- 2 days ago
The misadventures of a British Royal Artillery Concert Party unit stationed in based in Deolali in British India and the fictional village of Tin Min in Burma during the last few months of the Second World War.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:09With music and laughter to help you on your way, to raising the rafters with a hey, hey, hey.
00:15With songs and sketches and jokes on anew, with us about you and Phil Blue.
00:21So meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
00:26B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
00:35Now listen, fellas, listen, pay attention.
00:37I want to put this number in the show tomorrow night, so please, let us get it right.
00:41Are you ready, Lofty? Yes, Gloria.
00:43And Paderewski, Paderewski, please do not make it sound like a dirge.
00:47I beg your pardon? My playing is never like a dirge.
00:51Oh, you see, it is. You're getting very dirgy lately.
00:54When you played my solo last night, Mersy-Dotes and Dozy-Dotes, you made it sound like a funeral march.
01:00Haven't you got any feel for the music?
01:01For Mersy-Dotes and Dozy-Dotes? Not a lot, no.
01:06You're right with provisions, everybody.
01:08And from the top, there we go.
01:09You're sophisticated, I am too naive.
01:20Well, let's play the game that way, if that's what you believe.
01:27An apple for the teacher just seems the thing to do
01:33Because I want to learn about romance from you.
01:39And a...
01:40Lofty!
01:41What have you got in your hand?
01:44A mango.
01:46A mango?
01:47For your information, this number is called an apple for the teacher.
01:51Mohammed!
01:52Yes, sir?
01:53Where's the apple?
01:53Hello?
01:54I'm using my initiative sub.
01:56No apples in the jungle.
01:58Don't believe me.
02:00Hey, Gloria, if we haven't got an apple, why don't we use something we have got?
02:04How about a yam?
02:06Don't be silly.
02:07A yam does not scan.
02:09Hey, Gloria, we could make it scan.
02:11Listen.
02:12A yam for the teacher.
02:16How about a sweet potato for the teacher?
02:19Listen.
02:20Ah, aubergine for the teacher.
02:23Stop, stop, stop, stop.
02:25You're driving me mad.
02:27Haven't any of you got any ear for music at all?
02:30I've got a tin of page in my kid bag.
02:34What's that got to do with it?
02:35Well, I wouldn't mind a tin of page if I were a teacher.
02:38Good grub.
02:39Why, they have to do everything dressed up as tarts, sir.
02:42It's a terrible thing for a professional soldier like me to be in charge of this bunch of poofs.
02:47I wake up every morning thinking, men, give me real men.
02:53I wake up thinking women, give me real women.
02:58Beg your pardon, sir?
03:00Sorry about that, Sergeant Major.
03:01Just sort of slipped out.
03:03I didn't mean that sort of woman for that sort of thing, you know.
03:08Of course not, sir.
03:09I've been to see an English lady again, to hear an English lady's voice,
03:15to see a slim, white English lady's hand on a teapot pouring tea.
03:23Hang it all.
03:24Why should I apologise?
03:26I'm not made of stone.
03:28Yes, I did mean that sort of woman for that sort of thing.
03:33Oh, er, don't say anything to the Colonel about this, Sergeant Major.
03:36No worry, sir.
03:39Rely on me.
03:40Come to Bath, you ten!
03:42Ha!
03:45Thank you for the escort.
03:46I shall be all right now.
03:47I've got plenty of men to guide me.
03:50Morning, sir!
03:52Morning, Sergeant Major.
03:53Why on earth did GHQ send you back with an escort, sir?
03:55Because I've got 50,000 rupees in this case.
03:5950,000 rupees?
04:00Shh!
04:00I don't want the men to know about it.
04:04What's it for, sir?
04:15There's a battalion coming back from the front in a couple of days' time.
04:18And this is the most convenient spot for the paymaster to pick up the money.
04:22So GHQ have asked us to look after it.
04:24But guarding an army payroll's a job for real, soldier, sir, not this shower.
04:27Perfectly safe.
