Peep Show: James the Dildo Consultant

Beasley Digital

Dave & Chuck the Freak talk about a man who was caught stealing a dildo from a sex shop and think James could have a successful business as a dildo consultant.

Transcript

00:00If you're stealing electronics, and I am, you may not care if it's new in the box or

00:13if it's the store model, but what about if it's a sex toy?

00:18A dude in Australia was caught on a surveillance camera stealing from an adult store.

00:24The owner says he picked up a box, saw the $142 price tag, and put it down.

00:35The item was a very big dildo.

00:40Goes with a hefty price.

00:42Yeah, it does.

00:43But then he grabbed a tester version that was sitting out, shoved it in his pocket, and walked away.

00:52Tester version?

00:53Well, you don't think you could actually test it.

00:58Tester version?

00:58But you know what I mean.

00:59It's a display model.

01:00They have a mouth there where you can touch it and see, oh, it does actually feel like a real skin.

01:04Yeah.

01:05Oh, look how strong the suction cup is.

01:06Oh, look at what he liked, huh?

01:08You're that desperate for anal play, you're going to steal it?

01:12I guess to me, it's probably a money thing.

01:17But generally, if you have a satchel like that, I'm sure he could have afforded it.

01:24Yeah, probably.

01:25So is it an embarrassment thing?

01:27It's $142 that day.

01:28Is it an embarrassment?

01:30I think he just wanted to save the money.

01:32Yeah, I think so.

01:33He managed to get out of the store without being caught, but now the cops have this video and

01:38they're looking for him.

01:39The owner said the guy must have thought the floor model was easier to steal than the one

01:43in the box, but he said hygienic-wise, stealing a tester wouldn't be my first choice.

01:48You throw it in the dishwasher, you're good to go.

01:50Yep.

01:51Throw it in the dishwasher a couple times and give it a, you know, sit right on it.

01:55Sit right on it.

01:57Never used, but of course touched by a lot of people.

02:00Yeah.

02:01Oh yeah, look, they have all of them out there.

02:05Yeah, I would have made a different choice.

02:09I'll let you go in there and play Goldilocks with their dildos.

02:12I guess, though.

02:13I mean, he wanted the biggest one.

02:15I'll just say that.

02:16Usually when you're in one of those stores, too, they're there for you to where you can

02:20touch them, but they're also attached to a wire string to where you can only get them

02:24so far.

02:24Yeah.

02:25Almost the way that old iPhone stores used to have it.

02:28Like they use the same, the same.

02:30Like a pen at the bank?

02:31Yeah.

02:32It's on a chain?

02:33Yeah.

02:33That kind of thing?

02:34Yeah.

02:35Those are pretty high end, man.

02:37Well, I guess that's what I'm saying.

02:38I'm surprised they have so many just sitting out there out of the box.

02:40Well, the one that he has is like, from what I've seen, it's a huge, like, anatomically

02:47correct penis.

02:48Yes.

02:49With a big suction cup.

02:50Yeah.

02:50But it's like.

02:51That is the scientific.

02:52Yeah.

02:52Maybe Andre the Giant's dong.

02:54Yeah.

02:55It's huge.

02:56Or Dave's.

02:57So, James, you believe they're testing, like, the feel of it?

03:02Yeah.

03:02So you get a feel for what it feels like.

03:04So you have an idea what the size is.

03:06If it vibrates, usually you're able to, like, test the different vibrating functions.

03:11You know?

03:12As close as you can get to trying it before you buy it.

03:14Yeah.

03:15That's what they try to give you.

03:17Hold it up to you.

03:18Yeah.

03:18You know?

03:19You want to make sure.

03:20I never thought of that.

03:20It's going to do the job, you know?

03:22I guess.

03:22Because if you drop it at $142, you don't want to drop $142 and realize, oh, this is

03:27not big enough for my hole.

03:28Because there's no.

03:29Yeah.

03:29Wow.

03:30Yes.

03:30Wow.

