- 6/2/2025
#CinemaJourney
#Family
#Guy
#Family
#Guy
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy!
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to keep and can't do all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:39Oh, it was nice of the brewery to host this Oktoberfest.
00:42Yeah, they wanted to support the community and hopefully win back some of the market share they lost to fentanyl.
00:47Those come in rainbow now.
00:49Yeah, I reposted an article about that on Facebook and said FYI, so I basically saved the children.
00:55This festival's kinda weird.
00:57How did Germans even come up with Oktoberfest?
00:59So guys, turns out everybody hates us for all our world wars, etc.
01:04We need to do something that shows we are fun and silly and not human exterminators.
01:08What about beer, pretzels and horns that go oompa oompa?
01:12That's good, very good.
01:14Yes, that and little square mustaches because-
01:17No more mustaches!
01:19Meg, check it out! A make-your-own-sausage-station!
01:23Are you supposed to be touching that?
01:25They look like little poops!
01:27You must make me whole again!
01:33Never mind! This is my destiny!
01:40Hey look, a chiropractor. I could actually use an adjustment.
01:43Let's see how you turn this into a brag.
01:45I hurt my back reading screenplays for a competition.
01:48Finish the sentence.
01:49That I paid to be a judge in.
01:51There you go.
01:52Hello!
01:53Cha-ching! I mean, hello!
01:55Would you guys like an adjustment?
01:56I'll take one.
01:57Not me. I think you're a quack.
01:59I also do colonic irrigation therapy.
02:01I'll take a pamphlet.
02:03This head-hole smells like spit.
02:05Don't worry. I always give it one lazy wipe between patients.
02:09Now I'm gonna ask you some questions I can steer into any direction I need.
02:13Do you ever feel tired?
02:15I do.
02:16And if you go a few hours between meals, do you ever feel like you need to eat again?
02:20Yeah, like every day.
02:21That's a big problem nowadays.
02:23I have some very expensive supplements that'll help.
02:28Whoa! That feels great!
02:29Yeah, that good feeling will last right until you get into your car.
02:33Here's your bill!
02:34Seven hundred dollars!
02:36That covers the consultation, evaluation, diagnosis, adjustments, supplements, and a fart surcharge.
02:42I didn't fart.
02:43You did. People always do. Or maybe I did.
02:46Either way, I'll just bill it to your insurance.
02:48Man, I can't believe it.
02:49Oh, there it is.
02:50Told ya!
02:51Do you see how much that chiropractor charged?
02:53I could do the same thing he did.
02:54You could, and that's not a compliment.
02:56His degree was from a Margaritaville.
02:59Should... should we become chiropractors?
03:01Already on it.
03:02Siri, how do I become a chiropractor?
03:04Do you want to be a doctor, but don't like to read books?
03:07Yes.
03:08Congratulations, you are now a chiropractor.
03:11Mailing certification and teeth whitening kit now.
03:14Oh, that was easy.
03:15Yeah, thank God.
03:16I needed a new job, and it was either this or become a family photographer.
03:20Is your son just the cutest?
03:22And are you eager to capture that precious sliver of time?
03:25Well, at Sun in Front of a Tree Photography, we capture these memories for you
03:29by photographing your son in front of a tree in a park that's close to my house.
03:33Put him in a shirt that he hates and watch him lean, climb, or sit in front of a tree.
03:37Hold his arms as he jumps into the air in front of a tree.
03:40Sure, he bit you for making him take off his Spider-Man shoes.
03:44But wait until you see this photo of him resting on his hands in front of a tree.
03:48We'll even take one of the parents in front of the tree.
03:50Because at Sun in Front of a Tree Photography, we capture memories that'll last a lifetime.
03:55And years later, when that same son is forced out of college for a team hazing scandal,
04:00you'll look at the photos of your son in front of a tree and wonder if that monster was always inside him.
04:06Yeah, probably. He bit you for taking off his shoes. Call today.
04:10May not ever receive photos.
04:11God, the prizes of these things are such junk.
04:17I want one. Peter, win me a toy.
04:20What? Why?
04:21Cause I'm New England lady drunk.
