#CinemaJourney
#Family Guy
#Family Guy
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FunTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:14Murphy is a family guy.
00:17Murphy is a man who buys what we can handle.
00:21All the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:24He's a family guy.
00:30So thanks to AI, here's a picture of what JonBenet Ramsey would look like in a bikini today.
00:39Wowza.
00:40But first, would you like to spend the rest of your life alone?
00:43Would you like your last meal to be a handful of red dirt?
00:46Well, a local firm here in Quahog is now accepting applications to take a one-direction trip to Mars.
00:52Huh?
00:53One direction as in you stay there forever, not as in the band.
00:56The mission is being supported by the Quahog Engineering and Scientific Organization, or Caso.
01:01Caso?
01:02That's Caso the organization, not the Mexican cheese dip.
01:05Mom, guess what?
01:08No, Meg.
01:09I got us two tickets to Laser Dua Lipa.
01:12All of Dua Lipa's hits synced up to a bunch of red and green laser doodles.
01:16It's three hours.
01:17We'll be stone cold sober, and it's in the middle of the day.
01:20Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie, but I'm busy that day.
01:23I haven't said what day it is yet.
01:25Weekends are just really tough for me right now.
01:27It's on a Tuesday.
01:28Oh, yeah, you know what?
01:30Tuesdays are just impossible.
01:32Wednesdays, too, and then Thursday through Monday, I'm pretty much just prepping for Tuesday.
01:37I'm sorry, honey.
01:38Maybe next time.
01:44And the cast of Suits Then and Now.
01:46Oh, look at that.
01:48Yeah, slight difference.
01:49What's your cheapest morning after pill?
01:54It's called Plan C.
01:56Haha, nice.
01:57I get it.
01:58Let me get that gift wrapped.
02:04Whoa, who is this tall drink of water?
02:07I, uh, I like your horn.
02:10Is that okay to say?
02:11Oh, well, thank you.
02:12I do try to moisturize.
02:14Come on, Stewie, let's...
02:15Ryan, leave the aisle, and then come back and ask for my autograph.
02:18So, what part of Q-town are you from?
02:20Oh, very hip, right by that Thai fusion speakeasy that used to be a needle exchange?
02:24I love it over there.
02:25Uh, excuse me, sir, may I have your autograph?
02:27Not now, I'm in a conversation.
02:28Wait for me outside.
02:33Wait, no way.
02:34Both of you guys are dry or safe?
02:36Guys, are you feeling this?
02:37Rupert, I just knew you two would vibe the way we vibed at the drugstore,
02:41and that never happens to me.
02:43Guys, is this...
02:45Are we a... a thruple?
02:47Oh, hey, Brian, you remember Made In from the pharmacy?
02:50Made In?
02:51Yeah, see?
02:52Yeah, I don't think that's a name.
02:54I think that's just the words Made In with a sticker over the word China.
02:57Well, that's the name, and they, that's right, they, are living with me and Rupert now.
03:02Great, Stewie, have fun with your toys.
03:03I'm gonna go binge-surf Hinge in a dark room.
03:06Don't listen to him.
03:07He doesn't accept you, Made In.
03:09I accept you.
03:10No, we accept you.
03:13All right.
03:14Who wants to get thropped first?
03:21Oh, hey, Meg.
03:22Hey, Mr. Quagmire.
03:23So, there's this Dua Lipa show.
03:25Oh, uh, no.
03:26I've got two tickets, and I was wondering if...
03:28No.
03:29...you would want to go with me.
03:30No.
03:31Please stop asking.
03:32I mean, honestly, it's pretty high-tech.
03:33Please stop asking.
03:34I can't think of anything worse.
03:35No.
03:36Read my body language.
03:37Hear what I'm saying.
03:38Meg, Meg, Meg.
03:39Look me in the eye.
03:40The answer is no.
03:41But you always say no is just a spicy yes.
03:45Stop telling people I said that.
03:47You want to go with me?
03:48Meg, no.
03:49It's a synchronized light show.
03:50Honestly, it's pretty high-tech.
03:51No.
03:52Read my body language.
03:53Hear what I'm saying.
03:54Meg, look me in the eye.
03:56The answer is no.
03:58But you always say no is just a spicy yes.
04:03Stop telling people I said that.
04:09Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Dua Lipa's outline.
04:18Unfortunately, due to a technical glitch, or an Eric, as we're calling them around here,
04:23we're unable to play the music and will instead be playing the audiobook of the Joy Luck Club,
04:27as read by Howard Stern.
