- ayer
KAOS pharmacist Jarvis Pym (Vincent Price) threatens to poison the Washington water supply with a hallucinogenic drug which renders people incapable of functioning. The episode title is from the World War II slogan to limit the amount of wartime travelling.
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00:00You hear anything yet?
00:21Yes, I'm beginning to get something, but it doesn't seem to make any sense.
00:26Let me have it.
00:30Tiptoe through the tulips, you're listening to the radio.
00:36That woman has the worst voice I ever heard.
00:42Yes, but she plays a great banjo.
00:51Max?
00:52Huh?
00:53The babies are awake.
00:55So are we, 99?
00:56Yeah, but they're crying.
00:58I'll be crying pretty soon if they don't shut up.
01:02Max, it's your turn to get up and see what's the matter.
01:06Okay, 99.
01:08That's fine.
01:09Oh.
01:09Oh, my God.
01:39Oh, the truck is working.
01:48They are completely hallucinated.
02:04That's a good baby.
02:06Go to sleep and tomorrow daddy will let you play in the swamp.
02:09Are they all right, Max?
02:31Yes, they were fine, 99.
02:34Were they what?
02:35Well, one of them was cheating.
02:39Chaos will be very proud of you, Mr. Beam.
02:42Well, thank you, Reinhardt.
02:43I'm rather proud of myself.
02:46I do think this is one of my better formulas.
02:49Really, sir?
02:49But you think that?
02:51Because none of the others were.
02:54You left the light on.
02:56Huh?
02:56What light?
02:57The light you left on.
02:59You left it on.
03:00Oh, that light.
03:0699, look.
03:07I forgot to take off one of my snowshoes.
03:11Max, what are you talking about?
03:15Max!
03:16Look at you!
03:17Well, you don't look too good when you first get up either.
03:20I don't think marriage was a curse.
03:25No.
03:28I don't think it was a curse if you last night.
03:31No, no.
03:32Let me go.
03:33Okay.
03:34Fuck that sabe, Mike.
03:37Thanks for aema.
03:38Alright, come back.
03:39Now let's go.
03:43Heylie, we can miss it.
03:45You gave a mess.
03:46Back to the knobs that we are in here.
03:47You didn't have to remember nothing.
04:48He claimed he would never tell a lie and never said anything about cheating.
04:51Max and I had bad dreams last night, too, Chief.
04:54It's a weird coincidence.
04:55Not really, Chief. We both ate pizza.
04:59Chief, the report on chaos just came through our spy satellite.
05:02Are you sure it's up to date?
05:03Positive.
05:04The weather map says it's going to be clear and warmer.
05:07It also says that chaos tried to take over all the universities in the United States.
05:11They did?
05:12Yeah, they offered the students enough guns to take over every school in the country, but it didn't work.
05:16Why not?
05:17The students said they wouldn't settle for tokenism, and they ran them off campus.
05:20Chief, did I hear you say something about a nightmare?
05:23What about it?
05:23I dreamed last night I kept trying to find a pot at the end of the rainbow, and I finally found it.
05:28Was the pot filled with gold?
05:29No, with refried beans.
05:32If it was filled with gold, I wouldn't have come to work today.
05:34All right, Larrabee, thank you.
05:36For what?
05:37For the report. For everything.
05:39Oh, that's okay, Chief.
05:42Well, Larrabee?
05:43Uh, I forgot to tell you, Chief. You got a call waiting.
05:46Anything important?
05:47I wouldn't know. It's from the White House.
05:50Uh, hello?
05:52Yes, I can hold on.
05:54It's the President.
05:56Yes, Mr. President.
05:59You did?
06:01Well, that's funny. So did I and two of my agents.
06:05Well, yes, sir. That is rather strange.
06:09Uh, yes, sir. I will.
06:11I'll get on it right away, Mr. President.
06:15The President had a bad dream last night, too.
06:17He dreamed that he disbanded the entire U.S. Air Force and replaced them with the Jefferson Airplane.
06:22That is terrible.
06:24Oh, no. What's terrible is that this morning the Jefferson Airplane reported for work.
06:28I don't understand.
06:29And why are we all having strange dreams?
06:31It's gotten out of hand, 99.
06:33The President said all members of Congress and the Pentagon had bad dreams last night.
06:37Boy, somebody's doing great pizza business.
06:41What is it, Larrabee?
06:42How'd you know it was me, Chief?
06:43Never mind that, Larrabee. What are you buzzing me for?
06:45The CIA and FBI just called.
06:46We want you to tune in on TV Channel 51.
06:50Channel 51? That's the educational spy channel.
06:57Maybe this will explain why all our government officials are having strange dreams.
07:01Oh, hello out there. I'm Jarvis Pym, Chaos' Mad Pharmacist.
07:09Chaos' Mad Pharmacist?
