- 5/9/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 16 No Motorcycles
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TVTranscript
00:01What's that on the floor?
00:03The poem I wrote about kittens.
00:06That's so weird.
00:08I guess I have no choice but to bend over,
00:11wearing last year's shorts,
00:14and pick it up.
00:22It's really sick, Mom.
00:25Yes, no, maybe
00:29I don't know
00:32Can you repeat the question?
00:35You're not the boss of me now
00:38You're not the boss of me now
00:41You're not the boss of me now
00:43And you're not so big
00:46You're not the boss of me now
00:49You're not the boss of me now
00:52You're not the boss of me now
00:54And you're not so big
00:58Life is unfair.
01:28But I brought a salad.
01:29Oh, thank you, Piyama.
01:30That's so thoughtful.
01:32I'll just take it in the kitchen and rewash it.
01:36Oh.
01:38I am so excited.
01:41Yeah, it's going to be a great party.
01:43No, not the party.
01:44The, you know what?
01:48Oh, yeah.
01:50Thank you so much.
01:52I've been looking forward to this for 12 years.
01:5512 long years.
01:57Yes, well, it's going to be everything you dreamed it would.
02:05This totally makes the Peter Pan thing worthwhile.
02:10Peter Pan.
02:12Peter Pan?
02:14Peter Pan.
02:18I am so sorry.
02:22I didn't know your school play was today.
02:25I saw me leaving this costume.
02:28Francis, please stop crying.
02:29I am so sorry.
02:31Look, I'll do anything to make it up to you.
02:33What do you want?
02:34I'll do anything.
02:35I want to go on a motorcycle trip like you always talk about.
02:39Honey, that was way back in college, and you know how your mother feels.
02:44I want a motorcycle trip with my dad!
02:47Okay, okay.
02:48I'll tell you what.
02:50When you turn 21, I promise I will take you on the most awesome special motorcycle trip,
02:56okay?
02:57We'll go when you turn 21.
02:59Oh, yeah.
03:00Motorcycle trip.
03:01At first, I thought you were just saying it to shut me up.
03:06You're just saying this to shut me up!
03:07No!
03:08Son, this is a promise!
03:10On the day of your 21st birthday, I swear by all that is holy, you and I will go on a
03:14father-son motorcycle trip, so help me God!
03:16How are you going to get Mom to let you?
03:17I swear on my life, Francis, nothing will stop this!
03:22This is the holiest, most sacred promise between a father and a son, and nothing, and I mean
03:37nothing, can ever undo this promise!
03:42Boy, sure liked to nail things down, didn't I?
03:45Oh, yeah.
03:46It's going to be great!
03:48Wait, wasn't there...
03:53This is sealed in blood!
03:56Do you hear me, son?
03:58Sealed in blood!
04:02Crap.
04:04Okay, I'll pitch in three dollars for Francis' birthday present.
04:07Me too.
04:08And three for me.
04:09So we're a grid.
04:10We're giving Francis nine dollars for his birthday.
04:13Hey!
04:14Your friend's outside.
04:18What do you mean, friend?
04:19Your friend.
04:20Randy.
04:21Somebody.
04:22Really big kid.
04:23Randy Zane?
04:24Yeah!
04:25I think he wants to play baseball.
04:27What?
04:28He's outside right now with his bat.
04:30Seems really impatient.
04:31You know, I told you boys if you just made an effort you can make friends.
04:35You see, you listen to me and it paid off.
04:38Just think how much easier your lives would be if you listened to me all the time.
04:43God, he looks mad.
04:48Which one of us do you think he wants?
04:50Reese, it's obviously you.
04:53That must have been his bite that you superglued to the train tracks.
04:56We don't know that.
04:57You were pretty fast and loose with that doll crap slingshot the other day.
05:01How do you know you didn't hit him?
05:02What about you?
05:03How many people did you convince to buy those algebra pills?
05:06You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't all pull this crap at the same time.
05:11I suggested a rotating calendar years ago and you guys ignored me.
05:15And here we are!
05:16Let's just go tell Mom.
