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CinemaJourney
  • 6/20/2025
#CinemaJourney

Category

😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Cat Lady loves playing with string.
00:08Meow.
00:14Yikes. What a mess.
00:16Time to scoop the station's litter box.
00:22So many toys to play with.
00:24It's like catnip.
00:26Gosh, am I just IDK, laying on the cat stuff too thick?
00:29No, Jenna. No. Stop it.
00:31You're the cat lady.
00:32It would be weird if you didn't act like a cat.
00:34Though giving myself a tongue bath was a bit much.
00:40This is good.
00:42Dog person.
00:59Listen up.
01:02The only thing more embarrassing than the police station being a crime scene is how dirty this evidence locker is.
01:11So we ain't leaving until it's clean.
01:13Well, let's hurry this up.
01:14It's ladies night at JNCOs and you know what that means.
01:16Summers, activate free drink robot boobs.
01:18Hey, my eyes are up here.
01:22But also down here.
01:24My nipples are body cams.
01:26Can't make it tonight.
01:27I've got a hot date with some socks that need ironing.
01:30I'd shine them if that were possible.
01:32Winona, you coming to ladies night?
01:34With the things I've done, I'm not sure I qualify as a lady.
01:37Robot need love.
01:40Come closer.
01:41We've got to do something about the fungus monster.
01:44Maybe we should poison it.
01:46Mary Elizabeth, Master Antonio.
01:48Is that what I think it is?
01:49Indeed.
01:50Also, hi.
01:51Gather round my impeccably diverse group of friends as I tell you a one-act tale of how I helped Flute discover his crime mind.
02:01Between stints as a middle school teacher and criminal mastermind,
02:05I briefly Moonlit is the headmaster of a training program for the best of the elite of the creme de la cremiest of detectives in training.
02:13Welcome to Top Dick!
02:15Which I cannot stress enough as a perfectly acceptable word for me to use in this context.
02:20The competition is on to see who amongst you is the best detective here.
02:24May the best man or only woman win.
02:28Good luck, Ice Queen, but I'm winning this.
02:31I come from a long line of men who have taken Top Dick.
02:34Really, Maverick? You strike me more as a bottom.
02:37I'd strike your bottom, but I can't bend down that far.
02:40Hey, that's my partner! You can't talk to a woman like that!
02:43Actually, I can.
02:44Because it's 2003 where this kind of sexist banter was allowed and often high-fived.
02:48Up top!
02:49I've got to ask you what I want to think I'm hearing.
02:53I'm not sure of what I'm seeing.
02:55By the power vested in me by the state of wherever we are, I will avenge you!
02:59By the power vested in me
03:12By the state of wherever we are
03:13I will avenge you
03:16Good night, sweet prince
03:18Why, duck, why?
03:22I can only assume it was because you didn't listen to me
03:24Had you done so, you certainly wouldn't be dead
03:26So this is all
03:27Your fault
03:30I bet I know the last thing that this guy saw
03:39This fig is like Nick Cage's IMDB page
03:44The further up your luck
03:46The messier things get
03:48To have any chance of winning
03:54Flood and his wingman goose
03:56I mean duck
03:58Needed to ace the sexy foolable competition
04:00That fate
04:01Like my fellow teachers when I suggest we get fondue
04:05Had other plans
04:06Talk to me, duck
04:21Why didn't you duck when I said duck, duck?
04:26Is it because you thought I was saying your name when I was actually using the verb form of the word duck?
04:30Because that would mean this is all
04:32My fault!
04:36Can I use this one for the dead partner competition?
04:41You're too late
04:42I quit and turned in my badge
04:44A good detective never lets his partner die
04:46Perhaps you didn't let him die
04:49Perhaps he was murdered
04:51But there was no evidence of murder
04:53You may very well be top dick
04:55But how will anyone see it when you hide behind evidence and rules and freshly ironed trousers?
05:01Allow me inside
05:02And I can help you grow beyond your wildest dreams by embracing the chaos
05:07That lies in the deepest darkest corners of your mind
05:11You mean the part of my brain where I keep the memory of my best friend Eli teaching me how to masturbate on the safety patrol trip to DC?
05:19Um
05:20I want to hear about that, I do
05:22I really, really do
05:23But come with me
05:25That's what Eli said
05:26Enough with Eli!
05:28The best detectives are able to access something I call the subconscious clue detecting neural framework
05:34Or
05:35Skidness
05:36Too many words for me
05:37What about crime mind?
