- 5/19/2025
Malcolm In The Middle Season 7 Episode 4 Halloween
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TVTranscript
00:00...all for anything. It's five bucks a pop.
00:02I'm in. The hole in the bathroom wall.
00:03Me too. Dad's camera.
00:05All right, Dewey. You're off the hook.
00:08You too.
00:13You're supposed to wait till I got my money.
00:17Yes, no, maybe.
00:21I don't know.
00:24Can you repeat the question?
00:27You're not the boss of me now
00:30You're not the boss of me now
00:33You're not the boss of me now
00:36And you're not so big
00:39You're not the boss of me now
00:42You're not the boss of me now
00:44You're not the boss of me now
00:47And you're not so big
00:50Life is unfair
00:57and after the autopsy on the victim the coroner himself went completely insane
01:10this is so cool this guy started this death tour showing people all the places in town
01:19where grizzly murders took place he petted it with a couple of suicides but come on close enough
01:25now coming up on your left the site where one of the most gruesome multiple murders in the history
01:34of the state took place look if you dare at this house of pure evil
01:41i can't believe we've been living here this whole time and we didn't even know about the murders
01:58man i always assumed i'd do the coolest thing in this house but that guy said the bar pretty high
02:03come on there were no murders here a guy bought a hearse and then he realized he had to cover his
02:10monthly payments and so he made up this phony death tour it's the oldest trick in the book
02:15tell him honey i got jamie the cutest halloween costume he's gonna be a little tiger
02:20honey
02:23oh my god it's true hal bad things happen all the time but nothing this bad
02:32lois can i talk to you for a moment
02:35you knew we were buying a death house and you didn't tell me i didn't tell you because i knew
02:43you'd have this reaction well of course i'd have this reaction i don't like murder maybe that's
02:49something you should know about me well it's always something with you you passed on that one house
02:54because you thought the doorbell sounded gay you can't have a perfect house it would be nice to have
02:59a murderless one well you should just drop it because there's nothing we can do about it
03:04death and mold are two things you can expect to find at any house and we are not moving
03:09there's mold
03:11i cannot believe they called me into work
03:19i requested halloween off eight months ago and suddenly mary beth becomes a wiccan so she can take
03:25it as a religious holiday there will be more halloweens barring some tragic event but this is
03:31the good one you know there's such a tiny window where the kids are still sweet and adorable and you
03:37can dress them up however you want every year after that halloween's just another trip to the
03:42police station well life is unfair lois and sometimes it's cut horrifically short with no warning
03:49whatsoever i think if i send jamie out with the boys i can catch up with him during my break i mean
03:54i'll only be able to do a couple of houses with him how what are you doing oh it's uh it's time jamie
04:02had a nightlight why'd you put over by his crib he wants it here
04:07it just doesn't make sense why would you fake being sick on halloween
04:14i'm not faking it i feel like crap must have gotten it from that death tour guy
04:19i thought his clammy handshake was just part of the act
04:22you gotta keep your immune system in shape malcolm every once in a while pick some gum off the seat
04:28and chew it out to prevention dude all right you know the plan you two are taking jamie
04:35no eggs no stink bombs no matches no catapults no mace
04:39fine
04:40no explosives of course not
04:47no water balloons no spray paint no gasoline no shaving cream no toilet paper
04:53wouldn't even think of it
04:56no ladder no compressor no soup you told her i did not all right i know your route i will
05:04catch up with you when i take my break to see how adorable and safe jamie is
05:09so um any idea when that might be you don't need to know when all you need to know is if you even
05:18think about doing anything stupid i will swoop down under the sky and land on you like a ton of
05:24bricks so the usual
05:26shouldn't you be in bed i got sick of lying there so i thought i'd look on the internet for stuff about
05:39the murders i got police reports crime photos newspaper articles there's a ton of stuff really
05:47the guy's name was gareth stringer normal guy scout master everybody loved it so one day out of nowhere
05:54he comes home from work and murders his entire family
05:57they say he lived here with five headless bodies for a week before he finally killed himself
