Taskmaster UK S19E06
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This was a mistake
00:30It's episode six and unlike any of the meals my mother served me throughout my childhood things are really hotting up
00:44They've proved themselves to be resilient clever and unlike any of the food fed to me up until the age of 18
00:50They have just the right amount of spice
00:53Even some salt would have helped for God's sake old woman
00:57But some salt it it tastes of nothing
01:02Sorry
01:20He told me privately that for him sex is like Christmas
01:24Once a year and involves the death of a turkey
01:39Yes, I'm feeling pretty good. I sometimes find this quite stressful the show
01:42Yeah, and now what I've done to help me relax. I've got myself a brand new sex bot. So
01:48The idea was to go back to the room after the show
01:53Get it going and I should just relieve the tension, okay
01:57I've got to say I am genuinely surprised because he doesn't like talking about private things
02:02What do you mean?
02:03What do you mean?
02:04Yeah, anything. Anything sexual, interesting
02:06Sorry, I've got a brand new box set. I've got a brand new box set
02:08I've got a brand new box set
02:10I was happy for you in March of the Penguin, so I'm really looking forward to that
02:12Calm the nerves, so
02:16That's it. It was a box set, a sex bot
02:18That's the whole bit
02:19That's the whole
02:20That's it moving. Keep it snappy. Let's go
02:23Right, let's go. What's the prize task category, please, Alex?
02:26The category is the thing that is nicest to open
02:30Greg's fly
02:32Jesus!
02:34I realised
02:36That sounded like I was saying Greg's fly is the nicest thing to open
02:38What I meant is Greg is fly. He's stylish. He's cool
02:42And I wonder what everyone's brought in. Let's find out
02:45Sweet save
02:47Rosie Ramsey
02:48Hello
02:49What have you brought me?
02:50I have brought something that I adore
02:52And every time I open it
02:53I just feel happy
02:54Oh, hello
02:55OK
02:56A jar of gherkins
02:58Oh!
03:00So you genuinely love gherkins?
03:01Love gherkins
03:02And I do love opening a jar
03:04Like, without having to ask my husband
03:07I went on a date with a woman who was much stronger than me once
03:10Did you?
03:11And I didn't mind it
03:14You're welcome, honey
03:15Matthew, what have you brought us?
03:16A pop-up book. But not just any pop-up book. A Taskmaster pop-up book.
03:31Oh
03:33Here it is
03:35There's your first open
03:37There's your second
03:40Hang on
03:41Where's Alex?
03:42There he is!
03:44Is that the only spread? No, it's not
03:46No
03:47Where's Alex? Is he behind the door again?
03:50No
03:51Where could he be?
03:53Yes
03:56Is that the last spread? No, there's one more
04:00You can help me with this, Greg
04:01It's Little Lally Tom
04:03Wow
04:04Wow
04:05Wow
04:06Wow
04:07Thank you
04:09Great
04:11Erm, it's incredible
04:13It's lovely, Matthew
04:14Erm, Stevie
04:16Erm, so this is something that has been in my house for
04:22Well, it must be since February when we moved
04:24And sometimes I can't open jars
04:26And I haven't been able to open it, I've just been buying other peppers
04:31Because I can't, I honestly can't open it
04:34And what's nice to open is when someone goes
04:36Oh, can you get that? And if you can open it, that'll feel really nice for you
04:41Yeah, I'm tempted to, I'm tempted to call Rosie out on her power
04:47I'm a bit sweaty
04:48Have you genuinely tried to open it?
04:49This is, yeah, really, really, it's been six, er, since every...
04:52Oh, fuck
04:53One guy
04:56It sounded nice
04:57Does that feel nice?
04:58Smells nice
04:59Shhh
05:00What, one point?
05:02LAUGHTER
05:04I didn't realise this was a jar-based task
05:08Nor did I
05:09OK
05:10Er, Jason
05:11Alright
05:12This is something that makes me happy when I open it
05:15Because it's something that is, that was mine
05:17Here, let's, uh, let's see, hit it here
05:19Aha, right?
05:21It's a dog
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23Except, actually, hold on a second
05:25Can you open it?
05:26It's actually...
05:27Yes
05:28Yeah
05:29Second photo, here we go
05:30Sorry, it's my dead dog's ashes
05:32LAUGHTER
05:33So...
05:34So that's my dog, Turkey
05:36And there is the urn with Turkey's ashes
05:38And that's...
05:39Hang on, isn't that kind of a jar?
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44I'm running
05:45This won't be the worst job, I've got a dead dog in here
05:48LAUGHTER
05:49The point is that, look, when he opens the box and he sees those ashes
05:52I imagine it brings back so many happy memories
05:55For me, it's nice because I get to visit with Turkey again
05:58Do you have happy memories of frolicking through woodlands with your peppers?
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03OK, Fatia, what you brought?
06:06OK, so, the thing that I brought is very relaxing to take off
06:10Off?
