Have I Got a Bit More News for You S69 E07
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:38Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:40I'm Stephen Mangan.
00:41In the news this week, near Pyongyang, Army Chiefs regret
00:45putting on a huge banquet for Kim Jong-un
00:48before he examined a new state-of-the-art submarine.
00:54LAUGHTER
00:58In Moscow, at Russia's May Day parade,
01:01there's evidence that the president of Slovakia's piles
01:04have flared up again.
01:14And in Basel, during rehearsals for the Eurovision Song Contest,
01:18there are questions over how one performer in Moldova's entry
01:22made it past the censors.
01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:40On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who recently won
01:43Pointless Celebrities, where she demonstrated her ability
01:46to score an unbelievably low number of points.
01:49That'll be annoying for Ian, who normally gets loads.
01:53Please welcome Chloe Petz.
01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:00On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and writer
02:03who played Satan in the sitcom Old Harry's Game.
02:06He had to stop as Satan's views gradually became seen as mainstream.
02:11Please welcome Andy Hamilton.
02:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
02:19We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:21Paul and Andy, here are yours.
02:24Right, that's got to be the most boring race I've ever seen.
02:28Where did you get their flowers?
02:31Oh, the traditional sword dance with the journalist missing.
02:38Yes, it's Donald Trump in the Middle East.
02:40He was in Saudi Arabia, where he was talking about...
02:43He's very impressed with the gold palaces.
02:45And he's also been given the present of a jet, a Boeing 747,
02:49which he's going to sort of use for presidential purposes
02:52and then when he stops being president sometime in the year 2036,
02:56he will have it for his own personal use.
02:58But he's out there promoting peace by selling everyone warplanes.
03:01Yeah.
03:03Yeah, a massive arms deal. Yeah.
03:05Worth $142 billion.
03:08Lovely. It's nice, isn't it? Yeah.
03:10Yeah, it's all right, isn't it? That is according to him.
03:12Yes. Yes, exactly.
03:13I mean, the last deal he did, he announced it was worth
03:16$8 billion trillion and it turned out it wasn't.
03:19I mean, I'm not saying everything he says isn't true, but...
03:24What did Trump spend 11 minutes doing?
03:26Was it praising the leader?
03:28He spent 11 minutes shaking hands
03:30with the seemingly never-ending queue of Saudi dignitaries.
03:33We've got some edited highlights of that. Oh, good.
03:36Do you want to see that? Yes, please.
03:38Here he is.
03:4111 minutes.
03:4211 minutes. Oh.
03:45Someone went a bit rogue.
03:48And there was an awkward moment when someone who wasn't welcome
03:51somehow got into the line.
03:52Let's have a look at that.
03:57When he starts talking, there's a full 20 minutes
04:00where he goes through the election results in the US.
04:03Yeah.
04:04You can see the various heads of the Emirates and Saudi going,
04:07what?
04:09He goes through the election results,
04:11and everyone's going, what?
04:13He goes through the regions and he tells them the swing.
04:16Wow.
04:17And he says, it was a brilliant election,
04:19and everyone's going, what?
04:21They're probably thinking, what's an election?
04:30I mean, they showed a clip of him
04:32and there was an interpreter alongside him in the Middle East.
04:35I thought, what's the point of that?
04:37How's he going to translate into Arabic?
04:40He's just said a whole string of words that...
04:43I've no idea what they mean.
04:46Maybe he just saw Stitzer going like that.
04:52He said of the Saudi president, he said,
04:56handsome guy, young guy, strong guy.
05:00And it's just...
05:01You could get arrested for that there.
05:06You've got to be very careful, but I quite like that
05:09that's the metric by which he's ruling a country, by hotness.
05:15Well, not in Saudi, it's pretty hot there.
05:19I was talking about being, like, fit.
05:21I'm sorry.
05:23Also, he called him attractive, didn't he?
05:25Yeah.
05:26Young, attractive.
05:27And that is what Macron tried to exploit.
05:29Do you remember in that first...
05:31That first term, suddenly, you remember Macron was all over him,
05:34cuddling him, kissing him.
05:35Yeah.
05:36I think that's true.
05:37I can't remember that.
05:38Yeah.
05:39I was in a hotel and I put it on and it was just chattering.
05:44I remember now.
05:45Yes, that's right.
05:46And Melania burst in on the bedroom.
05:48Macron and Trump were in bed together.
05:50Trump looked up and said, it's called diplomacy.
05:54Wait for the state...
05:56Do you think it's going to happen?
05:57I don't think the King's going to let that state visit happen.
06:00Do you not think?
06:01No, I think someone at the White House is going to get a phone call
06:04from one of the Prince's staff saying,
06:06oh, you won't believe what's happened.
06:11We've only found out that Windsor Castle is full of asbestos.
06:17What did Trump get that was purple but is usually red?
06:20Oh, I don't know about that.
06:21Oh, here we go.
06:23I don't think we should go there, should we?
06:25What did he get that's purple but is normally red?
06:27Carpet.
06:28Purple carpet.
06:29That's absolutely right, yes.
