- 5/8/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 13 Tiki Lounge
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TVTranscript
00:00You're kidding.
00:02It was just awful. It lay there moaning and dying.
00:05I didn't know what to do, so I finally called animal services.
00:08Waited and waited. Nobody ever came.
00:10I was so upset.
00:12I never did have time to get to the store.
00:16If you never made it to the store, then what are we eating?
00:24Something from the freezer.
00:26Finish it.
00:30Yes, no, maybe.
00:34I don't know.
00:38Can you repeat the question?
00:42You're not the boss of me now.
00:44You're not the boss of me now.
00:46You're not the boss of me now.
00:48And you're not so big.
00:52You're not the boss of me now.
00:56You're not the boss of me now.
00:58You're not the boss of me now.
01:00You're not the boss of me now.
01:04Life is unfair.
01:06Life is unfair.
01:08You're not the boss of me now.
01:10You're not the boss of me now.
01:12I'll pick up Dewey from his piano lesson.
01:14And you're waiting for the drywall guy?
01:16Yeah, but you gotta get the vacuum.
01:18I'll take the boys for their haircuts and go pay the phone bill.
01:20Alright, by the way, the dermatologist called.
01:22He said the lump on my back is just a...
01:24Don't put it up with more fire, moron.
01:26Oh, God.
01:28I don't care if it's only a little poisonous.
01:42Get rid of it.
01:44So, he said it was just an ingrown hair.
01:48What?
01:49It's a lump.
01:50Oh, good.
01:52That was 18 hours ago.
01:54That's the last time we talked to each other?
01:57Oh, my God.
01:59I mean, oh, my God.
02:02We talk to each other 20 seconds a day?
02:05Don't worry, honey.
02:06This is a problem, but I will take care of it.
02:10For the next five days, you boys will be my slaves.
02:16It will be miserable, hard, exhausting work, but...
02:22Nope.
02:23That's it.
02:24Just miserable hard work.
02:26So, no matter what we had planned or how busy we are,
02:29you're okay with exploiting us for child labor?
02:31Good.
02:32We're clear.
02:33Let's get to work.
02:36Come to Papa.
02:40Dad.
02:41Oh, no, you don't, Reese.
02:43No way!
02:44You give the nail gun to Dewey.
02:53You wanted to see me, Mr. Herkaby?
02:55Malcolm, one of the many perks of working in the glamorous field of public education
03:01is the constant opportunity to suddenly increase your workload.
03:05It's as big a morale booster as the constant chiseling of gum from one's shoes.
03:10You know, you can come right out and tell me how you're screwing me over.
03:13You don't have to make a speech every time.
03:15Be patient.
03:17Yesterday, I was informed that all faculty members must serve as advisors
03:21to at least one of the school's many clubs and organizations.
03:25I have been assigned the North High Boosters.
03:29And you're telling me because...
03:31It's coming.
03:33The Boosters are only nine members, which makes it a group.
03:37We need ten for it to be a club.
03:39And if it isn't a club, I don't get my $200 advisor fee.
03:43You want me to join?
03:45I love it when a victim fully grasps the horror.
03:48You have proved a worthy patsy.
03:50I don't want to be in your stupid club.
03:52It's not a club until you join. Keep up.
03:54Okay. What's the blackmail?
03:57Why must you rush these things?
04:00As vice principal, I write the college recommendations.
04:06I have written two for you.
04:08One has your complete academic record.
04:11The other has your complete academic record
04:15and a short paragraph about your personality.
04:17That's not fair!
04:19The meeting starts at 3.15 tomorrow.
04:21Come early if you want spirit cookies.
04:26Keep them closed. Almost there.
04:28You've spun me around 50 times.
04:30I still know we're going to the garage.
04:32Okay. Open them.
04:36Oh, Hal. It's...
04:38It's beautiful!
04:40Well, hey, I didn't do it all myself.
04:42The boys worked their butts off.
04:44You know, that's a working wet bar.