06:11Off
06:12Oh
06:13Yeah, I don't think you haven't done it in a while, but you will do it more once we're married
06:17LAUGHTER
06:18This is what you open to take off
06:21LAUGHTER
06:23It's nice for me to open because it's relaxing
06:25And it's nice for you to open because it's going to blow your mind
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29LAUGHTER
06:31LAUGHTER
06:32APPLAUSE
06:37APPLAUSE
06:39APPLAUSE
06:41I've got to be honest, I am starting to feel hunted
06:45LAUGHTER
06:47You're going to have to decide what is the least nice thing to open
06:50Both jar ladies are taking the bottom slots
06:52Yes
06:53Without question
06:54Now, whistle Stevie aboard for one point
06:56And then we'll give Pickle Girl two points and she can thank me for them
07:00Right, so one to Stevie, two for Rosie
07:02Hey, no
07:03Can't do it, I can't, I can't put a bra above the sweet, sweet memories of a dog
07:08I can put a pop-up book above it
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11So what are we saying, Greg?
07:12Three
07:13Four
07:14Five
07:15Done
07:16Five
07:17APPLAUSE
07:18APPLAUSE
07:19Right, do you have an incredibly irritating task to get us started?
07:25Hmm...67
07:2767.
07:48Hello. Oh, my God.
07:51What's it with the hat business? Have you got a fetish or something?
07:54Hello, Rosie. Hello.
07:58You OK? Yep.
08:04Work out what Alex has on the very top of his head.
08:09The very top of your head must never be
08:13more than five foot six inches from the ground.
08:19How tall are you, Rosie? I'm five foot one.
08:21You're fine. So I'll be all right, aren't I?
08:23You may ask Alex yes-or-no questions.
08:26But Alex will only answer using his exciting new numbers system.
08:31Fastest wins.
08:33Your time starts now.
08:35Is it made of plastic?
08:37Five.
08:39Right.
08:40LAUGHTER
08:42Is it fruit?
08:4354.
08:44What did you say, Patrick? I wrote something you said.
08:47What sort of fetish have you been to?
08:48I'm only just realising how often you make things sexual.
08:49I'm a sexual woman.
08:52As is your right.
08:52LAUGHTER
08:53OK, who are we going to see first?
08:54Yes, well, let's see if they can find out what I had inside my head bowl.
08:58Let's start with Rosie, Ramsay, Stevie and Martin.
09:01Is your name Alex Horne?
09:03Seven.
09:04Is my name Stevie Martin?
09:0653.
09:07Oh, yeah, so...
09:09Have I actually...
09:11Oh, is my name Colonel Begonia?
09:1462.
09:15OK, so no is even,
09:34yes is odd.
09:35odd 68 your head is too high don't understand the number system it right
09:44there's something to do with bingo bingo yeah 99 is it a doc 15 are you doing you
09:57just gonna work out what's on the very top of my head
10:01it's just a heart I can't see what's in your hat wait oh behind behind Greg
10:28can I guess you mean they're not yeah hello 83 oh my god it's a grabber I'm gonna protect my eyes
10:43okay oh jazzy
10:50that's the night we've found my weakness and it's pipes
10:56got it oh
11:03it's a carrot I've stopped the clock yay I would never ever ever have got that you did get it
11:12can I knock it off oh sorry Alex it's a carrot I've stopped the clock I've never seen someone using a periscope like that before
11:27yeah
11:28yeah
11:29yeah
11:30yeah
11:31yeah
11:32yeah
11:33yeah
11:34yeah
11:35yeah
11:36yeah
11:37yeah
11:38yeah
11:39yeah
11:40yeah
11:41just to be clear at no point did you try and use the periscope as a periscope
11:44I've never used one before I get my shipmates to do it
11:48Rosie absolutely no attempt at breaking the code whatsoever
11:52no I didn't even bother
11:53the only question you asked was is this bingo
11:56she was pretty swift before she went and got the grabber
11:59absolutely both of them Stevie 6 minutes 53
12:02got the carrot
12:03Rosie 6 minutes 35
12:05wow
12:06whoa
12:07both quicker
12:08yeah
12:09well done
12:10okay
12:11who is next
12:12we're going to leave Jason until the end and boy oh boy does he know why
12:15so for now here's Matthew and Fathu here we go
12:20are you a man
12:2213
12:23are you a woman
12:2512
12:26okay I think I've got it
12:29is it a banana
12:3010
12:31is it a strawberry
12:328
12:33cherry
12:3440
12:3540
12:3640
12:37yeah
12:38what
12:3940
12:401 4
12:41okay
12:42I don't know what this number business is
12:43no
12:44okay
12:45I'm going to try and make it unsafe and then you'd have to come down
12:48oh I see
12:49there's like sanitary towels in these shoes
12:51are you mad
12:5212
12:53what are you going to do with the shoes
12:54throw them at you
12:55no these are heavy I can't do that
12:58okay
12:59yeah
13:00behind Greg
13:01can you do the pole vault?