06:30If you roll it up, you can still get a kidnapped journalist.
06:33There's some fake news around his dietary requirements.
06:35Do you know what that was?
06:36Oh, they got a McDonald's truck?
06:38Yeah.
06:39Was that fake news, though?
06:40Well, it was said that Trump asked for it.
06:42Oh, right.
06:43Actually, the Saudis arranged it is the truck.
06:46I mean, but it's a bit cruel on their part,
06:48because they put some stairs in there but no doors.
06:51What's wrong with Trump accepting a personal gift
06:54of a $400 million plane?
06:56Well, it's against the American Constitution, isn't it?
06:58It is, yeah.
06:59The Presidents aren't allowed...
07:01Well, there's a limit on the amount...
07:03Yes.
07:04..of a gift a government employee can accept.
07:06Any idea what that limit is?
07:07$45.
07:08It's $480.
07:09Oh, is it?
07:10So he's not much over, then.
07:12It's close.
07:13It's close.
07:14But it's also, like, illegal to assault women,
07:16but he also did that as well.
07:18So it's not really going to stop him, is it?
07:20Right, no, it's not.
07:21It's not.
07:25Well, it said it goes to the Presidential Library.
07:27Yeah.
07:28There are very few libraries in this country
07:30that have their own planes.
07:31Yeah.
07:32If it's in a library, can you go there and ask to take it out?
07:35Yes.
07:37Somebody has to stamp it.
07:39The Attorney General, Pam Bondi,
07:41has come up with a legal technicality that allows Trump
07:45to accept the gift based on what principle?
07:49Kraven...
07:51..cowardice.
07:54Well, close.
07:55It's the principle of...
07:57..it would be stupid not to.
08:01What's Trump giving in return for this $400 million?
08:03Well, this is what I want to know.
08:04Melania.
08:05Do we...?
08:07Listen, have you seen Melania recently?
08:09She's not out there.
08:10She's not been seen.
08:11There's a funny new bump on the White House lawn, apparently.
08:19I just thought it'd be fun to start a rumour that she murdered his wife.
08:24Well, in return, he's building a $4.2 billion golf course
08:28in the Qatari desert.
08:30So, if he's building a golf course in the desert,
08:32aren't the sand traps going to be rather extensive?
08:36He insists the Qatari's gift of a brand-new luxury airplane
08:39comes with no strings attached.
08:42And the US presidential plane has been renamed Air Force Uoas 1.
08:48I thought it was going to be called Sleazy Jet.
08:50Sleazy Jet.
08:56Obama's going to be furious, though, isn't he, with the Qataris?
08:59Because he appointed himself as Grobbler-in-Chief
09:03when he went along to the Oval Office, you know,
09:06and handed over that envelope containing his dignity.
09:17I think it's quite unfair of the Qataris,
09:19the way they've out-Grobbled everybody else.
09:22Because they're a fantastically rich country,
09:25so they can give them a plane.
09:27How's Britain supposed to compete with that?
09:29What can we give him? A family ticket to Thorpe Park?
09:35Trump said, we have a special relationship to the Saudi leader.
09:39I mean, he used the exact words, and this is his first visit,
09:42which suggests that, I mean, this is incredible to believe,
09:45but Britain is not the most important country in the world.
09:49Wash your mouth out!
09:52Who else came on the Saudi trip with Trump?
09:54Elon Musk. He did. Yeah.
09:56Let's see how much fun Elon Musk was having.
09:58I bet he's having a great time.
10:07And Trump's told a story about a businessman
10:10that is believed to be Musk this week.
10:13Let's have a look at Trump telling this story.
10:15I'll tell you a story.
10:16I'll tell you a story.
10:17A friend of mine who's a businessman.
10:20Very, very, very top guy.
10:22Most of you would have heard of him.
10:24A highly neurotic, brilliant businessman.
10:28Seriously overweight.
10:30And he takes the fat shot drug.
10:34And he called me up, and he said,
10:38President. He used to call me Donald.
10:40Now he calls me President.
10:42So that's nice respect.
10:43But he's a rough guy, smart guy.
10:46Very successful. Very rich.
10:48I wouldn't even know how we would know this,
10:50because he's got comments.
10:51President, could I ask you a question?
10:53I'm in London.
10:55And I just paid for this damn fat drug I take.
10:58I said, it's not working.
11:00He said,
11:03I just paid $88.
11:06And in New York, I pay $1,300.
11:09What the hell is going on?
11:16Is he going to put a tariff on a zempig?
11:18No.
11:19Musk was a keynote speaker at the US-Saudi Investment Forum,
11:23which sounds fascinating.
11:25What cheery prediction did he make?
11:27Was it AI?
11:28No.
11:29Musk said,
11:36Let's have a look at one of them.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40APPLAUSE
11:46They're very lifelike, apparently, these humanoid robots.
11:49They have detachable hands.
11:51They're the Saudis.
11:56At the end of the Investment Forum,
11:58The Times reported...
12:04Just kiss already!
12:06I know.
