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Films in Public Domain
Transcript
00:00The Lucy Show
00:10Starring Lucille Ball
00:16Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Good morning
00:46Mr. Cook
00:57Sit down, sit down, Mr. Burns.
01:01Now then, what can I do for you?
01:02I stopped by to pick up my dividend statement.
01:05Ah, yes.
01:05Well, my secretary has your files.
01:07You'll be right back.
01:08Fine.
01:09Uh, do you, do you smoke cigars, Mr. Mooney?
01:12Yes, yes, I do, yes.
01:15May I have one?
01:23Jack Benny always pulls that on me.
01:27There is fun.
01:30Some actors have to be on all the time.
01:32So I've heard.
01:33Oh, that could be very annoying.
01:35I could never be like that.
01:36I think it's unprofessional.
01:38I say once an actor walks off the stage,
01:40he should leave his work there.
01:41Be like everybody else.
01:43Very commendable.
01:44I've learned to relax.
01:45Like Irving Berlin said in that song many years ago.
01:48Lazy, I want to be lazy.
01:50I want to just lay in the sun with no work to be done.
01:53Yes, I remember that.
01:54Oh, under that awning they call the sky.
01:57It was very much...
01:57Stretching, eh?
01:58Only you'll let the will go to the night.
02:01I want to peep
02:02in the deep tangle wildwood.
02:05Counting sheep while I sleep
02:06like a child would
02:08with a great big release full
02:10of books to read while it's peaceful.
02:13And while I'm killing time,
02:15being lazy now, Mr. Mooney.
02:16Maybe I can find your fire, Mr. Burns.
02:27It should be here under the bees.
02:29All right, Martin, Miller, Munson, Murph.
02:34Under the bees?
02:37Maybe we'd better wait for my secretary.
02:39I hope you don't mind baiting.
02:41Think nothing of it.
02:42But now that I'm not doing an act anymore,
02:44all I've got is time on my hands,
02:46you and me,
02:47nothing but love in view.
02:50Hand to my ball.
02:52Once and for all,
02:53I'll see my dreams come true.
02:56Moments to spare for someone
02:58who can't walk...
02:58Excuse me, Mr. Burns.
02:59Oh, yeah, well, yes, well,
03:01I was here, ma'am.
03:02I hope you, ah,
03:04we could...
03:05Time on my hands,
03:06Mr. Mooney, don't be embarrassed.
03:12Nobody ever lets me finish a song.
03:15Would you care for another?
03:16Oh, no, no, go right on with your work.
03:18I'll just sit here
03:19and look at the stock report.
03:21Oh, yeah.
03:23My, I envy you, Mr. Burns.
03:25How's that?
03:25Well, being able to retire
03:27in the prime of your life,
03:28just sit back and
03:29to collect dividends.
03:31Well, that might be true
03:32about some people,
03:33but not about me.
03:34It kills me not to be doing an act.
03:35Well, why did you stop working?
03:37Well, I've always liked
03:38to work with women.
03:39I had a great act
03:40going with Carol Channing,
03:41and then she left me.
03:42She went into Hello, Dolly,
03:43and then I did an act
03:44with Dorothy Provine,
03:46and then she went into television,
03:47and Connie Stevens
03:48went into pictures.
03:49Well, why don't you find
03:50some other girl
03:51to work with you?
03:52Mr. Mooney,
03:53comediennes are not
03:54that easy to find.
03:55Gotta find a girl
03:56with a kind of a pixie personality,
03:58eccentric way out,
03:59a real kook.
04:00A girl like that
04:01is very, very hard to be.
04:04Share the contract,
04:05well, it's about time
04:07you got here.
04:07I've been trying
04:08to find Mr. Burns' file.
04:10Oh!
04:12Oh, George Burns!
04:14How do you do?
04:16Oh, you've been
04:17a favorite of mine
04:18for years.
04:19Oh, thank you.
04:20Oh!
04:21Oh, I used to watch you
04:22all the time on radio.
04:26You watched me on radio?
04:28I mean, I used to listen
04:30to you on television.
04:33You listened to me
04:33on television.
04:34Yeah, that was the year
04:35my picture tube went out.
