- ayer
CONTROL has learned that the direct descendant of Christopher Columbus, Gino Columbus, is the rightful owner of the United States. Max is assigned to guard Gino once he flies into Washington and meets with the President to sign the country back over. However, Max and Gino are captured by KAOS, who would prefer that Gino sign over America to KAOS.
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00:00THE END
00:30Oh, Max, I'm so sorry I'm late,
00:31but Dr. Baker had an emergency tonsillectomy.
00:34Oh, really?
00:34I didn't know that baby doctors pulled tonsils.
00:37No, it was Dr. Baker's tonsils that were pulled, Max.
00:40Oh.
00:41All right, 99.
00:42Now, according to the chief's instructions,
00:45we want to get down here and keep our eye out
00:48for anybody who looks suspicious.
00:49Right, Max.
00:50What else did he say?
00:51Well, he said that something very strange and unusual
00:54was going to take place here today.
00:56Now, that is nice.
00:58What would you say that is worth, 99?
01:00Oh, a lot, Max.
01:01That's a Van Gogh.
01:02Isn't he the guy who cut off his own ear?
01:04Right.
01:05He sent it to his girlfriend.
01:06He must really have loved her a lot.
01:08Either that or he hated his ear.
01:12Ah, finalmente.
01:13Now, that look much better than the picture
01:15of the girl with the dumb smile on her face.
01:18Yeah, that's nice.
01:20Mario.
01:21Yeah?
01:22You think the boss is going to like this one?
01:25He's a gold lover.
01:27Andiamo.
01:28Max, what are they doing?
01:3299, this is the most blatant daytime robbery
01:35I've ever seen in my life.
01:36All right, hold it right there.
01:37Take your hands off that picture.
01:38Oh, Sperth.
01:39How's it we going to take the pitch
01:40if we don't use our hands there?
01:42Pico, you're taking a pitch.
01:44I take care of him.
01:46Max, that's probably a priceless vase.
01:48Wait a minute.
01:49You can't use a priceless vase for a weapon.
01:52Hold it!
01:57How much is that worth, 99?
01:59Look out!
02:00Max, hold it.
02:01You're making a mistake.
02:02Gee, thank heavens you're here.
02:03These men were stealing a painting.
02:05Gee, if you won't believe it,
02:06they were trying to take it right out of here
02:07in front of our very eyes.
02:09Max, stealing it and taking it
02:11are two entirely different things.
02:13They have a right to take it.
02:14Of course.
02:15Those men have a right to take it.
02:17They have a right to take it?
02:19I know this is going to come as a shock,
02:22but that painting and every painting in this museum
02:24belongs to the man they work for.
02:26But, Chief, everything in this museum
02:28belongs to the United States.
02:30That's the trouble, 99.
02:32The man they work for owns the United States.
02:44The man they work for owns the United States.
03:14Beep!
03:15Go!
03:16Beep!
03:17Go!
03:17Go!
03:17Go!
03:19Go!
03:35Go!
03:39Go!
03:39Go!
03:43Go!
03:44but it sounds incredible chief how could one man own the united states what's even more incredible
04:01is why one man would want to own the united states well all i know is that a document was
04:06recently unearthed in genoa italy proving that christopher columbus claimed the united states
04:10for himself in 1492 oh i get what you're driving at chief what well that means that the nation's
04:16capital will have to be changed from washington dc to columbus ohio that has nothing to do with it
04:21go on with your story chief well our country was transferred verbally to spain then a few
04:27centuries later our forefathers took over now do you see what i'm getting at max does it have
04:31anything to do with the civil war chief max what he's saying is that we took over a country that
04:36we had no right to take over exactly according to international law the document that was unearthed
04:41in genoa proves conclusively that christopher columbus still owns the united states but then
04:46we're in luck chief why do you say that christopher columbus is dead i know that max has been for a
04:53long time i know that too in case you're interested chief ponzo de leon is no longer with us either
04:58max i'm only interested in one man the direct descendant of christopher columbus
05:05gino columbus and he's the legal owner of the united states i'm afraid so 99 well we're gonna
05:11have to do something about this chief well we intend to the president is going to try to talk gino
05:15columbus into signing the country back over to us now here's what i want you to do i want you to meet
05:20him at the airport you hear that 99 i'm gonna meet the president at the airport not the president max
05:24gino columbus he's arriving this afternoon to look over his property now i want you to stay with him
05:30at all times i don't want you to leave his side from the minute he walks off that plane until he
05:34meets with the president oh well there goes our baseball game for the night 99 oh that's all right
05:40max i couldn't get a babysitter anyway one more point max gino columbus is to be accorded the red carpet
05:46treatment you have authorization to grant him anything he wishes no matter what the cost
05:50announcing the arrival of italian airways flight number 46 from rome passengers now arriving at gate 17
06:17817
06:22announcing the arrival of italian airways flight number 46 from rome passengers now arriving at gate 17
06:34Columbus, I'm smart.
