#CinemaJourney
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FunTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to keep his hand through.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:39Wow, someone seems happy today.
00:41Damn right! Today's the big day!
00:43You're getting off parole? Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee?
00:48Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing.
00:52Tonight is girls' night!
00:54Women's night. You're all in your 40s.
00:56We're going to an I Love the 90s concert. I cannot wait to mumble the rap lyrics I'm not supposed to say.
01:03Hey, Chief. Cooking up a little hijinks there?
01:06Yeah, me and the guys are gonna make non-consensual prank videos by dumping marbles at the park.
01:11It's gonna be hilarious once we edit out the ambulances.
01:13Just make sure you're back by five. You need to watch Stewie tonight while I'm out with the girls.
01:18Women. I'll be back in time, don't worry.
01:20Don't blow this fat man. You're already on thin ice since you crashed that airplane into my cheek.
01:25Off and wide, here comes the airplane.
01:27We're all gonna die!
01:32We're all gonna die!
01:34Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy.
01:36Hail Mary, full of grain. Busby is with thee.
01:41Wake up, Cheerio Army. General Mills is lying to you.
01:44The cheek crash did not happen.
01:46There's no proof of purchase.
01:48Plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons.
01:52You know what's crazy? There were no Jewios in the mouth that day.
01:55I'm not saying, but I'm just saying.
02:02Where the hell is Peter? He was supposed to be here to watch Stewie two hours ago.
02:06Yeah, poor kid feels so let down, he started auditioning new dads.
02:10Hi, I'm here to audition to be your dad.
02:12Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad, it's for the role of my daddy.
02:17Stewie, Mom couldn't get the poo stains out of your Moana onesie.
02:21She said she was gonna watch it again.
02:23Shut up, I'm trying to create a vibe here!
02:26Oh, dammit, I'm missing the moment of silence for Kurt Cobain and the other Manili.
02:32I can explain.
02:33Don't bother.
02:34You should see the other guys.
02:36Yeah, it was a pretty weird night.
02:37I got wind!
02:42Peter's stuck in ice again?
02:45Yeah.
02:47Uh-uh, I said no booby bills.
02:49Nipples all mushed up on Ben Franklin.
02:52And that's exactly why I invented eyeglasses.
02:56Oh, I can't believe Peter ruined my whole evening.
02:59Did Sir Mix-a-Lot go on yet?
03:01Yeah, but he's already burned through his hits, so now he's doing an awful Baby Got Back remix about knees.
03:07I like thick knees when they've been real high.
03:10Some brothers wanna love that tie.
03:12When a girl walks in, better show me them shins and Ben.
03:14Looking like the letter N, I get Chubb.
03:22Ah, it's so nice to hang at our regular bar that everyone is familiar with.
03:26What's with all the schlubby white boys with notebooks in here?
03:29Looking like Josh Gad's stenographer.
03:31Oh no, tonight's open mic night.
03:33These comics are always so hacky.
03:35Then I said, I want the booty, and I ain't talking about doubloons.
03:40Ah, you look like a good crowd.
03:43Any spice merchants here tonight?
03:45I'm a lawyer.
03:46Of the high seas?
03:47I handle zoning disputes.
03:49Then I got nothing.
03:51Ugh, it's Peter again.
03:53He's been texting me all night.
03:55You know, he's so helpless when I'm not around.
03:57Hey, could you put your phone away?
04:10My parents are here tonight.
04:12Rory gave us grandchildren, Seamus gives us this.
04:15Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.
04:18You Davy Jones lock a bit?
04:19Vah, she blows!
04:23If you think it's so easy, you should put your treasure where your mouth is and go next!
04:26No, no, I'm not a comedian.
04:29I could never.
04:30Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.
04:32You think so?
04:34Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing, and I don't want you next to me.
04:39I don't know, you really think I'd be good at-
04:44Just go!
04:45Hey, uh, I don't really know what to talk about up here.
04:52Um, frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.
