Comedian Chad Daniels on The John DeBella Show
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Ladies and gentlemen, the madman from Minnesota.
00:16Have you ever been called that before?
00:17That's a ridiculous title that I've just given you.
00:19I kind of like it.
00:20All right, Chad Daniels is here.
00:22How you doing?
00:22I'm doing great.
00:23I might start boxing.
00:25Just with that.
00:26Ladies and gentlemen in this corner.
00:27Hang on a second.
00:29Let me set you up for that perfectly.
00:31Say it again.
00:33Ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, the madman.
00:38I feel like I'm giving a speech in a huge auditorium.
00:44Lecture hall.
00:45Speaking of auditoriums, you have kids in school.
00:49How old is your son now?
00:50He's 19.
00:51He's 19.
00:51So is he in college yet?
00:53Yeah.
00:53So he took a year off and then went to school, which was kind of a tough year for us.
00:58Our dad-son relationship because he went to half a semester and was like, I don't like
01:04this.
01:04And I go, I get it.
01:05College sucks.
01:05I try to tell you that.
01:07And then he goes, I said, well, you need to get a job.
01:10And he goes, I think I'm going to be a gamer.
01:11And I was like, well, gamers don't live at this address.
01:14So you're going to need to find a different one to be a gamer.
01:18But if you want to live here, you have to get a job that doesn't end with aimer.
01:21And you live here.
01:22That's fine.
01:23So I told him, I go, if you live here, just so you get in the hang of it, you're going
01:28to have to pay me $200 rent at the beginning of every month.
01:31And he goes, $200?
01:32What about $150 and I buy my own milk?
01:35And I was just like, who drinks $50 worth of milk in a year?
01:42Do you have a bone factory in your room?
01:44What are you doing?
01:46I was like, that's probably why he can't get a job.
01:47He's horrible at negotiating.
01:49I'll give you $17 an hour.
01:51How about $16 and I'll drive myself here?
01:55Okay.
01:57And your daughter is what, entering high school now?
01:59Yeah, she's 14.
02:00She's 14.
02:01She's 14.
02:02Now, hang on.
02:03I've got to ask you something, because you're single.
02:06You and your wife are divorced.
02:07Correct.
02:07All right.
02:08But you live eight blocks apart from each other?
02:09That is also correct.
02:11All right.
02:12So picking the kids up is easy.
02:15Come on over.
02:16Yeah, well, it's actually, there's a lake in between us.
02:19Oh, okay.
02:20Do I have to swim?
02:21Well, no, but it's like, if I go there or she walks to my house, it's a very calming
02:25lake.
02:26So it's like, okay, we got it.
02:29Walk around this lake, take a deep breath.
02:31All right.
02:32So when she's starting high school, what is it like for a single man to have a 14-year-old
02:38girl in his house?
02:40Well, I didn't realize, so I only grew up a boy.
02:43Right.
02:44And so I didn't realize that girls, when they're going through puberty, their voices also change.
02:49So I was talking to my daughter and she goes, if we're going to make strawberry rhubarb
02:52cake, then why are you looking at me like that?
02:55Oh, so we also have some changes here.
02:59All right.
03:00Okay.
03:02Sounds like a little friend has shown up.
03:04You know what drives me the most crazy is when I'll tell someone, someone will ask that
03:11and then a grown man will go, I guess she's a woman now.
03:14And it's like, you need to back it up right now.
03:17She is a little girl.
03:18Her last birthday, we had a unicorn cake, buddy.
03:20But she had her first period at my house.
03:25Okay.
03:25And she came downstairs and she goes, dad, a couple things.
03:28Got my period.
03:29Number two, don't want to talk about it.
03:31And I said, all right, number one, great.
03:34Number two, greater.
03:37And she goes, well, we have to go to mom's house because she bought me some stuff.
03:40And I said, I don't know if you've heard, but dads can buy things.
03:44And so I brought her upstairs and I opened up the closet next to the laundry room.
03:47And inside of there was one box of all of the, every, each of them, all, every kind I bought.
03:54And I'm not some dumb guy that thought I was going to show up at the store
03:57and there was going to be a box that said my daughter's first period.
04:00I'm not an idiot, but I didn't know what she wants.
04:02So I just grabbed all of them.
04:03And that cost $217 where I live.
04:08That's a lot of cotton.
04:09Yeah, no kidding.
04:11And so you show up at the register and they're like,
04:15what, you got a leak in your basement?
04:16All right.
04:17Listen, so we're, uh, I'm showing her all these things and I go, there aren't any other ones.
04:24So these, this is whatever you need is in here.
04:27And if you can't find it, I'm sorry about your square crotch.
04:31Because I don't know what else to do.
04:34I have listened to podcasts about this.
04:37I really did.
04:38I started listening to podcasts.
04:39I was a responsible dad.
04:40That's great.
04:41But one of them said, oh, it's made me laugh.
04:42It said, you need to, uh, when you're showing your daughter how to use the applicator, you push the tampon into your hand.
04:49And I was like, well, that just seems like a magic trick.
04:51Because if you picture it pushing something into your hand, that's what magicians do.
04:56And I just didn't want to be like, ah, ta-da!
04:58Where's the tampon?
05:00You better find it because toxic shock is real.
05:02So, uh, I ended up bringing back the rest of the, $211 worth of tampons.
05:09And they're not prepared for that.
05:10Because I, I wheel this card in.
05:12This guy looks at me and he goes, all right, you checking out?
05:15And I go, mm-mm, I'm checking in.
05:17And he just, his whole face drops and he goes, oh my God, what happened?
05:22And I panicked.
05:23I just went, ah, she said pancake mix.
05:26And everybody at the store, like, turned to me.
05:29And I was like, I, I don't know.
05:30I messed up.