06:03for a whole week huh
06:05that's where the wife's body was found
06:08he put all the tongues in a pile right there
06:12so i guess that must have been skin wall
06:16and that was hair corner
06:19over there were
06:21finger puppets
06:23oh finger puppets
06:27wow the really freaky stuff happened in the kitchen
06:30oh and in the bathroom and the bedroom too
06:34malcolm
06:34is there any place in this house where bloody pieces of dismembered bodies weren't found
06:40well
06:41yes right there
06:45right here
06:46that's where they all bait for mercy
06:49boop
06:50thank you
06:54so craig i understand the bandana and the eyepatch
06:59but why would a pirate have blood dripping out of his mouth
07:02oh i tried holding a dagger in my teeth
07:04i'll tell you those pirates are a lot tougher than they're depicted in the media
07:09finally break time
07:12i'm gonna go do a little trick-or-treating with jamie
07:14hey hey hey
07:21what are these
07:23i must have knocked those in my pocket accidentally
07:26no i saw you put them in your pocket craig
07:29you saw them too didn't you
07:30oh sorry the patch is over my good eye
07:33well i'm already into my break
07:36you handled this craig so i can get going
07:38sure no problem
07:39did you just wink at him
07:42oh you're serious
07:45craig he committed a crime
07:47sure that's one side of it
07:49but if he didn't steal from us
07:50he'd just be stealing from somewhere else
07:52and then we'd be losing a customer
07:54do you want to be responsible for that
07:56margie
07:58will you take care of this
08:00what
08:01it's halloween
08:02i can't believe this
08:04we are talking about the law here
08:06we have a certain procedure we follow
08:09when we catch a shoplifter
08:10because that's the law
08:11it's the only thing that keeps us from anarchy and chaos and riots in the streets
08:17well move it
08:20jackpot tonight
08:23i know five houses in a row that use the honor system
08:27that never happens
08:28you're a lucky charm jamie
08:30now listen jamie
08:31candy is full of sugar and it's terrible for you
08:35so suck down as much as you can tonight
08:38before mom takes it away from you
08:39trick or treat
08:43sweet no answer
08:48now you get to experience the true spirit of halloween jamie
08:51ready
08:58one
08:59two
09:01for the delay
09:02getting used to my new harry
09:03oh no you don't
09:07will don't
09:08run
09:18one
09:20right
09:22ok
09:25up
09:29I don't know.
09:59Oh, damn it, Chewie!
10:18Chewie!
10:22Chewie!
10:23Oh, an axe in the head?
10:26Do you think that's funny?
10:27If you had a real axe in your head, you wouldn't be laughing.
10:30Except if you had an involuntary muscle spasm.
10:33Does that sound like a good time?
10:35I got this.
10:36Nice costumes.
10:38Thank you!
10:41Dad, are you going to be okay handing out candy?
10:48Of course.
10:48Because I should really try to get some rest.
10:59Sure.
10:59Uh-huh.
11:15Dad.
11:16I just wanted to make sure you were safe, Malcolm.
11:19Okay.
11:23Do you feel safe?
11:26Dad.
11:27I know the murders were sick and creepy, but they happened 20 years ago.
11:31And they don't bother you at all?
11:33No.
11:33I mean, the murderer's dead, so it's not like he's coming back.
11:39Right.
11:41Right.
11:41I mean, that would be crazy.
11:44Dad, you don't believe in ghosts, do you?
11:49Malcolm, please.
11:51Do you?
11:52Do you mean, do I believe in dead people floating around saying,
11:56Ooh!
11:58Of course not.
12:00But I mean an energy?
12:02A life force?
12:03A soul that upon death separates from the body and inhabits another plane,
12:07crying out to the living in a horrific wail of unbearable pain?
12:11Oh, absolutely.
12:13Dad.
12:13You yourself told me that string theory says
12:16there are 11 different dimensions occupying the same space.
12:21A cell?
12:21So, who's to say we can't be affected by things we don't see?
12:26What science calls wormholes is...
12:29...actually matter.
12:30It's energy.
12:31A life force.
12:32It's together in the cosmos.
12:34Don't you see that?
12:35All of which points to one stubborn, undeniable fact,
12:39that we are living in a known portal for evil.
12:43And now that we know it, and it knows we know it,
12:45of course it would come back to kill us.
12:47And of course it would come back tonight.
12:50You don't have much to say when your science comes back at you, do you?
13:03Honey?
13:04Honey?
13:08Reese?
13:12Dewey?
13:17Both here?
13:34What's that?
13:52Or was that not the sound of someone looking for his head?
13:55But you said you'd send a patrol car 20 minutes ago!
14:12Low priority?
14:14It's still against a lot of steel, isn't it?
14:18Fine, fine.
14:19We'll be here.
14:20Unbelievable.
14:26I get one break from 7 to 7.20.
14:29That break is now over!
