- 4/23/2025
It's always like old times whenever Craig Shoemaker stops by the studio. Craig is one of the first comics to be on the air with John 36 years ago
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00:00Philadelphia's very own Craig Shoemaker back in town for his summer tour.
00:19Just to be clear, I'm not performing in the spa while you're getting your massage.
00:24I've got some jokes for you.
00:26It's kind of a fun thing.
00:28Right, these rocks are really hot.
00:30That's the joke.
00:32How are you?
00:33I'm fantastic.
00:34I love being back here right with the accent.
00:37I already asked for a water this morning.
00:39I said, get him a water.
00:41And the intern says, from the arrowhead, he goes, no, from the toilet.
00:47Which also has a good Philadelphia.
00:49Give him water from the toilet.
00:52I just love being back here.
00:54I'm surprised you don't come back more.
00:57Every summer we see you.
00:59Yeah.
01:00But that's the only time we ever see you.
01:02No, I'll be back in October.
01:03Oh, you will be?
01:04Okay.
01:05This time is my shore trip.
01:06No family this time.
01:08That's the first thing I asked Steve.
01:10I said, how many kids are with him?
01:12I'm so happy.
01:13I'm not spending money.
01:14I'm spending the entire time with my family going, how can I get a discount?
01:18I need a discount.
01:19We went to New York and I found a discount on one of those carriage rides through Central Park.
01:23Right.
01:24Six dollars.
01:25All four kids.
01:26I go, get in.
01:27My wife, my son who's dead.
01:28It's six dollars a minute.
01:29I'm going, get the hell out.
01:30Get out.
01:31You're walking.
01:32You're walking.
01:33You need to walk through Central Park.
01:34You gotta take it all in.
01:35I try to get a senior discount at the Empire State Building.
01:38I go to the counter like I don't have teeth.
01:40Yeah.
01:41You have an elevator?
01:42I have a bad hip.
01:44Hey.
01:46It's constantly, and then I'll have my kids lie about their age.
01:49All right.
01:50We went to Legoland.
01:51It says $80 a ticket.
01:52It says 12 and under half price.
01:53I turn to my teenager and go, you're 12.
01:55He's like, I can't.
01:56I got a deep voice.
01:57I go, how's that?
01:58I punched him in the nuts.
01:59He's like, okay, dad.
02:00He wears a tank top with hairy armpits.
02:03I have to go up to the counter like a T-Rex with his arms tight.
02:08Don't show him the pits.
02:10He goes, oh, that big voice.
02:12I'll do anything to say, and I will never pay for beach tag.
02:16I can tell you this.
02:19The beach tag lady comes, I'm going in the water.
02:21Oh, yeah.
02:22I taught my kids.
02:23You either pretend you're asleep, dead, or hitting the water.
02:27You see them coming.
02:29At least they've improved their look.
02:31Used to be a bunch of old guys in pith helmets.
02:34Now it just seems there's just angry women who are doing beach tags.
02:40You know what I do now?
02:41I have a new trick.
02:42What's that?
02:43I have a bathing suit, and I just let my legs go out.
02:47There's a little hint of nut.
02:50If you want to see somebody run.
02:53A little middle-aged guy driving a minivan with a little nut hanging out.
03:02No beach tag charge.
03:04I'll clear the entire area.
03:06There are people around me and other towels that are happy when I'm there.
03:10I see them coming down all of a sudden.
03:12They make a beat like that.
03:14I got tricks.
03:15You have to have them when you've got kids.
03:17How many kids do you have now?
03:20I have four.
03:21I have a four-year-old.
03:22She's two years out of diapers.
03:24I'm about two years from being in my own.
03:27That's true.
03:28By the way, my theory is once they can walk out of the diapers.
03:31Right.
03:32When they can walk, they find hiding spots and take a dump.
03:34Yeah, that's what they do.
03:35They go in the corner.
03:36A 19-month-old.
03:37I had to think about that for a second.
03:38Yeah, these two have like a year and a half old.
03:40Yeah, we're in that camp.
03:41And you can't find them, but you can hear them.
03:42Yeah.
03:43It sounds like an adult weightlifter.
03:48Where are they?
03:49And then they poke their head up like a meerkat.
03:52Like looking over there.
03:53Looking for the enemy.
03:54Looking for enemy prey over there.
03:56Whoop!
03:57Whoop!
03:58They pop their head up.
03:59And then you lock eyes with them.
04:00And they give you that look like, you're walking on me taking a dump.