04:28Nobody knows it's here.
04:30Ah, but don't forget their awful fellow meath ants coming to see us today.
04:33I bet he'd like to get his hands on it, sir.
04:34I don't know why the authorities keep paying him not to make trouble for us.
04:38Well, it's government policy.
04:39He's supposed to be helping us with the war effort.
04:41The nearest he gets to that, sir, selling our troops dirty books.
04:43He's nothing but a common bandit, a dreadful spiv.
04:48He's no principles at all.
04:49Well, if he had principles, he wouldn't be a bandit, Ashford.
04:53Fancy calling himself pity boy meathant.
04:55I mean, with all those dreadful gold teeth, that awful dried-up skin.
04:59Well, he's some mother's son, you know.
05:01I very much doubt it.
05:02He's so, so shifty-eyed.
05:05You've no idea what he's thinking.
05:07I quite agree, sir.
05:09Shifty-eyed and inscrutable.
05:12Your face also be inscrutable if removed from body.
05:16Turn out the gun!
05:19Turn out the gun!
05:21Ah, it's an awful baby!
05:23Ah!
05:26Barbadier!
05:27Now pull yourself together
05:29and keep him covered.
05:32You blithering idiot, Parkins.
05:34You're supposed to be on guard.
05:35Why'd you let him in?
05:36He didn't come through this way, sir.
05:37Oh, you can't believe you got a parking, sir.
05:39Very alert soldier.
05:41This fella come in peace.
05:43Why are you so warlike?
05:45Where are the rest of your men?
05:49Outside!
05:50Me call them in, eh?
05:51All right, tell them to leave their rifles outside.
05:53OK.
05:54Lay, lay, lay, lay!
05:55What's up?
05:56Buddy, you're gonna...
05:57I'm crazy!
05:59Keep them covered, boys.
06:03Just come to talk business.
06:06Why tea not ready?
06:08I beg your pardon?
06:10Me come at four o'clock for English tea.
06:14Oh, all right.
06:15Come and sit down.
06:16Sir, I don't trust him, so he's up to something.
06:18No, no, no.
06:18We've got to humour him, Sergeant Major.
06:20Order the tea.
06:22Chawala!
06:22Hit it all!
06:23Yes, sir.
06:23This fella not want that muck.
06:26Want proper English tea.
06:28Well, I'm afraid that's a bit difficult.
06:30This fella want English tea with cucumber sandwiches on lawn.
06:35With click of croquet balls in background.
06:39I'm afraid we haven't got any cucumber sandwiches and we haven't got a lawn.
06:42Well, what about croquet balls?
06:45I haven't got any of those either.
06:46Awful sorry.
06:48Okay.
06:49We talk business, huh?
06:53Tonight, when moon high, we pass by here with two loaded mules.
06:58You look other way.
07:00Why?
07:01Then you not see us.
07:02I give you ten gold tickles.
07:07I thought he was up to something, sir.
07:09Smuggling hopium, I shouldn't wonder.
07:11Not hopium.
07:12Rhinoceros horns.
07:14What for?
07:15Oh, well, they grind up the powder, sir, and makes what they call an African dizzyak.
07:23What on earth's that?
07:25I don't see.
07:27It's not a powder, sir, that makes you want to...
07:29You filthy beast.
07:34Steady on, Ashwood.
07:36Now, look here, me, me, uh...
07:38You can call me pretty boy.
07:42Now, look here, pretty boy.
07:45You've no business to kill rhinoceros, as this is.
07:50Rhinocerai, sir.
07:51Oh, be quiet, Ashwood.
07:53You've no business to kill them.
07:54They're a very rare animal.
07:55Oh, me no kill them.
07:57Just catch them and soar off horns.
07:59Well, doesn't that hurt them?
08:00No, just make eyes water.
08:04Look here, I'm fed up with this.
08:05How dare you try and bribe me with gold?
08:07You not want gold?
08:09Okay.
08:10I give you rhinoceros powder.