05:39Yeah, whatever
05:40Drink this to relax
05:42Pass
05:43I don't drink alcohol
05:44Then you'll never be a great detective
05:46Or accepted socially
05:47I guess one drink can't hurt
05:49You must look beyond the clues
05:56Preferably through a pop culture lens
05:58Follywood
06:00Deserted Beach
06:01Find the connection and you will find Duck's Killer
06:03Please you have to help me
06:06But I need to solve Duck's murder
06:08Ho ho
06:09Wilson
06:10Oh dear god it's him
06:12He wants to put a wig on me and do unspeakable things
06:15But he's our generation's finest actor
06:17And SNL host
06:18Yes but when we're alone out here
06:21He fills me with his
06:22Poison
06:23Ew
06:25Oh poison
06:27Wilson
06:28Oh god he's coming
06:30Oh hey there friend
06:32Did you see a little sex ball rolling around here?
06:35About ankle high
06:36Straw hair
06:37Got a butt you can bounce a coconut off of
06:40National treasure Tom Hanks may have been intimate with a sports ball?
06:45Hmm still makes more sense than cloud Atlas
06:47Yes connect the dots
06:50Make sense of the senseless
06:52Poison
06:54Duck
06:56Motive
06:57Murder
07:00Whiskey
07:03Neat make it a double
07:05As the winner it's an honor to prove that chicks can also be dicks
07:12Not so fast
07:13Duck wasn't killed by the impact of the volleyball
07:15It was the poison your partner put inside it to prevent me from taking the prize
07:20I only did it to protect our lead
07:22But how did you know?
07:23A weird old man in a far too small small white towel taught me that things aren't always as they
07:27Scream
07:29Now that I have molded fruit into my perfect nemesis
07:40A little game of cat and mouse was about to dot dot dot begin
07:45And I knew the perfect way to celebrate
07:48Hi
07:49I'm looking for Eli
07:51Perhaps we shouldn't be using the fungus monster at the garbage disposal
08:01He's getting positively musky and in size
08:04Elon Musk isn't fat he just has a Pixar mom's ass
08:08Hold on
08:08Now this brings back memories
08:10Time to tell the tale of why I first left Grimsburg
08:13Another story about you?
08:15Are there any other kind?
08:16The year was years ago
08:18I was crushing it as a detective with my crime mind
08:20But I was about to lose my regular mind
08:22I had hit the middle age trifecta
08:24Got married
08:25Got a kid
08:25Got divorced
08:26With Harmony and her kid out of the way
08:31I could finally focus on my one true love
08:33Hiding from my problems in the world
08:35Got him
08:36That's 50 busts this week
08:39What do you need me to solve next, Kang?
08:41Unless you want to start murdering people and lying to yourself about it
08:43There are no more cases
08:44You solve them all
08:46What?
08:46There has to be more
08:47Crime never stops
08:48Just like sharks and emails from Costco
08:50Maybe try solving what's going on with you, Flute
08:53Spend time with your son
08:54Or sunbathing
08:56Or bathing
08:57Anything regarding hygiene, really
08:59I had no problem taking a break from crime
09:02But I wouldn't let one pass me by if I saw it
09:05Hey, we don't take too kindly to drifters in this town
09:11If I were you, I'd turn around, Tom Petty
09:13Wait, Tom Petty?
09:16I'm a huge fan
09:17I lost my virginity to your music
09:19And my car keys
09:20I think you're confused, officer
09:22Then why did you look up when I said your name?
09:24Because I thought you said
09:26Tim, Petty
09:27Which is my very real name
09:29Uh-huh
09:30And what's in your bag, Tim?
09:32This?
09:32This is just some guitar-shaped groceries
09:35Now if you'll excuse me
09:36Look, I've had a real rough go of it lately
09:39And your music saved me before
09:41Maybe you've got a song that could help
09:42Preferably a classic and not a new one I can't hum along to
09:45I'm not who you think I am
09:48Then let's go down to the station and let your fingerprints prove it
09:51You do that, and you're drawing first blood
09:53That's a war you don't want
09:55Why's that?
09:56Because you won't back down?
09:58No, I won't back down
10:00So you'll stand your ground?
10:02I won't be turned around
10:04Yeah, baby
10:07What?
10:08What?
10:09Book this man on two counts of telling me he's not Tom Petty
10:12I'm not
10:13Make it three counts
10:14That's not a punishable offense
10:16Flute, you can't keep hiding in your work like a woman in a Hallmark movie
10:20It's not him
10:22How do you know?