06:52Okay.
06:53How much is a two and two?
06:55Four.
06:57He's smart, all right.
06:59I don't think you understand.
07:00I happen to be Maxwell Smart, secret agent 86 of control.
07:03Oh, well.
07:04Well, why didn't you say that before?
07:06Ragazzi, this is the man who's going to be my guard body.
07:09And I'd like you to meet Nina, Pinta.
07:12Don't tell me.
07:13Santa Maria.
07:15No, that's Rosa.
07:17All right, the girls, you go and check the baggage, and then I see you outside.
07:20All right?
07:20Okay.
07:21Be careful.
07:22Don't pinch the boys, eh?
07:25Go now, ragazzi.
07:26Go to check.
07:27Oh, same to you.
07:30Mrs. Smart, there's a couple of things I want you to do for me.
07:33Yes.
07:34Well, I'm under strict orders to cater to your every whim.
07:37Your idiosyncrasies, your compulsive inclinations, are to be gratified without reservation or restraint.
07:44Eh?
07:44Whatever you want, you get.
07:46Oh, listen.
07:46That's good.
07:47You know, just before landing, I look outside the aeroplane, and I see this place where the president lives.
07:52The White House.
07:53Eh, the White House, yes.
07:55Well, I take one look at the White House, and I say to myself, I gotta do something.
07:59You want to visit it?
08:00I want to paint it.
08:05Don't take another step.
08:06We are Chaos Agents Gemini.
08:09What do you want?
08:11Information.
08:12Tell us what we want to know, or you die.
08:14You're wasting your time.
08:15Besides, do you know who this man is?
08:17This is Gino Columbus, the new owner of the United States.
08:20That's what we wanted to know.
08:21Mr. Smarta, the joke has gone far enough.
08:24I mean, it's very amusing, don't get me wrong, but I've got a lot of things to do.
08:28What you gotta do is come with us.
08:30We're not going anywhere.
08:31It's either that or get shot.
08:35You want to go for a little while?
08:37Eh.
08:47Good afternoon, Mr. Columbus.
09:14Mr. Smarta.
09:15My name is Borgia.
09:19Borgia?
09:20Of course.
09:21You're the man who poisoned 23 people and a pair of parakeets.
09:25No, Mr. Smarta.
09:2723 parakeets and a pair of people?
09:30I'm Borgia of Chaos.
09:32Okay, I'll accept that, but don't expect to have a drink with my bird.
09:37Borgia.
09:38That's an Italian name, no?
09:40I'm half Italian.
09:41My dear mother was Mexican.
09:43Mexican and Italian?
09:45Boy, you must have some heartburn.
09:49Senora Borgia, I don't know what this is all about.
09:53Personally, I think that all Americans are a little bit...
09:56But this is beside the point.
09:59I want you to know that I own all of the United States.
10:04I'm quite aware of that.
10:06That's why you were brought here.
10:08I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
10:09If you let me go, I'm going to give you a nice present.
10:13I give you Pittsburgh.
10:14We don't want Pittsburgh.
10:17That's funny.
10:18Neither does Pennsylvania.
10:21We want it all, Mr. Columbus.
10:23So if you will cooperate by signing this agreement,
10:27turning the United States over to Chaos...
10:29Just a moment.
10:30You can't hand our country...
10:32I'm sorry.
10:33Your country over to an organization like Chaos?
10:35If I do this for you, what are you going to give me?
10:38Your life.
10:40Go on.
10:41That's it.
10:43That's it?
10:44I mean, well, the price is right, you know.
10:49Well, the price isn't right with me.
11:05Hey, mamma mia, what's he got in his pocket?
11:25A printing press?
11:28Must be a duplicating machine.
11:30The copies are getting lighter.
11:31Mr. Smart, we could spend the rest of the day
11:35continuing this childish activity.
11:38As you have seen, I'm quite prepared for all emergencies.
11:41Therefore, I recommend that you suggest to Mr. Columbus to sign.
11:45I'm sorry, Mr. Borgia, but I cannot make that suggestion.
11:50Columbus?
11:51I'm ashamed of you being half Italian.
11:54Leave me no alternative.
11:56Gemini, is the door locked?
11:58Yes, and we have the key.
12:00Well, we'll give our friends some time to contemplate their decision.
12:14I'll give you five minutes to change your mind, Mr. Columbus.
12:18We'll do our utmost to influence you.
12:21And should you decide to see things our way,
12:24just blow this whistle.
12:27He was just practicing.
12:46I wish I was in a road.
12:49And I am from Venice.
12:50And I don't even like a road.
12:54I wonder what he meant when he said he was going to do everything in his power to influence you.
12:59I don't know.
13:00But boy, I should go for a glass of water.
13:03I've never been a so thirsty in all my life.
13:08Oh, nice.
13:10Room of service.
13:14Columbus, look at the floor.
13:16The water, it's not draining.
13:20Now I know what he meant when he said he was going to try and influence you.
13:23He's going to fill this room with water and try and drown us.
13:26Mrs. Schmuck, do something.
13:28Me?
13:28You're the one who's thirsty.
13:30How are we going to stop the water?
13:41Go over there and see if we can find a way to turn it off.
13:48It's no use.
13:49It's no use.
13:50In a couple of minutes, we're going to be on there.
13:52No, no, no, no.
13:52Listen to me, please.
13:53I want you to blow the whistle.
13:55I want a senor.
13:55I want you to know I've changed my mind.
13:58Look, Columbus, this is going to be very difficult for you to understand, but I can't blow the whistle.
14:02But what are you crazy?
14:03We're going to drown.
14:04I'm sorry, but I've got my reasons.
14:06First of all, I can't allow you to turn the United States over to chaos.
14:10That's not a good enough reason.
14:11Well, how about this?
14:12I just dropped the whistle in the water.
14:14Is that good enough?
14:15That's a beaut.
14:18Something is wrong.
14:19The water's arising too fast.
14:21It must be coming from another source than this.
14:23Columbus, listen, one of us has to dive down and get the whistle.
14:32Can you swim?
14:33No, no, no, no.
14:33Oh, well, I can.
14:34So I'll swim around up here and you dive down and get the whistle.
14:39That doesn't make a good sense.
14:41Not to you either, huh?
14:42Okay, I'll dive down and you stay up here and tread water.
14:45I don't even know how to tread the water.
14:48Well, I'll be seeing you down below.
14:50What did you do?
15:00No good.
15:02This was the only thing I could find.
15:05Mr. Smarty, you pulled the plug.
15:08Good morning.
15:09You're starting to come down.
15:12I've only got to find a way to get out that door.
15:15Max, it's me, 99.
15:17Hey, that's all my wife.
15:18That's my wife.
15:20You know what that means?
15:21That we're going to be saved.
15:22Not only that, but it means she was able to get a babysitter.
15:30So Chaos tried to beat us to it.
15:33Yes, Chief.
15:34It was a good thing that 99 was there to back us up.
15:37Well, it could have been a disaster for all of us, but it's given me an idea.
15:40What's that, Chief?
15:42What is it, Larrabee?
15:43Chief, I just received word from the White House.
15:45The President's ready to meet with Mr. Columbus.
15:47He has a document already to be signed.
15:49Va bene, va bene.
15:50I will sign the thing.
15:51And then I'm going to board the boat and go back to Italy.
15:54Hey.
15:55It won't be as easy as all that.
15:57Chief, are those long showmen on strike again?
15:59No, Larrabee.
16:01Chaos is certain to make another attempt at abducting Mr. Columbus.
16:04I still don't see what your plan is, Chief.
16:07We'll let Chaos abduct him.
16:09That's a terrible plan, Chief.
16:12Now, hear me out.
16:13We'll use a decoy.
16:15Chaos will kidnap the decoy, and while they're torturing him,
16:18the real Mr. Columbus here will be taken to the White House.
16:20Now, do you think it's such a terrible plan?
16:22Well, it's got one hitch in it.
16:24What's that?
16:24Who's the decoy?
16:25You.
16:26That's the hitch.
16:27You'll never get away with it, Chief.
16:28I don't look like Columbus.
16:29I don't even speak Italian.
16:31Besides, Chief, at controlled training school,
16:32Max flunked torture three years in a row.
16:35Goodbye, Larrabee.
16:41Max, there's nobody else I can send.
16:43All my men are on assignment.
16:44I can't pass myself off as Columbus.
16:46Now, if you don't take it, who can I send?
16:56All right, I'll take it.
16:58But, Max, it might be dangerous.
17:00Yes, but there's a good chance that they'll never be able to tell that I'm not Mr. Columbus.
17:04All I have to do is to remember not to sign anything,
17:06because they'd be able to tell my signature from his signature.
17:11How would they be able to tell that?
17:12Very simple, Chief.
17:13My name begins with an S.
17:15His begins with a K.
17:16It'll take at least a week for the torches to dry.
17:32Welcome back, Senor Columbus.
17:39Hey, linguine, linguine.
17:41It worked just like you said, Borgia.
17:43We waited outside Control's secret headquarters,
17:46and he came out all alone.
17:47No escort, no nothing.
17:49No bodyguards, no control agents.
17:51Explain that.
17:52Yes.
17:52Well, I was on my way to lunch, and...
17:55Control would let you eat alone?
17:57Yes.
17:57Well, when they found out I was going to have a garlic sandwich, they insist.
18:02Are you prepared to sign over, Marika, to us?
18:05Or do we fill this crypt again?
18:08Eccoci, ribaltza la balle.
18:12No more water.
18:13A little whiner, maybe, but no water.
18:15Your signature, then?
18:16I don't got a strength to sign anything.
18:19I'm a star.
18:20You got to remember, I've been a-swimming all day.
18:24I sympathize with you.
18:25I, too, require constant stoking of the human furnace to function properly.
18:33Gemini?
18:34Yes, Borgia?
18:34Run over to Antonio's and get our guest some nourishment.
18:39What do you want?
18:40You got a pencil and a paper?
18:44Shoot.
18:44Huh?
18:45What do you want?
18:47Ah.
18:48Eh, yes, let me see now.
18:50A little, uh, feta chanoni.
18:52Feta chanoni.
18:53And a little, uh, rabelanoni.
18:55A rabelanee.
18:56And some cacchanopo.
18:59Cacchanorini.
19:00And a mascarone.
19:02Mascarone.
19:03And a rigatano.
19:04A rigatano.
19:06And some bicarbonate of soda.
19:08Are you through?
19:23Not quite.
19:25And some bicarbonate of soda.
19:36And some tea.
19:37And some tea.
19:41That's the longest meal I ever watched.
20:01Senor Columbus, you're stretching my hospitable nature to a breaking point.
20:05Mama always say, you'll not clean the plate, you'll not get the apple pie.
20:11Apple pie? That's not an Italian dish.
20:14It is if you put a tomato sauce on it.
20:17Now, that's enough.
20:20Are you ready to sign?
20:24I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
20:26I'm gonna sign half of my name an hour and the other half when I finish eating.
20:33Finish what?
20:35I'm no half of the full of stomach, I worry.
20:37I worry, I'm no sign of the paper.
20:40You ate enough to sink a ship.
20:42I know.
20:43The last time I ate her so much, I was on the end of your daughter.
20:49Well, if he wants more food, then get him more.
20:51I certainly don't like filling this crypt again.
20:54This month's water bill is gonna be murder.
20:58Well, what do you want this time?
21:00You ready?
21:01Ready.
21:03Okay.
21:04Here we go.
21:06Antipasto.
21:07Antipasto.
21:09Lasagna.
21:10Lasagna.
21:13Mozzarella.
21:14Mozzarella.
21:17Maranata.
21:18Maranata.
21:22No bicarbonate or soda?
21:23Just the price.
21:24Oh.
21:25Senor Columbus, it's been three hours since you walked in here requesting lunch.
21:30We can't stall any longer.
21:33Sign or die.
21:36Okay, okay.
21:37I'm a too full to argue and I'm a too fat to die.
21:44Where's the pen?
21:45He must have ate it.
21:46We'll get another one.
21:47Never mind.
21:48I'll do it myself.
21:49You know, I gotta hand it to you.
21:50Please, don't hand me nothing.
21:51I'm a full up to here.
21:52I'm a full up to here.
21:53I'm a full up to here.
21:54Sign or die.
21:55Sign or die.
21:56Okay, okay.
21:57I'm a too full to argue and I'm a too fat to die.
21:59You know, me and my partner, we've lived in boarding houses for years and we've seen a lot of big eaters, but you take the cake.
22:26Well, I was just telling, uh, Mr. Columbus that, uh...
22:34Mr. Smart is the name, Gemini.
22:36That call came from Chaos Agent Kovac at the White House.
22:40The real Columbus just signed the United States back over to the United States.
22:45Good.
22:51Well, I guess the masquerade is over.
22:55And so is your life.
22:58Shoot him, Gemini.
22:59I wouldn't do that, Gemini.
23:01You're being covered by a control agent.
23:03You're bluffing, Smart.
23:05Oh, really?
23:07Show yourself!
23:12You see, my friend, last night, while you were sleeping,
23:16we arrested Lower Gemini and replaced him with one of our own men.
23:20Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Control Agent Munchkin.
23:26Oh, yeah.
23:26Come on, Jim.
23:28Come on.
23:29You get your children.
23:31Yeah!
23:33Oh, god!
23:34Yeah!
23:35Yeah!
23:40Oh!
23:41Oh, my God!
23:43¶¶
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