04:56I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.
04:59Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?
05:02Is so true.
05:04You don't have a man. How would you know?
05:06When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.
05:10Most couples have an active sex life.
05:13Peter has an active sex life.
05:16Yeah, my husband and I, we enjoyed 20 happy years.
05:19Then we met.
05:21Ladies, show of hands, huh?
05:23How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?
05:26Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?
05:39Well, I need a drink.
05:41Hey, I just want to say, I think you're great.
05:43Look, pal, I know nothing is harder to a guy than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.
05:48I know, I heard you're set. Those dumb husband jokes crushed.
05:51Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.
05:54Like when you're driving without your seat belt and the bell keeps dinging to put it on, but you just keep going because it's a short trip, you know?
06:02Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city, and we're always looking for new talent. You interested?
06:08Oh, well, yeah, of course.
06:11Great. Hopefully you can come up with more material about that husband of yours.
06:16I don't know. I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband like that on a regular basis.
06:19Oh, there you are. Quick update. I found the mayo, but it was in a red bottle under the sink, and they misspelled it Drano.
06:25Anyway, everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.
06:27Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go to the park and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again. They really dug it last time.
06:41Peter's a weird guy, but I like him.
06:43Dude cares about rodent comfort. That's just a fact.
06:47Sorry, I have plans.
06:49Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons to make speed bumps for snakes.
06:53Have you noticed Lois has had plans a lot lately?
06:55Yeah, something's definitely up. Last night there was adrenaline in her breast milk, and lately she's been rushing through all her housework.
07:03Mommy, I had an oopsie.
07:05Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
07:09Oh.
07:10Hey, get back here and do the front!
07:12This isn't right. I have to talk to her about this.
07:15Look, we both know what's going on here, so if you are cheating on Peter, maybe let me get a whack at it?
07:21Shoot your shot, playboy.
07:23What? Now, I am not cheating on Peter, but, well, I have been hiding something.
07:29I've been doing stand-up for the past few weeks.
07:32I even came up with a great stage name, Lois the Crowdkiller, but it was too long for the marquee, so I shortened it to Lois CK.
07:40Are you still, like, workshopping that?
07:42No, and I'm trying to keep it low-key. The routines, well, they're about my life, and, you know, Peter may not like what he hears.
07:49Ah, commenting on the human condition. You know, George Carlin once said...
07:53Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian.
07:55Anyway, I'm doing stand-up. You're not a part of this. Don't tell Peter.
08:19Oh, they're all on Facebook.
08:21Oh, they're all on Facebook.
08:23Oh.
08:26Can you believe these firemen risked their lives to save people like that? They're so brave.
08:31Tch, you want to talk about brave? Try getting done.
08:33Oh, they're so brave.
08:36Can you believe these firemen risked their lives to save people like that? They are so brave.
