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Standup Comedy
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00:00I had a bit of a panic before I came out because I thought, I think my wrists are getting thinner.
00:05I'm losing weight on my wrists.
00:06And then I realized, look at these cuffs on this shirt, which is, you know, where is this shirt from?
00:11A discount outlet.
00:13But look, there's adjustable cuffs.
00:17You can have a cuff this size or there's another button there, which I'm trying to get it onto because I've got thin...
00:22I have wrists like a girl.
00:23But you can put it on a tighter, you know, thing.
00:29So adjustable, in case you put on weight in your...
00:32Who thought of this rubbish?
00:35Why do you need adjustable cuffs?
00:37Do people get fat in their wrists?
00:39What could possibly build up your wrists?
00:41Oh, no.
00:48In that case, my wrists shouldn't be as thin as they are.
00:52Did I tell you this?
00:53I once met Bjorn Borg in the 80s.
00:55You know, the tennis player.
00:56I did tell you.
00:57I'll tell you again.
00:57I met Bjorn Borg in the 80s.
01:00There's a lot of stuff I have to say twice because I'm old.
01:05Do you know what else I do?
01:07I'm really getting really geysery about this.
01:10The other day, like this is how old I'm getting.
01:12I was in the...
01:13I was going to the supermarket and there were pigeons outside the supermarket and I got angry at them.
01:19When you get angry at pigeons, you're getting on.
01:25I was like, pigeons, what are the hell?
01:28Get out of here!
01:33Oh, yeah.
01:33I met Bjorn Borg.
01:35And I met him in a nightclub.
01:36Because I don't play tennis.
01:37I know I might say it later on that I do, but I don't.
01:40And the...
01:41But I met him in a nightclub and he had one big giant tennis playing arm and one little
01:49arm like that.
01:51You know, he's like a crab that lost a fight.
01:52Do you ever play tennis?
01:57Oh, yeah, yeah.
01:58I used to play with him all the time.
02:00Who, Bjorn Borg?
02:01Oh, yeah.
02:01Do you know who plays tennis?
02:03Who?
02:04Well, you should know if you play tennis.
02:06Who?
02:06Do you know who plays tennis?
02:07Yeah, John McEnroe.
02:10Yeah, he was a tennis player.
02:11I'm talking about Hollywood celebrities.
02:13Oh, wow.
02:15Gary Busey?
02:16No, he doesn't.
02:18He might.
02:19He could.
02:20Well, he could.
02:21You know, if he turned up, they'd be like, yeah, on you go then.
02:24No, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow probably plays.
02:26Is that right?
02:27I don't know.
02:27I don't know her.
02:33But I've decided I'm going to talk about her after the break.
02:35Oh, yeah, that's great.
02:36That's a great idea.
02:37Because it's Americans love her.
02:44What the hell?
02:44You don't?
02:46Why not?
02:47Who's your favorite celebrity then?
02:49One knock for A.
02:53Oh.
02:55A.
02:58A.
02:58A?
03:04Wow.
03:04I thought you'd say one knock for A, two knocks for B, and so on until 26 knocks for Z, you see?
03:09And that would be how the horse would communicate.
03:11And then I thought, well, that's going to take a long time.
03:13Man, it's more crap than usual tonight, I guess.
03:16Yeah, yeah.
03:16Well, I like to keep it extra crappy.
03:20Yeah, yeah.
03:21Yeah.
03:22I know, we have to go to the commercial break.
03:23We really do.
03:24I know.
03:24I mustn't.
03:25Did I tell you I met Bjorn Borg?
03:26It's been a long, long day, and you've got the Sandman at the door.
03:39But hang on, leave the TV on, and let's do it anyway.
03:44The Late Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson, sponsored by IHOP's new Brioche French Toast.
04:08It's Amor at First Byte.
04:15Ladies and gentlemen, Craig Ferguson.
04:18Welcome to Los Angeles, California.
04:47Welcome to the Late Late Late Show, I'm your host, Steve Craig Ferguson.
04:49That's enough, everybody.
04:50Thanks.
04:51No, no, it's fine.
04:53Quietly.
04:53It's fine.
04:56I know.
04:57Quietly.
04:59Thanks, everybody.
05:00That's great.
05:00Enough.
05:03It's fine.
05:04It's fine.
05:04It's fine.
05:05I know, everyone.
05:06I know, I know you have been frightened into behaving like that.
05:12I know the sweaty warm-up comedian, we call him a comedian, he's not really a comedian,
05:16but I know that he said, you better laugh, and when he says, don't applaud, you better
05:21applaud, or you'll get, bleh.
05:25Yeah, it's, you know, I'm just doing that, it's just that, well, I don't really mean it.
05:32We would never hurt an audience member who wasn't phony, enthusiastic, we would.