04:46And a real New Zealand mocking mask.
04:48Congratulations, boys.
04:50You did a fantastic job.
04:52Now, if you set one foot in here, I will cripple you.
04:57What?
04:58From now on, every night from 6 o'clock to 7 o'clock is tiki time.
05:02Tiki time means your mother and I will be in here alone.
05:06With no questions, no interruptions, no communication from you boys of any kind.
05:12Malcolm, you'll cover any of your mom's shifts at Lucky 8.
05:15Reese, Dewey, babysit Jamie.
05:17But...
05:18No buts!
05:19You're the ones who ruined our relationship in the first place.
05:22Hal.
05:26He needs changing.
05:27Aloha.
05:28I would like to officially welcome my young friend Malcolm to the North High Booster Club.
05:41It's a very rewarding day for all of us who care so much about whatever it is you do.
05:48Philip!
05:49First, let's review our Food for the Homeless program.
05:54Wayne.
05:55Good news, Boosters.
05:56We raised $428 on our Rad Bowling for Hobos event.
06:01Unfortunately, the decorating budget got away from us.
06:05We spent $425 on the balloons.
06:08But I think we might be able to salvage this by taking that $3 and buying the homeless a really nice card.
06:16Good save, Wayne.
06:20Alright, Stephanie.
06:21What about our pancake breakfast for the abused children's counseling center?
06:24It's gonna be awesome.
06:26We have tons of decorations and hundreds of balloons.
06:31Maybe if you eased upon the balloons, you'd have some more money for the counseling center.
06:36I don't think abused children want to eat in some gloomy, undecorated room.
06:42I mean, after what they've been through.
06:44Let's not abuse our sense of taste.
06:47Absolutely.
06:49Alright, let's move on to our Monte Carlo night for the school library.
06:54This year, we have invested in a professional bingo collar.
06:59It's gonna be insane.
07:01And Malcolm?
07:02What?
07:03I'm awake.
07:04Don't worry.
07:05We've saved a really important job just for you.
07:07You are gonna be our Monte Carlo night auctioneer.
07:11What?
07:12That's right.
07:13You're gonna be in front of the whole school representing us.
07:18Welcome aboard, booster.
07:25Point of order.
07:26Can we start smile patrol before the kids go home?
07:29Smile patrol?
07:30We thought it'd be fun to roam the halls for anyone who's not smiling and give them a ticket.
07:36Meeting adjourned.
07:42I think someone's gonna have to write themselves up.
07:45This is so unfair.
07:46This is so unfair.
07:47I think it's safe for this to go home.
07:48It's aant.
07:49And that's the way we are going to go home.
07:51We're going to take a bus on a bus and make it all on.
07:52These are big stuff.
07:53These are big stuff.
07:54The bodies are very large and then don't need to talk to people.
07:55It's a big one.
07:56It's a big one.
07:57Let's get a big one.
07:58You know.
07:59I don't know why.
08:00You know.
08:01This is so unfair.
08:02This is so unfair.
08:14Yeah, when I grow up, I'm going to do exactly the same thing with my kids.
08:18Yeah, mine are going to pay big time.
08:22By the time I came back, there were adult diapers all over the loading dock.
08:29That's wonderful.
08:32Oh, I hear a coconut that needs refreshing.
08:35One more beach frolic coming up.
08:38So go on.
08:40I'm finished.
08:41That's my entire day.
08:44Mine too.
08:45Huh.
08:46How about that?
08:48Do you realize that we have never told each other our entire day before?
08:53That's amazing.
08:58I wonder what else I've never told you.
09:01Think, Lois.
09:02I want to know everything.
09:06I had a pet turtle named Lee Majors.
09:09He gave my whole family salmonella.
09:13I thought I loved you four seconds ago.
09:16I want out of the booster club.
09:21You can blackmail me all you want, but those kids are stupid.
09:24The auctioneer job is stupid.
09:26The whole thing blows and I'm quitting.
