Comedian Nicki Glaser on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

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00:00for the very first time here on the show ladies and gentlemen and we don't know why

00:16but Nikki Glaser is finally here hi hi thanks for having me it's good to have you here i'm so happy

00:23to see you and it's nice to have a woman in the studio i can look straight in the eyes right

00:27usually you can't look us in the eye no no no no usually they're much shorter oh gotcha gotcha

00:32yeah yeah i'm a i'm a tall broad i'm not too tall but you know i'm i'm five nine i um i tend to date

00:40shorter men that's kind of my thing i seek out shorter men because here's my trick you can get

00:45a really hot guy if he's short on discount like you can get way hotter than you deserve if you go

00:51short because a lot of girls don't like short guys i don't mind them i actually find short guys to be

00:57more interesting than tall guys like once you get to know them they're funnier they're better

01:00hangs no offense to you john you're a tall guy but like i i they i find them to be more interesting

01:05um because they've had to like develop personalities to persevere past the fact that society like hates

01:11them because they're short so they're like here's a magic trick here's a joke so they're like fun

01:15hangs you get it you're short

01:17i have a fantastic personality you definitely do but it's because you're a little on the shorter

01:24side as as men go you're not short short i get it she's got an easily an inch on you easily yeah

01:29definitely steve's like 5'11 isn't he no no no he's got like a half inch on me i can tell

01:34maybe not okay you know what some padding in that hat after this we're doing a back-to-back shot

01:41i would love i can't wait for it for the podcast yeah yeah but i've always dated guys who are shorter

01:45than me i just i don't care i'll go um i'll go short to get a hot guy i'll i'll go a lot of things

01:50you've got an std that i don't have i'll i'll risk it listen i'm gonna get them all anyway i might

01:56as well go down with a smoke show now but but do you have do you have a regular relationship have

02:04you had a regular obviously you're not married so i won't go there yeah no i'm not married but i i've

02:09been um in and out of a thing with someone for about six years like we break up and get back

02:14together i think we've broken up seven times in six years so i have i don't think it's working

02:17i have no friends left i can tell you that they've all pulled their support because when you get back

02:22and forth with an ex your friends all drop off because they've heard too many bad things and

02:27they're like don't get back with them that's settling you're settling and i'm like well what if the

02:31pilgrims didn't settle where would we be sometimes it's a good thing sometimes you're tired i'm tired of

02:37wearing makeup everywhere and like putting my best foot forward i just want to kind of give up

02:41and settle down i get angry about it they're like settle down i'm like i'm trying and you won't let

02:48me so yeah we've been we we i don't know it's just easier to go back to ex-boyfriends sometimes

02:54than date someone new you just go if this is familiar and you just yeah so i just keep going

03:00back together with him and sometimes but don't the problems become familiar also or the reasons

03:04why you left become familiar yeah but i mean sometimes people people do change people over

03:10the course of six years they can really work on themselves and and a lot of times the the issue

03:15is i go out and i date other guys and then i look back at my ex-boyfriend i go oh he was the best

03:19best i can do and i can't get better i peaked early i did really good early on i'm like oh no

03:26so that's why i keep going back now i don't know if you guys know it but because it's not a show that

03:32we watch but nikki was on uh dancing with the stars i was yes i got first voted off

03:40so that feels terrible and i i took i took the gig as a a total risk because i've never danced in my

03:48life and they um everyone keeps going like how'd you get that gig did you ask them and i'm like i

03:52would never ask to do that this is this is the the it's the hardest thing i've ever done it was the

03:58scariest thing i've ever done but they asked me and when you get asked to do dancing with the stars

04:02you do it because then that means you're a star like once you okay yeah right once you're dancing

04:06the stars i'm a star now yeah i'm going forward star so um the worst dancer of everyone there

04:13were 13 dancers i was voted off first and let me tell you that there was a blind woman in the

04:18competition and i was still deemed worse than her she had a dog on the dance floor with her and they

04:24were still like we we don't want to see you again we'd rather see a blind woman try to dance and she's a

04:30lovely woman danielle umstead but um she should have gone first not me no she she was actually

04:37better than me i'm a terrible dancer i really i honestly think it's the only thing holding me

04:42back from a life of um of a career in stripping i've always thought i could be a stripper i'm very

04:47open about myself and and i don't mind the naked part it's the dancing part of stripping that was

04:52always humiliated me i'm like if you didn't have to dance if you could just stand on a stage naked

04:57with another chick and just like play scrabble or something i would do that but you have to like

05:02dance so i got asked to do dancing with the stars it was insane that they even wanted me because i

05:07look like a dancer that's the thing when i met my dance partner he was like oh we're gonna win

05:11just by looking at me because i saw shots of you and it's like it's it's it's legs galore you've got

05:16dancer legs i know i look like a dancer and i he said he he my dance partner was russian and um we

05:24had a big gleb gleb sevchenko which by the way he is as hot as his name is disgusting

05:30in different ways he is the hottest guy i've ever been around in my life he was i he's the hottest guy

05:38who's ever talked to me and then i got to leading up to so i only lasted one episode two episodes but

05:44they were like monday tuesday night so i was off as soon as they could get me off but prior to that i

05:49had spent a month dancing with gleb sevchenko um every day four hours a day seven days a week

05:55and i just got to like grind on this hot guy it was it was like a make-a-wish it was the greatest

06:01thing that's ever happened to me i was he was so hot and um it was really really fun but they

06:07yeah when he first met me um he was like oh we might win this thing and then um you know you have

06:13to do interviews throughout it like after dance practice you have to do one-on-one interviews

06:17and i would just hear him sometimes be like it's a rough day you know like he would just really

06:22he had been through he was sometimes he would just like i mean i couldn't get but he was like

06:27he's been teaching dancing for i think since he was 14 years old and he's my age 34 for 20 years he's

06:32been teaching dancing and he was like i've never met someone who can't who can't do it who's who's this

06:38bad he really was he was he wouldn't get mad at me he would get mad at the world in which i existed

06:44i was like take this up with my parents they're the ones that made me and and turn me because he

06:50said you're like a robot you dance like a robot and i go that's not a nice thing to say and he

06:54tried to spin it he was like oh but i can reprogram you and i was like you've already said too much

06:58i know i dance like an injured horse i do i just i need a calendar to mark down that because i don't

07:05remember the last time someone told me that they grind against someone oh yeah yeah we were really

07:11grinding it was it was a very it was so funny because i think i got knocked off the show because

07:15i accidentally made a sex joke i didn't mean to i'm i'm known as like a sex comic and i when i do

07:21things that aren't a sex show like i don't i play by the rules i don't and especially going on abc it's

07:27owned by disney and i wanted to last on the show so i was on my best behavior tom bergeron's interviewing

07:33me on on the first show and i'm just and i even asked tom beforehand i go can you let me know like

07:38what you're going to ask so i can prepare an answer and he goes i don't know what i'm going

07:40to ask and i'm like oh i'm going to say something i know it but i was tiptoeing and he goes you know

07:45has a life in stand-up comedy prepared you at all for um dancing and i was like you know it has because

07:50i've faced a lot of rejection i um i've had a lot of rough sets and i said rough sets as in sets that

07:57i have a set tonight i have a set tomorrow at the punchline it's a comic word but i said rough sets

08:03and the whole crowd laughed and i go what did i say that was i didn't even know and then tom goes

08:08oh oh uh i don't think she meant that and i go and then i leaned into it i go oh i've had both

08:13and then i was voted off the next night and i want i want to say it was maybe because of that joke

08:21they were like we can't she's a liability to keep around with her foul dirty mouth

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