- 4/25/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 3 Episode 18 Poker #2
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TVTranscript
00:00Oh
00:07Come on honey
00:12Night
00:14Oh
00:29Honey, please not tonight. It's freezing
00:36Yes, no, maybe
00:40I don't know
00:42Can you repeat the question?
00:46You're not the boss of me now
00:48You're not the boss of me now
00:50You're not the boss of me now
00:52You're not the boss of me now
00:54And you're not so big
00:56You're not the boss of me now
01:00You're not the boss of me now
01:02You're not the boss of me now
01:04And you're not so big
01:08Life is unfair
01:38sour cream and onion, salt and vinegar, kettle, and baked.
01:44How much did this table cost?
01:46Is this why I didn't get a birthday present?
01:48Hey, this is my first time hosting the poker game,
01:50and I want everything perfect when my friends come over.
01:53At least better than their stuff.
01:56Oh, I almost forgot. Do you know Brian's daughter, Chandra?
01:59Yeah. Of course.
02:01Well, Brian's bringing her over tonight, and I think she's bringing a friend.
02:04Kristen?
02:05Uh, yes, something. But Brian is playing poker,
02:08so I need you two to entertain them. Understand?
02:11Uh-huh.
02:12No, I mean it, guys. I don't want you bothering us.
02:15I want you and those girls in your room all night with the door closed.
02:19Got it?
02:23There's your birthday present.
02:25Who's Chandra?
02:28She's no one to you.
02:30Understood?
02:31If you sat one foot in our room tonight,
02:34you are dead.
02:36Where am I supposed to go?
02:38I don't care.
02:39But if I see you tonight,
02:41I will Charlie horse every muscle in your body.
02:44But...
02:46It disturbs me how much I enjoyed that.
02:49Don't make me do it again.
02:53Hi, honey.
02:54Hello.
02:55You're working late tonight, right?
02:56Yeah, 10.30 at least.
02:58Okay, good.
02:59Something came up.
03:00I've got to have dinner with someone.
03:01Who?
03:02No one.
03:03I mean, it's just some old business I have to take care of,
03:06and I don't really want to talk about it now, okay?
03:09Well, can I help?
03:10No, it's fine.
03:12I promise.
03:13I'll tell you everything when you get home.
03:15Okay.
03:16Thanks.
03:17Don't worry.
03:18By the time you get back.
03:25Did you catch that he part?
03:30Hey, Brian.
03:31How are you?
03:32They're here.
03:34Get out.
03:35See ya?
03:36Well, all the other guys are...
03:38Hey.
03:40Oh, we've got to make a brand.
03:42That's old Abe.
03:43Boys, I know you know Brian,
03:45and I think you kids know each other.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Anyway, we're going to leave you kids to entertain yourselves.
03:52Yes, your father and I have to conduct some business.
03:55It seems that he has some of my money in his wallet.
03:58Bring it on!
04:02May I take your rap?
04:03Listen, just because my dad dragged us to this dump doesn't mean we have to talk to you.
04:09Just show us where we can sit where we won't catch fleas.
04:14I'm going to go see what Dewey's doing.
04:16Hey.
04:20Um, you're Stevie, right?
04:24Can we help you in?
04:28I'm not...
04:31Deaf.
04:32Did you hear him breathe?
04:38Did you hear the one about the astronaut and the hooker?
04:42Yeah.
04:44I didn't get it.
04:46Dewey, I told you to stay in your room.
04:50But Ree said that...
04:51No! Dewey, this is man time. You can't be here.
04:55How's the dick?
04:57Yeah, Hal, this is a sweet table. What is it, a 52-inch?
05:03Yes, siree.
05:05Nice. I got the 54.
05:06I got the 54.
05:07Yeah, but you don't have the built-in drake holders like I do.
05:11Or the extra padded leather around the edges like mine.
05:14You can play all night and not feel it in your wrist the next day.
05:17Oh, but this is nice too, Hal.
05:20Sweet.
05:22Sweet.
05:24How do you live your life with only three keys?
05:28I've got five.
05:29I've got nine.
05:30I got seven.
05:31Guys, guys, guys, do we have to do this every week?
05:34Every week.
05:35You're right.
05:37So, uh, how's the kids?
05:40Oh, you're just asking about his kids so that you can talk about yours.
05:43Hey, why shouldn't I?
05:44Did I tell you that James is made captain of the wrestling team?
05:48Stevie just wrote a brand new antivirus program.
05:51My daughter's essay scored her a trip to the White House.
05:58Malcolm has an IQ of 165.
06:01We know.