04:03I don't walk on you reading.
04:04You're reading the paper on the toilet.
04:06Give me a shot here.
04:07I'm behind the couch.
04:08I found my spot.
04:09So, thank God.
04:11That's it for me.
04:12It's number four.
04:13It's no more diapers.
04:14Okay.
04:15All right.
04:16We're good.
04:17By the way, you guys gave me a wonderful welcome.
04:18I don't get that in my house.
04:19Yeah.
04:20What a surprise.
04:21Welcome to our lives.
04:22I had all these kids thinking I'm going to have...
04:24I walk in, they turn their chairs like they're judges on The Voice.
04:27Yeah, Dad.
04:28Good to see you.
04:29Boom.
04:31I just...
04:32I'm happy to have a family.
04:33I had a lousy family.
04:34Well, yeah.
04:35You did have a rough life going on.
04:36Well, Dad left when I was born.
04:37I'm like, something I said?
04:38Wah.
04:39Gone.
04:40Then I'm raised by all females.
04:43Every year, my mom dressed me as a girl for Halloween.
04:46I'm a hooker, a go-go girl.
04:48You think I wanted this?
04:50My friends are ghosts and sheets running house to house.
04:52I'm a geisha girl, clogs, chopsticks in my head.
04:55Guys, wait up.
04:56You ever try to run like that with no peripheral vision?
05:01She made me have slanty eyes.
05:04I'm not kidding you.
05:05She took legs pantyhose and took an exacto knife and made half moons and jammed them in
05:10my eyes so I could have the full geisha girl effect.
05:13You wonder why I'm a comic.
05:15And then one year, I swear to you, this is true, she comes home.
05:19I'm not going to be a girl this year.
05:20I'm so happy.
05:21She has green food dye strips in my underwear.
05:24I dyes my entire body green so I can be the jolly green giant.
05:28And there was so much left over.
05:29My sister was the little green sprout.
05:31She puts a toga on us and made me do this on every door.
05:34Knock, knock.
05:35Ho, ho, ho.
05:36My sister would go, green giant.
05:39Can't just show up with a bag?
05:42Well, that's what they do nowadays.
05:44With a worse mask?
05:45Yeah, yeah.
05:46They just expect stuff.
05:47They just show up, look, I got dressed here.
05:49Exactly.
05:50And they barely got dressed.
05:51Right.
05:52My mom was full on.
05:53She was like with the cast of Cats, you know, like the costumer.
05:58She was so into it.
05:59But yeah, LA is a whole other story though.
06:01What part of town did you grow up in?
06:03Mount Airy.
06:04In Mount Airy?
06:05In Mount Airy.
06:06Okay.
06:07And that was when we were like more in the city.
06:09Right.
06:10And then we moved to the suburbs.
06:11Thank God.
06:12I was already in a gang at 11.
06:13You know what they would make me do?
06:14It was called the Pit Gang.
06:15Okay.
06:16And they were these like teenagers.
06:18And I was really small.
06:19And I was a scrawny kid, but I wanted to be, you know, I wanted to have, you know, bonding
06:23with men.
06:24I didn't have a dad.
06:25They would make me break into houses because I was small.
06:28They would go, here you go.
06:29And they'd find a little window and they'd go, here, get in there and unlock the door
06:34for us.
06:35So I was like, yeah.
06:36Wow.
06:37I didn't know about your criminal past.
06:38Are you kidding me?
06:39Oh God.
06:40I tell my kids stories, right?
06:41I don't read them books at night.
06:43I read, I tell them stories about me growing up in Philadelphia and the stories don't end
06:47in happily ever after.
06:48They usually end in, and then the cops came.
06:51I got arrested.
06:52I was a delinquent.
06:53I'll never forget the cop says to me, how would you like to end up breaking one of these
06:56guys on the poster?
06:57I'm going, at least he's wanted.
06:58That's a true story.
06:59That was my feeling.
07:00We don't have juvenile delinquents anymore.
07:01Have you noticed that?
07:02Are you serious?
07:03No, no, no, no.
07:04They call them other things.
07:05No, no.
07:06Juvenile delinquent is gone.
07:07And that's it.
07:08They're gone.
07:09They left about 1968.
07:10And I haven't seen the juvenile.
07:11And now they're just, you know, young criminals.
07:12My area, there's these kids.
07:13Well, where you're right.
07:14I live outside L.A.
07:15Right.
07:16And all my kids.
07:17I don't know.
