- 5/8/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 6 Episode 4 Pearl Harbor
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TVTranscript
00:00That's it, Jamie. He sure loves his ice cream, doesn't he?
00:11Yes, no, maybe. I don't know. Can you repeat the question?
00:24You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now. You're not the boss of me now, and you're not so big.
00:48Life is unfair.
00:54Narragansett bays are home to a surprising number of plankton species. They are Skeletonemocostata, Asterionella.
01:04This blows. Get up and change a channel.
01:07I didn't lose remote. You get up and change a channel.
01:09I didn't lose it either.
01:14So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning. We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks, and they still haven't carted him off yet.
01:22No! Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here every day like you own the place. Go back outside and knock. And then go away!
01:32Seriously, what do you have to do to get Popford drunk and disorderly around here? He was out on the curb in his underpants rolling burning trash cans into the street.
01:40The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block.
01:44Coming up next, the Strongest Man in the World competition!
01:48Yes! Finally!
01:50What are you doing?
01:52Watching House of Style.
01:54You don't get to change our TV. Malcolm, back me up here.
01:57Maurice, give her a break.
01:59Why? We live in just as big a stink hole as she does. Where do we get to escape to?
02:04Maurice, you're right. This is your house. If you don't want to watch it, you can get up and change it.
02:14Nice try.
02:20Dad? I need some help with my homework.
02:23I don't think so, Dewey. I put in all this time and effort then you just have Malcolm correct everything after I go to bed.
02:30I can't do this with Malcolm. I'm supposed to do a 300 word report on how you're my personal hero.
02:37Me? You think I'm your hero?
02:43Dad, don't freak out. We had to pick one of our parents. Can I just watch it for a while?
02:49Sure. As a matter of fact, you can help me with my project.
02:52What are you doing?
02:53You know that jerk across the street who's always got it in for me?
02:58Parking jerk or lawnmower jerk?
03:00No, Christmas jerk. Bill Rendle.
03:03Every year that guy waits to see what decorations I put out and then finds a way to top me.
03:09I string lights, he strings better lights. I put out Frosty, he puts out an elf village.
03:14I put out Dracula, he does nothing, and I look like a jackass!
03:18I mean, what kind of sick mind uses a religious holiday as a weapon?
03:22Wait, which one's called a cop's jerk?
03:24That's like four of them. Anyway, I decided to let Rendle have his precious little Christmas victory if it's so damn important to him.
03:32Okay.
03:34I'm doing Pearl Harbor Day instead.
03:36What?
03:38Pearl Harbor Day. December 7th, 1941. The opening shot of the Second World War.
03:45I am going to build a spectacular tribute to those courageous soldiers.
03:50It's going to be beautiful and dignified and uplifting.
03:55And it's going to be all mine.
03:59You want to help?
04:00Yeah, sounds fun.
04:03Are you really going to put up a formation of flying zombies?
04:06No, I just drew them because it looked cool.
04:12Jessica, your pasta recipe is terrific.
04:15Look at us, eating healthy for once.
04:18Reese, you want some more?
04:19No. She took over the TV, now she's taking over dinner.
04:23This isn't even food.
04:25Reese, it's just low fat.
04:26And if you knew anything at all about food, you'd know that fats and oils are the vehicles by which flavor travels.
04:34Fat is what makes things taste good.
04:36That's why a wise and loving God created fat in the first place.
04:41She is a guest in our home and I think it's delicious.
04:49She can make me take it, but she can't make me eat it.
04:57Do you think we should cut up some of these guys so there's more body parts floating in the water?
05:02Yeah, that's a little gruesome. Just melt them with the lighter.
05:06Okay, I have a little announcement to make.
05:08You know how last year with the conspiracy trial and your father and me losing our jobs, we ended up $20,000 in debt?
05:15Yeah.
05:17Well, after six months of scrimping and saving and going up to $28,000 in debt, we are now down to $26,000 in debt.
05:23Look out world, we're back!
05:26I know how much you boys have sacrificed, kicking in your paychecks and working extra shifts, and well, we thought you guys deserved a reward.
05:34Really? This is great. I thought you were going to start charging us for water.
05:39So, your dad and I are taking the whole family, and Jessica, to see a musical!
05:47A what?
05:51A musical! From Broadway! It's called Mamma Mia!
