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Rapid Reel
  • 6/2/2025
#CinemaJourney
#Family
#Guy
Transcript
00:01It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV.
00:08But where are those good old-fashioned values on which we used to rely?
00:15Lucky is a family guy.
00:18Lucky is a man who wants to keep his hand through all the things that make us laugh and cry.
00:25He's a family guy!
00:39Wow, someone seems happy today.
00:41Damn right! Today's the big day!
00:43You're getting off parole? Does this mean I can finally stop giving you my pee?
00:48Not yet, so stay off drugs and keep that hose flowing.
00:52Tonight is girls' night!
00:54Women's night. You're all in your 40s.
00:56We're going to an I Love the 90s concert.
00:59I cannot wait to mumble the rap lyrics I'm not supposed to say.
01:03Hey, Chief. Cooking up a little hijinks there?
01:06Yeah, me and the guys are gonna make non-consensual prank videos by dumping marbles at the park.
01:11It's gonna be hilarious once we edit out the ambulances.
01:13Just make sure you're back by five.
01:15You need to watch Stewie tonight while I'm out with the girls.
01:18Women. I'll be back in time, don't worry.
01:20Don't blow this fat man. You're already on thin ice since you crashed that airplane into my cheek.
01:25Off and wide, here comes the airplane.
01:32We're all gonna die!
01:33Sir, please remain calm and stay soggy.
01:35Hail Mary full of grain.
01:37Busby is with thee.
01:38Wake up, Cheerio Army.
01:42General Mills is lying to you.
01:44The cheek crash did not happen.
01:46There's no proof of purchase.
01:48Plus, oat milk can't melt steel spoons.
01:51You know what's crazy? There were no Juwios in the mouth that day.
01:55I'm not saying, but I'm just saying.
02:02Where the hell is Peter? He was supposed to be here to watch Stewie two hours ago.
02:06Yeah, poor kid feels so let down he started auditioning new dads.
02:10Hi. I'm here to audition to be your dad.
02:12Oh, this isn't for the role of my dad. It's for the role of my daddy.
02:16Stewie! Mom couldn't get the poo stains out of your Moana onesie.
02:21She said she's gonna wash it again.
02:23Shut up! I'm trying to create a vibe here!
02:26Oh, damn it! I'm missing the moment of silence for Kurt Cobain and the other Manili.
02:32I can explain.
02:33Don't bother.
02:34You should see the other guys.
02:36Yeah, it was a pretty weird night.
02:37I got wind!
02:39Peter stuck in ice again?
02:45Yeah.
02:46Uh-uh. I said no booby bills.
02:49Nipples all mushed up on Ben Franklin.
02:52And that's exactly why I invented eyeglasses.
02:56Oh, I can't believe Peter ruined my whole evening.
02:59Did Sir Mix-a-Lot go on yet?
03:01Yeah, but he's already burned through his hits,
03:03so now he's doing an awful Baby Got Back remix about knees.
03:07I like thick knees when they bend real high.
03:10Some brothers wanna love that tie.
03:12When a girl walks in better show me them shins and Ben.
03:15Lookin' like the letter N, I get Chubb.
03:22Ah, it's so nice to hang at our regular bar that everyone is familiar with.
03:26What's with all the schlubby white boys with notebooks in here?
03:29Lookin' like Josh Gad's stenographer.
03:31Oh no, tonight's open mic night.
03:33These comics are always so hacky.
03:35Then I said, I want the booty, and I ain't talkin' about doubloons.
03:41Ah, you look like a good crowd.
03:43Any spice merchants here tonight?
03:45I'm a lawyer.
03:46Of the high seas?
03:47I handle zoning disputes.
03:49Then I got nothin'.
03:51Ugh, it's Peter again.
03:53He's been texting me all night.
03:55You know, he's so helpless when I'm not around.
03:57Hey, could you put your phone away?
04:10My parents are here tonight.
04:11Rory gave us grandchildren, Seamus gives us this.
04:14Well, maybe if you were actually funny, I'd listen.
04:17You Davy Jones lock a bit?
04:19Vah, she blows!
