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Short filmTranscript
00:00It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:07But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:13Lucky is a family guy. Lucky is a man who wants to give his hand to all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:23He's a family guy.
00:30Good morning. I've come down to this floor because corporate has figured out a new revenue stream, giving tours of the brewery.
00:40And, Peter, I've chosen you for the job.
00:42That's great! Let me just call my old boss and tell him to shove it.
00:47Hello?
00:48Mr. Lloyd, this is Peter Griffin. I quit, and I never sent in my pledge for your niece's Stand Up to Cancer 5K.
00:55Hey, how's your niece, by the way? She doing all right?
00:57Very sick.
00:58Ah, terrific. Well, it was an honor just to help.
01:01Now, here's everything you'll need to be a tour guide.
01:03A blazer five people hung themselves in, khakis that look dirty no matter how many times you wash them, and a wet brown banana for lunch.
01:10Awesome. I love telling people where to go. Like when I cased at McDonald's for the Hamburglar.
01:16There. At 11.45, they take the grease traps out the back door.
01:20You sneak right in and take all the hamburgers you want.
01:23Robble, robble.
01:23Hey, man, I thought you just wanted to score some hamburgers. These kids don't have to die, man.
01:28Robble, robble.
01:30Okay, take it easy. Be cool. I don't want any robble.
01:36Hi, folks. I'm Peter Griffin, and welcome to the brewery tour.
01:39All right, quick quiz. How many of you have heard of beer before?
01:43Wow, half. That's pretty good. You can get a little closer, gang. I don't bite.
01:47Ow!
01:48Too close!
01:50And we're proud to say that Pawtucket Ale is responsible for 99% of all DUIs in Rhode Island.
01:56Fascinating.
01:57Hey, shouldn't you be doing a noose?
01:58Oh, no, no. We're doing a best of news bloopers.
02:01Now, an update. Apparently, the Touth Sour has just collapsed.
02:04Touth Sour. What is it? What Touth?
02:07Okay, let's go again.
02:08I'm Tom Tower.
02:09Holy crap.
02:10And now, please enjoy a virtual reality experience about our founder, Pawtucket Pet,
02:15in these headsets that are definitely clean.
02:20Hi, I'm Casey Affleck, a.k.a. Pawtucket Pet.
02:22I signed a contract to do this, then learned to film the same day as Ben and J-Lo's wedding.
02:26Yet another great decision by old Case.
02:29You cut that, right?
02:29Pawtucket Pet came to America from England in 1771, looking for a better life.
02:35The seas were very rough.
02:37Pretty realistic, right?
02:41When Pet finally reached the shore, the natives welcomed him with a flurry of arrows to his colonial penis.
02:48Dear God, why is we experiencing this?
02:51Please save your questions for the end.
02:53In 1776, Pet refused to sign the Declaration of Independence,
02:57saying the only thing we need independence from is wives who won't let us drink.
03:01He left Philadelphia uttering several anti-Italian slurs on his way out of town,
03:04all of which are true.
03:06Unfortunately, he didn't realize Philadelphia is built on a platform 9,000 feet in the air.
03:10Just take off your headsets.
03:16The fall proved to be fatal.
03:18Oh, yeah, and right before Pawtucket Pat died, he pooped his pants.
03:21We have pants available in the gift shop.
03:23Okay, so now how many of you know what beer is?
03:31So we did learn.
03:32Great.
03:33Okay, before we wrap it up, any questions?
03:35Yes?
03:35How come Jeff Bezos wears that big weird cowboy hat when he rides his spaceship?
03:40I don't know, Joe.
03:42Well, that's the tour, folks.
03:43Please either tip me or shamefully avoid eye contact on the way out.
03:48Coward.
03:49Coward.
03:49Coward.
03:50Coward.
03:51Frickin' cheapskate.
03:52Griffin, I'm glad I caught you.
03:54There's a VIP who wants a tour of the brewery, and it's a bit of a sensitive matter.
03:58It's Brett Kavanaugh.
04:00Brett Ratner?
04:01No, that's Brett Ratner.
04:02Brett Favre?
04:03No, that's a different scumbag, Brett.
04:05I'm talking about the Supreme Court Justice.
04:07He'd like to take the tour, and I don't want a spectacle.
04:10Sure.
04:10I don't got a problem with anyone except Jennifer Connelly's husband.
