#CinemaJourney
#Family
#Guy
#Family
#Guy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV, but where are those good old fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:13Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to keep his handle. All the things that make us laugh and cry. He's a family guy.
00:33Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. The hot new reality dating show, Sex Farm, is coming to Quahog.
00:38Contestants conceal their identities by dressing as farm animals in hopes of finding love.
00:43Auditions are being held all week at the long, empty Miramax offices downtown.
00:48Imagine naming a company after your mother and then molesting everyone who comes in.
00:52Auditions? Maybe I can meet my person.
00:55Your person? Oh, is your person a good human? You're gonna post your engagement ring with,
01:00So this just happened? You're gonna hashtag van life? You're gonna get murdered in Florida?
01:05No one's gonna look for you, you basic white bitch.
01:08This is gonna be awesome. I'm gonna try out.
01:10Well, good luck. I hope your reality show goes better than mine did.
01:14This season on Alone, 12 contestants will be dropped in the wilderness.
01:18Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate. Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:23Remember, you're on camera, so don't masturbate.
01:25I didn't even make it to the ground.
01:27Thank you for coming in today, Meg. We're excited to see if you have what it takes to be on sex farm.
01:36Thanks. So, is there anything I need to do for this audition?
01:39No. Most of modern auditions is just us going through all your old tweets to see if there are any racist or homophobic slurs.
01:45Now, I see you've never retweeted Bo and Yang. Why?
01:50I see that I was wrong, and I now understand comedy is mostly about getting angry at funny things.
01:56You're in.
02:00This season on Sex Farm, we're in Quahog, Rhode Island, with an all-new cast of horny livestock.
02:11What's going on, guys? It's me, Cory, from Cory's World.
02:14After being virally ambushed while screaming at my stepmom in a Walmart,
02:18I've taken a demotion from YouTube to network television,
02:21and I am totally less profitably stoked to be your host tonight on Sex Farm.
02:27Let's get to know these filthy animals.
02:30No middle-aged spinster here. I'm just a frisky little pussycat.
02:38I'm here because sleeping in a barn is preferable to an unfurled wrestling mat.
02:42I'm ready to swine and dine. Oink-oink, boink, boink.
02:48Yuck! The herd will decide who stays to continue their journey for love
02:52and who gets put out to pasture.
02:55All part of the barn dance here on Sex Farm,
02:57where our pronouns are yee and hae.
03:01I-I don't get that.
03:02Hey there. Nice ass. I'm wondering if you're down for some pork-in.
03:15Oh my, that's going right at it, isn't it?
03:18Sorry, little piggy. I think youse is slopping at the wrong trough.
03:21Oh, uh, sorry.
03:24Oh, hey there. Nice ass. I'm wondering if you're down for some pork-in.
03:29I had to take 80 milligrams of Thorazine because I'm having a claustrophobic freak-out in here.
03:34So, pass.
03:36Wow, you really packed that away in a hurry.
03:44Thanks. I may be dressed like a pig, but I have two stomachs like a cow.
03:49You're funny.
03:51It's not really a joke. I'm not expected to lift past 40.
03:54Looks like I made it just under the wire.
03:56I'm only 18.
03:58Oh, your Liberty Mutual tote bag threw me off.
04:00It's how I carry my loose fruit.
04:02I like you. You don't try very hard.
04:04Oh, I'm trying very hard.
04:07What's going on, guys? It's your boy, Cory.
04:12Be sure to check me out on Cameo.
04:14The producer said I couldn't mention it, but I'm betting they don't even watch the show.
04:18So, a big part of finding love on the farm is having our contestants go on dates
04:22and then be surprised by a musical act you've never heard of.
04:26I couldn't believe it. We walked around the corner, and there was Barton James.
04:31Won't you hold my hand?
04:35Oh, my God.
04:36I love this song.
04:41Barton James and a girl in a pig mask?
04:43Yeah, it was a pretty good day.
04:48Check it out, guys.
04:49Barton James' new album, Country Girl, is now available exclusively on Deezer.
04:54We had to say that or he wouldn't show up.
04:56Devout Christian Barton James was unvaccinated and a general pain in the ass to deal with.
05:03What's going on, guys?
05:04Dates have ended, and it's almost time to find out who's got the heat and who's being turned into meat.
05:09Fan favorite the cow is recovering nicely from his panic attack at Group Coop.
05:13I don't really care if I fall in love. I just need to be done with this show, like, as soon as possible.
05:19I haven't taken a normal breath in three days.
05:24Guys, if you or someone you know is struggling with anxiety or depression, go to sexfarm-bummedout.com.
05:31Wildcard's pig and chicken really hit it off at the group Feces Bath.
05:35Let's see if their connection continues on their mandatory reality show helicopter ride.
05:40I really like spending time with you. You're so spontaneous.