05:40No, we wouldn't.
05:41We might.
05:42But, luckily, the people here are genuinely enthusiastic about being here.
05:53Yeah.
05:59All right, all right, save it, it's a pretty weak show.
06:03However, it's a great day for America, everybody.
06:05I'll tell you why, it is, it's Superman's birthday today.
06:14Happy birthday, Superman.
06:15Yeah, the, the first Superman comic came out on this day in 1938.
06:22So, happy birthday, Superman.
06:23I spent today walking around with my underpants on outside of my trousers.
06:29Then I found out it was Superman's birthday.
06:34Yes.
06:35He's 75 years old, you can tell, the last time he tried to leap a tall building in a
06:40single bound, he got his balls snagged on an antenna.
06:49Getting your balls snagged, is that a...
06:52Yeah, that's a thing.
06:53That's a thing, yeah.
06:56I know what you're thinking.
06:57I know what you're thinking.
06:58I do know what you're thinking.
07:01What am I, what about, what are they thinking, Jeff?
07:04These people better laugh, or I'm going to cut their throats.
07:10That's a little too much, man.
07:12Yeah, sure, man.
07:13No, I know what you're thinking.
07:14You're thinking, Craig, what's the latest from Hollywood?
07:20Because when people watch this show, they're like, Craig, what's the latest from Hollywood?
07:23Well, I'll tell you.
07:26Last night in Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston was seen at a movie premiere, and she had red
07:30cupping marks on her back.
07:35That's a little over the top, wasn't it?
07:37Is it because I did the gesture?
07:39Yeah, yeah.
07:39Do the...
07:39No, it seems Jennifer Aniston is into the latest Hollywood craze, which is cupping.
07:50It's an actual thing, cupping.
07:53It's an ancient form of medicine.
07:54You put cups on your skin, and you heat it up, and it creates suction.
07:57It's very similar to what I do with my vacuum cleaner with the proper mouth suction.
08:00But that doesn't go on my back.
08:04It goes on my carpet.
08:12Hey, I never said a damn thing.
08:14I didn't...
08:15I...
08:15No!
08:16Wait.
08:17I...
08:18I...
08:18Yes, applaud your own dirty mind.
08:20I...
08:20I never said...
08:22I didn't even say, it's my carpet.
08:24Like that.
08:25I didn't even do it like that.
08:26I just said, I use a vacuum cleaner on my carpet.
08:28And you were all like, oh...
08:30Anyway, cupping therapy is supposed to be very healing.
08:34A lot of celebrities do it.
08:35Do we have a picture of what it looks like?
08:37Yeah, on the back.
08:38See, there.
08:39I think that's...
08:40I think that's going with the powder.
08:41Is it?
08:41Let's see it from the front.
08:42Is that going...
08:43Yeah, yeah.
08:50I'd never do that cupping thing.
08:51If someone approaches me with a hot cup, there'd better be soup in it.
08:54It's because I'm old, you see.
09:01Well, just pour it on the carpet.
09:08Anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow is really into cupping.
09:10Do you know this week in Star Magazine, which I never miss...
09:12What?
09:13The lightest from Hollywood.
09:14That the...
09:15Star Magazine named Gwyneth Paltrow the most hated celebrity in America.
09:20I was like, oh, that's not fair.
09:22Come on.
09:23I'm sure there's other countries that hate her, too.
09:30Cupping therapy is very popular, of course, here in Hollywood.
09:33Because people love it because it's from somewhere else and it's been around for a long time.
09:37It's been around for thousands of years, so it must be very good.
09:40You think, well, it's practically illegal to get old here, so why in Hollywood are old people shunned, but old ideas embraced?
09:51It is because we are shallow douchebags.
09:56Do you know the cupping, actually, they do it in China...
10:00Not in China.
10:01Ancient Egypt, they did cupping.
10:04They did a lot of stuff that we do today in Ancient Egypt.
10:07They used to wear eye makeup and take drugs.
10:10They did.
10:12Do you know what, in Ancient Egypt, that eye makeup, when you always see the Ancient Egypt and they're all like that with their eye makeup.
10:17That's for the sand.
10:19They put the eye makeup on to protect them from the wind blowing from the sand.
10:23And they took opium because of pain.
10:25Because they had, they used to eat this bread.
10:29And when they made the bread, the sand from the desert went in it.
10:31They would wear their teeth down.
10:33So they would take opium and they had bad teeth and they had makeup on.
10:36It was like me in the 80s, Ancient Egypt.
10:37They were just all of that.
10:42That's all true.
10:49All caused by sandy bread.
10:51By the way, sandy bread is my favorite lesbian folk singer.
11:00You ever see sandy bread?
11:02Oh, she's great.
11:02She's fantastic.
