concerned with having your heart broken or any of that. You just enjoy everything.
00:05:24It's in the 90s. No drugs.
00:05:26Yeah.
00:05:27Hi.
00:05:27We're chilling in SeaWorld.
00:05:29Yep.
00:05:30I'm in San Diego.
00:05:31What's up, Mr. Camcorder?
00:05:33Yo, we're here in San Diego.
00:05:36I'm taking over. I can't go on, no.
00:05:39I'm, like, 5'4", 70 pounds.
00:05:43It's the most awkward period in your life, right, is when you're probably 13 to 19.
00:06:00And that's when we were in front of the cameras.
00:06:07So what kind of roles did you get at?
00:06:09Should be really frank.
00:06:14I mean, let's get honest, right?
00:06:16After Punky, I did a pilot.
00:06:19The pilot did not go.
00:06:21I was excited to be in school, but I started developing.
00:06:26And I started developing rapidly, going from a B to a C to a double D to almost filling into an E.
00:06:37And this all happened between the time that I finished Punky until I was 15.
00:06:43Everywhere I go, people are like, oh, you're so grown up, you know, which was just another way of being, like, your tits are so big, you know?
00:06:50Now, you've gone ahead and grown up.
00:06:52I've grown up, yes.
00:06:53These things happen, right?
00:06:54Okay, yeah.
00:06:54You're a little Punky Brewster.
00:06:55Now you're a cute big Sule Moonfly.
00:06:58Are you ready for the clue puzzle round?
00:06:59I'm ready.
00:07:00Okay, okay.
00:07:00So the roles that I was getting offered at 13, 14 years old are all tits and ass roles, and I'm 13.
00:07:11I went from living this amazing childhood to almost being forced into adulthood.
00:07:20As I enter my teen years, I should feel good, but I actually feel sad.
00:07:25I should feel privileged instead.
00:07:26I feel deprived.
00:07:27We're all just a bunch of fucking lost angels trying to find our way to the right track.
00:07:31The rejection that you deal with as a kid, I thought it was pretty blunt growing up, like, the reasons for why you didn't get it.
00:07:40Like, ah, I just didn't like your look.
00:07:42Oh, okay.
00:07:43Yeah, I'll go process that.
00:07:44I think in piecing this together and reading my diaries, it was intense when I was young, but as a teenager, it was a whole other level of crazy.
00:07:55Because I developed so quickly, and men treated me more like a woman and not a 13-year-old.
00:08:03I remember walking on the stage of Saved by the Bell, and the director was saying, the minute you walk through these double doors leading onto the stage, you're no longer a child anymore.
00:08:11You're an adult.
00:08:12You have to act like an adult.
00:08:14And you're like, you know, you don't think much of it.
00:08:16You're like, okay, sure.
00:08:17But we all know what that meant.
00:08:19It's like, this is an adult business.
00:08:21You know, it's not, I feel, and that's one of the reasons I don't want my children in it, is because I don't feel it's a place for children.
00:08:27It's hard when you've got boobs and can't work in this business.
00:08:31It's really hard.
00:08:32I just want people to see me.
00:08:34For a person I am inside, in these last couple weeks, it's been weird, you know, with seeing older people and having guys pinch my ass, you know.
00:08:42It's a difference from when I was little, you know.
00:08:44Any time I would talk to a guy, he was looking straight at my boobs.
00:08:48So when I'd go to camp, people were calling me Punky Boobster.
00:08:51Mom, take a look at these honkers, man.
00:08:54You're not, you are not.
00:08:56You're close up.
00:08:58So everyone from my inner circle of friends to going out in the world, it just became, it became a punchline.
00:09:06It became a joke.
00:09:07Very scary.
00:09:20Yeah?
00:09:20Shaking.
00:09:21Yeah.
00:09:21How are you dealing with that?
00:09:22Um, I'm going to do something that's going to make me feel better about myself, so.
00:09:27Hello.
00:09:27Hello.
00:09:28Sorry.
00:09:29Well, you better come and see me.
00:09:31I will.
00:09:31Now, should I come and see you at the hospital or at home?
00:09:33No, you can come visit me at home.
00:09:34Okay.
00:09:36I mean, is it a big operation?
00:09:37Oh my God, yeah.
00:09:39It's a major.
00:09:40It's going to be a six-hour operation.
00:09:42What?
00:09:44Isn't that insane?
00:09:47It's about 4.30, 5 o'clock in the morning.
00:09:50I'm going in for my operation.
00:09:51It starts at 7.30.
00:09:53I'm scared.
00:09:54Very scared.
00:09:56But I'm excited.
00:09:58Mmm, your palatial ride to the butchery.
00:10:02Shut up.
00:10:03It's a good thing.
00:10:03This is Brina, our supervisor.
00:10:10Hi, how are you?
00:10:12Can you see me?
00:10:13I've been here, 20 years.
00:10:14I've never left anybody's phone number one.
00:10:16Oh, that's my boss.
00:10:19Oh, how old is she?
00:10:2013.
00:10:21That's sweet.
00:10:22I've never left anybody's phone number one.
00:10:25I've never left anybody's phone number one.
00:10:30I've never left anybody's phone number one.
00:10:31Dad, stop.
00:10:31Will I need service for you?
00:10:33What do you mean?
00:10:34No, no, no.
00:10:34Virgil, don't make me dizzy.
00:10:36He's so terrible.
00:10:42They'll come in, they'll get you all situated.
00:10:46Get yourself comfortable.
00:10:48Gentle, son.
00:10:49I squeeze and release.
00:10:51Gentle.
00:10:51I'm in pain.
00:11:04I'm okay.
00:11:05Come over here.
00:11:06But you have to be careful.
00:11:09Okay, all right.
00:11:15Your shirt's all wet.
00:11:16It's fine.
00:11:16I just gotta go wash it.
00:11:18Turn it up.
00:11:20I love you.
00:11:22Now, I'm gonna be able to be this person
00:11:25that I've wanted to be for so fucking long.
00:11:28I'm gonna be able to have my own identity.
00:11:32I've just made a change that's gonna affect me
00:11:34for the rest of my life.
00:11:35And I'm happy.
00:11:36I'm not gonna be known as a punky boobster.
00:11:40I'll be able to run around wild and be free.
00:11:44I've learned a lot.
00:11:45So, like, you're transcending into a new person.
00:11:51And, um, I think you should be proud of yourself.
00:11:57So, like, I can't believe you used the word fuck
00:11:59in your message.
00:12:00You should not be saying the F word on the machine.
00:12:02What if some press people called or something
00:12:04and they hear little cute Soleil Moon Frye Punky Brewster
00:12:07saying the word fuck?
00:12:10Not smart.
00:12:11Call me, buddy.
00:12:12It was this very complicated thing
00:12:21because I wanted to be grown up so badly.
00:12:26But punky resonated so much with people.
00:12:30They don't necessarily want that person to grow up, right?