04:13Woo!
04:14I love beer!
04:15That's him now.
04:19Hello, you judges-ty.
04:20Peter Griffin.
04:21Hey, just call me Brett.
04:22All right, guys, skedaddle.
04:24I'm so pumped.
04:25I've toured every brewery in the country except this one.
04:28I love beer!
04:29Yeah, you've screamed that twice now.
04:31I scream it all the time.
04:32It's kind of how I got my job.
04:33Me too!
04:34That's awesome!
04:35Tour time!
04:36I love beer!
04:37Then you'll love all the dull trivia behind it.
04:40Peter, I don't want some normie dork tour.
04:43Look at us.
04:44We're bloated kindred spirits.
04:45Who even look alike?
04:46We're in love with the same mistress, Peter.
04:49And you know everything about her.
04:50Her moods, her little whims, her musk.
04:53Show me her world, Peter.
04:55Show me your...
04:57Beer!
05:00Double kickstand!
05:01Are there any chicks watching?
05:03No, even better.
05:04Just guys.
05:05One thing I do know.
05:06Beer can only be drunk in an upright body position.
05:09Uh, Keith?
05:10I'm gonna ask you to turn around for a second.
05:13You're gonna feel pretty silly.
05:14Yes, we got to experience what it's like to be beer.
05:23And we drank our own pee in the can.
05:25No, we didn't.
05:26Right, no, yeah, right.
05:27Hey, Brett, you're pretty cool for a Supreme Court justice.
05:30That's all I want people to say.
05:34Last one in's a rotten egg!
05:36I will not be a rotten egg!
05:41Bro, let's see who can get the reddest the fastest.
05:44I'm very drunk, Peter.
05:52There are a lot of yous.
05:57I see a lot of yous.
06:00Synchronized swimming?
06:01You knew it.
06:14I see a lot of yous.
06:32I see a lot of yous.
06:32I see a lot of yous.
06:35all people want to do is scream at me in
07:00steakhouses about women's bodies yeah my
07:03wife hates you which kind of makes me
07:05secretly like you
07:08hey Brett do you think that we'll still
07:11be friends at college I don't know man
07:14oh my god we were super drunk last night
07:24that I accidentally killed Brett Kavanaugh
07:27dear Peter why did you accidentally kill
07:30me just kidding I don't want my life
07:32anymore you take it Brett PS this is the
07:36first time I've ever put clothes on anyone
07:38without their consent ha ha ha
07:41justice Kavanaugh it's him hey did you guys see that
07:47chicken accounting boy I'd like to hustle her up some stairs against her will it's
07:52really him all right let's get him back to the Supreme Court of the United States
07:55of America where he serves a lifetime appointment as one of only nine Senate confirmed justices it's so cool that a guy named Brett gets to decide if women can have abortions
08:02so anyone watch anything interesting last night okay I'm finally gonna say something I would it be weird after being here 30 years of the first thing I say is I like
08:19I like Shark Tank you can do this Clarence here goes
08:23there he is hey Kavanaugh sorry I'm late the steps outside are perfect for a slinky
08:30ah I love your refreshing honesty Brett
08:32dears can I get a cup of coffee
08:34Brett we're justices Sotomayor in Barrett
08:38right sorry hon coffee no I'm Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson
08:41yes and I will definitely remember your name and not butcher it relentlessly going
08:45forward what's coffee stick it Brett I'm Justice Elena Kagan ha cha cha okay ready
08:52for our morning introduction
08:59gathered together from Harvard and Yale except the last lady Trump appointed are the
09:04most boring forces of good ever assembled
09:15John Roberts
09:21Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito
09:28Elena Kagan
09:31get a visible car bitch
09:36Sonia Sotomayor is Aquaman in this I guess
09:40and the wonder twins
09:42Merritt and Brown Jackson
09:43we hate each other though
09:45with their space monkey Kavanaugh
09:47it's me Peter
09:48they're trying not to die
09:52until someone from their party is president
09:54these are the supreme friends
09:56all right let's pick a case
10:00we've got a bakery that won't bake a cake for a gay wedding
10:03a bakery that won't bake a cake for a trans anniversary
10:06a bakery that won't bake a cake for a dog's birthday
10:09is it just all people mad about cakes
10:11it's mostly cakes yes
10:13although there is this case
10:15hometown buffet versus Peter Griffin
10:17if the steaming hot dog water is on the buffet table
10:20it is part of the buffet
10:22what'll it be fellas
10:27three beers
10:27sorry can't we're all out
10:29what how's that possible
10:31the Cav drank it all
10:33ugh Brett Kavanaugh
10:36I hate that guy
10:38me too
10:39sup I'm the Cav
10:42mind if I sit down