13:02stay there don't move
13:03yeah
13:04well you stay low
13:05I won't hurt you I promise
13:06right we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it and I don't know what it is
13:21stay there
13:23stay there don't move
13:24stay there don't move
13:25yeah
13:26well you stay low
13:27I won't hurt you I promise
13:28right we've reached the point now where I'm looking at it and I don't know what it is
13:34stay there
13:35stay there
13:36I bet you super glued it on because you're twat bro
13:39see it doesn't even move
13:42I'm scared to hurt
13:44oh here we go
13:45it's the carrot
13:46stop the clock
13:47what is on the top of my head
13:49something orange
13:50orange is on the top of your head
13:53orange man
13:54you must be more specific
13:55orange plastic or rubber
13:57more specific
13:59right let go
14:01oh there it is
14:04stop moving
14:05it's a carrot
14:0789
14:08what I found interesting is that when the idea of shoes being thrown at Alex to try and
14:17dislodge his head fence
14:19mm-hmm
14:20I would have bet my life that Fatia would have been the one to actually throw the shoes
14:24quite a twist
14:25but suddenly this
14:26suddenly this monster appears
14:28you've got the carrot you've whacked his hat off with a snooker cue
14:32yeah and actually quicker
14:3430 minutes 20 for Fatia
14:3540 minutes 20 for Matt
14:37there we go
14:38good luck
14:39right well that's the end of part one
14:42see you back here soon
14:43welcome back to the start of part two
14:56yes now before the break they were trying to figure out what was on top of my head
15:00I can only answer questions using my exciting new number system
15:04finally it's Jason's turn
15:06he's called me lots of things this series
15:08jerk off
15:09asshole
15:10so here is some retribution
15:12is it produce
15:1531
15:16is it grapes
15:17is it a banana
15:18sprouts
15:19grapefruit
15:20lettuce
15:2128
15:2260
15:2325
15:24is it a lemon
15:254
15:26is it a lime
15:2714
15:28good lord
15:29is it a pomegranate
15:3015
15:31grapes
15:3216
15:33is it a shoe
15:34is it a small house
15:35is it dirt
15:3630
15:37is it a lemon
15:3835
15:39is it lemon
15:4036
15:41Alex is it a lemon
15:4238
15:43let's see this is just absurd
15:45I'm ready to be here for the long run
15:47this is going to be one of those ones where you're like shockingly Jason was doing this for 33 minutes
15:56is it corn
15:5793
15:58is it a pear
15:5914
16:00green
16:0160
16:02boy this numbers thing I'm not good with this
16:03no
16:04well sorry
16:05what do you mean no
16:0684
16:07what is mad
16:08what's on the very top of my head Jason
16:09I don't know anything more than I did at the minute I stopped reading this godforsaken task
16:16right
16:17okay
16:18all right then I guess I'll move around
16:20yeah that's right everybody get the cameras let's go
16:24is it a seagull
16:2660
16:27is it one of these gargoyles
16:29yeah
16:30oh
16:31oh
16:32jesus christ
16:36fine
16:37no see this is not working this is what I want it to be
16:50it looks pretty close there
16:51yeah no I know
16:52okay
16:53I'm not a fucking idiot Alex I know that I found the thing
16:57okay now that can't that's so difficult
17:00oh boy this is very difficult
17:04sorry Alex
17:06man what
17:07I'm gonna try this again
17:10oh is it green a little bit I mean fray
17:16wow it's right there
17:18yeah
17:19yeah
17:20but what the hell is it
17:21I can't make out what the hell that is at all
17:24is it carrot
17:25three
17:28or two
17:29or five
17:30or seven
17:31oh did I guess it
17:32you've completed the task
17:33oh great that's what I thought
17:34do you feel good
17:35no
17:36no let me be clear Alex
17:38I do not feel good
17:40well thank you jason
17:41all right
17:49might it be the longest time anyone's ever taken
17:51it's got to be up there
17:52it was one hour forty
17:57one hour forty minutes
17:59I did this
18:01these two have both done it in just under seven minutes
18:04somehow I had it in my mind I had to crack the code
18:10he asks two hundred and thirty three questions
18:13how many of them were is it a lemon
18:16do you want to give me a number between one and two hundred and thirty three
18:18we'll find out some of the questions
18:19sure one five four
18:20well that was quite a long one
18:21what if I hopped the fence and went into the golf course and you never saw me again
18:25we have
18:31is it suffering
18:32is it Jesus Christ
18:33is this good television
18:34is it human teeth
18:35there were so many
18:36come on then you nerds
18:38what's the system
18:39very simple
18:40it's no
18:41it's a composite number
18:42yes it's a primal
18:43oh
18:44I hate you even more
18:46cause I would never have figured that out
18:48no we saw that
18:49okay
18:51what are the scores
18:52yes well Jason with his 100 minutes gets one point
18:55Matt with 14 minutes two points
18:57Fatia 30 minutes three points
18:58Stevie
18:59just slower than Rosie
19:00so you get four points
19:01but Rosie Ramsey gets the full five points
19:03right what are the scores Alex
19:09it's very very close
19:10two points separating all five of them
19:12joint winners so far Matt and Rosie on seven points
19:15oh
19:16oh
19:17oh
19:18I do too and are they all just one big happy family
19:24oh
19:25oh
19:26oh
19:27oh
19:28oh
19:29oh
19:30oh
19:31oh
19:32oh
19:33oh
19:34oh
19:35oh
19:36oh
19:37oh
19:38oh
19:39oh
19:40oh
19:41oh
19:42oh
19:43oh
19:44oh
19:45oh
19:46hold on
19:47great news
19:48oh yeah
19:49we've come up with a team name
19:50oh that is good news
19:51I've forgotten it so you have to say it
19:52JV Martzoukas
19:53that was it
19:54hello JV Martzoukas
19:55thank you
19:56hello Alex
19:57there's a task for you there and a little camera
19:58okay
20:00make yourselves look like one of you is the parent of the others
20:04then capture your relationship with a classic family home video moment
20:10Most believable family wins you have 30 minutes your time is starts now
20:17Let me be the mom because you two are parents. I'm not so let me be the parent. Is that all right? Does that make sense? Yeah
20:26What are those classic ooh like you teaching me how to like potty training. I'm dangling you
20:32And you're pissing over the toilet, and I'm pissing and pooping can I?
