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00:00We're known as the Smarty Pants Society, intellectuals who gather in the dead of night to swap ideas and share discovery.
00:07This week, you'll hear from Alyssa Lemparis, Max Burkholder, and Ellie Woods.
00:13Welcome to Smarty Pants.
00:15Presenters are responsible for their own research. The makers of this program cannot guarantee anything they say is accurate.
00:20Hello and welcome, members of the Smarty Pants Society. I'm your host, Rekha Shankar.
00:24And today's speakers have prepared presentations on a topic of their choice.
00:28So, let us say our sacred motto.
00:32Fly a show to the left, fly a show to the right.
00:39Very good.
00:41And now, our first presenter.
00:47Houston, we certainly do have a problem.
00:50Today, I'm here to present my thesis, Who Cares About Space?
00:53That's right. I'm going to tell you why I think going to space and learning about space is not only useless, but damaging.
01:01Wow.
01:02And you guys are standing there going, wait a minute. Hold on, Alyssa, who are you?
01:06You are going to feel pretty silly.
01:08Oh.
01:09I was the youngest person in the world to be a part of NASA.
01:14Wow.
01:14So, this is coming from a place of real conviction.
01:18Does anyone in here want to go to space?
01:20Wow.
01:21Very much so.
01:22We are on Earth.
01:23Yeah.
01:24Yeah.
01:25Okay.
01:26We have everything we could possibly want here.
01:30We have roller coasters.
01:32Yeah.
01:33And coffee and bars and air.
01:37What does space have?
01:40Land.
01:41You're going to risk your life to go to land?
01:45Just go to Arizona.
01:47And okay, who here thinks space is cooler than Arizona?
01:50I do.
01:51I do.
01:51You're from Arizona.
01:52I'm from Arizona, so I can't.
01:53So, that's basically unanimous.
01:55So, here we go.
01:56Let's give it a try.
01:57We're about to play, is this space or is it Arizona?
02:01Here we go.
02:02First up, hands up for space.
02:04It's got to be space.
02:05Hands up for Arizona.
02:08That's space.
02:09What?
02:10You would have risked your entire death, life, your family, your friends, and you would have
02:15been going to space.
02:16Okay.
02:16That's space?
02:17How about this?
02:18That's got to be Arizona.
02:19That's Arizona.
02:20That's where Ryan lives.
02:22Is this Ryan?
02:23That's literally my home.
02:25Okay.
02:25Vinny?
02:27Yeah.
02:27Where's Arizona?
02:28All right, unanimous Arizona?
02:29Don't say it.
02:30Okay, it's Arizona.
02:31You can all exhale.
02:33Everybody can take a breath.
02:34But Ryan, basically, you were born in space.
02:38How many of you still want to go to space in here?
02:40Oh, my God.
02:41I have work to do.
02:42Okay, fine.
02:42Some of you guys love Arizona.
02:43You love land.
02:44How about we look to film?
02:45Many of us in film ourselves.
02:47Why don't we look to the source?
02:50People going to space in film, are they having a good time?
02:54Or are they having the worst time of their lives?
02:59Okay, Interstellar.
03:01I have never cried harder in a movie in my life.
03:03This man, in the span of a day, misses his children's lives and death.
03:11No.
03:11Yes.
03:12Is that the plot of Interstellar?
03:12That's the plot.
03:13He has to watch as his family.
03:15And it was all in a day.
03:16Think of how many days you've wasted.
03:17Okay?
03:18The Martian.
03:20Matt Damon gets rocketed up to space, gets lost up there.
03:24He's there alone.
03:25He doesn't even have Ben.
03:27What?
03:28Is that the plot of the movie?
03:31What if Matt Damon went to space without Ben?
03:33How does he like those apples?
03:35Gravity.
03:36I'll tell you what.
03:37This says, don't let go.
03:38And in this picture, looks like she's letting go.
03:42Ugh.
03:42Okay, this looks like a nightmare we've all woken up from.
03:45Where you go, oh, okay, I'm okay.
03:47And lastly, Arrival.
03:49Amy Adams certainly had a better time cooking duck when she was playing Julia Child.