04:37You should have gone back
04:38to watching me on radio.
04:39Ah!
04:41Oh, you say
04:42the funniest thing!
04:44Mrs. Carmichael!
04:46Yes, sir?
04:46I've been trying
04:48to find Mr. Burns' file.
04:49It is not under the B's.
04:51Oh, I must have put it
04:52under the X's.
04:54Why would you put
04:55the B file
04:56under the X's?
04:57That poor little file
04:58never has anything in it.
05:02Oh, not here.
05:03Well, where is it?
05:04Well, now,
05:05I don't know.
05:06Wait a minute.
05:06Oh, I bet I know
05:08what I did.
05:09You see, Mr. Burns,
05:10I always have trouble
05:12remembering names,
05:13so I took a course
05:14in word association.
05:16Now, Burns
05:17reminds me of fire.
05:19So you filed it
05:20under the F's?
05:21No.
05:22No, fire reminds me
05:23of your stove.
05:24So you put my file
05:25under the acid.
05:26No, stove reminds me
05:27of pot roast.
05:29It's your turn.
05:33You filed it
05:34under the P's?
05:35No, pot roast
05:36reminds me of noodles.
05:38Mrs. Carmichael,
05:40you're making me angry.
05:43You're making me hungry.
05:46And noodles
05:47reminds me of my mother.
05:49Your turn.
05:50Do those remind you
05:53of your mother?
05:53Yeah, she made
05:54the best noodles,
05:55and I bet that's
05:56where I put your fight.
05:57Under noodles?
05:58No, under gravy.
06:01Mrs. Carmichael,
06:01I don't know
06:02what I'm going to do
06:03with you.
06:03I know what
06:04I'm going to do
06:05with her.
06:05Start a whole new career.
06:08Mrs. Carmichael.
06:09Yes, sir?
06:09Have you ever thought
06:10about going on the stage?
06:12Oh,
06:13all my life.
06:15How would you like
06:18to do an act with me?
06:19Oh, Mr. Burns,
06:20you can't be serious.
06:21I know it.
06:22That's why I want
06:22to get back on the stage.
06:26What do you say?
06:27Oh, well,
06:28that's very nice of you,
06:29Mr. Burns,
06:30but I couldn't do that.
06:31I couldn't quit
06:32my job here.
06:33Why not?
06:38Because it wouldn't
06:39be fair to you,
06:40Mr. Mooney.
06:40You need me.
06:42Good help
06:42is hard to find.
06:44Well,
06:44I'd be delighted
06:45to start looking.
06:48Mrs. Carmichael,
06:50this is a great opportunity
06:51for you to make
06:51a lot of money.
06:52Yes, I know.
06:53It does sound
06:54like a wonderful opportunity.
06:57Oh,
06:57and you know,
06:58today,
06:59my horoscope
07:00said that my
07:01whole future
07:02was going to take
07:03a turn for the better.
07:04So did mine.
07:08Oh,
07:09how much would I make?
07:10Well,
07:11it's unprofessional.
07:12for an artist
07:13to discuss money.
07:14Oh.
07:14That's usually handled
07:15by your agent
07:16to someone
07:16who handles
07:17your financial matters.
07:18Oh,
07:18oh,
07:18Mr. Mooney
07:19usually handles
07:20all my financial things.
07:21Yes,
07:22yes,
07:22and I'd be delighted
07:23to represent you
07:24in this matter.
07:25Would you?
07:26Yes,
07:26indeed.
07:27For the customary,
07:2820%.
07:2910% is customary.
07:32Oh,
07:3310.
07:33Oh,
07:34yeah.
07:36Well,
07:36you see,
07:36I'm new to show business.
07:38You two talk it over
07:41and when you decide
07:42on what you want,
07:43you can get together
07:43with my agent.
07:44Fine.
07:45Fine.
07:45Here's my address.
07:47Be at my apartment tonight
07:48and we can start rehearsing.
07:49Your apartment?
07:50It's nice and quiet there
07:54and nobody will bother us.
07:56Well,
07:57I,
07:57I hardly know you,
07:59Mr. Burns,
08:00and going to your apartment,
08:02you in show business
08:04and all.