05:56They take all those old ABBA songs, like Dancing Queen and Fernando, and stick some story in between.
06:02Oh my god, you're serious!
06:04Six partially obstructed seats!
06:07At first I thought of treating you boys to a rock concert or motocross or something like that, but then Jessica told me about this, and I thought this sounded perfect!
06:16Wow! I mean, I just mentioned it because it was interesting. I didn't think you were going to take me! What a nice surprise!
06:23I need your calculus notes! I couldn't listen to a word Mr. Jacobson was saying on that stupid golf shirt!
06:35How can a man have nipples that big?
06:37What?
06:39You can hang out here if you need to get away from your dad, but don't act like we're friends, okay?
06:44Why are you mad at me?
06:45Because I stick up for you all the time! And you turn around and manipulate my mom into doing something only you want to do!
06:50Wait, you're talking about the show?
06:53Let me explain something to you, Jessica. My family doesn't have fun! We aren't nice!
06:59And the one time my mom actually does do something nice, you hijack it for your own-
07:02I didn't do it for me, I did it for Reese!
07:05What does Reese have to do with it?
07:07You know what he has to do with it.
07:09No I don't.
07:11Please tell me you're kidding.
07:13About what?
07:15Oh my god.
07:17You honestly don't know.
07:21You are actually so self-involved and narcissistic that you can't even see it.
07:27See what?
07:28You know what, Malcolm?
07:29Why don't you try to go for maybe two seconds without thinking about yourself and see what you notice?
07:34Stop insulting me! What the hell are you talking about?
07:38It never even occurred to you to wonder why Reese is so angry all the time?
07:42Why he acts like such a jerk?
07:44Because he's a jerk?
07:45Oh, that's right. Just because he's your brother doesn't mean you should put any thought into it.
07:50He couldn't possibly be dealing with anything weird and confusing.
07:55He couldn't possibly be afraid to admit that he wanted to go see a musical because you'd make fun of him.
08:01Of course I'd make fun of him. What kind of guy wants to see a Broadway musical?
08:04Yes, Malcolm. What kind of a guy does want to go see a Broadway musical?
08:15Come on.
08:16Maybe you're not being selfish. Maybe you're just too scared where it leads if you think about how much he fusses over his hair and his body and his gourmet cooking.
08:28Some people just don't want to see what's right in front of their faces.
08:32No, uh-uh.
08:38Look, maybe I'm butting in where I don't belong.
08:42But you're his brother.
08:44And he should at least be able to count on you for support.
08:55Thanks a lot for sticking us with that stupid show.
08:58I didn't do it for me. I did it for your brother.
09:00Malcolm's gay? I knew it!
09:10Wow! Look at it go, huh?
09:13They may have been responsible for one of the most devastating attacks in American history, but by God, they make a good toy.
09:22Is that what I think it is?
09:24Dad, it's not really-
09:25I'm just gonna take a little peek.
09:26My dad, my hero.
09:27I might have jazzed it up a little.
09:28Actually, everything in this report is just made up. Every word of it. I never did any of this stuff.
09:36Are you sure? I could have sworn Mom said something about you giving your parachute to an orphan in mid-air.
09:38You are not going to turn in a paper full of lies.
09:39But Dad, it's due on Tuesday.
09:40You're just gonna have to find another way. Let me explain something about heroism, son.
09:41There are all kinds of bravery in the world.
09:43There are all kinds of bravery in the world.
09:44You are not going to turn in a paper full of lies.
09:45But Dad, it's due on Tuesday.
09:46You're just gonna have to find another way.
09:50Let me explain something about heroism, son.
09:51There are all kinds of bravery in the world.
09:52All kinds.
09:53You don't have to be a Special Forces Ranger or fight crime in a cape to be a hero.
09:54No, I'm sorry.
09:55No.
09:56There.
09:57You're not going to be a hero.
09:58You're not going to be a hero.
09:59I could have sworn Mom said something about you giving your parachute to an orphan in mid-air.
10:01You're not going to turn in a paper full of lies.
10:02But Dad, it's due on Tuesday.
10:03You're just gonna have to find another way.
10:04Let me explain something about heroism, son.
10:07There are all kinds of bravery in the world.
10:12All kinds.
