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Comedy Central Presents - Jeff Dunham
KARAOKE HIEND
Theo dõi
26/6/2025
Standup comedy
Danh mục
📺
Tivi
Phụ đề
Hiển thị phụ đề video đầy đủ
00:00
I don't give a damn. Back to you, asshole.
00:11
I'm sorry, I'm just kidding around. What was your first name here in the blue shirt?
00:15
Nick.
00:15
Oh, Nick. Good to see you, Nick. Nick, what do you do for a living?
00:19
I work in construction.
00:20
Oh, construction. What kind of construction? What do you do?
00:22
I work with the general contractor.
00:23
Oh, you work with the general. You're not the general contractor.
00:26
You work with one.
00:28
I will be.
00:28
So, what is your title, Nick?
00:30
I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.
00:33
Framing and drywalling.
00:37
Got anything for that, dumbass?
00:43
You know, Nick, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers and even trash collectors but the framing and drywalling guy.
00:53
Not in our arsenal of snappy comebacks.
00:58
Now, we're not going to bother going home and writing any because, hey, what are the fucking odds now?
01:15
I'm sorry.
01:16
It was Nick, right?
01:20
Was it Nick or Nick?
01:21
Yeah, Nick.
01:22
Nick and Mike.
01:23
Mike and Nick.
01:25
Dumbasses.
01:28
Are you nice to the crowd?
01:30
I don't give a damn.
01:30
All right, now, some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't.
01:38
I don't give a damn.
01:39
All right.
01:39
All right.
01:40
Where is Valerie?
01:42
What is that?
01:42
I don't know.
01:42
What is it?
01:43
Renu?
01:44
Renee?
01:45
Renny?
01:45
Renji?
01:46
Valerie, where are you?
01:48
Right there.
01:49
She says, dear Walter, how do you take off 10 years to look younger?
01:53
Oh, me?
01:54
Oh, that would be Thompson's water seal.
02:06
This is from Milton.
02:07
Dear Walter, my wife sits at home all day and won't work.
02:10
How can I get her to get a job?
02:12
Well, Milton, you're going to have to die.
02:14
That'll teach the bitch.
02:31
Where is Nick Manos?
02:33
Right here.
02:33
Oh, Nick.
02:34
Oh, Nick.
02:35
Nick says, dear Walter, you're looking a little frustrated.
02:42
When's the last time you got laid?
02:44
Oh, crap.
02:47
I recognize him.
02:47
That's our gay stalker.
02:54
I need medical transportation.
03:03
This is from Stephen.
03:05
Dear Walter, could you please recommend a good proctologist?
03:07
Tony Whittier?
03:21
No, Tony from Whittier, California.
03:23
Pay attention, idiot.
03:25
I'm sorry.
03:27
Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times.
03:31
You never answer my question, what gives?
03:34
Let's skip that one.
03:46
This is from Chris.
03:48
It's Chris.
03:48
It's a girl, Chris.
03:50
Dear Walter, you read this.
03:51
Dear Walter, after nine and a half years, my boyfriend still hasn't popped the question.
03:58
Let's just poop the question.
04:00
Chris, you need to learn the style, I think.
04:09
How the hell do you poop the question?
04:11
I guess you should listen from the other end.
04:24
Dear Walter, why don't chicken breasts have nipples?
04:26
I guess because if they got too cold, they poke a hole in the package.
04:50
New from the colonel, chicken and tits.
04:52
Dear Walter, what is one of Jeff's deepest, darkest secrets?
05:03
Oh, he has a sex blow-up doll.
05:06
No, I don't.
05:07
Yes, you don't?
05:08
No, yeah.
05:08
And the sick part is he makes her talk.
05:16
And boy, does she lie.
05:17
Will you stop it?
05:22
Dear Walter, what was your favorite toy as a child?
05:25
Dirt.
05:27
And we were happy.
05:31
Kids nowadays, they had too much.
05:33
They got the internet, they got video games, computer crap.
05:36
Hell, they're even passing out condoms in high schools.
05:39
Did you know that?
05:40
Yeah, good God.
05:41
When I was that age, we had to walk five miles to get a condom.
05:48
Uphill.
05:49
In the snow.
05:51
With a boner.
05:53
Oh, stop.
05:54
All right, I threw this one away because I thought it was kind of over the line, but
06:07
I think we've crossed that a couple of times.
06:10
You read it.
06:11
Why?
06:11
I just can't.
06:12
You read it.
06:12
All right, I don't care.
06:14
Dear Walter, why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I give my boyfriend
06:20
oral sex?
06:21
Well, obviously, your toothbrush is bigger.
06:31
And that's Walter.
06:32
There we go, all right?
06:34
So you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately.
06:36
Oh, yeah, and they're getting on Facebook.
06:38
What?
06:39
You get on Facebook.
06:40
Yeah, what do you do on Facebook?
06:41
I like getting on there and de-friending everybody possible.
06:45
Why?
06:46
Just so they don't wonder what the hell they did wrong.
06:48
It's funny as hell.
06:51
That's not nice.
06:52
No, if it was nice, it wouldn't be funny as hell.
06:55
I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without defriending him.
06:59
How's that?
07:00
Well, an old buddy of mine posted that his wife died.
07:02
Oh.
07:03
I clicked like.
07:10
Then I posted, mine's still alive, sad face.
07:16
So you're getting into social networking.
07:18
Yeah, a little bit.
07:19
You know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves
07:24
on their phones and then texting to each other.
07:26
What the hell?
07:28
When I was young and dating my wife, I never thought, she's so beautiful.
07:31
I'm going to marry her.
07:32
The first thing I'm going to send her to is text her like balls.
07:35
People ask me all the time if my show is family friendly.
