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Standup comedy
Danh mục
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TiviPhụ đề
00:00I don't give a damn. Back to you, asshole.
00:11I'm sorry, I'm just kidding around. What was your first name here in the blue shirt?
00:15Nick.
00:15Oh, Nick. Good to see you, Nick. Nick, what do you do for a living?
00:19I work in construction.
00:20Oh, construction. What kind of construction? What do you do?
00:22I work with the general contractor.
00:23Oh, you work with the general. You're not the general contractor.
00:26You work with one.
00:28I will be.
00:28So, what is your title, Nick?
00:30I guess you could consider it framing and drywalling.
00:33Framing and drywalling.
00:37Got anything for that, dumbass?
00:43You know, Nick, we got jokes for doctors and lawyers and even trash collectors but the framing and drywalling guy.
00:53Not in our arsenal of snappy comebacks.
00:58Now, we're not going to bother going home and writing any because, hey, what are the fucking odds now?
01:15I'm sorry.
01:16It was Nick, right?
01:20Was it Nick or Nick?
01:21Yeah, Nick.
01:22Nick and Mike.
01:23Mike and Nick.
01:25Dumbasses.
01:28Are you nice to the crowd?
01:30I don't give a damn.
01:30All right, now, some of the folks signed these and some of them didn't.
01:38I don't give a damn.
01:39All right.
01:39All right.
01:40Where is Valerie?
01:42What is that?
01:42I don't know.
01:42What is it?
01:43Renu?
01:44Renee?
01:45Renny?
01:45Renji?
01:46Valerie, where are you?
01:48Right there.
01:49She says, dear Walter, how do you take off 10 years to look younger?
01:53Oh, me?
01:54Oh, that would be Thompson's water seal.
02:06This is from Milton.
02:07Dear Walter, my wife sits at home all day and won't work.
02:10How can I get her to get a job?
02:12Well, Milton, you're going to have to die.
02:14That'll teach the bitch.
02:31Where is Nick Manos?
02:33Right here.
02:33Oh, Nick.
02:34Oh, Nick.
02:35Nick says, dear Walter, you're looking a little frustrated.
02:42When's the last time you got laid?
02:44Oh, crap.
02:47I recognize him.
02:47That's our gay stalker.
02:54I need medical transportation.
03:03This is from Stephen.
03:05Dear Walter, could you please recommend a good proctologist?
03:07Tony Whittier?
03:21No, Tony from Whittier, California.
03:23Pay attention, idiot.
03:25I'm sorry.
03:27Dear Walter, time and time again, I have filled out this sheet six times.
03:31You never answer my question, what gives?
03:34Let's skip that one.
03:46This is from Chris.
03:48It's Chris.
03:48It's a girl, Chris.
03:50Dear Walter, you read this.
03:51Dear Walter, after nine and a half years, my boyfriend still hasn't popped the question.
03:58Let's just poop the question.
04:00Chris, you need to learn the style, I think.
04:09How the hell do you poop the question?
04:11I guess you should listen from the other end.
04:24Dear Walter, why don't chicken breasts have nipples?
04:26I guess because if they got too cold, they poke a hole in the package.
04:50New from the colonel, chicken and tits.
04:52Dear Walter, what is one of Jeff's deepest, darkest secrets?
05:03Oh, he has a sex blow-up doll.
05:06No, I don't.
05:07Yes, you don't?
05:08No, yeah.
05:08And the sick part is he makes her talk.
05:16And boy, does she lie.
05:17Will you stop it?
05:22Dear Walter, what was your favorite toy as a child?
05:25Dirt.
05:27And we were happy.
05:31Kids nowadays, they had too much.
05:33They got the internet, they got video games, computer crap.
05:36Hell, they're even passing out condoms in high schools.
05:39Did you know that?
05:40Yeah, good God.
05:41When I was that age, we had to walk five miles to get a condom.
05:48Uphill.
05:49In the snow.
05:51With a boner.
05:53Oh, stop.
05:54All right, I threw this one away because I thought it was kind of over the line, but
06:07I think we've crossed that a couple of times.
06:10You read it.
06:11Why?
06:11I just can't.
06:12You read it.
06:12All right, I don't care.
06:14Dear Walter, why is it that I gag when I brush my tongue, but not when I give my boyfriend
06:20oral sex?
06:21Well, obviously, your toothbrush is bigger.
06:31And that's Walter.
06:32There we go, all right?
06:34So you told me you've been getting on the computer a lot lately.
06:36Oh, yeah, and they're getting on Facebook.
06:38What?
06:39You get on Facebook.
06:40Yeah, what do you do on Facebook?
06:41I like getting on there and de-friending everybody possible.
06:45Why?
06:46Just so they don't wonder what the hell they did wrong.
06:48It's funny as hell.
06:51That's not nice.
06:52No, if it was nice, it wouldn't be funny as hell.
06:55I did actually lose a friend on Facebook the other day without defriending him.
06:59How's that?
07:00Well, an old buddy of mine posted that his wife died.
07:02Oh.
07:03I clicked like.
07:10Then I posted, mine's still alive, sad face.
07:16So you're getting into social networking.
07:18Yeah, a little bit.
07:19You know what I don't understand is why young couples today keep nude photos of themselves
07:24on their phones and then texting to each other.
07:26What the hell?
07:28When I was young and dating my wife, I never thought, she's so beautiful.
07:31I'm going to marry her.
07:32The first thing I'm going to send her to is text her like balls.
07:35People ask me all the time if my show is family friendly.