12:07Well, the Saudi secret police were taking down the names
12:10of any locals who seemed to know the dance.
12:13What about China?
12:15Who are you doing there?
12:17It's like he's in the room, isn't it?
12:19Yeah, but we don't know who it is.
12:23Mind you.
12:24I know.
12:25It's John Inman, are you being served?
12:28I'm free.
12:29Yeah, that's him.
12:30What about China?
12:32I'm free.
12:33How's the trade war been going?
12:35Both he and China have reduced the tariffs back down to 10%
12:39from being 300% each.
12:41So they've got reciprocal tariffs, which are exactly the same,
12:44and beforehand they weren't anything.
12:46Yeah.
12:47So he's achieved nothing at all.
12:49Who's going to the peace talks on Ukraine in Turkey?
12:52Not Putin.
12:53No.
12:54Trump says he might go.
12:55Right.
12:56But then he said he wouldn't go.
12:58I think this strategy that Putin had of keeping people guessing
13:01whether he's going...
13:02It's very unfair on the caterers.
13:04Yeah.
13:07President Trump won't be going and he said of Putin,
13:09why would he go if I'm not going?
13:11Because I wasn't going to go, but I wasn't planning to,
13:13but I would go, but I wasn't planning to go,
13:15and I said I don't think he's going to go if I don't go.
13:17Like, oh, my God, Dan, you're so right, he's such a bitch,
13:20but you should have told Scarlett.
13:27This is the news that Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman
13:30of Saudi Arabia welcomed Crown Prince Donald Binfire of America.
13:40Trump was accompanied by several US businessmen,
13:43including Elon Musk, who had come to Saudi Arabia hoping to sell
13:46a lot of driverless cars, particularly to women.
13:51Qatar has presented Trump with a lavish gift
13:54in the form of a $400 million Boeing jumbo jet
13:57described as a palace in the sky, prompting Camilla to say to Charles,
14:01you may need to give him something else
14:03to go with the Duchy Originals marmalade.
14:06Ian and Chloe, here are yours.
14:09That's it. Camdami, that's Enoch Powell.
14:13That's him looking out to sea, looking for ideas.
14:16There's Yvette Cooper doing something or other.
14:18It looks like that man's holding a lactation device,
14:21and this man looks like he can lactate beer.
14:24Oh, that's a horrible image.
14:28You're welcome. Oh, wow.
14:30Nigel Farage with beer spouting from his breasts.
14:33He's going to scold me.
14:35I think that's lovely.
14:38What's going on here?
14:40The Labour Party have decided that now is the time
14:43to get tough on immigration.
14:45And Starmer made it absolutely clear that this has got nothing to do
14:49with reform winning all the seats in the local election
14:52and losing the by-election.
14:54And this is what all new governments do in this country.
14:56They come in and they say, we're going to stamp down on immigration.
14:59Then they find out that quite a lot of industries need workers.
15:04And particularly the care industry.
15:07But there has to be some policy,
15:09and successive governments haven't found one.
15:11And Keir is going to sort it out.
15:15You don't... He's upgrown for it.
15:19Quite often, their answer is, oh, AI will fix all this, doesn't it?
15:23But AI won't empty the bins and the bedpans.
15:26You know, AI is...
15:28Oh, you don't know. I mean, you say that.
15:30I mean, I can imagine a robot saying,
15:32had another piss this morning.
15:38Salute you if it takes away your piss in a bucket.
15:41That's my dream.
15:45Which phrase did Keir Starmer use that was particularly controversial?
15:49He said island of strangers.
15:51Island of strangers.
15:52And Enoch Powell said strangers in their own country.
15:54What is it, Keir Starmer's island of strangers,
15:56Enoch Powell's islands in the stream?
15:59And to be fair, the tone was very different to Powell,
16:04because he didn't say it in a sinister, creepy voice.
16:08He did a bit.
16:10Yeah, but if it was Powell, he would have said,
16:13we could be living on an island of strangers.
16:17See, that was almost as good as your John Inman.
16:20It sounded a bit like the Napoleon.
16:22I thought it was Paul McCartney.
16:24No, he spoke like that.
16:26I remember when I first joined the Beatles.
16:30He had two options, right.
16:32He could sort of go the way of reform,
16:34or he could rebel against reform.
16:35Yes.
16:36And he's just sort of, he's gone round the back of the bins
16:38and been like, all right, Nige, you know, sort of...
16:40Yeah.
16:41Nige is there smoking his cigar,
16:43Keir's probably having a watermelon vape.
16:49We keep saying on this show,
16:51the number of illegal immigrants is very small,
16:54but the number of legal immigrants is very, very large,
16:56and the Conservatives let in, you know, in 2023, 900,000 people.
17:01So, if you're letting in a million people in a year,
17:03in ten years, that's ten million, in 20 years,
17:05which isn't that long, you've added a third again to the country.
17:08So, you do have to do something.
17:10Well, I mean, perhaps we should have a sort of Tertullian spirit,
17:12because during the war, we managed to stop the Germans
17:14getting here, didn't we?
17:15Yeah.