04:23Either you and me a stupid stuff something or I'm gonna start naming ex-boyfriends who woulda.
04:28Right, everybody get ready to hear who made first team all dirtbag.
04:31Tom Hambly woulda had me double fist in highly flammable bootleg SpongeBob's by now.
04:36Yeah, didn't he also whip it out to your mom before your prom?
04:39He said he mistimed how far away he was from our hallway bathroom. Just throw the ball.
04:44I would, but my elbow's acting up. Old injury from the late night wars.
04:48I'll win you one of them things, Lois.
04:50Oh no, it's Mikey Bagshaw. Lois' ex-boyfriend with shamrock tattoos on both calves.
04:55You're allowed here?
04:56Yeah, there ain't no schools close.
04:58Then I guess it's your move, Peter.
05:00This is really testing me. I wonder what my old karate sensei would want me to do.
05:05Take your sneakers off, Peter. You can't wear them on the mats.
05:08But they light up, sensei.
05:10Put them in the cubbies. Jeez, every class with this clown.
05:14He throws like a girl!
05:25Come on, people don't say that anymore, dude. The correct term is he throws like a Chalamet, probably.
05:31And on behalf of everyone at Channel 5, we'd like to apologize for the pornography that aired during our cooking segment.
05:43There are a lot of very funny people who are good at computers, and we can't stop them.
05:47Alright, who's ready for the last of us? I love zombie shows about shrub overgrowth.
05:52Chris, move. You're sitting in my spot.
05:53Yeah, I think I'm gonna be sitting wherever I want from now on, Chief.
05:57What? Where am I supposed to sit?
05:59Kinda not my problem, Chief.
06:01Did you just double-chief me?
06:03That's right, Chief.
06:04Triple? Is this because of the throw?
06:06Well, technically, it didn't qualify as a throw. It fell somewhere between a roll and a...
06:11Oh, come on. Barely anybody's shot at. I'm sure it'll all blow over.
06:14And now, in ha-ha, look at this guy news, ha-ha, look at this guy.
06:21Ah, rats.
06:22If that isn't an indication of how poorly someone's penis works, I don't know what is.
06:27Is this my fault, Peter? Is it because I made you watch Ted Lasso?
06:31You know, maybe sports shows should be about sports instead of feelings.
06:34Look, it's not that big a deal.
06:36It is, though. I always knew you were overweight, but I thought you were at least athletic fat.
06:41I told people you were a good fat, like an avocado. Now I don't know what you are.
06:47Okay. I see that I don't have the support of my family on this, but at least I have my friends.
06:52I'm gonna see if they want to meet at the clam.
06:55They said they're busy. I see GIFs of people without genitals.
06:59That means busy!
07:00Does this mean you're a beta dad now?
07:03No, Chris, but I want you to know that I heard you. Your feelings are valid, and thank you...
07:08Oh, God, I am! Now I'm gonna have to hang out at the beta dad headquarters. The farmer's market!
07:13This isn't spicy, is it?
07:15No, sir. It's a strawberry.
07:17I better not. I can't do spicy.
07:23I can't believe you guys got this business started so quickly.
07:26Yeah, we found the perfect spot with zero available parking and the rest just fell into place.
07:31Chris, do you know what the most important part of working in a busy doctor's office is?
07:35The patients?
07:36Nope. Taking care of the tropical fish that's impossible to take care of.
07:40Why is it swimming upside down?
07:42I don't know. Sometimes it sinks, sometimes it floats, and sometimes it does that. All are bad.
07:46There's a number taped to the desk. That's Eric, our tropical fish guy. He's gonna be your best friend.
07:51Call him whenever it does anything. Do everything Eric says. None of it will work, but trust me, he's the best.
07:56It flipped back over.
07:57Why are you telling me? Tell Eric.
08:03Remember, Peter, it's not drinking alone as long as you have Popsicle Peter with you.
08:07Help! He only uses me to scratch his icky parts! Shut up and get to work in there.
08:13Uh-oh. Look who's here.
08:14What the hell? You guys said you had plans, but you're here drinking? And you're on my spot, Cleveland.