05:18We can't!
05:19If we send Mom out there, Randy will just tell her what we did and then they'll both be after us.
05:24Did you see the movie where Freddy teamed up with Jason?
05:27Is that what you want?
05:28Then what do we do?
05:29He can't stand out there forever.
05:31We just wait him out.
05:33So what if he had to stay inside for a while?
05:39Oh my God!
05:40He's still out there!
05:42I think he grew!
05:45Why is he smoking two cigarettes?
05:49Those are his eyes!
05:54Hal, what are you doing?
05:56Just trying to think of some wise things to say to Francis tomorrow.
06:00The father should have some wisdom for his son, don't you think?
06:04Well, it is a big day.
06:06You only turn 21 once.
06:13Hey, remember before he was born and I had that Harley day?
06:19No motorcycles ever!
06:22You do not talk about motorcycles!
06:24You do not think, you do not wish, you do not even reminisce about those stupid idiotic death traps!
06:30They do not exist!
06:32Motorcycles do not exist!
06:35Say it!
06:36Motorcycles do not exist.
06:38What does not exist?
06:40I don't know.
06:41Good!
06:42Good!
06:45He was out there all night?
06:47Doesn't he get bored?
06:49Do sharks get bored?
06:51You know what?
06:52We'll just stay inside all day today, too.
06:54We can last longer than he can.
06:58Mmm, so that's your famous pasta sauce Francis talks so much about.
07:03Yeah, I only make it for birthdays and acquittals.
07:06One time it was both.
07:07I just love the smell of home cooking.
07:10Really?
07:11Do you know there's a way to get that smell in your own house?
07:15Okay, it's all set up.
07:17The rental place is delivering two motorcycles to the gas station on 10th and Coolidge.
07:22I already have a couple of satchels packed.
07:24At 5.30 we'll just slip out and disappear.
07:27This is so awesome.
07:29So Francis, your birthday dinner starts at 6.
07:32I hope you're hungry.
07:33Oh gosh, I sure am!
07:35I'm hungry for all of it!
07:37My only problem will be deciding which amazing side dish to eat first, but I guess I'll solve
07:42that problem at 6 o'clock, cause that's when my birthday party starts!
07:46Be cool!
07:47We're gonna be stuck in here forever!
08:03It'll be fine.
08:05Eventually he'll get bored or tired or die of starvation.
08:09But who knows how long they could take?
08:12I'm going crazy here!
08:13I mean look at me!
08:14I'm reading a book!
08:15This is dumb.
08:16I'm not gonna do this anymore.
08:18I'm just gonna go out and see if it's me you want.
08:21What are you nuts?
08:22I'm not gonna live like this.
08:24I've been beaten before.
08:26I'm just gonna get it over with and live the rest of my life.
08:30God, he's walking right up to him.
08:37Randy's hitting him!
08:39He's hitting him!
08:40It's not us!
08:42You know, for a little kid he can really take a punch.
08:49I can't believe I've been going so easy on him.
08:52Give me the tape and I'll get the side.
08:55Oh, I got it.
08:56This tape dispenser is tricky.
08:58It'll take me longer to explain it.
09:09Dewey!
09:10Are you okay?
09:11Boy, that was a beating.
09:13I mean, no offense to you guys, but wow!
09:16Why did he beat you up, did he say?
09:18Actually, he said it wasn't me.
09:20Then why did he beat you up?
09:22He said it was just a warm up.
09:24Then he said to send out my brother.
09:26Which brother?
09:27Me or Malcolm?
09:28He just said brother.
09:30Boy, what a weight off!
09:32It's just so great to have this over with!
09:35I'm finally free!
09:37And I'm getting some major tooth fairy money.
09:43You know, Hal, I realized this afternoon
09:45we don't have any pictures from Francis' birthday parties.
09:48I want to make sure you have plenty of film in the camera.
09:50Will do!
09:51Get ready for a boatload of memories!
09:55Uh, Dad?
09:56Can you come out of here for a sec?
09:58No, no, no, no, no!
09:59These were supposed to go to the gas station!