04:29Part 1.
04:30Feathers from a thousand li away.
04:32God, this is so hot.
04:34I'm telling you, I go nuts for these Chinese babes.
04:38Mom?
04:39What are you doing here?
04:40I thought you were busy.
04:41I'm sorry.
04:42There was a Groupon.
04:43The moment it was $4 cheaper, I was powerless to say no.
04:46And she saw how quickly their eyes moved when she told them her idea for the Joy Luck Club.
04:53Hey!
04:54She said the name of the thing in the thing.
04:56I love that.
04:57It's a god-awful small affair
05:10To the girl with the mousy hair
05:14But her mummy is yelling no
05:17And her daddy has chosen to go
05:22Take her just a turn
05:24Oh, man!
05:26Feeding up the wrong guy
05:28Oh, man!
05:29Wonder if you'll never know
05:33Who's in the best in the shallow?
05:36Is there life on board?
05:46Shut up, Meg.
06:06But, Meg, why on earth would you want to go to Mars?
06:13I made up my mind
06:14And this is what I want
06:17You know what, Meg?
06:18You're right
06:19This will be good for you
06:20And if you're chosen, we'll miss you
06:22But you'll have our support
06:25Oh, well, thanks, Mom
06:26I appreciate that
06:28Haha, you see what I did there, Peter?
06:30That is some next-level jujitsu parenting right there
06:33Oh, yeah, I get what you're going for
06:36Get rid of Meg
06:37Get some heart exchange student from Sweden
06:39Me and her, we flirt a little
06:40We get something going
06:41And then one thing leads to another
06:42I cross a line
06:43And the next thing you know
06:44We're all walking on eggshells
06:45Her dad calls from Sweden
06:46I can't understand a word he's saying
06:48He's either really happy or really mad
06:50Now, Peter, listen
06:51Meg's just rebelling for attention
06:53I used to do the same thing
06:55I once felt Ted Turner over the pants
06:57Right in front of my dad
06:58Very relatable
06:59But what I learned about parenting
07:00From the jacket of a book I didn't buy
07:02Is that when your child rebels
07:04You can't push back
07:05Or they'll double down
07:07You just stay supportive
07:08Let them learn their own lessons
07:10And they'll come crawling back to you in the end
07:12How is that different than what I said?
07:14Plus, every lonely incel in the country's applying to this thing
07:17She'll never be chosen
07:19How could you possibly have any energy this morning?
07:37You're right
07:38Time to greet this glorious day
07:40First we'll grab avocado toast at Simone's
07:42And then leisurely flip through the West Elm catalogue
07:44And circle everything we hate
07:48Ah, what do you say?
07:50Shall we take our breakfast on the balcony?
07:54When you're in a thruple, whatever house you're in
07:56Automatically grows a Juliet balcony to lean against in your robe and boxes
08:00With a hot flavoured coffee and just sigh
08:03Welcome, recruits
08:13My name is Sergeant Benziger, retired
08:15I drank lots of water at Camp Lejeune
08:17And am now financially independent
08:19To start things off, I'm gonna say this one more time
08:21This is about a One Direction trip to Mars
08:24And not about the pop band One Direction
08:27Now then, this will be a cutthroat, exhaustive, and highly competitive selection process
08:35We're not just looking for the best
08:37Or the best of the best
08:38We're looking for the best of the best of the best
08:41Of the best
08:42Ah, crud
08:43If only he'd stopped at the previous best
08:48Alright, trainees
08:49It's very important to have a cool thing to say the minute you set foot on Mars
08:53Meg, we'll start with you
08:57Did I do that?
08:59Not bad
09:00We would also have accepted
09:01What's up?
09:04Okay, trainees
09:05As you may remember from the movie The Right Stuff
09:07We'll need to collect a semen sample from each of you
09:09But I...
09:10No exceptions!
09:11Figure it out!
09:12Well, somehow you did it
09:14Everyone come back tomorrow
09:15You start the real training with the real guy
09:16Bye!
09:18The Martian environment is completely cold, harsh, and inhospitable
09:22To train you to survive, we've found a similar environment
09:26An abandoned bed, bath, and beyond
09:28Anyway, as long as we're here, feel free to just take whatever you want
09:33I don't really want anything
09:34That was kind of the whole problem
09:37Since there's no wifi on Mars
09:39We're gonna send you up there with a VCR
09:41And you get to choose one tape
09:43One tape
09:46Ah, yes!