06:03You've been using that for six months.
06:10Would you like something from the kitchen?
06:14No.
06:18He doesn't want anything.
06:21You think they'll offer a change of diapers?
06:23I can't believe Stevie's printing up with this.
06:26You know what?
06:27I'll take care of it.
06:28Blanket?
06:30Girls, let me explain something to you about Stevie.
06:33He is no different than the rest of us.
06:36He plays video games.
06:38He does chores around the house.
06:40He goes to the movies with friends.
06:42He leads a completely normal life.
06:46Which makes even Saturday only his two months to live.
06:49What?
06:50What?
06:51Stevie, they have a right to know.
06:54Oh, my God.
06:56Is it true?
07:01I've been told I'm very brave.
07:05Oh.
07:06129.
07:20That didn't beat Malik.
07:22So Malik wins the breath holding.
07:25Abe got the most dip on a chip.
07:27Trey has the longest neck.
07:29Steve has the highest socks.
07:30And Hal, well, Hal has nothing so far.
07:35Yeah, the doctors are baffled.
07:38Stevie's brain is growing too big for his head.
07:41It's pressing up against his skull.
07:44They say it only has two months before it explodes.
07:46It's called encephalonareopelitis.
07:48How horrible.
07:50What do you think you're doing?
07:52Helping Stevie.
07:54It's okay.
07:56It's weird, but it feels good helping people.
07:58I like being the hero.
08:00You're pimping a fatal disease to take advantage of a girl.
08:01For good.
08:02Stevie, this is so unfair.
08:05I have no regrets.
08:07Well, one.
08:09I'm fine.
08:11I'm fine.
08:13I'm fine.
08:15I'm fine.
08:17I'm fine.
08:19I'm fine.
08:21I'm fine.
08:23I'm fine.
08:25I'm fine.
08:27I'm fine.
08:29One.
08:48Old business?
08:49What do you think that means?
08:50I don't know.
08:51You think it's an old boyfriend or something?
08:53You know, I have no idea what it is.
08:55Sometimes those old relationships can really get a hold on you.
08:59Hey, what's up with her ex-husband?
09:02He's still in jail.
09:03Didn't his parole hearing just come up?
09:05I don't know.
09:06Maybe.
09:07Look, she'll tell me about it tonight, whatever it is.
09:10Man, I really admire your maturity.
09:13I'm the complete opposite.
09:14I overanalyze everything.
09:16Like how Pialma didn't kiss you goodbye.
09:19I'd be totally fixated on that.
09:20Or her ex-husband being locked up without a woman for five years.
09:26That's what's wrong with me.
09:28One suspicious conversation and immediately I'm picturing sweaty bodies rolling around in front of a fireplace.
09:37God, I got a lot of growing up to do.
09:39What are you doing here?
09:45Get out.
09:46They kicked me out of my room already so I have nowhere else to go.
09:50That's not my problem.
09:57And I don't want to hear you cry.
09:59It's a real mood killer.
10:09Thanks, Chandra.
10:14This light's much better for his eyes.
10:19The music helps regulate my heartbeat.
10:24I just have to go cause vitals into the doctor.
10:39I'm missing something.
10:44What did you do with it?
10:46What do you think you're doing with a gun?
10:47Are you insane?
10:49Give it back.
10:50No! You don't bring a gun into this house.
10:52You don't get to have a gun.
10:53Where is it?
10:55This is where my family lives.
10:57You don't even know that when you bring a gun here?
10:59What the hell is wrong with you?
11:01You better tell me where it is.
11:03No way! You can't have a gun!
11:05It's not mine, it's my boyfriend's.
11:06I'm just holding it for him because his parents searched his room.
11:08Well, they should! He's got a gun!
11:12Tell me where it is.
11:14No!
11:17It's not even mine.
11:29Did you have anything in this house that isn't junk?
11:33No!
11:38No!
11:40No!
11:42Hey, Dill!
11:43Who can stuff the most pretzels in their mouth at one time?
11:45Don't lick it!
11:46Put them in yourself!
11:57Oh, shit!
11:59Don't lick it!
12:02Don't lick it!
12:03Okay, who could throw a potato chip the farthest?
12:17I've never met anyone who was gonna die before.
12:22We're all dying.
12:25I'm just going before Thanksgiving.
12:31That's terrible.
12:34It makes me appreciate the time I have.
12:44Wow, that's beautiful.
12:47You're so alive.
12:53Can I tongue kiss you?
12:57What?
12:57I'm sorry.
12:59The pressure on my brain.
13:04You poor baby.