10:23Because he passed away two weeks ago
10:25What?
10:25But that's impossible
10:26He's right
10:27There
10:28You're making a case where there's not one
10:33Let it go
10:34When my wife told me it was over, I didn't fight it
10:36When you told me to take some time off, I did as told
10:38And when my doctor told me it was actually my accountant
10:40I accepted it and put my clothes back on
10:42But I'm done letting things go
10:44Tom Petty is alive and I won't stop until I prove it
10:47Cue montage
10:48Please
10:50Oh, my God.
11:20Damn you, Tom Petty.
11:44Damn you and your torpedoes!
11:47Petty may have gone absolutely goblet mode on us, but he's about to break. I can feel it.
11:55You don't know how it feels.
11:58If that's who you say he is, then you're dealing with the first ballot rock and roll hall of famer.
12:03Those words are nothing to a man who spent half his life on a tour bus.
12:07You can't save him.
12:07Oh, I didn't come here to rescue him from you.
12:11I came here to rescue you from Tom Petty.
12:14He's from Florida.
12:15As much as I'd love to see you die, I don't mess with Florida.
12:19He's coming for revenge.
12:21Try not to bleed out my office.
12:29Before you kill me, can you tell me one thing?
12:32Am I playing this right?
12:35Ugh, just give me that.
12:37You're so bad.
12:39Have you ever changed these strings?
12:40Just admit who you are.
12:42Why do you care?
12:43Because I need to know. Seems like the guy who wrote the song, I Need to Know, should know that.
12:47And what if I am who you think I am? How does that help anything?
12:51Because if you're still alive, that means anything can come back. Anything.
12:55You're running down a dream. One that never will come to you.
12:59So you're working on a mystery. All these mysteries going wherever they lead.
13:03But at the end of the day...
13:06I'm running down a dream.
13:08You're right. I don't know what I'm doing lately.
13:11You got any other songs that might help?
13:13Time to move on. Into the great wide open. Learning to fly is always an option.
13:17I think I'll just go with Breakdown.
13:20What are you gonna do now?
13:21While I was blowing everything up, it seems like this is a pretty nice town.
13:25You should stay here, Tom P... Tim, Patty.
13:30You belong among the fireflowers.
13:34And sorry about those, by the way.
13:37Bad batch of fertilizer, I think.
13:38Oh, I belong among the fireflowers.
13:49Flute moved on to a motel with no TV.
13:55And I'm sorry about blowing up those officers.
14:00But they were trying to kill me.
14:09Enjoy your stay, Harmony Flute.
14:18I can't believe someone found a way to murder somebody with an aerobi.
14:23That's the 80s for ya!
14:26Microplastics.
14:27Wait, I found something that reminds me of a story, too.
14:30Is it a story about me?
14:31It's actually about me.
14:33Then let's keep looking.
14:34Oh, I love merry-go-rounds.
14:36Me, too.
14:37Except for this one time I basically died on one.
14:40Flashback mode, activate.
14:43It was a beautiful day at the park.
14:45Definitely not the kind of day you'd expect a massive explosion.
14:48That was fun, but I've got a split.
15:17You into a bunch of pieces.
15:21Will he make it?
15:27Hmm, doubtful.
15:28But there is an experimental new procedure that's astronomically expensive and has almost zero chance of success.
15:33Do it.
15:34We could only save the top half of his head.
15:37He'll need a digital mouth.
15:40Um, guys, we forgot to put back his penis.
15:44We could just stick it under his armpit.
15:47Do it.
15:48How do you feel, Riddick?
15:51I feel great.
15:52More ro-body than I remember, that's for sure.
15:55Oh, and who's Riddick?
15:56Detective Riddick.
15:58That's you.
15:58The most badass man on the force that we've rebuilt to be a cyborg super cop.
16:02Neat.
16:03But my name's Greg Summers.
16:05I work at the Merry-Go-Round.
16:09Wow.
16:09I wish my life was as exciting as his.
16:12Every day I do the same thing.
16:14It's a little robotic.
16:16Ah, crap.
16:17You saved the wrong half of a head!
16:19What did you do with Riddick's?
16:20I followed protocol and threw it in the half-head disposal.
16:23So now what?
16:27Ideally, we'd train you on how to use the hundreds of technologically advanced weapons you have installed.
16:32But we got a tip on the location of the man responsible for blowing you up.
16:35So we have to move now.
16:37Don't worry.
16:38There's a how-to video.
