- 5.7.2025
1989 Horror Comedy
Kategorie
🎥
KurzfilmeTranskript
00:00:00TINOR
00:00:04TINOR
00:00:08TINOR
00:00:14TINOR
00:00:16Oh, my God.
00:00:46Oh, my God.
00:01:16Oh, my God.
00:01:46Oh, my God.
00:02:15Oh, my God.
00:02:45Oh, my God.
00:03:15Oh, my God.
00:03:45Oh, my God.
00:04:15Oh, my God.
00:04:45Oh, my God.
00:05:15Oh, my God.
00:05:17Oh, my God.
00:05:19Oh, my God.
00:05:21Oh, my God.
00:05:23Oh, my God.
00:05:25Oh, my God.
00:05:27Oh, my God.
00:05:29Oh, my God.
00:05:31Oh, my God.
00:05:33Oh, my God.
00:05:35Oh, my God.
00:05:37Oh, my God.
00:05:39Oh, my God.
00:05:41Oh, my God.
00:05:43Oh, my God.
00:05:45Oh, my God.
00:05:47Oh, my God.
00:05:49Oh, my God.
00:05:55Oh, my God.
00:05:57Oh, my God.
00:05:59Oh, my God.
00:06:01Mortuary, crematorium, and cemetery all-in-one convenient location.
00:06:05And friends, remember, you can't take it with you,
00:06:07so you might as well spend it here at Death City,
00:06:11where we put the fun back in funerals.
00:06:14And I'll stand in my head to bury your dead.
00:06:16And now, let's get back to our movies,
00:06:18The Vampire DJs from Hell.
00:06:31Excuse me, is this the service for Ephraim Ward?
00:06:57Indeed, sir. Are you related to the deceased?
00:06:59Well, as far as I know, I'm his only living relative.
00:07:02My name is Dexter Ward.
00:07:04Oh, of course, Mr. Ward.
00:07:05I spoke to you on the phone when you made the arrangement.
00:07:07Right.
00:07:08We've opened the casket to let the bereaved may pay their last respects.
00:07:11Goodbye, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:35The book, the book of Althar.
00:07:47You must find it.
00:07:49It alone has the power to summon forth the evil one.
00:07:56What am I doing here?
00:07:58You're dead, Uncle Ephraim.
00:07:59Like hell I am.
00:08:01Get me out of this goddamn thing.
00:08:05What stupid son of a bitch pronounced me dead?
00:08:08I believe it was Dr. Malloy.
00:08:10That quack in this cheap jack place didn't even bother to embalm me.
00:08:14Help me.
00:08:15Help me.
00:08:16Help me.
00:08:17Dear me.
00:08:18This was rather unexpected.
00:08:21You can all go home.
00:08:23I'm not dead.
00:08:25Dexter, my boy, give me your arm.
00:08:28Get out of here, you miserable toadies.
00:08:31Phony bastards never saw one of them before in my life.
00:08:38You're looking much better since the funeral, Uncle Ephraim.
00:08:40You know, I think death agrees with you.
00:08:41Dexter, you're the only person who seems genuinely happy I'm still alive.
00:08:46Well, remember what they said about that condition of yours.
00:08:48You sure it's such a good idea returning to work this soon?
00:08:51Oh, my boy, this library is my life.
00:08:54For 40 years, I've been responsible for the world's largest collection of books on witchcraft and the black arts.
00:09:00That's what I call job security.
00:09:02Dexter, have you ever heard of the book of Ulthar?
00:09:05Nope.
00:09:06Ulthar was a sorcerer at a time before history when all the world was in darkness and chaos prevailed.
00:09:13Oh, yeah, I remember the Reagan administration.
00:09:15No, no, it was the reign of the evil one, an elder god that once walked the earth.
00:09:22Ulthar cast a spell which banished this unearthly creature to the eternal void beyond time and space.
00:09:29Yeah, I spent a weekend there once.
00:09:32You may scoff, but many authorities believe that the evil one has been waiting these countless eons for the counter spell that would free it from its astral exile.
00:09:42Yeah, I know, and once again, we'll all be down the crapper.
00:09:45Correct.
00:09:46Ulthar placed all his mystic incantations in one volume, which has been carefully guarded throughout the ages.
00:09:53Then, twenty years ago, I made a tragic error.
00:10:01I lent the book out.
00:10:03Isn't that what libraries are supposed to do?
00:10:05Not with such a priceless volume.
00:10:07The culprit's name was Marinus Orlok.
00:10:11His academic credentials were impeccable.
00:10:14And a few days later, he simply vanished with my book.
00:10:19For two decades, I vainly attempted to find some trace of him.
00:10:23Then, finally, just recently, I unearthed a clue.
00:10:28A daughter living in Los Angeles.
00:10:30I was about to contact her when I had my attack.
00:10:34I had a feeling this was all leading someplace.
00:10:36You've been like a son to me, Dexter.
00:10:38I know it's a great favor to ask, but...
00:10:41Hey, don't, don't, don't.
00:10:42You know, I owe you more than I could ever repay.
00:10:44You give me that address, I'll find that book.
00:10:46Orlok's daughter is named Marissa.
00:10:49Marissa.
00:10:50You can contact her here.
00:10:53All right, everybody.
00:10:54Quiet with picture.
00:11:11I don't like scap-alactic.
00:11:13I don't play chess.
00:11:15I'm just not used to second best.
00:11:17I don't watch real abortion or meet the press.
00:11:23I'm not the kind who gets depressed.
00:11:26Just give me action.
00:11:30Your love is the attraction.
00:11:34It's pure satisfaction.
00:11:37I don't mind blasting out of here.
00:11:52Screw gun control.
00:11:54I want some fun before I get old.
00:11:58I don't mind causing accidents.
00:12:00I'm on a roll.
00:12:02Who cares if I'm on parole?
00:12:04Just give me action.
00:12:09Your love keeps me in traction.
00:12:13It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:17It's...
00:12:18Let's start a revolution.
00:12:27Let's start a revolution.
00:12:27Call in John Wayne.
00:12:29Your love is driving me insane.
00:12:33Let's storm a foreign missile base.
00:12:35Start World War III.
00:12:37Knock off the Ayatollah for me.
00:12:40Just give me action.
00:12:45Your love is the attraction.
00:12:48It's pure satisfaction.
00:12:53It's...
00:12:54Come on and give me a little action, will you?
00:13:02Cut!
00:13:14Woo!
00:13:15That was beautiful, Marissa.
00:13:18Is everything all right?
00:13:20Babe, they only make one word to describe your performance.
00:13:22Simply sensational.
00:13:23That's two words.
00:13:24Right.
00:13:25Right now, I predict that song's gonna win a granny.
00:13:27That's granny.
00:13:28No, dearie.
00:13:29He meant granny.
00:13:30Here you go, Chief.
00:13:33Okay, everybody.
00:13:34It's a wrap.
00:13:39Pardon me.
00:13:40Pardon me.
00:13:40You're Marissa Orlach, right?
00:13:42How did you know my last name?
00:13:43Maybe my press agent knows that.
00:13:45I'm Dexter Ward.
00:13:46I've been tracking you down all over L.A.
00:13:48Hey, look.
00:13:49I love my fans, but don't let it get out of control, okay?
00:13:51No, you don't understand.
00:13:53See, I want to talk to you about your father, Marinus.
00:13:55What about my father?
00:13:57Well, you see my Uncle Ephraim?
00:13:58He's got...
00:13:59Wait.
00:13:59We can talk in here.
00:14:00It's private.
00:14:06Hey.
00:14:08Hey.