04:22If you think it's so easy, you should put your treasure where your mouth is and go next!
04:26No, no, I'm not a comedian.
04:28I could never.
04:30Oh my gosh, you should do it, Lois.
04:32You think so?
04:34Yes, and not just because you're sneezing and coughing and I don't want you next to me.
04:38I don't know.
04:39You really think I'd be good?
04:41Just go!
04:48Hey, I don't really know what to talk about up here.
04:52Frankly, my whole life is dealing with my idiot husband, Peter.
04:56I had to chisel his fat ass out of ice today.
04:59Yeah, who knew a one-inch nub could shrink?
05:03Is so true.
05:04You don't have a man.
05:05How would you know?
05:06When my roommate falls asleep, I crank pornos.
05:10Most couples have an active sex life.
05:13Peter has an active sex life.
05:16Yeah, my husband and I, we enjoyed 20 happy years.
05:19Then we met.
05:21Ladies, show of hands, huh?
05:23How many of you have ever faked an orgasm?
05:26Okay, now how many of you have ever faked penetration?
05:36Well, I need a drink.
05:37Hey, I just want to say, I think you're great.
05:38Look, pal, I know nothing is harder to a guy than a woman who's funnier than them, but I'm taken.
05:48I know, I heard your set.
05:49Those dumb husband jokes crushed.
05:51Oh, God, it was such a rush up there.
05:54Like when you're driving without your seat belt and the bell keeps dinging to put it on, but you just keep going because it's a short trip, you know?
06:01Hey, I run a bunch of comedy clubs around the city and we're always looking for new talent. You interested?
06:07Oh, well, yeah, of course.
06:11Great. Hopefully you can come up with more material about that husband of yours.
06:15I don't know. I mean, I probably shouldn't slam my husband like that on a regular basis.
06:19Oh, there you are. Quick update. I found the mail, but it was in a red bottle under the sink and they misspelled it Drano.
06:25Anyway, everyone's outside in an ambulance when you're ready.
06:28Hey, Lois, you busy? I thought we could go to the park and make hammocks for squirrels with your bras again. They really dug it last time.
06:41Peter's a weird guy, but I like him.
06:43Dude cares about rodent comfort. That's just a fact.
06:46Sorry, I have plans.
06:48Fine, I'll go alone, but I'm taking your tampons to make speed bumps for snakes.
06:52Have you noticed Lois has had plans a lot lately?
06:55Yeah, something's definitely up. Last night there was adrenaline in her breast milk, and lately she's been rushing through all her housework.
07:02Mommy, I had an oopsie.
07:09Oh.
07:10Hey, get back here and do the front.
07:12This isn't right. I have to talk to her about this.
07:15Look, we both know what's going on here, so if you are cheating on Peter, maybe let me get a whack at it?
07:21Shoot your shot, playboy.
07:23What? Now, I am not cheating on Peter, but, well, I have been hiding something.
07:28I've been doing stand-up for the past few weeks.
07:31Ha! I even came up with a great stage name, Lois the Crowd Killer.
07:35But it was too long for the marquee, so I shortened it to Lois CK.
07:39Are you still, like, workshopping that?
07:41No, and I'm trying to keep it low-key.
07:43The routines, well, they're about my life, and, you know, Peter may not like what he hears.
07:48Ah, commenting on the human condition.
07:51You know, George Carlin once said...
07:53Yeah, we're all on Facebook, Brian.
07:55Anyway, I'm doing stand-up. You're not a part of this. Don't tell Peter.
07:59Yeah, we're all on Facebook, 3, and there is a part of this.
08:00I'm going to talk to you.
08:01I love you, guys.
08:02But, it's a good story.
08:03I love you.
08:04I love you!
08:05I love you.
08:06Where are you, guys?
08:07I love you.
08:08I love you, guys!
08:09I love you.
08:10I love you guys, guys!
08:11I love you, guys.
08:12I love you!
08:14I love you.
08:15Oh, my God.
08:44I love people like that. They are so brave.
08:46You want to talk about brave? Try getting paid to tell jokes.
08:50Sure, I guess.