00:12:33I hope you stay small because I love talking with small girls.
00:12:36Thank you.
00:12:36Will you come back again?
00:12:37Yes.
00:12:37It's a pleasure meeting you.
00:12:38Thank you very much.
00:12:39She was only seven years old.
00:12:40She was pulling in 10,000 fan letters a week.
00:12:44Now actress Soleil Moon Frye is 16
00:12:46and speaking out on important teenage issues.
00:12:48Why did you go public with the breast reduction story?
00:12:51Well, I wanted to be able to talk to young people
00:12:55and tell them what I went through
00:12:56and dealing with insecurities as a young teenager
00:13:00and confronting my womanhood was hard enough
00:13:03let alone having this deep insecurity
00:13:05which was my breast.
00:13:06I was so righteous in a way
00:13:09that I thought, okay, I have this new body.
00:13:13People will really see me for who I am
00:13:16and I'll be able to be taken more seriously.
00:13:20Action!
00:13:22Fucking hit her, man.
00:13:23She came out of fucking nowhere.
00:13:24It's our fault right here.
00:13:25Where the fuck is she?
00:13:27Cut!
00:13:27Where the fuck is she?
00:13:29Where the fuck is she?
00:13:31I can't find the signs.
00:13:32Did you just tell me what it is?
00:13:33You guys, this is serious stuff.
00:13:35Serious shit.
00:13:37Can I just say like half of shit
00:13:38and not say that?
00:13:41I felt like if I shouted at the top of my lungs
00:13:44and I was brave
00:13:45that the world would be accepting of that.
00:13:49Okay, well, maybe you'll...
00:13:50This is really wild.
00:13:51Okay, that's...
00:13:52This makes any height.
00:13:53That's David there.
00:13:54How are you?
00:13:56I'm walking the floor over you.
00:13:59I'm walking the floor over you.
00:14:05I'm walking the floor over you.
00:14:07I'm walking the floor over you.
00:14:15So it didn't change the fact
00:14:19that people still didn't take me seriously.
00:14:23I think that's where I started really questioning myself
00:14:32and feeling more lost.
00:14:35You know, at that point,
00:14:37I thought I was on top of the world.
00:14:39But the lowest point was when I did my record.
00:14:44Hip-hop was my thing.
00:14:45I grew up listening to NWA and, you know, all that.
00:14:49And, like, of course I made a hip-hop album.
00:14:52It's what I knew.
00:14:54I remember people not reviewing it well,
00:14:56and that was the first, like, experience I had
00:14:59with failure at something.
00:15:01So I remember at that point, like, going,
00:15:04holy shit, people don't like me?
00:15:06And, you know, that's when you start getting in your head
00:15:09and you start worrying about what you're wearing
00:15:11or how you're walking or what you're doing
00:15:13or how you're perceived.
00:15:15It was the first time that I was, like,
00:15:17really aware of learning to be who I wanted to be.
00:15:30I think for me,
00:15:32picking up the camera was a way of controlling it.
00:15:37A way of saying, fuck you.
00:15:39I have my camera and I'm going to be an artist.
00:15:42This is real.
00:15:45What's up?
00:15:47Is that a video camera?
00:15:50I've never seen a video camera like that.
00:15:52Hi!
00:15:53Video camera, say hi!
00:15:54Are you serious?
00:15:55Yes!
00:15:56Let me see the other side.
00:15:58Turn this way, 72.
00:16:00You always feel like.
00:16:03Does it crack out?
00:16:04Like, every time you put me on this camera,
00:16:06press the button exactly.
00:16:09Ooh, hash brown.
00:16:11This is man's ingenuity right here.
00:16:14I started just documenting
00:16:17documenting the world around me,
00:16:18documenting my friends,
00:16:20filming our lives.
00:16:25Camera!
00:16:27Is that sound and everything?
00:16:29What's that?
00:16:29How can you see me in that thing?
00:16:31It never was a thing like,
00:16:33okay, Soleil's carrying a video camera around.
00:16:35We never thought,
00:16:36oh, well, she's going to use that
00:16:38in a way that's going to come back and haunt us.
00:16:40You know, nowadays you see a flash go off
00:16:42and it's like this thing in your stomach
00:16:44that goes, what was I doing at the moment
00:16:46that flash went off that can be used against me?
00:16:48That's probably good that you did that
00:16:49or we wouldn't have any of that footage, you know?
00:16:52Tell me a little philosophy in life, baby.
00:16:55Uh, the philosophy in life is that you should meet
00:16:57Soleil on Friday night once upon a time.
00:17:00That's what I think.
00:17:01Hello.
00:17:02So what philosophy in life?
00:17:04I'm starting to try to only be dependent upon myself.
00:17:09Not be dependent on anyone else.
00:17:12You know what I'm saying?
00:17:13This ain't no video in it for shit.
00:17:15I don't know.
00:17:17We were concerned about the internet.
00:17:19It was pre-internet exploding, right?
00:17:24So people's relationship with the camera,
00:17:26nobody was on all the time.
00:17:29They were just being themselves.
00:17:31So what's your philosophy?
00:17:32I mean, what attracts you to men more than women?
00:17:35It's something I'm just born with,
00:17:38a feeling I have.
00:17:39Is everything you made about sex in this movie?
00:17:43No, I'm not Madonna.
00:17:45Tell me the philosophies of life, please.
00:17:47The philosophies of life,
00:17:49is to have as much fun as possible
00:17:53without hurting anybody along the way.
00:17:56You're going to have so many hours
00:17:57of boring videotape on there.
00:18:06Who are you calling?
00:18:07Mike and my mom.
00:18:09Get slow down, dude.
00:18:11I just beeped you.
00:18:12Call me back.
00:18:14I want him to get charged for the call.
00:18:17So like, can you get that camera any closer?
00:18:19I don't know.
00:18:20I'm trying.
00:18:21I love you.
00:18:23You know, I'm going to have to dinner tonight.
00:18:25No matter where you...
00:18:25Have fun, guys.
00:18:26Thank you.
00:18:27Good.
00:18:28History was just kind of chugging along
00:18:30until the 90s and it went...
00:18:33It was 40 minutes of non-stop.
00:18:37K-Rock, Jane's Addiction, Erasure,
00:18:39InXS, English, Beat, Primal Scream, U2,
00:18:41and sometime real soon,
00:18:43tickets to the replacement show.
00:18:47We're going to be on our way to Santa Barbara by now.
00:18:49We're going to be on our way.
00:18:50Jenny, what are we going to do?
00:18:51I think we're going to jail.
00:18:53I just hope he doesn't find my gun.
00:18:57Shut up.
00:18:59I'm kidding.
00:19:00Do you have anything on you?
00:19:02Yeah.
00:19:03Are you kidding?
00:19:05Weapons?
00:19:06Artillery?
00:19:07No, like, any, like...
00:19:08Drugs?