10:00That's what I'm telling him!
10:01Look, this is the address that's on the credit card.
10:02But these can't be anywhere near here!
10:03You have to take them to the gas station!
10:04I'm not even sure to touch these things once they're off the truck.
10:19But you know, you want to take them down to the gas station?
10:23They are motorcycles.
10:25Is everything okay out there, honey?
10:27Fine!
10:28No problem!
10:29Francis just wanted to make sure that we weren't wearing the same outfit tonight!
10:33Okay, just help me get these in the garage.
10:35Wow!
10:36Those are cool!
10:37Listen, do not say a word about this.
10:41If you just stay quiet, I promise when you turn 21, I will take you on a trip with me on a rocket ship!
10:47A rocket ship, Dewey!
10:49I swear on my life!
10:50I swear on everything that is sacred!
10:52As God is my witness!
10:56Oh, how did you...
10:58I don't care!
10:59Francis, come on, quick!
11:01How do I...
11:02Just kick it into neutral and follow me!
11:04Just turn left and gunning!
11:25I'll call you later!
11:27Love you!
11:34This should have been the greatest day of our lives.
11:40Dad and Francis rode motorcycles to the living room and where were we?
11:44Hiding under our beds!
11:46Oh, I'm really looking forward to dinner.
11:49What a jerk.
11:50I don't know what I'm going to end up doing to him.
11:53All I know is every stroke of this brush strengthens my killing arm.
11:57Do you have another bucket?
11:59I can get started on the tracks in the living room.
12:01Oh, I'll just end up redoing them all myself anyway.
12:04Why don't you just watch some TV?
12:06Then you'll be out of the way.
12:09Lois!
12:11No one is as useless as you think I am!
12:15My focus should be on hating my husband and planning revenge!
12:19Not worrying about whether I belong here!
12:26You are absolutely right.
12:31I'm sorry.
12:32You deserve better.
12:39I appreciate that.
12:44So now what?
12:45Well, I don't know.
12:46We're kind of in uncharted waters here.
12:53Drink?
12:54Absolutely.
12:55Oh, man.
12:59What a day.
13:01What a ride.
13:03That was fantastic.
13:04Yeah.
13:05Just wait.
13:06Tomorrow we go around the lake to this funky old hot springs you are going to love.
13:11This is the same route I used to take every month with my buddy Roy.
13:15Until he got dragged a quarter mile by that school bus.
13:18Thanks for doing this, Dad.
13:19You know, son, you should always pick battles that are big enough to matter.
13:28But small enough to win.
13:29Yeah, okay.
13:30You should always pick battles that are big enough to matter.
13:31But small enough to win.
13:34Yeah, okay.
13:35I say life is the only real counselor.
13:37You should always pick battles that are big enough to matter.
13:39You should always pick battles that are big enough to matter.
13:40But small enough to win.
13:41Yeah, okay.
13:42I say life is the only real counselor.
13:47Wisdom unfiltered through personal experience does not become part of the moral tissue.
13:55Dad, you feeling okay?
13:56Well, never mind.
13:57Listen, I have got something really special for you.
13:59You know, it's kind of a father-son thing, to honor the occasion.
14:14It was just I'm a nurse.
14:18I have got something really special for you.
14:20You know, it's kind of a father-son thing to honor the occasion.
14:24It was a little expensive, but I am going to sit with my 21-year-old son and share a 21-year-old bottle of scotch.
14:35The guy at Liquor Clown said this was the best.
14:39Oh, Dad, I'm sorry. I'm sober now. I don't drink anymore.
14:44Huh?
14:44I'm sober now. I went to AA.
14:47What? When did this happen?
14:53Last year. It just became a problem, and I kind of bottomed out, so I decided to get some help, and I've been sober for six months now.
15:02And you didn't tell me about this?
15:05Well, I'm telling you now.
15:06What good is it to tell me now? I'm your father. You could have come to me about this.
15:11Instead, you go to a bunch of strangers with drinking problems?
15:15Well, I'm sorry, I guess.
15:17Which one of the 12 steps is the one where you act like your father doesn't exist?