08:05Mrs. Carmichael,
08:06you don't have to worry
08:07about a man
08:08like Mr. Burns.
08:09She does too.
08:16I didn't mean
08:17that you aren't
08:17a gentleman,
08:18Mr. Burns.
08:19I just meant that
08:19well,
08:21I meant
08:21you're a man
08:23and if I go to your apartment,
08:24people might talk.
08:25What people?
08:26There won't be any people there.
08:28And when I talk,
08:29nobody believes it anymore.
08:32I'll let you know.
08:33Okay.
08:34Bye, Mr. Burns.
08:36Bye, Mr. Burns.
08:36See you.
08:37Bye.
08:37Bye.
08:37Bye.
08:38Bye.
08:38Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:39Bye.
08:40Bye.
08:40Bye.
08:40Bye.
08:42Bye.
08:42Bye.
08:42Bye.
08:43Bye.
08:43Bye.
08:44Bye.
08:44Bye.
08:44Bye.
08:44Bye.
08:45Bye.
08:46Bye.
08:46Bye.
08:46Bye.
08:47Bye.
08:47Bye.
08:48Good evening, Mr. Burns.
08:51Good evening.
08:52Come on in.
08:55Oh.
08:57What a lovely apartment.
09:00Well, I'm glad you like it.
09:01Oh, it's so beautiful.
09:02Are you ready to try a little rehearsal?
09:04Oh, yes.
09:04I can hardly wait to find out what I do on the stage.
09:07First, you've got to learn how to get on the stage.
09:09Oh.
09:10Yes, sir.
09:11Making an entrance is very important.
09:14Oh.
09:15Now, let's see.
09:15Where are we?
09:16That'll be the wings right there.
09:17Oh, uh-huh.
09:18Now, this'll be center stage.
09:19Yes, sir.
09:20Yeah.
09:20Is that the audience out there?
09:22That's the audience.
09:23Okay.
09:23Now, we're introduced over the house, Mike.
09:25Oh, are we?
09:26Ladies and gentlemen, here they are, George Burns and Lucy Carmichael.
09:32Now, the orchestra plays our entrance music.
09:34Oh, what is our entrance music?
09:36Some of these days.
09:37Oh.
09:37Now, let's make our entrance.
09:39Let's go and go.
09:39Oh, from over here.
09:40Now, you walk out just like I do.
09:41Yes, sir.
09:42Okay.
09:42Yes, sir.
09:42Now, here they are, ladies and gentlemen, George Burns and Lucy Carmichael.
09:47Now, there's music, and I'm walking out, and I'm bowing, and I get to the center of the
09:51stage, and when I get to the center of the stage, I don't want to.
09:55Sorry, Mr.
09:56Honey, you walked out too fast.
09:59Oh.
09:59Well, I guess I've waited so long to go on stage that I was kind of in a hurry.
10:05You belong over here.
10:07Oh, over here.
10:07Over there.
10:08Oh.
10:08That's it.
10:09Now, we'll stop.
10:10Yes.
10:10Well, Lucy, say hello.
10:11Hello.
10:15Me to the audience.
10:17Oh.
10:18Hello.
10:19Don't look down at the audience.
10:23The people in the back can't see you.
10:25Oh.
10:27Uh, hello.
10:29Now, I'll tell you a little trick.
10:31Especially when you're new and you might be self-conscious.
10:33You look out at the audience, but you don't see them.
10:36You sort of look past them.
10:38Oh.
10:39Well, now, will Lucy say hello?
10:41Hello.
10:44Hello.
10:45Very good.
10:49Do that again.
10:51Hello.
10:54What's, um, what's that?
10:56What is that business?
10:57Oh, a little curtsy.
10:59Yeah.
11:00I saw Ginger Rogers do that on the Late Late Show last night.
11:03Yeah, I saw her on the show.
11:05She's my favorite.
11:06My very favorite.
11:07No, she's very good.
11:08Yeah.
11:08Fred Astaire was in the picture, too.
11:10It was a wonderful picture.
11:11You know, at the beginning of it, Fred was an ambitious young dancer
11:14playing in a show in Muncie, Indiana.
11:16Muncie?
11:17You ever been in Muncie?
11:17I was closed there.
11:19Oh.
