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00:01It seems today that all you see
00:05Is violence in movies and sex on TV
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values
00:12On which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to give his hand to
00:22All the things that make us laugh and cry
00:25He's a family guy
00:42Well, it took a hundred pounds of rice
00:44But you're almost done, Jessica Chast Grain
00:47What's that? You want me to run away with you?
00:50But what about your husband, Gianluca Passi de Preposulo?
00:53Yeah, Italian names are stupid
00:57Aw, dammit! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!
01:00Nice
01:02What the hell's going on over here? You've been barking all morning
01:05Yeah, you're welcome. I'm protecting the neighborhood
01:08I heard from a dog who heard from a dog who heard from another dog
01:11That he saw a pack of coyotes on Spooner Street
01:13There are no coyotes on Spooner Street
01:15And your barking is driving me crazy, so just stop
01:17I can't
01:18And trust me, my bark is the only thing keeping these predators at bay
01:21Because if there's one thing that I will not allow in this neighborhood, it's predators
01:25Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert, how you doing today?
01:27Oh, you know me
01:28Easy peasy, youngsy boysy
01:31Sweet, sweet old fellow right there
01:33Hey, can I talk to you guys about Chris? I'm really worried about him
01:40What's wrong?
01:41Well, he needs to lose weight
01:43And his blood pressure's way too high
01:45I'm afraid he could end up with serious medical issues
01:47I mean, maybe even a wheelchair someday
01:49Hmm, if that were the case, I wonder if there's people on Craigslist you can hire to make that burden go away
01:56I'm just not sure what's the best way to get him healthier
01:59Maybe a guy named Tony Q?
02:01Well, I guess the first thing I should do is get him to lose some weight
02:04Maybe this guy Tony Q's even cheaper than you'd expect
02:08Or maybe there's a sport Chris could get involved in
02:12You know what? That's a great idea
02:14After all, sports are in his DNA
02:17Peter's great-grandfather invented one
02:19I call it basketball, boys
02:21Now prepare to be dazzled by the most thrilling move in my game
02:25Chest pass
02:26Hey, that looks like fun
02:28Can I try?
02:29No, no, no, no, no
02:30Just ask for a while
02:32Good afternoon, sir
02:38I'm looking for a Brian Griffin
02:40Joe, you've known me for years
02:42Come on, I gotta flop around for like an hour to get my uniform on
02:45So let me do the cop thing
02:46I received an anonymous complaint about your barking
02:49It was me, Brian
02:50I was the anonymous complaint
02:52This here's a court order that says you have to wear a bark collar
02:55Until the complainant is satisfied you can obey the local noise ordinance
02:59Joe, this is a flyer for your one-man show
03:02Joe Komotive
03:03The laughs have left the station
03:05Wow, and only five bucks a tick?
03:07I should investigate this next, cause that is a steal
03:10Anyway, the collar's programmed to give you a severe shock
03:13If you raise your voice above a certain decibel
03:18You're wasting your time
03:19That's a military-grade collar
03:21A little trickle-down from Gitmo
03:23And don't bother trying to cut it off
03:25You won't be able to
03:26It's Kevlar
03:27Same stuff Republicans want our kids to wear to school
03:31Joe Komotive
03:32All that and more
03:33Friday afternoon at the VFW parking lot
03:39Chris, your mother asked me to get you involved in a sport to help bring your blood pressure down
03:43Now, you have what we're no longer allowed to call imbecile strength
03:47So the first sport we're going to try is the shot put
03:50Just take this cannonball thingy, spin around like a maniac a few times, and heave it as far as you can
03:55Seems easy enough
04:00Oh no, your car
04:02Ha!
04:03Who's the pathetic loser for not having a windshield now, teens outside 7-Eleven
04:08The student you're matched up against today is Chris Griffin
04:13He's not much of an athlete, so go easy on him
04:16I wonder where he is anyway
04:18By God, it's the Griffinator from the top rope!
04:21Yeah!
04:23As a husky kid on the spectrum, this is the only kind of wrestling I'm into
04:27You don't have to explain yourself to me, Chris
04:30As an adult who's bath mad as newspapers, I'm pretty into it too
04:39Thanks for trying to help, Principal Shepard
04:41But I'm just not good at anything
04:42And all that stuff about carbo loading is BS, by the way
04:46I ate a whole pan of the milky mac and cheese at lunch and it didn't help one bit
04:52Uh-oh, I think the carbs just loaded
04:55Where's the bathroom?