00:14:08This is the center of the last drive.
00:14:11It's where they used to film all those old sitcoms.
00:14:15Now, what information do you have about my father?
00:14:17Oh, well, not much, I'm afraid.
00:14:19Apparently, sometime in the late 60s, your father borrowed a one-of-a-kind volume from the Arkham Public Library, the Book of Althar.
00:14:26Now, supposedly, when translated, this book could open up a doorway to another dimension.
00:14:31What was that?
00:14:33It was one of those old laugh track machines.
00:14:36They used to use it on all these shows.
00:14:39Who's operating it?
00:14:40No one.
00:14:40I think they just forgot to turn it off.
00:14:42But don't worry.
00:14:42It's programmed to laugh at anything.
00:14:45See what I mean?
00:14:47Well, where was I?
00:14:49Oh, yeah.
00:14:50Anyway, my Uncle Ephraim is the head librarian at Arkham, and he's a little eager to have this particular book returned.
00:14:56So, I was kind of hoping you could give me a current address on your father.
00:15:00Oh, I was hoping you could give me one.
00:15:02See, my father left when I was quite young.
00:15:04He arranged a Swiss bank account for our support, but neither my mother or I have heard from him in, like, nearly 20 years.
00:15:11And I'd give anything to see him again.
00:15:14Hey, that's not funny.
00:15:17Look, I'm sorry we had to meet under these circumstances.
00:15:21I, uh, I won't bother you anymore.
00:15:22Holy, Captain Video, you must be characters from the future.
00:15:30Let's see, this is where the plot thickens.
00:15:34Telegram, uh, telegram for Marissa Orlach.
00:15:36Oh, I'm Marissa Orlach.
00:15:37Yeah, well, this must be...
00:15:39Will you come on?
00:15:48What a crouch.
00:15:49Oh, it's from Victor Van Helsing.
00:15:54I don't know anybody by that name.
00:15:57Come immediately to Castle Orlach in Transylvania.
00:16:04No.
00:16:05My father just died.
00:16:16And how painful this must be for you, I'm going to call the travel agency.
00:16:22Reserve tickets for two.
00:16:23Two.
00:16:24For Transylvania.
00:16:25Ladies and gentlemen, we are now beginning of this end in Transylvania.
00:16:39Please fasten your seatbelts and extinguish all portes.
00:16:42Thank you for flying Transylvania Airlines.
00:16:47The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of coffins.
00:16:54There is no dying in the red zone.
00:16:56And, at the signpost up ahead, the twilight zone.
00:17:01Oh, it's beautiful here.
00:17:04Now what do we do?
00:17:06Well, according to the telegram, we'll go straight to Hemsworth.
00:17:08There's a small village just west of here.
00:17:11Got any neat ideas on how to get there?
00:17:13Nope.
00:17:14Okay.
00:17:19I could live here.
00:17:24Taxi!
00:17:26I'm not sure.
00:17:27We're trying to get to Hemsworth.
00:17:29Look, lady, either want a taxi or you don't want a taxi.
00:17:32There's no skin off my ass.
00:17:33You're the way.
00:17:34You're in there, kid.
00:17:35You got it, baby.
00:17:36Maxi Field.
00:17:37Big Apple Cab Company.
00:17:39Oh.
00:17:39What are you doing here?
00:17:40Can I help her if they give me a bad area?
00:17:43So, hey, I'm not taking a bad deal for my health.
00:17:45You want a ride or not?
00:17:46You got it.
00:17:47Can you take us to Hemsworth?
00:17:49I don't usually have to go into that area after dark, but, uh...
00:17:52Hey, affair's affair, right?
00:17:54You know what I mean?
00:17:55Hop in.
00:18:03Those redcaps, it'll look too well.
00:18:07Yeah, there's zombies.
00:18:09Forget about them.
00:18:10You get used to...
00:18:11What?
00:18:12The walking's dead?
00:18:13Hey, New York, you got your junkies.
00:18:15Here, you got your zombies.
00:18:17What's the difference?
00:18:18They all look like Keith Richards anyway.
00:18:20They don't look particularly efficient.
00:18:25Yeah, they're dead.
00:18:26They're all messed up.
00:18:27Nice scenery around here.
00:18:41Hey, folks?
00:18:41You got your misshrouded moors, your bleak forest, desolate graveyards.
00:18:46Great place for picnics.
00:18:48You know, you didn't have to come.
00:18:49If I found the book of author, I could have just sent it to you.
00:18:52Well, you know, you don't mind me being here, do you?
00:18:55No.
00:18:55It's nice to have company, especially in a place like this.
00:19:00Ah, who knows?
00:19:01Maybe they'll put up at Disneyland here someday.
00:19:03Yeah, I could see it all now.
00:19:05Vampires of the Caribbean, right over there someplace.
00:19:09Hey, did you say that you were a librarian?
00:19:11No, no, no.
00:19:12My uncle's a librarian.
00:19:13I'm just helping him out during some of our vacations.
00:19:14I'm studying pre-med at Arkham University.
00:19:17I was going to be a lawyer, but I couldn't stand a sight of blood.
00:19:20I never finished high school.
00:19:22Oh, really?
00:19:24Uh, despite graduating from high school,
00:19:26Marissa's recording career prevented her from pursuing a higher education.
00:19:30I'm doing a little research.
00:19:33Well, at least that much is true.
00:19:36Well, wait a minute.
00:19:37Describe your perfect mate.
00:19:38Yeah, here we go.
00:19:39Tall, handsome, great sense of humor.
00:19:41Ooh, you sound like anybody you know?
00:19:42Eh, one out of three ain't bad.
00:19:48Sorry about the bumps.
00:19:50We got better roads in the Bronx.
00:19:52And I still don't understand what a New York cabbie is doing in a place like this.
00:19:56You talking to me?
00:19:57Nobody else here.
00:19:58Must be talking to me.
00:20:00I wanted to get out of the city.
00:20:01Big mistake.
00:20:03You can't even find a decent piece of pizza in this whole damn country.
00:20:08I'll bite.
00:20:09Oh, thanks.
00:20:12You know, we don't seem to be getting the media coverage off what we would.
00:20:32You missed the point, Mr. Mole.
00:20:34Well, we'd be stopping any unauthorized grave robbers from sneaking in and nipping the old gentleman inside.
00:20:40Aye.
00:20:41And selling him to those medical chaps for a measly ten bob.
00:20:44Ten bob doesn't sound so bad here and now.
00:20:47We could buy another bottle.
00:20:48Help us keep warm.
00:20:50Oh, that we could, Mr. Sweeney.
00:20:52That we...
00:20:53Be he's suggesting we cross our own picket line.
00:20:55Aye.
00:20:55That I be, Mr. Mole.
00:20:57Did you bring your tools with you?
00:20:59Would a good union man be without his tools or trade?
00:21:02Always a pleasure to see a professional at work, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:13Why, thank you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:16You've got these bloody alarms on everything these days.
00:21:21Off to you, Mr. Mole.
00:21:23Off to you, Mr. Sweeney.
00:21:25What do you think of it?
00:21:28We'd be saving him from being smashed by someone who ain't in our unit.
00:21:39I'm sure he'd be appreciating that fact, Mr. Mole.
00:21:43No!
00:21:47Turn around!
00:21:48Oh, no!
00:21:49Oh, no!
00:21:50No!
00:21:51Oh, no!
00:22:12Oh, my God!
00:22:13Oh, no!
00:22:15Oh, I don't want to go away.
00:22:19Thank God.
00:22:49Thank God, Governor.
00:22:52Thank God I got him before dinner.