20:37Do we have laxatives Alex?
20:40It's what we've got to do a play
20:43Play I like it put a musical on us not just you know when kids do like a show right fine ice cream
20:52Can we play in traffic?
20:5422 minutes. Oh, okay, so let's go
21:02Just reading the task again make yourselves look like one of you as a parent of the others and capture a relationship with a classic
21:07Family home video moment and Jason's suggestion was playing in traffic
21:18We're gonna start with a team of two and this one is actually far from ideal for me
21:23Bring the camera up to nice bring it up to nice right if you got that yeah
21:30If you got it
21:32I'm scared
21:34I can't do it
21:36I can't do it
21:37You can I've got you I've got you look I've got you daddy's got you
21:40Oh daddy please stop my cousin
21:42Don't go baby
21:43Are you getting it?
21:44Are you getting this Denise?
21:45I'm getting it
21:46I'm getting it
21:47I'm getting it
21:48I'm getting it
21:49I'm getting it
21:50I'm getting it
21:51No hands look
21:52No hands
21:53You did it
21:54Who's that man
21:55What man?
21:57Was that man there?
22:00Daddy, was that man?
22:01Oh my god, it's a pervert
22:03What?
22:04Um
22:06I like the hairy girl
22:07What?
22:08Get out of here!
22:09Get out of here no
22:10I just...
22:11Get in daddy!
22:12Get in!
22:13Get in!
22:13Get in!
22:14Get in!
22:15Get in!
22:15I got it!
22:18Whoo!
22:18Yeah!
22:20Yeah!
22:20Yeah!
22:21Whoo!
22:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
22:28Can I just say something, when we run out,
22:31we all run out into, like, the rush hour traffic.
22:34Into the traffic!
22:36With insane energy, straight into people, like, at a stop sign.
22:41And you were like, oh, this is the old days.
22:44I feel like I'm back at home and I'm a kid running around the streets, baby.
22:48OK, I sort of bought it.
22:50You know, the touching moment of the hairy girl being taught to ride a bike.
22:54I'm just intrigued by giving the title classic family video
22:58of bringing the pervert into it.
23:01Well, it's in the 80s, you know, it was a different time.
23:04Yep.
23:05So it was meant to be, like, an accidental snapshot into sexual politics
23:09of the decade. Classic. Yeah!
23:12OK, it's time for us to stop again.
23:15When you return, you'll see an entirely different family,
23:18but Alex will still be a pervert.
23:20LAUGHTER
23:21Let me tell you, the book I'm going to write one day.
23:23We'll see you in a minute.
23:24APPLAUSE
23:28Welcome back to Taskmaster, where I'm looking forward to seeing the next team attempt.
23:42Now, we're after a classic family home video moment.
23:45Most believable family wins.
23:47So now it's Daddy Matt with his little girls, Fatia and Rosie.
23:50Merry Christmas, everybody.
23:51PHONE RINGS
23:52Christmas morning.
23:55The presents are out.
23:58Let's call the girls.
24:00Girls!
24:02Father Christmas has been!
24:04He's been!
24:05Yes!
24:06Merry Christmas!
24:07Merry Christmas!
24:08Merry Christmas!
24:09Merry Christmas, Patti!
24:14Now, girls, Patti in particular, remember what happened last year with the presents.
24:21I know that sometimes you can get a little bit jealous, and I just wanted to say that I've thought very carefully about these presents,
24:32and I thought as much as I could about things that you would really like.
24:37OK?
24:38Daddy doesn't have any favourites, Patti.
24:41Do I, Hattie?
24:42No, Daddy.
24:43So, are you ready?
24:46Open your presents!
24:56What have you got there?
24:58Oh!
24:59Oh!
25:00Look!
25:01Oh!
25:02Oh!
25:03Oh!
25:04Catty, you've got some string, and Patti, you've got a scooter.
25:08Do you like your present, Patti?
25:11Are you OK, Patti?
25:14Oh, Patti, do you...
25:17Not again, Patti.
25:20Do you want the string, Patti?
25:25Oh, Hattie.
25:27That's such good sharing, and you're offering Patti a present.
25:31Yeah, Patti, do you want my present?
25:33Is that what you want, Patti?
25:34Yeah, Patti.
25:35Oh, I'm sorry, Hattie, that means you have to have the scooter.
25:38Oh, no!
25:39I know you wanted the scooter.
25:40Don't do it, my friend.
25:41Don't do it.
25:42Don't do it.
25:43Don't do it.
25:44Don't do it.
25:45Don't do it.
25:46Don't do it.
25:47All right, well, here's the question I never thought I'd ask on television.
26:05What's with all the hairy women?
26:08I want family resemblance, so we need to look like him.