08:12Oh, that no good.
08:14You no got girls.
08:16Okay, I give you girls, one each.
08:18You unspeakable swine.
08:20Yes.
08:20Get out.
08:21Now, come on, move yourself, move yourself.
08:22Don't try anything.
08:23You old bendy men, like corkscrews.
08:33What does he mean?
08:35I think Colonel, sir, he means we're a bit, well, a bit like that.
08:39You call yourself big war chief, but you not correct up here.
08:44Make soldiers belong, you dress as schoolgirls.
08:46You not manly.
08:48Me?
08:49Rip?
08:50Pillage?
08:50Steal?
08:51But not make men belong me, dress as schoolgirls.
08:56You.
08:57Steady, Sergeant Major.
08:58He's just called me a puss, sir.
09:01I's not having that.
09:03I'm just as much of a man as you are, boyo.
09:06Okay, you prove it.
09:07Any time, any time.
09:09Steady on, Sergeant Major.
09:10I'm not hanging away with this, sir.
09:12Tomorrow I come and we prove who is number one manly, you or me.
09:16Right.
09:17Careful, Sergeant Major.
09:18You don't know what you're letting yourself in for.
09:19My honor is at stake, sir.
09:21We do chao young tests of manhood.
09:23Right.
09:24Okay, we go.
09:30Sergeant Major, what are you doing here?
09:31Chao young tests?
09:33Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:35What's the matter?
09:36Usabs, he has done the chao young tests of manhood.
09:40What happened?
09:41Oh, oh, oh, oh.
09:47What are all these tests?
09:48test number one eat giant pepper from bung your plant very hot now don't worry me sir anything
10:01you can eat I can eat what's the second test
10:03hunt each other through jungle with blowpipe first to score
10:18hit wins I don't like the sound of that at all I'm not going to let you do it you know I'm sorry
10:22sir but you cannot stop me a man has got to do what a man has got to do and England and Scotland not
10:33forgetting well he's really laid himself on the line for us you know what do you mean look if he
10:40thinks he's got to prove his manner that's his problem no Park is right Gloria if we had no
10:45been dressed up as schoolgirls well all this wouldn't have happened look that show business
10:49sweetheart I mean we had to dress up as schoolgirls for the number I mean what's more important than
10:53that there are other things in life after all being dressed as girls all the time isn't exactly normal
11:00I'm just as much a man as you are sweetheart just happen to be a very temperamental artiste I mean
11:09you're not normal the way you keep gazing in the mirror all day long saying that good-looking you
11:14are well I am good-looking you're not normal good-looking you've got a face like a puppet and you're not
11:25normal knobby either I beg your pardon I am then why do you keep sucking the cone of your blanket while
11:31you're asleep can't help that I was a bottle-fed baby just you try telling me I'm not normal petal and
11:42you'll get this I mean who wants to be normal eh I mean normal's for ordinary people I mean you can't be
11:52normal if you're in show business oh Gloria you don't know what it means for me to hear you say that all
11:57my life people have looked down on me and laughed but now here with you I realize that I'm not normal
12:03and I don't mind because I'm an artist when I'm on that stage singing I'm a giant if you've got that
12:13who wants to be normal exactly who wants to be normal I mean you can't be normal if you're an
12:17artiste well I certainly wouldn't want to be normal music and the arts is my life yeah and whistling's my
12:24life and doing my big doll yet that's my life oh well if you're better like that I don't want to be
12:30normal either because bending iron bars and tearing telephone directories and stuff like
12:36that that's my life that's my life that's my life bunkering is my life well I'm normal and much more
12:45I'm gonna stay normal and I'm not giving him ah hello Mohammed what you got there awesome it is the
12:54hot pepper from the bun you plant that the sergeant major has to eat tomorrow doesn't look very hot to
12:59me seize a wee bit sir be very careful look if it's too hot I can always spit it out again it
13:06it's not hot at all are you sure that's from the bun you plant yes sir but it's not having any effect on
13:21me what's bun you mean in English
13:27I got to sir my honor as a warning officer class two is at stake perhaps we ought to warn the sergeant major that the bun you pepper has a somewhat delayed effect
13:36why should we he's had it coming to him for a long time I'm ready okay
13:57we stand back to back when he drop handkerchief take five paces turn and eat you count all right
14:18good luck sergeant major thank you sir
14:26one two three four five turn and eat
14:37come on come on come on you yellow eat
14:59you
15:22How are you feeling, Sergeant Maddow?