00:19:13Got some of those, too.
00:19:14We did so many of the things that teenagers did.
00:19:18We just happened to be in Hollywood.
00:19:21I'm really scorned.
00:19:24Woo!
00:19:29You don't need drugs to be cool,
00:19:31and if you have any problem,
00:19:32please call L'chaim Delight.
00:19:34L'chaim?
00:19:35How was that?
00:19:36How'd you have a look?
00:19:37I can sneak out with friends,
00:19:39tell my mom that I was going out
00:19:41to hang out with friends,
00:19:42and I could go to any club and get in.
00:19:45The first club that we really started going insane at,
00:19:48was bar one.
00:19:49I don't know what was fucking insane.
00:19:54You don't have to take drugs to be cool.
00:19:56You're cool within yourself.
00:19:58Believe in yourself.
00:19:59Believe in what you can do,
00:20:00and you can make anything happen,
00:20:02anywhere.
00:20:03Just say no.
00:20:04If somebody offers you,
00:20:05if somebody wants to study drugs,
00:20:06say no.
00:20:07Say hell no!
00:20:09I used to say just say no to drugs,
00:20:11and now I'm just too busy saying yeah.
00:20:14You're listening to 106.7, Kara.
00:20:16Next up, we got Punky Brewster,
00:20:17and she's going to discuss candidly
00:20:19her bounce with alcoholism,
00:20:21heroin abuse,
00:20:22and teenage prostitution.
00:20:23Am I right?
00:20:24No, no.
00:20:25All right, well, pick one of them.
00:20:26There we go.
00:20:28Oh, yeah!
00:20:30Oh, yeah, baby.
00:20:31Oh, yeah, baby.
00:20:35Ew, ew, ew.
00:20:37Ew, ew, ew.
00:20:41We got away with everything.
00:20:43It got pretty crazy.
00:20:44It was like our 60s, right?
00:20:56You threw up.
00:20:57Should I just toss it in?
00:20:58You can't watch me taking this fucking shit.
00:21:01It's so gross.
00:21:03Give me a second.
00:21:04You're going to take a hit of this, Lee?
00:21:05No.
00:21:05No.
00:21:05No.
00:21:05No.
00:21:06No.
00:21:06No.
00:21:07No.
00:21:07No.
00:21:08No.
00:21:08No.
00:21:09No.
00:21:09No.
00:21:10No.
00:21:10No.
00:21:11No.
00:21:11No.
00:21:12No.
00:21:12No.
00:21:13No.
00:21:16I'm so fucked up.
00:21:18It's ridiculous.
00:21:21Come here.
00:21:21Come here.
00:21:22Give me your hand.
00:21:22Let's go.
00:21:23Give me your hand.
00:21:23Give me your hand.
00:21:24I am tripping hardcore.
00:21:26I love it.
00:21:26Oh, my God.
00:21:27You guys take this thing.
00:21:30Where's my lighter?
00:21:30It's OK.
00:21:31Where's my lighter?
00:21:32Oh, my God.
00:21:33I found another one with your body.
00:21:36I'm in fucking ecstasy.
00:21:37Check it out.
00:21:38Look at this one.
00:21:40Look at this one.
00:21:41Let me see it.
00:21:42Can I have it?
00:21:42Oh, shit.
00:21:43Hold on.
00:21:44Will you let me have it for a little while?
00:21:45I'll babysit.
00:21:46It's raining.
00:21:47It's raining.
00:21:48It feels so cool.
00:21:49Look at the raindrops.
00:21:50Oh, my God.
00:21:51Look at the raindrops.
00:21:52Wow.
00:21:53Do you feel queasy?
00:21:54Do you feel happy?
00:21:56All of a sudden, you like the place that you're in,
00:21:58and the car is nice.
00:22:00I like the car now.
00:22:01I didn't like the car because I wasn't friends with the car.
00:22:04But now I'm friends with the car, so now it's fine.
00:22:07I like the raindrops.
00:22:08Where is the cigarette next to you?
00:22:10There.
00:22:12I think I've fallen in love.
00:22:16I honestly do, and I'm kind of scared.
00:22:18What do you think about that?
00:22:19I really don't want anybody to ever see these times,
00:22:20because you look at me!
00:22:22I have such a soft spot in my heart for mushrooms, I must tell you,
00:22:41because of that experience.
00:22:43Our lives were very full.
00:22:45My birthday was last weekend.
00:22:46It was really rad.
00:22:47Everybody showed up.
00:22:48There's the most gorgeous guy, Johnny Depp.
00:22:49It's my future romance.
00:22:50Charlie Sheetan is pretty good to solve them.
00:22:51Well, someday I hope I'll marry one of them.
00:22:52I just wonder what I'll be like when I get older.
00:23:06I had a lot of crushes as a kid.
00:23:10I think I was always trying to find my true love, and I wanted to find true love.
00:23:17Hey, what's up?
00:23:18This is Mark Wahlberg calling for some lady.
00:23:20Just call her to say hi.
00:23:22I'm serious to call Mark back.
00:23:25I was the kissing queen.
00:23:27The funniest is that I was the last virgin of all my friends.
00:23:40I was a big talker.
00:23:43Not having a traditional childhood or a father that was always around,
00:23:49I think part of me really wanted to feel accepted.
00:23:55I met Danny through a friend.
00:24:00He was really my best friend.
00:24:07He saw the creative in me, and he also accepted me for me.
00:24:14Those early memories of us, I remember being really, really joyful.
00:24:23Today it's Danny.
00:24:24I hope to see you at 9 o'clock.
00:24:26Bye-bye.
00:24:27He had this group that he was in called House of Pain.
00:24:45And House of Pain came out, and it was the biggest album at the time.
00:24:53Jump Around was everywhere.
00:24:56It was the hit song.
00:24:58Every club you went to, they were playing Jump Around.
00:25:00Everywhere you went.
00:25:01He was getting to the height of his fame, and there was cars, and girls, and Hells Angels,
00:25:07and actors, and rappers, and everybody wanted to be around him.
00:25:11And he was really the life of the party.
00:25:14And somehow, he wanted me a part of it.
00:25:18I had my video camera, and he encouraged me to document it all.
00:25:29He's like, here's our world.
00:25:31You're an artist.
00:25:32Go ahead.
00:25:33Roll the camera.
00:25:34Girl, you're gone.
00:25:35Girl, you're gone.
00:25:36You served your whole damn life to be on.
00:25:51Danny's world was wild. It was rock'n'roll with hip-hop.
00:26:11It was confusing. We would both be dating other people, but then we'd kiss, but we were best friends.
00:26:24And it was like a fucking volcano, and it was building and building and building until it erupted.
00:26:31And then we had to face the consequences of living on that edge.
00:26:36There are times in our lives that a poet needs freedom. Fly high into the world of music and imagination.
00:26:43Be you. Be free. From the world to the line to sea.