26:13Well, that's the obvious, yeah, so obviously the girl should be bearded.
26:16Well, I assume it's because he's a single father, and they're just his.
26:22LAUGHTER
26:23Greg, it's most believable family wins.
26:26Yeah, well, obviously it was the horrible, jealous daughter being manipulated by the admittedly creepy father.
26:32Right.
26:33It's slightly more...
26:35So we're giving five points for team three.
26:37OK, how many points for the team of two?
26:39Four points.
26:40There we go, four points and five points!
26:41APPLAUSE
26:43What's next, then?
26:47Well, I do think it's time for some comeuppance.
27:04Wow, Matthew Bainton.
27:05Wow, Alex Horne.
27:07Please have a seat at the desk.
27:09Congratulations.
27:10Did you graduate college?
27:12Yeah.
27:13What school?
27:14Cambridge University.
27:15What degree?
27:16Latin and Greek.
27:17OK.
27:18You were like, oh, whatever it is, it's got to be obsolete.
27:22Oh, I'd love to go to Cambridge and major in obsolescence.
27:28Teach the taskmaster's assistant a lesson he'll never forget.
27:31Ooh la la.
27:33Most memorable lesson wins.
27:35You have 20 minutes.
27:37Your time starts now.
27:39From what I know about how memory works,
27:42basically if something's a little bit...
27:45...traumatic...
27:47...it sticks in your mind.
27:49Tell me a fact, like, one of your favourite facts.
27:52Shall I get your levels?
27:53You get dogs in all different colours?
27:55That's definitely not.
27:58No?
28:00Do you remember in the olden days when it used to snow,
28:02like, up to your waist?
28:03Do you remember?
28:04Yeah.
28:05So, it was winter, like, it was snowing,
28:07and then these boys come and play Knock Down Ginger,
28:10and my dad chased them barefoot in his boxers
28:12because my dad's an animal.
28:14And that is the lesson.
28:15My dad is an animal.
28:17Right.
28:18That's the lesson.
28:19Was that the lesson?
28:20Yeah.
28:21It's not necessarily been...
28:22Is that not?
28:23...into my brain.
28:24Can I go think?
28:25You're just like all my old teachers.
28:27Yeah, am I?
28:28Sexy.
28:30OK.
28:31OK.
28:32APPLAUSE
28:38I'm excited to see Matty deal with his minor childhood traumas.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:43And I'm very excited about learning more
28:45about how much of an underwear-wearing animal
28:48Fatty has dad is.
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50I hope that features.
28:51Well, let's see.
28:52We're going to start with two lessons from Rosie and Matt.
28:56Open the hatch.
29:02Trow...down.
29:04Do you mean trousers?
29:05Yes, please.
29:08Down to your ankles, please.
29:09Yep, yep, you're doing.
29:10Thank you so much.
29:11Are you ready for your lesson on memory?
29:13When you get something wrong...
29:15That will happen.
29:17Right.
29:18That means you must dunk your head...
29:21Into the bin of water.
29:22We shall see if that jogs your memory.
29:24OK.
29:25Toilet row.
29:26The cheeks parted.
29:29Wipe until clean.
29:32What is the first step of creating a memory called?
29:35Perception.
29:36It's called encoding horn.
29:48What's it called?
29:49Encoding.
29:51Down you go!
29:52Is it not going to go?
29:57Correct.
29:58It's called encoding.
30:01Part the cheeks.
30:02Part the cheeks.
30:03Wipe until clean.
30:04Don't look, you disgusting little boy.
30:09Put it in the bin.
30:11What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:14Hippocampus.
30:17Down you go, horn!
30:20Do you hate yourself yet?
30:21You look great.
30:22It is not clean.
30:26Well done, horn.
30:27It is the Hippocampus.
30:29Was it? Oh, good.
30:30You are rotten to the core, aren't you?
30:35Oh, my God.
30:36What is the first step of creating a memory called?
30:38Encoding.
30:39What part of the brain do the sensations travel to?
30:42Hippocampus.
30:43Very good.
30:44Very good.
30:45You may celebrate in the long dunk.
30:47WHOOP
30:48WHOOP
30:49WHOOP
30:50WHOOP
30:51WHOOP
30:52WHOOP
30:53WHOOP
30:54Matthew, was this monster based on someone from your life?
30:59Tell me now.
31:00The idea was not about reliving my childhood trauma.
31:03It was the theory that traumatic events, mildly traumatic events,
31:07stay in the brain.
31:08So that would be a lesson he wouldn't forget.
31:11But I would argue that perhaps we have a different understanding of the phrase mildly traumatic.
31:18Icy water, though. It was ice in the water, wasn't there, Matt?
31:21A little bit.
31:23Did you feel like you were better equipped to wipe your own backside after Rosie's onslaught?
31:27I was confused.
31:29I'm sorry, Rosie, but you were sending mixed messages.
31:32Don't look at it, and he wiped it on my face at the end.
31:34And she got carried away.
31:36The thing is, growing up in this country, we all know a teacher who's not that far from those psychopaths.
31:43So, good. I enjoyed them both.
31:45OK. Want to see more?
31:46Yes.
31:47OK, yet more dignity for me now with lessons from Fatia and Stevie.