00:23:19Oh, this place looks worse than an Italian belly.
00:23:30Pardon me. Pardon me.
00:23:32Here's a lovely place you got here, but, um, how can you afford all this garlic?
00:23:36Excuse me. Excuse me.
00:23:46Um, can somebody tell us how to get to Castle Orlok?
00:23:50I don't think they've heard of it.
00:24:06Perhaps I can help you. I am the chief constant.
00:24:10Oh, hello there. My name is Dexter Ward.
00:24:12Hans Hopp.
00:24:14No, no, that's my name.
00:24:16Oh, I see. Hopp. Hans Hopp.
00:24:18Correct. Now, hands down.
00:24:20Yes, what do you say?
00:24:21I'm not talking to you, Hans. I'm talking to Hans.
00:24:24That's Hans Down, our local undertaker.
00:24:27Constable, with all these similar names, you must have your hands full.
00:24:30Yes.
00:24:31Knew it.
00:24:32Well, perhaps you can help us, Constable Hopp.
00:24:37Perhaps.
00:24:38What would be your business at Castle Orlok?
00:24:41Well, you see, my name is Marissa Orlok, and my late father lived there.
00:24:46Oh!
00:24:47Somehow I don't think Dad was the president of the local Kiwanis Club.
00:24:51Oh, stop it.
00:24:52You don't mean to say you're Marinas Orlok's daughter.
00:24:56Yes.
00:24:57Yes, you don't mean to say it?
00:24:58No, I do mean to say it.
00:25:00Let me rephrase this.
00:25:01Are you not Marinas Orlok's daughter?
00:25:03Yes.
00:25:04Yes, you're not.
00:25:05No, yes, I am.
00:25:06Yeah.
00:25:07You can put it another way.
00:25:08Well, it's like this simple.
00:25:09This is Marissa Orlok.
00:25:10I'm Dexter Ward.
00:25:11We're looking for Castle Orlok.
00:25:13And we're all here to play Super Password.
00:25:16Young lady, I seriously suggest that you stay away from the castle.
00:25:21It has been boarded up since your father's death.
00:25:25There's no one up there now.
00:25:27At least, no one.
00:25:31Alive.
00:25:36Who's playing that rock?
00:25:38Well, that's nonsense.
00:25:40I received a telegram stating that my Uncle Byron had already arrived there.
00:25:44He's back.
00:25:46Byron Orlok is back.
00:25:48Now no one will be safe.
00:25:49Not our wives, our children, our mistresses.
00:25:52Hey, these are coming in on the new train.
00:25:55Hey, wait a minute.
00:25:57I'm in the wrong movie.
00:25:59You're not telling me that Byron Orlok is back.
00:26:02Oh, no, wait a minute.
00:26:03Don't start that again.
00:26:05What's wrong with everybody?
00:26:07Wrong?
00:26:08Nothing is wrong, young man.
00:26:10You must make allowances.
00:26:12These are but superstitious peasants, afraid of their own shadows.
00:26:16There is much to fear in the shadows, and even more to fear from vampires.
00:26:31There were legends many years ago, but fairy tales to frighten children.
00:26:47Tell me, constable, where do legends end and facts begin?
00:26:50What is the shadowy boundary between science and superstition, and how can you tell the
00:26:55groom at a Polish wedding?
00:26:57I'm afraid you have made a loss.
00:26:59Aha.
00:27:00I thought as much.
00:27:02You are Marissa Orlok?
00:27:03Yes.
00:27:04I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:05It was I who sent you that telegram, my car.
00:27:08For a good time call, Victor Van Helsing.
00:27:12Vampire hunter.
00:27:14I don't understand.
00:27:15I've been awaiting your arrival.
00:27:16You may share my coach.
00:27:18Oh, wait, wait.
00:27:18Wait, wait.
00:27:20Wait, my son.
00:27:23I once had a boy just like you.
00:27:26Here, take this.
00:27:27It will protect you from evil.
00:27:29Thanks.
00:27:31Wait a minute, buddy.
00:27:32That'll be a buck seventy-five.
00:27:34Oh, man.
00:27:42You know my father?
00:27:45Maronis and I were colleagues many years ago.
00:27:48Then something happened and I never saw him again.
00:27:51A few days ago, I learned that he had died and I had been named executive of the estate.
00:27:54And that's when you contacted me?
00:27:55Correct.
00:27:56You and your uncle are the only two known living heirs.
00:27:59I believe Lord Byron and his family are already at the castle.
00:28:02Come.
00:28:02Okay.
00:28:06Dexter, what took you so long?
00:28:08The old lady in the gift shop, if you must know.
00:28:11There.
00:28:11This might come in handy.
00:28:13Does this name a guy's daddy?
00:28:16Drive home.
00:28:17I don't care what you're doing.
00:28:47What anyone says.
00:28:49This hurts.
00:28:50Are you really a vampire hunter?
00:29:07Is that card some kind of joke?
00:29:09Young lady, I never joke about vampires.
00:29:14No, no, wait.
00:29:15Are we talking about furry flying bats?
00:29:17We are speaking of the undead.
00:29:19Undead?
00:29:20What do you mean, not alive?
00:29:21They are neither dead nor alive.
00:29:23Sounds like my agent.
00:29:24I am referring to the evil spirits who inhabit the bodies of the deceased.
00:29:28They rise from their coffins to feed upon the blood of the living.
00:29:31That's my agent, all right.
00:29:33I've made the eradication of these creatures my life's work.
00:29:35So, there's a lot of money in this stuff?
00:29:37I was always encouraged to uphold the family tradition, even as a child.
00:29:40Victor, what's happening?
00:29:43I don't know.
00:29:43Either the projectionist is falling asleep or Van Helsing's having a flashback.
00:29:47Oh.
00:29:52Merry Christmas, young Victor.
00:29:54Thanks, Dad.
00:30:03This is just what I wanted.
00:30:05Of course, vampire hunting has its moments of tension, even for a small boy.
00:30:11Victor.
00:30:12Victor Van Helsing.
00:30:14Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:16Are you responsible for that?
00:30:19Yes, Mrs. Caldwell?
00:30:25Bring it here.
00:30:26Yes.
00:30:33Now, I want you to write on the blackboard.
00:30:36I will not stake vampires in glass.
00:30:39And I want you to do it 50 times.
00:30:42Another flashback?
00:30:44Don't worry.
00:30:44I think it's the last one.
00:30:45Oh, good.
00:30:46Gosh, Betty Lou, I really like you.
00:30:49And I really like you, Victor.
00:30:52You're not like the other girls.
00:30:54I was wondering when you'd get around to noticing that.
00:30:57Somehow, you're more mature than the others.
00:30:59Well, I am 19.
00:31:0119?
00:31:02But that's not old.
00:31:041,900.
00:31:06That's old.
00:31:09Perhaps we ought to start back home.
00:31:12It is getting rather late.
00:31:13Later than you think, Victor.
00:31:14Please, no hickeys.
00:31:17Don't worry, Victor.
00:31:18I'll still respect you in the morning.
00:31:20I think we both need a drape first.
00:31:24Perhaps you're right.
00:31:25It may help to warm our blood.
00:31:28Ladies first.
00:31:29Holy water.
00:31:46Don't leave home without it.
00:31:49From that time onward, I've dedicated my life to scourging the earth of this evil.
00:31:53Wow, they really do exist.
00:31:56I assure you, they exist.
00:31:58In fact, there's been a recent epidemic of vampirism in this vicinity.
00:32:01I destroyed one such creature before you arrived this evening.
00:32:04Maybe you could mail me that book.
