This Cooking Move From Dana Might Be The Single Most Revolting, Preposterous Thing I've Ever Seen In A Kitchen

Barstool Sports

Francis | Francis Ellis

Transcript

00:00Mr. Beers. Hey

00:01What's cooking decent-looking?

00:04Honestly, not a whole lot these days. Well since the dawn of man, man has cooked. Cavemen.

00:11They did. Yeah, they fucking

00:14Put it over the fire. Yeah. Sure, if you're playing charades, I suppose that might be a decent way to indicate. Spearfishing.

00:20That's what you meant by that? Yeah. Well, let me ask you something. On a given week,

00:24how many nights of the week would you say you eat a meal that is cooked?

00:30Versus one that is ordered or at a restaurant. At most one.

00:34You only cook one meal a week. Like if I'm trying to be somewhat healthy, two.

00:39How many nights a week do you go out to a restaurant? It's mostly delivery.

00:43So it's delivery. Or pickup. I'm a pickup guy. Oh. I call, I will talk to those people for 20 minutes.

00:49What are you ordering when you go pick up food or you have it delivered?

00:54It's either pizza or

00:56like a calzone.

00:58A calzone, for those of you at home who've never had one, is basically a football of pizza.

01:03I used to call and I knew the guy and I was with my ex-girlfriend from high school and I was embarrassed.

01:08So I would say, hey, can I get a Greek salad? And we had an agreement that a Greek salad meant a calzone.

01:13It's a bit like those

01:15famous things that happen in movies where

01:18someone has to indicate to the 911 operator that they're being held hostage without letting their captor know that they're letting 911 know.

01:25Yeah. What about pastas? Have you ever been doing pastas? That's the only thing I can make.

01:29Well, that's good to know because today we are going to have you do a little cooking.

01:34Yeah, baby. For an expert who goes by the Instagram handle, boy with no job, Ben Soffer.

01:41I follow him on Instagram. He makes delectable meals. Do you have any thoughts about what you want to cook?

01:46I think you should put your best foot forward and stay within your comfort zone here.

01:49I want to make my own mac and cheese. Ooh. Old Beardsy special. Yeah. Beer mac and cheese. That's a thing.

01:56Is it? Yeah. And then for some protein, some gains, let's make a medium rare steak.

02:02All right. Now, do you feel comfortable and confident in a kitchen? Absolutely not.

02:07Well, Ben and I will be on hand to make sure that no fires are

02:11burning too long.

02:13Well, I'm very excited. We've been on this journey of teaching me how to be an adult at 32 years old.

02:19I'm gonna be a dad someday. I can't be the dad that's ordering fucking Mickey D's every night.

02:24No, you can't be that dad. I can't. And a good way to help you

02:29become the dad that you want to be, which is one who's focused in cooking, is with the help of

02:35proper, wild, clean, all-day energy.

02:38This will get you through those pesky ingredient lists, those long

02:43shopping trips to the grocery store where you're following a list.

02:48Mmm.

02:50Thanks to proper, wild, clean, all-day energy. Let's go cook.

02:54All right, we're here with Ben Soffer, aka Boy With No Job,

02:58host of Good Guys podcast with Josh Peck. Great to be here. Good to meet you. Thank you for joining us.

03:04We could think of no better person today to teach our idiot, Dana, on how to

03:09navigate a kitchen and create a decent meal. Look, I'm pretty optimistic.

03:12These are not difficult things here, and if he's gonna fuck these up, then there's honestly no hope.

03:16I think you'd be surprised at how

03:19easily he can fail. So I want you to

03:23sort of navigate and watch him as he's cooking. Okay. Give him a few pointers if you want, and then at the end

03:29we'll do a little taste test, and you can grade him on a couple different things that are part of the major cooking process.

03:35Let's say general preparation,

03:37the presentation,

03:39flash plating, taste. Great. All right, Dana, what are you preparing for us today? Beer mac and cheese, I think.

03:46I've never made beer mac and cheese. I've made mac and cheese, so like I assume...

03:51And I'm gonna make a steak. We got a nice little, if I were to guess, this is a ribeye.

03:57What is it? It probably says it on the... It's a strip steak. Yeah, this is a strip. Yeah, same thing.

04:02I'm gonna start off with the mac and cheese. We're gonna throw it in the oven, bake it for a little bit, and while we're

04:06baking, we're gonna put the steak on one of these suckers, I think.

04:10We have to start on

04:12the burner with the mac and cheese. Okay. To make the sauce, and then we'll transfer it into the dish and bake it.

04:18If you go milk in here and bake it, you're screwed. Well, I was gonna... All right.

04:22Yeah, you know what? First thing we're gonna do... Dana, don't, don't talk back to him.

04:28You're wrong. You're just wrong. I was gonna start by boiling the water. That's great. Yes. Why is it so... broil?

04:35Oh, boy.

04:37This is unlike any oven I've ever seen. It's a very standard oven.

04:42Oh, that was...

04:43Sanitary. Right off the bat, we're going to cut the pores.

04:48This cheese looks really good.

04:53Mix it!

04:56That's not enough butter, is it?

04:58Certainly enough... Oh, Dana! Oh, my God!