11:03I got her at Lilith Fair, I think.
11:05Oh, she was amazing.
11:06Yeah, she was great.
11:07That song she sang, what was that again?
11:09Glass in My Gluten.
11:13Is that the...
11:13Glass in My Gluten.
11:14Oh, yes, sandy bread.
11:15Oh, yes, last...
11:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:17Very good.
11:17Yeah.
11:23Do you do cupping?
11:26Yeah, yeah.
11:28Wait.
11:30You were checking to see if your cups were on?
11:35And are they?
11:38Where are they on?
11:39Your carpet?
11:39Carpet?
11:39Carpet?
11:39Carpet?
11:39Carpet?
11:45Yeah, I think he snagged his balls.
11:52That's not really a thing.
11:53No, it's not a thing.
11:54It can happen, but it's not a thing.
11:56You know, I don't want people to think that I'm against cupping.
11:59I'm not, you know.
11:59I'm just like...
12:00I don't think it's crap.
12:01I think I said earlier there, it's crap.
12:03It's not crap.
12:04It's just a different thing.
12:05You can do it if you want.
12:06I'm like, I'm not judging you.
12:07It's all good.
12:10See, it doesn't give me anywhere to go when I'm like that, does it?
12:12You want to get us to the commercial?
12:17Yeah, I'd love to.
12:18All right.
12:18Yeah.
12:19Tonight's program is brought to you by How Sweet It Is To Be Leavened By You, the new album
12:23from lesbian folk singer Sandy Brad.
12:25Oh, Sandy Brad.
12:25Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:42Welcome back, everybody.
12:47Welcome back.
12:49Welcome back to the big show where tonight we're celebrating cupping.
12:54You ever had any cupping done?
12:56Oh, yeah.
12:57Yeah.
12:58A couple of times in...
12:59Where did you get it done?
13:00San Francisco.
13:03I meant on your body.
13:05Or is there an area of your body called San Francisco?
13:08Yes.
13:09I do that.
13:10I do that.
13:10I have parts of my body named after states.
13:12Oh, okay.
13:13Yeah.
13:13North Dakota, South Dakota, Florida.
13:21And I've named my testicles the Hawaiian Islands.
13:25Is that right?
13:26Yes, because they're getting further and further away from the rest of the body.
13:31Well, mahalo to your testicles.
13:34Oh, ho, ho.
13:35Aloha for mentioning the Hawaiian Islands.
13:39They put some flowers on your penis.
13:43Oh, a leaf.
13:44Yeah, sure.
13:45A leaf, yeah.
13:50It's pretty dirty tonight, isn't it?
13:51Yeah, yeah.
13:52I like it.
13:53Yeah, I'm kind of enjoying it.
13:54You all right with it?
13:55Been a dirty show?
13:59All right, this is...
14:00What time is it, Jeffrey Pearson?
14:01It's Tweet Mail time.
14:02Time to take advice from a man who berated several pigeons during the commercial break.
14:06I did seriously get angry at pigeons.
14:12I was like...
14:13What was upsetting to you about the pigeons?
14:18They were just all near me and everything.
14:22Their nearness was upsetting to you?
14:24Yeah, they were all near me.
14:25They were all kind of near me.
14:26They were all near me and...
14:27It's like, hey, get your own bit.
14:30They were like...
14:31I was like, you feathery bastards.
14:35You know, the thing is about pigeons, they want something.
14:38But they won't tell you what it is.
14:39They're passive aggressive.
14:40That's what it is.
14:41That's it.
14:42That's right.
14:44I look forward to your pigeon lobby emails.
14:48The pigeon lobby.
14:51Pigeon lobby, yeah.
14:53This is from Alexei in Roanoke in Virginia.
14:56Is it Roanoke or...
14:58That's the proper pronunciation.
15:02The proper pronunciation is...
15:04That's what Bruce Willis says in that movie.
15:14That's what they were going to have him say.
15:16That's right, that's right.
15:16Ra-o-can-e-bool-a-la is what he was going to say.
15:20That's right.
15:22He says it in the movie.
15:23I should be allowed to say it here.
15:26It's an American movie.
15:31You're no patriot, sir.
15:34Dear Craig and Jeff, I just turned 12.
15:37Uh-oh.
15:39My mom says I'm too young to watch your show because of all the ooh-la-las.
15:43But she said I could ask you and see what you say.
15:45So who is right?
15:45I'm afraid your mom is right.
15:48It's not because of all the ooh-la-las, though.
15:50It's because of the inappropriate sexual content.
15:58Consult your local provider.
16:03This is from Jacqueline in Calais in France.
16:06France?
16:07Ooh.
16:07Actually, ooh-la-la.
16:09Yeah, yeah.
16:12France, I'll do it in a French accent.
16:14People enjoy it.