15:37I'm all right, sir.
15:45I give you five minutes start, then I track you.
15:49First one to score hits, wins.
15:51He's already won the first test.
15:53That not counts if he lose second one.
15:58Get ready. Chop, chop.
16:01He makes the rules up as he goes along, sir.
16:03He let the Sergeant Major win the first test to give himself the advantage.
16:07The fiendish, cunning, oriental swine.
16:10Excuse me, sir, but a thought has just occurred to me.
16:13Who thought it just occurred to me?
16:15How dare you butt in, Mr. Lardy, I'll go to Graham.
16:17No, no, no, what is it?
16:18Well, once they get the Sergeant Major out there in the jungle alone, sir, how do we know he'll be safe?
16:23That's the point.
16:25Why do we get them to put a deposit on the Sergeant Major?
16:30He's not a jam jar, Ashwood.
16:31Still, not a bad idea.
16:34Now, look here, what guarantee have we that the Sergeant Major will be safe out there alone?
16:39I give you my word.
16:41Oh, that's not good enough.
16:42We need something more than that.
16:43Okay.
16:45I give you a hundred gold tickles.
16:47Right.
16:47And we'll return this as soon as the Sergeant Major gets back safely, all right?
16:51Are you ready, Sergeant Major?
16:53Sure.
16:53Right.
16:54Well, off you go, and good luck.
17:02Hooray!
17:06Oh, oh, I said, you'll be careful.
17:09Oh, very sorry, sir.
17:10Very sorry.
17:10Very sorry, indeed.
17:24Right, off you go.
17:25Ha-ha-ha!
17:27Ha-ha!
17:29Whee!
17:29Ha-ha-ha!
17:30Ha-ha-ha!
17:36Ha-ha-ha-ha!
17:37Ha-ha!
17:38Ha-ha!
17:40Mmm-hmm.
17:48Mmm-hmm.
17:50Argh!
18:10Mmm-hmm.
18:12Mmm-hmm.
18:14Mmm-hmm.
18:16Mmm-hmm.
18:18Mmm-hmm.
18:20Mmm-hmm.
18:46You cheated.
19:00Of course. That's my business.
19:02Call yourself a man.
19:04No.
19:10You cheated.
19:12Of course. That's my business.
19:14Call yourself a man?
19:16Not care. Test just excuse
19:18to get you away from village.
19:20What for?
19:22You only real soldier there.
19:24With you out of village, we steal payroll easy.
19:26This fella pretty boy. Damn smart, eh?
19:28Don't you know about the payroll?
19:30Me know everything that go on
19:32in this neck of woods.
19:36Okay, tie him up.
19:38Oh!
19:40You...
19:42What are you doing here?
19:44I followed you, Sergeant Major.
19:46I don't trust these bandits.
19:48You don't trust us, eh?
19:50But we trust you.
19:52Up very tight!
19:54Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
19:58Good afternoon.
20:00Have a lovely day.
20:02Sa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
20:04I bought very
20:28I see, sir.
20:39I'm getting rather worried about the sergeant major.
20:41Do you think we ought to send out a search party?
20:43No, we can't leave the payroll unguarded.
20:45Don't worry. No harm can come to the sergeant major as long as we've got these.
20:50Gams! Stoons!
20:52That bandit must have switched from when he stumbled into me.
20:54The swine!
20:55Calm down, Hesford. Calm down.
20:57All we can do is wait.
20:58Let's have some tea.
21:00Try it, Lola!
