Comedian Carlos Mencia on The John DeBella Show

Beasley Digital

Transcript

00:00classic rock 102.9 mgk uh you're a lesson in radio for everyone today how to make the comic

00:19really feel comfortable

00:21wow you went speedy gonzalez on me that's awesome

00:29that is you know what's sad is that there's nothing newer that's as offensive as that

00:35which bothers me that we gotta go that far back like hey somebody can somebody come up with

00:41something offensive to my people please like like i think the most offensive thing to latinos right

00:47now would be anything that trump says regarding immigration like that's maybe what you should

00:51have right there it'd be totally offensive i can play the wall by pink floyd if you want oh that

00:57would be perfect do you realize you have been on the air with us yes over a dozen times over a

01:02decade right right and this is the first time you're physically in the studio i haven't performed

01:07in philly for over a decade like actually in philly for a weekend and i love love love love doing those

01:15shows because you get to feel people you get to you know you get to see what it's like you get to

01:19interact you get to you know like like as an example i've been here more than once so on my facebook

01:25page i normally ask like where's a good place to get a taco and so here everybody was like

01:30you gotta ask where's the best place to get a cheesesteak like really like every so no what i

01:35really want to know if you go to my facebook page and vote is where's the best place to get crab

01:39fries because it's the only place in the world where you get those things all right nowhere else

01:43can you get crab fries there's probably only one place to get them right right yeah is there the

01:47only one place it's just one place it's one establishment that has multiple places throughout the city

01:52it's chicken pizza chicken pizza yeah yeah so then we're gonna go to chicken pizza but then there's

01:57always hole in the walls that's why i discovered oh chicken pizza's horrible it's where everybody goes

02:02you gotta go to grandma nana's and then you end up at grandma nana's you know with a woman who's

02:07scratching her underarm and putting herself on your fries and you don't know whether that's the secret

02:11ingredient you know what i mean like that's the bad that's the best like i'll take you to a mexican

02:16restaurant where there's a roach but you will leave gone the food was ridiculous what about

02:22the roach you got to ignore the roach look at the roach like it's mexican background music

02:27it's really not there it's really not there so you go with the flow no but i'm really looking forward

02:34to the weekend well now speaking of the flow uh there is a lot of water happening here in town this

02:39weekend yes right and you're from california yes right and when it's when it rains out in california

02:44you people go nuts you don't even know what the hell to do okay so uh this is real last week i was

02:51performing and uh it rained the night of a show i was in brea california okay we and it just sprinkle

03:00rained not torrential rain sprinkle rain like this morning kind of stuff 49 people didn't show up for

03:06each show sold out show by the way sold out show 49 people that's los angeles oh my god it's raining

03:14what are we gonna do and there's 8 000 accidents two raindrops hit the five and it's like hydroplane

03:22how do you hydroplane on two drops but that's that's all of america it's it's catching up like

03:28we're spoiled right because we get great weather all the time but america as a whole is beginning to

03:33become a very complaining whiny society it's always like i was in new york uh last night and i had never

03:42heard new yorkers complain about rain and last night that's all they were doing oh my god the weather's

03:48so bad i'm like oh my god this has never been you guys what is going on everybody's becoming a

03:55complainer because we listen to them like now when kids complain we pay attention to them when i was a

04:01kid they'd be like leave him alone he's gonna be fine you know dad his fingers on the floor he's

04:07gonna pick it up it's fine you know like wait let's figure dad's in fingers yes my father is

04:13losing finger right yeah i was gonna say your dad's missing a thumb my father is missing his uh

04:18right thumb yeah he got it cut off in an industrial accident at 3 48 p.m on a thursday

04:236 30 a.m the next morning that man was back at work i love him and i hate him i hate him

04:30do you know what it's like guys to have a dad that you cannot say anything negative you i cannot

04:36complain about anything like anything i remember one time i called him up and i said dad i literally

04:44lost my voice right so i go dad i can't talk i lost my voice and he sent me a picture of his hand

04:50without a thumb like there was no caption like it was just a hand without a thumb in my head i could

04:57hear my father going oh really well i i don't have a thumb you don't have a voice i don't have a thumb

05:03you know it's it it's horrible to be him but but my dad through him i learned like a lot of things that

05:11i stumble on things like okay like i didn't realize how much money america spends on saving idiots from

05:18themselves okay until here's what happened my father lives here but he goes to honduras so he's

05:23in honduras he wasn't paying attention uh his tacoma went off the road flipped it three times

05:28whoa my father's 84 he got thrown from the car wow he didn't die he didn't even have a scratch on him

05:33all right i think he died and god said no you're gonna torture your son longer and brought him back

05:37to life but i called my dad up and i go what happened dad and he goes oh i wasn't paying attention i go

05:43no i know that but why oh because i forgot that i wasn't in america and over here you know they

05:48don't have the route to save you so you know i crashed and i said i didn't understand what you

05:51said he goes in honduras they don't have the route you know the route on the road to save you