14:32Instead of spending it with my adorable little two-year-old son,
14:35I spend it with you!
14:37Lady, I have six warrants for my arrest,
14:39and I'm supposed to feel sorry for you?
14:43Lois, I've been thinking about it.
14:45I just want you to know I'm sorry.
14:47I believe in you and what you're doing here.
14:49You're doing the right thing.
14:51Are you drunk?
14:54Chilti is garged.
14:56Aren't you on the clock?
14:57But it's a party,
14:59and they invited me,
15:00knowing full well that being wanted is my kryptonite.
15:04Party?
15:04So they're all drinking out there?
15:06Attention, Lucky Age shoppers.
15:08Who's gonna come up here and kiss me right now?
15:11Dammit.
15:12Oh my God!
15:13No one cares about the rules!
15:16No one cares about lawbreakers!
15:19Fine!
15:20Why am I the only sap?
15:22Since it's complete anarchy,
15:23I am taking my meal break early.
15:26That's right!
15:27I'm overlapping with Joan!
15:30Look at that.
15:32I didn't even line it up right.
15:33So do I get to go now?
15:41You think you got someplace more fun than this?
15:44Go if you want.
15:45Put a bunch of chips and dip
15:47are about to get damaged,
15:49if you know what I mean.
15:51We're gonna eat them.
15:52You know, I think Halloween really agrees with Jamie.
15:59He's standing up straighter.
16:01And he didn't try to pee on that dog.
16:06Is that the old guy from the egging?
16:08No, that guy had glasses.
16:12Oh, the first egging.
16:15Oh, yeah.
16:21I think he's chasing us.
16:23Yeah.
16:24I guess he is.
16:25So we should try to get away.
16:31Yeah.
16:32I guess we have no choice.
16:40Whew!
16:41That was close.
16:42There's boys.
16:45Oh, yeah.
16:46There you go, some hot tea.
17:15Are you warm enough? I can turn on the defroster.
17:18I'm good, Dad.
17:19I just want to make sure you're comfortable.
17:21Well, you couldn't let me stay in the house.
17:24No, no. We're safe out here.
17:36Isn't this nice?
17:38Tell me what's going on in your life.
17:41Got a special girl?
17:43Oh, hey.
17:46We're over here.
17:48Got Candy in the car.
17:49I can't sleep on this holiday.
17:53Stay out of me now.
17:54Look, Candy!
17:55Oh, there you are.
17:56There you go.
17:59Here you go.
18:00Would you mind lifting up your mask?
18:08Great! Just checking.
18:09Thank you. Good night.
18:16God, I hate when I want to talk about your costumes.
18:18They know what we're here for. Just pay up so we can go.
18:21Thank you!
18:26Hey, look at that.
18:28You all guys still after us.
18:31You gotta admire it.
18:32I hope when I'm his age, I still have enough hate to do what he's doing.
18:35Oh, there's my little tiger.
18:38You are so adorable.
18:41If you boys got him involved in anything bad, I will...
18:45Mom, relax.
18:46We've just been very busy getting here.
18:48Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just so frazzled.
18:50I almost didn't make it.
18:52I wasted my whole break sitting with some shoplifter and no one else even considered coming to help.
18:57I mean, can you believe that?
18:59I'm the one who suffers and they're the one who are breaking all the rules.
19:02You know, this one time, I accidentally accepted a Canadian quarter and they took it out of my paycheck
19:08based on that day's exchange rate.
19:11And you know that when they deposited that quarter, the rate was way, way lower.
19:15Did I complain?
19:16No, because I'm a team player.
19:18Mom, we saved you the best stretch of houses.
19:21They're right around that corner.
19:22Really?
19:24Let's go, sweetie.
19:27Who is that guy?
19:40Dad.
19:40I'm awake.
19:43What are you doing?
19:43Get in the car.
19:44It's okay.
19:45I have proof that murders never happened here.
19:47Some of the police reports didn't seem right, so I went to the city planning office website.
19:55Sometime after the murders, they split up a double lot down the street and that changed
19:59all the addresses.
20:00Look, that's the zoning map.
20:03The murders weren't here.
20:05All these articles are about the house next door.
20:07Oh, look at that.
20:10Ha!
20:10That sucker!
20:12You know how much he paid for that house?
20:13Have fun in hell, Peterson!
20:17Let me see what he got himself in here.
20:19Uh, no, no, no.
20:20The pictures are really graphic.
20:21You shouldn't...
20:22Wait a minute.
20:24That's our wallpaper.