04:57Uh, the closest one is all the way across the field
05:00It's okay, this isn't my first poop-trot rodeo
05:03I can clench and hustle
05:05Chris is using his hips to generate speed without dilating his anus
05:16It's the perfect race walking form
05:20Oh no, the door is locked!
05:23And wow, just wow
05:25A natural speed walker with form unlike any I've ever seen
05:29What the hell happened to us, Don?
05:31Don, eight years ago we were calling Major League Baseball
05:34And now we're hoping a teenager will speed walk by
05:37And I'll say the quiet part out loud
05:40No one wants to hire a white guy
05:42It's been a pleasure, Don
05:44You've been a life raft and an anchor, other Don
05:54So, are we all excited for Chris' first race walking competition?
05:58No! This is gonna be so boring
06:01Why couldn't Chris play a sport that's actually interesting?
06:04Oh Meg, race walking's plenty interesting
06:07If you know the first thing about it
06:09There's rules about heel and toe placement as well as leg straightness
06:14So keep an eye out for the judges' yellow and red paddles
06:17Those indicate a warning or disqualification
06:21Lois, we can see you sneak reading Wikipedia
06:23Alright, since none of you Gen Z snowflakes can be trusted around a starting pistol
06:28Listen for the starting kazoo
06:30On your marks, get set
06:32Kazoo!
06:33I, uh, lost the actual kazoo
06:36How is this?
06:39Got this!
06:40So it's really just walking, huh?
06:45God, by the time he's done I could foster another kid and raise him to play a better sport
06:49You know what? That's what I'm gonna do
06:52This is Rebecca, my new ward
06:59I found her under the overpass and said she could stay with us till she gets back on her feet
07:03Is the race over yet?
07:04Not even close
07:05Okay, I'm gonna go get this one a tetanus shot
07:07I imagine she's quite overdue
07:09Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois
07:16She's always felt like more than a foster
07:18And we've decided to explore those feelings
07:20We bought a condo in Tucson, so I'll be moving out
07:23Look! Here comes Chris!
07:30Winner!
07:31Rebecca!
07:33Great job, honey!
07:34Go, Chris!
07:35Well, she left me, Lois
07:36I gave her an ultimatum
07:37It was me or her tattoo artist
07:39But our thruple wasn't healthy for anybody
07:41She chose him rather quickly
07:43We sold the condo at a loss and she still has my credit cards
07:46All that's to say, I'm ready to rebuild what you and I once had
07:49You have to call the companies and cancel those cards
07:52I know
07:57Hey, there he is, Woofie Goldberg
08:00Eh?
08:01Arf Vader
08:02Bark Ruffalo
08:04Yeah, I should've stopped on that last one
08:06So, how you doing with that thing?
08:08I'm doing just fine, Stewie
08:09I'm in total control of my barking
08:11Well, that's good
08:12Because the fat man finally fixed that broken doorbell
08:15And you know that always gets your goat
08:17Is it working?
08:18Did I do good?
08:23Ow, dammit!
08:24Ow!
08:26Oh, God!
08:27That was awful!
08:28Well, lock myself out
08:29Anybody in there?
08:32Ow!
08:33Oh, wait, I got a key
08:34Someone I know is home!
08:36Ow!
08:37Someone I know is home!
08:38Ow!
08:39Ow!
08:40Hey, honey!
08:41I was just telling Bonnie and Donna what a star you've become on your new team, huh?
08:50Hey, I got an idea!
08:53Do you wanna take a stroll with us?
08:55First off, don't call it a stroll, it's insulting
08:58And a little heads up, if we do any photos, you gotta tape over that Skechers logo
09:02I'm a Rockport athlete
09:04When your joints are such a disaster even dress shoes need air pocket technology, it's Rockport!
09:10This next hill is really gonna test our medals, so why don't you ladies draft off me until we get to the top?
09:19Now, who remembers what to do when we get to the intersection?
09:22Walk in place like a lunatic who's clearly using this mild exercise to keep their own demons at bay?
09:28Why, Bonnie Swanson, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was race-walking gold medalist Maurizio Damiano or Ivano Brunieri!
09:38Italian names are so stupid!
09:44So, Brian, what can I do for you?
09:46Come here to beg to have that collar removed?
09:48Oh, this thing? It's actually been such a non-issue, I forgot I was wearing it.