00:32:07You two have nothing to fear while under my protection.
00:32:10I may be kindly Dr. Van Helsing to you.
00:32:12But to the undead, I am the son of Sam.
00:32:17Frightened?
00:32:18Me?
00:32:19You don't really expect me to swallow that, do you?
00:32:21I swallowed it.
00:32:22Hey, come on, Miss Maris.
00:32:24We're riding here in a beautiful, colorful countryside, being pulled by a horse-drawn carriage.
00:32:29Moonlight.
00:32:30What could be more romantic?
00:32:32High noon on the Mojave Desert.
00:32:34Listen.
00:32:35The hills are alive with the sound of music.
00:32:37He's going to sing, folks.
00:32:41Time to hit that snack bar.
00:32:43Next, you're not going to sing.
00:32:45Uh-huh.
00:32:45But why throw a lighthearted song in at a time like this?
00:32:48Listen.
00:32:49Let me tell you all about it.
00:32:50Take one grand little melody.
00:32:54Write some cutesy lyrics and just paste them together now.
00:32:58Oh, wow.
00:32:59Think of the royalties I'm making.
00:33:04And in a bit, yeah, I'll have a hit this up.
00:33:13And you can bet I'll sell cassettes and CDs.
00:33:20Hey, there are some DJs.
00:33:23And this little song of mine will climb up the charts now.
00:33:27Oh, wow.
00:33:28Think of the royalties I'm making.
00:33:32Who cares if it's good or not?
00:33:37It doesn't matter, really.
00:33:41Kids will buy anything.
00:33:44Then charge it today.
00:33:47So, hey there, I've got a song here.
00:33:58Got some cutesy lyrics and I'll put them together now.
00:34:03Oh, wow.
00:34:04Think of the royalties I'm going to make.
00:34:08Do you get very many girls that way?
00:34:14No, but it kills three minutes.
00:34:16Castle Warlock just ahead.
00:34:18No, but it's good.
00:34:47All right, girls, it's party time.
00:35:17Whoop, whoop, whoop. Castle, lock everybody out. Hey. Oh man. Well, you're getting no tip from me. What's he feeding those horses? What frightened himself? It's as if a blind had settled over this land. Notice the singular lack of vegetation, the scarcity of animal life, the absence of major league sporting events. It's not much of a castle, really.
00:35:47I'm sure it's the best they can afford on the budget.
00:36:07Maybe it's bingo night. Perhaps they can't hear us. Don't be ridiculous. We're making enough noise to raise the dead.
00:36:15Yes. You must leave this place at once. Look, I assure you, we are not Jehovah's Witnesses. Lord Byron left strict instructions that he was to receive no visitors. Nonsense. I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, and I'm expected. And I'm Marissa Orlach, and I'm also expected. And you?
00:36:31I'm Dexter Ward. I'm along for the comedy relief. That's a matter of opinion. And what is your name, my good man? Stefan, sir. Well, Stefan, sir, I insist you show us inside. There. That's what it looks like. I meant escort us in. Very well. Let it be on your heads.
00:36:50Let what be on our heads. End.
00:36:53End.
00:37:05Good. Would you look at this place?
00:37:08You suppose your interior decorator is among the living? Ivan announced you to Lord Byron.
00:37:15I never met my uncle. As a matter of fact, I didn't even know I had one until I received a telegram.
00:37:26Well, I never met him either, but I understand he was the black sheep of the family. He was supposedly expelled from kindergarten for extreme brutality.
00:37:33Yeah, I think I went to school with him. According to Marinus, he banished Byron from the castle some time ago. Apparently, they had a violent disagreement over one particular book.
00:37:42A book? You don't have to recall the title, do you? My memory's not quite what it used to be, but it was either the Book of Ulthar or the latest Jackie Collins novel.
00:37:52Does anybody know what happened to it? I would imagine both volumes are somewhere still here in the castle.
00:37:57Did you hear that, Marissa? Marissa?
00:38:09Marissa, it's you. That's not me. I'm standing here. That's a painting of me. Must be an ancestor of mine. I wonder who she is.
00:38:18I don't know, but I doubt she had trouble finding a date on a Saturday night.
00:38:22Dexter, don't you know better than to put your hand on someone's shoulder in a spooky place like this?
00:38:27I'm sorry, I just wanted to show you something.
00:38:28Well, there are any number of ways of attracting one's attention.
00:38:31Damn, I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:32Come on, you gotta check this out. Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:38:34God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:38:38Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:38:42We want to give you a kiss. Yes, dear cousin.
00:38:49I hate cheap sharks like that.
00:38:51Come on, you've got to check this out.
00:38:53Marissa just discovered something that I...
00:38:55Oh, God, I dream of combinations like that.
00:39:05Marissa, come forward, dear cousin.
00:39:09We want to give you a kiss.
00:39:11Yes, dear cousin, come closer.
00:39:15I want to give you a big, wet, gooey one.
00:39:19Marissa, look out!
00:39:33Oh, my lord, I could have been killed.
00:39:36That chandelier's probably been hanging there over a hundred years.
00:39:39If the moment one of us steps underneath, it falls.
00:39:42I hardly remember staring at the portrait and then...
00:39:49Oh, look at me, they're your relatives.
00:39:53I see the chandelier as falling again.
00:39:57It always does that when we have guests.
00:40:00Lord Orlark?
00:40:06I am Byron Orlark.
00:40:09And you are welcome in my home.
00:40:12Yes, we've met your welcoming committee.
00:40:15Legally, the point of ownership has yet to be established.
00:40:18I'm Dr. Victor Van Helsing, executive of your brother's estate.
00:40:21Then you have Melanus's masterwork and testament.
00:40:25Along with specific instructions concerning his funeral arrangements.
00:40:30An honor, sir.
00:40:31And you are Marissa?
00:40:32Yes.
00:40:33The family resemblance is truly astonishing.
00:40:37My condolences to you at this time, my dear.
00:40:41But I don't seem to recognize this young man.
00:40:45This is Dexter Ward, Uncle Byron.
00:40:47He's a friend.
00:40:48Of anyone in particular?
00:40:50Or just generally well-liked?
00:40:55Lord Orlark, we were just remarking on the amazing similarity between Marissa and the lady in that portrait.
00:41:02Ah, yes.
00:41:04The first Marissa Orlark.
00:41:06You are her namesake, my dear.
00:41:08I was hoping to find out more about my father, Uncle Byron.
00:41:11Well, there's not very much to tell.
00:41:14There was always a great deal of animosity between us.
00:41:17Even as a child,
00:41:19Melanus disapproved of my torturing small animals.
00:41:25Come now.
00:41:27You've had a long and tiring journey, no doubt.
00:41:31Permit me to show you to your room.
00:41:33Did you and my father ever straighten out your differences?
00:41:39Even toward the end, we didn't get along particularly well.
00:41:43His last letter to me began,
00:41:46Dear Shithead.
00:41:48Sorry to hear that.
00:41:50You were born into a most remarkable family, my dear.
00:41:53These are but a few of our illustrious ancestors.
00:41:58This is Roderick Orlark.
00:42:01Thief, drug addict, professional assassin,
00:42:05and part-time used car sales.
00:42:07And this is Linole Orlark.
00:42:16Blackmailer.
00:42:18Harder.
00:42:20Murderous.
00:42:21And two-time president of the local PTA.
00:42:25She died
00:42:26in the madhouse.
00:42:29Is that hereditary?
00:42:29I'm sure this must be the best of the lot.
00:42:37Hans Orlark.
00:42:39Sodomist.
00:42:41Incest.
00:42:42Pedophile.