16:39Hi, I'm Mario Lopez.
16:41I say yes to hosting everything because I literally don't know the word no.
16:46Now then, will learning how to use your new cyborg body be easy?
16:51Let's get started.
16:53Who wants to learn how to shoot their laser gun?
16:56Ooh, I do.
16:57You know who else wanted to?
16:59Hannah de Armas as she prepared for her role in the sci-fi flick Laser Academy.
17:05Hot off her rumored on-set romance with...
17:08Word is, their grand plan is even more evil than we thought.
17:14They want to bring back unassigned seating in movie theaters.
17:17Which is why we need you to capture them alive.
17:20Did you understand everything Mario Lopez told you?
17:22I think so, but he did spend the bulk of the video dishing celeb hot goss.
17:27Good enough.
17:27I don't want to hurt you guys.
17:31Non-lethal flashbangs, activate.
17:37Sorry.
17:40Soft net launcher, activate.
17:45Sorry.
17:45I got to try something more mundane that won't hurt anyone.
17:51Espresso machine, activate.
17:54Sorry, sorry, sorry.
18:00Please surrender peacefully.
18:02I can't see another person's insides.
18:04Ain't you the guy from the merry-go-round?
18:06Huh.
18:07I thought I blew you up.
18:08Just like I plan on blowing up the widespread practice of picking your own movie theater seats.
18:12Soon I'll be able to get there early,
18:14spread my crap out across five different seats,
18:16and say I'm saving them for friends.
18:18When in fact, I just like having empty seats on either side of me.
18:22You're a disgrace to movie-going.
18:24Like those people who stand out to salute the Nicole Kidman AMC ad.
18:28SLAVETHROWER!
18:28Activate!
18:32Oh, thank God.
18:33I didn't...
18:34Kill you?
18:42Oh.
18:45I killed every terrorist.
18:47Either Mario Lopez is terrible at explaining advanced robotic weaponry,
18:51or maybe I'm just not cut out for this job.
18:53Oh.
18:57Oh, hi.
18:58My name's Summers.
19:00I'm Winona.
19:01I work at the morgue.
19:02What a coincidence.
19:03I recently put several people in the morgue.
19:05What are you doing?
19:07The half-head disposal is for half-heads only.
19:09You just put a whole head in.
19:11Everybody down.
19:12It's gonna blow.
19:13Force field, activate.
19:19You saved my life.
19:21How can I ever repay you?
19:23Oh, you don't have to.
19:25Okay, bye.
19:25Let's go scrap you for parts.
19:28No, this made me realize that I may be built to kill, but I'm born to protect.
19:34Instead of sitting watching the world go round, I just did something that felt good in my heart and my armpit.
19:40Then let's find you a partner.
19:42Someone dark enough to keep your brightness from blinding people.
19:45Kang, you're gonna want to see this.
19:47Thanks, Sergeant.
19:48You're gonna want to see this.
19:49Dear detective people.
19:51It's been a few years, but I wanted to let you know I'm doing great.
19:54Please continue not trying to find me since I'm doing great, as evidenced by the number of times I've told you I'm doing great in this letter.
20:00Yours greatly.
20:01Former detective Flute.
20:02P.S.
20:02Please ignore the tear stains on this letter.
20:04They are tears of manly confidence.
20:05Again, doing great.
20:08The stationery is from the put it in.
20:10Summers, I think I just found you, your borderline suicidal toxic partner.
20:14You had me at borderline.
20:18Wait, so your penis is under your arm?
20:20I think you misunderstood the story.
20:22No, I believe tis you who has misunderstood your own tragic tale.
20:27Yeah, it was a story about meeting me.
20:29Alright, I'm tired of cleaning.
20:30Let's hit happy hour.
20:31But we didn't really clean much up.
20:33It's just a construct to get us to tell stories.
20:36Maybe we'll do it every season.
20:37Uh, detective work.
20:39Right, Flute?
20:40Flute?
20:45Thanks.
20:45You almost got me, Gus.
20:47Yeah, haha.
20:48They almost eat you.
20:50Now that would have been a good story.
20:57Shotgun.
21:02Well, we missed happy hour.
21:03Time for regular old sad hour.
21:05But I got to learn more about you, partner.
21:07Nothing sad about that.
21:09Then you weren't really listening.
21:11We never really discussed the giant fungus.
21:13What was his story?
21:15Or hers.
21:17Not our problem.
21:18I found him a new job, and I think he's gonna like it.
21:27The end.
21:35Bento.