05:02Fuck! All right, we gotta start that over. Honestly, it's destroyed. Three minutes in. It's over. Irreversible damage.

05:09Oh, I forgot about the beer. Throw in the whole beer.

05:14Beer, flour, butter. This is looking a little bit like something. I mean, it smells... Does it taste like flour?

05:22It tastes overwhelmingly like flour. Overwhelmingly like flour.

05:25So maybe we throw in water? Just not even thinking about what proportions you're doing.

05:33Well done. Oh, my God.

05:36I'm sweating. I don't know how people do this. And your pasta is raw. There we go. That is raw. Is it? Yes.

05:42You can tell by the way it looks. How crunchy is that?

05:46Like a little bit of crunch? There shouldn't be crunch. It's pasta. Oh!

05:52What happened to using two spoons?

05:56Oh, there's chunks. Oh, my God.

05:59Ben, look at the bottom of this. It's like you made like a cheesecake.

06:05Look at that. It looks good. It's better.

06:12You're really good. You were good.

06:15Now you're bordering on overboard.

06:18He keeps trying to make everything into bread. No, stop! I don't want... Just stop! I don't want the sides to not have... Just stop it!

06:25That looks pretty freaking good. All right. We'll see.

06:30Good. Oh, Dana.

06:33This was a great mother-of-pearl spoon that Dana cleaning just cost. I'll buy a new one.

06:41Is that really expensive?

06:46Now on to the steak.

06:49What's the plan here? I think we just toss...

06:53No, we need oil. We don't need the oil.

06:56We generously go salt on each side, right? You can rub that in if you want.

07:01And then some pepper.

07:04Rub that in. Flip it.

07:09Salt and pepper.

07:16Wrap the sucker around like that. Well done. Check in on our mac and cheese. Looks the same.

07:24This is not going well so far, but thank God I got proper wild

07:28to keep me going. Give me the energy to hopefully do better in the second half.

07:33Why do we have to bring God into this?

07:35What is he doing?

07:44How does it look?

07:47A little more.

07:50All right, I think it's ready to be plated. You want to slice it? I could slice it.

07:57Right there. Beautiful. Always remember to turn the stove off. And always remember to hold your knife while doing it.

08:05That's pretty rare.

08:18Because it's hot as fuck.

08:25I'm not even going to have anybody eat that. That's cooked. How is it? Fine.

08:36Lacking any and all flavor? Tastes like just like nothing.

08:43I think that's a win for you. All right, we're gonna take out the mac and cheese now.

08:53Yum.

08:57Yeah. Good.

08:59That looks perfect. I've never seen someone handle steak with oven mitts.

09:05I don't know how this works.

09:09So just so we're clear, you don't measure flour, but you measure the finished product.

09:16That is exactly one cup of finished macaroni.

09:24This looks like my insides.

09:27Like this is like my loin. It does look like an organ. This is the heart.

09:33How's your mac and cheese? Baking soda.

09:36Okay. I haven't tried the sauce.

09:39It's not terrible. No, it's bad. I've 100% had worse

09:45macaroni and cheese. Totally. Really? It's by no means good. Yeah, no. But I'm not throwing up. No. Inedible.

09:52It's fine. If someone served that to me like in the Superdome in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina at an aid station,

10:00I would say we were lucky. And what about the steak? I'm worried about it.

10:06I mean that to me looks like trouble. This looks like you'd get sick.

10:11It looks like something you'd give your Huskies during the Iditarod. If you hated them. Yeah.

10:16We took the most well-done piece that is still medium-rare on the side.

10:23It's rather chewy. It's not good. Which brings us to our grades. On preparation

10:30I will give you an F.

10:31You were not prepared. You were reckless with the flour. It was downhill from there.

10:37We knew that steak was gonna taste like shit because the mac and cheese just was ruined from the get-go.

10:42Never gave yourself a chance.

10:44Execution, yeah. I would say that with our help, this got to a bad meal.

10:52Without our help, this would have been a catastrophe.

10:56Like a full-blown

10:58flour noodle

11:00catastrophe.

11:01So execution with us, a C. Without us, an F.

11:07Would you agree? Yes. Yeah.

11:10Plating, I would say would have been nice for you to cut our steak. He kind of gave us like whole raw loins.

11:16Just like, did you want me to just like pick it up?

11:19And let's just not forget that his measuring was with his teeth in the beginning on the butter. The steak plating,

11:25an F.

11:27The macaroni plating, a C. Alright, so a D. A D. Yeah, total. Okay, and overall taste? F.

11:35This is

11:37absolute slop.

11:39This should be an amazing after three months in Auschwitz meal.

11:44Like, I'm in the camps. I'm bone-thin. I got this. I'm chowing down.

11:50Alright, thanks. Well done.

11:53I appreciate it. Thanks, guys.

11:55Well done. Thank you. Great job.

11:56This has been Dana Cooks with all the help from Ben Soffer, aka

12:01Boy With No Job. You can find him at Good Guys Podcast.

12:05And thanks very much to Proper Wild Clean All Day Energy for helping us gag down this absolutely horrific meal that Dana prepared.

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