00:42:43And member of the Nixon administration.
00:42:51I wax nostalgia.
00:42:55Devon!
00:42:55Yes, my lord.
00:42:59Where'd he come from?
00:43:01Stefan automatically materializes whenever he's needed.
00:43:05I've never figured out quite how.
00:43:07Trade secret, my lord.
00:43:10Stefan.
00:43:11Gather their luggage
00:43:12and take it to their rooms.
00:43:15Yes, my lord.
00:43:18He dematerializes the same way.
00:43:22Totally perplexing.
00:43:25Come with me.
00:43:28You'll have a few hours to freshen up
00:43:29before the service.
00:43:31Services?
00:43:32For your father,
00:43:34Maronis Orlark's funeral
00:43:35will be here in Galenstair.
00:43:37Precisely.
00:43:38At midnight.
00:43:46And it is a commonly held misconception
00:43:48that the undead can transform themselves
00:43:50into bats.
00:43:50Pure nonsense.
00:43:51True, they can change into frogs,
00:43:53flounders, aardbarks, pelicans,
00:43:54baboons, and warthogs,
00:43:55but never bats.
00:43:57I say.
00:44:02Say you'll help me.
00:44:03I must leave this place.
00:44:04You're my only hope.
00:44:05Young woman, what seems to be the matter?
00:44:07It's Lord Orlark.
00:44:08He keeps me locked in this castle.
00:44:09He's taken everything away.
00:44:11My freedom.
00:44:13My vibrator.
00:44:14My traveler's checks.
00:44:16And I'll bet they weren't American Express.
00:44:18Oh, you must help me.
00:44:20You're my only hope.
00:44:21You must.
00:44:21There, there.
00:44:38Now, if I've told you once,
00:44:40I've told you a thousand times.
00:44:41No between-meal snacks.
00:44:46I go to your room.
00:44:48You're grounded.
00:44:54My apologies, Doctor.
00:44:56My daughter sometimes becomes overly agitated.
00:45:00You see, we do not get too many visitors to the castle.
00:45:03Difficult to imagine why.
00:45:06Lord Orlark.
00:45:07Hmm.
00:45:08You have something on your mouth.
00:45:13Ah.
00:45:14Too much ketchup on my french fries.
00:45:17Marissa?
00:45:36Marissa?
00:45:41How did I know?
00:45:42What is that?
00:45:59What is the meaning of this intrusion?
00:46:02I'm sorry.
00:46:02I'm looking for Marissa Orlark.
00:46:04Does that give you the right to burst into my room unannounced?
00:46:07No, no.
00:46:08And I apologize for it.
00:46:09Hey, wait a minute.
00:46:13You're Boris Karloff, aren't you?
00:46:16Yes.
00:46:16Sure, I just saw you in that movie with Jack Nicholson.
00:46:20The terror.
00:46:22Forgive me for reviving painful memories.
00:46:26I don't believe me.
00:46:28Nobody's seen or heard of you since 1969.
00:46:31For 20 years, I've lived here alone.
00:46:35You're kidding me.
00:46:37Jeez, that drives me crazy.
00:46:40You think I'm mad, don't you?
00:46:43No.
00:46:44No.
00:46:44Hey, I've only been here an hour in this spook house,
00:46:48and I'm already starting to go Looney Tunes.
00:46:50Ah.
00:46:52Perhaps we're both mad.
00:46:55Maybe.
00:46:57I gotta go, Boris.
00:47:00Try and get out, Boris.
00:47:01Oh, so that's how they made all those movies.
00:47:15Please.
00:47:15Oh, my God.
00:47:45Oh, my God.
00:48:15Hello?
00:48:17They're here.
00:48:24Oh, God.
00:48:26Well, no one ever said I was handsome, ma'am.
00:48:29What are you doing here?
00:48:30Merely standing here ominously, ma'am.
00:48:33Does that displease you?
00:48:35I didn't hear you come in.
00:48:36Don't you believe in announcing yourself?
00:48:38Oh, very well.
00:48:39Year seven.
00:48:42Well, what do you want, then?
00:48:44Oh, yes.
00:48:45Lord Byron sent me with some good news and some bad news.
00:48:49Oh, what's the bad news?
00:48:51Master Marinus is still dead.
00:48:54Well, what's the good news?
00:48:55There is no good news, ma'am.
00:49:00Oh, come, Melissa.
00:49:28I would like you to meet my family.
00:49:33These are my adopted daughters, Patti, Maxine, and Laverne.
00:49:43We've met.
00:49:44And now, for a final tribute to Marinus.
00:49:49Stéphane will play his favorite musical recording.
00:49:53Hit it.
00:49:54We've met.
00:50:07We've met.
00:50:11It's an old friend.
00:50:41Now, if the doctor and your young friend will assist Stefan and I, we'll take the coffin below.
00:50:50Below?
00:50:51Yes, all the orlocks are interred in the family crypt beneath the castle.
00:50:58Where else?
00:51:04I don't like this.
00:51:11What's that?
00:51:19A rubber bat.
00:51:21We keep them down here for atmosphere.
00:51:24Put it up, Eagle.
00:51:25Hey, what's that noise?
00:51:30Rubber rats, no doubt.
00:51:32No, it's coming from inside the coffin.
00:51:35Muscular contractions.
00:51:37Not uncommon after death.
00:51:39Muscular contractions?
00:51:41This guy's doing the chain found a workout in here.
00:51:44Allow me to assure you, Marinus Orlach is dead.
00:51:48Oh, you've assured me, and I want you to try convincing him.
00:51:52As I was saying, Marinus has taken his place with the rest of our family.
00:51:57And now I await my turn to share their endless nights of eternal darkness.
00:52:06Gee, it's a little like looking forward to Christmas, isn't it?
00:52:08Now, in accordance with your father's last wish, we shall view the will.
00:52:16View?
00:52:17Apparently, Marinus videotaped his last will and testament.
00:52:20I suppose you might call it the late show.
00:52:23You know, call me frivolous, but you ever wonder what a nice Peruvian tile would look like in here?
00:52:40Maybe not.
00:52:50Hello.
00:52:51I, Marinus Orlach, being of sound mind and in full possession of my mental faculties,
00:52:59herewith declare my last will and testament.
00:53:03But let this not be a somber occasion.
00:53:07Come on, kiddies.
00:53:09Let's have some fun.
00:53:13Hey, you airs will compete for a fortune in dance and prizes on the newly dead game.
00:53:20And now, here's your host for the newly dead game, the late but irrepressible, Marinus Orlach.
00:53:27Hey, Marinus, come on down.
00:53:40Thank you, friends on air.
00:53:43But first, let us meet our two contestants.
00:53:46That's right, Marinus.
00:53:48She's a singer, musician, and composer living in Los Angeles, California.
00:53:51Let's hear it for Marissa Orlach.
00:53:56Contestant number two currently resides in Transylvania.
00:54:00His hobbies include stamp collecting, leather craft, and necrophilia.
00:54:04Ladies and gentlemen, Byron Orlach.
00:54:07Now, I know that Marissa and Byron are both in our viewing audience tonight.
00:54:15So, let's take a look at their wonderful prizes.
00:54:19It's a castle.
00:54:21Yes, it's Castle Orlach.
00:54:23One of the most dreaded places on earth.
00:54:25This stately matter comes complete with antique furnishings and an ancient family curse.
00:54:29But wait, that's not all.
00:54:31You'll also receive this Swiss bank account.
00:54:34Total retail value of this wonderful prize, $7.5 million.
00:54:40And now, it's time for you, right here in our studio audience, to pick the winner with your applause.