17:18So, are you saying everyone's welcome apart from Germans?
17:21Is that your immigration?
17:23That could be a slogan, certainly.
17:27What, stop the crowds?
17:28Yeah.
17:29Well, I think that's a bit racist.
17:30Up yours, Fritz Adobe, for me.
17:34The actual measures, one of them is, as I understand it,
17:37that you won't be able to get into Britain
17:40unless you have a decent command of English.
17:43So, I think that's a lot of British holidaymakers
17:45who are not going to get into Britain.
17:50That's it.
17:54That's rather snobbish, Andy.
17:56Yeah, there is a... Yeah, no, there is a snob inside me.
18:05Clyde Cymru MP Liz Saville-Roberts had a question
18:08for the Prime Minister in PMQs.
18:10Shall we take a look at Liz in action?
18:12Yeah.
18:13So, I ask him, is there any belief he holds
18:17which survives a week in Downing Street?
18:20Yeah.
18:22Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
18:27Mr Speaker...
18:30That was a good comeback. Yeah.
18:32And the bloke sitting next to her turned around and said,
18:34he got you there, didn't he?
18:37I believe that's called a drive-by.
18:39Yeah.
18:40A mixed reaction from the two behind him,
18:42because Rachel Reeves thought it was hilarious,
18:44but Angela Rayner didn't.
18:45Shall we have another look? Yeah.
18:46Yes, the belief that she talks rubbish.
18:51I think Angela Rayner's angry cos she was going to do that gag.
18:54Yeah.
18:56Is any other country less bothered than the UK
18:59when it comes to mastery or proficiency of English?
19:02Australia. France.
19:03France.
19:04The US.
19:06Here is Donald Trump inventing a new word.
19:08The rest of the world's going to have to pay a little bit more
19:11and America's going to pay a lot less.
19:13Again, because it's a much smaller population
19:15than when you think of the whole world.
19:18So, er...
19:20Basically, what we're doing is equalising.
19:23There's a new word that I came up with,
19:25which I think is funny, but it goes with living equalised.
19:31It's good, isn't it? Yeah, it is a good word.
19:33I don't know why we didn't have it before, but we did.
19:36No. According to Robert Ford, Professor of Political Science...
19:39He knows nothing. ..at Manchester University...
19:42Bob. What did he say? Any ideas?
19:44He said, I haven't been sober for a month.
19:48He said, ratcheting up the language may be a mistake,
19:51as holding vehemently anti-immigration views
19:53isn't all that common among Labour voters.
19:55He told The Guardian...
20:02Or to give it a real-life example, the Talbot pub in Blackpool,
20:05the UK's first reform pub.
20:08Right, I'm down at the Talbot reform pub in Blackpool.
20:13Is that a bit of painting, Don?
20:15It looks like a real pub with atmosphere, doesn't it?
20:19Is it a converted crematorium?
20:22They only serve bitter.
20:30What has Nigel Farage got more of than any other UK politician?
20:34Is it beers named after him?
20:36It's not. More legs.
20:38More legs.
20:39More than any other UK politician,
20:41Nigel Farage has got digital clout.
20:44Oh, dear, you can get ointment for that.
20:48Apparently, he gets 14 times more engagement
20:52in terms of likes, comments and shares
20:54than any other political party.
20:56Wow. 14 times more.
20:57That's not a high bar, though, is it?
20:59I mean...
21:00Well, Ed Davey's out there doing good work, isn't he?
21:03What hope do the Conservative Party have?
21:06Have you got any hope left?
21:08Well, maybe there is this sort of divide opening up,
21:11this spat, isn't there?
21:12Rupert Lowe MP has called...
21:16Nigel Farage a cult?
21:17Yes.
21:18OK.
21:20And he called him a coward and a viper.
21:23Yeah.
21:24Which is quite a combination.
21:26That could be the name of their new pub, couldn't it?
21:28The Coward and the Viper.
21:31Well, according to the former Director of Communications for Reform,
21:34Gawain Towler...
21:35Yeah.
21:36..the Conservative Party have this hope...
21:38I've heard senior Tories say the best thing
21:40is that he smokes and drinks,
21:41so he's probably going to die before then.
21:43If that's the best they've got...
21:45Ooh, our best chance of winning this election
21:47is if Farage has a hernia or something.
21:50But if that's your strategy, waiting for him to pop his clogs,
21:54seems to be a bit threadbare.
21:58I didn't know you could still get your hair cut in 1947.
22:01I didn't know that.
22:03Also, is he on ketamine or am I?
22:07What has Keir Starmer had to deny doing on a train
22:10with Emmanuel Macron?
22:12Oh, yes.
22:14Oh.
22:15Yes, taking cocaine.
22:17Yeah, exactly right.
22:18He had to deny that he, Macron and German Chancellor Friedrich Merz
22:22were taking cocaine en route to Kiev after this video emerged.
22:26And look out for the drugs paraphernalia they hide.
22:28Go on, after that you will.
22:30We'll be allowed to have a drink.
22:32Yeah.