20:26And that's the counter.
20:29How come their house doesn't look like this?
20:31This is our house.
20:36What is going on here?
20:38Fine.
20:39I made it up because I'm sick of your insanity.
20:41I dumbed up a phony webpage to calm you down.
20:43So you were going to let me think that I was safe?
20:46I wasn't going to sit in the car with you all night.
20:48I'm sick.
20:48I was protecting you!
20:50From what, Dad?
20:53From ghosts?
20:56Well, I say bring them on.
20:58I hereby summon all ghosts and goblins.
21:01No, no, no, no, no.
21:02Come, phantoms and specters from the gates of hell.
21:05Thou art hereby invited.
21:07He's kidding!
21:09That's the kind of language they respond to.
21:11I challenge ye to prove me wrong.
21:13Go ahead, rip the skin from our bones and feast on our innards.
21:18We are lambs for your slaughter.
21:22Swallow this house into the bowels of hell!
21:27No!
21:28No!
21:37Run!
21:38Run from this place!
21:39It never returned!
21:45That guy was good.
21:46Hey, you're right.
21:55The candy you steal off other kids really does taste better.
21:58I'm telling you, it's the fear.
22:03Trick.
22:06Come on, admit it, geezer, you're not going to catch us.
22:09You're just too old and too slow.
22:12Let's go, Dewey.
22:17Wow!
22:18Look at that!
22:20Could it be any more perfect?
22:21Hey!
22:29I'm stuck!
22:31Me too!
22:32Hey!
22:40Boy, call me a prude, but these pictures of Mrs. Key's given birth are not as sexy as I thought.
22:47Well, that one's not bad.
22:49Craig, I want to get some pictures of Jamie in his costume, so why don't you give me a roll?
22:53Hey, Lois!
22:54How do you expect you back so soon?
22:56Oh, nice!
22:58So now we're invading our customers' privacy.
23:01Why don't you just open up the pharmacy files and see what's there?
23:04Been there.
23:05Done that.
23:06FYI, I wouldn't get too chummy with Mr. or Mrs. Sanders.
23:10Our heart is six wings.
23:13Excuse me, ma'am.
23:13Can I have a word with you?
23:15Well, I'm glad to see you finally found the time to show up, officer, but our shoplifter is long gone.
23:20I'm not here about a shoplifter.
23:23That's her!
23:23Mommy!
23:27Oh, Allison, are you okay?
23:31Hands behind your back, ma'am.
23:34This is wrong!
23:35You're making a mistake!
23:36Don't worry, Lois.
23:38If you need a character witness at your trial, you got me.
23:42Uh-oh.
23:50Have you boys learned your lesson yet?
23:53Ha!
23:53You stupid old man!
23:54I'll never learn my lesson!
23:57Ow!
24:00Oh!
24:03I just want you to know I'm sorry.
24:06A lot of things were said here, and I know it got out of hand, but I don't want you to take this personally.
24:13It's okay.
24:15I was out of line two.
24:16I wasn't talking to you.
24:20Anyway, Gareth, you should know.
24:23Dad!
24:23Malcolm, let me work with him!
24:25No!
24:28Dad, I know you're afraid, but you've got to work through your fear.
24:32Because it leads to this, and this is insanity.
24:35I mean, okay, we live in a universe that we can't control or understand, and that can be frightening sometimes.
24:42I have fears, too.
24:43But the only way we can get through our lives is by tamping down those fears.
24:47Because if we don't try to explain things rationally, the world stops making any sense at all.
24:58Like that moan?
24:59We have to believe there's a perfectly logical explanation for it.
25:03We have to!
25:07Or that...
25:10It can mean whatever we want to mean.
25:12The important thing is...
25:13That was Jamie, wasn't it?
25:28Sure was.
25:29You okay, buddy?
25:43Here is in dakika.
25:44Here is a favourite Is Ife.
25:46O từCH.
25:47On Partner Smart
25:49B Ibiza
25:50Wolverine
25:51Movie
25:53To The Metro
25:54You know?
25:54Let's go for here and see if you're listening.
25:55It is in DP1Hip.
25:56It is in Communityland But fear.
25:56The绿子
25:59Is isn't yours for your sorgerity.
26:00Have a good kiosks
26:03With it…
26:06In theปest ADC level II,
26:08We hope you feel that you'll find your 2021 best..
26:08Open it.
26:09You've never been confirmed
26:10I'd better report you all for the time.
26:11You might beдеemed.
26:12You
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