00:54:48Ladies and gentlemen, who will receive this fabulous estate?
00:54:53Is it to be contestant number one, Marissa?
00:54:59Or will it be contestant number two?
00:55:05And the winner is Marissa Orlach.
00:55:10But no one walks away a loser.
00:55:13Johnny, tell Byron about his consolation prize.
00:55:18It's a matching set of Transylvanian tourister luggage.
00:55:22Yes, Byron, you'll probably have to leave the castle now.
00:55:25So, here are the bags to send you on your way.
00:55:27And everyone will receive a copy of our home game for playing with family and friends.
00:55:34That's the newly dead game from Parker Bradley, Inc.
00:55:38And now, on to our bonus round.
00:55:42Hidden somewhere in the castle, some lucky viewer may find the Book of Ulta.
00:55:47Is that a book?
00:55:51Now, let's take a look at our bonus prize clue.
00:55:57If anyone in our viewing audience can solve the mystery clue, the Book of Ulta could be yours.
00:56:04And that's all our time tonight on the newly dead game.
00:56:12For now, this is your host, Marissa Orlach, saying goodnight and goodbye, kiddies!
00:56:18Oh, Uncle Byron, I can tell you're upset.
00:56:33Congratulations, my dear.
00:56:35I know you'll be quite happy at Castle Orlach.
00:56:38As long as you live.
00:56:47I will have that book.
00:57:00He didn't take that very well, did he?
00:57:02Oh, hell, I don't even want this place.
00:57:04Uncle Byron can have it.
00:57:05I think he was a little more concerned about the Book of Ulta.
00:57:08Then I'd say it's imperative you get your hands on that book before he does.
00:57:12Oh, right.
00:57:13I only have three little problems, pal.
00:57:16One, I don't know where it is.
00:57:17Two, I don't know where to look.
00:57:19And three, I have no idea what that clue meant.
00:57:21Then perhaps we should ask someone who does.
00:57:26Marinus Orlach himself.
00:57:28The spirit world is trouble tonight.
00:57:47This seance could be dangerous.
00:57:49Do you think we'll be able to reach my father?
00:57:50Perhaps.
00:57:51Can't you feel it?
00:57:53Death is nearby.
00:57:54Do we have to do this now?
00:57:57I think the night rates are lower.
00:57:59Everyone, join hands.
00:58:03With each other.
00:58:07Now everyone, concentrate.
00:58:10Oh, spirit world, we reach out for you.
00:58:13Do you wish to receive us?
00:58:15If so, give us some sort of sign.
00:58:20I think that's a no.
00:58:25Maybe.
00:58:26But we must press on.
00:58:28Oh, spirit world, we seek audience with Marinus Orlach.
00:58:32Send us a guide that we may find him.
00:58:37What's he doing?
00:58:39He's channeling.
00:58:42Wait a minute.
00:58:44Wrong channel.
00:58:46This is ridiculous.
00:58:48This is absolutely absurd.
00:58:50Uh-huh.
00:58:51Uh-huh.
00:58:52Hey, yeah.
00:58:54Doctor, who have we reached?
00:58:55Well, it ain't Howard Hughes, ma'am.
00:58:57Are you our guide to the spirit world?
00:58:59Uh-huh.
00:59:00That's right, sir.
00:59:02Just a couple of things I want to get out right up front.
00:59:04Speak, spirit.
00:59:05Well, first of all,
00:59:06I just found out all my money's still good up here,
00:59:08so have RCA send all my back royalties to me.
00:59:10And second,
00:59:11tell them gumsuckers at the Enquirer that I really am dead.
00:59:13I go through circulation.
00:59:16Wait a minute.
00:59:17Wait a minute.
00:59:18I feel all the spirit.
00:59:19It's a little stronger than the rest.
00:59:21I'm fading away.
00:59:23I'm fading away.
00:59:24I can feel myself fading away.
00:59:26And don't forget to keep buying my arms.
00:59:29And now,
00:59:31the end is...
00:59:32Ladies and gentlemen,
00:59:38Elvis has left the body.
00:59:40Marissa?
00:59:58Marissa?
01:00:01Marissa, are you okay?
01:00:02Keep away!
01:00:04Marissa, what's wrong?
01:00:05Your mother's soul sucks in hell.
01:00:06My mother does what?
01:00:09She's obviously possessed.
01:00:11You're right, Doc.
01:00:12I haven't seen anything like this
01:00:14since they canceled Star Search.
01:00:15No!
01:00:15No!
01:00:15No!
01:00:15No!
01:00:16No!
01:00:16No!
01:00:16No!
01:00:16No!
01:00:16No!
01:00:17No!
01:00:17No!
01:00:18No!
01:00:18No!
01:00:19No!
01:00:19No!
01:00:20No!
01:00:20No!
01:00:21No!
01:00:21No!
01:00:22No!
01:00:22No!
01:00:23No!
01:00:23No!
01:00:24No!
01:00:24No!
01:00:25No!
01:00:26No!
01:00:27No!
01:00:28No!
01:00:29No!
01:00:30No!
01:00:31No!
01:00:32No!
01:00:33No!
01:00:34No!
01:00:35No!
01:00:36No!
01:00:38Cream the mint.
01:00:41Dexter Monite, are you all right?
01:00:44Never felt better.
01:00:47Marissa?
01:00:48Marissa, you okay?
01:00:50I am the Lady Marissa.
01:00:54Her ancestor?
01:00:56What do you want with Marissa?
01:00:57Byron Orlok must not gain possession of that book.
01:01:01I alone have the power to challenge him.
01:01:04This body shall serve as my dwelling.
01:01:07I think it's already occupied.
01:01:09Fall!
01:01:11You know not what horrors you face.
01:01:14The evil one waits beyond.
01:01:16Beyond where?
01:01:18The evil one waits...
01:01:20Beyond.
01:01:25Quickly, we must perform an emergency exorcism.
01:01:27What?
01:01:27Fortunate that I took that in my first aid class.
01:01:29Oh, and I wasted time on mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
01:01:31Hold it tightly, lad.
01:01:32Evil spirit.
01:01:34I cast you out!
01:01:35Be gone.
01:01:36Depart.
01:01:37Withdraw.
01:01:37Take off.
01:01:38Get lost.
01:01:38Get the lid out.
01:01:38Hit the road, Jack.
01:01:39I'm scray!
01:01:42Marissa?
01:01:43What happened?
01:01:44Oh, not much.
01:01:45We just met another family member, that's all.
01:01:48I don't understand.
01:01:49Come, Dexter.
01:01:49She needs rest.
01:01:51We could all use a little sleep.
01:01:52Sleep?
01:01:53In this place?
01:01:55It's all the same to you, Jack.
01:01:56I think I'll stay here and watch the rest of Carson.
01:01:59It's getting a little weird.
01:02:01A little strange.
01:02:01What's going on up at that cursed castle?
01:02:11Tell me that!
01:02:12No one knows.
01:02:13No one wants to know.
01:02:14I want to know.
01:02:16Gentlemen!
01:02:17Gentlemen!
01:02:18Huh?
01:02:18Byron Orlark is in that castle.
01:02:21And he's brought death and destruction with him.
01:02:24Now Orlark can stay.
01:02:26But death and destruction have got to go.
01:02:29Yeah!
01:02:31God knows what unholy rites he's performing there.
01:02:34Meanwhile, we sit here like sheep.
01:02:36Yeah!
01:02:37All this evil must end!
01:02:40Yeah!
01:02:41What do we do about it?
01:02:42Let him go on with his black magic?
01:02:44Or send him back to the hell he came from?