08:38can you believe these firemen risk their lives to save people like that they are so brave
08:46you want to talk about brave try getting paid to tell jokes sure i i guess that's something too
08:53i am a sherpa guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go
08:58see comics are philosophers we hold up a mirror to society and say look i don't do jokes i do truth
09:06the first time i touched that mic it was like a religious experience if i believed in religion
09:13which i don't they're all sheep praying to the invisible man in the sky as you can see i did
09:18not pull that punch ew is that what i sound like with book stuff afraid so bright oh god oh i got
09:25a tag for that after god you should say if it's the last supper then there better be dessert i don't get
09:31it yeah it's pretty heady hey i'd love to keep talking bits but i need to go listen to my
09:36set to see if my voice sounds as shrill as that incel reddit page says it must be hard knowing
09:42that lois achieved her dream so fast while your writing career has gone nowhere i'll have you know
09:46that my book was recently picked up on garbage day lois was cleaning out the garage face it she's
09:53lapping you bro her new name is ois cause you took the l boom mark it on the burn board
09:59get it together chrissy you can burn with the big boys you're the golden child okay here goes
10:08you're a dog that does people things
10:11rachel come on you know me i went to your sister's wedding
10:16stewie i told you not to send your kid to private school
10:24you're never gonna believe this that the tennis ball is still in your hand when you fake a throw
10:32you're right i don't believe it no i'm getting a netzif special you mean netflix no netzif the new
10:40england theater conference comedy festival it's the biggest mid-atlantic regional comedy event in
10:45the greater rhode island area they're gonna run my special on channel 385 and and that's good well
10:52it'll be on after the city council meeting where the camera drifts slowly to the left until it's
10:56fully facing the wall so you tell me ah if it goes well they might even sell the special to foopie
11:02hi is that an asian dish it's a streamer any two nonsense syllables are a streamer
11:08achoo oh i love their shows break out the kleenex congrats lois this special sounds like a really big
11:14deal do you feel ready uh actually no it tapes next week and they want a whole hour i'm gonna need way
11:22more material well who knows maybe you'll get lucky and peter will screw up more than usual this week
11:26hmm screw up more than usual
11:29next round's on me boys jeez peter you're throwing around some serious coin tonight
11:38usually just buy one drink for the table and put four straws in so we have to drink it together like
11:43a milkshake in an archie comic lois gave me a bunch of cash told me to get as drunk as i want and then
11:48just do whatever pops into my head wait those belong to a man well now i feel like the boob
11:55ben franklin he also invented good stones i did peter you need to see what bonnie just posted on
12:04facebook more bikini shots already i'm still working through the last batch emphasis on batch
12:09giggity he's so dumb he hit his head trying to dive into his ocean screensaver i didn't know lois was
12:16doing comedy but that's hilarious and this guy she's talking about sounds like a real dope
12:21he couldn't satisfy his wife on their wedding night
12:24she just held up a picture of me probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like
12:30how do we break it to him well he's not getting it verbally so we're gonna have to do asl
12:35hey peter
12:36how dare you lois you have made a complete fool out of me and after i worked my fingers to the bone
12:57renovating our bathroom about that why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling
13:01the blueprints were upside down see this is what i'm talking about your whole life is a joke
13:09excuse me for noticing for god's sake you were the first video on 2017's epic rope swing fails
13:15you think harry potter was based on a true story don't twist my words all right i said there are
13:20probably wizard schools look peter for years i've had to put a good face on while you act like an
13:25ignorant impulsive child and it is exhausting i finally found a way to turn my pain into art
13:32and nothing is gonna stop me because lois ck is standing in the doorway of comedy and you're gonna
13:38watch me until i erupt with jokes we'll see how funny you are when you don't have this idiot to
13:44make fun of anymore
13:45good morrow family christopher stewart megan douglas lois abeth
13:55in a right triangle the sign of a given angle is equal to the ratio of the side opposite that angle
14:02to the hypotenuse and a hypotenuse is not a math hippo so you lie to me i i just always wanted a family
14:10and i thought that this could be my way in is that even your visor i stole it off a blackjack
14:16dealer it didn't chase me because it was too sad and how are your studies oh i'm all automotive now
14:25i spend my days under a dodge charger and evenings in the back seat always a pleasure chatting with you
14:31i'll save the comics for you dad no thank you today i'll be reading the funny business section