00:26:47Tell me a story, Danny.
00:26:50Damn. Do all girls know that line or what?
00:26:55They just don't know any stories. They only know bad stories. No good stories. No romantic stories.
00:27:00I'll tell you a story right now. Stories on the album.
00:27:06Anyway, we used to say that if you wait a week, everything will be okay, but then everything gets fucked up again.
00:27:17Things change, so I...
00:27:19You should have had me happy days.
00:27:36It's my sleep, Danny. Fuck God. This is what life is like. It's the wrong time to be alive.
00:27:46I think that as he was going down this darker path, that he knew it was time to pass the torch, in a way.
00:27:57Please. You're not in a good mood.
00:28:12Good. This is what I want on tape.
00:28:14Soleil not smiling for once, like the whole world thinks she always is.
00:28:18I think we all must have felt lonely in some ways, or at least some of us more than others.
00:28:43I know that in retrospect, in watching these videos.
00:28:48In watching the videos where friends were so obviously reaching out for help or listening to the audio tapes and realizing that...
00:29:04Some of my friends really needed to be heard and to have a friend listen.
00:29:15I didn't hear it, and I didn't see it.
00:29:19I only see it in retrospect.
00:29:2220 some odd years later.
00:29:26So tell me the philosophy of life and the happiness of it.
00:29:33I haven't found it. That's why I'm an unhappy person with myself.
00:29:36And what happened?
00:29:38Yeah, I told my mom that I was insane today, and she cried.
00:29:42But the sad...
00:29:44You hear it saying?
00:29:45Yeah, that's the sad thing.
00:29:46I mean, everybody thinks about suicide, but...
00:29:49I mean, I've really, really contemplated it.
00:29:54Stop the camera, please.
00:29:57And they end up committing suicide.
00:30:03And I didn't see it back then.
00:30:06Soleil, this is Jonathan. I don't know if you got my message last night.
00:30:09Soleil, this is Jonathan. You paid.
00:30:11Soleil, it's Jonathan. It's about 10 o'clock on Thursday.
00:30:14You're not home. Where the hell are you? You know what? You need a pager.
00:30:17When I hear Jonathan's recordings over and over,
00:30:20and the amount of love that was there.
00:30:24And...
00:30:25that he must have been going through so much pain.
00:30:32Rise and shine, sleepyhead.
00:30:37And if I could come over for the holidays,
00:30:39it would be my pleasure, and I love you, Soleil.
00:30:44I found a diary the other day that...
00:30:48said that we had spoken about getting married someday and having a family.
00:30:53I love you, Soleil.
00:30:55I love her.
00:30:56Okay.
00:30:57I've always loved her.
00:31:01One.
00:31:03Hello Soleil. It's Rodney. Where are you?
00:31:06Well, give me a call if you want, but I just wanted to say hi.
00:31:11All right. Bye.
00:31:14I don't know.
00:31:15Sometimes people...
00:31:17just are kind of done with this world.
00:31:21As sad as that sounds.
00:31:23They just... it's too painful.
00:31:24It's like they've done it, and...
00:31:26they just don't want to anymore, which is really sad because...
00:31:30it gets better, and...
00:31:32you know, life's...
00:31:33worth fighting for.
00:31:35How do you remember so far back?
00:31:44I'm sorry you're not there, baby. This is your daddy.
00:31:54Stay home because the cops are out, and gangs are out, and...
00:31:59people are burning down East Los Angeles again.
00:32:02and... for good reason, fortunately.
00:32:09There's gonna be another one, you guys.
00:32:12Well, it's obviously...
00:32:13it was a...
00:32:14fairly large quake.
00:32:15I would just...
00:32:16I love you, bye. I'm glad we heard it.
00:32:20Attention all units and stations.
00:32:22Attempt to locate 187.
00:32:23Suspect in a white.
00:32:251993, Fort Bronco.
00:32:27Is there a caller?
00:32:28And that's the name of the user.
00:32:29He is.
00:32:32This is really the first time...
00:32:41that...
00:32:42I'm trying to just strip away...
00:32:45the mask...
00:32:51all of it and just...
00:32:52go, here I am.
00:32:56I drank whatever they gave me.
00:33:02I don't know what happened.
00:33:12Not a thing.
00:33:14I swear to God.
00:33:15Yes.
00:33:16You tell me?
00:33:18Yes.
00:33:19But you could have?
00:33:20Yes.
00:33:21Very much so.
00:33:22You kept...
00:33:23You don't have to love me.
00:33:24And someone wanted to kiss me.
00:33:25Not how I remember it.
00:33:26I remember it.
00:33:27You leaning over and kissing me.
00:33:29And then...
00:33:30the next thing I remembered...
00:33:31was being on the doorstep.
00:33:32But I didn't drink.
00:33:35Of course you did.
00:33:36No, I didn't.
00:33:37No.
00:33:38Okay.
00:33:39Well, maybe it was just...
00:33:40that's what you...
00:33:41Okay.
00:33:42I can't even think right now.
00:33:51Have to start.
00:33:52People Magazine cover recently.
00:33:54Yeah.
00:33:55Big story on you.
00:33:56Let me tell you why I bring that up.
00:33:58Because we've done shows with kids your age...
00:34:00Yeah.
00:34:01Talking about the peer pressure.
00:34:02Right.
00:34:03And the fact that you were gutsy enough to come out and say,
00:34:04hey, listen, fight it.
00:34:05You don't need that.
00:34:06Exactly.
00:34:07Right.
00:34:08You're a virgin, everybody.
00:34:09Yes.
00:34:10I am a virgin.
00:34:11And I am proud of it.
00:34:12And the reason I talked about it...
00:34:13was because I believe that young people should have the right to say no.
00:34:15A lot of young women don't know that they have the right to say,
00:34:19wait a second.
00:34:20I want to wait.
00:34:21Let's go and get tested together.
00:34:22You know, there's a lot of scary diseases that young people are confronted with.
00:34:25And as young women, I think that we have the right, and also as young men,
00:34:29to say, wait a second, let's wait.
00:34:30Let's see.
00:34:31Let's make sure we're in love.
00:34:32Let's make sure that, you know, that we can trust each other.
00:34:35And what are you talking about?
00:34:38Sex?
00:34:39Sure thing of sex is really nice, but I think that's only if you use it as a form of recreation.
00:34:44If you use sex, not to prove to someone, but for people to show how they really feel
00:34:49about each other.
00:34:50I think sex bonds people.
00:34:52That's kind of like two different things.
00:34:54You could be raped, and that wouldn't be like having sex.
00:34:57I had an incredible childhood, a single mother, whom loved us with all her heart, a father
00:35:07who, although he was not always there, told me he loved me forever, and I believed him.
00:35:11My brother helped raise me and always made me feel safe and cared for.
00:35:14I grew up playing make-believe.
00:35:16I loved acting, and it was part of my everyday.
00:35:18I was still 100% a kid and daughter.