11:20Well, Ginger Rogers is one of the chorus girls in the picture,
11:23and Fred's up there dancing away, you know,
11:25and Ginger's in back of him kicking with the girls, you know,
11:28and she accidentally kicks Fred,
11:30and the people laugh, and Fred is very embarrassed, you know,
11:32and then the girls go offstage,
11:35and Ginger starts for her dressing room,
11:37and Fred comes offstage, grabs her,
11:39and starts bawling her out,
11:41and that poor little thing is on the verge of tears.
11:43She's hurt.
11:44Not her, or him.
11:45Oh, him.
11:48It hurt where she kicked him.
11:51And he tells her she's nothing but a clumsy clown with two left feet,
11:56and he calls her a no-talent nitwit,
11:59and then she calls him a swell-headed nincompoop.
12:02Yeah, and that's when they realize that they really love each other.
12:05It all went down.
12:07So later that night, he goes over to her apartment
12:09to apologize for bawling her out, you know,
12:11and he knocks on the door,
12:13and...
12:13He knocks on the door.
12:21If that's Fred Astaire, I'm giving up cigars.
12:25Come in.
12:26Oh, good evening, sir.
12:30Very nice to see you.
12:31Oh, if you don't mind my dropping by.
12:32No, I suppose you came by to transact the deal.
12:35Yes, yes, I did, and to see how my client is getting along.
12:39Well, we've been rehearsing a little bit.
12:40Yeah, Mr. Burns is teaching me how to say hello.
12:43Um, hello.
12:47Oh, my, that's very good.
12:50You'll be worth a lot of money, this girl.
12:52Well, I don't discuss money.
12:54You'll have to talk to my agent.
12:56Hello.
12:57No, no, no more.
12:58Save it, save it until after we've made it to you.
13:00Oh.
13:01By the way, Mr. Mooney,
13:03I hope you don't think I'm taking advantage of you.
13:05How's that?
13:06Well, show business is new to you,
13:07and you'll be dealing with a man
13:08who's had a lot of experience in theatrical deals.
13:11Well, what's the difference?
13:12Money is money,
13:13and after all, a man with my vast banking
13:15and financial experience,
13:16it may be that your agent
13:18will be the one who is at a disadvantage.
13:21All right.
13:21My agent is very good at money matters.
13:23Oh?
13:24Excuse me.
13:29Hello?
13:30Mr. Burns, your agent's calling.
13:31Good, put him on.
13:33Hello, George, this is Jack.
13:36No question time.
13:44Mrs. Carmichael's agent is here right now.
13:46Fine, let me talk to him.
13:48Good.
13:48There he is.
13:49His name is Mooney.
13:50Mr. Mooney.
13:51Here, Mr. Mooney, my agent.
13:53What's his name?
13:54Benny.
13:55Jack Benny.
14:00Jack Benny is your agent?
14:02We'll be fair to you.
14:15We will not.
14:17I'll handle this.
14:18You just get us booked someplace.
14:20I got you a break-in date for tomorrow night
14:22at a club in Santa Monica.
14:24We open tomorrow night at a club in Santa Monica.
14:26Oh, that's wonderful.
14:29Great.
14:30The bookers from Vegas will be in to see you,
14:32and I...
14:33So I hope they act good.
14:34Don't worry.
14:35She'll be fine.
14:36I mean you.
14:38Oh.
14:38Oh.
14:44And now, ladies and gentlemen,
14:47George Burns and Lucy Starbucket.
15:00Lucy, say hello.
15:02Hello.
15:04Well, now that you're on the stage,
15:05what are you going to do?
15:06Oh.
15:07Well, when I was in the beauty parlor this afternoon,
15:09I heard a wonderful joke.
15:10Would you like to hear it?
15:11It had everybody dying laughing.
15:13We'd all like to hear it.
15:13Oh.
15:14Well, this one man looked up
15:17and said to the other man,
15:18don't ask me.
15:19I just got here myself.
15:26Is that the joke?
15:29Well, there was some stuff ahead of it
15:31that I didn't hear.
15:33That's a lie that they were dying laughing at.
15:36I, um, I wouldn't tell that if I were you.
15:39Too old?