14:36lasagna futures tumble in worst monday ever
14:40i warned him to diversify into other noodles could you pass the 501
14:46they should call it fiber 2 because of what it makes you do right dad
14:51christopher to your room this instant
14:53okay what is going on with you today
14:55what is going on is i will no longer be your fool
14:59if you'll excuse me a man from craigslist is here to buy my box of shenanigans
15:03whatever this is it won't last buffoonery is in your blood
15:14seven brave astronauts lost their lives that day lois that's the opposite of silly
15:29okay we caught the escaped giraffe but who's gonna ride him back to the zoo
15:36oh what do you say peter would you rather ride the giraffe or take a sensible family car
15:45bring me to the park i want to dunk
15:53he'll never be able to keep it up he's kept it up my stand-up special is next week and i am
16:00desperate for material peter's given me squat he is drier than a triscuit
16:04hey how do i delete grown-ups three off the dvr to make room for ken burns dust bowl
16:10i don't want to miss the episode on oaky migration
16:13he's been like this all week last night he gave his whoopee cushion a viking funeral
16:18maybe you need to broaden out your topics the audience just wants to hear about your life
16:30you're right bon a good stand-up can make anything funny okay i'm gonna start right now this is really
16:35great women supporting women
16:40i couldn't agree more us ladies need to stick together
16:47absolutely we can't let petty differences divide us
16:59five minutes mrs g i told you to stop peeking your head and then just fully enter
17:03sorry mrs g i'm self-conscious about my legs
17:06hey is dad coming tonight
17:08oh i don't think so he's being a little
17:09bitch about my jokes about him being a little bitch
17:12all right time to go live on instagram to service my fans
17:16oh what what up lois hive i'm about to tape my first special thanks to all my lohos out there for
17:22supporting your girl we out here am i using that right meg i don't know i'm a dork too
17:29okay this is a sponsored post so i'd like to give a shout out thank you to dr violet's feminine
17:34de-mustin powder when you musty it's a must
17:40now give it up for the husband slayer lois ck
17:45how you feeling tonight
17:49let's get right into it so the other day peter sits me down
17:53oh here it comes i bet she's about to say something derogatory about his genitals
17:57she's also clever about his obesity my father died this morning but i bought the tickets before
18:03that no he wanted to review this year's tax code to look for additional deductions
18:07well how about deducting all those receipts from my kitchen table you're too messy
18:18these are theater chairs they're not supposed to swivel huh they're weird did you break our chair
18:24i improved your chair actually my whole street is full of weirdos so my crippled neighbor he's a real
18:31jerk he's so handicapped he gets to park inside the bank you're too messy
18:41huh is this thing on oh i'm on honey they can hear you's just fine okay you're gonna love this one so
18:50there's this predator next door that we still hang out with even though he hurts women i'm still
18:55working on the punchline for that one ginger
18:58bitch married a loser because she's a loser my dad died during routine knee surgery please stop
19:04look i i just want to make you laugh well we don't like your jokes and will smith said we're allowed to
19:09hit comics oh hey hey guys i just wanted her to bomb but not this this is what bombing is now
19:20beatings are the new booze look i know you've all had or will have two drinks at minimum but please calm
19:26down
19:34hey you gonna huck that i'm still working on it oh
19:40what's with the flimsy cans we drink hard seltzer now at least go get beer bottles to throw like a
19:45respectable rioter oh my god peter all this time i was belittling you but you did what i wasn't
19:53willing to do for you protect my spouse from public ridicule when holy crap we only got eight seconds
19:59left in tonight's episode uh you don't have to be smart for me you're serious i married you for who
20:04you are a good husband and i married you because you did mouth stuff in the car that one time but
20:08overall that's not really who you are hey i'm i'm sorry for ruining your special lois oh that's okay it all
20:19worked out they actually ended up giving it to joe instead
20:25hey boy i'm glad i'm not a cop in dc i'd be writing tickets for gridlock
20:30you know what dc stands for dumb congress
20:34hey three congressmen walked into a bar nothing happened
20:38you know you don't have to clap after every joke i'd prefer if you laughed
20:42stop that
20:50i like thick knees when they've been real high some brothers want to love that tie
20:54what a girl walks in better show me them shins and been looking like the letter n i get chub
20:59i like them hard and bony not prosthetic and phony much love to the honeys with glamor
21:04knees be knocking like a ball p jammer i don't want them foot bones elbows and shoulders making arms fold
21:10i want to see meniscus without knees can't be my missus so i cut them pants legs cup them baby
21:16show me them pegs i'm talking femur and tibia jeopardy baby knee trivia
21:21lady knee caps