31:50Oh, God.
31:53I'm going to teach you a fact.
31:55The reason you'll never forget it is I'm going to ask you to write it out 50 times.
31:59That's cool. OK.
32:01You go over this side, and you go like that.
32:03You need to do your hands.
32:05OK.
32:06Yeah?
32:07Yeah.
32:08But you're not just stepping.
32:09I am.
32:10The fact I'd like you to write it not there.
32:12I'd like you to write it on your person.
32:15On my body?
32:16That would be your person, wouldn't it?
32:18Some people take person as a euphemism for...
32:21Sorry, you call your penis your little person.
32:24Some people do.
32:25Sure, you call it your little Alex.
32:26You don't.
32:27It's like a fan.
32:28OK.
32:29You've got to be like a snake.
32:31Change your snake.
32:32That is not a snake.
32:35Oh, it's not bad.
32:37Shrimp's heart is located...
32:39In.
32:40Oh, I put on.
32:41Just going to shake your top.
32:43No, just your top.
32:45Not your...
32:4711.
32:48Right.
32:49I'm out of room there.
32:50Yeah.
32:51I'll give you some privacy.
32:52Still, still, still, still.
32:53Go.
32:54Go.
32:56You've got to move not just your hands.
32:58You look like when you fry chips.
32:59Can you do it again?
33:01I haven't got those things.
33:03You don't need those things to do it.
33:07I hate to alarm you, but you probably will have to take your trousers off.
33:11I've been CRB checked, it's fine.
33:13Stay still here.
33:14Go on.
33:15That's it.
33:19We're on 42.
33:20Yeah.
33:21This is 46.
33:22How do whales have legs in their stomachs?
33:27That's it now, your fully-fledged Moroccan dancer.
33:30Okay, then.
33:31Yalla, you ready?
33:32Yalla, I'm ready.
33:33Yalla.
33:34Waheed.
33:35Jouj.
33:36Clutter.
33:41Right leg.
33:42Good.
33:43Hip.
33:44Yay!
33:45Woo!
33:46Woo!
33:47Woo!
33:48Woo!
33:49It's a must-it, though.
33:52It's a shrimp's head.
33:53Is it a shrimp's head?
33:54Oh, no, it's a heart.
33:55Yeah, of course it is.
33:56I forgot on the last one.
33:58Can you repeat the fact to me now?
34:01A shrimp's heart is located in its head.
34:04Congratulations, you've learnt your lesson.
34:06Get cleaned up.
34:15Well, is the shrimp fact true?
34:17Yeah.
34:18Absolute true.
34:19And the whale fact?
34:20Yes.
34:21So...
34:22They've got legs in their stomach?
34:23No, it's when they've evolved.
34:24They used to have legs.
34:25So if I cut a whale up, there'll be a big leg in there?
34:27No, it's like a human's leg.
34:28Just like a nub of a bone that is still there from when they used to be mammals.
34:33I just like the idea there's one big leg and they were bouncing around.
34:36I like that idea as well.
34:37I didn't think about the essential element.
34:39I thought it had...
34:40In my head, it's got a boot on it.
34:43But I know it doesn't.
34:45But...
34:46Yeah.
34:47But I found watching you teach him genuinely quite sweet,
34:50and I thought the result was actually quite good.
34:53Oh!
34:56And it worked.
34:57You were encouraging and I wanted to please you.
34:59Oh, did you?
35:00Oh, he's dead.
35:01Oh, he's dead.
35:04Great time.
35:05When we return, we'll finally find out who's going home with a bra,
35:09a dead dog's ashes, and a jar of gherkins.
35:12Or as my uncle used to call it, foreplay.
35:15APPLAUSE
35:27Hello again!
35:28Part four, is it then?
35:30Yes, it is, Greg.
35:31Keep up, mate.
35:32The contestants are all teaching me lessons.
35:34For example, I now know how to wipe myself and belly dance.
35:38Time for my final lesson now,
35:40and it's with Hollywood hotshot Jason Mantoukas.
35:43It occurs to me that you need to be a little bit more assertive.
35:48But first, I need to see you a little bit in your natural environment.
35:52Let's go.
35:53Yeah.
35:54Let's do it.
35:55All right.
35:56Jenny!
35:57Here's your tea, Alex.
35:58Ooh!
35:59That's so nice of you.
36:01You're welcome.
36:02That's amazing.
36:03Thanks.
36:04Bye-bye.
36:05Hello, Alex.
36:06Hi, Becky.
36:07We're getting sandwiches for lunch today.
36:08What would you like?
36:09Sandwiches, anything at all.
36:10Honestly, whatever's easiest for you.
36:13Mm-mm.
36:14Oh.
36:15Hi, Alex.
36:16Amy, this looks amazing.
36:18Oh, thanks.
36:19That is so...
36:20It's just right.
36:21That's perfect.
36:23How are you feeling?
36:24It's been a tough time, to be honest.
36:25Yeah.
36:26The scans came back.
36:27The doctor said they were inconclusive.
36:28Oh, not inconclusive.
36:29Yeah.
36:30I'm just so grateful to be here.
36:31Whatever it takes.
36:32Honestly, you're such a crucial part of the team.
36:35Oh.
36:37Okay.