09:28Someone's putting the boo in booster.
09:31Did you see the crap they're trying to auction?
09:34500 takeout menus from a Chinese restaurant?
09:37An AOL starter disc?
09:39Scrapbook lessons?
09:40A 15 minute neck massage from Earl the janitor?
09:43Nobody wants that stuff.
09:45I'm out of there.
09:46Good for you.
09:47Go right ahead.
09:48What?
09:49I officially stopped carrying a 215 when I was handed this check.
09:53And now I can finally splurge on new brake pads and treat my civic like the lady that she is.
09:59You should really learn to trust me, Malcolm.
10:02It worked out well for everyone.
10:03I got my money, you get to quit, and the boosters get to be rid of you.
10:07What are you talking about?
10:09They don't like you any more than you like them.
10:11They think you're too lazy and selfish to be booster material.
10:17You're lying.
10:20Oh my God, you care.
10:23No, I don't.
10:24They're a bunch of hypocrites pretending to be into charity,
10:27just to have an excuse to throw parties and socialize and be surrounded by balloons.
10:32Is this going to devolve into you shambling around the quad come next June,
10:37desperate for someone to sign your yearbook?
10:40Calling me selfish and lazy?
10:42I could raise ten times the money those idiots ever could.
10:46Please, you're not seriously thinking of showing them a thing or two, are you?
10:49Shut up.
10:53Jamie.
10:54Come on, just try it.
10:57It's easy.
10:59What are you doing?
11:01He's trying to teach Jamie to smoke.
11:03Since we're stuck watching him, I figure we might as well do something cool with him.
11:07What's cooler than a smoking baby?
11:10Why don't you just shoot him out of a cannon?
11:12Come on, he could be famous.
11:14You know Jamie, that smoking baby?
11:17He could do talk shows or tour with rock bands.
11:19But he doesn't even care.
11:22Give him a break.
11:23He's not even two.
11:25I'm not mad that he won't light this cigarette.
11:27I'm mad that he won't try.
11:34I think he's stupid.
11:36Look pal, we missed a chance to raise you inside a sparklets bottle.
11:42This is our last shot.
11:43We are not going to move.
11:45We are going to sit here for as long as it takes.
11:47Oh man, you did that on purpose.
11:57You going to play it that way?
12:00Fine.
12:01Now it's war.
12:05I missed the rotary phone too.
12:07It made you slow down.
12:08Think about what you were going to say.
12:10Yeah, exactly.
12:11Now it's boop, boop, boop, and there they are, whether you're ready or not.
12:14This is wonderful.
12:16I just think, when we get to heaven, we'll feel like this all the time.
12:22Wouldn't that be nice?
12:24What do you mean?
12:26I mean, it would be nice, heaven.
12:30You mean it will be nice?
12:37I just don't personally believe in that.
12:41Well, okay, maybe not the clouds and the harps and angels, but you do believe in some kind of heaven, right?
12:53Okay, so you don't believe in heaven.
13:02But you do believe in some kind of paradise where our two souls will go spend eternity.
13:07I'm just not much of an afterlife person.
13:14Wait a minute, Lois.
13:16Where are good people rewarded and bad people punished?
13:20Right here on earth, if I have anything to say about it.
13:23How is it I didn't know about this until now?
13:27Well, I guess we just never had time to talk about it.
13:36You okay?
13:37Yeah, yeah.
13:39Silly to ruin tiki time over this.
13:41I will refresh our drinks.
13:52Oh, I can't do this.
13:54You've ruined it.
13:55Why?
13:56Because for the last 20 years, I've assumed we'd be spending eternity together.
14:01And if you don't believe that, then you won't be there.
14:04Is that the rule?
14:06Nothing about this place is right anymore.
14:08It feels like that New Zealand mocking mask is mocking me.
14:14Well, I didn't say this to upset you.
14:18I know.
14:19Can we talk about it?
14:21I think we've talked enough.