22:37Macron is apparently hiding a bag of cocaine.
22:39Merz is concealing a cocaine spoon.
22:41Yes.
22:42How do you know that?
22:43You don't, it's not true.
22:44Oh.
22:46It forced an official announcement by the Elysee Palace,
22:50who had to say it was not a Class A substance.
22:52It said, this is a tissue for blowing your nose.
22:56The Russian Foreign Ministry were quick to amplify this.
23:00They said, it's like the joke, an Englishman, a Frenchman
23:03and a German got on a train and did a line.
23:07I mean, that is a bit like a joke.
23:09Yeah.
23:10What's the latest calamity been blamed on Ed Miliband's
23:13Net Zero targets?
23:15No, what's he done now?
23:16Curry houses are doomed.
23:18No!
23:19Doomed!
23:20We're all doomed.
23:21According to The Sun,
23:22tan door ovens used in many restaurants are gas-powered.
23:25It will prove too costly to switch to cleaner electricity.
23:30According to The Sun, Shadow Energy Secretary Andrew Bowie said,
23:34Red Ed is the Balty Bandit, the Korma Killer,
23:36presiding over a chicken tikka masala meltdown
23:39of the Great British Curry House.
23:42Hello, Andrew, are you OK?
23:47The Poppadom Pirate.
23:48Hey, thank you.
23:50Staying with climate news,
23:51what a weather forecast warning is on the horizon.
23:53Drought.
23:54Yes, a spring drought is predicted.
23:56Yes.
23:57Which is a worry for farmers.
23:58Yes, it is.
23:59Especially in Norfolk, this farmer,
24:01apparently grows the country's entire supply of Kit Kats.
24:05Across many parts of the UK, the land is looking parched.
24:08On the ground, it already feels like a drought.
24:12Yes, this is Keir Starmer's controversial speech on immigration.
24:15Keir Starmer warned that Britain was at risk
24:17of becoming an island of strangers.
24:20Good, said every Londoner while not looking up from their iPhone.
24:24Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
24:27is a plan to allow migrants in,
24:29but they can only...
24:30Oh, no.
24:31I'll go back and do that again.
24:34Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
24:37is a plan to allow migrants in...
24:40Yes, that was right.
24:45I think that technically this means you can't enter the country.
24:48I can't, I can't, I've got no command of English.
24:53Among the reforms that Home Secretary Yvette Cooper has introduced
24:56is a plan to allow migrants in,
24:58but only if they can do graduate-level jobs.
25:01So that's bar work and pole dancing.
25:05Time now for Round Two.
25:06Having travelled the length and breadth of the country
25:08looking for Britain's most talented artists,
25:10I'm delighted to introduce the animal portrait...
25:15..of news.
25:16Fingers on buzzers, teams.
25:22Somewhere across the other side of the building,
25:24a toilet has just flushed.
25:26Has there been somebody up there for 35 years
25:29just waiting for this opportunity?
25:33It's a duck that's been tied to a large lump of cheese.
25:38Nope.
25:39It's a duck that's been filmed. Is that a camera?
25:41Yeah, it's a camera.
25:42Speed camera. A duck's been speeding.
25:44Is the right answer.
25:46What?
25:47A duck...
25:48A duck in Switzerland has been caught speeding
25:51in the town of Koenitz on a speed camera
25:54travelling at 32 miles an hour in a 20-mile-an-hour zone.
25:58Here is the evidence.
26:01Well, we can't see it moving there,
26:03so that's not holding up in a quarter look.
26:05Right.
26:06That could be the answer to all speeding camera finds.
26:10This may not be the first offence this particular duck has committed.
26:13No, I wouldn't have thought so.
26:14What else is it suspected of doing?
26:16Shoplifting.
26:19Bigamy.
26:22Isn't it?
26:23You want to say yes, don't you? I do.
26:25I wish it was bigamy.
26:27I think this is the second time this duck has been caught speeding.
26:30Really? Yeah.
26:31A duck was caught speeding by the same camera
26:34at the same speed on the same day seven years ago.
26:40Are they sure it's the same duck?
26:42Let's have a look.
26:43Looks like the same duck to me.
26:46That's the same duck.
26:48That is the same duck. It is, isn't it?
26:50Local police would have put a quack team on the case.
26:56Is that why we did this question?
26:58Literally.
27:00This is a duck in Switzerland caught speeding at 32mph.
27:03In fact, the only time a duck travels faster and more recklessly
27:07is if it's travelling with hoisin sauce and pancakes
27:09on the back of a Deliveroo bike.
27:11That is true. That is true. That's scientific.
27:15Your career's come to this, hasn't it? I went to RADA.
27:18Fingers on buzzers, please.
27:23Ian.
27:24It's the hawk that always features on this programme...
27:27Yes. ..that attacks people.
27:29And it's now had therapy.
27:32And it's OK again. Yeah.
27:34And so it's back in the wild, is that right?
27:37It's not back in the wild, but it is doing a lot better, yeah.
27:40This is the news, the hawk.
27:42But it was attacking bald men in... You want to pay attention, please?
