If Organic Farmers Markets Were Honest

Cracked

Organic poison is still poison. #shorts #organic #organicfarming #farmersmarket #farmer #comedy #parody #funny #youtubeshorts

Transcript

00:00Oh sure, our products are weirder looking and significantly moldier than our non-organic

00:06competitors.

00:07But, they're also more expensive.

00:11And yuppies love that.

00:13For some reason.

00:14Oh, here's a yuppie now!

00:17Hey, do you have anything that's still covered in dirt?

00:21Ooh, here you go, young feller.

00:24Our organic, gluten-free, dairy-free, paleo-friendly eudicot ovum.

00:30Hey, thanks.

00:33I only eat organic.

00:34I'm kind of a health nut.

00:37Health-wise, organic food actually has no measurable leg up on the competition.

00:41It's less of a science and more of a vibe.

00:44As a matter of fact, organic produce accounts for 8% of E. coli outbreaks, despite being

00:51just 1% of the food supply.

00:54In lieu of synthetic fertilizers, we're forced to grow our fruits and vegetables in

01:00ungodly amounts of manure.

01:02For all you know, that apple is slathered in 10 coats of duke.

01:08Okay, but if I wash off the duke, it still has more, like, vitamins and stuff, right?

01:16You'll certainly imply that with clever semantics and just the right shades of tan

01:22and green to make you think our cheese balls were hand-poofed by artisan elves up in the

01:28Keebler tree.

01:31I spend more money on market research and graphic design every year than some countries

01:36bring in with blood diamonds, just so you'll feel like Popeye when you're slurping down

01:43a silty tube of insoluble laxatives.

01:45The truth is, no one really knows what organic means.

01:50Well, that's not true.

01:52Organic food is produced without using harmful chemicals, and that's objectively better

01:56for us and for the planet.

01:59That's true.

02:00We can't use synthetic pesticides on the produce we sell you, or even the grain we

02:07feed to our walking hamburgers.

02:09But we do use natural pesticides, and there's no proof that those are any better for the

02:15environment.

02:16Organic poison is still poison, but as long as our packaging includes a cartoon of a sun-kissed

02:22elderly farmer, or an anthropomorphic avocado with sunglasses and a massive hog, you'll

02:29feel like Captain Goddamn Planet in the checkout aisle.

02:33Well, that can't be true.

02:35It doesn't all just come down to marketing.

02:37Doesn't the government regulate this stuff?

02:39Well, they'll certainly pretend to.

02:42The USDA looks the other way, while the farmers and farm inspectors pinky promise that everything's

02:49on the up and up.

02:50In truth, organic farming fraud is extremely hard to prove, and can actually be a very

02:57lucrative business.

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