08:51That's something, too?
08:53I am a Sherpa, guiding you into the places in your mind you're afraid to go.
08:58See, comics are philosophers.
09:01We hold up a mirror to society and say,
09:03Look, I don't do jokes. I do truth.
09:08The first time I touched that mic, it was like a religious experience,
09:12if I believed in religion, which I don't.
09:14They're all sheep preying to the invisible man in the sky.
09:17As you can see, I did not pull that punch.
09:20Ew, is that what I sound like with book stuff?
09:22Afraid so bright.
09:23Oh, God.
09:24Oh, I got a tag for that.
09:26After God, you should say,
09:27If it's the Last Supper, then there better be dessert.
09:30I don't get it.
09:31Yeah, it's pretty heady.
09:33Hey, I'd love to keep talking bits,
09:34but I need to go listen to my set to see if my voice sounds as shrill
09:38as that incel reddit page says.
09:40It must be hard knowing that Lois achieved her dream so fast
09:44while your writing career has gone nowhere.
09:46I'll have you know that my book was recently picked up
09:48on garbage day.
09:51Lois was cleaning out the garage.
09:53Face it, she's lapping you, bro.
09:54Her new name is Ois,
09:56because you took the L.
09:57Boom!
09:58Mark it on the burn board.
09:59Get it together, Chrissy.
10:04You can burn with the big boys.
10:06You're the golden child.
10:07Okay, here goes.
10:09You're a dog that does people things.
10:13Rachel, come on.
10:14You know me.
10:15I went to your sister's wedding.
10:21Stewie.
10:22I told you not to send your kid to private school.
10:24You're never gonna believe this.
10:30That the tennis ball is still in your hand
10:31when you fake a throw?
10:32You're right.
10:33I don't believe it.
10:34No!
10:34I'm getting a Netsif special!
10:37You mean Netflix?
10:38No, Netsif.
10:39The New England Theatre Conference Comedy Festival.
10:42It's the biggest mid-Atlantic regional comedy event
10:45in the greater Rhode Island area.
10:46They're gonna run my special on channel 385.
10:50And that's good?
10:51Well, it'll be on after the city council meeting
10:54where the camera drifts slowly to the left
10:55until it's fully facing the wall,
10:57so you tell me.
10:58If it goes well,
11:00they might even sell the special to Foopy.
11:02Is that an Asian dish?
11:04It's a streamer.
11:06Any two nonsense syllables are a streamer.
11:08Achoo!
11:09Oh, I love their shows.
11:10Break out the Kleenex.
11:12Congrats, Lois.
11:13This special sounds like a really big deal.
11:15Do you feel ready?
11:17Actually, no.
11:18It tapes next week,
11:19and they want a whole hour.
11:21I'm gonna need way more material.
11:23Oh, who knows?
11:23Maybe you'll get lucky,
11:24and Peter will screw up more than usual this week.
11:27Hmm.
11:27Screw up more than usual.
11:33Next round's on me, boys.
11:35Jeez, Peter,
11:36you're throwing around some serious coin tonight.
11:38Usually, you just buy one drink for the table
11:40and put four straws in,
11:41so we have to drink it together
11:43like a milkshake in an Archie comic.
11:45Lois gave me a bunch of cash,
11:46told me to get as drunk as I want,
11:48and then just do whatever pops into my head.
11:50Wait, those belong to a man?
11:52Well, now I feel like the boob.
11:55Ben Franklin, he also invented
11:58good stoves.
11:59I did.
12:01Peter, you need to see what Bonnie just posted on Facebook.
12:04More bikini shots already?
12:06I'm still working through the last batch.
12:08Emphasis on batch.
12:09Giggity.
12:09He's so dumb,
12:12he hit his head
12:13trying to dive into his ocean screensaver.
12:15I didn't know Lois was doing comedy,
12:17but that's hilarious.
12:18That guy she's talking about
12:20sounds like a real dope.
12:21Ha ha ha!
12:22He couldn't satisfy his wife
12:23on their wedding night.
12:25Huh.
12:26She just held up a picture of me.