08:19Yep. Think I'm gonna be sitting wherever I want from now on, Chief.
08:22Sorry, we didn't want people thinking we were noodle-armed by association.
08:26Yeah, my arms are literally all I have.
08:29How do you not know how to throw?
08:31I never learned. My dad was always working when I was a kid, and when he'd get home, he always said he had a headache.
08:37That was back before everyone carried metal water bottles, so no one drank water and all adults had headaches.
08:43My only friends were day raccoons, who were the most social of all raccoons.
08:47They're the ones who taught me how to throw.
08:49So that's why I throw bad for a guy, but really good for a raccoon.
08:56Is all that true?
08:57I don't know. I've had several cases of rabies, so memories are hard for me.
09:00All I know is that I've spent the rest of my life avoiding scenarios where I gotta throw.
09:04Didn't you go to Red Sox fantasy camp? And I swear I've seen you having a catch with Chris out on your front lawn.
09:09Yeah, that was my stunt double. He's the fat guy who dresses up like me at Comic-Con.
09:13He wants to interview me as me, and I'm just like, dude, no.
09:16Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin?
09:18That depends. Are you classlessly serving a legal document for Jason Sudeikis?
09:22No, I do promotions for a local minor league team, the Quahog Blowholes.
09:27Ah, yes, then I'm Peter.
09:28I wanted to invite you to throw out a ceremonial first pitch this weekend.
09:32What? You know he can't throw, right?
09:34Yes, that's why we want him. Minor league baseball needs gimmicks to attract fans.
09:38You guys remember the story about that chimpanzee umpire?
09:41The one where ate up all them fans' faces?
09:43Yep, that was me. Anyway, we think you'd make the perfect gimmick, Peter.
09:48I'll do it.
09:49What?
09:50You're gonna embarrass yourself again, this time on a bigger stage.
09:53So, did Batgirl just give up when everyone said her movie stunk?
09:57Ah, yes, very publicly, yes.
09:58Oh.
09:59Well, I'm not Batgirl. I'm gonna throw out that first pitch, and it's gonna be a perfect strike.
10:04I love confident idiots. It's why I bought a Tesla. See you this weekend.
10:08What are you doing? You can't just learn how to throw in a couple days.
10:12Hey, anything is possible. Stanley Tucci's a sex symbol now.
10:16You ever watch a guy with a bald head and super hairy arms cook zucchini?
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:23You like this apron? It's a women's medium, and it comes off real easy.
10:28Grrrr, Tucci!
10:34Wow, you are so tight. Do you sit a lot? Sitting's the silent killer.
10:39No, I stand quite often.
10:40And that's your problem right there. Standing's the silent killer.
10:43I actually mix it up pretty good.
10:45Variety, the silent killer.
10:47I can't believe how well this is going, Brian.
10:50Please, call me Dr. B.
10:52Doctor, then one initial? We must be doing very well.
10:55Permission to speak like a human fist bump? Granted.
10:58We are passing go. We are collecting $200. We are crushing!
11:04You have a couple of energy drinks today there, Dr. B?
11:07Had a few no-breakfast monsters, yep. Eyes a little shaky. Feeling a little, uh, scared.
11:12Alright, yeah, you go take a walk. I'll take the next patient. Chris, who's next?
11:16Chris?
11:20What the hell? Chris opened his own office?
11:23Hey, Dr. S, my ears are still kinda ringing from that adjustment.
11:27You said you drank a soda once, right? Sugar, the silent killer.
11:30I guess I'm always just gonna be one of those guys who throws like a girl.
11:44Gah!
11:45You wish you threw like a girl.
11:47Meg?
11:48You're gonna throw out that first pitch, Dad, and I'm gonna teach you.
11:52Ha ha ha ha ha. Much laughter and exaggerated scenarios ahead.
11:56This joke was written by A.I. while the writers were on strike.
11:59Hey, listen, thanks for teaching me how to throw, but why are you helping me?
12:08Because you're my dad. And also because your last display was really embarrassing.
12:12I just didn't know you were so good at sports, Meg.
12:15Are you serious? I won a state championship with my basketball team.