05:52I really like you, too. And I'm sorry for that fart you're gonna smell.
05:56I knew you wouldn't hear it, but I didn't think it was gonna be as bad as it was.
06:01I actually did hear it, and I think I might be falling in love with you.
06:08Hey, guys! What was the one rule I had?
06:11No farting in the helicopter.
06:13No farting in the helicopter.
06:14No farting in the helicopter.
06:15I killed bin Laden. Now I'm doing this.
06:22Before we find out which couple will be the first put out to pasture,
06:25we're gonna put up a QR code that's a direct link to Deezer,
06:28where you can hear Bart and James' duet with Kyle Rittenhouse.
06:33And the first eliminated couple is...
06:36Pig and Chicken!
06:42Which means fan favorite cow remains on the farm.
06:45I told producer Josh I desperately want to go home.
06:49Pig and Chicken, turn in your hay and head to the slaughterhouse.
07:02Hey, I'm sorry I dragged you down.
07:04And I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of Bethany Frankel.
07:07That was Bethany Frankel? I thought it was a scarecrow.
07:10Well, the crows were scared.
07:13Is she gone?
07:14I don't know. I mean, I want the corn, but I don't want to have to hear about how much trouble she's having dating.
07:19Well, I guess this is it. It was nice while it lasted.
07:25Wait! Pig!
07:26Yes?
07:27I don't even know your name.
07:29I'm Meg.
07:30I'm just worried you won't be as attracted to me when I take this off.
07:34You're dressed like a pig.
07:35I'll take my chances.
07:40I was right.
07:41You are prettier than a pig.
07:43Your turn.
07:44And I don't care what you look like under that mask.
07:47That's good because...
07:49I'm a chicken.
07:50My name is Nugget.
07:51My name is Nugget.
08:01Wait a minute.
08:02You're not related to the giant chicken, are you?
08:04He's my dad.
08:06What is it, Peter?
08:10I forgot to go to college.
08:12Oh, Meg, there you are.
08:17Sit down.
08:18We're watching Sex Farm.
08:19Have you seen it?
08:20Mom, I was on it.
08:21I was the pig.
08:22What?
08:23Yeah, I don't remember that either.
08:24But check it out.
08:25The cow escaped, and then a fan vote brought him back.
08:28They caught him hiding on one of those Chick-fil-A billboards.
08:31Once again, please stop voting for me.
08:34This is a cry for help.
08:35I swear to God, I'll jump.
08:37That guy is so funny.
08:38I'm gonna vote for him a hundred times.
08:40Well, have fun.
08:41Where are you going all dolled up?
08:43What?
08:44Oh, that is not offensive to dolls.
08:46Stop trying to make yourself angry.
08:48I have a date.
08:49With who?
08:50Um, nobody, you know.
08:52See you later.
08:54She's dating again?
08:55Whatever happened to that illusionist she was seeing?
08:58I never left, Peter.
09:00Wow.
09:01Wait, why are you still here?
09:02Well, I'm an illusionist, so I'm either homeless,
09:04or I have a $100 million residency in Las Vegas.
09:08Oh, my God, the cow is really gonna jump.
09:10You made me do this.
09:12This is on you, Producer Josh.
09:15I'm all right.
09:16I landed just so.
09:22It's so cool learning about your world.
09:24So, okay, tell me this.
09:25Is Colonel Sanders like your Adolf Hitler?
09:27No, the Colonel is an honest man.
09:29Our Adolf Hitler is Kenny Rogers with his stupid Kenny Rogers roasters.
09:33Kenny Rogers?
09:34The gambler?
09:35Oh, no, not the gambler.
09:38He was the narrator who met up with the gambler
09:40and then shared things he had learned from the gambler,
09:43but at no point was the gambler.
09:45Well, all I know is that he looked like he was 40
09:47from the time he was 20 until the time he was 90.
09:50And died unable to close his eyes, yes.
09:52Now, how about that picnic?
09:55When a girl loves a chicken
10:00Can't keep her mind on nothing else
10:04She's ready for work for the good things she's found
10:08When a girl loves a chicken
10:17I know exactly how she feels
10:23Oh, that was the best night's sleep I've had in ages.
10:39I love you, Meg.
10:40And not just because you have Egg in your name.
10:42I love you too, Nugget.
10:44I want to keep seeing you, but what if our dads find out?
10:47I guess we'll have to live a lie, like George Santos.
10:50Hi, I'm Gay Straight Jewish Nazi George Santos,
10:54and I approve this message, which is to say
10:56it's the worst thing that's happened to me since I died on 9-11.
10:59Good morning night.
11:00This was written 18 months ago, new lies not included.
11:09Nugget, what are you doing here?
11:11I was in the neighborhood and thought we could Netflix and chill or Peacock and
11:14Peacock!