21:02Yes, can I stop?
21:03Two teas? Give everybody tea, I'll pay.
21:06See, can I stop?
21:08No need to worry about the sergeant major.
21:09He knows how to take care of himself.
21:11As soon as it gets dark, we take payroll.
21:13You don't think they're going to let you walk in and help yourself, do you?
21:16Sure. They don't give us any trouble. We fix.
21:20He can't leave us here like this.
21:22We set you free tomorrow after we get payroll.
21:24That is, if tigers not eat you before then.
21:29Okay, here we go. Chop, chop.
21:30I don't want to be eaten by the tigers.
21:36Shut up, will you? I'm trying to think.
21:38You can't stand up all night like this.
21:40You shut up?
21:42You're very ungrateful, Sergeant Major.
21:44I've followed you to help you.
21:45You're not helping me now, are you? So shut up!
21:48We must get back and warn the colonel.
21:49Well, the first thing we've got to do is get this pole out.
21:53Hey, push it towards that tree.
21:56All right?
21:56Right.
21:57Now, right, left!
21:59Right! Left!
22:00We're not moving.
22:02You're going a wrong way, Sergeant.
22:05She's the right way.
22:07Left?
22:08I am going left.
22:10My left, not your left, sickhead.
22:13I don't understand.
22:14My left is your right, and vice versa.
22:19Which way is that?
22:21Towards the tree!
22:24Right.
22:25Side.
22:26Together.
22:27Side.
22:28Together.
22:29Easy, easy.
22:31Right.
22:33Wait a minute.
22:35Right.
22:35Slide.
22:37Careful, careful.
22:38Slowly, slowly.
22:39The last little bit won't come out.
22:46Thank you, Bane Pearl.
22:49Hey, we'll wet it in that tree and break it off.
22:53Oh.
22:54Steady.
22:55Right.
22:56Slowly.
22:57Side.
22:58Together.
22:58Side.
22:59Together.
23:01Watch it.
23:02All right.
23:03Steady, steady.
23:04Right.
23:06Now then, wait, wait.
23:08Now we're going to break it off, all right?
23:09Yes.
23:10Right.
23:11Now, walk forward.
23:13Walk forward.
23:14Go on.
23:15Go on.
23:15Good boy.
23:16I can't keep it up.
23:18Go on, move yourself.
23:19He's coming.
23:19He's coming.
23:21Yeah!
23:25You're up to, Sudden.
23:27I can't hold it, Sergeant Major.
23:28Come on, come on, come on.
23:29Do it again.
23:30Right.
23:32Go on.
23:33Slowly.
23:34That's it.
23:35You'll get it.
23:36I can't do it any longer.
23:36Go on, go on.
23:37I can't do it any longer.
23:38No!
23:38No!
23:41No mind.
23:43No use.
23:44We'll have to take you back to camp.
23:46Come on.
23:47Pull it out.
23:49Ready?
23:51Side.
23:52Together.
23:52Don't take such big steps.
23:54My legs are shorter than yours.
23:55Side together.
23:57Side together.
23:57Side together.
23:58Side together.
23:59Side together.
23:59Side together.
23:59Side together.
24:00All the stick together.
24:01And the clouds.
24:02Move yourself.
24:04Move yourself.
24:04All right, Sergeant Major.
24:05Come on, come on, come on.
24:06Side together.
24:07Side together.
24:08Come on, come on, come on.
24:09Move it, move it.
24:10Quick step, Sandra, come on.
24:11Side together.
24:12Side together.
24:13Shut up.
24:14Get a knife and cut these ropes quick.
24:15Move yourself.
24:16All right, Sergeant Major.
24:17Come on.
24:18We've got no time.
24:19I'll cut this one.
24:20I think you'll be all right.
24:21Where is everybody?
24:22Well, I'm afraid they've, um, they're all in bed, Sergeant Major.
24:25All in bed?
24:26There's going to be a tug by bandits any minute.
24:27Get them up.
