- 5/9/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 22 Mrs Tri-County
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00:00Thanks, Malcolm. I'm glad it's you.
00:03Whenever Reece helps, he always seems to hurt himself.
00:12Yes, no, maybe. I don't know.
00:19Can you repeat the question?
00:23You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.
00:28You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:34You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now.
00:40You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:47Life is unfair.
00:51Wait, wait, how about this?
00:58Mother's wonderful, quiet dignity!
01:01No, her sensitive quiet dignity!
01:06What are you guys doing?
01:07We're at the mall, and they have these entry forms for the Mrs. Tri-County Contest.
01:14Look at these questions.
01:15How does your mother bring joy into your life?
01:18Some of the times you shaved the word liar into my head.
01:23She always finds time to dote on our personal appearance.
01:30What's so funny?
01:34We saw a Japanese guy on the internet puking to an electric fan.
01:39They are ahead of us in so many ways.
01:48All right. How bad is it?
01:52Nothing past second notice so far.
01:54Oh.
01:58What's that?
02:00Apparently I've been entered into the Mrs. Tri-County pageant.
02:04What?
02:05The boys entered me in this pageant.
02:10Lucky to have her in our lives.
02:13Too special to be kept a secret.
02:16She suffers in silence?
02:19Oh, can you believe this?
02:20I know.
02:21They do all these horrible things, and then they go and do something like this.
02:27Yes.
02:29Well, they're good boys.
02:32God, I think of suffering through all those pageants.
02:35Slaving for my sister all those years.
02:37Susan was always the big star, and I was her invisible little troll.
02:40Carrying her gowns for Queen of Harvest Festival.
02:45Ironing her sash for Miss Mammogram.
02:48Well, no one ever appreciates the star maker, Lois.
02:52Once I was hemming her dress for Dairy Princess, and a photographer stood on my back to take her picture.
02:58Bastards wouldn't know a Dairy Princess if it came up and bit him on the ass.
03:03Boy, it would really show her if I entered this pageant.
03:08What?
03:11Well, it wouldn't hurt to go down there and see what it's all about.
03:17Great! Let's do it!
03:20You little monsters! You have really done it this time!
03:25Dad, it was a joke. I didn't know Reese was going to mail this stupid thing.
03:29We were just goofing around. I can't believe she took it seriously.
03:33You're right, Dewey. Your mother actually believes her sons love her.
03:36What a moron!
03:39I've got it. Why don't you just blindfold your mother and throw her down some stairs?
03:44That'd be fun!
03:46We're sorry.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Well, it's too late for sorry.
03:51Here's what's going to happen.
03:52We are all going down to the Civic Center as a family.
03:55And you boys are going to do everything in your power to make sure this is the most un-humiliating night of your mother's life!
04:01Wow! This is a big deal! I have to be honest. I'm feeling kind of nervous here.
04:12Aww! You don't pay mileage. I had to park in the structure and you called this a gift bag.
04:17I saw two judges with the mini lipstick set and the lemon scented moisturizer!
04:23Mr. Herkaby, what are you doing here?
04:26I happen to be one of the judges. What, may I ask, are you doing here?
04:30You know, curiosity. It's kind of a sociologically interesting...
04:34My God, your mother's in the pageant.
04:38Well, technically. Hmm.
04:42And I happen to have certain powers that might influence that outcome. Isn't that interesting?
04:47What?
04:48No, I just think that's really interesting. Don't you find it interesting?
04:52Yeah, I guess I'm going to have to.
04:54Oh, sorry, sir. They were out of the moisturizer, but I found these.
04:57Fine. I'll take the smoked almonds, the Luka Blut. Oh, just give me the whole box.
05:04All right, ladies, sign in. You'll get your schedules, your parking permits, and your dressing area assignments.
05:14Also, make sure that you get back here by 3 o'clock sharp for a group photo with the state's largest pumpkin.
05:25Look at all these old broads trying to look hot. I mean, don't they know we're done with them?
05:30Donna? Donna, is that you?
05:36Lewis!
05:38I haven't seen you since Miss Teen Gas and Power.
05:41What a memory you have.