15:40Oh, yes.
15:40It's been kicked.
15:41Oh.
15:41Let's, um, let's talk about your brother.
15:44Oh, which brother do you want to talk about?
15:45The one that's married or the one that's in love?
15:49Oh.
15:49Oh, yeah, yeah.
15:52Well, that's my brother, Harry.
15:53He's with the FBI.
15:55Your brother's with the FBI?
15:56Yeah, they picked him up in Kansas City.
16:00So the FBI picked him up?
16:01Well, they had to.
16:02He couldn't pick himself up.
16:05Loaded again.
16:06Poor Harry.
16:07Hasn't your family ever tried to do something about his drinking?
16:09Well, we sent him to a psychiatrist,
16:11and the psychiatrist worked and worked
16:13to get to the bottom of Harry's drinking.
16:15And finally, he found out Harry's problem.
16:17What was it?
16:18Harry likes to drink.
16:22Well, we all have our reasons.
16:24I think Harry drinks to forget.
16:26Forget what?
16:27That he's a kleptomaniac.
16:28He's a kleptomaniac.
16:30Harry was always going into stores and taking things,
16:32so you know what my mother did?
16:34What?
16:34Well, she took some adhesive,
16:36and she taped his hand shut all but this one finger.
16:38Taped his hand shut all but that?
16:40Why?
16:42Well, so he could play marbles with my other brother.
16:46You can't play marbles with one finger.
16:48Well, Mother did that to even up the game.
16:50You see, Harry didn't have all of his fingers,
16:52and my other brother didn't have all of his marbles.
16:54That made the game even.
17:01Yes, it did.
17:01But when your mother taped up Harry's hand
17:03so that he only had one finger,
17:05did this stop his shoplifting?
17:06Well, it helped.
17:07All he could steal were donuts.
17:11Harry likes donuts.
17:12It was a donut that broke Harry's back.
17:18Donut broke his back?
17:19Yeah.
17:19You see, he had a donut in his right-hand pocket,
17:21and he tried to get it out with his left hand.
17:23And broke his back?
17:24Yeah.
17:25Well, the next time he's got a donut in his right-hand pocket,
17:28don't try to take it out with his right hand.
17:30Well, that's kind of hard when you've got your pants on backwards.
17:36He has pants on backwards?
17:37Yeah.
17:38You see, Harry had a suit with two pair of pants,
17:40and he put one pair on frontwards and one pair on backwards.
17:42So that he could walk either way.
17:44That's when the truck hit him.
17:49What truck?
17:50The truck that didn't have its lights on.
17:53Well, why didn't the man in the truck have his lights on?
17:56Well, he didn't have to.
17:58I knew it was daytime.
18:01Well, if it was daytime,
18:03didn't the man in the truck see your brother coming?
18:05He didn't know it was my brother.
18:11Oh, he saw two pair of pants coming toward him,
18:13and he drove right between us.
18:15Two sweethearts in a country town,
18:28and neighbors say
18:30lived happily the whole day long.
18:34Until one day he told him he must go away,
18:36she wondered what could go wrong.
18:37He said, you know, it's true,
18:42I love you best of all,
18:45and yet it's best that we should part.
18:48Just as he went away,
18:50he heard his sweetheart say.
18:51Here's a pretty tempo, Lucy.
18:52Play with it.
18:54Although broke her eyes.
18:56Some of these days,
18:58Yes, some of these days,
19:00You'll miss me, honey.
19:02You're gonna miss me, honey.
19:04Some of these days,
19:06Yes, one of these days,
19:08You'll feel so lonely.
19:10You'll be feeling, oh, so lonely.
19:13You'll miss my hugging.
19:14You used to love it when I'd hug and squeeze you.
19:16You'll miss my kissing.
19:17You'll ask for more,
19:19and I tease you.
19:20You'll miss me only.
19:21You'll want me only.
19:23When you go away.
19:25When you're a million miles.
19:27You'll feel so lonely.
19:29In the evening when the sun goes down.
19:31Just for me only.
19:33I'll be on the other side of town.
19:35For you know how I leave.
19:37For you know, baby.
19:38You've had your way.
19:40That you went and had your way.