00:35:21Laughter filled our house often.
00:35:23We were never forced in front of the camera.
00:35:25It was something we wanted to do 1000%.
00:35:27We went to summer camp and celebrated all holidays, traveled the world, and had wonderful
00:35:32friends.
00:35:33I'm an incredibly nostalgic person, and I think much of that is due to the love that existed
00:35:39around.
00:35:42I met him somewhere around 17 or 18.
00:35:45I was drawn to him immediately.
00:35:48He wrangled me with his sweet charm.
00:35:50I wanted to give in to the sweet and loving person that he was, but there was also another
00:35:54side that existed who was hard and tough, harsh and cold.
00:35:58We were making out and getting close to me finally letting go of myself, almost ready to
00:36:03give my innocence to this person that I cared about deeply.
00:36:06As he laid on top of me, I realized I was not ready.
00:36:09Frustrated, he did not roll over or get up and leave the room.
00:36:14Instead, he chose to thrust himself in me, at which point I tried to push him off.
00:36:19He got up and left the room.
00:36:20I was in shock.
00:36:22We had not made love.
00:36:24We had not had sex.
00:36:25It was a thrust.
00:36:27But my 17-year-old mind and body was confused.
00:36:32What happened next was something I'll never forget.
00:36:34I walked into the next room where he sat, obviously upset with me watching TV and without looking
00:36:39me in the eyes, he said, so how does it feel not to be a virgin anymore?
00:36:43He asked if I would say he raped me, but I wouldn't.
00:36:53I was also to blame for my forwardness.
00:36:56I do not regret my actions.
00:37:01Like I've always believed, let the pain be my scars.
00:37:08And this person has a million faces that I still love.
00:37:14The water is clear and pure.
00:37:16If a bug lands in the water, you don't drink it.
00:37:19It's no longer clean.
00:37:21You look for another glass of water.
00:37:26I dance upon this glass of water in front of me with the bug floating on top.
00:37:29And I wonder how symbolic this is to me.
00:37:39I never really dealt with it because I never shared it.
00:37:42So I just locked it away.
00:37:44I locked it away in my vault and I wrote this happy story or this story that was really joyful
00:37:56for me that I could wrap my head around.
00:38:00And that was just a part of my life that I put in a vault that I never wanted to open up.
00:38:07And so I wasn't comfortable talking to my mom or my brother or my family or my friends.
00:38:14And I just locked it away my whole life.
00:38:18And it's only been through this experience that I've even had to face it.
00:38:30So it goes to this whole thing around memory and are our memories real?
00:38:36Or are they the stories that we want to tell ourselves?
00:38:39You know?
00:38:44Hello?
00:38:45Hello?
00:38:46Soleil, are you there?
00:38:47You're not there.
00:38:48It's Charles calling.
00:38:49December 18, 1994.
00:38:53I lost my virginity.
00:38:55He was my first.
00:38:57Who would have known?
00:38:58It's been the most strange and incredible day ever.
00:39:04So let me fry.
00:39:06I don't truly know how to explain my feelings.
00:39:09He's somebody I've had a crush on for years.
00:39:11He's a person that intrigues me and excites me.
00:39:18We smoke a cigarette.
00:39:20He whispers softly as he simply asks what my fantasies are.
00:39:24Hey Soleil, it's Charles calling.
00:39:27It is Wednesday night at about 11 o'clock.
00:39:32And somebody got to talk to him.
00:39:35Are we on right now?
00:39:37We are special FBI agents.
00:39:39And we're under a special mission to figure out how he was.
00:39:45That story sways for Jim.
00:39:47So far, all we know is he's a 29-year-old Caucasian male film actor.
00:39:51We don't know he's Caucasian.
00:39:52Yes, we do.
00:39:53Oh, we do.
00:39:54It's been established.
00:39:55Oftentimes, ventures off to Japan to make million-dollar commercials.
00:39:58Soleil, what's with the camera?
00:40:00What's with the camera?
00:40:01What's with the camera?
00:40:02What's with the camera?
00:40:03Come on.
00:40:04Was it, was it Kiana?
00:40:05Billy Baldwin?
00:40:06The tape is almost at the end, so you have to end this tape somehow.
00:40:09The tape's at the end.
00:40:10It's almost at the end.
00:40:11You know all about how these things work, don't you?
00:40:13The tape's at the end.
00:40:14I think I was drawn towards the extremes because I wanted to feel it all and I wanted to experience
00:40:26it all.
00:40:27And I don't know if it goes back to my relationship with my father, my relationship to men that
00:40:38need to feel loved.
00:40:40We had some life lessons to learn, so back then I didn't quite understand how real it
00:40:49got at certain moments in time.
00:40:52Life gets rough.
00:40:54It was all kind of innocent to begin with.
00:40:59Then it just started progressive as it does, getting a little more insane and different
00:41:05drugs started coming into play.
00:41:08Acid mushrooms and coke and then crack and heroin.
00:41:16But we smoked it.
00:41:18I never did anything else than that, but that was enough.
00:41:22I mean, I always did this little thing where I'd do it and then not do it for a long time,
00:41:28where I wouldn't get so super strung out or anything.
00:41:31Which isn't any excuse, but it maybe kept me from dying.
00:41:37You know what I mean?
00:41:39It got dark for a while.
00:41:41Did Paul talk about it at all?
00:41:43There was a few years stretching there where it seemed like I was losing a friend every week.
00:41:54You know, you would hope that you lived to be old and, I mean, that's probably the fairy tale.
00:41:59Shant, do you want me to go in your car?
00:42:04You should go in your car.
00:42:05I'll step up with you.
00:42:15What do you think of this place?
00:42:17Do I think of this place?
00:42:18I have a lot of thoughts on this place.
00:42:22I've decided that I probably want to check something else out for a while.
00:42:26This place makes me pretty upset.
00:42:30You know, what does it do to you?
00:42:38By 18, I was ready to move out of Hollywood.
00:42:42I had experienced some pain.
00:42:46I had lost some of my innocence.
00:42:49And I was ready to move on, to be honest.
00:42:52I was ready for the next stage of my life.
00:42:5418 years old, next to me, yeah.
00:42:57You're going to be 40.
00:42:59Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:43:02You and I, we like to think about, hmm, that would be amazing.
00:43:07I'm going to try that.
00:43:09I think I was trying to find something more, and I wanted to be taken seriously by my peers, by my craft.
00:43:17It was almost like you wanted to, it's all in the same vein of, like, wanting to capture as much life, have as much life, have as many experiences as you can.
00:43:30And I thought there was no better place to do it than the actor's studio and going to New York City.
00:43:35I thought there was a big crack across my camera lens.
00:43:37Should I do that in your lens?
00:43:38Yeah.
00:43:39Try to lick it.
00:43:40It looks fucked up.
00:43:41It looks cracked, bro.
00:43:42Is it?