14:24I'm going to go take kind of a long walk now.
14:27But you stay.
14:30Enjoy your room tumbler.
14:38Look at me playing with this great toy.
14:56And I'm not going to share it.
14:58Whee!
14:59This is fun!
15:01I'm not going to turn around.
15:03Is he getting pissed?
15:05He's eating his foot.
15:07Nice cover.
15:08I'm getting to him.
15:09You're having a feud with a toddler.
15:12And you don't think he's playing that for all it's worth?
15:17Well, tiki time is over.
15:20Boys don't have to babysit anymore.
15:22And Monte Carlo night is starting to shape up really nicely.
15:38We've got really cool looking plastic champagne glasses.
15:41And we've also got six channel walkie talkie so we can be in constant audio contact in all
15:47sectors of the gymnasium.
15:48I also took it upon myself to raise the balloon budget.
15:52Figure if we're not going to go mylar, then why even bother?
15:56Okay, great, Victor.
15:58All right, and that brings us to the auction.
16:00It's going to be horrible.
16:02But not because I'm not busting my butt.
16:04I've been hitting up people all around town trying to get decent stuff that people will
16:08actually bid on.
16:09But no one's interested.
16:12Well, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can.
16:15Meeting adjourned.
16:25I can't believe that this is what happens when you actually try.
16:36Night.
16:41Why can't we just get past this?
16:43I don't know.
16:44Why the hell did we think that talking to each other was a good idea?
16:48We were having fun and we got greedy.
16:50Now look at us.
16:51We used to have no time at all for each other and it worked great.
16:54We should warn people.
16:55Write a book.
16:57Go on Oprah.
16:59You know what would help?
17:01What?
17:02If you'd change your mind and told me that you believed in heaven.
17:06You want me to lie to you?
17:08It's not lying if what you say would be true if the facts were different.
17:14I'll work with whatever you give me.
17:16If you just say the words, you'll be giving me a tiny little gray area where I can live
17:22in peace for the rest of my life.
17:24I can live in gray, Lois.
17:26Let me live in gray.
17:28Well, I'm sorry.
17:29I have to tell you the truth.
17:30Why?
17:30Because it's what I believe in.
17:34It's what I hang on to.
17:36The truth is all that I have.
17:39If I could give it up for anybody, I would give it up for you.
17:44But I just can't.
17:56Heaven's gonna suck.
18:00We have to be home by 9.30.
18:04The babysitter said her halfway house goes into lockdown at 10.
18:08Okay.
18:09Did she tell you about the mobile over Jamie's crib?
18:12She said it looked like somebody took a saw and cut almost all the way through it.
18:18That's weird.
18:20It's not like he has any enemies or anything.
18:24Hey, Malcolm.
18:25Place looks great.
18:26Look at all these balloons.
18:28This is gonna be a fun night.
18:30If watching your son be humiliating from the whole school is your idea of fun.
18:34What are you talking about?
18:35You're finally getting the attention you always wanted.
18:41Oh, come on.
18:42Honey, I know you're upset.
18:44Let's try to have some fun tonight.
18:47Sure.
18:48If the here and now is all we've got, then let's enjoy it in all its beauty and wonder.
18:54I'll give us some churros.
18:55Hello, Malk.
19:01Malk?
19:02Oh, forgive me.
19:03I'm feeling very odd tonight.
19:05What is it called when you look around and you are not filled with festering rage?
19:11Being moderately happy?
19:12That is it.
19:14I am moderately happy.
19:15I have brake pads and enough left over for a side mirror.
19:19And now I find that there's a wine tasting booth with an incredibly underpriced Riesling.
19:25Just 25 cents a glass.
19:27So, if you'll excuse me, I think I saw a slightly drunk Miss Bartlett headed for the ladies room.
19:33I can't wait to see the look on Jamie's face tomorrow when he tries to tickle what's left of Elmo.
19:41Then he'll be sorry you started this.
19:44Stupid baby.