24:28Well, actually, they've gone a bit queer.
24:30What's so unusual about that?
24:34No, no, no, no, no.
24:35Sort of infantile.
24:37What do you mean infertile?
24:38Get them up.
24:39Move yourself.
24:40Get out there.
24:41Keep watching up here, rifle suckers.
24:43Can they run us up?
24:44Can they run us?
24:45Be quiet.
24:48You'll wake up my teddy.
24:50It's always going to be attacked by bandits any minute they come to steal the payroll.
24:57You're just trying to frighten me.
24:58Go away.
25:01Do you hear what I said, sir?
25:02The bandits is after the payroll.
25:04My nanny told me not to talk to you.
25:06You're common.
25:09That explains it.
25:10What?
25:11They've been like this ever since they drank the tea, Sergeant Major.
25:14I didn't have any.
25:16Get on, parade!
25:17Get on, parade!
25:18Move yourself!
25:19What's out, Sergeant Major?
25:20You don't understand.
25:21The bandits must have put something in the chara, some sort of drug that's made them all
25:27sort of childish and apathetic.
25:29What do you mean apathetic?
25:32What's new?
25:33Get out you and bring your rifles!
25:38Will you get out here?!
25:40Humperty-lumperty, stand on the wall. Humperty-lumperty, paradise wall.
25:47All the kings are...
25:49Pull yourself together!
25:50It's no use, Sergeant Major. The drunk has given them diminished responsibility.
25:53Who distinguished responsibility, will I tell you?
25:55I'll soon cure her. Hey, come on, get up!
25:58Ah!
25:59Come on, let's have you, come on.
26:01Ooh!
26:03Pull yourself together!
26:05Why are you eating us?
26:06Why are you so cruel?
26:09We don't love you anymore!
26:12You're horrible and you're cruel!
26:14And we're gonna go back to our car!
26:18Ah!
26:19Ah!
26:20Ah!
26:21Ah!
26:22Ah!
26:23Ah!
26:24Ah!
26:25Ah!
26:26Ah!
26:27Ah!
26:28Ah!
26:29Ah!
26:30Ah!
26:31Ah!
26:32Ah!
26:33Ah!
26:34Ah!
26:35Ah!
26:36Ah!
26:37Ah!
26:38Ah!
26:39Ah!
26:40Ah!
26:41Ah!
26:42Ah!
26:43Ah!
26:44Ah!
26:45Ah!
26:46Shut up.
26:51Get ready.
26:58I say, anybody about?
27:02That's not me, Kent.
27:04Anybody there?
27:07He's English.
27:10Who are you?
27:11What's going on?
27:13Well, we thought he was bandits.
27:15No.
27:16Look, I'm Major Webster.
27:18These are my Burmese scouts.
27:20Are you the scoutmaster?
27:24Shut up!
27:25I dress like this to blend in with my men.
27:28Well, thank God he's come, sir. We're expecting an attack by bandits.
27:31Actually, I don't think they'll be coming.
27:34We caught them all a short while ago.
27:37What do you do with them, sir?
27:38Tied them up, Burmese fashion.
27:40Tied them up!
27:41Tied them up!
27:42Tied them up!
27:43Tied them up!
27:44Tied them up!
27:45Tied them up!
27:46Tied them up!
27:47Tied them up!
27:48Tied them up!
27:49Tied them up!
27:50Tied them up!
27:51Tied them up!
27:52Tied them up!
27:53Tied them up!
27:54You want to buy Rhinoceros horn? Bargain price?
28:24The boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
28:28I'm good to make it to be, so give us a cheerio.
28:32Hey, hey, hey, just gather around and put down your gun.
28:36With us and us, there's plenty of fun.
28:39So meet the gang, cos the boys are here, the boys to entertain you.
28:45B-O-B-O-Y-S, boys to entertain you.
28:52And of hope and glory, mother of the...
28:58Shut up!
Recommended
29:56
|
Up next
29:33
29:39
29:59
29:59
29:35
29:39