07:11Yes, that's right. I thought some of you might be wondering about all those strange dreams that everybody is having.
07:18Where they're not dreams, they're hallucinations caused by a miracle drug that I have discovered.
07:24Now, I think I should point out that all of you have had a very mild dose.
07:29Had it been full strength, you would have the dreams permanently.
07:33Never to be able to differentiate between reality and fantasy.
07:39Now, you can imagine what that would do to your government.
07:42Every high-ranking official, excluding no one, would be reduced to a raving lunatic.
07:52Now, let's get down to business.
07:56Unless I receive 50 million dollars in the up-marked bills, I will carry this plan to its utmost fruition.
08:05I will contact you on this same channel later tonight, directly after Let Us Pray, and tell you where to deliver the 50 million dollars.
08:13Well, good night.
08:15Psst, psst.
08:16Eh?
08:18Oh, yes, I must warn you.
08:21Do not try to locate or stop me.
08:23If you do, I swear I will wipe out your government.
08:27And now, for all of you who have a splitting headache, take two aspirins and go to bed.
08:36Pleasant dreams.
08:43That man is out of his head.
08:44Yes, but what a diabolically clever plan.
08:47Yes, but like all diabolically clever geniuses, he made one mistake.
08:52Really? What mistake is that, Max?
08:54He prescribed medicine for our headaches, and he's not a doctor.
08:57We can get him for practicing medicine without a license.
09:05Well, that does it.
09:06Our scientists have checked out everything.
09:08Food, air filtration, dust, pollen.
09:11We still don't know how the mad pharmacist slipped the drug to us.
09:13Well, what makes you so sure he did, Chief?
09:16What do you mean, what makes me so sure he did?
09:19Well, I'll ask you.
09:20What makes him so sure he did?
09:22Well, Max, for all of us at Control who have had bad dreams, we must have been contacted in the same way.
09:26For instance, the water supply.
09:28Of course, the water supply.
09:30No, Max, it couldn't have been the water supply.
09:32If it was, then everyone in Washington would have been affected.
09:35Well, I guess Jarvis Pym will get us $50 million.
09:38But that's blackmail, Max.
09:40You know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer?
09:41He gives you a receipt.
09:43No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money.
09:46Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the $50 million, Pym will destroy the drug.
09:50Yes, we do if he gives us a receipt.
09:52Well, I'll tell you one thing.
09:53Pym won't get at us again.
09:55Control is completely sealed off.
09:57Now, I want you two to stay here and make sure everything checks out.
09:59Meet me in my office in five minutes.
10:01Right, Chief.
10:01I wouldn't want to be in his shoes, Max.
10:05He's a worried man.
10:07Well, if he'd only get a receipt, it wouldn't be so bad, 99.
10:17You're shot, Mr. Washington.
10:18And this time, don't cheat.
10:23Hello, Max, 99.
10:24What are you doing in those silly-looking outfits?
10:37So that's how they did it.
10:39Yes, according to our technicians, the drug was in this water all the time.
10:43Of course, I should have guessed it, Chief.
10:45I've had some weird experiences with water before, in Mexico.
10:48Well, at least this time we have a lead.
10:50The Darkfoot Springs Water Company.
10:52Probably a front for Jarvis Pym.
10:54Well, then all I have to do, Chief, is to take a squad of men and go over and raid the place.
10:57Max, you can't do that.
10:59What if it isn't a front for Jarvis Pym?
11:0199's right.
11:02If you pulled a raid, there's no telling what Pym would do.
11:04Well, then if I want to get in there, we have to do it in a discreet manner, right, Chief?
11:07Now you're thinking.
11:08Two agents.
11:09Right.
11:09And a tank.
11:10Wrong.
11:11Wrong?
11:12Eh, one agent and a tank.
11:13No, Max.
11:14Just a tank?
11:16But that's ridiculous, Chief.
11:17A tank doesn't go by itself.
11:18Someone has to drive it, you know.
11:20You and 99 are going to infiltrate that plant all alone.
11:24All alone?
11:25In the midst of a hundred chaos agents?
11:27It's the way it has to be, Max.
11:29Well, okay, Chief.
11:31No offense, 99, but this is the first time I wish you were built like a tank.
11:35You'd better get going.
11:36We don't have much time.
11:37Right, Chief.
11:38And don't worry.
11:39We'll get inside.
11:40Just don't get caught.
11:41Capture means certain death.
11:43Suicide mission, huh, Chief?
11:44Well, you've picked the right man.
11:46I hope so.
11:48You hope what?
11:48That you've picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission?
12:00It certainly does look suspicious, Max.
12:02That high fence and those armed guards patrolling all over the place.
12:05Well, that's enough pictures.
12:07It looks impregnable.
12:08How are we going to get in there?
12:09By careful planning, 99.
12:1199, we'll climb over the fence.