19:48Ries, let me ask you.
19:50When you end up in a situation like this, does it ever even occur to you to stop and figure out how you got there?
19:56And let him win?
20:01I mean, what do you do when your concept of eternity is wrapped up in a person that doesn't believe in eternity?
20:09I mean, does this eternity even exist?
20:14You might want to talk to a senior.
20:18That's it, Mr. Hercubee.
20:20I just broke the North High Bank.
20:21Sometimes you're kissed by the gods.
20:24Your trip to the corndog cart has been comped.
20:27I should hope so.
20:31Ladies.
20:36I've been working hard, and I do care about this.
20:39But all your stuff blows.
20:41Don't worry, Malcolm.
20:43Just go up there and do your best.
20:45And don't be nervous.
20:47No one's expecting much.
20:54Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the Monte Carlo Night Auction.
21:02Please gather around.
21:03It's a wonderful night and a wonderful cause.
21:09I have to say that the members of the North High Boosters have really taught me so much about the true spirit of charity.
21:16So instead of the items listed in the program, we came up with some new items, which I think people will be very excited to bid on.
21:26First item up, our own Stephanie Wright has agreed to put up for auction a photograph of herself from 8th grade with her original nose.
21:37$10, 20, 30, 40, 50, $85.
21:46Sold.
21:48Next up, Wayne Finstead, for the right price, has volunteered to read out loud all the notes his mother puts in his lunch every day.
21:58$5, 10, 25, $58.25.
22:04Sold.
22:04Next item, our club president, Phillip, has agreed to show the video his dad took of him crying after he got pulled from the Madison football game.
22:14$50.
22:15$60.
22:16$70.
22:16$80.
22:17Sold.
22:19Wow.
22:20Over $200 in 30 seconds.
22:23I think we've shown what the boost your spirit is really all about.
22:27That is so much money.
22:38We're raising so much money.
22:42For an extra $50, I'll throw in a picture of me from before Fat Camp.
22:47In a bikini.
22:49$50.
22:49I also have notes for my strength.
22:53$80.
22:53$90.
22:54And my dad taped me singing Skater Boy into a hairbrush.
22:58$75.
22:59$90.
22:59$90.
23:00Our next item up for bid is me.
23:21I will let the top bidder cover my mouth with duct tape every morning for a week.
23:27$100.
23:28$50.
23:29$50.
23:30$50.
23:31$50.
23:32$50.
23:33$50.
23:34$50.
23:35$50.
23:36$50.
23:37Oh, hell, that was quite an auction.
23:40Yeah.
23:41This is one of the best nets of my life.
23:43And I actually learned something about myself.
23:45I was having this giant conflict that I thought was about my principles, but it was really just
23:50about my own pride.
23:51And all I had to do to fix it was get over myself.
23:55Excuse me.
23:58Last one.
23:59Ring toss.
24:00Three rings for a dollar.
24:01Last one.
24:02Hal.
24:03I've changed my mind.
24:04I do believe in heaven.
24:05I knew it!
24:06Oh, I always knew you believed in heaven.
24:08Keep the whistle.
24:09I'm good.
24:10Jamie, we need to talk.
24:11I'm calling a truce.
24:12I know you're willing to keep going no matter how ugly it gets, and I respect that.
24:18But I realize something.
24:19Malcolm and Dewey are both geniuses.
24:20So they're going to team up against us.
24:21And since you and I are both mentally the same thing, I don't know.
24:22I know you're willing to keep going no matter how ugly it gets, and I respect that.
24:25But I realize something.
24:27Malcolm and Dewey are both geniuses.
24:30So they're going to team up against us.
24:33And since you and I are both mentally the same, we should team up too.
24:34Otherwise, they're going to do something horrible to us, and we probably won't even understand
24:35it.
24:36So...
24:37Here.
24:38Here.
24:39Here.
24:40Here.
25:08Hey, thanks.
25:17Reese, what the hell is wrong with you?
25:22What?
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