03:53So at the very least, we can say she was happier on Earth.
03:56Why don't we take a peek over at Arizona?
03:58Yep.
03:58Whoa.
03:59Yeah.
04:00Lampoon's Vacation, a jolly romp.
04:02Wayne's World, they literally say,
04:04Party on.
04:05Party on.
04:05Excellent.
04:06Everyone's having a good time if you're saying party on and excellent.
04:09And Little Miss Sunshine starts off a little sad, but by the end, baby, we all want to get in that van.
04:14Wasn't Wayne's World set in Illinois?
04:16It's good to not ask too, too many questions.
04:18It's really good to be engaged and laugh at my jokes to the point of crying, but it's not good to ask questions.
04:26Sorry about that.
04:27I hate to ask how many people still want to go to space.
04:32It's more.
04:33It is more.
04:34It's still more.
04:34Okay.
04:35All right.
04:36We've got to get knowledge in space.
04:37We've got to find stuff out.
04:39We've got to figure out what's up there.
04:40The knowledge will be helpful to us.
04:42Is it?
04:43Is it that helpful?
04:44How much has it changed your life having a knowledge of space?
04:48And is it worth the 2022 NASA budget?
04:51Which was?
04:51Oh!
04:52I don't even know what this number is.
04:54I can't say this number out loud.
04:56It's 24 big ones.
04:58Okay?
04:59Here's what I could do with that money.
05:03I could buy a lot of tiny little shirts.
05:04Yes.
05:05Ladies, you ever bought a tiny little shirt?
05:07You only get to wear it basically once.
05:09Those things do not hold up in the wash.
05:11Take out every night?
05:12Yeah.
05:12That one I am already doing.
05:13Go back to school to become a doctor and cure cancer.
05:15And I'd still have a bunch of money left over.
05:17Okay.
05:18Huge Christmas parties.
05:19Oh!
05:20Huge blowout.
05:21Real snow.
05:22You can ride a reindeer.
05:23Yep.
05:24Wow.
05:24Aesop soap.
05:25Anyone ever use that soap?
05:26Yes.
05:27It will...
05:29You kind of realize we've been living a different life.
05:31Yeah.
05:32Now you go to the bathroom and go,
05:33I gotta go to the freaking bathroom.
05:34Yeah.
05:35You go, oh, what a drag.
05:37There's Aesop soap in there?
05:38That's a vacation.
05:40And lastly, world peace.
05:42Obviously, you gotta throw that on there.
05:44But it could benefit us in the future.
05:46Not for me.
05:47Here we go.
05:48Pull for the room.
05:49When did Alyssa learn about the universe?
05:50We have A, middle school.
05:52B, college.
05:52C, yesterday.
05:53D, 2020.
05:54Well, we went to college together.
05:56So I'm gonna say it's D, 2020.
05:59I'll be honest.
06:00I kind of thought Ellie was gonna be like,
06:01we went to college together.
06:02And I know how smart you were in college.
06:04So surely it had to be before that.
06:06But she said, we went to college together.
06:08She kind of said.
06:08Had to be after that.
06:09Yeah, had to be.
06:09You didn't know.
06:10That's unconscious.
06:11You didn't know shit.
06:12She kind of said the opposite of that.
06:14It was 2020.
06:15Nice.
06:15It was 2020.
06:16Tough year for a lot of reasons.
06:18And here, in case you don't believe me,
06:205-19, 2020.
06:22Learned too much about space last night.
06:23Immediately scheduled a therapy appointment.
06:25Don't worry.
06:265.3k likes.
06:27Yeah, okay.
06:28Ragging.
06:28Okay, sorry.
06:29You gotta promote.
06:3032 bookmarks.
06:31Oh, yep.
06:32Okay.
06:32Further evidence.
06:34Hi, everybody.
06:35This is Luke.
06:36I am Alyssa's boyfriend.
06:38In the summer of 2020,
06:41I was watching a space documentary on YouTube.
06:44And let me just preface this by saying,
06:46Alyssa is a brilliant woman.
06:48She speaks many languages.
06:49And she went to a great school.
06:50Her IQ is off the charts.