10:13all kinds you don't have to be a special forces ranger or fight crime in a cape to be a hero
10:21there's the unsung bravery of the common man normal people who prove their courage every day
10:28by standing up for their families or being decent to other people
10:33oh is it bleeding
10:50hey hey
10:52you want half i'll fix my own
11:14peanut butter's good too nothing wrong with having peanut butter
11:17what just because i'm having ham doesn't mean you have to have ham
11:24just because we're brothers doesn't mean we have to enjoy the same thing right
11:30exactly everybody's different it'd be stupid if i tried to force you to like something i liked
11:36right plus it wouldn't work anyway people can't help what they like that's just the way they're born
11:42i know like me i've never liked ham really because maybe if you tried it no but that's me
11:54i'm not putting it down or anything i hear you there's no right sandwich
12:00so um the abba thing should be great yeah absolutely just great
12:18hey have a good snack you too
12:24how you have to get ready the show starts in an hour and we still have to drop jamie off on the
12:33way almost done hey have you seen dewey around i promised him he could fire bomb the utah
12:38he's doing school work it was so sweet he told me this afternoon he's writing a 300 word report
12:45about how i'm his hero
12:53what a wonderful night how can they say the theater is dead when a spectacle like that is being
12:59bust all over the country yeah who knew you could use the same three chords over and over and people
13:06sit through it for two hours you can be mr fancy pants music snob if you like but everyone else loved it
13:15thank you for including me i had so much fun yeah me too i especially like the part where the father
13:22was stabbed in the back by his son that wasn't in the show hal well i saw it somewhere
13:29i'm glad you boys liked it so much i've never seen you like this you didn't stop smiling at each other
13:36all night how could you not love a show like that yeah nothing creepy about it at all you guys want
13:43to listen to the cd again again oh oh yeah la baba i could listen to it forever
13:51if you change your mind take a chance i'm the first in line honey i'm still free take a chance on me
14:02if you need me let me know i'm gonna be around if you got no place to go
14:10when you're feeling down
14:14if you're all alone
14:17when the pretty birds have blown honey i'm still free take a chance on me
14:25i'm gonna do my very best and it ain't no lie
14:30if you put me to the test if you let me try take a chance on me
14:42we can go dancing
14:44and then i said you keep your sexist adolescent humor to yourself your honor let's just say two
15:03days of picking up trash on the freeway never felt so good wow all these great stories the judge those
15:10bikers i don't know any other way to say this mom but you're kind of a badass you know i don't
15:16appreciate that kind of language if anyone cares i'll be in the garage alone commemorating our heroic
15:25stand against a heartless backstabbing traitorous attack okay hon then there was this time at the store
15:33with this huge shoplifter and he beautiful bianca now down by the way ready to make the fashionista swoon
15:42in her flowing crepe john this is nice what'd you think the versace well uh it has a nice drape and
15:52it seems like a kicky look for fall yeah i think it's yummy
16:08okay you know what this is stupid we have to talk about this right i mean just because it's weird
16:15doesn't mean we can't handle it we're brothers right we've been through everything together we shouldn't
16:20be pussyfooting around about it i got you something hey i got you something really see this is what i'm
16:28talking about we're being open and supportive and honest with each other here what's this it's called
16:36if you're gay it's okay it's full of great resources what's this naughty pool boys three i watched 10 or 12
16:44with these and this one seems that the most stuff you guys like wait i'm not gay you're gay no i'm not
16:54you are i'm not gay knock them check out what they're doing in that movie and then tell me you're not
16:59gay no no no this is she said
17:19oh my god oh my god you've lived you've opened you and everything is going to turn out this good
17:26you're gonna hold this bad
17:27it's gonna turn out this good
17:29i'm not gay no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
17:46great at all
17:54I better go drag my dad off the lawn.
17:57He likes to fall asleep right next to the toilet.
18:02See you guys at dinner.
18:08Vendetta.
18:09How could she be so...
18:10Vendetta!
18:11Yes, Vendetta.
18:14Reese, I promise we'll get back at her.
18:17But we have to be careful.
18:18She's got Mom totally on her side.
18:21Oh, yeah.
18:23It's tricky.
18:24Somehow we've got to figure out a way to turn Mom against her.
18:28Okay, got it.
18:29What?
18:30It's a little risky.
18:31But I'll tell you one thing.
18:33No one calls me gay and gets away with it.
18:35Ah!