11:15Somehow we don't have Seinfeld or friends and we can't show you the Cosby Show.
11:19Hey Meg, can you give me a hand clasping these Mystic Team medallions?
11:22I have an event.
11:23Who's your fine feathered friend?
11:25Dad, this is my boyfriend Nugget.
11:27His father is the giant chicken.
11:29That's it, young lady.
11:31No Peacock for a month.
11:33No Peacock?
11:34But where will I watch the Croods?
11:36That's not my problem.
11:37Peacock, I don't think we have the West Wing either.
11:44Of all the chickens Meg could have chosen, she had to choose that one.
11:47Now Peter, you gotta back off.
11:49My father never stopped berating me when I was dating you,
11:52so as an act of defiance I married you just to spite him.
11:55That seems irrelevant.
11:56I don't know Lois, it feels like I've lost my daughter.
11:59Which means I have two sons.
12:01If I'm lucky they'll join the army,
12:03and I'll be notified that they both died on the same day.
12:17Your two sons died getting their heads shaved at orientation.
12:20They didn't even make it to the barracks.
12:22Oh, the cost of freedom!
12:24Here's a flag we didn't bother to fold.
12:26I really want to thank you for inviting me to dinner, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin.
12:35Hey Nugget, you ever seen that video of Fabio getting hit in the face by a goose?
12:39It's hilarious.
12:40Not for the goose.
12:41She was killed.
12:42Oh, then that's doubly funny.
12:44Fabio's got a bloody nose and a bird is dead.
12:46Mr. Griffin, that goose had a name.
12:48It was Evelyn, and she had 23 children.
12:51Here, let me show you her GoFundMe page.
12:53What's your guy's Wi-Fi password?
12:54It's chickens are scum and then 22 exclamation points.
12:58It's on the bulletin board for when we Airbnb'd a house.
13:00Peter, we are not Airbnb in the house.
13:03Eh, it might be too late for that.
13:04Hey, is there any soap in the upstairs bathroom?
13:07If you read the PDF, it said you had to bring your own soap.
13:10Well, I'll just use the shampoo with soap.
13:12He's a medical student.
13:13You know, you guys are being very rude to my boyfriend.
13:16I love him.
13:17I've had enough.
13:18Meg, I'm giving you an old tomato.
13:21And a final demand or statement of terms,
13:23the rejection of which will result in retaliation
13:25or a permanent cessation of relations.
13:27You either break up with him or you break up with me.
13:30You can't date us both.
13:31Dad, you and I aren't dating.
13:33Oh, so you've made your choice then.
13:35Well, I'd like my tomato back.
13:37I'll pack my bags.
13:40What bags?
13:41She literally owns nothing.
13:47Guys, before I go, I have one thing to say.
13:49Is this a pause the last of us type of conversation
13:52or can I uh-huh my way through this?
13:54Peter, turn it off.
13:55Uh-huh.
13:56If you don't accept Nugget, you don't accept me.
13:58I'm moving in with him.
14:00You know what the British are gonna call us?
14:01Megxit.
14:02They're a clever little island.
14:04Meg, please don't go.
14:06You're my only daughter and I can't imagine living without you.
14:09Plus, I need your vote to keep a Billy Bass out of our living room.
14:12I'm sorry, Mom.
14:13My decision has been made.
14:14Goodbye.
14:17Well, now seems like a good time to reopen the Billy Bass vote.
14:20All in favor, say aye.
14:21Aye.
14:22All opposed?
14:23Nay.
14:24Present.
14:25Coward.
14:26Billy Bass approved.
14:28Billy, what do you think Meg's gonna say to the Uber driver?
14:31Take me to the river.
14:35Drop me in the water.
14:37Ah, we are thriving without Meg.
14:44Is something wrong, Peter?
14:45You barely touched our food.
14:47I heard from Bonnie that Meg moved out of the house and Lois could never breastfeed.
14:51What?
14:52How'd you hear that?
14:53Oh, Bonnie subscribes to a service that alerts her anytime another mom fails.
14:56That's wild.
14:57I know.
14:58Donna gives Cleveland Jr. unlimited video game time, but Peter, isn't it weird with Meg out
15:03of the house?
15:04Ah, it's fine.
15:05Well, we got a lot more mice around the house now.
15:07Mice?
15:08Yeah, Meg handled all our rodent problems.
15:10She used to just squeeze them and pop their heads off.
15:13All except one that she'd leave alive to run and go tell the story to the others.
15:17Meg's a nice girl.
15:18Yeah, when I remodeled my house, Meg hauled away all the discarded insulation.
15:21Don't know what she did with it.
15:22Oh, yeah.
15:23Meg's great.
15:24She sold me a ton of insulation.
15:25Super cheap.
15:26Oh, my God.
15:27You guys are right.