16:15French people love that.
16:16Love it.
16:16You do their accent.
16:17They love it.
16:18They love it.
16:19Yeah.
16:19All right.
16:20Dear Craig and Jeff.
16:25It's like we're in France.
16:28Dear Craig and Jeff, do you believe it is acceptable for France to borrow money from France?
16:38I think it is fine as long as you keep your pigeons away from me.
16:51The pigeons have made my very angry.
16:59And finally, this is from Marissa in Philadelphia who says,
17:02Hi, Craig and Jeff.
17:02Oh, I'm sorry.
17:03We're out of time.
17:03We'll be right back, everybody.
17:31Welcome back, everybody.
17:32My next guest is a very talented actress.
17:33She stars in Once Upon a Time.
17:41Which airs Sunday nights on ABC.
17:43Please welcome the great Jennifer Goodwin, everybody.
17:45Jennifer Goodwin.
18:02You look great.
18:06You look sensational.
18:07You don't look great.
18:09No, I don't.
18:09Yes, you do.
18:10Oh, this old thing.
18:11That old thing.
18:12We should switch suits and we can just go back and forth.
18:14No, I think mine might be on the large side for you.
18:18You look great.
18:18I like this.
18:19What is that material?
18:20I don't know.
18:21It's like a snake.
18:22It's like a tree.
18:22It's like a tree.
18:22It's like a fabric.
18:23It's like a tree.
18:25Tree print.
18:26Tree print?
18:26Yeah, right?
18:28Would you make clothes out of trees?
18:30Would you make clothes out of trees?
18:32Yeah.
18:32Ay caramba.
18:33It'll be the next big thing.
18:34Did you just say, ay caramba.
18:35Oh.
18:36Ay caramba.
18:36It's Spice and three of my grandparents who are in their mid-90s are watching right now
18:42so I'm very sorry.
18:43Really?
18:43Yes.
18:43They are?
18:44Yes.
18:44They don't have cable?
18:45They watch live.
18:48They watch the show.
18:49They watch it when it airs.
18:51In the region?
18:52In the middle of the night.
18:53Yeah, it does.
18:54Yeah.
18:55Where do they live?
18:56They can hang.
18:56Memphis.
18:57Memphis, Tennessee.
18:58One of my grandmothers kept me up.
19:00Is there a Memphigan here?
19:01Last time I was here, there was a Memphian.
19:03Are you serious?
19:04Yeah.
19:04Are you from Memphis?
19:05Yeah, I'm from Memphis.
19:06I like Memphis.
19:07Right?
19:07Yeah, I had a good time when I was there.
19:09What did you do?
19:10Although, I was in the Peabody Hotel.
19:11Oh, yeah.
19:11And you know when they have the ducks that walk across the lobby?
19:13Oh, yeah.
19:14They made me angry.
19:15Really?
19:17You know you can sign up to be like their leader.
19:21Really?
19:22I mean.
19:22The duck leader.
19:23And you can get an army of ducks.
19:25You can be like the, and yeah, you have a cane and you, I don't know, you walk on a red carpet
19:29and you, what do you call that?
19:31What's like the parade?
19:32The parade of ducks.
19:33You know, but like the guy who leads the.
19:35The duck master?
19:36Yeah, he's like a duck master.
19:37Is that one of the old timey Batman villains?
19:40I'm the duck master.
19:41I am the duck master, Batman.
19:44You're going to quack to death.
19:48We should sign you up.
19:49Oh, no.
19:50Jeez.
19:51You know the hotel I'm talking about?
19:52Oh, I love that hotel.
19:53That's nice to tell, isn't it?
19:54Yeah, it's like the Memphis Hotel.
19:56Is it?
19:56Yeah.
19:57Oh, yeah.
19:57I know what you mean.
19:58Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:59You know what else I liked in Memphis was the, they've got these trams, little trams.
20:03Oh, yeah.
20:04I like that.
20:04Yeah, like from the 30s.
20:05It's wonderful there.
20:06Yeah, yeah.
20:07No, it's very nice.
20:08Although.
20:09Although.
20:09Although I don't get to go there enough.
20:13Is that the end of this?
20:13Yeah, yeah.
20:14That and I went to Graceland.
20:17Have you been to Graceland?
20:17Oh, yes.
20:18Wow.
20:18Wait, are you ready for this?
20:19Speaking of my grandparents, no joke.
20:21My grandmother almost bought Graceland before it.
20:24And it was called Graceland before Elvis moved in.
20:28It's not named after his mother.
20:29So Elvis didn't go, I'm going to call it Graceland.
20:31No.
20:32No.
20:32No.
20:33It was actually called Graceland?
20:34Yes.
20:34My grandmother's husband said he wanted to live there.
20:38And she wanted to live somewhere else.