06:52All that aside,
06:53Alyssa was not aware that there were other planets
06:57that scientists have discovered
06:58outside of those in our solar system.
07:01Yes.
07:02And things really got hairy
07:04once we got to the part about the universe
07:07being ever-expanding and limitless.
07:10Yes, there were tears.
07:12Yes, yes.
07:13I thought it was sort of,
07:14you know,
07:14when you make the mobile in middle school?
07:16I thought that was the universe.
07:18Bing, bang, boom.
07:19I kind of know where everyone is.
07:21I have a pretty good grasp.
07:22Once I realized about infinity
07:25and there was a large part of me that was like,
07:28well, none of this could possibly ever matter.
07:30That made you feel bad?
07:32This was my happiness
07:33once I found out about space.
07:35Yeah.
07:36If I didn't know that knowledge,
07:37that $24 trillion worth of knowledge,
07:41just imagine how happy I could have been.
07:43I can't help but notice
07:44that the graph sort of dips anyway.
07:46There's a small dip anyway,
07:48so what would you attribute that?
07:492020 was the pandemic.
07:51Oh, yeah.
07:51Maybe you're forgetting.
07:52He's not heartless.
07:53He's not a monster.
07:55I guess Max only got happier during the pandemic.
07:57Max, you loved the pandemic.
08:00Anyway, here's some other things
08:01that now are ruined for me by space.
08:02Drops to Jupiter.
08:04Tell me, did you find my shooting star?
08:08How about this?
08:09Venus to Milo.
08:10What a gorgeous bust.
08:11The space bar?
08:12Oh, no.
08:13Every damn day.
08:15Every word.
08:16Every word.
08:17A little too much space.
08:17Every word.
08:19And of course, that would be the Saturn.
08:21But I seem to be alone.
08:22A lot of people want to go to space.
08:23Ugh.
08:24Everyone wants to go to space.
08:25Pete Davidson.
08:25All these boys.
08:26Yeah, even Pete.
08:27He wants to go to space.
08:28Well, you know how he loves the stars.
08:30Oh, hey!
08:33Come on!
08:34Yeah!
08:35Yeah!
08:35Yeah!
08:36That's what I'm talking about.
08:37Star fucker!
08:38That's what I'm talking about.
08:39I love that plan.
08:40Star fucker!
08:40Star fucker!
08:40Star fucker!
08:41Star fucker!
08:43Star fucker!
08:44It's like, I really think
08:45if every single person in the world
08:47got a hug
08:48and got told, like,
08:49none of this is your fault,
08:51no one would want to go to space.
08:53Someone should tell men
08:54it's not their fault.
08:55And it's, yes, I...
08:57It's not gonna be me.
08:58Okay, so why do people
08:59want to go to space
09:00so badly?
09:02My theory is that
09:03they just want that
09:04sweet picture
09:05of themselves.
09:07I think there's something
09:08primal about
09:08I want to put my mark
09:11on this land
09:12where no one's been.
09:13Who here still wants
09:13to go to space?
09:15Okay.
09:16I have not done my job
09:17to convince you,
09:17but that's fine.
09:18But what I have done
09:19is I've provided you
09:20a way to get what you want.
09:23So, Max, come on up, please.
09:24Okay.
09:25Max, come here.
09:26Oh, my goodness.
09:26Do I get to go to space?
09:28Max, you don't get to go to space.
09:29You get something better.
09:30Here you are.
09:31Wow.
09:31Go ahead.
09:32I'm gonna take a picture for you
09:33so you have it.
09:35So rounded.
09:36Yeah.
09:37Oh, wow.
09:38Wow.
09:38Yes.
09:39Yeah.
09:40It's like you're on space.
09:41Yep.
09:42That's great.
09:42Beautiful.
09:43How do you feel?
09:45Powerful.
09:45Powerful.
09:46Yeah.
09:46Do you still feel
09:47you need to go to space?
09:48Absolutely.
09:49Okay.
09:51It seems to me
09:52that everyone here
09:53still wants to go to space.
09:55Yes.
09:55So the only thing
09:56I will leave you with
09:57is why don't you try the sky?