27:45Yeah.
27:46Attacking bald men in...
27:47Should have been put down in my book.
27:49Yeah.
27:50In Flamstead, it's been doing very well in rehab.
27:52Oh, that's nice.
27:53You may remember we did cover this story before
27:55about a hawk in Hertfordshire. Yes.
27:57It was attacking villagers for a month before it was captured.
28:00Here is the hawk.
28:01And what do we know about the hawk's recovery?
28:03He was in the priory with a lot of other famous hawks.
28:06Yeah.
28:07Name some.
28:08Bob Hawke.
28:09Bob Hawke.
28:10Chesney Hawke.
28:11Yeah.
28:14What did the rehabilitation involve?
28:16Was it, like, exposure therapy that, like, Andy Hamilton
28:19sort of got paraded in front of him and he had to...
28:22And he was like, hold me back, hold me back, that sort of thing.
28:25That was the hardest 300 quid I've ever earned.
28:31This is the news that the notorious Flamstead hawk has been tamed.
28:34One previously attacked resident was delighted to hear
28:37that the hawk had been captured, saying...
28:43I'm not a betting man, but I think reform?
28:48Fingers on buzzers, teams.
28:53Dolphins can sing.
28:54What?
28:55Who said that?
28:56I said dolphins can sing.
28:57Oh, I thought it was a dolphin.
28:59They sing to each other.
29:00It's got a dolphin with musical notes coming out of a balloon
29:03attached to its snout, so there must be...
29:05Dolphins sing to each other, they communicate by singing,
29:07songs from the show.
29:08Yeah, it's not that they...
29:09They whistle.
29:10They communicate, they whistle.
29:11They whistle.
29:12They have a special whistle.
29:13Do you know what it signifies?
29:14Yeah.
29:17I'm here.
29:18That they find another dolphin very attractive.
29:20Like a...
29:21WHISTLES
29:22That's only the builder dolphins.
29:26New discovery.
29:27Researchers in the US have noticed that if dolphins detect
29:29something strange happening that they don't understand,
29:32they make what scientists are calling a WTF whistle.
29:36Oh.
29:37How do you think a dolphin sounds when it's caught by surprise?
29:40WHISTLES
29:41That's the clangers, isn't it?
29:42Yeah.
29:44It's very close to your Enoch Powell, to be honest.
29:47Was Enoch Powell ever in the clangers?
29:49That's a dog whistle.
29:50Yes.
29:51Fair enough.
29:55Let's hear the dolphins' whistle.
29:56Yeah.
29:59Shall we hear that again?
30:00Yeah.
30:03It's quite bird-like, isn't it?
30:05That sounds suspiciously like a bird.
30:07Are you sure you haven't been had with this story?
30:10In other animal news, what are sea lions better at than humans?
30:14Juggling balls on their nose.
30:16That's true.
30:18Snap.
30:19Architecture.
30:20Architecture's not the right answer, nor is bigamy,
30:22just before you go there.
30:25According to scientists at the University of California,
30:27sea lions are better than humans at keeping a beat.
30:30Ronan, a 15-year-old sea lion from California,
30:32was taught to bob her head in rhythm and is just as precise,
30:35if not better, than humans.
30:37Take it away, Ronan.
30:44Why are we being shown this?
30:48This is the news that dolphins have a way of saying WTF.
30:52There is also a sea lion that just loves bobbing its head
30:55along to disco music, unlike its friends,
30:57the seals, who absolutely hate clubbing.
31:01Fingers on buzzers, teams.
31:06They've been filming chimpanzees in the wild
31:08and discovered that the chimpanzees self-medicate
31:10and also there was a baby chimpanzee that was rubbing a leaf
31:13on a wound that its mother had and this has not been observed before
31:17and it shows that chimps are very well aware
31:19of which plants are medicinal.
31:21Yeah, and they know it's an early health system
31:23because there's queues of chimps throughout the whole jungle,
31:26about five miles long.
31:28Lead researcher Dr Elodie Freeman of Oxford University
31:31is very excited by these findings.
31:33If you plop me down in this forest without food or medicine,
31:36I doubt I'd last very long, but chimpanzees thrive there.
31:39Yeah, but isn't that because they're chimpanzees?
31:45What else did researchers observe chimps practising?
31:49Is it that they wipe their butts with leaves?
31:53Yeah. Is it?
31:55Yeah, they exhibit self-care practices.
31:57They wipe their bottoms and they observed cleaning up after sex,
32:02hopefully using different leaves.
32:05When you say cleaning up, do they do laundry?
32:10Can I just say that using a leaf to wipe your...
32:14I did that when I was a Boy Scout.
32:17You did? What badge were you going for?
32:21I was going for the self-care arse-wipers badge.
32:28Chimps aren't the only ones to be learning first aid.
32:30Here's the King preparing for every eventuality
32:32before breaking the news to Andrew
32:34that he's finally being evicted from the Royal Lodge.
32:47This is the news that chimps give each other first aid
32:50and wipe their bottoms.
32:51They don't fancy a job in a care home, do they?