20:39And he said, well, at least come see it.
20:41And her story is that she walked through Graceland.
20:44Because in Memphis, it's not Graceland.
20:45It's Graceland.
20:46Oh, right.
20:47And Graceland.
20:48Thank you very much for clearing that up.
20:49She walked through and got back in the car and didn't say a word.
20:52So they did not move.
20:53Really?
20:54She wanted to live in the country.
20:55So you come from clearly a very wealthy family.
20:58Well, my family, they built a lot of Memphis, I guess.
21:04Wow.
21:04Yeah.
21:04That's really something.
21:05It's kind of bananas.
21:06Yeah.
21:06Yeah.
21:07That's fantastic.
21:08Yeah.
21:09Wow.
21:11So you got a lot of money then?
21:12No, I wouldn't say that.
21:14Yeah, I would.
21:15I would.
21:16Like, if my family built Memphis, I'd be like, yeah, I got a lot of money.
21:20Yeah.
21:20No, I mean, I feel like my family always worked extremely hard to get as good as patients.
21:25I'm not saying they didn't work.
21:26Yeah, yeah, yeah.
21:27No, I wouldn't say we grew up wealthy.
21:28I would say that we were very blessed.
21:32That's the kind of thing that real...
21:34That's like Oprah would say that.
21:37That's how much money you've got Oprah money?
21:40Like, wow, I'm very blessed.
21:42Oh, my Lord!
21:45That's a lot of money, Jenny.
21:47No, I think...
21:48No, we...
21:48But it's clearly not had any detrimental effect on you.
21:51No, thank you.
21:51You can afford suits made out of tree butter.
21:55Special green trees.
21:56You do look great, though.
21:57You look slightly...
21:58It's quite dramatic, the look you've got going on.
22:00Oh, good.
22:01Yeah.
22:01Thanks.
22:02Yeah, it's a...
22:03What's this?
22:04Oh, I don't know.
22:05Jewelry?
22:06It's like a...
22:06It's like a jewelry fake ribbon studded thing with things on it.
22:11I don't know what it is.
22:12Well, why would you put it on your finger, then?
22:14Because...
22:14Here's a tip.
22:16Never put stuff on your fingers if you don't know what it is.
22:19You never do anything with your fingers that you don't know.
22:22Not anymore.
22:24In my ancient Egyptian days, I did.
22:26But...
22:27You ever been to Egypt?
22:30No, I'd love to go to Egypt.
22:31Oh, I'd like to go and see that.
22:32But I've never been.
22:34I'd like to go and see the pyramids.
22:35I would, too.
22:36Yeah, yeah.
22:36We should take a trip.
22:37We should go.
22:37No, let's go.
22:37Yeah, let's go.
22:38We'll wear suits.
22:39We'll wear suits?
22:40Yeah.
22:40I'm going to wear a kind of safari suit with a kind of like, you know, one of those...
22:43And I'll be like...
22:45And I'll walk behind you like with a...
22:48No, no, you should wear the tree bark thing.
22:51Oh, yeah.
22:51Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:52No, you'll be very dramatic.
22:53It's kind of got a little 20s thing going on.
22:56Oh, good.
22:57You know, is that what you're going for?
22:58I don't know what I was going for.
22:59I just liked that it looked like a tree.
23:05Like, sometimes I'll put something on and I'll be like, I look like an ice skater.
23:08That's what I'll wear today.
23:14I'd like to say I never do that.
23:16You like costumes, son!
23:17I do.
23:18I like...
23:18Do you think that's why you became an actor?
23:19Because you like dressing up?
23:21Absolutely.
23:21Because it clearly wasn't for the money.
23:23You don't need it.
23:23Or I just like it so much.
23:27Yeah, no.
23:28No, I love getting dressed up.
23:30I think a lot of actors really enjoy being other people.
23:34Well, having many of them, I can see their point.
23:37I feel like what I do for a living is like playing a house a lot in kindergarten, but getting
23:44paid to do it.
23:45So I'm like, yeah, I'll put some crazy coffee and like fly.
23:48If you can survive doing it and make a living, it's fantastic.
23:52Clearly, that doesn't matter to you.
23:53But you know, it's a lovely way to do it.
23:57Pretending things.
23:58It's just playing all the time.
23:59No, like this isn't acting at all.
24:04This is real.
24:05This is so real.
24:11Do you want to take a commercial break?
24:13Let's take a commercial break.
24:15Hmm.
24:16Yeah.
24:16Yeah?
24:17I don't know.
24:18Do we get a say?
24:20Yeah, well, we get a say to an extent.
24:22Yeah.
24:22You know, but when I stop talking after this next sentence, there's going to be a break.
24:26Even if I just keep interrupting?
24:27Yeah, it's not going to happen.