15:28This one time, Meg fell down the stairs and she broke her clavicle.
15:32You guys, I think I miss Meg.
15:39What?
15:40Was there gonna be more to the story about the stairs?
15:42What do you say we go to the giant chicken's house and get my daughter back?
15:46I'm in.
15:47Let's do it.
15:48So the laughing was cause your daughter hurt herself?
15:52Honey, did you order a fat bag of crap?
16:00Stand aside.
16:01I'm here to get my daughter back.
16:03She's not coming with you.
16:04She's perfectly happy here.
16:06Are you sure?
16:07We can make this worth your while.
16:09We're prepared to trade Brittany Griner.
16:11Hey, stop trading me.
16:12I just wanna play basketball.
16:14And smoke weed, apparently.
16:15I wasn't smoking it.
16:16I was just carrying it.
16:17Whatever.
16:18I'm still mad we traded for you instead of that other guy whose name I had never known.
16:21And can no longer remember.
16:23Yeah, the poor guy.
16:24Bring him home whatever his name is.
16:26Dad, what are you doing here?
16:28Meg, this nonsense has to stop.
16:30You're a griffin.
16:31And it's time to, uh...
16:34Do your neighbors always have that bounce house?
16:36Or is it a special occasion?
16:38I really don't know.
16:40Okay, yeah.
16:41But Meg, I mean it.
16:42We all miss you.
16:43And oh, a heavy lady's rolling into it.
16:45Probably the aunt who likes to have fun.
16:47Wow, her face got red quick.
16:49Dad, I told you.
16:50Nugget and his family treat me better than you guys ever did.
16:53And I won't be coming home.
16:55Dad?
16:56It's an Iron Man house!
16:58Okay, you know what?
16:59I think we need to regroup here.
17:01We're sorry to have bothered you.
17:03I squashed a boy.
17:12Oh, come on, cheer up, Peter.
17:14Look, the best thing to do to put all this Meg drummer behind us
17:16is a fun family activity that we can all do together.
17:20You know, I was supposed to be here today anyway,
17:22but then Tyler cancelled his birthday party.
17:24Ice cream sundae bar with Harry Bow brand gummy bears?
17:28Tyler!
17:29Tyler!
17:30Tyler!
17:31Hey, Ty.
17:32Guess we got our wires crossed, huh?
17:37It was a numbers thing.
17:38I think his parents made him invite the T-ball kids.
17:42All right, Dad!
17:43Yeah!
17:44Woo-hoo!
17:45Yes!
17:46I've lost my daughter.
17:48Come on, gang.
17:49Group selfie for the family Instagram account.
17:52Everybody say, seeds!
17:54Seeds!
18:01Griffin?
18:02What do you want?
18:03Um...
18:04I, uh...
18:05Meg?
18:06Do you have a flat dollar bill for the change machine?
18:08I want it to play the arcades.
18:10We don't play the arcades.
18:11Nerds.
18:12Because we have stand-up games in our basement rec room.
18:15Aw!
18:16Guess you'll just have to make do with your crinkled ones.
18:19what?
18:22No!
18:26Honey, the scattered grain is delicious.
18:53You outdid yourself.
18:54Well, don't thank me.
18:56Thank the good people at Monsanto, who make delicious grain that's packed with antidepressants
19:00and steroids.
19:02I'm so glad you decided to come live with us, Meg.
19:05Me too.
19:06But I couldn't help feel a little sorry for my dad at the bowling alley.
19:09He bowled with the lane guards up.
19:11Without the jeopardy of a gutter ball, what is bowling?
19:14He just has his own way of doing things.
19:16Yeah, the wrong way.
19:18Honey?
19:19No, she knows.
19:20That's why she left.
19:21No, I left because I love your son, not because I hate my dad.
19:25Meg, either you hate your dad or you leave this house.
19:29An old tomato.
19:31You're just like him.
19:32What did you say?
19:34You're just like him.
19:37Wait, I can't hit you.
19:45You're a girl.
19:46Huh.
19:47Oh, Meg, I'm so happy you realized your place is here at home with your father.
20:11It really wasn't that.
20:12It's just, all my stuff is here.
20:14What stuff?
20:15Also, turns out Nugget's gay.
20:17I saw his text and it's all tiny cocks.
20:22Oh, Nugget, Nugget?
20:26Fox Tuesday.
20:27Mass casualty incident protocol has been activated.
20:30You ready?
20:31On the season finale of Doc.
20:33We get a brain CT scan now.
20:34What happened, Michael?
20:37I feel like you're going to avoid me.
20:39You can't waste your life over someone who doesn't really see you.
20:43I screwed up everything.
20:44So you gotta own it.
20:46This is Dixon.
20:48I bet you not to do this.
20:50Doc, season finale, this Tuesday on Fox.