36:38I think I've seen everything I need to see.
36:39Let's go.
36:40Okay.
36:41That was terrible.
36:42Really?
36:43I didn't like that at all.
36:44I thought it was good.
36:45What you understand is that these people work for you so you should be polite to them?
36:50Wrong.
36:51It doesn't matter how you treat them.
36:53They are things.
36:55You only focus on what matters to you.
36:59Me.
37:00Alex Horne.
37:01Number one.
37:02Everyone else.
37:03The things.
37:04Who the fuck cares?
37:05These are tools in your toolbox to make this glorious show.
37:09Let's do this.
37:10Here's your tea, Alex.
37:11Thing.
37:12Yes.
37:13Yes.
37:14It's the wrong shade.
37:15What would you like for lunch today?
37:16I want goose.
37:17And jelly.
37:18Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
37:19Oh!
37:20What's this?
37:21That looks absolutely stupid.
37:22What the frick is this?
37:23Freak?
37:24Hey, hey, what are you doing?
37:25You're a bad boy.
37:26You're Alex Horne.
37:27What the fuck is this?
37:28Yes!
37:29Yes!
37:30Yes!
37:31Yes!
37:32Yes!
37:33Yes!
37:34Yes!
37:35Oh!
37:36Shit!
37:37I'm so sorry, Alex.
37:38You're fired.
37:39Ooh!
37:40You're never here anyway.
37:41You're always going to the hospital.
37:42Go!
37:43Quicker!
37:44Quicker!
37:45Let's get her.
37:46You're a pain in the ass.
37:47A pain right in my...
37:48What is this?
37:49What is this?
37:50What is this?
37:51What is this?
37:52You're a bad boy.
37:53You're a bad boy.
37:54You're a bad boy.
37:55You're Alex.
37:56What the fuck is this?
37:57Yes!
37:58Yes!
37:59Yes!
38:00Yes!
38:01Yes!
38:02Yes!
38:03Yes!
38:04Yes!
38:05A pain right in my...
38:06What is this?
38:07What is this?
38:08Who are you?
38:09Off you go!
38:10Bye-bye!
38:11Bye-bye!
38:12Hey, wait, wait, wait.
38:15You forgot your bag!
38:21That was great.
38:22Fuck you!
38:23Oh!
38:24The student has become the master.
38:27Bye-bye.
38:35I am a bit shocked by how well you took that on.
38:38Yeah.
38:39I've learned a lesson looking at that.
38:41It's not ideal.
38:42It's not ideal.
38:43But you do feel a lot of those things in private, I know.
38:47It did take quite a bit to get him there.
38:50From Frick to Fuck was a huge transition.
38:53LAUGHTER
38:54From Frick to Fuck?
38:56That's your autobiography title, sir.
38:58LAUGHTER
39:00But I do want to apologise to the members of the team.
39:03Don't ruin it now!
39:05They're things.
39:06LAUGHTER
39:07The tools in the toolbox!
39:09Who was the best tutor?
39:12Yeah, I'd say Jason leading me by the hand and shouting in my face
39:15worked a bit.
39:16A bit?
39:17But it was the warmth of Fatia that I responded to most.
39:20Wow.
39:21Fatia, you're about to get five points for being nice.
39:24LAUGHTER
39:25Really?
39:26This is going to...
39:27Really?
39:28Fuck your brand.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:33So, Fatia gets five points for being nice.
39:35Jason gets four points for coercing a monster from you.
39:39LAUGHTER
39:40So, shrimp or poo or cruelty?
39:44They were all much of a muchness, if I'm completely honest.
39:47Three points each?
39:48OK, yeah, fair enough.
39:49Fair enough, thank you.
39:50APPLAUSE
39:53Shall we take a peek at those scores?
39:55Yes, well, the series scores are in,
39:57and there's two people in the 90s.
39:58Rosie's on 90,
39:59Matt on 99,
40:00the series we've got at the moment.
40:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:04But in this episode, she's just so lovely.
40:07She's in the lead with 16 points.
40:09It's Fatia El Ghori!
40:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:12So sweet, so kind, so in the lead.
40:19OK, it's time.
40:20Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!
40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:25Hello, honey pie.
40:26I like the hairy girl.
40:27LAUGHTER
40:28Who's going to be the Tusk guy?
40:29Uh, Jason today, please.
40:30Ahem.
40:31Don't blow the last thing off the table.
40:32If you don't blow anything off the table, you are eliminated.
40:34If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:35If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:36If you do blow the last thing off the table, you are eliminated.
40:37You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table.
40:40Last player standing wins.
40:41Yes, there will be four rounds of this.
40:42In each round, there will be a different lot of things on that table there.
40:44One at a time, you'll come to the spot.
40:45Something has to fall off the table, but if everything goes, you're out.
40:47And ultimately, if there's only one thing left, that person's out.
40:48That is checkmate.
40:49Prepare the table.
40:50I knew it.
40:51I knew it.
40:52It's feathers.
40:53I knew it.
40:54It's feathers.
40:55So, at least one thing off the table is eliminated.
40:57You must stay on the spot and you must not touch the table.
40:59Last player standing wins.
41:00Yes, there will be four rounds of this.
41:01In each round, there will be a different lot of things on that table there.