09:47Sidney Poitier and Tom Berringer in Shoot to Kill
09:51A crackling tale of survival in the Pacific Northwest
09:53One man out for the law, one man out for revenge
09:56Letterboxd?
09:57Please
09:58I'm a pen and scan gal
09:59Arthur Penn's Target
10:01Starring Matt Dillon and a career best Gene Hackman
10:04The game of espionage is played by a strict code
10:07But that code has been broken
10:09Running time, 117 minutes
10:11This has tape 2 of Titanic in it
10:13Oh, sorry about that
10:14Someone must have pulled an error
10:15Learn to love again
10:17With Under the Tuscan Sun
10:19Featuring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh
10:21At the tippy top of her game
10:22When life gives divorcee France's lemons
10:25She's off to Italy to make a Tuscan villain lemonade
10:27Rated PG-13 for sensual kissing and partial nudity
10:30Can't I just bring my laptop up there with me?
10:33No!
10:34Because then I wouldn't have a job, stupid
10:35You know what?
10:36Give me the tape back
10:37You don't get a tape
10:43Ooh, look at that one
10:45Well, I know it's small
10:46But this is Provincetown on a July 4th weekend made in
10:49Beggars can't be choosers
10:50Hey Stewie, you wanna get a lunch?
10:51Give us a few minutes to washcloth our parts, Brian
10:54We had a long night
10:56Whatever
10:57Oh god
11:02I can't breathe
11:04This is fine
11:08This is okay
11:09As long as the thruple balcony is strong
11:11The thruple is strong
11:13Other deviant sex groups get these too
11:16This is my one-bull balcony
11:18You know, you really showed us by signing up for this, Meg
11:27And no matter what happens, just remember
11:29You definitely proved your point
11:31You see that?
11:32Yeah, that microphone's totally unguided
11:34I'm gonna do my Michelle Obama impression
11:37Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us today
11:39Eh, I'll do it an intermission
11:41We have decided who is going to Mars
11:44You are all worthy candidates
11:46But, just like the box-a-thorn EMI screen entertainers Highlander says
11:50There can be only one
11:52And the winner is...
11:54Seamus!
11:55Eh, eh, eh, eh!
11:56Eh, eh, eh!
11:59Well, honey, I'm glad you got this out of your system
12:01And to think I never pushed back once
12:04Good thing you've got a great mom, huh?
12:07Poet laureate Robert Pinsky once said
12:09When I had no roof, I made audacity my roof
12:12It is truly an honor
12:14Whoa, wait a minute
12:16Are those your arms and legs?
12:18Oh, man
12:19I guess I wasn't really paying attention
12:21The winner is... Meg!
12:23She won?
12:24Mom, I did it!
12:25I'm going to Mars!
12:27Barack hasn't satisfied me in years
12:30That's your impression?
12:31It's less a voice and more, like, an attitude
12:39Meg, you can't go to Mars
12:40You can't talk me out of this, Mom
12:42I'm going
12:43As your parents, we forbid it
12:45Right, Peter?
12:46Lois, kids go to Mars
12:47That's what they do
12:49Hey, Meg, congrats on this Mars thing
12:51Great stuff
12:52Hey, listen, if I give you this bone
12:53Could you maybe bury it for me up there?
12:55That would...
12:56Yeah, that would just be huge for me
12:58Oh, honey
12:59You've still got your whole life ahead of you
13:01I'm a hero now, Mom
13:03I have a purpose
13:04When that rocket takes off next week
13:06I'm going to be on it
13:07Um, if Meg can go to Mars
13:09Can I go to the Pornhub Awards?
13:11Still no, Chris
13:12I'm going to kill myself
13:14Hehehehehehehehe
13:17We're good parents
13:23Look, we all understood that there would be some bumps along the way, right?
13:27When you're in a three-way relationship
13:28there will inevitably be times where two sides gravitate towards each other
13:32Right now, it's Rupert and Maiden
13:33Eventually it'll be Stewie and Maiden
13:35And then, Rupert
13:36You're going to feel like the lonely left out piece of s*** no one wants
13:38Well, cheers everyone
13:41Oh, why are you laughing? I don't get it
13:43don't get it. Oh, it's an inside joke. Oh, you two have an inside joke. Well, I know
13:48a million jokes, too. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see
13:52that well. Right? Inside joke now. Everybody agree? I'm sexually desirable, too.
14:03Wow, there she is. It's the girl who's going to Mars. I saw her in the parking lot, but
14:07I could get excited again. Meg, will you please join us in the women's bathroom?