10:43kind of
10:44come on I know my reputation
10:46but can we have one beer
10:48fine
10:49one beer
10:50you guys play golf
10:54occasionally
10:55you ever hit the ball and it doesn't go where you thought it would
10:58sometimes
10:59you ever putt and it just like misses
11:02yeah I've missed a putter too
11:04you ever get stuck in a sand trap
11:06and you can't stop crying cause deep down you know your dad hates you
11:10Brett Kavanaugh
11:11you're alright
11:12guys we got a party together
11:14this weekend squeeze mom's beach house
11:16sounds epic
11:17party at the shore
11:18what's the stair situation there
11:20there's a flight of stairs to get in
11:22okay
11:23we should probably Airbnb another place
11:25still in
11:26100% in
11:27well we can figure that out later as a group
11:29therefore in order to qualify for a hardship exemption under section 754509BI
11:38guys
11:39I think I have a way to make this more interesting
11:44with regard to the claim of foreign nonconvenience
11:46boo
11:47we're not turning for that
11:51tastes like strawberries
11:53on a summer evening
11:55and it sounds just like a song
12:00I want more berries
12:02and that summer feeling
12:04is so wonderful and warm
12:09watermelons sugar high
12:11watermelons sugar high
12:12watermelons sugar high
12:13watermelons sugar high
12:14watermelons sugar high
12:15watermelons sugar high
12:16watermelons sugar high
12:17watermelons sugar high
12:18watermelons sugar high
12:19watermelons sugar high
12:20watermelons sugar high
12:21watermelons sugar high
12:22watermelons sugar high
12:23lunch hey how about today we eat at the mall okay Clarence there's never gonna
12:28be better setup to make a supreme food court joke here goes hey if we're going
12:33to the mall how about we eat at the supreme food court it's like he heard
12:39my thoughts that's right Clarence I can hear thoughts but it only works on
12:44white-haired black guys you want to know how Danny Glover really felt about Mel
12:48Gibson Lois what's going on with my hair my beard because you took a lifetime
13:01appointment in Washington I'm doing everything sorry I haven't had a second
13:05to wax and dye myself well that'll make him want to come back Lois this is the
13:10first time in our marriage I've ever done anything for me what let you drink with
13:15your friends at a bar every night for the last 22 years oh I just knew you'd
13:19hold that against me at some point you know Peter if you took it seriously
13:22being on the Supreme Court is actually a huge opportunity hmm how so the New York
13:27Times is reporting that tomorrow the court is hearing a case to repeal gay
13:31marriage they are you could potentially help save the families of millions of
13:34gay Americans you know Brian's right Peter I am tired of your shenanigans but
13:39this this is a chance to do some real good Peter would you stop playing with
13:43filters and listen to me okay I've taken my filters off Peter what I've just
13:47been drinking a lot of water do you uh do you have an OnlyFans I just sent you a
13:53DM my wish list is in my bio
13:58all right Brett we're deadlocked four to four are you going to vote to repeal
14:02gay marriage or not okay so yes means no gay marriage yes and no means yes gay
14:08marriage yes you mean yes as in no or no as in yes God Kavanaugh you're like a
14:13dog with a bone with this no means yes stuff gay marriage what is your decision
14:17well Alito is right the Constitution says nothing to protect gay marriage yes
14:22fetuses will be so psyched to hear that but also all people are equal under the
14:26law which is why we must not only ban gay marriage we have to ban straight
14:30marriage let's do it I hate my crazy wife I did it I spoke Clarence you forgot
14:38your lunch thanks baby
14:44it sucks that this is the only hat to overthrow democracy in
14:50this is absurd we can't ban all marriage the whole point of not being gay is to get
14:55extra stuff Sam say I invite you out for a beer right now could you do it or
14:59would you have to ask I'd have to ask ask to have a beer how is that freedom you
15:05know what freedom is imagine you can't forget your anniversary imagine it's
15:09illegal to have in-laws imagine a whole bathroom sink with just a toothbrush on it
15:14this sounds sexist imagine a bar of soap in the shower with no pubes on it
15:19touche you know this would stop everyone from asking how come she's not married I
15:24just need one more vote Roberts I don't know no more wedding cakes means no
15:29more lawsuits we'd be done by 11 every day the rest of our lives in we did it