12:14No, Max, it might be wired.
12:15We could set off an alarm.
12:17Oh, well, then we'll climb under the fence.
12:20You mean tunnel?
12:20Well, I don't mean exactly that, but why not?
12:23Why not dig a tunnel under the fence?
12:25No, Max, it'll take too long.
12:2899, I keep coming up with suggestions,
12:30and you keep coming up with reasons why they won't work.
12:34Max, maybe you could use one of those pipes and pole vault over the fence.
12:37Shh, please, 99, I'm trying to think.
12:42I've got it.
12:43Why don't I use one of these pipes and try to pole vault over the fence?
12:48That might work.
12:52Max, look at those people up at the gate.
12:54What are they doing?
12:56Let's find out.
13:05Excuse me.
13:06Play nice, kid.
13:08Lazar, don't torture that butterfly.
13:10It's a thing of nature.
13:12Yes.
13:13Yeah.
13:13We were just...
13:14Neil, get off the ground!
13:16Anastasia, don't kick Neil in the back.
13:18You know I don't allow kicking above the knees.
13:20Are they all yours?
13:21Those four are.
13:23Lazar, Neil, Anastasia, and Luden.
13:26Luden's the one gnawing on the tree.
13:28We were just passing by, and we saw this line.
13:30We wondered what you were all waiting for.
13:32The tour.
13:33What tour?
13:33Twice a day, seven days a week.
13:36The Darkfoot Springs Water Company gives you a guided tour right through the plant.
13:40Luden, don't eat dirt.
13:42Graze if you want to, but don't eat dirt.
13:46Excuse me.
13:47Max, that's how we'll get inside.
13:51We'll join the tour.
13:52Either that, or we can have Luden chew a hole in the fence for us.
14:01Okay.
14:02Let's move inside.
14:04The tour's going to start any second now.
14:05Mr. Pim, we're going to have two special visitors on the tour.
14:25Max will smart on his wife.
14:27This is where it all happens, ladies and gentlemen.
14:35The home of Darkfoot Springs.
14:39This is a faucet and a piece of pipe.
14:44This is a bottle of water.
14:46This is a drain pipe and a hammer.
14:55This is a pail and a ladle.
14:59A pitcher and a bowl.
15:03And we have here, ladies and gentlemen, three feet above the ground, a water spray kit.
15:10And now if you follow me, please, right this way.
15:27Now's our chance to break away from the tour, 99.
15:29We've got to find out if Jarvis Pim is on the premises.
15:31Right, Max.
15:32And straight ahead is our tasting room.
15:3599.
15:36Look.
15:40All the water you can drink.
15:42It's absolutely free.
15:47Please go ahead and drink as much as you want.
15:50I'll be with you in a minute.
16:03Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Smart.
16:06I've been expecting you.
16:10My, uh, laboratory isn't usually on the tour, but, uh, for you, we made an exception.
16:18All right, Pim, don't try anything funny.
16:20We've got you covered.
16:21Quite the opposite, Mr. Smart.
16:23It is I who have you covered.
16:27I'm all alone if that's what's puzzling you.
16:30Well, then, how do you figure you'll have us covered?
16:33Well, if I were you, I would look more closely at my mortar and pestle.
16:37Of course, the old pestle-in-the-mortar trick.
16:41No, the old mortar-in-the-mortar trick.
16:45I warned, Control, what would happen if you tried to interfere with my plans.
16:59You'll never get away with this, Pim.
17:04We've canceled our supply and cut off your water.
17:07I assumed as much when you showed up here.
17:10That's why I'm putting an alternate plan into effect.
17:13What alternate plan?
17:15I don't know yet.
17:17What makes you think it'll work?
17:18Because if it doesn't, I have an alternate, alternate plan, and that one never fails.
17:24Max, he's mad.
17:26Wait a minute, 99.
17:27If he says it never fails, I've got it.
17:31You see?
17:35What is it, Max?
17:37Well, it's either a white manhole cover or the second largest aspirin I've ever seen.
17:43I am going to drop this tablet into the city reservoir.
17:47Now, every citizen of Washington will be walking around dazed, drudged, and out of their heads.
17:53Of course, and everybody will think that it's a folk rock festival.
17:57What did you know, Max?
17:59Don't worry, 99.
18:01The laugh is on him.
18:02Who?
18:03Him, Pim.
18:04Why do you say that?
18:05Because supposing I were to ask you what would happen if we were to break out of this capsule.
18:10Then I would have to answer you that the capsule is unbreakable.
18:14That's why I'm not going to ask you.
18:15Besides, there's only enough air in there to last for three minutes.
18:21You're just saying that to frighten us and make us talk.
18:24Talk?
18:25You have nothing to say that I would be interested in hearing.
18:29Oh, really?
18:30How about the Carpenter murder case?