14:13In honor of your sacrifice, we hereby rename this stall the Meg Griffin Memorial Handicap
14:19Bathroom Stall. This is literally what I've asked Santa for my entire life. Ew, what?
14:34I was trapped in by the ribbon. Yeah, it's always something with you guys.
14:43Hey, Brian. I got something for you. What? I thought you liked that thing. Well, it turns
14:46out we had some irreconcilable differences. See, I'm a Taurus, and they're a home-wrecking
14:51slut. Stewie, I have absolutely zero interest in your six-dollar toy.
14:57Hey there, Rupert. Hey, you know what? Let's have our lunch by the window. There's something
15:01I'd like you to see. You see? You did this, Rupert. You did. You humiliated me, and this
15:12is what happens. You do not play games with me.
15:16But to be clear, I'm still a free spirit. Super chill, super open, super down for whatever.
15:30Hey Meg, we're all gonna miss you. And if you could pour this bag of urine on top of wherever
15:35you bury Brian's bone, that'd be huge for me. I'm really gonna miss you too, Meg.
15:40Really? Well, yeah. Worrying about the sound my headboard makes against the wall is a big
15:44part of it for me. I'll miss that tension. It's part of my scenario.
15:49That's really sweet, Chris.
15:57Wow. Now I'm actually feeling kind of sad to leave you guys.
16:01Yeah, too bad you can't back out now. You'd be widely hated, and deservedly so.
16:15Tom Tucker, live here from Cape Quahog, where local resident Meg Griffin is about to become
16:20the first person ever to go to Mars. Truly a historic moment, which we will now celebrate
16:24with a small but affordable clip of Europe's The Final Countdown.
16:31Meg's only companion for the flight will be a year's supply of food, and because she's
16:46a woman, her pillow from home.
16:55Oh my God. She doesn't want to go.
16:57No. We gotta call off the launch.
17:01Prepare launch sequence.
17:05Wait! Stop!
17:07No.
17:08No? But that's my daughter in there.
17:11Yeah. We can't just stop every time a mom bursts in here.
17:14You think Neil Armstrong's mom didn't burst in and say, wait, stop? They always say, wait,
17:19stop.
17:20Initiate countdown.
17:21And it looks like it's time for the Cryptcoin.com countdown.
17:3010, 9, 4,000, negative 6,000, 8, negative 63,000.
17:36And now it is no longer the Cryptcoin.com countdown.
17:40Anyway, 10, 9.
17:42Oh, man. I hope I'm making the right decision.
17:52What am I talking about? Of course I am.
17:54Mom didn't even bother to see me off, much less say, wait, stop. Like Neil Armstrong's mom.
18:00Wait! Stop!
18:01Mom?
18:02Nobody shoots my baby into space.
18:05Mom, what are you doing? This is super dangerous.
18:08Huh? Don't worry, Meg.
18:10They'll never shoot off a rocket with a woman holding onto them.
18:16Oh, f***.
18:22And we have the doll.
18:25Oh, my God. Is that Lois?
18:27Mom's gone.
18:28Dad, can I go to the Pornhub Awards?
18:30Yeah, sure, Stewie.
18:31Yeah!
18:35Just hold on.
18:37Channel Tom cruise at his most mentally ill.
18:45Why are we turning?
18:48Mom, we're going down.
18:53Oh, God. Oh, God.
18:55I can't die like this.
18:56I never finished the wire.
18:58I never started the wire.
19:01And here it comes.
19:03The horrifying crash we were all secretly hoping for.
19:06Oh, my God.
19:16She's got the car keys.
19:17I'm sorry you won't get to go to Mars.
19:24Well, I'm just glad we got lucky and the rocket crashed.
19:28Luck had nothing to do with it.
19:32Hey, we're safe.
19:34It was the mom that caused the crash.
19:36You can't suddenly add 145 pounds to a carefully calibrated propulsion system.
19:41145?
19:43Now, I'm only 128.
19:46No, we tested 128.
19:48We could handle 128.
19:50128 and the rocket's in space right now.
19:52Okay, maybe 130 with shoes on, but I'd know if I was 145.
19:58Oh, I wonder who I believe more.
20:01A mom with no job or six nerds from MIT.
20:04Hmm.
20:05I think I'll go with the nerds.
20:07So funny.
20:10So good.
20:11Okay, okay.
20:12Anyway, get in this basket.
20:26See?
20:27That's exactly what we were talking about.
20:29128 and we're back on dry line.
20:32Maybe it's because I have stuff in my pocket.
20:36It's definitely not the stuff.
20:38We'll go get the livestock crate.