07:18I don't know.
07:19I don't know.
07:20I don't know.
07:21I don't know.
07:22I don't know.
07:23I don't know.
07:24Well, you're right.
07:25I live outside L.A.
07:26Right.
07:27And oh, my God.
07:28These entitled kids.
07:29Uh-huh.
07:30Here's the other thing that's different.
07:31They love disorders.
07:33They like to have disorders.
07:34Uh-huh.
07:35We hated it.
07:36We tried to avoid it.
07:37We used to fake injuries and stuff.
07:38Right.
07:39Remember the temperature?
07:40They always give you a temperature.
07:41Right.
07:42And as soon as she'd go in the other room, you'd run it under hot water.
07:43Or put it up in a light bulb.
07:44Right.
07:45Yeah, you're right.
07:46He was like, here you go.
07:47And they come in and they go, oh, he's dead.
07:49But those were the clever days.
07:51But now they all have ADD.
07:53You know what ADD stands for?
07:54Attention Deficit.
07:55You were a kid once.
07:56Let's be honest.
07:57What normal kid pays attention?
07:58Right.
07:59Yeah.
08:00Every kid come up to you.
08:01I hear everything you were saying.
08:02I am focused.
08:03I'm looking you right beyond.
08:04What would you like me to do?
08:05I have an attention surplus.
08:06I'm going to rewire our home.
08:08I was just called hyperactive.
08:10I was so hyper.
08:11I used to sleepwalk and wet my sister's bed.
08:13Nobody gave me drugs for it.
08:15They just turned me around.
08:16Pee in your own bed.
08:17That's how you learn.
08:18Right?
08:19And they dressed the kids for baseball.
08:22I coach baseball.
08:24All these pads.
08:25Cage helmet.
08:26It's a ball out of landmine hurt locker.
08:32Covered in Kevlar like a beekeeper.
08:35And I'm going, it's unbelievable.
08:37And I swear to God, this one kid, he comes up to bat.
08:40It does not move.
08:41He doesn't want to be there.
08:42He just, he knows he's going to get a game ball.
08:44You have to have a list.
08:46It's a list.
08:47It's not based on achievement.
08:48Right.
08:49Who gets one?
08:50Rick.
08:51I have to make up stuff.
08:52Jake has one because he took a walk.
08:54And then everybody's around him like mental patients.
08:56Jake walked.
08:57He's our hero.
09:00Gilbert Godfrey was there?
09:02He's my hero.
09:04Yeah, the mothers are all like.
09:07They're so annoying.
09:08So the kid comes up to bat.
09:09I swear to you.
09:10Strike one.
09:11Strike two.
09:12Doesn't move an inch.
09:13Five mothers are allowed.
09:14Good try, Harrison.
09:17That was a try?
09:19That was a try?
09:20Try to look like a statue.
09:21He's a winner.
09:23And all the moms, there are no winners.
09:24There are no losers.
09:25Of course there's losers.
09:26I even became a comedian for winning.
09:28I was a Jolly Green Giant Acacia girl.
09:30I didn't win.
09:31That's why you have to have losers.
09:35That's the thing.
09:36And they named them.
09:37I can't even say the names.
09:39Yeah.
09:40You know, this one kid.
09:41There's no outs.
09:42There's no outs.
09:43No runs for the first two years.
09:44I go, he's out.
09:45Seven helicopter mothers surround me like zero dark 30 to Bin Laden compound.
09:50No, no, he's not out.
09:52Read the rules, coach.
09:53I apologize.
09:54You made Geoff cry.
09:57Geoff.
09:58Oh, yeah.
09:59Geoff.
10:00You're out.
10:01You're out by a mile.
10:02It's going to happen again in life.
10:03Right, Geoff?
10:04Tell your parents your name is Geoff.
10:05Gotta call this kid Geoff with a straight face for a whole year.
10:08You can't nickname him.
10:09I go, good catch, Ben.
10:10All the mothers.
10:12No, coach.
10:13We named him Benjamin.
10:15We named you back in the stands, Medevac.
10:18He called...
10:20Shorten their name.
10:21My last name is Shoemaker.
10:22Still in Philly, they still call me Shoe.
10:24Yeah.
10:25Steve Wartenberg is Ward.
10:26Stagliano is Stag.
10:27I mean, Scott Astor wasn't fond of this method, but he dealt with it.
10:31And Tony Puccini had to move that poor guy.
10:34I don't know where the hell he ever went from third grade.
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