01:02:47Yeah!
01:02:48Yeah!
01:02:48Can you put that to a vote?
01:02:50Oh, why bother?
01:02:51They're all in this together, those Americans and that Van Helsing fellow.
01:02:54I say we go up there, destroy Byron Orlark, burn down the castle, and kill everyone inside.
01:03:01Yeah!
01:03:01Yeah!
01:03:02Wait a minute.
01:03:05I'd rather go up there, destroy Byron Orlark, but leave the castle intact.
01:03:08No, no, no.
01:03:09Let's burn the castle.
01:03:10Kill everyone inside.
01:03:11But let Byron Orlark be.
01:03:13All right, all right, all right.
01:03:15Who's for destroying Byron Orlark?
01:03:17Yeah!
01:03:18Right.
01:03:19You are group one going to back there.
01:03:21Now, who would like to burn down the castle?
01:03:23Yeah!
01:03:25Right.
01:03:25You are group two over here.
01:03:26And finally, who would just like to kill everyone inside?
01:03:30Yes, yes, you four are staying right there.
01:03:35What about you, Hanson?
01:03:36I'm still considering all me options.
01:03:39Oh, come with us, Hans.
01:03:40Think of the fun we'll have burning down the castle.
01:03:44No!
01:03:45Come with us.
01:03:47We're going to have more fun killing everyone inside.
01:03:49I just don't know.
01:03:52Never mind.
01:03:53You make up your mind when you get there.
01:03:56All right.
01:03:57Take tortures.
01:03:59Weapons.
01:04:00Anything you can carry.
01:04:02Come on, guys.
01:04:04Let's get a real inch more mentality going here.
01:04:08Are you with me?
01:04:10Hey, fellas.
01:04:26Wait up.
01:04:27They're all in their rooms.
01:04:35Or in their coffins.
01:04:38Listen, Marissa, I have to find that book.
01:04:41Even if it means searching this entire castle from top to bottom.
01:04:43So, you stay here.
01:04:45Oh, no, you're not leaving me behind.
01:04:47I'm here with three homicidal cousins, one lumbering butler and an uncle who turns off the television with a bazooka launcher.
01:04:52Yeah, we only meet my relatives.
01:04:55Have you ever considered the fact that they're really trying to scare you?
01:04:57Yes, and they're doing a fine job.
01:04:59From now on, we stick together.
01:05:01And after this is over, we stay together then?
01:05:04Is that it for possible?
01:05:05Well, I don't think it's a proposition.
01:05:06Do you want to hear something funny?
01:05:09What?
01:05:09I could really go for a guy like you.
01:05:12Do you want to hear something funnier?
01:05:13What?
01:05:14I could really go for you.
01:05:16You're right.
01:05:17That is funny.
01:05:17You're right.
01:05:18Come on.
01:05:36Trick-or-treat.
01:05:48Creature of evil, be gone.
01:05:51What are you, some kind of religious nut?
01:05:54Stand back, lest I cast your soul into eternal perdition.
01:05:58You're taking this whole thing far too seriously.
01:06:01Crucifex, it doesn't repel you?
01:06:04Not particularly.
01:06:05Besides, this whole thing is only a dream sequence.
01:06:10Dream sequence?
01:06:11Take my word for it.
01:06:13It's only a dream.
01:06:14You shouldn't have had those anchovies at dinner.
01:06:16Well, then I guess I'm in no immediate peril.
01:06:19Not exactly.
01:06:21You see, whatever happens in a dream could also be happening in real life.
01:06:26I see.
01:06:27Well, in that case...
01:06:29You're right.
01:06:31You're up to your neck in trouble.
01:06:35Oh!
01:06:36Oh!
01:06:45Oh!
01:06:45Oh!
01:06:45Oh!
01:06:46Oh!
01:06:47One could acquire a taste for this stuff.
01:07:17Is it just me or are things getting weird?
01:07:22No, it's just you.
01:07:24Here, you hang on to these. I'll trip over the furniture for a while.
01:07:27Okay. Hey, what's behind this door?
01:07:30I think I'd rather have what's behind the curtain.
01:07:34Oh, my goodness. It looks just like...
01:07:37Yeah, 3D.
01:07:40Wow, this is wild.
01:07:42Look, Dix.
01:07:43Put on your 3D glasses now.
01:07:46Did you bring them?
01:07:47I thought you had them.
01:07:48I don't have them.
01:07:50Damn!
01:07:50Too bad. This could have been a great sequence.
01:07:53What kind of nutty family did I get myself born into?
01:07:57Oh, relax, will you?
01:08:09I'll flip you to see who faints first.
01:08:11You've played a good game, boy.
01:08:17Now your time has come.
01:08:20Marissa, duck!
01:08:21A swing and a miss on Dexter Ward.
01:08:32I'll tell you, it's a great night for a baseball game.
01:08:35I'm Stu Nahan, and we're here at the Castle Urlach.
01:08:38Now, Dexter's having a great year.
01:08:40He's hitting 498.
01:08:41I'll tell you, that's a big batting average.
01:08:43Four home runs, something like 49 RBIs and 16 stolen bases.
01:08:48All right, here's the wind-up.
01:08:52And the pitch.
01:08:54There's a deep drive going out to right field.
01:08:56Lubezki going back.
01:08:57He's at the track.
01:08:58He's at the wall.
01:09:00My gosh, it's out of here!
01:09:01Forward, man!
01:09:17We must not falter in our purpose!
01:09:21What is it?
01:09:32It's seeing there's some sort of supernatural sphere
01:09:34or the damnedest Christmas ornament I've ever seen!
01:09:37Or what will we do now?
01:09:38Up is down!
01:09:39I'm down, he's out!
01:09:40Well, let's get up, up!
01:09:42Handful!
01:09:42Sure, but I can still help!
01:09:43Or let's get the wheel laddy up on his feet!
01:09:46Help me with his hands, hands!
01:09:47Which hands?
01:09:49His hands!
01:09:49Oh, Derno!
01:09:53Derno!
01:09:54Are you all right?
01:09:54Am I?
01:09:55Who am I?
01:09:56What film is this?
01:09:57Huff!
01:09:58He's coming too!
01:09:59Oh, yes!
01:09:59I remember you!
01:10:01Hans Huff!
01:10:02If you say so.
01:10:04Ah!
01:10:06You know, maybe we should just call it on.
01:10:08I've been through enough already.
01:10:09I think it's keeping me going as well as nervous energy.
01:10:12Hang on, son.
01:10:13We've looked upstairs.
01:10:14We've looked downstairs.
01:10:16We've looked everywhere, except...
01:10:18Wait a minute.
01:10:20That's it.
01:10:21That's gotta be it.
01:10:22Come on.
01:10:26What's it?
01:10:26What's gotta be it?
01:10:27Oh, look, look.
01:10:28She's been pointing the way the whole time.
01:10:29I don't see anything.
01:10:31Yeah, sure.
01:10:31Look!
01:10:35Doorway to the crypt.
01:10:36Come on.
01:10:37Come on.
01:10:37It's gotta be here.
01:10:56Marissa?
01:10:57Marissa?
01:10:59Oh, look.
01:10:59?
01:11:03?
01:11:09?
01:11:19?
01:11:20?
01:11:21?
01:11:23?
01:11:24?
01:11:25?
01:11:26?
01:11:27?
01:11:28?
01:11:29I did take it with him, but where'd he go?
01:11:44Daddy will be so proud.
01:11:59Good laugh, a bit worth a lot of money right now.
01:12:16Ah, young man.
01:12:18From the first moment I did not recognize you, I knew you would lead us to this book.