03:31Yeah.

03:31It's so funny that, James, you're our dildo expert on the show.

03:34He is, man.

03:34Because you always refer to him.

03:36I'm just thinking, like, why don't you own a store or something, a dildo store?

03:40Because I do better making appearances at them and getting people to come in and buy

03:44them.

03:44That's how you get all your knowledge.

03:45That's how I get all my knowledge.

03:46Do you imagine James doing customer service at the dildo store if anything went wrong?

03:50I can.

03:51He just whipped dildos and people?

03:52Yeah, no.

03:53If stuff went wrong, I'd be the shoplifter to death with the American Challenge, man.

03:57Oh, yeah, he would.

03:58That swing damn bad boy.

03:59If a Karen came in and asked to speak to the manager.

04:02This thing stopped working after four hours.

04:04Oh, let's see what you think about this.

04:05This is weird, bitch.

04:07A strawberry flavor.

04:08It's our worst seller.

04:11I hate strawberries.

04:12You come back in, you're going to whip you with some anal beads.

04:14Oh, no.

04:15He'd be dragged out of there in cuffs once a week.

04:18That's true.

04:18I've often thought that if the news had dildo situations going on, they should have James

04:24on as the expert.

04:25I'd love to be consulted as a dildo expert.

04:27Oh, my God.

04:28Incredible.

04:28I would just put it on a resume.

04:31Give business cards to me.

04:33Just put it on LinkedIn, and then CNN is like, oh, my God, did you hear he was attacked

04:39by a giant dildo?

04:40We need to find a dildo.

04:41Quick, look up a dildo expert.

04:43Oh, my God, there is one.

04:44I prefer to be referred to as a dildo connoisseur.

04:47It's classier.

04:48Yeah.

04:50There you go.

04:51Dildo connoisseur.

04:52Yeah, but I would never recommend James get into that line of work.

04:54No, no, no.

04:55I didn't think it through.

04:56Because you got to deal with a lot of people, and sometimes James...

04:59I won't even tell you what I do to a pervert who's manhandling one of my sex dolls.

05:02Yeah.

05:03But I would say, if I was going to start my own, I'd bring him in as a dildo consultant.

05:08Oh, yeah.

05:08Consultant.

05:09Oh, yeah.

05:09I'd be like, listen, you got to let me know what I need to stock here.

05:12Oh, I love that.

05:13Consultant.

05:14Oh, yeah.

05:14Consultant's a good word.

05:16Because they don't do any work, really, right?

05:18No, but they know their stuff.

05:19We work with many of them.

05:19They get paid like twice a month.

05:21Yeah, right?

05:22That's what you need.

05:23It's a dildo consultant.

05:24That's the perfect job for me.

05:25Yep.

05:26Would recommend in this neighborhood.

05:27Have you guys ever thought of doing something like Jerry Seinfeld does?

05:33Why don't we sit down and watch this episode of Seinfeld?

05:39Consultant talk right there.

05:41That was.

05:41That's real.

05:42That's legitimate.

05:43This guy said, I'll correct you.

05:45I'm a dude.

05:47I've used one of those rabbits on myself.

05:50It is nice.

05:50It tickles your taint.

05:52Oh, okay.

05:53I see.

05:53Thanks for chiming in.

05:54I see.

05:54Thanks for your text.

05:55I just would have thought I would have been a bit wasted on a guy.

05:59A crazy visual of a dude just with his ankles up to his ears and his hands.

06:03Wow.

06:05Consultant.

06:05He knows.

06:06He's the human pleasure pretzel.

06:09Pleasure pretzel.

06:10Yeah.

06:11He knows.

06:12There you go.

06:12Look for James Dildo Consulting to come soon.

06:16Incredible.

06:18Love the wording of that, Dave.

06:19Yeah.

06:20Hi, James.

06:21I'm trying to figure out what I should use.

06:24Arrive suit.

06:24Amazing.

06:26Dildo Hotline.

06:27Dildo Hotline.

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