07:45What am I supposed to say now?
07:47It depends on your family.
07:49Well, since you've gone there, do you and your wife have a decent love life?
08:03Oh, she does things to mix it up now and then.
08:05Really?
08:05Yeah, she thought a pair of handcuffs.
08:07Really?
08:07Yeah.
08:08Like, I need another reminder that I'm serving a life sentence.
08:14Handcuffs in our age.
08:15That's like 50 shades of old and gray.
08:19So is there a good communication between you two?
08:22I guess.
08:22The other night she said, your lips say no, but your eyes say yes.
08:27What did you say?
08:28I have glaucoma.
08:32So how's the actual love life?
08:33You mean sex?
08:34Yes.
08:35It's always doggy style.
08:36Walter?
08:37Yeah, she rolls over and plays dead.
08:44Then I just lick myself and go to sleep.
08:49I'm sorry.
08:53Walter?
08:55Come on.
08:55Good comedy is where you can paint vivid pictures in everybody's heads.
09:00That was a f***ing hand.
09:01Go.
09:02Yes, it was.
09:03Say goodnight, Walter.
09:04Thanks, everybody.
09:05That's all.
09:06There we go.
09:09Shut the hell up.
09:10Walter, happy to be here.
09:16Oh, overjoyed.
09:19Last week I was lying on a beach in Maui and I couldn't decide, gee, should I stay in Hawaii
09:23or go to fricking Santa Ana?
09:29My God, I can die happy now.
09:33Fine city.
09:34I don't give a damn.
09:35What's wrong with you?
09:41I don't know.
09:42It's hot as hell outside.
09:44My skin's all dry and itchy.
09:47You put me in a sweater.
09:49Sure as hell not going to ask you for lotion.
09:51You know, you don't have to do this.
10:06Yeah, I can get a real job.
10:07What would you do?
10:09I want to be a greeter at Walmart.
10:11What the hell's so funny?
10:26At Walmart, what would be your opening line?
10:28Oh, welcome to Walmart.
10:30Get your shit and get out.
10:31Have a nice day.
10:44Anything else wrong?
10:46I don't know.
10:47My wife and I couldn't find any place to park anywhere near this stinking joint.
10:52And some jerk pulled up and a brand new Mercedes goes right in a handicapped spot.
10:56He got out of the car and there's nothing wrong with him.
10:58Don't you hate that?
10:59Yeah.
11:00So I ran his ass over.
11:09I made an honest man out of him.
11:14And his mother got out the other side and started swinging her crutches at me.
11:23Took her out with the door.
11:26Don't you feel kind of bad?
11:28Oh, hell ain't carpool.
11:30Good thing the police didn't see you.
11:32I ain't afraid of the cops around Santa Ana.
11:34Have you seen some of these guys?
11:36What?
11:36Cops on bicycles.
11:38What's wrong with that?
11:39How intimidating is this?
11:40All right, buddy.
11:41Pull it over.
11:41Gene, gene.
11:42Gene, gene.
11:43Gene, gene.
11:43What are they doing?
11:51They arrest somebody.
11:52All right.
11:52In the basket.
11:57Yes, ladies.
11:58I wrote that joke.
11:59Yeah, you can tell the rookie cops they got playing cards in their spokes.
12:14Because everybody was coming in tonight, they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question.
12:19Yeah, so before the show started, I grabbed a small handful.
12:22I think you should answer them.
12:23I don't give a damn.
12:26You're the pal here in a blue shirt in the front row.
12:28Did you fill one out?
12:29Hello?
12:33Did you fill one out?
12:39Where are you going?
12:40Sit the hell down.
12:45You bastard, this is TV.
12:49What the hell?
13:01Think he's going to take a piss?
13:08These are extensive tickets, extensive setup, a lot of production.
13:12Yeah, divide it all up.
13:14If he's gone for three minutes, he's taking a $600 piss.
13:19Dumbass.
13:30Is he coming back?
13:33Okay.
13:35We'll wait.
13:36Right.
13:43Okay.
13:43Okay.
13:54What's that guy's first name?
14:22Mike!
14:22Mike, dumbass.
14:26Are the speakers hooked up in the bathroom?
14:28Yes, ma'am.
14:29Oh, Mike!
14:34They're waiting for you, Mike!
14:38Kinda tough to go with all this pressure, isn't it, Mike?
14:44Mike!
14:47Get out!
14:50Mike's taking a long time.
14:54Could be having trouble.
14:57What does Mike do for a living?
15:01Transportation.
15:03He does transportation?
15:07What the hell does that mean?
15:10Medical transportation.
15:12Medical transportation?
15:14What the fuck is that?
15:19Welcome back, dumbass.
15:23Mike, could you hear us in there?
15:29I can't hear you.
15:30Oh, you couldn't?
15:31Well, we could hear you.
15:32I can't hear you.
15:33Oh, you couldn't?
15:34I can't hear you.
15:35I can't hear you.
15:36Oh, you couldn't?
15:37Well, we could hear you.
15:38I can't hear you.
15:39I can't hear you.
15:40You didn't wash your hands.
15:41I can't hear you.
15:42I can't hear you.
15:43Oh, you couldn't?
15:44I can't hear you.
15:45Yeah.
15:46Somebody pulled his string, he's not talking.
15:48Mike, could you hear us in there?
15:51I can't hear you.
15:52I can't hear you.
15:53You couldn't?
15:54Well, we could hear you.
15:55You didn't wash your hands.
15:59You didn't wash your hands.
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