01:12:23How can I ever repay you?
01:12:24U.S. currency, large, unmarked bills, thank you.
01:12:28No, I'm afraid you'll never have the opportunity to spend it.
01:12:32That's reassuring.
01:12:34Why is that book so important to you anyway?
01:12:37I've been seeking this volume for nearly 50 years.
01:12:42But now, finally, it's mine.
01:12:48And what do you intend to do with it?
01:12:51Contained within this volume are the mystic incantations which can summon forth the evil one.
01:12:59Once again, the forces of darkness shall reign complete and utter chaos.
01:13:08Why would you want to do that?
01:13:12Because I'm evil.
01:13:14Haven't you figured that out yet?
01:13:18Ben Helsing, you've got to stop him.
01:13:25There are several distinct advantages to being a vampire, dear lion.
01:13:30Oh, ancient evil one, hear these mystic incantations and come forth.
01:13:41I don't mind dying, but I hate the preliminaries.
01:14:08Byron, our luck!
01:14:15Ah, Lady Marissa, you've come back.
01:14:21And in time for my greatest triumph.
01:14:25I came back to stop you, Byron.
01:14:28You started as a wicked child, grew to a malevolent young man, and now you're a vicious, vile adult.
01:14:36But you can't blame a guy for trying.
01:14:40I should have never sent you to that progressive school.
01:14:43Well, but now it's finally time to take things in hand.
01:14:47And I have a few scores to settle with you, dear lord.
01:14:50Ben Helsing, what are you doing? You're supposed to be one of them.
01:14:54Just because you're a vampire, that doesn't make you a bad person.
01:14:58I have absolute power over the evil one.
01:15:02At last, all mankind shall grovel at my feet.
01:15:06And even you, Lady Marissa, will bow and beg my mercy.
01:15:13You know, Byron, you're really starting to piss me off.
01:15:18Oh.
01:15:20Well adieu, then.
01:15:22Even to the death.
01:15:25Hey!
01:15:26Orlok!
01:15:27Oh boy.
01:15:28Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:32Don't you know the devil always wins?
01:15:57You fools!
01:16:17Holder, you fools! I'll be back in part two!
01:16:32Dexter, what's going on here?
01:16:34Marissa, I was hoping you could tell me!
01:16:40Oh, that sound! It's horrible!
01:16:43Yeah, it's even worse than my song!
01:16:47Look!
01:17:03It's the evil one! Come forth to conquer the world!
01:17:10Bad housing? What are we gonna do?
01:17:12Don't ask me, dear fellow. Vampires, I know.
01:17:15But this love crap stuff is out of my league!
01:17:26Marissa?
01:17:30Marissa?
01:17:31She's being possessed!
01:17:32Again?
01:17:33Yes, she's being repossessed!
01:17:36Sorry, folks.
01:17:38To save yourselves, you must destroy the Book of Ulthar!
01:17:42You're kidding!
01:17:44Destroy him!
01:17:45For this body we'll never put out for you!
01:17:48You got it, lady!
01:17:49You got it, lady!
01:17:53Oh!
01:17:54Oh!
01:17:55Oh!
01:18:00Oh !
01:18:02Dexter, my good fellow. Are you all right?
01:18:25I think so. I sure could have used a stunt double, though.
01:18:28For a moment, we thought you weren't going to make it.
01:18:29You'd better get him back to the castle. I'll take care of things here.
01:18:33Hey, wait a minute, Doc. You're a vampire now. What are you going to do?
01:18:38Oh, they're not a bad sort, really. Mostly misunderstood.
01:18:42Besides, I always wanted to see how the other half lived, if that's the right word.
01:18:46Well, you two run along.
01:18:53Hmm.
01:18:55Maybe we can turn this place into a trailer park.
01:18:59What do you think? You think this is a good look for me?
01:19:06Oh, do you ever stop?
01:19:08Oh, come on, Miss Maris. Tomorrow's going to be great.
01:19:11Hey, things will look a lot differently in the morning.
01:19:13It's never morning around here. It's just one endless night.
01:19:20What's that?
01:19:21I don't believe this. It's the same everywhere.
01:19:23You missed one lousy payment, and they shut the power off.
01:19:26Oh, dear.
01:19:31Daddy!
01:19:32Oh, my wrist and my climate function. Oh, shame amazing. Oh.
01:19:38And you weren't dead after all?
01:19:40No, my dear.
01:19:41I suffer from cataleptic spells which give the appearance of death.
01:19:47Why did you leave home without any word?
01:19:49A family legacy.
01:19:51It is the responsibility of the eldest child to guard the dimensional gateway on our land.
01:19:58Hey, come on, now. All's well with Aswell, huh?
01:20:00I mean, the book's gone, and so is old bald Bearinghead over there.
01:20:04Yeah, good riddance to bad rubbish.
01:20:07Daddy, a lot of strange things happen around here.
01:20:10Well, you'll get used to it.
01:20:12It is your responsibility now.
01:20:14As the eldest child, you are obliged to stay here and prevent access of the evil one.
01:20:21As for me, I'm going to go trout fishing in Canada.
01:20:27Daddy, I have a career.
01:20:29Hmm?
01:20:29I've got a record album and a video due out by the end of the year.
01:20:32Hey!
01:20:35I got an idea.
01:20:37Why don't we put on a show right here?
01:20:40Sweetie, who's this guy?
01:20:42You don't want to know.
01:20:43I don't want to know. I don't want to know.
01:20:45Yeah.
01:20:51Action.
01:20:53I heard your voice.
01:20:55Thought it was a dream.
01:20:57So many faces.
01:20:59Don't know what's real.
01:21:02I'm screaming in the night.
01:21:04How can I know?
01:21:06What's wrong or right?
01:21:10Caught in the middle of love.
01:21:14Maybe you know.
01:21:16Caught in the middle of love.
01:21:19Ooh.
01:21:22Tell me, is it true none of us cast reflections in mirrors?
01:21:26Yes.
01:21:26It makes it a real bitch putting on makeup every night.
01:21:39What's that for?
01:21:40I wanted the movie to end with a bang.
01:21:44I think it's going to.
01:21:46Ha, ha, ha.
01:21:47Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:21:49Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:21:49Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:21:50Turn to the left.
01:21:52Put up your fight.
01:21:54I'm upside down.
01:21:56You know it's not right.
01:21:59So crazy it gets so.
01:22:01I'm hanging by my heart.
01:22:03Which way to turn?
01:22:07Caught in the middle of love.
01:22:11Baby, you know.
01:22:13Caught in the middle of love.
01:22:16Maybe you know.
01:22:20Caught in the middle of love.
01:22:26How many times did I cry?
01:22:30How many times did I cry?
01:22:31No matter what I try.
01:22:32Talk to me, baby.
01:22:35Say what I want to hear.
01:22:37Do what you will whisper in my ear.
01:22:40I told you we should have asked for instructions at that last Arco station.
01:23:00Never mind.
01:23:01Where are we?
01:23:02Somewhere between Omaha and Minsk.
01:23:04And where is the Castle Orlach?
01:23:06According to this map, we should be in the living room right now.
01:23:09Something is wrong here.
01:23:12No wonder.
01:23:13This is a map of the Dominican Republic.
01:23:16Man, I say we give up, forget everything, and go home.
01:23:25Oh, wait a minute.
01:23:26I say we give up, forget everything, but not go home.
01:23:30No, no.
01:23:31We should forget everything.
01:23:32Go home, but never give up.
01:23:35I'll make it compromise.
01:23:36You'll give up, go home, but remember everything.
01:23:40Can we put that to a close?
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