12:19I went to the Olympics in Korea.
12:21Yeah, I don't watch the Meg episodes.
12:23So you don't know anything about me?
12:25Yeah, I gotta be honest. I got a lot of passwords to remember, so I'm always cycling through those.
12:30Don't mind me just grabbing my cigarettes from their elaborate hiding spot.
12:34Did you know Meg played sports?
12:36Oh yeah? When?
12:38Like my whole life! There's trophies in my room!
12:42Cool. Good for you. That's a relief.
12:44I put the magnesium in the bag. Start with two before bed, and if your stomach tolerates it, go to three.
12:54Thanks, Dr. C. You know your fish is swimming upside down, right?
12:58Yeah, it's a water temperature thing, I think. I hope.
13:03What the hell, Chris? You stole our clients!
13:05So what? A lot of those people came to you with real problems, and you just exploited them for money.
13:11Yeah, that's the whole chiropractic model.
13:13I figured I could actually help them, and take their money.
13:16What do you even know about being a chiropractor?
13:18Enough to look at your posture and know that you sit for a living.
13:22Oh, damn, he's good.
13:24Look, I know you guys are upset.
13:26Yes, we are competitors, but if you really think about it, you'll see that our stories are the same, because we're both trying to...
13:34HELP PEOPLE!
13:36There! Now your legs are even.
13:39Whoa! How'd you do that?
13:40By caring. That's the one thing you can't fake. Good luck, guys.
13:45Chris is chiropractic. How may I health you?
13:49Oh, hi, Eric.
13:51Yeah, it's upside down again.
13:53Dude, I did all that.
13:59Okay, Dad. I thought one way to get you throwing would be to get tips from one of the best pitchers of all time, Roger Clemens.
14:07Hi, Peter.
14:08Wow! I can't believe the rocket is gonna help me!
14:11The first thing you're gonna do is grip the ball like this.
14:14Okay, cool.
14:15Then you're gonna wanna find the right place on your ass to inject yourself, allegedly.
14:19What?
14:20If I did this while I was playing, I would've shoved it right through my thick Texas jeans.
14:24But I did not do this while I was playing.
14:26Can we go back to the gracket?
14:28Then when you're done, make sure to discard your needles safely.
14:32If I had ever done this, which I did not, I would've discarded them in the top drawer of my wife's dresser in between her underwear and necklaces.
14:40Or her gym bag, allegedly.
14:42Any place that isn't yours and is hers works.
14:46Your forehead vein is pulsing.
14:47That's what veins do, you nimrod!
14:49Now we wait.
14:50Then once you bite through your own tooth, you know you're ready to pitch.
14:55Let's bean some Oreos!
15:00So I was talking to Mom, and she told me that part of your problem might be performance anxiety.
15:10Yeah, what context was this brought up in?
15:12The one you're thinking.
15:13She said sometimes watching someone else do it first helps.
15:16So I invited Cleveland over to do it with Mom while you watch from the stool.
15:24Ow!
15:25Want me to slow it down?
15:27Oh, don't you dare. I can take harder.
15:30Oh, yeah, thank you.
15:32Damn, you know how to catch it, girl.
15:33Yeah, thank you. I'll keep it going.
15:35Catch it, catch it, catch it.
15:36You are gonna slip me in half.
15:37Catch it with your leg out.
15:38You wanna hop in, Pete?
15:39No! He goes last when my mitt's the loosest.
15:43You okay, Dad?
15:44No.
15:45I never figured my life would end up like this when I was getting my picture taken in front of that tree.
15:50Sun in front of a tree photography.
15:52No one would ever guess your boy would grow up to be a world-class cuck.
15:57Why are we sitting on the field?
15:59Because I think your biggest hurdle might be your mind.
16:02I read that some pitchers have thrown their best games while on LSD.
16:06So let's do LSD.
16:08Yeah, okay.
16:09We had empty stomachs, so the drugs kicked in pretty quick.
16:15I never learned to throw that day, but we got scared by a faucet and pooped ourselves in an Exxon station.
16:21I saw my whole life's timeline that afternoon, and it was beautiful.