24:29What's this?
24:41Birthday present.
24:42No, I told you.
24:43It's not from me.
24:44No one else knows.
24:45Apparently someone does.
24:47And they also think you should celebrate.
24:49It was left outside the door this morning.
24:59What is it?
25:17That's great.
25:18Welcome back, everybody.
25:20I'm here with Jason.
25:21So in the show this year, you get a crown?
25:24I do.
25:24Well, it's my old crown.
25:25I get it back.
25:26What happened to it?
25:27I think I missed that episode.
25:28Yeah, no.
25:29It was...
25:29You know what?
25:31I have no idea what happened to it, but it reappears.
25:35Oh, that's kind of creepy, though.
25:37Yeah, I know.
25:38There's like a...
25:39Because we were cursed into forgetting who we were, we can kind of not have to fill in
25:43a big chunk of time with, like, what happened.
25:46I have that in the 1980s.
25:48I know exactly what you did.
25:49So, you, uh, but in the premise of the show, for the folk that haven't seen it, your storybook
25:58character, you're Snow White, but you've forgotten that you're Snow White.
26:01Exactly.
26:01And the first season I forgot, then I was reminded.
26:04But yeah, there's like this huge chunk of time in which we lived in Groundhog Day.
26:08Do you have dwarves?
26:08Oh, yes.
26:09Oh.
26:10Mm-hmm.
26:10I mean, they're like, they're like 5'7", 5'6", on our show.
26:15We didn't...
26:15That's not...
26:16They're not...
26:16They're not...
26:17No.
26:17No.
26:17No.
26:18Tom Cruise is 5'7".
26:19That's what...
26:19I...
26:20Wait.
26:20I literally say, I tell people all the time that we just have...
26:24We have seven Tom Cruise-sized actors.
26:26That's how I describe them.
26:28And then I'm sorry, every time I see it, that I am ruining my career.
26:32No, no, no, no.
26:33Being on this show is ruining your career.
26:37But, I have to tell you that even if you speak quietly...
26:40He can still hear you.
26:46Crikey-dingo!
26:48You see...
26:49Oh, listen, we're out of time.
26:54Quickly.
26:54Awkward pause.
26:58Let's pretend I'm a character from a fairy tale, and I don't know who I am.
27:02Oh, perfect.
27:03Right, you tell me who I am.
27:04Okay.
27:05No, no, really tell me who I am.
27:07Oh, really?
27:07Yeah.
27:07Oh, why don't you be Peter Pan?
27:09I'll be Peter Pan.
27:09Yeah.
27:14Is Peter Pan in, uh, in the...
27:17I forget, I didn't see that episode.
27:18No?
27:22Sorry, I'm ruining the awkward pause.
27:23No, no, you're not.
27:24Um, and they're, they're not that special, to be honest.
27:29Right, I'm being Peter Pan, and you be Snow White.
27:31Okay.
27:31Okay.
27:33Hmm?
27:33It's been a good one, everybody.
27:41Wear it right back.
28:12How to make reading fun.
28:19My next guest is a literary giant.
28:22Not literally a giant.
28:26I mean, he's a fair size.
28:28I mean, he's not.
28:29He's no Tom Cruise.
28:30But he's a great author.
28:34A truly great author.
28:35And the film adaptation of his book, Midnight's Children, opens on April 26th.
28:39My pal Salman Rushdie, everybody.
28:42First of all, I have to tell you, it's great to see you, but something a little bit creepy
29:03happened tonight.
29:04Like, behind Michael, the producer, there's a guy that looks really like you.
29:08I just noticed.
29:09Is he over there?
29:10Yeah.
29:10Look at that guy over there.
29:12Oh, my God.
29:14You know, actually, that is me.
29:19That is you?
29:20That is me.
29:20So you've sent, this is some kind of decoy?
29:23No, I'm the imposter.
29:25You're no imposter.
29:26Interview him.
29:29No.
29:29No.
29:31Hey, this is the first time you've been here for a movie.
29:34I know, really.
29:35Finally, finally, legit, you know, in L.A. with a movie.
29:38Yeah, that's it.
29:39Now you're really getting places with your career.
29:41Really, I have to tell you.
29:43This paper thing.
29:45No, so over.
29:46Yeah, kind of.
29:47Yeah, only sells.
29:48Do you read on actual books, or do you read on a Kindle, or a...
29:52I do both.
29:52Yeah, really?
29:53Yeah.
29:54But I wanted to tell you, before we talk about, you know, books.
29:56Okay.
29:56I wanted to say that I was struck when you were talking to the lovely lady dressed like a tree.
30:01Yes.
30:02How much we had in common, because not only have I been to Graceland and seen Elvis married by the pool.
30:08Right.
30:09But also, I have succumbed to cupping.