05:55and then i realized he was trying to say that in america we spend billions of dollars putting

06:00little grooves on the edge of the roads so that when you're not paying attention it makes that sound

06:06so that's the route and then i realized the route like every route is one family of that we saved

06:12like there it is that's that's why we're becoming dumber because we're saving the idiots right and for

06:18anybody young listening there was a time when there was no route you remember this time yes yeah i had to

06:24focus on your driving exactly so we put the route on the right there was a time when it was only on the

06:28right and then started drifting into the left side so now stevie wonder could drive from here to new york

06:34i don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but stevie wonder could literally drive from here to new

06:41york with jose feliciano guiding him now now are you a dad yourself i am a dad of two i have two boys i

06:52have an 11 month old and an 11 year old wow i was home free i had a 10 month old and i was like eight

07:00years and i'm back we're gonna be doing drugs again this is gonna happen and then we ended up in

07:08miami and she didn't tell me she wasn't on the pill and i'm a latino so i guess we're fertile

07:14so now i got an 11 month old and uh it you know it's uh i look at him and it's beautiful but i'm like

07:23oh that's another i added 18 years to my sentence the only cool thing is that when my son like i'm

07:31old school so i'm gonna make my son take care of his brother right right yeah i'm not gonna you know

07:36i'm not gonna hire a babysitter no you got one living in a house exactly for free for free exactly

07:41so right now i'm already telling him like hey everything i give you is extra so just so you know

07:46your ipad is extra i got you the new ipad that's extra so you know when it comes back he's gonna

07:52i i already set it up mentally see that's what my mom did right my mother had 18 kids right

07:57i'm the 17th born of 18 kids that's insane this is my father's favorite joke to tell people

08:03his mother had 18 kids his mother never had periods she just had people

08:08like dude you didn't even write that so so i i have uh i have all these all these brothers and

08:20sisters and for me it's the opposite uh-huh now what about the rest of your brothers and sisters

08:24are they are they minimizing all 70 78 nephews and nieces oh my god i have one brother i'm not

08:32kidding you that according to him he has eight different kids from nine different women

08:37wow i don't even know how that's possible exactly right so uh yeah i have you know but

08:44but they're cool i mean you know like it's their family but what my mom would do was she's here's

08:48how she would set us up when i was a kid i would say listen mom if there's any extra food it was

08:53really good today i you know i'm not i know we have there's a lot of people in the family if there's

08:56any extra i just want dibs on the extra and she would bring me a plate of food and look at me

09:01and hover in this really creepy way and then i'd look up and she'd go just remember today i didn't eat for

09:06you ouch ouch you know what i mean and then i didn't want to eat it but you know you're gonna

09:13eat you ask for it you eat it so now whenever she asked for anything you know i have to give it to

09:18her all right you know there's a guilt associated with it right but did you stand over and say i

09:23don't have an ipad now that you have an ipad well i wish i could but like now she has taste

09:29you know what i mean when i was a kid she had no taste when i was a kid i want toys you'll get

09:34the army man and here's some firecrackers like that like she knew how to do it all of a sudden

09:40now she knows what she knows what a louis vuitton bag is i'm like really who are you this was the

09:45lady that used to take me to tijuana mexico to buy me shoes all of a sudden now she's like i don't

09:52know this is in the louis vuitton like really that's what i gotta get you for mother's day now

09:57but the fact that you're in america in a nice house that has five bedrooms and you sleep in one

10:03that's a you know what i mean it's not good enough for you i'm just hey maybe i could put my bag in the

10:09extra room i'm just like she oh my oh her and my dad are just like i love them you know they're cool

10:15they worked really hard for us but you know but we were their workers right by the time i was 12 i was

10:20milking cows in honduras jeez yeah 12 years old me and my me and my brothers were milking 500 head

10:28of cows so so your parents didn't want a lot of kids they needed firm hands yes okay and then when

10:34we came to america we became lottery tickets so in america right in honduras it was they work we

10:41work together as a family once we came to america it was like one of you is gonna make money you know

10:46what i mean and so when i when i first started doing stand-up they literally had an intervention

10:52for me because i was a smart kid i was getting a degree in engineering everybody in my family was

10:57like this is it this is the first one right and then i tell my mom and dad like i'm gonna be a

11:02comedian and they freaked out they freaked out thank god my dad somewhat of an alcoholic

11:08so when they had the intervention by the time it got to him he was wasted and i looked at him and i

11:14go what do you think daddy if he wants to be a clown let him juggle and that was it that was it

11:21but then when i this was in 1989 in 1991 i won the international star search like in in and and then

11:30everything changed yeah right then my mother you know a toast when he was born there was a star in

11:36the sky i'm like oh my god you liar you had an intervention for me you told me to stop doing

11:42oh even my father was like but i told you to juggle i told you to juggle because i can't juggle because

11:50i don't have a thumb i can't juggle carlos it is great to finally see you in this room and thank you

11:56so much it's finally to see the bro stash in person and and before you go yes

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