Comedy Central Presents - Jeff Dunham

KARAOKE HIEND

26/6/2025

Standup comedy

Danh mục

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Tivi

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00:00I don't give a damn. Back to you, asshole.

00:11I'm sorry, I'm just kidding around. What was your first name here in the blue shirt?

00:15Nick.

00:15Oh, Nick. Good to see you, Nick. Nick, what do you do for a living?

00:19I work in construction.

00:20Oh, construction. What kind of construction? What do you do?

00:22I work with the general contractor.

00:23Oh, you work with the general. You're not the general contractor.

00:26You work with one.

00:28I will be.

00:28So, what is your title, Nick?

00:30I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.

00:33Framing and drywalling.

00:37Got anything for that, dumbass?

00:43You know, Nick, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers and even trash collectors but the framing and drywalling guy.

00:53Not in our arsenal of snappy comebacks.

00:58Now, we're not going to bother going home and writing any because, hey, what are the fucking odds now?

01:15I'm sorry.

01:16It was Nick, right?

01:20Was it Nick or Nick?

01:21Yeah, Nick.

01:22Nick and Mike.

01:23Mike and Nick.

01:25Dumbasses.

01:28Are you nice to the crowd?

01:30I don't give a damn.

01:30All right, now, some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't.

01:38I don't give a damn.

01:39All right.

01:40Where is Valerie?

01:42What is that?

01:42I don't know.

01:42What is it?

01:43Renu?

01:44Renee?

01:45Renny?

01:45Renji?

01:46Valerie, where are you?

01:48Right there.

01:49She says, dear Walter, how do you take off 10 years to look younger?

01:53Oh, me?

01:54Oh, that would be Thompson's water seal.

02:06This is from Milton.

02:07Dear Walter, my wife sits at home all day and won't work.

02:10How can I get her to get a job?

02:12Well, Milton, you're going to have to die.

02:14That'll teach the bitch.

02:31Where is Nick Manos?

02:33Right here.

02:33Oh, Nick.

02:34Oh, Nick.

02:35Nick says, dear Walter, you're looking a little frustrated.

02:42When's the last time you got laid?

02:44Oh, crap.

02:47I recognize him.

02:47That's our gay stalker.

02:54I need medical transportation.

03:03This is from Stephen.

03:05Dear Walter, could you please recommend a good proctologist?

03:07Tony Whittier?

03:21No, Tony from Whittier, California.

03:23Pay attention, idiot.

03:25I'm sorry.

03:27Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times.

03:31You never answer my question, what gives?

03:34Let's skip that one.

03:46This is from Chris.

03:48It's Chris.

03:48It's a girl, Chris.

03:50Dear Walter, you read this.

03:51Dear Walter, after nine and a half years, my boyfriend still hasn't popped the question.

03:58Let's just poop the question.

04:00Chris, you need to learn the style, I think.

04:09How the hell do you poop the question?

04:11I guess you should listen from the other end.

04:24Dear Walter, why don't chicken breasts have nipples?

04:26I guess because if they got too cold, they poke a hole in the package.

04:50New from the colonel, chicken and tits.

04:52Dear Walter, what is one of Jeff's deepest, darkest secrets?

05:03Oh, he has a sex blow-up doll.

05:06No, I don't.

05:07Yes, you don't?

05:08No, yeah.

05:08And the sick part is he makes her talk.

05:16And boy, does she lie.

05:17Will you stop it?

05:22Dear Walter, what was your favorite toy as a child?

05:25Dirt.

05:27And we were happy.

05:31Kids nowadays, they had too much.

05:33They got the internet, they got video games, computer crap.

05:36Hell, they're even passing out condoms in high schools.

05:39Did you know that?

05:40Yeah, good God.

05:41When I was that age, we had to walk five miles to get a condom.

05:48Uphill.

05:49In the snow.

05:51With a boner.

05:53Oh, stop.

05:54All right, I threw this one away because I thought it was kind of over the line, but

06:07I think we've crossed that a couple of times.

06:10You read it.

06:11Why?

06:11I just can't.

06:12You read it.

06:12All right, I don't care.

06:14Dear Walter, why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I give my boyfriend

06:20oral sex?

06:21Well, obviously, your toothbrush is bigger.

06:31And that's Walter.

06:32There we go, all right?

06:34So you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately.

06:36Oh, yeah, and they're getting on Facebook.

06:38What?

06:39You get on Facebook.

06:40Yeah, what do you do on Facebook?

06:41I like getting on there and de-friending everybody possible.

06:45Why?

06:46Just so they don't wonder what the hell they did wrong.

06:48It's funny as hell.

06:51That's not nice.

06:52No, if it was nice, it wouldn't be funny as hell.

06:55I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without defriending him.

06:59How's that?

07:00Well, an old buddy of mine posted that his wife died.

07:02Oh.

07:03I clicked like.

07:10Then I posted, mine's still alive, sad face.

07:16So you're getting into social networking.

07:18Yeah, a little bit.

07:19You know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves

07:24on their phones and then texting to each other.

07:26What the hell?

07:28When I was young and dating my wife, I never thought, she's so beautiful.

07:31I'm going to marry her.

07:32The first thing I'm going to send her to is text her like balls.

07:35People ask me all the time if my show is family friendly.