16:24Now it's my 92nd birthday, and I'm on a sailboat about to drink a CVS brand euthanasia cocktail.
16:30If you compare it to the name brand euthanasia cocktails, it's the same ingredients for half the cost.
16:35In the future, we all die dignified deaths on sailboats.
16:38So that's why we guarantee that our cracks are 30% louder than that whack job next door.
16:47How do you measure that?
16:48With doctor things. Let's start.
16:53Wow, that was your C4 vertebra.
16:57Ah, that was your LMNOP.
16:59Take your time getting up. If you feel dizzy, it's probably from the vaccine.
17:02Chiropractors, show me one who's vaccinated.
17:04No, we don't validate parking, but if you buy a coffee down the block, they will.
17:12Dr. B. Dr. S.
17:14Dr. C.
17:15Saw you put a pink salt lamp in your window.
17:18Guess you're dabbling in witchcraft now?
17:20Nope, just good air quality.
17:22I heard you're still not paying for Pandora Premium, so your music has commercials.
17:27That sounds relaxing.
17:29Relaxing enough to be fully booked this weekend.
17:31Except for the lady who cancelled because Brian followed her on Instagram right after her appointment.
17:36Client outreach fail.
17:38Hi, we're from the Department of Health and Human Services.
17:42We've been asked to investigate your businesses for medical and insurance fraud.
17:46We can go in and grab your files, or you can grab them for us.
17:49Quick quesh, do you guys have agents on the back side of the building?
17:52We do.
17:53Ah, a perimeter.
17:54Good.
17:55How'd you catch us?
17:56The same thing that gets every chiropractor.
17:58The inflated phony charges, and the sports cars with vanity license plates.
18:02Figured you were either chiros or drug dealers.
18:07We'll give you five minutes to collect your tropical fish.
18:09Oh, those are long dead.
18:11I know you're nervous, Dad, but you can do this.
18:18No, it's not that.
18:20Do you think I have to shower with the team afterwards?
18:22You need to focus, Dad.
18:24Look at me.
18:25When you step out there, it's just you, the ball, and 2,000 people who are counting on you to fail.
18:31And if there's one thing I know about being your daughter, it's that when someone's counting on you, you always let them down.
18:38So are you gonna give them what they want, or are you gonna go out there and disappoint them?
18:43I only know one way.
18:46And now, to throw out our ceremonial first pitch, please welcome to the field, Peter, never heard of Taylor Swift, Griffin!
18:54Oh?
18:57Good luck. See you in the showers.
18:59Individual stalls with smoke glass doors?
19:01Nope.
19:02Big, echoey, 1960s Johnson danglers.
19:29No!
19:30What's going on?
19:32No!
19:33No!
19:34No!
19:35No!
19:36No!
19:37No!
19:38No!
19:39Yeah!
19:40No!
19:41No!
19:44No!
19:45That's all right.
19:46No!
19:47No!
19:48No!
19:49No!
19:50No!
19:51No!
19:52No!
19:53No!
19:54No!
19:55I can't believe it. I threw a passable strike.
20:00You're the only one who believed in me, Meg.
20:05Are you okay? Your arm is backwards and feels very hot.
20:09Good job, Peter. I guess you don't throw like a girl anymore.
20:12No. That's exactly what I throw like.
20:15Time for a victory lap.
20:17Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
20:20Is that how he really runs?
20:22I'll, uh, we'll work on that.
20:25A lot of people remembered my pitch that day.
20:29I'll remember it as the last day it was called Quahog Stadium.
20:33The next day, they changed the name to Pornhub Field,
20:37called the team The Jacks.
20:39People say America's changed, but I still think it's pretty great.
20:44Well, I was born in a small town.
20:46Where do you think you're going, Griffin?
20:56No one leaves without hitting the showers first.
20:58Can I wear my gym shorts?
21:00No! We gotta see it!
21:02That's baseball.
21:03That's baseball.
21:03Oh, yeah.
21:03That's baseball.
21:04Yeah.
21:05That's baseball.
21:05Yeah.
21:07Oh, man.
21:07There.
21:08That's baseball.
21:09Yeah.
21:09That's baseball.
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