12:28Probably to show what the cuck doesn't look like.
12:30How do we break it to him?
12:32Well, he's not getting it verbally,
12:33so we're gonna have to do ASL.
12:35Hey, Peter.
12:36Peter.
12:37Peter.
12:39How dare you, Lois!
12:53You have made a complete fool out of me!
12:55And after I worked my fingers to the bone
12:57renovating our bathroom!
12:58About that,
12:59why did you mount the toilet on the ceiling?
13:03The blueprints were upside down.
13:05See?
13:06This is what I'm talking about!
13:07Your whole life is a joke!
13:09Excuse me for noticing.
13:10For God's sake,
13:11you were the first video
13:12on 2017's epic Rope Swing Fails.
13:15You think Harry Potter
13:16was based on a true story.
13:18Don't twist my words, alright?
13:19I said there are probably
13:20wizard schools.
13:22Look, Peter,
13:22for years,
13:23I've had to put a good face on
13:24while you act like
13:25an ignorant, impulsive child,
13:27and it is exhausting!
13:29I finally found a way
13:30to turn my pain into art,
13:32and nothing is gonna stop me
13:34because Lois C.K.
13:35is standing in the doorway of comedy,
13:37and you're gonna watch me
13:38until I erupt
13:39with jokes.
13:41We'll see how funny you are
13:43when you don't have this idiot
13:44to make fun of anymore.
13:49Good morrow, family.
13:51Christopher,
13:51Stuart,
13:52Megan,
13:53Douglas,
13:54Lois or Beth.
13:55Hmm.
13:56In a right triangle,
13:58the sign of a given angle
13:59is equal to the ratio
14:00of the side opposite that angle
14:02to the hypotenuse,
14:03and a hypotenuse
14:04is not a math hippo.
14:06So you lied to me?
14:08I just always wanted a family,
14:10and I thought that
14:11this could be my way in.
14:13Is that even your visor?
14:15I stole it off
14:16a blackjack dealer.
14:17It didn't chase me
14:18because it was too sad.
14:22And how are your studies?
14:24Oh, I'm all automotive now.
14:25I spend my days
14:26under a Dodge Charger
14:27and evenings in the backseat.
14:29Always a pleasure
14:30chatting with you.
14:31I saved the comics
14:32for you, Dad.
14:33No, thank you.
14:34Today I'll be reading
14:35the funny business section.
14:37Lasagna futures tumble
14:39in Worst Monday Ever.
14:42I warned him
14:43to diversify
14:44into other noodles.
14:45Could you pass
14:46the fiber one?
14:47They should call it fiber two
14:48because of what it makes
14:50you do, right, Dad?
14:51Christopher,
14:52to your room
14:52this instant!
14:53Okay,
14:54what is going on
14:55with you today?
14:56What is going on
14:57is I will no longer
14:58be your fool.
14:59If you'll excuse me,
15:00a man from Craigslist
15:01is here to buy
15:02my box of shenanigans.
15:10Whatever this is,
15:11it won't last.
15:12Buffoonery
15:13is in your blood.
15:17Why, aorta?
15:18Seven brave astronauts
15:26lost their lives
15:27that day, Lois.
15:28That's the opposite
15:29of silly.
15:31Okay,
15:32we caught the
15:33escaped giraffe,
15:34but who's gonna ride
15:35him back to the zoo?
15:38Oh-ho!
15:39What do you say,
15:40Peter?
15:41Would you rather
15:42ride the giraffe
15:43or take a sensible
15:44family car?
15:45Bring me to the park.
15:52I want a dog.
15:54He'll never be able
15:55to keep it up.
15:56He's kept it up.
15:58My stand-up special
15:58is next week
15:59and I am desperate
16:00for material.
16:01Peter's given me squat.
16:03He is drier
16:04than a triscuit.
16:06Hey,
16:06how do I delete
16:07Grown Ups 3
16:08off the DVR
16:08to make room
16:09for Ken Burns'
16:10dust bowl?
16:10I don't want
16:11to miss the episode
16:12on Oki migration.
16:13He's been like
16:14this all week.