09:52But since you brought it up, I feel like my barking is really under control now, so we can have Joe take it off.
09:59Shh. Do you hear that?
10:01That's peace and quiet.
10:06What was that? Did you just smell the silence?
10:09Why yes I did, Brian. Yes I did.
10:12Okay, fine, you were right. I was being a loud, annoying jerk, and I'm sorry, please have Joe take this off.
10:17Why do you think I like cats so much, Brian?
10:19so much Brian. 1980s fancy feast ads? 1980s fancy feast ads. But what I really love about cats is
10:24how quiet they are. They don't bark. They purr. Okay, so what's your point? I want to hear you
10:30purr. I can't. I won't. Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder would look in my front yard?
10:37Right there. Right there. In full view of your house. Okay, fine. Purr. You can do better than
10:44that. All right. There. Now will you call, Joe? What do you think, Miss Kittywitty? Was
10:52that a good purr? Ow! Sorry, Brian. She says no. And when a woman says no in this house,
10:58it means no as of March 5th, 2018.
11:14What the hell? What are you ladies doing here? We didn't have a walk planned today.
11:30Oh, we're here for Chris. What? Chris, when did you make plans with Bonnie and Donna?
11:35It was on the group text. I didn't see a group text. Oh. Well, give me a sec. I'll grab my
11:42shoes. Actually, Lois, today we're going to Three Wide Park. You know, that park where
11:47the trails are only three people wide? But you said your fibromyalgia is acting up anyway.
11:52Yeah, but I don't actually have fibromyalgia. Nobody does. You just say that to get out
11:58of stuff you don't want to do. What? Couldn't we just walk, you know, two and two?
12:02Officer Three Wide didn't die in a tragic freeway accident so we could dishonor his memory.
12:07Did you see that, Peter? Chris just went out for the afternoon with my friends and not
12:13one of them thought to include me. Ugh, so brutal. Hey, what do you say we go upstairs and I
12:19cheer you up? Oh, honey, I would, but my fibromyalgia's on fire today.
12:24Oh, dear, never mind. There's commercials for that, so I know it's real.
12:27Sorry I'm late. Me, Bon, and Don. That's Bonnie and Donna. We're in the zone on this morning's
12:39walk. Oh, is that right? Oh. What oh? Well, nothing. It's just me, me, and nah. That's
12:46also Bonnie and Donna. We're doing a vegan challenge. Excuse me, sir. Would you like some breakfast
12:53with your cholesterol? Chris, what the hell is this? Oh, sorry. Wrong, wrong chat. You
12:59know, I gotta say, I'm not crazy about all this time you're spending with Bonnie and Donna.
13:04What? Why? I like them. Because they're my middle-aged female friends, and lately it's
13:10like they enjoy hanging out with my teenage son more than me. It's inappropriate. We only
13:15started getting along because they like how I'm good at walking, which you told me to get
13:20into. I know, I know, and I'm happy you're healthier, but now you, Bonnie and Donna, are
13:25doing things without me and texting about the food I make. What? We don't do that. Hey,
13:33how do you spell uncoagulated? Like if something wasn't cooked nearly enough?
13:45Where the hell is Brian Griffin?
13:50Sorry, Quagmire. I didn't catch that. Could you speak up?
13:53No, I can't. Because if I raise my voice, I get freaking electrocuted. I have never been
13:58so furious. Take this off right now. No way. This is payback, you dick. I swear
14:03to God, I will choke you out with your own tail. Yeah, like to see you try, you sad, lonely
14:08douche.
14:12Where'd you get one of these things anyway? Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked. It was on the
14:16front seat. Hey, that's not cool, Brian. Those collars aren't easy to replace. Unlike
14:20congressional seats, you can't just go out and buy one.
14:24Tokomotive! Next stop, good times. Now available for all private events.
14:28A cafe gaggle without me? Well, you know what I might do? And I think I'm getting this
14:39right. I might just take the morning way after pill and then poof, he's gone.
14:47Oh, hey, fam.
14:48Oh, God. There's my mom.
14:50Wait, but if she's here, then who's at home doing the nothing all day?
14:54Chris, you're terrible. So what are we dishing about?
15:00Janet's husband? I love him. Hit her.
15:03You're kind of painted into a corner now, Mom.
15:05Is this chair being used? Yes, for Donna's purse.
15:10Oh, Kate Spade. You know she killed herself, right?