32:54It's very rare for a primate to enjoy close proximity
32:57to the bottom of another great ape,
32:59but Keir Starmer does his best with Donald Trump.
33:02Time now for the Odd One Out round, just one between you this week.
33:05Right.
33:12Yes. Who was that? Who buzzed?
33:14Paul.
33:20Yes, this must be about name changes, doesn't it?
33:23So, the Gulf of Mexico, Trump has called it the Gulf of America
33:26and Google in America has been one of the companies that said,
33:29yes, it's called the Gulf of America until Trump goes.
33:32It'll end up being the Gulf of Donald.
33:35Yes.
33:36Oh, I don't want to see the Gulf of Donald, do you?
33:40Meghan, she can't call herself a Royal Highness, can she?
33:43But she has done.
33:45I've decided not to follow stories involving Meghan Markle...
33:49Yeah.
33:50..because I'm prioritising my mental health.
33:52Yeah.
33:55W.H. Smith, they've sort of recently had to sort of come off
33:58the high street.
33:59They used to be W.H. Smith and Son, a long time ago.
34:01And Tata Sauce has changed its name by reversing the letters.
34:04It's become Rat-Rat Sauce.
34:06That would be good, wouldn't it? Yeah.
34:08It is about changes, and she sent her card to a friend...
34:10That's right. ..and then put it online.
34:12She's not meant to call herself a Royal Highness,
34:14but she did on this card, and so she's the Odd One Out.
34:16Is the right answer. Yeah.
34:18APPLAUSE
34:20So why is the Duchess of Sussex no longer supposed to use
34:23her HRH title? Because she's not a working royal.
34:25Exactly right.
34:26When Meghan and Harry moved abroad,
34:28Buckingham Palace issued a statement saying the Sussexes
34:30will not use their HRH titles as they are no longer working
34:33members of the royal family.
34:34But then this was spotted on a gift basket of ice cream
34:37and homemade strawberry sauce sent by the Duchess.
34:41And a lovely letter M for...
34:46You've triggered me now.
34:48He's going to have...
34:49Somebody's going to have to sit with him now for the next hour.
34:52Yeah. A hawk.
34:53Yeah, a hawk.
34:56What is Prince Harry not happy about now?
34:59Is this his security?
35:00Yep.
35:01Well, he lost a court case.
35:02Yeah.
35:03And he lost in the appeal case, and he complained about it.
35:06Again.
35:07Yep, that's exactly right.
35:08Yep.
35:09He lost his case twice for automatic police protection
35:11when, in the UK, three senior judges rejected his appeal
35:14in a ruling labelled Crown vs Ginger Bollocks.
35:20Although our lawyer has told us that we shouldn't say Ginger Bollocks.
35:24He's asked us to point out Crown vs Ginger Bollocks
35:27should be the other way round.
35:29Ginger Bollocks vs Crown.
35:30LAUGHTER
35:32All of Britain's high street WH Smith stores are to be renamed
35:36after their sell-off to hobbycraft owner Medela.
35:39They've been taken down by a company called Jones.
35:41They're going to be called TG Jones.
35:43TG Jones, yes.
35:44Yeah.
35:45I know what you're thinking, Ian.
35:47Didn't he play centre-half Reverton in the 40s?
35:49And you're right.
35:50TG Jones did.
35:51Here he is.
35:52LAUGHTER
35:54What does it make you feel, that name?
35:56Proud.
35:57Proud.
35:58Proud.
35:59Proud.
36:00My own feeling was that WH Smith have, in fact,
36:03kept the WH travel shops, which, you know,
36:06sell very good magazines and outlets,
36:09including railways and airports.
36:12So don't give up on Smiths entirely.
36:15They're still fulfilling a vital public service.
36:19WH Smith's new owners, Medela, say the new name, TG Jones,
36:24continues the sense of family.
36:27Yeah, the sense of getting your nan a load of old tat for Christmas.
36:31What have Heinz changed the name of their tartar sauce to?
36:34What was the problem with tartar?
36:36I mean, don't get me started.
36:37OK.
36:38It's now got to be known as, for some reason,
36:41fish and chips sauce.
36:44According to Heinz's, and this is a real job,
36:47Director of Taste Elevation...
36:50LAUGHTER
36:54..and his name is Tiago Rapp...
36:57Put a C in front of that and you've got a very accurate name.
37:00Yeah.
37:01The sauce has been crafted to be the perfect companion
37:05for every fish-filled occasion.
37:07Is anyone here partial to a fish-filled occasion?
37:11I can't think of anything worse than an occasion filled with fish.
37:15No.
37:16Particularly if it was a warm day.
37:19I mean...
37:20In the Gulf of Donald.
37:21Yeah.
37:22How is the new fish and chips sauce different from the old sauce,
37:26the old tartar sauce?
37:27Is it exactly the same?
37:28It's exactly the same.
37:30The same basic ingredients as the original tartar sauce
37:33and was described by Heinz as tartar 2.0.
37:37Fuck everything.
37:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
37:43They have all changed their name, apart from the one
37:47They have all changed their name, apart from the Duchess of Sussex,
37:51who was still using her HRH title despite being told not to.
37:55Meghan has admitted calling herself Her Royal Highness
37:57to a select group of friends, also to some neighbours,
38:00to her business associates on her LinkedIn,
38:02her email signature, all her gas, water, electricity
38:05and broadband bills, as well as her Walmart loyalty card.
38:09Harry's court case has cost him £1.5 million,
38:13which, hopefully, Meghan can cover by selling 15 pots of jam.
38:18Time now for the Missing Words round,
38:20which this week features, as its guest publication,
38:23Swimming Pool News.
38:25Costs £4.99 plus a pound for the locker.
38:29And we start with...
38:33World's biggest veneers?
38:37Breaks world record for being a diamond geezer.
38:40You're doing my turnip. I'm trying to get that as a phrase.
38:43Doing my turnip? Doing my turnip.
38:45It's a phrase I've come up with in the last couple of days.
38:47I want to get that into the English language.
38:48One day, I want somebody on EastEnders to turn to another character
38:50and say, you're doing my turnip.
38:51Well, you know what you need to do? What's that?
38:53You need to find a Swede to say it for you.
38:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
38:59The answer is man from Billericay breaks world record
39:01for catching largest carp.
39:04Here is David Nock with his world record-winning £105 carp.
39:08Now, that is a fish-filled occasion.
39:10Yes.
39:11That means it.
39:12Yes.
39:13Absolutely.
39:15This week, a man fishing in Lake Windermere
39:17also netted a massive carp.
39:20Although that later turned out to be a typo.
39:22LAUGHTER
39:27Next, in 1994, what changed the face of swimming pools forever?
39:31Add in water.
39:34Verrucas.
39:36Is it mosaics of Alan Titchmarsh?
39:40I think you're going to kick yourself.
39:42Yeah, go on.
39:43In 1994, the introduction of variable speed ventilation fans...
39:46Oh!
39:47..changed the face of swimming pools forever.
39:49Next, adventurous pensioner plans to spend six weeks what?
39:52Wearing somebody else's teeth.
39:54No.
39:55No.
39:56Trying to remember his PIN code.
39:59Adventurous pensioner plans to spend six weeks
40:03circumnavigating Britain by bus.
40:05Oh.
40:06This is brother John Green.
40:08A lot of people find themselves sitting next to a nutter on the bus,
40:11but for some reason, it hasn't happened once to John Green.
40:15During his journey through Norfolk,
40:17he sampled the famous crabs of Cromer.
40:20Yes, those bus seats can be a bit unhygienic.
40:24Next, shipping container in Leamington Spa
40:26proved the ideal place to what?
40:28Ship goods to Leamington Spa.
40:30Build a swimming pool.
40:32Is the right answer!
40:34APPLAUSE
40:40The article describes the exciting new facility as an...
40:50Next, Blue Peter legend Valerie Singleton recalls the time
40:53she waved at a hot air balloon before what?
40:57Shooting it down with her air rifle.
41:01It was a great episode, wasn't it?
41:03Blue Peter legend Valerie Singleton recalls the time
41:05she waved at a hot air balloon before remembering she was topless.
41:11I really don't remember that episode.
41:14No, she was commentating on Trooping The Colour.
41:16Oh.
41:18After realising her mistake, Valerie Singleton said...
41:21She was a bit too late to reach a towel.
41:23Luckily, she was able to fashion a bra out of old yoghurt pots
41:26and sticky-back glasses.
41:28Finally, cat which went missing for three weeks what?
41:31Lived on beer. I saw this story in Deal.
41:33Is the right answer!
41:35Leah the cat was trapped under the neighbours' floorboards
41:37for three weeks and was found with a half-drunk can
41:39of French lager nearby.
41:41Here is Leah the cat after being rescued.
41:45As you can see, absolutely delighted.
41:48As was her owner.
41:52As soon as the cat went missing, the owners put up posters,
41:55though unfortunately the only picture they had
41:57was one the cat had texted her boyfriend in private.
42:05So, the final scores are...
42:08Ian and Chloe have three, but Paul and Andy are this week's
42:10winners with nine!
42:15But before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
42:18All right, well, President Xi is saying,
42:21you pour the tea and you drink it first.
42:33Here's a bonus one for you.
42:35Camilla plants a friend for Charles to talk to.
42:39In a moment of compassion, Prince Andrew is given
42:41a much-needed drink.
42:49On which note, we say thank you to our panellists,
42:51Ian Hislop and Chloe Petz, Paul Merton and Andy Hamilton,
42:54and I leave you with news that at a nursery school in Michigan,
42:57one player throws a tantrum,
42:59insisting they did win that game of Snap.
43:05In a crime crackdown in Bolivia,
43:07the nation's three most prolific shoplifters
43:09are paraded through the streets.
43:13And in Regent's Park, at their annual group outing,
43:16a member of the Society of the Hard of Hearing shouts,
43:19let's have a big cheer for the organisers.
43:25Goodnight.
43:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE