- yesterday
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00:00Tonight, live, it's the Friars Club Celebrity Roast, guest starring the Wahoo Ganoo, Steed
00:13Martin, Paro, Santa Claus, Razzle Rat, a scrawny chicken, and our own Roastmaster, Don Rattles.
00:29Will you pawn that silly? All here tonight to honor the animal of the hour, Jack the Easter Rabbit.
00:36Wow, too much. The Easter Rabbit, here.
00:41In person. He's hanging up his basket tonight, retiring.
00:45That's not true.
00:47Is too? I read it in the paper. He's quitting.
00:52He can't do that.
00:59The time flies by so swiftly, when you're having fun, delivering those Easter eggs.
01:09But now my time is coming.
01:13Can't retire.
01:14I'm going up to the country. My egg hunt days are through.
01:20I'd like to quit while I'm ahead, like all good champions do.
01:25So please don't worry about me, baby. I'll be in good hands.
01:30I'm packing up my basket to give someone else a chance.
01:35Because Easter's been very good to me.
01:40So think of which of you it just might be.
01:46I'll tell you quite confidentially.
01:51Yes, Easter's been very good to me.
01:56Yes, Easter's been very, very good to me.
02:01I've got to stop this.
02:06You're an ardvark.
02:08So vark ardvark.
02:13Jack, you know what you can do now to make ends meet?
02:16Wrench your front teeth out as a billboard.
02:20I'm going to finish you off later, Jack,
02:22because right now I want to bring up the one and only Santa Claus.
02:24That's a nice thing, Santa.
02:29Where did you get it, Christmas Island?
02:31Oh, no, no.
02:31Thank you, Virginia.
02:34Yeah, thank you.
02:35Thank you, thank you.
02:36Oh, you're beautiful, really.
02:38No, don't stop.
02:39No, love you all.
02:40Now, there's a story that nobody knows.
02:46Yeah, and I think that it's fitting,
02:47here on the eve of Jack's retirement,
02:49to tell how the world got its one and only Easter rabbit.
02:54Now, Jack was born many years ago in the spring.
03:02Get those rabbits!
03:03Come on, go get them!
03:05Hey!
03:08Hey, what's happening?
03:11Come on in the club!
03:12Come on!
03:13Yo, Mom!
03:16Abandoned as a baby, he was rescued and raised by chickens.
03:24Very early on, he realized that he was not like other chicks.
03:32Up-a-sha, up-a-sha, quick like a bunny.
03:43Up-a-sha, up-a-sha, quick like a bunny.
03:47So he tried never to forget that he was a rabbit.
03:53Though that didn't stop him from trying to please his adopted parents.
03:59Y'all keep trying, son.
04:02Christmas came, as it always does.
04:05And they were very kind to him, even though they were very poor.
04:09Oh, no, Jack's present must have fallen out.
04:38Oh, oh, oh, oh.
04:40I'll find it, Mom.
04:42Don't worry.
04:43It's here, somewhere.
04:46Don't cry, Mama.
04:50No, it's over there.
04:51Ah, I think it's over there.
04:52I see it.
04:53Ah, ha, ha.
05:02Gotcha!
05:03Whoops!
05:04It's beautiful.
05:11Jack, what did Santa bring you?
05:14An egg.
05:16And I had to find it myself.
05:20That's what you get for living with chickens.
05:22Oh, boy, what a clock clock.
05:25You gotta write Santa and tell him what you want.
05:28But Jack knew the gift of the egg was special, and I guess he thought I was pretty special, too, because I soon started hearing from him quite a lot.
05:38Hey, Santa, thanks for the egg.
05:41You are grade A all the way, man.
05:44Well, Christmas is past, and Jack grew up, sort of.
05:50But he could never quite decide what he would be until one Easter holiday.
06:05I hate Easter holidays.
06:08They're so dull.
06:10Come on.
06:11Easter's just like Christmas.
06:13Where's your spirit?
06:14Right.
06:14Oh, sure, clock clock.
06:16Don't you know nothing?
06:18Christmas is for kids.
06:20Easter is for grown-ups.
06:22Yeah.
06:23All my Christmas toys are broken already, eh?
06:25You should have got an egg.
06:27Yeah.
06:28How about that egg?
06:30Hey, come on.
06:30Get that egg.
06:31Jack knew they didn't mean anything by it.
06:33They were just bored.
06:35But he wanted very much to make them happy, make them his friends.
06:38So that's when he made his decision to play Santa Claus.
06:42I thought he had no money for gifts.
06:46He had plenty of eggs.
06:47Ain't that funny now?
06:48Hup-cha, hup-cha, quick like a bunny.
06:52Ain't that funny?
06:54Hup-cha, hup-cha, quick like a bunny.
06:57Hup-cha, hup-cha, quick like a bunny.
06:59Hup-cha, hup-cha.
07:04Hup-cha, hup-cha, hup-cha.
07:05Now, ain't that funny?
07:08Hup-cha, hup-cha, hup-cha, hup-cha, hup-cha, hup-cha, hup-cha.
07:11And that Easter morning, all the children found something quite special.
07:24Oh, boy, eh?
07:28I found an Easter egg. I found an Easter egg!
07:33It's me, too!
07:35Where do you think the Easter eggs come from?
07:37The Egg Fairy!
07:38The Moon, eh?
07:39A very generous chicken?
07:42Nope. The Easter rabbit brought them.
07:45I saw him. Jack the Easter rabbit.
07:47Jack? Aw, Jack the Easter rabbit?
07:51And so Jack the Easter rabbit, well, he found his true path in life.
07:59And Easter became the kids' second favorite holiday.
08:03Second favorite? What do you mean, second favorite?
08:06What, do you think you're number one or something?
08:07I mean, according to Gallup, I've got to get out there and talk to Jack.
08:21I've got to talk Jack out of retiring.
08:23Mr. Easter rabbit?
08:30Mr. Easter rabbit?
08:32Not again? You've got lots of work in the kitchen.
08:37So start kitchen up!
08:39And now we have an old friend of Jack's.
08:43A celebrity in his own right.
08:46Lots of rats!
08:48Thank you!
08:49You know, Jackie and me, we come from the same neighborhood.
08:53Only Jack got into his career a lot earlier than me.
08:56And it's no secret that I was always jealous of old clock clock.
09:00Jealous? Man, you did everything you could to make my life a downright drag.
09:06True, but if I hadn't, you might never have won the hand of Scarlet your future missus.
09:12It all happened one year when Easter and romance hit Jack about the same time.
09:17It was the week before Easter, and Jack was in last-minute training.
09:21I'm up, I'm down, I'm on the floor.
09:40This crazy chemistry has got me slipping, sliding, darling, falling out of trees.
09:46Ooh!
09:47Boop, boop, boop.
09:48Woo-ha!
09:49Could I ask you for a date?
09:52If not, would you please call?
09:54If there is any change.
09:56Woo!
09:56I'm up, I'm down, I'm on the floor.
09:59Boop, I'm down.
10:00I'm up, I'm down.
10:02Woo-ha!
10:03I'm up, I'm down.
10:05Ah-ha!
10:06The Easter rabbit's cracking up!
10:08The Easter rabbit's cracking up!
10:10Well, you know there's something wrong when the Easter rabbit starts to drop the Easter egg.
10:15So it was decided that Lovestruck Jack wasn't fit to deliver that year, and open auditions were held for a replacement.
10:23Naturally, I was there bright and oily, ready to prove I could do the job.
10:28Of course, a lot of other animals had the same idea.
10:33Next.
10:35Here comes Peter Easter bat flopping.
10:40Next.
10:40Next.
10:44Next.
10:48Next.
10:55Hey there, beautiful bunny.
10:58I'm Jack.
10:59And I'm busy.
11:02Oh, ma cheree.
11:03Baby, let me look at you.
11:06I mean, all of you, mama.
11:07I want to drive you wild.
11:09Sorry, I never accept rides from strangers.
11:13But you, you don't know how much you mean to me.
11:17I don't know how much you mean to me.
11:18I don't know how much I mean by much.
11:20I only know I love...
11:21Woo!
11:23Next.
11:26Hey, you dumb bunny!
11:28I'm next!
11:29Wait your turn, fella.
11:30Congratulations.
11:36Congratulations.
11:38You will have the honor of delivering the Easter eggs this year.
11:43I will?
11:45Well, I was so ticked off, I could have eaten fleas.
11:48And I went right downtown where I spoke up to a tough gang of rats.
11:52And I swear, this is the truth.
11:58I ran the fastest time of all the animals, but they disqualified me because I was too short.
12:05Too short.
12:06We all know the real reason was because I was too rat.
12:09No one wants an Easter rat, and that's a bit of cheese to swallow.
12:16Especially because I deserved it.
12:19So I say we take action and put the Easter basket back where it belongs in these little rodent hands.
12:28Are you with me?
12:29Let's go!
12:30Get her!
12:32Knock, knock.
12:33Jack, go away.
12:34I'm coming out.
12:35But, Bunnikins, I adore you.
12:39And she adores me.
12:42Get her!
13:05Jack, come on.
13:31Hup-cha, hup-cha.
13:32Scott, it's in trouble.
13:32You're in trouble.
13:33Let's go.
13:33Let's go.
13:37Let's go.
13:38Let's go.
13:39I'm coming out.
13:43Wow.
13:46What?
13:56Yeah.
13:57Yeah.
13:58Yeah-
13:59Jack!
14:08Scarlet.
14:09Come on, we've still got time to deliver the eggs.
14:16Then I hit him again and again,
14:18a left and a right, and vice versa,
14:20till he went down for the count,
14:21I grabbed the basket and...
14:23Well, it would have been a better ending.
14:30No hard feelings, Jack.
14:32Nope, none at all.
14:34Easter's been very good to me.
14:44I gotta stop...
14:46I gotta stop him somehow.
14:49Well, before we put Jack out to pasture,
14:52here's Steve Martin.
14:54Wahoo-hoo!
14:56Well, Easter rabbit quits.
14:58I mean, this certainly is hair-raising news.
15:01Gotta stop him somehow.
15:03We're having a good time now, aren't we kids?
15:05Yes.
15:06Yes.
15:07Here's Rosie.
15:08You know, people come to me and they say,
15:10Steve, how can you be so gosh darn lucky?
15:14Well, there's no secret to it, it's no big deal.
15:16Before I go on, I put a horseshoe in each one of my socks.
15:20So when I'm on stage, I feel four times luckier than the average canoe.
15:31Gee, I always like to do one thing that is impossible,
15:34so right now I'm going to blow this horn into my lawn.
15:41Wahoo!
15:42Isn't this nice, Jack?
15:45You get to stay up late with all the big people.
15:49Well, fittingly, we've saved the least for last.
15:52So without further ado, here's a scrawny chicken.
15:56Thank you for that purdy introduction, Mr. Rattles.
15:59Ahem.
16:00Ahem.
16:01I've known Jack ever since he was a small fry.
16:04We lost touch for a spell, but the night we met up again will live deep in my memory.
16:10Jack was mighty short on eggs that Easter,
16:13cause it was the year of the mystery egg shortage.
16:17But it was no mystery to us chickens, cause we was being rustled.
16:21Hey, scrawny, I need a favor.
16:24Whoops!
16:30Aha!
16:32A cracked egg.
16:35Another cracked egg.
16:38Eggs Benedict.
16:40Eggs Benedict.
16:42This tastes like the work of that wacko, mad on my leg, the TV chef.
16:49Hupcha, hupcha, baked like a bunny.
16:56What shall we cook today?
16:58I'm really in the mood.
17:00For a certain special dish.
17:02How I love exotic foods.
17:04Ah, the bigger, the better, the more, the merrier.
17:07Now let us proceed with the world's largest omelet.
17:12My personal recipe.
17:14Ah!
17:15Oh, dear.
17:19Now the first thing we need today is an 80-foot frying pan.
17:24You can borrow one from a friend if you don't have one on hand.
17:28Now the world's largest spatula to help build arms and legs
17:33while we stir the main ingredient.
17:36Two million eggs!
17:38Aha!
17:43So set your egg cracker to two million.
17:46Now, let's take a look at the big board to see how close we are to the magic number.
17:56Hmm, we're quite short of our goal.
17:59Now come on, you out there.
18:01Give generously.
18:07Well, if we don't get two million eggs,
18:12we can always make a super-duper world's largest chicken pot pie.
18:18Here's one I prepared earlier.
18:20Let's warm it up a bit, shall we?
18:23Here comes number two million now.
18:24Stand by, camera, for the big cookbook.
18:25Here comes number two million now.
18:38Stand by, camera, for the big cookbook.
18:42What is this?
18:43Is this any way to treat an egg?
18:45Just who do you think you are interrupting my show?
18:48What?
18:49You do not even recognize Chef Antoine of the Académie Gastronomique?
18:50I am insulted.
18:51Antoine?
18:52The Antoine?
18:53The Antoine?
18:54Oh dear!
18:55Oh, we all here would be so honored to have you on the show, wouldn't we?
18:58Is that any way to treat an egg?
18:59The Antoine?
19:00Yes, Sir Antoine?
19:01No.
19:02The Antoine?
19:03I am insulted.
19:04The Antoine?
19:06My show!
19:07What?
19:08You do not even recognize Chef Antoine of the Académie Gastronomique?
19:13I am insulted!
19:15Antoine?
19:16The Antoine?
19:17Oh, dear!
19:19Oh, we all here would be so honored to have you on the show!
19:22Wouldn't we?
19:23No, not under these barbaric conditions!
19:37From whom did you learn to make eggs?
19:40Humpty Dumpty?
19:41They're only eggs!
19:44Only?
19:45And what is this?
19:46Roots?
19:47Chicken style?
19:48Unshackle these hens this instant!
19:51What a cross out!
19:52Oh, I'm so sorry!
19:57Now get those eggs back to their rightful chicken, so they can be preheated in the proper manner!
20:04Sacre bleu!
20:06Antoine, while we're waiting, how about a little hors d'oeuvre?
20:13What do you have in mind?
20:16Strawberry?
20:19Kisses!
20:19Kisses!
20:22Oh, you silly boy!
20:29Everyone, Easter Rabbit is certainly a rare forbidden dish!
20:35So, scrap the omelette!
20:37Take a short stretch of railroad track, and a full hand of steam!
20:42Time for a commercial!
20:57Oh, of course!
21:00Want to lose those kitchen blues?
21:02Well, here's a gadget you can't refuse!
21:04The amazing Malik World!
21:06Beater, beater, beater, beater!
21:08Yes!
21:08With the beater, beater, beater, you can cook better, better, better!
21:12It slices, dices, cuts and chops, onions, tomatoes, and even large mops!
21:19It can cut bricks, rugs, and lops of goo!
21:23It can't cut steel girder, but then, uh, who'd want to dance with the beater, beater, beater!
21:30You're a winner, winner, winner!
21:32Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
21:33And Jack saved the eggs, saved the chickens, and saved his kids' Easter in one swell fluke!
21:43Fell soup!
21:44Gosh, I love this bunny!
21:48And now, here's one of the greatest guys in the world!
21:52Jack the Easter Rabbit!
21:55Thanks, Don!
21:57You really choked me up!
21:58Oh, well, retirement is a big word, but simply it means goodbye.
22:05And before I say it, you know...
22:06Thanks, thanks, but we're running just a little late.
22:09Come on, guys, bring it on.
22:10Bring it on stage.
22:11That's it.
22:21Uh, one more thing.
22:23A gift from us kids.
22:25After all, this is your last Easter, Jack, so...
22:29An egg.
22:31How nice.
22:32Not just any egg, Mr. Easter Rabbit.
22:35This is the last Easter egg.
22:41This is it, Mr. Easter Rabbit.
22:43After tonight, there won't be any more Easter eggs.
22:47No, no.
22:48Someone else will.
22:50There won't be any someone else.
22:53You're the Easter bunny.
22:54No one else.
22:57Jack, you can't quit.
23:00The kid's right, Cluck-Cluck.
23:02Don't quit.
23:04Oh, why did Don't quit?
23:06No, no.
23:07He said, don't quit.
23:09Don't quit.
23:10Don't quit.
23:11Don't quit.
23:11Don't quit.
23:12Don't quit.
23:14Don't quit.
23:15Don't quit.
23:15No.
23:16There just can't be a last Easter egg.
23:20Don't quit.
23:21Don't quit.
23:21All right, all right.
23:23I won't.
23:25Are you happy?
23:28On one condition.
23:30That we have a dinner like this every year.
23:33But I don't have to come.
23:38Easter has been very good to me.
23:41So think of which of you it just might be.
23:46I'd like to quit while I'm ahead like all good champions do.
23:51So please don't worry about me, baby.
23:54I'll be in good hands.
23:56I'm packing up my basket to give someone else a chance.
24:01Cause Easter been very good to me.
24:06So think of which of you it just might be.
24:11I'll tell you quite confidentially.
24:15Yes, Easter been very, very good to me.
24:26Yes, Easter been very, very good to me.
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