16:15Last night,
16:16he gave his
16:16whoopee cushion
16:17a Viking funeral.
16:25Maybe you need
16:25to broaden out
16:26your topics?
16:27The audience
16:28just wants to
16:28hear about your life.
16:30You're right,
16:31Bon.
16:31A good stand-up
16:32can make anything
16:33funny.
16:34Okay,
16:34I'm gonna start
16:34right now.
16:35This is really great.
16:36Women supporting women.
16:37I couldn't agree more.
16:42Us ladies
16:42need to stick together.
16:48Absolutely.
16:49We can't let
16:49petty differences
16:50divide us.
16:58Five minutes,
16:59Mrs. G.
17:00I told you
17:01to stop peeking
17:01your head
17:02and then just
17:02fully enter.
17:03Sorry,
17:04Mrs. G.
17:04I'm self-conscious
17:05about my legs.
17:06Hey,
17:06is Dad coming
17:07tonight?
17:08Oh,
17:08I don't think so.
17:09He's being a little
17:10bitch about my jokes
17:10about him being
17:11a little bitch.
17:12All right,
17:13time to go live
17:13on Instagram
17:14to service my fans.
17:16Oh,
17:16what up,
17:17Lois Hive?
17:18I'm about to
17:19tape my first special.
17:21Thanks to all
17:21my lohos out there
17:22for supporting
17:23your girl.
17:24We out here.
17:26Am I using
17:26that right,
17:27Meg?
17:27I don't know.
17:28I'm a dork,
17:29too.
17:29Okay,
17:29this is a sponsored
17:30post,
17:31so I'd like to
17:32give a shout-out
17:32thank you to
17:33Dr. Violet's
17:34feminine de-mustin
17:35powder.
17:36When you musty,
17:37it's a must.
17:40Now,
17:41give it up for
17:41the husband slayer,
17:43Lois Seacal.
17:45How you feeling
17:46tonight,
17:47co-hog?
17:48Ha-ha!
17:49Let's get right
17:50into it.
17:51So,
17:51the other day,
17:52Peter sits me down.
17:53Ooh,
17:53here it comes.
17:54I bet she's about
17:55to say something
17:56derogatory about
17:57his genitals.
17:58She's also clever
17:59about his obesity.
18:00My father died
18:01this morning,
18:01but I bought
18:02the tickets before
18:03that.
18:03No,
18:04he wanted to
18:04review this
18:05year's tax code
18:05to look for
18:06additional deductions.
18:07Well,
18:08how about
18:08deducting all
18:09those receipts
18:09from my kitchen
18:10table?
18:11You're too
18:12messy!
18:12These are
18:19theater chairs.
18:20They're not
18:20supposed to
18:21swivel.
18:21Huh.
18:22They're weird.
18:23Did you break
18:24our chair?
18:24I improved
18:25your chair.
18:26Actually,
18:27my whole street
18:28is full of weirdos.
18:29So,
18:29my crippled
18:30neighbor,
18:30he's a real
18:31jerk.
18:32He's so
18:32handicapped,
18:33he gets to
18:33park inside
18:34the bank.
18:35You're too
18:35messy!
18:36Huh.
18:42Is this
18:43thing on?
18:44Oh,
18:44I'm on,
18:45honey.
18:45They can
18:46hear you
18:46just fine.
18:48Okay,
18:48you're gonna
18:49love this
18:49one.
18:50So,
18:50there's this
18:50predator
18:51next door
18:51that we
18:51still hang
18:52out with
18:53even though
18:53he hurts
18:53women.
18:55I'm still
18:56working on
18:56the punchline
18:56for that
18:57one.
18:57Ginger,
18:58bitch,
18:58married a
18:59loser
18:59because she's
19:00a loser.
19:00My dad died
19:01during routine
19:02knee surgery.
19:03Please,
19:03stop.
19:04Look,
19:04I just
19:05want to
19:05make you
19:05laugh.
19:06Well,
19:06we don't
19:07like your
19:07jokes.
19:08And Will
19:08Smith said
19:09we're allowed
19:09to hit
19:09comics.