10:00Put space on hold
10:01and get yourself a ticket
10:02on Delta.
10:03Okay?
10:04You can be up in the air.
10:05You can be a baby.
10:06You sit back.
10:07You can cry.
10:08You can weep.
10:09They'll bring you snacks.
10:10You can sleep.
10:10You can drink.
10:11You watch TV.
10:11You got your tablet right there.
10:12Gotta be Delta.
10:13You can still see aliens.
10:14We've all seen that clip.
10:15There's something back there.
10:16I see something.
10:17There's aliens on flights.
10:18You want to feel the actual sky?
10:20Think of how many doors
10:21have fallen off of planes lately.
10:23You can get, if you want,
10:24sucked into oblivion
10:25and you can feel
10:25what it feels like
10:26to be in space,
10:28in gravity,
10:28what you all want
10:29so desperately.
10:31And that concludes
10:32my presentation.
10:33Thank you for your time.
10:34I will open the floor
10:35to questions.
10:36Alyssa, thank you so much
10:37for that enlightening
10:39presentation.
10:41And now to kick off
10:41the Q&A.
10:43I think I'm the person
10:44who has been the closest
10:45to space here
10:46because I went to space camp
10:48as a child.
10:48Oh my gosh.
10:49And I just wanted
10:50mostly to brag
10:51that I've been to space camp.
10:53Katie, thank you
10:54for sharing that.
10:55You're welcome.
10:58What's so great about Earth?
10:59Things kind of suck a lot.
11:01Maybe space is just better
11:02because things are pretty shitty.
11:04I'll tell you what,
11:04if you can't find happiness
11:05and joy on Mother Earth,
11:07then you ain't gonna find it
11:08in space.
11:09You're just gonna go up there
11:09and you're gonna go,
11:10uh-oh, it's still me.
11:12Yeah.
11:12And I don't know
11:13if that's true.
11:13I haven't been to space.
11:14It almost sounds like
11:15the type of guy
11:16that's like,
11:17I wish I could just
11:18throw away all my possessions
11:18and like go live in the woods.
11:20I think that's exactly right.
11:21You're rocketing yourself
11:22into midair.
11:23You got a family at home.
11:25What are you doing?
11:25I mean, they're fuckboys,
11:26but they're also colonizers.
11:28They want a little bit of that.
11:29That's right.
11:29That's what I think
11:30this is about.
11:31They want a piece of,
11:32what'd you say?
11:33What's the difference?
11:34Amen.
11:34Amen.
11:35And Jeremy, finally,
11:37we're in agreement.
11:38I see you.
11:39We found ourselves
11:40back to each other.
11:41Another question for you, Alyssa.
11:42Please, please, please.
11:42So, if we're not going to space,
11:45I'm not seeing any aliens
11:47in space.
11:48Yeah.
11:48Now, what do you think
11:49about them coming here?
11:50Yeah, yeah.
11:51Do you like that?
11:52Like an arrival.
11:52I think they're here
11:54in this room with us right now.
11:55Don't look at me.
11:57Stop it.
11:57Nobody's looking at you, Katie.
11:58Don't look at me.
12:00Stop it.
12:00Nobody's looking at you, Katie.
12:01Do you like the fact
12:03that they're here?
12:04Yes.
12:05So it's okay for them
12:06to go to space,
12:06but not for us to go to space.
12:07No, because they live there.
12:08They live there.
12:09That's their Arizona.
12:10What do you mean,
12:11they live there?
12:11They live there.
12:13They live there.
12:14Please, please.
12:15In space right now,
12:15there's an alien.
12:16Yes.
12:17An alien giving a presentation
12:18of like,
12:19why are we going to Earth?
12:20Yes.
12:20Let's not going to Earth.
12:21What's the difference
12:22between Arizona,
12:24a thing on Earth,
12:25and space?
12:25Right.
12:26Space, Arizona.
12:26Wait, independent.
12:27Yes, that's, yes,
12:28you're making my point.
12:29Here's the thing.
12:30Why can they come here?
12:31That's cool with you.
12:32Excuse me, excuse me.
12:33We can't go there.
12:33Because they live there.
12:34If someone told me.
