Comedian Craig Gass on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00Craig Gass, right? That's your name? Craig Gass?

00:15I think it is, Craig Gass.

00:17Craig Gass? Craig Gass.

00:17I think it is, yeah.

00:19I could be anybody you want.

00:21We're on the radio, so you could say,

00:22Ladies and gentlemen, tonight through Thursday, Tracy Morgan.

00:25Hey, what's happening?

00:26Dude, I want to put a baby on your butt.

00:30That's crazy.

00:31That is crazy.

00:32Have you ever had Tracy Morgan on your show?

00:34Only on the phone.

00:36He was never in the studio, but only on the phone.

00:39I used to write for Weekend Update,

00:40and I have a million stories about Tracy,

00:43and my favorite was doing a show at Caroline's

00:46opening for Dave Chappelle in 2001

00:49when an agent walked up to me and said,

00:52Did you hear about that party last weekend?

00:53And I said, Did I hear about what?

00:54And he goes, Did you hear about that party last weekend?

00:55And I go, What party?

00:56And he goes, Tracy Morgan had a party that turned into an orgy.

00:59What?

01:00Turned into an orgy.

01:01We're standing around with our suits on,

01:02and there's naked people.

01:05And then Tracy Morgan comes around the corner,

01:07takes off all his clothes, and starts jumping in.

01:09I go, What?

01:09Get out of here.

01:10What was this?

01:11And he goes, Last Saturday night.

01:12Right at that moment, Tracy Morgan walks around the corner.

01:14I haven't seen Tracy in probably a year at this point.

01:18And I went, Tracy!

01:20I heard your party was messed up, man!

01:24And Tracy rolled over, and he just eyeballed me.

01:28It was crazy.

01:31It was crazy.

01:32You know what's crazy about it, Craig?

01:34When you get off on my floor, you don't even hear nothing.

01:37You don't hear nothing at all.

01:38Then you start walking towards my apartment,

01:40and you still don't hear nothing.

01:41Then I open my door, and there's buttholes and toes everywhere.

01:50Buttholes and toes?

01:52And he looked at me and he went,

01:53Yeah, some of them toes were in the buttholes.

01:56And he walked out of the room and I went,

01:57Wow, that is the craziest thing.

02:01Check the podcast if you want to hear that last year.

02:02Yeah, check the podcast.

02:03I'm sorry.

02:04I think I pushed just a little bit.

02:06You know what?

02:07I'll tell you what.

02:07And believe it or not, what I just said

02:09is the censored version of that story.

02:12Oh, my God.

02:13Yell out Tracy Morgan

02:14at the brand new Howie Mandel Comedy Club

02:17tonight, tomorrow, or Thursday,

02:19and I'll tell you the uncensored version of Tracy Morgan.

02:22Now, are you planning on bumping into John Brasier from the Phillies

02:26because you have your Pearl Jam shirt on?

02:28I didn't realize that they are now a city in Seattle.

02:31Yeah, they just did a couple nights in Seattle.

02:35My friend Mike is the guitar player for Pearl Jam,

02:37and I hung out.

02:38He's actually on my comedy special.

02:40I did a comedy special called

02:41The Worst Comedy Show Ever.

02:43And Mike McReady shows up on the comedy special

02:47to show me how much better his life is than mine.

02:50Okay.

02:50And it plays really well.

02:52But what's crazy is that all the guys,

02:54I do impressions of Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons.

02:56All the time.

02:57That drives the guys in Kiss crazy.

02:59And the guys in Pearl Jam are huge Kiss fans.

03:04And Mike introduced me to his drummer,

03:06and we told Kiss stories for an hour.

03:10Do all bands have Kiss stories?

03:12Well, Matt Cameron has a very interesting Kiss story.

03:15When he was 15 years old,

03:17he formed a cover band with his friends.

03:21He formed a Kiss cover band.

03:22All right.

03:22And they called themselves Kiss.

03:26What?

03:26And they're 15 years old,

03:29and they would do,

03:30once a month,

03:30they'd play at a friend's house,

03:32and they'd pass flyers around school.

03:34Uh-huh.

03:35This Friday,

03:35at John's house,

03:37Kiss!

03:398 p.m.,

03:40and they'd have John's address on there,

03:42and then all the kids would show up

03:43at 8 o'clock,

03:45and then they'd come out as Kiss.

03:46And one day,

03:47Matt gets a letter in the mail

03:49from Casablanca Records,

03:52which is Kiss's record label.

03:54And the first thing that Matt Cameron thinks is like,

03:56oh my,

03:57we're getting signed!

04:00We're getting signed!

04:02Called people up,

04:03come over while I open this.

04:04All his friends go,

04:05okay,

04:06we're gonna open it together.

04:07You ready?

04:07They open it up.

04:08It's a cease and desist.

04:10From Kiss!

04:11He's 15 years old,

04:13and he's getting a cease and desist from Kiss.