30:12Have you?
30:13I have.
30:16Now, on your carpet?
30:18Gwyneth and I.
30:22Not exactly on my carpet, no.
30:24But, you know, like Gwyneth, I too have been cupped.
30:29Well, then perhaps you could tell...
30:32Is it beneficial?
30:33Did it help you, do you think?
30:34It didn't help me.
30:35Right, right.
30:36I had this doctor, Chinese doctor in New York, with the interestingly unusual Chinese name of Dr. Lee.
30:43Oh, right, yeah.
30:45And he took these hot glasses and sticks them on your strudel.
30:53He's a literary giant!
30:57First Amendment!
30:58What's that coming to go?
30:59I tried, man.
31:04I tried.
31:06And, you know, afterwards, you look like somebody's tied you down and thrown hot baseballs at you.
31:12Really?
31:12Yeah, you have these sort of hot baseball marks all over you.
31:15It doesn't do a damn bit of good.
31:18I think we're going to be hearing from the cupping lobby, though, quite soon.
31:22Well, all I can say is, Dr. Lee, forget about it.
31:25All right, okay, well, fair enough.
31:26Well, what about this, then?
31:27Are you in the film?
31:29I'm not in the film as such.
31:31What do you mean as such?
31:31My voice is in the film.
31:33Oh, you narrate it?
31:34Yeah.
31:34Oh, nice.
31:34So the voiceover is me.
31:37That's kind of interesting.
31:38So I'm like the worst actor in the movie.
31:42Everybody else is really, really good.
31:44Now, the story, remind me, it's a while since I've read this, it's the kids who are born on the day of Indian independence.
31:51Yeah, they're born at midnight, you know, India became independent at midnight in August 1947.
31:5747, right.
31:57And it's about the kids who are born at that moment and have sort of magical powers as a result.
32:03So, you know, we showed the film at some film festivals and people came out and I heard them saying, oh, it's like the X-Men.
32:13Because, you know, they're mutants with magical powers.
32:17Right.
32:18So clearly I need to sue the X-Men.
32:22I'd be very careful about that.
32:25Yeah.
32:26I know, because there's things that come out of that.
32:28Right, yeah, exactly.
32:29And then they can do that thing with their eyes.
32:30They can do the thing, they can do terrible damage.
32:32What mutant powers do they have?
32:34Well, some of them are telepathic.
32:36I knew you were going to say that.
32:38Yeah.
32:43Some of them, Craig, have very powerful knees.
32:51That was interesting.
32:52That was like being cupped.
32:53You know, but less painful.
32:56Much more enjoyable.
32:57Yeah, no, I haven't been cupped in that way.
33:00I, um, well, this is lovely.
33:04I like it.
33:04Are you going to go into movies now?
33:06Are you going to, like, action movies perhaps?
33:08I thought, well, now that the whole X-Men thing has started.
33:10Right, I think it's been going for a while.
33:12But you can get in, I'm sure.
33:13Maybe I could do.
33:14Maybe they want me to write.
33:14With the power of literacy.
33:18Yes.
33:19Midnight's X-Men.
33:20Midnight's X-Men.
33:20I don't think you should.
33:21X-Men's children.
33:23Are you going to write a sequel?
33:24You'll write a sequel.
33:25I bet you if this makes a ton of money, you'll write.
33:26I'm never writing a sequel.
33:27Made a lot of money.
33:28I'll just do one.
33:29I think, I mean, I think of it as the beginning of a franchise, really.
33:34Yeah.
33:34It's like Harry Potter, but, you know.
33:36Yes.
33:36It's like Harry Potter, only different.
33:38Right, okay.
33:39Did you read the Harry Potter books?
33:41I did.
33:41They're rather good, I thought.
33:42They're not bad.
33:43Yeah.
33:43And a few people liked them, I heard.
33:45Yeah, they did.
33:46They did okay.
33:48Yeah, they did.
33:48Yeah.
33:49Oh, you would say that, Simon.
33:50You're obviously a Hufflepuff.
33:53Listen.
33:55You know, until this moment, I've always liked you.
33:57Oh, come now.
33:59Would you consider yourself a Gryffindor?
34:02Really, you think there's any question?
34:05No.
34:05I'm just messing around with you.
34:07Do you have a hat?
34:07Do you have a hat, by the chance?
34:09A sorting hat?
34:10Yeah.
34:10I wish I had.
34:11Oh, I wish I had a sorting hat.
34:12Yeah, I think you'd need maybe a memo to a props department.
34:17Props department?
34:20It's a guy called Eddie that does his best with ten bucks a show.
34:23It's not a props department.
34:27Well, Eddie then.
34:28Yeah, well, I'll mention it.
34:29Eddie, get a sorting hat.