18:37Ah!
18:37Ah!
18:38Ah!
18:39Oh!
18:53Dad, it's beautiful!
19:07Did what I could on my own.
19:11Yeah.
19:13Sorry.
19:21Then he accused me of loving Mom more than him
19:23just because I would slash your boyfriend's tie.
19:26I'm so sorry, honey.
19:28Parents shouldn't put their kids in the middle.
19:31Or hit on their friends.
19:33Boys, come get the groceries.
19:35Hope this means we can eat soon.
19:37Hold it.
19:39What's that?
19:41What?
19:42That.
19:43A turtleneck? What do you care?
19:45You don't wear turtlenecks.
19:46Can I just get the groceries so we can eat?
19:48I've got a ton of homework I need to...
19:50Aha!
19:51Mom, don't!
19:52Who gave you that?
19:54None of your business!
19:55What's your problem anyway?
19:57Can't you go five seconds without butting into my life?
20:03What?
20:04It wasn't her, Mom. I swear.
20:07You always think you know everything, but you're wrong.
20:10You're dead wrong this time.
20:13I think you and I need to have a little talk.
20:15But I didn't...
20:16Come on.
20:24When your Mom comes out,
20:25she's gonna wanna know what I said to you about this.
20:28Make up something good.
20:29You did it to me again!
20:30You did it to me again!
20:47I suppose you have a good explanation for this.
20:48Not really.
20:49Lois, I'm sorry. I'm not gonna lie to you.
20:50I gave him the hickey to keep him from doing something really stupid.
20:51Excuse me?
20:52I'm not saying I was smart either, but...
20:53There's this girl that Malcolm's been chasing, and she's really bad news.
20:55She's sexually active and I'm pretty sure she's into drugs.
21:00I suppose you have a good explanation for this.
21:04Not really.
21:06Lois, I'm sorry.
21:07I'm not going to lie to you.
21:10I gave him the hickey to keep him from doing something really stupid.
21:14Excuse me?
21:15I'm not saying I was smart either, but there's this girl that Malcolm's been chasing, and
21:20she's really bad news.
21:21She's sexually active, and I'm pretty sure she's into drugs, and the only reason why he's
21:26interested in her is because she's so insecure about himself.
21:31We got into this fight, and I was saying that he could do so much better, and he said that
21:37nobody liked him anyway, and I was telling him that a lot of girls liked him because he's
21:42sweet and cute and funny, and then he couldn't grab me, and he started kissing, and I couldn't
21:49stop because then he would think I was making the whole thing up, and I'm sorry.
21:57I didn't know what else to do.
22:00Wow, that's a pretty convincing lie for just winging it.
22:08I mean, you went a little overboard with the crying, but the basic story was good.
22:12Drug girl was a nice touch.
22:14Creepy.
22:15A little sad.
22:15What?
22:16How did you...
22:17Sweetie.
22:18I'm a mother.
22:20It's my business to know.
22:24You've got talent, but I turned pro 20 years ago.
22:28Which isn't to say you haven't been useful.
22:30I never would have been able to enjoy that play in peace if the boys weren't occupied, and
22:35the gay thing was very entertaining.
22:37But more important, those two idiots actually treated each other decently for a few days.
22:44Thank you for that.
22:46So, here's the deal.
22:48As of today, you are banned from this house.
22:51You violated my trust.
22:53But I don't want you around, my boys.
22:56Knowing that, they will automatically forgive you and sneak you back in.
23:04You will be here every day after school until 6, except Thursdays when I work until 9.30.
23:09You will have complete run of the house, but I want Reese to do his half hour of assigned
23:14reading and Malcolm to complete all his college applications, not just the Ivy Leagues.
23:19And no junk food.
23:20Understood?
23:21For how long?
23:23We'll see.
23:24Ice capades are coming in a few months.
23:27Sure would be nice to go as a family.
23:35Do you think we have enough?
23:36Let's hope so.
23:37I cleaned out every bait shop in town.
24:07Come.
24:08Come.
24:11Come.
24:13Come.
24:14Oh, my God.
24:44Oh, my God.
25:14Oh, my God.
25:44You're not asking Butt Munch?
25:46Right, like you hear anything but the sound of your own voice.
25:49Keep bent.
25:50Bite me.
25:54I liked you better when we were gay.
25:57Me too.
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