Comedian Tom Cotter on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00he is the author of the book bad dad a guide to pitiful parenting would you please welcome

00:19tom cotter into our studio good morning to you sir good morning to you thanks for having me it's

00:24good to have you because the only time you've been here on the air with us was was on the phone i

00:28think the book was new when you're on the phone with us you may have been playing the sellersville

00:32theater at that time i believe i was all right all right so how are things things are good they

00:36lifted the restraining order i'm back in the area i'm happy to be back all right and and how are

00:40your children are they still having a pitiful life they are okay you know my wife uh we spoke off the

00:45air my wife is also a stand-up comic and she wrote a book called mean mommy so our kids are doomed

00:51they're in big trouble yeah well what do what do they find pitiful about you or mean about her

00:56uh all the above you know yeah my my kids were around i came in second on america's got talent

01:03which sounds good but i lost to a dog act and it's a long story but anyway they they constantly

01:08abuse me about that my wife went further than i did on last comic standing and that comes up often

01:14oh boy you know she likes to throw me under the bus so my kids mock us about all that stuff so this

01:20is my book is kind of a rebuttal to their obnoxiousness yeah okay as a family man do you do you have a

01:26dog we do you do yeah we have a lab it's a meth lab but we guard it with pitbulls and they're

01:30adorable and we also have a dalmatian we named him g-spot because we can never find him but he's

01:37really cute and uh we uh uh you know i'm my kids waited a couple years after i lost to a dog act in

01:45front of 20 million viewers to ask me for a dog which i thought was nice and people think i hate

01:49animals now and that is not true they're delicious but i i uh i do have an issue with

01:54little dogs because they humiliated me in front of the world okay all right and little dog people

02:00are my next door neighbor has a uh cockapoo i believe it's called which sounds like a disease

02:05and he invited me over to his house for his dog's birthday that's what little dog people are they're

02:10psycho and i was like i'm not coming to here to hook's birthday it's the same day as my cat's bar

02:16mitzvah i don't have time for that so we weren't doing that uh which is weird because i'm not jewish

02:21but anyway sorry i go off on tangents i have add well uh when when you were on america's got talent

02:29you you that you did this thing where you you came out and and like you were you were down there to

02:34the end so i'm not sure where in the in the season this happened but you put a board up they put a big

02:40screen up like like it was like was family feud and you told howie to just pick a topic anything

02:46on the board and you would go off on it so can i do that wow uh you're throwing down the gauntlet yeah

02:52all right it's early my synapses aren't firing okay let's see what we can do all right uh on the

02:57board was college college for me best 28 semesters of my entire life i uh i went to columbia i worked

03:05for a drug cartel and then i went to community college and college for me uh you know it was a

03:10junior year i studied abroad her name was lucy very high and uh senior year i used to fall asleep

03:17in class and my professors hated that because i sleep naked but i uh i made bad decisions i used

03:24a black highlighter you don't want to do that and i got caught peeking over another guy's shoulder

03:28during a test once it was a urine test very awkward but um yeah i loved college college was great

03:35what about what about flying i mean you're a comic use every comic yeah uh it's you know we have to

03:43do it i do it a lot two summers ago i was on a flight and i couldn't tell if the flight attendant was a

03:48male or a female which was ironic because i was on air train i fly a lot and i um i i uh i hate the

03:55guys in first class because they get to board the plane before the rest of us and then we have to do

04:00our little poverty parade past them which is humiliating and then i can't use the arm risk

04:05because the guy next to me can't use a treadmill and that's not really uh i uh i flew down here

04:12on spirit because i got a lot of money and i don't know if you've been on spirit it's a trailer park

04:17with wings it's it's the worst airline i you know i freak when i fly i sat next to a guy with a long

04:24beard on a flight recently and halfway through the flight i punched him in the face because i thought he

04:28said kill the infidel but he was just ordering a white zinfandel so oops my bad sorry rabbi

04:34i uh fly a lot uh how do you feel about the help on the plane or or i saw a guy the other day they

04:45read this video in the post of of a male airline uh flight attendant i guess that's right that's the

04:51word nowadays right flight attendant and and when he was doing the description of you know put on your

04:57seatbelts and here's the oxygen all that stuff he did it as if it was like a pole dance and it's

05:03like this guy and he's fat and it was hilarious absolutely hilarious he's sitting there leaning

05:08against the bathroom you know stroking up and down good for him i think it's great if you have to do

05:14that it's always the most boring speech in the world but they have to give it so make it spice it

05:19up a little bit and they do that on some airlines and i commend them for doing that making it fun

05:22and we used to call them stewardesses right and that was wrong and then it was flight attendant and

05:26now i believe it's sky witch whatever it is it depends on what you're flying on and they're always

05:33they're just a buzz kill you know they're like they always sir you've had too much to drink all right

05:37maybe i shouldn't have crammed the screaming infant into the overhead compartment but i have a

05:42designated driver his name is captain i have some fun but i'm not flying the thing just god they're

05:50annoying they tell you the oxygen mask the thing the little dixie cut that hangs up is your oxygen

05:56it's not it's to muffle your screams when you're going down in flames we know that don't lie to us

06:00then they tell you only you're going to need it if there's a change in cabin pressure which is a

06:05gaping hole in the plane call it what it is and then they say once you put it on just relax and breathe

06:10normally up yours there's a hole in the plane i'm gonna hyperventilate you go get the beverage cart

06:17let's go move it do your little pole dance

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