15:22Dad, what's the big deal? It was my problem. I went and I did what I needed to do to get help.
15:27I'm supposed to help you.
15:30I deserve to know.
15:31And meanwhile, I planned this whole trip, and now I find out you're sober, and I'm standing here with a bottle of booze like some kind of jackass.
15:40You know, it's just a little tough.
15:43Wow.
15:44It's just a little tough to find out.
15:47Do you have any other surprises for me?
15:49Do I have any grandchildren I never met?
15:51Do you have a boyfriend?
15:52Dad, come on. This is a nice trip. I want to enjoy this.
15:58I'm going to bed.
16:06I like the thing you said about picking battles.
16:09I got it off a billboard.
16:11Oh, look at this. You got Francis a watch. That was so nice of you.
16:28This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP.
16:32Oh, Hal almost cried when he found this at a yard sale.
16:41That still doesn't seem like enough.
16:44Oh, honey, this is just how we get the creative juices flowing.
16:48It's tough.
16:49You have to make your husband miserable, but I have to make mine miserable and make it a warning to the other three boys in the house.
16:57Do men ever think about what's going to happen when they do these stupid things?
17:01No, that's what's weird about men. They never do.
17:03I guarantee you, those two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.
17:13So no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?
17:18You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.
17:22Look at him. Sleeping peacefully while I'm sitting here going through hell.
17:36It's not fair.
17:41God, why did this room get so small? I hate this.
17:45Please, come on. Go to sleep.
17:47I can't. I just keep thinking about the beating.
17:50How long it'll hurt.
17:53How bad it'll be.
17:55When it's going to happen.
17:57What if it's on the 4th of July?
18:00That'll ruin it.
18:02I was going to have pie.
18:04Dude, you have to calm down.
18:06We can wait it out. We can beat this.
18:09I can't take this anymore.
18:11I'm going out there.
18:12It's probably me he wants anyway.
18:14Reese, that's stupid.
18:16There's no logic in that.
18:17Yes, there is.
18:18He's just getting madder and madder.
18:21And the longer he has to wait, the worse the beating's going to be.
18:28Reese, think about it.
18:29Jimmy got beat up, even though Randy wasn't after him.
18:32If you go out there now, he'll beat you up, even if you're not the one he wants.
18:35Jesse sent a message to me.
18:36I don't care anymore.
18:39But if you just wait, I'll figure out a way to get out of this.
18:42I am not going to wait while you keep trying to come up with some plan that you'll never come up with.
18:46I have to live in the real world.
18:48This mud feels fantastic, doesn't it?
19:16It's so soothing.
19:21I don't even care about all the hundreds of people who left their pubes in here.
19:28Come on, Dad.
19:30You should be making the most of this.
19:32You soaked all the way here.
19:35You soaked all the way through the coal plunge.
19:37You even soaked when they beat us with juniper branches.
19:40Stop being such a baby.
19:43I'm sorry I had such high expectations for this trip.
19:49For all the trouble I went to, I thought maybe I could be an important part of your life.
19:54This has been a nice trip, Dad.
19:57This was exactly how I was hoping it would be.
19:59It just gets to me, Francis.
20:05I mean, how did we get to this point where you're doing all this stuff without me?
20:09I mean, you're traveling everywhere.
20:11You're getting married.
20:12You're doing all these things without even telling me.
20:15And now I find out you even went to AA without telling me?
20:18I can't help it, Dad.
20:20I'm a grown-up now.
20:21It happens.
20:25And I missed it.
20:28I mean, here you've grown into this nice, responsible, decent man, and I didn't get to be there for it.
20:38I missed you being there too, Dad.
20:42Kind of makes me happy if you feel sad about it.
20:44Well, it's something anyway.
20:50Yeah.
20:59Five minutes.
21:01Holy crap!
21:03We've got to get back home.
21:04Do you realize how much trouble we're in?
21:06Oh, God, you're right.
21:07We're dead.
21:07We can't go back.
21:09No, no, no.
21:09Wait, I'll think of something.