18:32What about the Carpenter murder case?
18:33See?
18:34You're interested already.
18:35You have no sense in stalling, Mr. Smart.
18:38In three minutes you will be dead, the citizens of Washington will be drugged, and I will be on a plane headed for the beach at Acapulco.
18:48Acapulco?
18:49Max and I almost went there on our honeymoon.
18:51It's beautiful there.
18:53We changed our minds at the last minute, though, and we went to the Caribbean.
18:55It's also very pretty there, too.
19:01Before going to the reservoir, I have to go upstairs and get rid of those tourists.
19:06But I'll be back for my tablet in a minute.
19:09By then you'll be dead.
19:10Good-bye, Mr. and Mrs. Smart.
19:17Max, what are we going to do now?
19:19Don't panic, Nanny.
19:20Whatever you do, don't panic.
19:22Look, Max, there's only two minutes left.
19:24There was only something that we had to work our way out of this.
19:27A hammer or a knife or an axe or something.
19:30There must be some way to break this capsule.
19:32It must be made out of some kind of special plastic.
19:34Okay, Nanny, now you can do it.
19:35Do what?
19:36Panic.
19:37No, Max, we're never going to get out of here alive.
19:39Wait a minute, 99.
19:40Look over there.
19:42It's a beaker of acid.
19:43Now, if we can get this capsule to topple over
19:46and get the acid to pour on top of the capsule,
19:48it'll dissolve it.
19:49But how are you going to make the capsule topple over?
19:52By using my head, 99.
19:53Watch.
19:57I got it.
19:58Go on.
19:58The worst headache.
20:00I've ever had.
20:03Maybe we do it together.
20:05It's worth a try, 99.
20:07All right, ready?
20:07Three, one, two, three.
20:15Top 99!
20:21Max!
20:22The tumbler didn't fall!
20:24I know, 99, but the capsule broke.
20:26But how could it?
20:27Pim said it was unbreakable.
20:29He lied.
20:33Come on, 99.
20:34We have to destroy that tablet before Pim gets back.
20:36What are we going to do, though, Max?
20:37Shh!
20:49All right, Pim, hold it right there.
20:50Oh, no, Mr. Smart.
20:52You mustn't stop me.
20:53This tablet represents my entire life's work.
20:56I must drop it in the reservoir.
20:58Please, let me.
21:00You must let me.
21:00Please!
21:01I'm sorry, Pim, but I can't allow you to drop that tablet in the reservoir.
21:05How about a lake?
21:06I get it.
21:07I'm placing you under arrest, and I'm confiscating that tablet.
21:12Well, in that case, Mr. Smart, there's nothing left to live for.
21:16Well, observe.
21:19Sodium, calcium, chloride.
21:21Do you know what that is?
21:22An artificial sweetener?
21:24No, it's the second most deadly poison in the world.
21:27What's the first?
21:29Artificial sweetener.
21:32Well, goodbye, Mr. and Mrs. Smart.
21:35Not so fast, Pim.
21:38Observe.
21:39What's that?
21:40Anti-sodium calcium chloride.
21:42If you take that sodium calcium chloride, I'll shove this down your throat.
21:47Not the ring, the powder.
21:49And you'll be alive again.
21:50That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart.
21:52But I was prepared.
21:54Observe again.
21:55Pro-anti-sodium calcium chloride.
21:59If you bring me back to life, I shall take this, and then I shall be permanently disposed of.
22:06Temporarily permanently disposed of?
22:10You know what's in here?
22:11No.
22:12Oh.
22:13That makes two of us.
22:14What's in here, 99?
22:15Anti-pro-anti-sodium calcium chloride.
22:18If you take sodium calcium chloride, and Max brings you back to life with anti-sodium calcium chloride,
22:24and you decide to destroy yourself again with pro-anti-sodium calcium chloride,
22:28Max will bring you back to life again with anti-pro-anti-sodium calcium chloride.
22:33Well, that's easy enough for you to say.
22:37I've run out of brains.
22:39Well, I'm glad to hear that.
22:40It was my turn next.
22:41Well, you never really had a chance, Pim.
22:44There was no possible way for you to do away with yourself while you were in my car.
22:48Mr. Pim, are you all right?
22:51Yes, yes, yes.
22:52My ring deflected the bullet.
22:54It ricocheted into my shoulder.
22:58Into my shoulder.
23:03Well, 99, thanks to us, Pim was stopped from drugging the reservoir and giving all the people in Washington hallucinations.
23:09Just think, Max, because of us, everyone tomorrow morning will jump out of bed and jump into the shower and grab a quick breakfast and jump into their cars and get on the freeway and rush to work, just like they do every day in the year.
23:20Do you think we did the right thing, 99?
23:25Do you think we did the right thing, 99?
23:27Do you think we did the right thing, 99?
23:48¶¶
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