00:43:43Alright.
00:43:44I think you see a big deal.
00:43:47This is my voice.
00:43:48Excuse me.
00:43:49I need to shower some stuff right now.
00:44:14Ich liebe dich, meine Baby-Kick. Das ist meine Baby-Kick. Das ist meine Baby-Kick. Und ich bin so stolz.
00:44:31Ich bin so stolz.
00:44:34Das ist meine Baby-Kick. Das ist meine Baby-Kick.
00:44:41Das ist meine Baby-Kick.
00:44:45Sollum und Freie ist auf in der Room, für eine letzte Zeit.
00:44:51Ich habe eine Mom-in-Love-Package für Sie für die Jahre.
00:44:54Aber jetzt habe ich Ihnen eine meiner Lieblings-Protektiv-Pieße.
00:44:58Und das ist meine Buddha Bracelet.
00:45:01Ja, schoss ich mich.
00:45:03Ich bin so stolz.
00:45:08Okay, dich zu sch terminar.
00:45:10Ich bin so stolz.
00:45:13Ich bin so stolz.
00:45:18Ich bin so stolz.
00:45:23Ich bin so stolz.
00:45:27Wir sind jetzt schon wieder auf dem Flugzeug.
00:45:29Wir sind jetzt schon wieder auf dem Flugzeug.
00:45:31Wir sind jetzt schon wieder auf dem Flugzeug.
00:45:34Oh mein Gott.
00:45:39Ich bin so glücklich.
00:45:42Ich bin so glücklich.
00:45:46Das ist jetzt schon bereit für die Schule.
00:45:48Ich bin jetzt schon fertig.
00:45:50Das ist mir, wie ich an der Sommer Camp mit meinem Familie.
00:45:53Und sie drogen ihr, und ihr sagt, okay, bye, und ihr seid dann alle, weil ihr so jung ist,
00:45:59und es ist so der erste Mal in der Welt, mit so vielen neuen Leuten.
00:46:02Und so ist es, wie es, es ist so eine neue Zeit, also es ist wirklich schwer.
00:46:06Mom, ich liebe dich.
00:46:07Ich liebe dich.
00:46:09Ich liebe dich.
00:46:10Ich liebe dich.
00:46:11Ich liebe dich.
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00:48:52You're not there. It's Charles calling. I'm on the set.
00:48:56Long time, no talk.
00:48:58And then the person I lost my virginity to, my Florida experience,
00:49:03he came back around and he was my Mr. Big,
00:49:08would take me to the Yankee game.
00:49:13I remember going opening day and it being springtime
00:49:18and it's snowing in New York and I was there with him
00:49:21and we cheered and laughed.
00:49:23We smiled and yelled out under the ice cold.
00:49:26It began snowing and it was like a surreal dream,
00:49:29white snowflakes falling across beautiful faces of the American dream.
00:49:34He leaned in and kissed me as he played with my hair
00:49:37and asked what I did to it.
00:49:39I told him I left it alone.
00:49:41Then he began caressing my face and asked what I did to it.
00:49:45Did you leave it alone?
00:49:46He said sarcastically with a smile and then we held each other.
00:49:51He said how much I've matured into a beautiful young lady
00:49:54and how New York really shows up me.
00:49:57And it was this realization that this person that was older than me
00:50:01that did care about me was seeing me growing up.
00:50:08Today I love New York.
00:50:09I've been everywhere in New York today.
00:50:10I feel a timescrabber.
00:50:11It was awesome.
00:50:12I love it.
00:50:13Last night I had so much fun.
00:50:14We just walked and it's awesome.
00:50:17This is the first time Soleil's doing laundry in about two months.
00:50:21First time I've ever done laundry on my own.
00:50:23And I smell because everything I own right now reeks.
00:50:26All my socks go like ass.
00:50:27Laundry is a really important thing, okay?
00:50:30Yes.
00:50:30For me as an artist, I just wanted to drink it all in.
00:50:53I felt like I was alive when I was in the rawness of it.
00:51:00I was fascinated by skate culture.
00:51:02When I see this group of kids jumping into a taxi cab and I run over and it was Justin Pierce.
00:51:11And he had just done this film Kids.
00:51:13You guys are so out of here.
00:51:15I'm like way behind.
00:51:17It's like a dream.
00:51:26I'm listening.
00:51:46It's like a dream.
00:51:47No games with no beer, no smooth as loafers
00:51:49Bar's hot, it's toaster, stack a brand like Oprah
00:51:52To the streets the closest, felt God like Joseph
00:51:55Feeling deep with emotions, yeah
00:51:56Headed to this party in the city on 9th Street
00:51:59Just came here to chill like Rye Isley
00:52:02Supreme t-shirt, Nike Ducks, now Flossie
00:52:04Smirk on my face cause I know they can't stop me
00:52:07I might hit the stairs real quick like Rocky
00:52:09Don't feel as well, don't feel as well
00:52:10It was the beginning of an incredible journey
00:52:12With these skaters that became my family
00:52:17Where's my weed thins, where's my weed thins
00:52:21You got a shit in your ass
00:52:25New York City, skateboarders, Selassie, Jack, Rastafari
00:52:34Pretty much weed thins right here
00:52:37Pretty much
00:52:38The Punky Brewster right here
00:52:40The past few days were like a movie
00:52:46The kids showed up and I filmed them
00:52:49Through the people of my door
00:52:50I then knew it would be an adventure
00:52:52They piled into my house with 40s and blunts
00:52:55A wild bunch of skaters
00:52:57Who in the midst of the struggle
00:52:58Find peace in the positive vibe of Rastafari
00:53:01Leave it to me to fall
00:53:03For this straggly kid, Justin
00:53:05He along with the others
00:53:07Passed out of my apartment
00:53:08I found myself under my red light
00:53:11Kissing this youth who told me
00:53:13He would have to hold on to me for a while
00:53:14So he kept asking where I came from
00:53:17It was sweet for the time it was happening
00:53:19Justin and Justin Pierce introduced us
00:53:23Press that button in the back, yo
00:53:26Press this button right here
00:53:28When we're all in the frame
00:53:29Here
00:53:30And this one
00:53:36The little, like, from California
00:53:38How did you go to Corona, Queens?
00:53:41I never really met someone with a bubbly spirit like that before
00:53:47You were just so, like, open-eyed to everything
00:53:49But, like, looking back, of course
00:53:51Because you were a kid
00:53:52And you were in New York City in the 90s
00:53:53I would have been, like, open-eyed like that, too
00:53:56The camera and our face all the time
00:54:02I was, like
00:54:02You used to take that thing out everywhere
00:54:07You really did
00:54:08You guys weren't just my friends
00:54:17You were my family
00:54:18Slash bodyguards
00:54:21It's great how you meet someone
00:54:28And it just changes your life, you know
00:54:29You meet someone, you connect
00:54:31And then certain kids just, boom
00:54:33They gravitate to each other, you know
00:54:34That's what happened, right
00:54:37That's what happened
00:54:39I remember Harold Hunter living in your closet
00:55:09This is Esther, Esther
00:55:14One in the house, four o'clock in the morning
00:55:18What's up with you?