07:45
What am I supposed to say now?
07:47
It depends on your family.
07:49
Well, since you've gone there, do you and your wife have a decent love life?
08:03
Oh, she does things to mix it up now and then.
08:05
Really?
08:05
Yeah, she thought a pair of handcuffs.
08:07
Really?
08:07
Yeah.
08:08
Like, I need another reminder that I'm serving a life sentence.
08:14
Handcuffs in our age.
08:15
That's like 50 shades of old and gray.
08:19
So is there a good communication between you two?
08:22
I guess.
08:22
The other night she said, your lips say no, but your eyes say yes.
08:27
What did you say?
08:28
I have glaucoma.
08:32
So how's the actual love life?
08:33
You mean sex?
08:34
Yes.
08:35
It's always doggy style.
08:36
Walter?
08:37
Yeah, she rolls over and plays dead.
08:44
Then I just lick myself and go to sleep.
08:49
I'm sorry.
08:53
Walter?
08:55
Come on.
08:55
Good comedy is where you can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads.
09:00
That was a f***ing hand.
09:01
Go.
09:02
Yes, it was.
09:03
Say goodnight, Walter.
09:04
Thanks, everybody.
09:05
That's all.
09:06
There we go.
09:09
Shut the hell up.
09:10
Walter, happy to be here.
09:16
Oh, overjoyed.
09:19
Last week I was lying on a beach in Maui and I couldn't decide, gee, should I stay in Hawaii
09:23
or go to fricking Santa Ana?
09:29
My God, I can die happy now.
09:33
Fine city.
09:34
I don't give a damn.
09:35
What's wrong with you?
09:41
I don't know.
09:42
It's hot as hell outside.
09:44
My skin's all dry and itchy.
09:47
You put me in a sweater.
09:49
Sure as hell not going to ask you for lotion.
09:51
You know, you don't have to do this.
10:06
Yeah, I can get a real job.
10:07
What would you do?
10:09
I want to be a greeter at Walmart.
10:11
What the hell's so funny?
10:26
At Walmart, what would be your opening line?
10:28
Oh, welcome to Walmart.
10:30
Get your shit and get out.
10:31
Have a nice day.
10:44
Anything else wrong?
10:46
I don't know.
10:47
My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinking joint.
10:52
And some jerk pulled up and a brand new Mercedes goes right in a handicapped spot.
10:56
He got out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him.
10:58
Don't you hate that?
10:59
Yeah.
11:00
So I ran his ass over.
11:09
I made an honest man out of him.
11:14
And his mother got out the other side and started swinging her crutches at me.
11:23
Took her out with the door.
11:26
Don't you feel kind of bad?
11:28
Oh, hell ain't carpool.
11:30
Good thing the police didn't see you.
11:32
I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana.
11:34
Have you seen some of these guys?
11:36
What?
11:36
Cops on bicycles.
11:38
What's wrong with that?
11:39
How intimidating is this?
11:40
All right, buddy.
11:41
Pull it over.
11:41
Gene, gene.
11:42
Gene, gene.
11:43
Gene, gene.
11:43
What are they doing?
11:51
They arrest somebody.
11:52
All right.
11:52
In the basket.
11:57
Yes, ladies.
11:58
I wrote that joke.
11:59
Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops they got playing cards in their spokes.
12:14
Because everybody was coming in tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.
12:19
Yeah, so before the show started, I grabbed a small handful.
12:22
I think you should answer them.
12:23
I don't give a damn.
12:26
You're the pal here in a blue shirt in the front row.
12:28
Did you fill one out?
12:29
Hello?
12:33
Did you fill one out?
12:39
Where are you going?
12:40
Sit the hell down.
12:45
You bastard, this is TV.
12:49
What the hell?
13:01
Think he's going to take a piss?
13:08
These are extensive tickets, extensive setup, a lot of production.
13:12
Yeah, divide it all up.
13:14
If he's gone for three minutes, he's taking a $600 piss.
13:19
Dumbass.
13:30
Is he coming back?
13:33
Okay.
13:35
We'll wait.
13:36
Right.
13:43
Okay.
13:43
Okay.
13:54
What's that guy's first name?
14:22
Mike!
14:22
Mike, dumbass.
14:26
Are the speakers hooked up in the bathroom?
14:28
Yes, ma'am.
14:29
Oh, Mike!
14:34
They're waiting for you, Mike!
14:38
Kinda tough to go with all this pressure, isn't it, Mike?
14:44
Mike!
14:47
Get out!
14:50
Mike's taking a long time.
14:54
Could be having trouble.
14:57
What does Mike do for a living?
15:01
Transportation.
15:03
He does transportation?
15:07
What the hell does that mean?
15:10
Medical transportation.
15:12
Medical transportation?
15:14
What the fuck is that?
15:19
Welcome back, dumbass.
15:23
Mike, could you hear us in there?
15:29
I can't hear you.
15:30
Oh, you couldn't?
15:31
Well, we could hear you.
15:32
I can't hear you.
15:33
Oh, you couldn't?
15:34
I can't hear you.
15:35
I can't hear you.
15:36
Oh, you couldn't?
15:37
Well, we could hear you.
15:38
I can't hear you.
15:39
I can't hear you.
15:40
You didn't wash your hands.
15:41
I can't hear you.
15:42
I can't hear you.
15:43
Oh, you couldn't?
15:44
I can't hear you.
15:45
Yeah.
15:46
Somebody pulled his string, he's not talking.
15:48
Mike, could you hear us in there?
15:51
I can't hear you.
15:52
I can't hear you.
15:53
You couldn't?
15:54
Well, we could hear you.
15:55
You didn't wash your hands.
15:59
You didn't wash your hands.
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2:51
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