34:34Have you got one?
34:35Yes, sir.
34:35Okay.
34:38It probably won't be here for tonight.
34:39He's quick, though.
34:40Oh, Eddie's the best.
34:41What he can do with ten dollars and a bit of sticky tape is amazing.
34:47So, what are you working on now, then?
34:49Are you writing another book?
34:50I'm trying to.
34:50What about a graphic novel?
34:52I'd like to, you know.
34:53Yeah, you should do that.
34:54Yeah, I'd like to.
34:54I think you enjoy that.
34:55Everybody else I know does it, so why not me?
34:57Yeah, you do it.
34:58And I'll do the drawings.
35:02You just rejected me.
35:05I've just tried to find a way of saying that that's a really good idea.
35:08Without actually saying it.
35:12Which I don't actually think.
35:16But, yes.
35:17No, no, no.
35:18I've been following you.
35:19You've been very quiet on Twitter recently.
35:21Yes, I've got bored.
35:22You got bored with Twitter?
35:23Yeah.
35:24I have a little bit.
35:25You know, I just suddenly thought, no.
35:27It's not so much the tweeting out, it's the tweeting back that kind of gets me sometimes.
35:35And also, I thought 140 characters is not much.
35:38Not for a guy who writes these.
35:40Yeah.
35:41I mean, if you're normal, the breath you take comes out at 600 pages.
35:46Yeah.
35:47140 characters is a little limiting.
35:50Well, for great books, it would never have been written if, you know, great authors like,
35:53it was the best of times, happy face.
35:55That's it.
35:58But you can have, truthfully.
36:00I like that idea.
36:01Yes.
36:02If you're Dickens, of course, you can do a sequence, you know.
36:04You can do it with the best of times.
36:05Well, he did do that, right?
36:07It was the way he published his books in serial form.
36:10So, maybe if you just squash the serial a bit down from 30 pages at a time to 140 characters,
36:17Dickens could have done it.
36:17When you're having breakfast, do you squash your serial?
36:22I have 140 characters to do it for me.
36:27So, 140 characters come into your house and press your Cheerios.
36:32140 characters rush into the room and squash my serial.
36:37This is sex code.
36:41Don't tell them that.
36:42No.
36:43They think I'm kidding.
36:44They're not supposed to know it.
36:45No, I don't.
36:46Hey, listen, we're out of time, which seems a great shame.
36:51Shame.
36:51Yeah, yeah.
36:52Well, you know, ask me more often.
36:53Well, you can come here anytime you like.
36:55All right.
36:55I'll be back tomorrow.
36:56Okay.
36:58Who's on tomorrow?
36:59I'll fire him.
37:00Harrison Ford's on tomorrow.
37:01You'll have to go second guest.
37:03Yes.
37:03Harrison Ford and I got an award together at a film festival in San Francisco, the Bay Area,
37:08San Jose.
37:09Really?
37:09And I thought, yeah, we were co-recipients of this thing called the Maverick Spirit Award.
37:14And I thought, well, if that's, if he is Han Solo, that makes me Chewbacca.
37:22So, maybe, maybe.
37:25Let me ask you a little bit about, uh, about awards, though.
37:28See, there's, uh, like, do you, these awards, like these, uh, the Maverick Spirit Award?
37:32Yes.
37:32Do you some, because this happens to me sometimes.
37:34They say, we'd like to offer you this award.
37:36Will you come to our festival?
37:37And I say, no, I can't make it.
37:38But I'll take the award.
37:39They're like, no, you can't have the award.
37:40Unless you come to the festival.
37:42You have to show up.
37:43Yeah, yeah.
37:43Yeah.
37:43That's not an award, then.
37:45No, it's a bribe.
37:46Yeah, it's a bribe.
37:47Yeah, exactly.
37:48Well.
37:48It's all right.
37:49Glad it happens to you, then.
37:50We need those.
37:51I'll take bribe.
37:51I'll take you, me too.
37:52Yeah, yeah.
37:53We're out of time.
37:54Do you fancy a quick, awkward pause now you're an actor?
37:57All right.
37:57All right, then.
38:01Wow, that's very good, actually.
38:03My daughter is not going to flaunt her body under the nose of any Tom Dicker, for that matter Aziz.
38:25What does the lady complain of?
38:27My poor child has terrible, too, dreading stomachache.
38:30In that case, may I examine her?
38:33Yes, Nassim.
38:34Stomach pronto.
38:35You're having this.
38:50May I?
38:51Yeah, yes, you can.
38:53We've learned on the show tonight, Greg.
39:01Sacre bleu!
39:06Not really a sorting hat, is it, Eddie?
39:09Or is it?
39:13Slytherin.
39:14Hufflepuff.
39:27Adorable.
39:28Good night, everybody.
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