13:09What are you doing here?
13:14What do you think?
13:15Go pee outside.
13:18Oh, for God's sake.
13:20Out.
13:30At the tone, the time will be 8, 22, and 30 seconds.
13:37Bam.
13:38Right to the millisecond.
13:40I'm two seconds off.
13:41I'm three.
13:42Same here.
13:43Hal, you don't even have a minute hand.
13:46Well, it's really more of a decorative piece.
14:03Where is it?
14:04Where's what?
14:05Full house, nines over aces.
14:19Yeah, it looks like I'm on a roll.
14:22And I expect to stay on one once I get home to a lotter, if you know what I mean.
14:27So what is this, the third Wednesday of the month?
14:30Hey, I'll do fine.
14:33Thank you very much.
14:34Oh, yeah?
14:35What's the number?
14:37Well, we're not going to do this.
14:39Just steal the cards, will you?
14:44Three.
14:45Four.
14:45Four.
14:46Five.
14:48Two.
14:50Just twice a week.
14:54Per week?
14:55Oh, then.
14:58Fourteen.
14:59Fourteen.
15:00Come on.
15:00No way.
15:02No, he's telling the truth.
15:03Believe me, I went on vacation with him.
15:05If anything, he's underselling himself.
15:11Well, I guess I win.
15:14I mean, it's really none of your business.
15:17I don't care how high you wear your socks.
15:19You ain't beating that.
15:22Hey, heads off to you, man.
15:25Yeah, now we know why you're so bad at poker.
15:28I don't even know how you can keep your eyes open.
15:32Oh, you better watch it, Hal.
15:34She must be angling for something big.
15:36What are you talking about?
15:38Well, you know she's going to watch something in exchange.
15:40You don't get anything free with women.
15:43Listen to you.
15:45With that attitude, it's no wonder you're not doing any better.
15:49Hey, well, don't put that on me, pal.
15:52Can we...
15:53Let me ask you something.
15:54When was the last time you sent your wife flowers?
15:57Well, how come it's always the man that has to send the flowers?
16:00I would love to get some flowers.
16:03Might as well stretch.
16:04This is going to take a while.
16:06Did you ever stop to think that women are independent human beings who can make their own choices?
16:12If you look at any successful relationship, you'll find one common element at their core.
16:18Trust.
16:18That's fine, Francis, but I really didn't need the hour and 20-minute speech.
16:23I was just going to ask if you wanted to take off early because I was willing to cover your shift.
16:28But evidently, you're not concerned.
16:30You like this?
16:41Oh, yeah.
16:43You know something, Stevie?
16:45Maybe it was meant for me to be here with you.
16:48You know?
16:48I mean, wasn't it fate that made Dawson's Creek a rerun so I came here?
16:54I guess fate can be kind, too.
17:00Oh, this is so awful.
17:06Stop.
17:08It's okay.
17:10No, it's not okay.
17:13I just keep thinking about everything you're going to miss out on.
17:18You're never going to grow up.
17:21You're never going to go to your prom.
17:24I mean, you're never going to know what it's like to be loved.
17:30What I'm thinking about doing goes against everything I believe in.
17:37Okay, but then I don't even know what I believe in anymore.
17:42It's like, what kind of a god could just let you die like this?
17:49I'll ask when I see him.
18:02When was the last time you just made time to talk to her?
18:07You're perfectly happy just closing off and not sharing your feelings.
18:11Why don't you just get off my back?
18:13There it is!
18:14You're shutting me out!
18:15My kid, you just talk to me!
18:18So that you could twist my words around and just throw them back at me?
18:21How many times do I have to apologize for that?
18:26You've been drinking, haven't you?
18:29Well, I warned you, but you didn't give me any other choice.
18:32Now my boyfriend's coming over and he's going to get that gun from you one way or another.
18:35Oh, little Marky Rosebaum's going to come over and scare me.
18:38I broke up with Marky.
18:42I'm dating Derek Fowler.
18:44Derek Fowler?
18:45He's a psycho.
18:47What happened to Marky?
18:48I loved Marky.
18:50You guys were great together.
18:51You know, Derek's going to make you tell him where that gun is.
18:55Where are you going?
18:56I don't want to be anywhere near here when he shows up.
18:59Chandra, I'm going home!
19:02Ziya.
19:05Nara.
19:05Well, maybe I'll just call the cops.
19:10Go ahead.
19:11Let's hope they get here first.
19:23That's it!
19:24I've had it!
19:25Dewey, shut up.
19:27You guys broke all my stuff!
19:30Look, I've got something good going on there and I don't want you to ruin it.