00:55:19Harold, what were you just gonna wake me up or what?
00:55:25I heard you talking to yourself, so
00:55:29I'm not turning the door
00:55:30Sorry about that
00:55:39He was a special kid, man
00:55:41He was so young
00:55:44He was so talented
00:55:45Handsome
00:55:46Tough
00:55:47Really harsh family background
00:55:51Didn't know who his father was
00:55:52That was his pain, you know
00:55:55He never knew who his dad was
00:55:56You know
00:55:57Everyone's like, oh, he's crazy
00:55:59People are crazy for the reasons, you know
00:56:01It's like something happened to them
00:56:03Along the way
00:56:04To make them who they are
00:56:05You don't just be wild and crazy
00:56:08For no reason
00:56:10That's all pain, you know
00:56:13It breaks my heart
00:56:15It really does
00:56:16I think about it all the time
00:56:18I have so much guilt that I didn't know I had
00:56:30Until I started watching the tapes back
00:56:36Until I started piecing this together
00:56:48How often do we really look at somebody and say
00:56:56How are you?
00:56:57And actually hear them back
00:56:58And so that's why this process has been like
00:57:02These fucking blinders coming off
00:57:04I don't think I've been living a lie for the last 20 years
00:57:09But I certainly haven't been fucking listening
00:57:11So now that they're off
00:57:15Now that I've opened Pandora's box
00:57:17I can't put any of this back
00:57:18I feel definitely closer to you since
00:57:21Since Andrew
00:57:24Yeah, we reconnected through Andrew
00:57:33And I have a hard time
00:57:34You know
00:57:37He's my only brother
00:57:40I loved him so much
00:57:41He was a brilliant
00:57:42Beautiful
00:57:43Quiet
00:57:44Special kid
00:57:46What's your philosophy on life?
00:57:50Life can end at any moment
00:57:51You gotta live it to your fullest
00:57:52And try new things
00:57:54That shit his brother told him
00:57:56What?
00:57:57No, it's the truth
00:57:58And, you know
00:58:00Do what you can
00:58:03Thanks
00:58:05Bye-bye
00:58:06It doesn't seem like he can be gone
00:58:13Life is beautiful
00:58:24And it's messy
00:58:25And it's
00:58:26It's complicated
00:58:29I'm just a little bit caught
00:58:37In the middle
00:58:38Life is a maze
00:58:41And love is a riddle
00:58:43I don't know where to go
00:58:47Can't do it alone
00:58:49I've tried
00:58:51And I don't know why
00:58:55I reached out to Danny
00:59:00And I asked him if I could come out
00:59:03And talk to him
00:59:04It's this crazy thing
00:59:05When you haven't seen somebody
00:59:07For over 20 years
00:59:08I didn't know
00:59:12What the response would be
00:59:15You said that
00:59:17Someday
00:59:18You wanted to find serenity
00:59:19Did I?
00:59:20You did
00:59:21Do you think you found it now?
00:59:24Uh
00:59:24More of it
00:59:26But I think it's something
00:59:28You have to search for
00:59:28On a daily basis
00:59:29I don't think that
00:59:30I just wake up serene
00:59:31I think it's
00:59:32You for sure got taller
00:59:34I feel much better now
00:59:35I uh
00:59:37I have to work at it
00:59:39I don't know that
00:59:40I'll ever feel
00:59:40Completely serene
00:59:42I don't know
00:59:42That's my
00:59:43In my DNA
00:59:44Tulsa is a much more
00:59:46Serene place for me
00:59:47But
00:59:49It takes some
00:59:50Getting used to as well
00:59:51December man
00:59:52Like it never
00:59:53It never looks like
00:59:54The Zales commercial
00:59:55You know
00:59:55It's always missing
00:59:56A few things
00:59:57That I think in my mind's eye
00:59:58That like my life
00:59:59Should have
01:00:00And then you guys
01:00:00Showed up
01:00:01It's like
01:00:01Ah
01:00:01Like the star
01:00:02On the Christmas tree
01:00:03Now it's like
01:00:04It looks perfect
01:00:05I feel like I'm in some
01:00:08Time warp
01:00:09I know
01:00:10Hold on
01:00:11I haven't seen you
01:00:14In 20 something years
01:00:16So it's been
01:00:16It's been a forever
01:00:18They had fast cars
01:00:24And I was dead set
01:00:26On like
01:00:26Wrapping one of those cars
01:00:28Around a telephone pole
01:00:29Or you know
01:00:30Blowing my brains out
01:00:31Or doing too many
01:00:32Like we were living
01:00:33On the edge
01:00:34It's mind boggling
01:00:36That I'm still here
01:00:37We thought we were
01:00:38Fooling everybody
01:00:38But we were clearly
01:00:39Drug addicts
01:00:40And you didn't want
01:00:41To see that in me
01:00:42And so you got off
01:00:43The train at the right
01:00:43At the right station
01:00:44So I'm glad
01:00:45That you didn't have to see
01:00:46You know
01:00:48That was just
01:00:48The tip of the iceberg
01:00:49So much of what I wondered
01:00:52Was did things happen
01:00:54The way I remember them
01:00:55Was it as real
01:00:57As I remembered it
01:00:58And
01:01:00Was it something
01:01:02That we both experienced
01:01:05Yeah absolutely
01:01:06My love for you
01:01:07Your love for me
01:01:08That time
01:01:09Was a special
01:01:10Magical time
01:01:11And I knew that
01:01:12You know
01:01:12Nothing could diminish that
01:01:14May you
01:01:16Or you
01:01:17Have a great day
01:01:18You know
01:01:19I know
01:01:19I know
01:01:20You know
01:01:20You know
01:01:20I know
01:01:21I know
01:01:21I know
01:01:22I know
01:01:22I love you
01:01:22Oh, oh, oh
01:01:25Oh, oh, oh
01:01:29Oh, eh
01:01:30Oh, oh, oh
01:01:34Oh, oh, oh
01:01:49I stepped out of the darkness
01:01:50I never realized I would be coming of age again as an adult.
01:02:12And I think in reliving my youth, I'm coming of age all over again.
01:02:20I didn't know what true self-love was until this process.
01:02:43Now that I see it, to have not seen it makes you wonder how many other people are walking
01:02:52around the world feeling so unloved.
01:02:58I look at somebody like Brian and our friendship and history and I look at the diaries and he
01:03:05always showed up.
01:03:06Over the last 20 years, I had questioned what those friendships meant.
01:03:12I've bumped into you so many times over the last however many years and when I've bumped
01:03:16into you, because we're so preoccupied with our families, I felt like, like, does that
01:03:21history not really exist?