07:45What am I supposed to say now?

07:47It depends on your family.

07:49Well, since you've gone there, do you and your wife have a decent love life?

08:03Oh, she does things to mix it up now and then.

08:05Really?

08:05Yeah, she thought a pair of handcuffs.

08:07Really?

08:07Yeah.

08:08Like, I need another reminder that I'm serving a life sentence.

08:14Handcuffs in our age.

08:15That's like 50 shades of old and gray.

08:19So is there a good communication between you two?

08:22I guess.

08:22The other night she said, your lips say no, but your eyes say yes.

08:27What did you say?

08:28I have glaucoma.

08:32So how's the actual love life?

08:33You mean sex?

08:34Yes.

08:35It's always doggy style.

08:36Walter?

08:37Yeah, she rolls over and plays dead.

08:44Then I just lick myself and go to sleep.

08:49I'm sorry.

08:53Walter?

08:55Come on.

08:55Good comedy is where you can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads.

09:00That was a f***ing hand.

09:01Go.

09:02Yes, it was.

09:03Say goodnight, Walter.

09:04Thanks, everybody.

09:05That's all.

09:06There we go.

09:09Shut the hell up.

09:10Walter, happy to be here.

09:16Oh, overjoyed.

09:19Last week I was lying on a beach in Maui and I couldn't decide, gee, should I stay in Hawaii

09:23or go to fricking Santa Ana?

09:29My God, I can die happy now.

09:33Fine city.

09:34I don't give a damn.

09:35What's wrong with you?

09:41I don't know.

09:42It's hot as hell outside.

09:44My skin's all dry and itchy.

09:47You put me in a sweater.

09:49Sure as hell not going to ask you for lotion.

09:51You know, you don't have to do this.

10:06Yeah, I can get a real job.

10:07What would you do?

10:09I want to be a greeter at Walmart.

10:11What the hell's so funny?

10:26At Walmart, what would be your opening line?

10:28Oh, welcome to Walmart.

10:30Get your shit and get out.

10:31Have a nice day.

10:44Anything else wrong?

10:46I don't know.

10:47My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinking joint.

10:52And some jerk pulled up and a brand new Mercedes goes right in a handicapped spot.

10:56He got out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him.

10:58Don't you hate that?

10:59Yeah.

11:00So I ran his ass over.

11:09I made an honest man out of him.

11:14And his mother got out the other side and started swinging her crutches at me.

11:23Took her out with the door.

11:26Don't you feel kind of bad?

11:28Oh, hell ain't carpool.

11:30Good thing the police didn't see you.

11:32I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana.

11:34Have you seen some of these guys?

11:36What?

11:36Cops on bicycles.

11:38What's wrong with that?

11:39How intimidating is this?

11:40All right, buddy.

11:41Pull it over.

11:41Gene, gene.

11:42Gene, gene.

11:43Gene, gene.

11:43What are they doing?

11:51They arrest somebody.

11:52All right.

11:52In the basket.

11:57Yes, ladies.

11:58I wrote that joke.

11:59Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops they got playing cards in their spokes.

12:14Because everybody was coming in tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.

12:19Yeah, so before the show started, I grabbed a small handful.

12:22I think you should answer them.

12:23I don't give a damn.

12:26You're the pal here in a blue shirt in the front row.

12:28Did you fill one out?

12:29Hello?

12:33Did you fill one out?

12:39Where are you going?

12:40Sit the hell down.

12:45You bastard, this is TV.

12:49What the hell?

13:01Think he's going to take a piss?

13:08These are extensive tickets, extensive setup, a lot of production.

13:12Yeah, divide it all up.

13:14If he's gone for three minutes, he's taking a $600 piss.

13:19Dumbass.

13:30Is he coming back?

13:33Okay.

13:35We'll wait.

13:36Right.

13:43Okay.

13:54What's that guy's first name?

14:22Mike!

14:22Mike, dumbass.

14:26Are the speakers hooked up in the bathroom?

14:28Yes, ma'am.

14:29Oh, Mike!

14:34They're waiting for you, Mike!

14:38Kinda tough to go with all this pressure, isn't it, Mike?

14:44Mike!

14:47Get out!

14:50Mike's taking a long time.

14:54Could be having trouble.

14:57What does Mike do for a living?

15:01Transportation.

15:03He does transportation?

15:07What the hell does that mean?

15:10Medical transportation.

15:12Medical transportation?

15:14What the fuck is that?

15:19Welcome back, dumbass.

15:23Mike, could you hear us in there?

15:29I can't hear you.

15:30Oh, you couldn't?

15:31Well, we could hear you.

15:32I can't hear you.

15:33Oh, you couldn't?

15:34I can't hear you.

15:35I can't hear you.

15:36Oh, you couldn't?

15:37Well, we could hear you.

15:38I can't hear you.

15:39I can't hear you.

15:40You didn't wash your hands.

15:41I can't hear you.

15:42I can't hear you.

15:43Oh, you couldn't?

15:44I can't hear you.

15:45Yeah.

15:46Somebody pulled his string, he's not talking.

15:48Mike, could you hear us in there?

15:51I can't hear you.

15:52I can't hear you.

15:53You couldn't?

15:54Well, we could hear you.

15:55You didn't wash your hands.

15:59You didn't wash your hands.

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