21:10I've been married for 20 years and I've gotten out of a lot of trouble.
21:14Wait, how is it 20 years if I'm 21?
21:16Just shut up and let me think.
21:19Okay, I have something.
21:21What?
21:23Ah!
21:24God, what the hell was that for?
21:26You were in a terrible motorcycle accident that taught you a lesson.
21:30Now, it's not going to solve everything, but it's going to make your apology go down a lot easier because it makes them right, which is what they really want.
21:38Dad, you're brilliant.
21:39Dad, there's no time for that.
21:40Just do me.
21:41Now, you don't want to grab between the second and third and I'll go up and back in one smooth motion, but just those two so I can still work the throttle.
21:52Love you, Dad.
21:53I love you, too, son.
22:01You're right, Dewey.
22:02I can't tell you how much better I feel.
22:04Told you.
22:05It's really freeing, especially knowing he still wants the other brother.
22:13Malcolm, you've got to go out there.
22:15It's time.
22:15He wants you.
22:16No.
22:17By October, I'll be strong enough to beat him.
22:19Come on, Malcolm.
22:20There's school tomorrow.
22:22You can pretend to be sick for a few days, but sooner or later, your mom gets involved.
22:26Then what?
22:26I'll think of something.
22:28Thinking won't do it, Malcolm.
22:30This is not a smart thing.
22:32It's a life thing.
22:34Brandy is like an earthquake.
22:35It's just something that's going to happen.
22:38Seriously, Malcolm.
22:39The longer you try to put this off, the worse it's going to be.
22:42I could tell he was holding back.
22:43He's got a lot farther he could go.
22:46This is nothing.
22:47No, I'm not giving up.
22:50I don't give up.
22:51I'm not a quitter.
22:52If I have a problem, I think and work and keep working on it until I solve it.
22:57Okay.
22:58Name one time that's ever worked out for you.
23:01Well?
23:02Did it work five years ago when your hamster died and you spent so many hours giving it
23:07CPR that the doctors had to put a shunt in your mouth to help the sores drain?
23:11Did it work with that girl you kept hounding because you thought she was so close to liking
23:15you until she finally maced you?
23:18No, but I could...
23:19I could...
23:23Malcolm.
23:25Think about it.
23:30You're right.
23:31I really have to go out there.
23:42I'd appreciate you guys looking out for me.
23:52We didn't think he'd be so easy to convince.
23:54No, not him.
24:13Where's the red-haired brother?
24:15There is no red-haired brother.
24:17This is it.
24:18Shoot!
24:19I have the wrong house.
24:20Where's that house with the ass bag where it works with handicapped kids?
24:26Oh!
24:27That's Eddie Jeffers.
24:28He lives in Comstock.
24:30Oh!
24:33You guys got pounded and I got off scot-free.
24:37Ha!
24:37Now whose philosophy looks stupid?
24:39You thought I couldn't come up with...
24:41Guys.
24:46Wait.
24:47What if we do this tomorrow?
24:49You'll be rested.
24:51Take some time first.
24:53We worked so hard and spent so much on Francis' dinner.
24:57It's nice we can all finally enjoy it.
25:01More steak, honey?
25:02What if we do this tomorrow?
25:04What if we do this tomorrow?
25:05What if we do this tomorrow?
25:06What if we do this tomorrow?
25:07What if we do this tomorrow?
25:08What if we do this tomorrow?
25:09What if we do this tomorrow?
25:10What if we do this tomorrow?
25:11What if we do this tomorrow?
25:12What if we do this tomorrow?
25:13What if we do this tomorrow?
25:14What if we do this tomorrow?
25:15What if we do this tomorrow?
25:16What if we do this tomorrow?
25:17What if we do this tomorrow?
25:18What if we do this tomorrow?
25:19What if we do this tomorrow?
25:20What if we do this tomorrow?
25:21What if we do this tomorrow?
25:22What if we do this tomorrow?
25:23What if we do this tomorrow?
25:24What if we do this tomorrow?
25:25What if we do this tomorrow?
25:26What if we do this tomorrow?
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