04:15He still has the letter.

04:17Oh, God.

04:18I hope it's framed.

04:19Yeah.

04:19I mean,

04:20I love,

04:20it reminds me of a story

04:22that a buddy of mine

04:23who works with the Eagles

04:25told me once,

04:26and I thought this story was so...

04:27You're talking band,

04:28not football team.

04:28Yeah,

04:29the band.

04:30And he had this story

04:32that I ran into a buddy

04:34who I found out played drums for,

04:36Brian Wilson.

04:37Did I ever tell you

04:38that Brian Wilson story

04:39with Don Henley?

04:40I don't think so.

04:42When I first heard the story,

04:43it was too good to be true,

04:45and a week or two later,

04:47I ran into a buddy of mine

04:47named Todd Suckerman

04:48who plays,

04:49he plays drums for Sticks,

04:51and someone mentioned,

04:52you know that guy

04:53who played for Brian Wilson?

04:54And I go,

04:54you played for...

04:55Todd,

04:56I just heard a story.

04:57I can't even believe

04:59this is true

04:59about Don Henley,

05:00and he said,

05:00oh, about the autograph?

05:01Yep,

05:01it's true.

05:02I've seen it.

05:02Apparently,

05:03Don Henley is the biggest

05:05Beach Boys fan

05:06in the world.

05:07Okay.

05:08And he found out

05:09that Brian Wilson

05:10is doing an art exhibit

05:11in Los Angeles,

05:12so Don Henley grabs a copy

05:14of the first album

05:15he's ever owned,

05:16which was

05:17Beach Boys Pet Sounds.

05:19Okay.

05:19To go and meet Brian

05:21and get the album autographed,

05:22he shows up at the art gallery.

05:23If you don't know anything

05:24about Brian Wilson

05:25from the Beach Boys,

05:25Brian is off.

05:26Yes.

05:27Yeah,

05:28he had some problems

05:30early on,

05:30and then drugs

05:31made them even worse.

05:33And he's very off,

05:34and socially,

05:35he's very awkward,

05:36apparently.

05:36Yes, yes.

05:37So Don Henley walks in

05:38with a buddy of mine

05:39who is a guitar tech,

05:40and the guitar tech

05:40witnesses this exchange.

05:43Brian,

05:45Don Henley,

05:46Eagles.

05:47And he goes,

05:47oh, yeah.

05:49Okay, sure.

05:50Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

05:52Sure, sure, sure.

05:53And Don's trying to have

05:54a normal conversation

05:55with Brian Wilson,

05:56it's not going anywhere,

05:58and Don finally goes,

05:59all right,

06:00hey, listen,

06:02do you mind,

06:02this is the first album

06:03I ever purchased,

06:04would you mind,

06:05and he goes,

06:06sure, sure,

06:07you got something

06:08I can sign with?

06:09He goes, yeah, yeah,

06:09and he gives him the Sharpie.

06:11Brian Wilson grabs the album,

06:13grabs the Sharpie,

06:14looks at Don,

06:15and then writes,

06:17to Don.

06:20Then looks back

06:21at Don Henley,

06:23looks back down,

06:24thank you.

06:26for all

06:27the great

06:30music,

06:32and then slows down,

06:34thinks about it,

06:35looks over at Don,

06:37scratches off the word

06:38great,

06:38and writes,

06:39good,

06:40and then signs his name,

06:43there you go,

06:44and walks away.

06:47Wasn't trying to be a jerk,

06:48he just is that awkward,

06:50he just realized

06:51halfway through,

06:52you know what,

06:52not,

06:52I mean,

06:53not great,

06:53I mean,

06:54you're not a beach boy,

06:55you're not a beach boy,

06:56you're good,

06:57you're good,

06:58you're good,

06:58but Don Henley found it so funny,

07:01that he framed it,

07:03and it's in his living room,

07:05so when you mention,

07:06like,

07:06you take the cease and desist,

07:07and you frame it,

07:08Don Henley apparently,

07:09has this awkward autographed frame

07:13in his house,

07:14but one thing that's happened

07:15since the last time I saw you,

07:17that you don't know about,

07:18is I finally auditioned

07:20for Saturday Night Live

07:21for the first time,

07:22wow, that's great,

07:22and,

07:23yeah,

07:23well,

07:23hey,

07:24it's,

07:25I'm in Atlantic City,

07:26so it's not,

07:26I didn't make SNL,

07:28but I'm doing good,

07:29I'm doing good,

07:30because I'm in Atlantic City,

07:30I'm at the brand new

07:31Hard Rock Casino tonight

07:32through Thursday,

07:33but Dana Carvey,

07:35former cast member of SNL,

07:37helped me with my audition,

07:38That's great,

07:39and,

07:39when will you know?

07:41They sent me a note

07:42through a manager,

07:44saying,

07:45cease and desist,

07:46you can work that in tonight,

07:52Craig.

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