Comedian Chad Daniels on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00Ladies and gentlemen, the madman from Minnesota.

00:16Have you ever been called that before?

00:17That's a ridiculous title that I've just given you.

00:19I kind of like it.

00:20All right, Chad Daniels is here.

00:22How you doing?

00:22I'm doing great.

00:23I might start boxing.

00:25Just with that.

00:26Ladies and gentlemen in this corner.

00:27Hang on a second.

00:29Let me set you up for that perfectly.

00:31Say it again.

00:33Ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, the madman.

00:38I feel like I'm giving a speech in a huge auditorium.

00:44Lecture hall.

00:45Speaking of auditoriums, you have kids in school.

00:49How old is your son now?

00:50He's 19.

00:51He's 19.

00:51So is he in college yet?

00:53Yeah.

00:53So he took a year off and then went to school, which was kind of a tough year for us.

00:58Our dad-son relationship because he went to half a semester and was like, I don't like

01:04this.

01:04And I go, I get it.

01:05College sucks.

01:05I try to tell you that.

01:07And then he goes, I said, well, you need to get a job.

01:10And he goes, I think I'm going to be a gamer.

01:11And I was like, well, gamers don't live at this address.

01:14So you're going to need to find a different one to be a gamer.

01:18But if you want to live here, you have to get a job that doesn't end with aimer.

01:21And you live here.

01:22That's fine.

01:23So I told him, I go, if you live here, just so you get in the hang of it, you're going

01:28to have to pay me $200 rent at the beginning of every month.

01:31And he goes, $200?

01:32What about $150 and I buy my own milk?

01:35And I was just like, who drinks $50 worth of milk in a year?

01:42Do you have a bone factory in your room?

01:44What are you doing?

01:46I was like, that's probably why he can't get a job.

01:47He's horrible at negotiating.

01:49I'll give you $17 an hour.

01:51How about $16 and I'll drive myself here?

01:55Okay.

01:57And your daughter is what, entering high school now?

01:59Yeah, she's 14.

02:00She's 14.

02:01She's 14.

02:02Now, hang on.

02:03I've got to ask you something, because you're single.

02:06You and your wife are divorced.

02:07Correct.

02:07All right.

02:08But you live eight blocks apart from each other?

02:09That is also correct.

02:11All right.

02:12So picking the kids up is easy.

02:15Come on over.

02:16Yeah, well, it's actually, there's a lake in between us.

02:19Oh, okay.

02:20Do I have to swim?

02:21Well, no, but it's like, if I go there or she walks to my house, it's a very calming

02:25lake.

02:26So it's like, okay, we got it.

02:29Walk around this lake, take a deep breath.

02:31All right.

02:32So when she's starting high school, what is it like for a single man to have a 14-year-old

02:38girl in his house?

02:40Well, I didn't realize, so I only grew up a boy.

02:43Right.

02:44And so I didn't realize that girls, when they're going through puberty, their voices also change.

02:49So I was talking to my daughter and she goes, if we're going to make strawberry rhubarb

02:52cake, then why are you looking at me like that?

02:55Oh, so we also have some changes here.

02:59All right.

03:00Okay.

03:02Sounds like a little friend has shown up.

03:04You know what drives me the most crazy is when I'll tell someone, someone will ask that

03:11and then a grown man will go, I guess she's a woman now.

03:14And it's like, you need to back it up right now.

03:17She is a little girl.

03:18Her last birthday, we had a unicorn cake, buddy.

03:20But she had her first period at my house.

03:25Okay.

03:25And she came downstairs and she goes, dad, a couple things.

03:28Got my period.

03:29Number two, don't want to talk about it.

03:31And I said, all right, number one, great.

03:34Number two, greater.

03:37And she goes, well, we have to go to mom's house because she bought me some stuff.

03:40And I said, I don't know if you've heard, but dads can buy things.

03:44And so I brought her upstairs and I opened up the closet next to the laundry room.

03:47And inside of there was one box of all of the, every, each of them, all, every kind I bought.

03:54And I'm not some dumb guy that thought I was going to show up at the store

03:57and there was going to be a box that said my daughter's first period.

04:00I'm not an idiot, but I didn't know what she wants.

04:02So I just grabbed all of them.

04:03And that cost $217 where I live.

04:08That's a lot of cotton.

04:09Yeah, no kidding.

04:11And so you show up at the register and they're like,

04:15what, you got a leak in your basement?

04:16All right.

04:17Listen, so we're, uh, I'm showing her all these things and I go, there aren't any other ones.

04:24So these, this is whatever you need is in here.

04:27And if you can't find it, I'm sorry about your square crotch.

04:31Because I don't know what else to do.

04:34I have listened to podcasts about this.

04:37I really did.

04:38I started listening to podcasts.

04:39I was a responsible dad.

04:40That's great.

04:41But one of them said, oh, it's made me laugh.

04:42It said, you need to, uh, when you're showing your daughter how to use the applicator, you push the tampon into your hand.

04:49And I was like, well, that just seems like a magic trick.

04:51Because if you picture it pushing something into your hand, that's what magicians do.

04:56And I just didn't want to be like, ah, ta-da!

04:58Where's the tampon?

05:00You better find it because toxic shock is real.

05:02So, uh, I ended up bringing back the rest of the, $211 worth of tampons.

05:09And they're not prepared for that.

05:10Because I, I wheel this card in.

05:12This guy looks at me and he goes, all right, you checking out?

05:15And I go, mm-mm, I'm checking in.

05:17And he just, his whole face drops and he goes, oh my God, what happened?

05:22And I panicked.

05:23I just went, ah, she said pancake mix.

05:26And everybody at the store, like, turned to me.

05:29And I was like, I, I don't know.

05:30I messed up.

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