05:43Was that the time when the judges carried me around on their shoulders?
05:47Oh, Darlene, Jeannie, Ann, look who's here!
05:51Hi.
05:52Look at all of you. I can't believe you're still doing pageants.
05:56Well, I actually quit a few years back. It was time to get to know my kids a little better.
06:01But then September 11th happened, and we just can't let them win.
06:08So, where's your sister?
06:10Susan isn't here. I'm entering this myself.
06:13Oh!
06:18I love stuff like that.
06:21Don't feel bad.
06:23The rest of us don't have a chance either.
06:25Donna somehow got Nina Perucci to coach her.
06:28Nina Perucci? How did you manage that?
06:32Well, Max got a nice bonus for Christmas.
06:35And let's just say I had a yeast infection until he wrote the check.
06:39Is that your chin?
06:44No, Nina.
06:45Is that your smile?
06:46No, Nina!
06:47Is that your bust?
06:48No, Nina!
06:49Oh.
06:51Oh, wow. She's amazing.
06:54She pioneered the use of backstage laxatives.
06:57Rose, if we don't sign up right now, we're gonna get a dressing area without a hook.
07:02Is that what you want?
07:04Hi.
07:05Well, I think we know who's winning Mrs. Deluded.
07:10Oh, Tom!
07:12I didn't think it was possible.
07:18But the Mrs. Tri-County pageant's about to get even uglier.
07:24I made the appointment for your facial tomorrow.
07:28I don't want to pick out jewelry until after we choose the gown.
07:30Now, the red one is nice, it's tasteful, and it really sets off your hair.
07:36But the blue one has a nicer drape, and you cannot beat its wow factor.
07:41You know what? Let me worry about that.
07:44You can concentrate on your talent.
07:46I don't know, Hal.
07:48I'm not even sure you can call it a talent.
07:51What are you talking about? It is going to be great!
07:53That's why I blocked out the next three hours for you to work with Dewey.
07:58Dad, I have homework!
07:59Oh, just buy it from the guy Reese buys his from.
08:04Okay, ladies, I know you've all done it a million times before, but let's just walk through it once anyway.
08:10Blue line, ladies, cross over the red mark. Green line, cross over the yellow mark. Blue line, stop at the orange mark, step left and cross to the green line. Green line, stop at the black mark, step right and cross to the green line.
08:27Malcolm, I need you to do a job for me, surgeon. I've been exchanging some very meaningful glances with one of the contestants.
08:35You know they're all married, don't you?
08:38Yes, of course, and that's why it would be indecent of me not to be discreet.
08:44Darlene Fisher, green sweat suit.
08:48I need you to pass her this note for me.
08:51You want me to find out if she likes you? Forget it.
08:53Forget it.
08:54I respect your stand, Malcolm, and I want you to know this will in no way affect my judging of your mother.
09:00Or will it?
09:02Okay, you're next. Now, no matter what question they ask you, remember to use your key phrases.
09:20Empowering women, the beauty within, helping those in need, and don't forget, end with, may God bless America.
09:29Right, right. And when do I say the stuff about world peace?
09:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no. We got rid of that. You don't want to come off like a liberal nutcase.
09:36Yes, I am a mother. But I also have to remember that I'm a woman.
09:43A woman who's not afraid to give because it feels so good.
09:53Okay, Lois, here's your question. If you're ready, how has motherhood kept you young?
10:11I'm sorry, but I have a problem with the question.
10:26Motherhood definitely does a lot of things, but the one thing it does not do is keep you young.
10:31Oh my God, it ages you horribly. Youth is about having choices.
10:38But once you're a mother, you have no choices. You're stuck loving your children.
10:43You get gray hair loving them, you lose sleep loving them, you lose out on all those other things that you always thought you'd do.
10:49But even with all of that, the amazing thing is you're okay with it. It's like some wonderful curse.
11:02That was amazing. I don't know where you came up with that crap, but you nailed it.
11:20Okay, Donna, here we go. What aspect of being a woman do you find most fulfilling?
11:38What kind of stupid question is that?
11:42Excuse me?