15:34guys we changed the way everything works without asking anyone just like
15:37America wants
15:39you gotta love small beach towns with no economic opportunities we should have a
15:50wet undies contest for guys shut up Joe men should not say undies and the winner of
15:55$18 and a free base level car wash is Diana de Guacamo what that's insane
16:03whoa what the hell Amber should have won why you're so mad Diana had the nicest
16:10bazongas look at the banner Glenn it's not a nicest bazongas contest it's a wet t-shirt
16:16contest an amber shirt was the weirdest but Brett surely the spirit of the tilt is to
16:22award the most comely bosom then why have t-shirts at all why not just hand the trophy to the woman with
16:28the biggest milk monsters you're spitting little piece is a barf absolutely everywhere wet t-shirt
16:34contests have rules that's all that separates us from animals sir I'm gonna have to ask you to leave I
16:41just need to make a brief passionate speech okay I'll come back I like rules and I like beer and I
16:48used to think I had to choose between making arbitrary regulations that govern every aspect of
16:54everyone's life and getting blackout drunk 24 7 but I don't have to choose I can do both I can't do both
17:03uh Brett you're peeing on yourself guys I gotta get back to DC but first let's write down everything in
17:09our calendars that happened the last three days why so 30 years from now we can prove we didn't rape
17:15anyone wait how would an old handwritten calendar prove anything trust me it's enough adios bros that
17:23guy was a little creepy even for me thanks for coming to DC to help me Brian of course I can't
17:32believe they chose you to write a supreme court opinion they must really trust you actually I was
17:36just the last judge to say not it Gorsuch said not it infinity at the beginning of the day so he was
17:41immune what can I do to help can you send Lauren Boebert a you up text she's already blocked my number
17:46sir I've written my opinion
17:52is this a joke nope even though Tom Cruise smiles all the time he is incapable of joking sir
18:02Kavanaugh I've had it with you you're constantly late drunk and somehow don't even know the basics of the law
18:08I've never done this before nor do I have the authority to do so but you're fired
18:12that's not Brett Kavanaugh I am and I can prove it no that's okay now that you're both in front of me it's
18:22glaringly obvious we should really get seats that face each other well now that that distraction's out of
18:27the way let's get back to banning only gay marriage like the founding fathers intended sir you need to
18:33leave I just need to say one thing sure I'll work around your schedule okay so I'm not a judge
18:39but let's talk about the founding fathers if a guy who was five feet tall had a mouthful of wooden
18:44teeth and pooped in a flower pot walked in here right now would you say let's do everything he
18:49says or maybe we can think of something better so you really want to stick it to gay people I mean
18:55that's kind of why the Federalist Society put me here yeah then why let gay people sleep in have
19:01their own bathrooms and eat every meal at a bistro why should gays get to wear white jeans host the
19:06Tonys and have endless casual sex you want to take away their freedom let them get married
19:12huh maybe you're not an idiot I'm not I'm just a visual learner a toast to Peter Griffin who brought
19:22some common sense to this court I didn't beer did thanks booze hey this is not alcoholic I've learned
19:30my lesson I've listened grown and changed I swear in the Bible son of a bitch slipped me a I'm proud of
19:49you Peter I don't know how you did it but you preserved gay marriage I just told him how happy
19:54we are and how everyone deserves that for themselves ah well like every political figure
20:00with a conflicted conscience in movies I now have to go spend the night at the Lincoln Memorial I
20:04wish I knew what you were thinking did they invent bulletproof theater helmets yet no we just accept
20:11that anyone could get shot anywhere at any time well as long as my beloved Republican Party is still
20:16upholding the traditions of Honest Abe dad if you're listening with me now help me stay safe she has had
20:29no food Fox tomorrow things are about to get real the struggle in the wild intensifies and the game of
20:37survival you must rank your survivalist from most trustworthy to least shifts to a game of strategy we
20:42have your back you have ours the alliance is made everyone's looking at us like we're the bad guys
20:47extracted all new tomorrow on Fox all new Grimsburg