01:03:22You know?
01:03:23In a weird way.
01:03:24You know, I see you now, but I see us then.
01:03:35Being an adult and learning who I was and what life was meant to be, that was with you.
01:03:46That won't ever change.
01:03:47I can't believe you have this.
01:03:53You know, we would just talk for two, three hours at night if we hadn't seen each other
01:04:00that day and even, you know, fall asleep on the phone and we were just so close.
01:04:11I don't think I realized that not only did I love people, but I was loved.
01:04:21When you share, truly share, meaning your pain, your laughter, your love, your fears,
01:04:30your doubt, you realize you're not alone, because you share the same doubts that I share,
01:04:37you share the same fears that I share, by you sharing this and by sharing your experience
01:04:42and these tapes, you're giving all of that its ultimate purpose, which is to be shared.
01:04:49It's not supposed to be in a box.
01:04:52To you, Soleil, where are you?
01:04:57Are you still true at 16, 17, 18, even in your late 20s?
01:05:04Have the journeys made you strong?
01:05:07Have you found a place to belong?
01:05:10At this point in time, I am still young, only close to 16.
01:05:15I live often in my dreams, trying to stay a unique human being.
01:05:20I've learned that one can never win the game when you play to win.
01:05:25I have truly learned to love and trust myself and to ultimately believe in infinity.
01:05:31So where am I at this time, my best friend?
01:05:36What does our destiny hold?
01:05:39Who have we fallen in love with along the way?
01:05:43Who do I make love with in the midnight hour?
01:05:47Have I made my life worthy?
01:05:51I have so many questions, but I shall not know the answers until the time comes.
01:05:59So believe, and you will forever be me.
01:06:04Love Soleil, March 1992.
01:06:08Tonight, I think I'll just settle for going to the movies and getting popcorn with my friends
01:06:14and not having to be something that I'm not, you know?
01:06:17Growing ever so worst in pain.
01:06:20What's gonna happen to you?
01:06:21Can I just dance?
01:06:22I don't want people thinking that I'm some lunatic, like a girl that just slips cigarettes.
01:06:28Cigarettes and stuff like that, because that's not true.
01:06:31I'm not driving care.
01:06:33It's not worth it, right?
01:06:35My pretty, I'm not great.
01:06:37I think it's gonna be a lot of fun, right?
01:06:39I gotta get ready to go and be a fucking teenager.
01:06:44Peace out.
01:06:46Oh wait, I have to show you something that I found.
01:06:51Oh my gosh, are we gonna see stuff?
01:06:53I have diaries too that I'm gonna read you, if that's okay.
01:06:56Or at least let you read to yourself.
01:06:58The story of my life with this camera.
01:07:01Oh my God.
01:07:04There's the rainbow shirt.
01:07:06Yeah.
01:07:07I was scared you were gonna pull up that rainbow jacket.
01:07:10Okay, it is what it is.
01:07:11There's not many people who got the balls to go out and just, you know,
01:07:14say fuck the world and do what they want to do.
01:07:17And a lot of those people who do, don't ever get, you know, their day in the sun, man, until they're dead or gone.
01:07:24And I gotta get mine now and then, you know.
01:07:26Soleil filmed another thing about me about two years ago.
01:07:30So this is her little document of my growth.
01:07:33I've grown at least three inches or four inches since then.
01:07:37Yeah, yeah.
01:07:38And it's bigger too.
01:07:39Check it out.
01:07:41Oh my gosh.
01:07:43This is so crazy.
01:07:45Yeah.
01:07:48Wow.
01:07:49You were supposed to swivel the thing.
01:07:52Look at me.
01:07:53China directs you.
01:07:54When they see a bunch of kids on a skateboard, they think they're gonna start trouble and shit.
01:07:57They just borked, they old.
01:07:59I went for it in the 90s.
01:08:01I mean, I had fake fur coats.
01:08:03I mean, I had bleached hair.
01:08:05I mean, I was a fucking freak.
01:08:07So you thought I was a jerk?
01:08:09A little bit.
01:08:10Tell me our motorcycle story.
01:08:13Yeah.
01:08:14So, yeah, I mean, we had stolen the motorcycle.
01:08:18You look like my daughter.
01:08:21It gives me such anxiety.
01:08:24Cabby dude drove right over my foot, bruh.
01:08:28We are in love.
01:08:29We are all in love with different guys.
01:08:32And here I'm gonna tell you how we feel about each person.
01:08:36Okay, I'm in love with Jelly Roll.
01:08:39I'm in love with Mark Paul.
01:08:40I'm in love with all these guys.
01:08:42Can't call Bob because that's fucking lame.
01:08:44I already called Bob.
01:08:46As a kid you sort of, you just freely like go through life and it doesn't matter.
01:08:54And that's the beauty of being a kid is that it doesn't matter.
01:08:57Like you get to just smile and have fun and do whatever.
01:09:01I wouldn't change the time continuum.
01:09:04Like I wouldn't adjust any.
01:09:06All the errors and mistakes and things I wish I could take back brought us to right here, right now.
01:09:12To have you here at this time in my life to discuss how our lives came together in that time.
01:09:18Everything is perfect.
01:09:20Do you think things happen the way we remember them?
01:09:23I do.
01:09:25For sure.
01:09:26And then you can, you have an artistic license.
01:09:29You're telling the story.
01:09:30So if you want to be the hero, go ahead.
01:09:34You know, it's your story.
01:09:36It's your story.
01:09:39Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
01:09:44Ben!
01:09:45Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
01:09:51Here's to you, here's to me, Bob.
01:09:53Here's to you.
01:09:54I will see you.
01:09:55Oh, yeah, oh, oh, yeah.
01:10:00Well, we know where we're going, but we don't know where we've been.
01:10:09And we know what we're knowing, but we can't say what we've seen.
01:10:18And we're not little children.
01:10:23And we know what we want.
01:10:27And the future is certain.
01:10:31Give us time to work it out.
01:10:40Yeah.
01:10:42We're on the road to nowhere.
01:10:50Come on inside.
01:10:54Take a night ride to nowhere.
01:10:59We'll take that ride.
01:11:03I'm feeling okay this morning.
01:11:08And you know, we're on the road to paradise.
01:11:16Here we go.
01:11:18Here we go.
01:11:20The past, the present, the future, it all just exists.
01:11:25I tell you, I'm just going to go back.
01:11:38There we go.
01:11:39Now, I love it.
01:11:41And if anyone can picture it, the present.
01:11:44That's awesome.
01:11:45All right.
01:11:46Oh.
01:11:47Here we go.
01:11:47Man.
01:11:48Look.
01:11:49Oh, sure.
01:11:51Hey, thanks.
01:11:53We 我們.
01:11:55We're on the road.
01:11:57Feel free.
01:11:58We want to on the road.
01:11:59Our road.
01:12:00So we consider so far and so far.
01:12:03So, I would like to put the future of that race.
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