19:42And when you leave me,
19:46I know it will grieve me.
19:48You can bet you're gonna be full of sorrow.
19:50You'll miss your true mind.
19:53Baby, some of these days.
19:55Didi dida, didi dida, didi dida.
20:00Didi dida, didi dida, didi dida.
20:03Didi dida, didi dida, didi didi.
20:06Ba, ba, du, di di ba.
20:09Ba, ba, du, di.
20:13Ba, du, di, ba, du.
20:18Ah-ah-ah-ah, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
20:24Uh-uh, and I can't in.
20:27Unda-ya, da-ya, de-di, ba-ba-ba-da-da-di, da-da-da.
20:37Um-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
20:40Uh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
20:44Ba-ba-dee-dee, ba-ba-dee-dee-dee-dee
20:52Only, just for me only
20:57What you know I have
21:01That you've had your way
21:05And when you say goodbye
21:09Ooh, wipe that tear from your eyes
21:14You're gonna miss your baby
21:17You're gonna miss your bad-haired mama
21:21Ooh, you're gonna miss your blue-eyed baby somebody
21:25Maybe stop the wind
21:33Stop-stop-stop-stop-stop-stop-stop-stop-stop-stop
21:55Lucy, you are just great.
22:01Everybody out front is tough.
22:04Congratulations.
22:05Mrs. Tom, Michael, I couldn't be more proud of you.
22:10Oh, Mr. Lurie, that's the first time you ever kissed me.
22:14Well, banking and show business are different.
22:18You know, this girl is sensational.
22:20And the men from Las Vegas have offered $10,000 for the act.
22:24$10,000?
22:26They'll go as high as $15,000 if you won't sing.
22:32We'll take the $10,000.
22:34Did you hear that, Lurie?
22:35We're going to Vegas.
22:36Oh, that's just wonderful.
22:38You know, this is like what happened to Ginger Rogers in that picture last night.
22:42The producer saw her on the stage.
22:44She got an offer to go to Vegas.
22:45But she'd been with Fred so long that she didn't want to be...
22:48Oh.
22:52Oh, Mr. Burns, I can't go.
22:54Why not?
22:55Oh, because I can't leave Mr. Mooney.
23:00But I want you to go.
23:02Oh, no, you don't.
23:05You need me.
23:06I don't need you.
23:07I want you to leave.
23:09Oh.
23:09I couldn't leave you any more than Ginger could leave Fred.
23:13Not even when Fred pretended to be mad and said things that were very nasty to make her mad.
23:18Mrs. Carmichael, please get it through your head.
23:20I want you to go with Mr. Burns.
23:22My life would be happier without you.
23:25Happier.
23:26Happier.
23:28That's just what Fred said, because he didn't want to stand in her way.
23:32But Ginger knew that Fred needed her, just like you need me, Mr. Mooney.
23:36Now, now, now.
23:38I'm sorry, Mr. Burns, but it just wouldn't work.
23:41I couldn't be funny out on the stage thinking about Mr. Mooney back in the bank trying to get along without me.
23:47Mr. Mooney, you must be a wonderful man.
23:49How do you inspire such loyalty?
23:52I don't know what I've done to deserve this.
23:55Well, I hope you're not mad at me, Mr. Burns.
23:58What for?
23:59This is the story of my life.
24:00But what about the engagement at Las Vegas?
24:03Well, now that I don't have a girl, I guess we'll have to pass up the $10,000.
24:08Oh, I'm just awfully sorry about it, but, you know, Mr. Burns, Mr. Mooney has...
24:15What are you doing?
24:18If you think I'm going to let $10,000 go down the drain, you are crazy.
24:23Some of these days...
24:30I said, Mr. MooneyWhirishVie evermore...
24:32...if you want me to do it for though...
24:34Well, I really'll do it for...
24:36Good-bye.
24:37We'll do it for you...
24:45You won't do it for the director.
24:47I want you to know...
24:48...you won't do it for the job...
24:49...but you do it for the job.
24:54You won't do it for me.
24:54You won't do it for you..
24:56You won't do it for me.
24:56The final one to have a woman's Brockley...
24:58...and they're married.
24:59You won't do it for you.
25:00I don't do it for you.