15:14Well, geez, Mom, what exactly do you think passes as acceptable brunch conversation?
15:20It's lady talk, Chris. You don't get it. Oh, speaking of, I know we said no more presents
15:26after we all got taken in that gift and table Ponzi scheme, but I could not help myself.
15:31I got tickets to Magic Mike Live.
15:35Oh, sorry, Chris. I didn't get one for you because I just assumed, you know, it wasn't
15:39exactly up your alley.
15:41Well, you assumed right. The Quahog production is family friendly.
15:45They only do the parts where Magic Mike works odd jobs to secure a business loan for furniture
15:49making.
15:50Oh. Say, I was about to get a latte. Who wants one? My treat.
15:56Actually, we were just leaving. We're going to Mount Quahog so Chris can show us how to
16:00walk while taking a business call on AirPods.
16:03If you're not at a volume that ruins nature for everyone else, you're doing it wrong.
16:08Okay, enough. I am sick of you two being so enamored with my dope son.
16:13Ever since he joined that stupid team, he's prancing around like some sort of fitness guru
16:17and you two eat it up with a spoon. Well, I'm going to prove Chris is the same little turd
16:21he was a week ago by beating him in a race walk and setting all of this back to the way
16:27it was.
16:27Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.
16:29You know she killed herself, right?
16:31Stop it.
16:32See? They get it.
16:37I hope that extra strength trash bag commercial was exaggerating what happens if you use the
16:41leading brand.
16:43Ah, they weren't exaggerating. Look at this. Covered in rabbit stew. The curse of cooking
16:49for one is always the leftovers for many.
16:55Oh my god, coyotes. Brian was right. Listen to me. Brian was right. I bet hell just froze
17:01over.
17:02It's freezing in here.
17:04You were just hot two seconds ago.
17:06Well, now I'm cold.
17:08Who's that?
17:09You knew my sister was coming.
17:10Hell, her sister's here too.
17:19Help. Help. Help.
17:22Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's.
17:27And somebody's having a really hard time with Axle F on the keyboard.
17:35It's quite a mountain to climb, but oh, what a view.
17:38Hey. Back off.
17:52Brian, what are you doing? Get out of here or they'll tear us both apart.
17:55Don't worry, Quagmire. I know what I'm doing.
17:57Ryan, you saved my life. But why? I've been a total dick all week.
18:23Because I'm a dog. And it's my duty to protect this neighborhood.
18:28We might hate each other, but as long as you live next door, you'll always be safe on Spooner Street.
18:35They got me, Daddy!
18:37Take the extra slam jams out of your socks, Junior. Take the slam jams out of your socks.
18:42Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?
18:48No running?
18:49No running, yeah.
18:50Okay, on your marks, get set, kazoo!
18:52Yeah!
18:54Hello. I'm Oscar-winning actor and often impersonated Christopher Walken.
19:00Here to announce this Walken race.
19:03Am I really him? I'm not even sure anymore.
19:05Strangers come up to me doing better me's than me, and I say, hey, that's me.
19:12But invariably, I learn it is not me. I'm me, I think.
19:17Look at them hoofing it through the streets of Quahog.
19:21That's a mighty fine walk-in, and I should know.
19:24Pause for laughter.
19:25And look out up ahead, because there's a patch of wet cement that has been freshly smoothed by a very satisfied ethnic worker.
19:36Oh, come on, says the man, slamming his trowel into the wet cement, further damaging it.
19:42Oh, no! He's injured his hamstring!
19:58Dramatic music!
20:02Congratulations, Mom.
20:04You beat me fair and square, said Chris.
20:06No, Mr. Walken, we're done with you.
20:10Christopher, you lost on purpose, didn't you?
20:13Why?
20:14Because I want you to win this race, Mom.
20:16You looked out for me by getting me involved in sports.
20:19Now, I'm looking out for you.
20:21You need Bonnie and Donna more than I do.
20:24Oh, thank you, Chris.
20:29Also, adult female friends swap nudes way less than I was led to believe, like basically never.
20:35And that was not an insignificant part of my involvement in this charade.
20:42I just wanted to tell you again, Chris, I really appreciate what you did for me with Bonnie and Donna.
20:51It's all right, Mom.
20:52Once I realized that being in a woman friendship didn't involve the sending back and forth of nudes, I was kind of over it.
20:59Yeah, yeah, you mentioned that before.
21:01Well, that's how important it is to me.
21:34But we'll be right back.