19:34This is all I have left!
19:38There.
19:39Now you've got nothing to worry about.
19:41End of discussion.
19:48Oh, my God.
19:49How could a night that started out so badly get even worse?
19:53Wait, don't panic.
19:56Think for a second.
19:59No, this is good.
20:00This is sensible.
20:03I make those kind of statements and just assume that she knows I'm sorry.
20:08Mm-hmm.
20:09Mm-hmm.
20:10Mm-hmm.
20:10Mm-hmm.
20:11And you know what?
20:13That's not right.
20:15She deserves better than that.
20:17That's all I needed to hear.
20:20I'm going to call that woman up and tell her just how much I love her.
20:23No, that's me.
20:24I'm going to call me.
20:30Hello?
20:33Earl, is that you?
20:36Yo, what the hell are you doing in my house?
20:39Hello?
20:40I'm going to go home now, because I've got a thing to do tomorrow.
20:53Come here, man. Take care of the station.
20:55Come here tomorrow.
20:57Call your things.
20:58Get down.
21:05Well, I guess the game's over.
21:08Yeah.
21:10You know, I've wondered why Earl never came to the game.
21:17Dad, I've tried to be understanding about all this, but there is a limit.
21:23You have a right to know what's going on in this house.
21:27Dewey, now is not the time to be...
21:29Normally, I don't mind being a snitch, but this even makes me sad.
21:36This is what your son is up to.
21:38Stevie, what are you doing?
21:43Where's Reese?
21:44I was about to take a scented bath.
21:47Is something going on?
21:49Lamb Chop, put your sweater on.
21:52Dad, I...
21:56Stevie, how...
21:58It's not...
22:04What it looks like.
22:07Well, it looks...
22:09Like she was on your lap.
22:16Oh, my God!
22:18His head exploded!
22:20Abe, are you okay?
22:22I think so.
22:30Oh, my God!
22:31I'm so sorry!
22:32Is everyone okay?
22:36I mean...
22:37What was that?
22:38Face it, Dad!
22:42You are a crappy father!
22:45All you ever cared about was women drinking and stealing.
22:50You know what?
22:51I can't talk about this anymore.
22:53How many times do I have to say it?
22:56I need money!
22:58Guess who's home!
22:59What are you doing here?
23:02I got off early.
23:03Hello, I'm Francis, Piyama's husband.
23:07You're married?
23:09Hmm.
23:10Didn't think that was worth mentioning.
23:12Very cozy.
23:13Francis, I told you what.
23:18Hey, I had a life before I met you.
23:23Maybe I haven't been fair to you.
23:26I mean, our relationship wasn't all bad.
23:29Remember all the tickle fights?
23:31Oh, yeah, those were wild.
23:33I remember this one time when we were taking a bath together and she started squirming something.
23:39Ah, no!
23:40I don't want to hear this!
23:42Oh, come on!
23:43It's a funny story, Francis.
23:45And he loves telling it.
23:48Don't you, Dad?
23:51Dad?
23:52Yep.
23:54I just...
23:56Oh, I'm...
23:57I'm so sorry.
23:59I just...
24:00I mean, it's a real pleasure to meet you, sir.
24:03Do you have any money?
24:05No.
24:06Well, tonight's been a big ball or nothing.
24:09I'm going to go finish off my shift.
24:17Love ya!
24:20Love ya!
24:24Honey!
24:25Everyone caught me in the...
24:27You are never seeing that girl again.
24:30And you're sure as hell are never seeing that boy again.
24:33You know what?
24:34You are not seeing daylight for the next six months.
24:37Just tell me what happened.
24:39We were playing cards.
24:47Okay.
24:49Let's start with you.
24:52Well...
24:53It's like...
24:58This.
25:01So, let me see.
25:04You found a gun.
25:05Didn't tell your father.
25:07Handled it.
25:08Hit it inside the house.
25:10Handled it again to move it.
25:12And tried to destroy it with a hacksaw.
25:14And at no point did you contact the police until after the gun went off.
25:20Yes.
25:22What'd you say your IQ was?
25:24Man, what a night.
25:28When that thing went off, I couldn't believe how scared I was.
25:32You were scared.
25:33Hey, I was way more scared than you guys.
25:35Are you kidding me?
25:36I screamed like a little girl.
25:38Please!
25:38I could have broke glass the way I screamed.
25:40You sounded like a hero.
25:42You sounded like a hero.
25:46I'm fine, but I'm in here.
25:54I'm fine, but I'm in here.
26:24I'm fine, but I love...
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