19:14Oh,
19:15hey,
19:15hey,
19:15guys,
19:16I just
19:16wanted her
19:16to bomb,
19:17but not
19:17this.
19:18This is
19:18what bombing
19:19is now.
19:20Beatings
19:20are the
19:20new
19:21booze.
19:22Look,
19:22I know
19:23you've
19:23all had
19:24or will
19:24have
19:24two
19:25drinks
19:25at
19:25minimum,
19:26but
19:26please,
19:26calm
19:26down.
19:34Hey,
19:35you gonna
19:35huck that?
19:35I'm
19:36still
19:36working
19:36on it.
19:37Oh.
19:40What's
19:40with the
19:40flimsy cans?
19:41We drink
19:42hard
19:42seltzer
19:42now.
19:43At least
19:44go get
19:44beer bottles
19:45to throw
19:45like a
19:45respectable
19:46rioter.
19:46Oh,
19:48my God,
19:49Peter.
19:50All this
19:50time,
19:51I was
19:51belittling
19:51you,
19:52but you
19:52did what
19:53I wasn't
19:53willing to
19:53do for
19:54you.
19:55Protect
19:55my spouse
19:56from public
19:57ridicule,
19:57when holy
19:58crap,
19:59we only got
19:59eight seconds
19:59left in
20:00tonight's
20:00episode.
20:01You don't
20:01have to be
20:01smart for
20:02me,
20:02you're
20:02serious,
20:03I married
20:03you for
20:04who you
20:04are,
20:04a good
20:04husband,
20:05blah,
20:05blah,
20:05blah,
20:05blah.
20:05And I
20:06married
20:06you
20:06because
20:06you
20:06did
20:07mouth
20:07stuff
20:07in
20:07the
20:07car
20:07that
20:08one
20:08time,
20:08but overall,
20:09that's not
20:09really who
20:09you are.
20:15Hey,
20:15I'm sorry
20:16for ruining
20:17your special,
20:17Lois.
20:18Oh,
20:18that's okay,
20:19it all
20:19worked out.
20:20They actually
20:20ended up
20:21giving it
20:21to Joe
20:22instead.
20:25And boy,
20:26I'm glad
20:26I'm not a cop
20:27in D.C.
20:28I'd be
20:28writing
20:28tickets for
20:29gridlock.
20:31You know
20:31what D.C.
20:31stands for,
20:32dumb
20:33Congress.
20:34Hey,
20:35three congressmen
20:35walked into
20:36a bar.
20:37Nothing
20:37happened.
20:38You know,
20:39you don't
20:39have to
20:39clap after
20:40every joke.
20:41I'd prefer
20:41if you
20:41laughed.
20:42Stop that!
20:50I like
20:50thick knees
20:51when they
20:52bend real
20:52high.
20:53Some
20:53brothers
20:53want to
20:53love that
20:54tie.
20:55When that
20:55girl walks
20:55in,
20:56better show
20:56me them
20:56shins and
20:57bin.
20:57Looking
20:57like the
20:58letter N,
20:58I get
20:59chub.
20:59I like
20:59them hard
21:00and phony.
21:00Not
21:01prosthetic
21:01and phony.
21:02Much
21:02love to
21:03the honeys
21:03with
21:03glamour.
21:04Knees
21:04be
21:05knockin'
21:05like
21:05a
21:05ball
21:05piece
21:06hammer.
21:06I
21:06don't
21:07want
21:07them
21:07foot
21:07bones,
21:08elbows,
21:08and
21:08shoulders
21:09making
21:09arms
21:09fold.
21:10I
21:10want
21:10to
21:10see
21:11meniscus.
21:11Without knees
21:12can't be
21:12my
21:13missus.
21:14So I
21:14cook them
21:14pants legs.
21:15Cuff them,
21:16baby,
21:16show me
21:17them
21:17pegs.
21:18I'm
21:18talking
21:18femur and
21:19tibia
21:19jeopardy,
21:20baby,
21:20knee
21:21trivia.
21:21lady
21:28knee
21:28caps.
21:47y
21:48co
21:48them
21:49who
21:49is
21:50a