41:03One at a time, you'll come to the spot.
41:04Something has to fall off the table, but if everything goes, you're out.
41:07And ultimately, if there's only one thing left, that person's out.
41:10That is checkmate.
41:11Prepare the table.
41:13I knew it.
41:16I knew it.
41:17It's feathers.
41:18I knew it.
41:19So, at least one feather must leave.
41:21We're going to go from right to left.
41:22We're starting with Stevie.
41:23Watch me fuck this up so bad now.
41:26That's the sort of confidence you get in the Navy.
41:29LAUGHTER
41:31OK.
41:32One blow plus.
41:33Yeah.
41:34Yeah, all right.
41:42Just...
41:43Bloody hell.
41:44It was touch and go, though, wasn't it?
41:46No.
41:47I knew what I was doing.
41:48It was building tension.
41:49LAUGHTER
41:50Rosie's up next.
41:54Lovely.
41:55Absolutely right.
41:56That's his pen.
41:57APPLAUSE
41:58Oh!
41:59Oh!
42:00Oh!
42:01Oh!
42:02Oh!
42:03Oh!
42:04Oh!
42:05Oh!
42:06Oh!
42:07Oh!
42:08Oh!
42:09ощymanzykus.
42:10Oh!
42:11Oh!
42:12Oh!
42:13Oh!
42:14Oh!
42:15Oh!
42:16Oh!
42:17Oh!
42:18Oh!
42:19Oh!
42:20Oh!
42:21Oh!
42:22Oh!
42:23Not a lot left up there.
42:24Oh!
42:25Oh!
42:26Oh!
42:27Yeah.
42:29Oh, wow!
42:33Oh, easy. There's two there.
42:48There's two there.
42:51Oh!
42:58LAUGHTER
43:00That's always worse.
43:02Well done.
43:03Oh, I'm lucky.
43:05I'm lucky.
43:07OK, round two.
43:10Little pictures of...of Greg.
43:14OK, blow me, Jason.
43:16Happily, my friend.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:21OK.
43:23APPLAUSE
43:25Lovely.
43:27LAUGHTER
43:28One word, one word.
43:30APPLAUSE
43:32Here we go.
43:39Oh, fuck!
43:40LAUGHTER
43:43I get it, I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to.
43:45The arrogance of someone trying a double blow in this competition.
43:48LAUGHTER
43:49Now, three.
43:50Ah.
43:51MUSIC PLAYS
44:00Lovely.
44:01It's really lovely.
44:02Lovely.
44:03APPLAUSE
44:04Yeah.
44:05One other time, one other.
44:06Why not?
44:07Why not?
44:08We're up in the professional league now.
44:09LAUGHTER
44:10That'll do.
44:11APPLAUSE
44:12Ticken.
44:13Very ticken.
44:14APPLAUSE
44:15Very ticken.
44:16APPLAUSE
44:17That was tactical play.
44:18Lovely.
44:19Yeah.
44:20LAUGHTER
44:21APPLAUSE
44:22APPLAUSE
44:23That was tactical play.
44:24Lovely.
44:25APPLAUSE
44:26Yeah.
44:27LAUGHTER
44:28APPLAUSE
44:29APPLAUSE
44:30That was tactical play. Lovely.
44:32APPLAUSE
44:33That was tactical play. Lovely.
44:34APPLAUSE
44:35Yeah.
44:36LAUGHTER
44:37APPLAUSE
44:38APPLAUSE
44:39Yeah.
44:40LAUGHTER
44:41APPLAUSE
44:42APPLAUSE
44:43APPLAUSE
44:45APPLAUSE
44:46APPLAUSE
44:47APPLAUSE
44:49APPLAUSE
44:50APPLAUSE
44:51APPLAUSE
44:52APPLAUSE
44:53Here we go.
44:54Fun more round.
44:55Oh!
44:56I have to speak for all of us and say,
44:58I can't believe this is watchable.
45:00LAUGHTER
45:01And yet, everyone riveted.
45:03Oh!
45:04APPLAUSE
45:06Here we go.
45:07Here we go.
45:08APPLAUSE
45:13You can see why they're in the final.
45:18Ooh, it's nearly two breaths.
45:20How was it nearly two breaths?
45:21Well, there was one.
45:23LAUGHTER
45:25Oh, I hate you so much.
45:27LAUGHTER
45:28Oh!
45:30Now we're interested.
45:32Now we're playing,
45:33now we're playing the power.
45:39Ooh!
45:40He's left it open, though.
45:42He's left it open.
45:48Oh!
45:50LAUGHTER
45:51Ballade!
45:52Ballade!
45:54That's probably for Fatih, right?
45:55Yeah, it feels like it.
45:56It feels like it
46:04In second place
46:20Well, well, well, yes, like a lot of things in this show surprisingly watchable really good
46:25Mmm, Matt unfortunately out first gets to one point two to Stevie three to Rosie
46:29Then it was between fat year and Jason at the end four to fat year Jason one egg gets the five points. So well done. Jason
46:38The overall scores break I don't know you won't believe it. They've now all got even numbered scores
46:44I love it with 14 at the other end with 20 points for the first time. It's fat
46:55For our boring winners
46:57Please close the show by opening your things a nice welcome
47:01Yeah
47:31You