11:43I don't mean that you're stupid. The question is, I mean, I'm not fulfilled. It's awful being a woman, right? Right?
11:58I'm cursed with children, too. I never wanted to have kids. I just wanted to be...
12:03But I do love America. How about our country, huh?
12:20Did you see that? She went up like the Hindenburg.
12:24Wow, I guess I'm really doing okay.
12:26So you're gonna keep wasting time high-fiving yourself, or are we going to get back to work?
12:33Okay, honey, that was pretty good. Unfortunately, there are three counties full of women who are pretty good. We need a winner.
12:48I think this would be going so much better if I could sing, or dance, or play a musical instrument.
12:53We'll get to you, Lois. Right now, Dewey's our problem. Now, son, I don't know anything about music, but this is how you should be playing it.
12:59Now, in the middle part, you're doing de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum, and I want to hear more of...
13:05Wap-dee-dee-dee-dee-wap-dee-dee-dee-dee-wap-dee-dee-dee-wap!
13:09That's never gonna happen.
13:11You know, I really don't need this from you right now. We've got one day to get the dress ready, our shoes aren't dyed, and we have no idea where we're going with our hair!
13:20Al, calm down. What's happening? I thought this was supposed to be fun.
13:26It is! See?
13:33Mom had better win this thing. I'm getting to know way too much about Hercuby's love life. Have you got anything yet?
13:38This judge's manual is unbelievable. It's over 200 pages of these really specific rules on what's attractive and what isn't. There's a whole page on ankle symmetry. And you know what I learned?
13:51What?
13:53I'm beautiful!
13:54What are you talking about?
13:55Everything on my face is the absolute standard of perfection. My lips are exactly twice the length of the distance between my eyes, my philtrum is gracefully tapered, my earlobe is the perfect 1.4 centimeters, and it just goes on and on.
14:11You can measure me if you don't believe it.
14:13Are you gonna help Mom or not?
14:15I understand your anger, Malcolm. Unattractive people can become very threatened by this.
14:21It's probably why I have so few friends.
14:31No! I need a favor.
14:33I already did you a favor with Darlene.
14:35Which worked out spectacularly, and athletically, and repeatedly.
14:40What else do you want?
14:42I needed to break up with her.
14:43What?
14:44Oh, she's gotten so clingy and dependent, she's suffocating me.
14:48Feel free to judge me, but remember who's judging your mother.
14:52Give her this note.
14:53At first, I toyed with the idea of lying to her, but then I decided to tell her honestly. I find to repel it.
14:59It's better to be classy.
15:02Malcolm! Find your brother and get back here.
15:05The judges need to see all of us gazing adoringly up at your mother.
15:09Those Hendersons are making us look like chimps!
15:11Psst! This pile is fading. Give him another hint.
15:14I don't know how you do this. I've never felt such butterflies in my entire life. Good luck, everybody.
15:32Good luck, everybody.
15:39Your mascara is clumping. What did I tell you about blinking?
15:48What is it?
15:49I know.
15:50Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Mrs. Tri-County pageant. Here's your host, Channel 2's acclaimed meteorologist, Dr. Dave Nelson.
16:05Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County. A lady from head to toe. A nurse, a maid, a teacher, and a hottie. All wrapped up in a bow.
16:30It's time to sparkle and start the show. So come on and take a bow.
16:37America needs you like never before. And mom is just an upside down. Wow!
16:51Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County.
16:53I lost a pin.
16:55I lost a pin! Oh, this isn't happening.
16:58Hold on.
17:00Wait, what are you doing?
17:02No, your hair's ruined.
17:03Eh, so we'll both be a little off.
17:05Come on, everybody. Let's go!
17:11And please step forward.
17:14Charlotte!
17:18Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have unanimously decided that these five women will not be going to the next round.
17:26And you ladies are...
17:27We're going to take a short break now, so our lovely five can get ready for the Glamour Parade.
17:43Malcolm! Malcolm! Malcolm!
17:44What are you doing?
17:45Dad's been looking all over for you.
17:46I'm leaving, Malcolm. I'm claiming my birthright.
17:47What?
17:48I'm about to become a star. And from what I understand, I have to ruthlessly separate myself from you pathetic hangers on it. And probably eventually sue your asses. Take care, Malcolm.
17:50See you in court.
17:51what are you doing dad's been looking all over for you I'm leaving Malcolm I'm claiming my
17:58birthright what I'm about to become a star and from what I understand at the ruthlessly separate
18:05myself from you pathetic hangers-on and probably eventually sue your asses take care of Malcolm
18:12see in court well it may be 70 degrees outside with a 20 chance of rain
18:21but it's about to get a lot hotter in here where's Jeannie
18:30we were all gonna wear tiaras for glamour parade and we're all gonna wear tiaras
18:42thank you Jeannie
18:45and now ladies and gentlemen prepare to drift away on a marge of aliens as we present the
18:52mrs. Tri-county glamour parade
19:12what's wrong what happened usually we let the judges decide who gets to wear the tiara
19:34okay I'm ready for what whatever it is you do with beautiful people I'll give you 20% and not a penny more you may have to travel because I'm gonna have a house in Miami
19:36Milan and that Disney world in France and you're welcome to fly my private
19:42home and I'm ready for what whatever it is you do with beautiful people I'll give you 20% and not a penny more you may have to travel because I'm gonna have a house in Miami
19:49Okay, I'm ready.
19:53For what?
19:55Whatever it is you do with beautiful people.
19:57I'll give you 20% and not a penny more.
20:00You may have to travel because I'm going to have a house in Miami, Milan, and at Disney World in France.
20:05You're welcome to fly my private jet, but I want you to keep it real.
20:09I'd also like a falcon.
20:11What are you talking about? I can't do anything with you.
20:15What? Why not? I read the book. I measured everything. I'm perfect.
20:19It's true. You do have the perfect features for a middle-aged woman.
20:25If you want to, have a sex change. Come back in 20 years and we'll talk.
20:32No! Please, this can't be how it ends.
20:35I'm supposed to have three rocky marriages and die in a hotel fire.
20:39Don't send me home! I'm too perfect to live like a person!
20:43Okay, people reacted badly to the crown thing, so you've got to nail the talent portion.
20:50Now, I know you think it isn't a talent, but if you commit, we can make those oversized Barbies choke on their own batons.
20:58What are you doing? Where's your top hat and fishnet thigh eyes?
21:03Just get the car in the kids' hell and let's slink out of here.
21:06Wait, you can't just walk away.
21:08Oh, yes I can. This whole thing has been a disaster.
21:12I don't belong here, and I hate the way those women make me feel.
21:16Come on, they're just a bunch of bitter hags.
21:19And I hate the way you've been making me feel.
21:23We may have our ups and downs, Hal, but this is the first time I ever felt like I wasn't good enough for you.
21:32You're right. I'm sorry.
21:36I mean, I know you're perfect, and for once, I wanted the whole world to know it.
21:41Well, that's a nice idea, but that isn't going to happen.
21:44I don't know why I ever thought I could compete with these women.
21:47Hal, I can't handle them. I'm out of my league here.
21:50What are you talking about?
21:52Do you know why those broads pulled that stunt?
21:55They're afraid of you, Lois.
21:59Right now, you are surrounded by a bunch of idiots who fear you.
22:03You're not out of your league.
22:06You're at home.
22:09Lois, where have you been?
22:12Come on, let's go. You're up. You've got to go.
22:17Whining isn't going to make me go any faster.
22:25Yes!
22:27And now, our third contestant, Lois, will be accompanied by her lovely daughter, Dewey.
22:33Here comes Mommy.
24:20Would the new Mrs. Tri-County like another scoop of fudge ripple?
24:40Well, this sash still has a couple inches of slack.
24:44Keep it coming.
24:45This is so nice.
24:47Look at this.
24:48A $40 coupon for new tires, a box of steaks, a label maker.
24:55Oh, this is nice.
24:57I wish Reese wasn't too busy sulking to enjoy it with us.
25:00Give him a little time.
25:02Oh, this is a gift.
25:23I don't know.
25:53I don't know.
26:23I don't know.
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