12:36Yes.
12:37On space,
12:39there's everything you could want.
12:42There's buffets.
12:43Oh, my God.
12:43And you can go on a water slide,
12:46and you can.
12:46Mountains.
12:47And you can go to the mountains.
12:50Your beloved mountains.
12:51There's mountains in space.
12:52I just,
12:53there's so many,
12:54and there's so much stuff here,
12:55but the idea of space,
12:56they're not,
12:57they're not advertising anything for us.
12:58We,
12:59we can't breathe there.
13:00That is true.
13:01There's nothing for us up there.
13:03We're breathing.
13:03We're breathing there now.
13:06We're in space.
13:07See,
13:07this is getting dangerously close to me
13:10discovering a new crazy thing
13:11about the universe.
13:13That we're all in space?
13:14That we're all in space.
13:15We are in space.
13:16We are in space.
13:17No.
13:18No.
13:19No.
13:20Alyssa.
13:20We're all on the spaceship.
13:22We are in space.
13:23Alyssa,
13:24we're made of Stardust.
13:26Alyssa,
13:27thank you so much.
13:30I've learned a lot here today.
13:31Thank you so much.
13:34Incredible.
13:35Incredible.
13:37Hello, everyone.
13:42I am here today
13:43to talk to you
13:44about something
13:45very serious.
13:46Child labor.
13:47Oh.
13:49Specifically,
13:49how freaking cool it is.
13:52Oh my God.
13:53Look at them.
13:54They're happy.
13:54They're smiling.
13:55They're holding hands.
13:57Can't argue with that.
13:58Now,
14:00you may have some questions.
14:02Namely,
14:02isn't child labor bad?
14:04Right.
14:05Isn't that messed up?
14:07If you answered yes
14:08to either of the previous questions,
14:10then congratulations.
14:11You're a communist.
14:12Oh.
14:14And I don't think
14:14you should be allowed
14:15to live here.
14:15Oh.
14:16Wow.
14:17Okay.
14:17Before I get into
14:18the presentation proper,
14:20I think I should go over
14:21my qualifications
14:22to speak on why
14:23child labor
14:25is such a good thing.
14:26I entered the workforce
14:28at three years old
14:29with a movie called
14:31Daddy Daycare.
14:33What?
14:33There I am.
14:34That was...
14:35Yeah.
14:36Oh my goodness.
14:37Look at me
14:37in those little zebra pants.
14:39Oh my God.
14:40My entire job
14:41on this movie
14:42was to pretend
14:43to fart and shit myself
14:45and make Eddie Murphy's life
14:46a living hell.
14:47That is so cute.
14:48I was also on a show
14:49growing up called
14:50Parenthood.
14:51Oh my goodness.
14:52There I am.
14:53I was playing a child
14:55with Asperger's syndrome.
14:56At a time before
14:59anyone in my familial circle
15:00or in the media
15:02could really advise me
15:03that that was probably
15:03not a good idea.
15:06Yeah.
15:07And then my personal favorite
15:09was a movie called
15:10The Rainbow Tribe.
15:11There I am again.
15:12The plot of this movie
15:13is that this man
15:15is diagnosed
15:15with terminal cancer
15:17and decides to spend
15:18one more summer
15:19at the camp
15:20that he went to
15:21growing up
15:21as a counselor.
15:22And at the end
15:23of the movie
15:24I Cure My Camp Counselor's Cancer
15:26by summoning
15:27the Aurora Borealis.
15:29Oh.
15:30Yes.
15:31If you awed
15:32at any of these photos,
15:34congratulations.
15:36You're pro-child labor.
15:37Yay.
15:38Everybody here
15:39is on the same page.
15:41Here I would like
15:42to go into
15:42some benefits
15:43that I have
15:44personally experienced
15:45from being a child laborer.
15:48Early exposure
15:49to secondhand smoke
15:50has made my lungs
15:51invulnerable.
15:53Getting paid
15:54a smaller amount
15:55for doing the same amount
15:56of work as adults
15:57has instilled in me
15:58a real go-getter attitude.
16:01Inconsistent time
16:01at school
16:02created a healthy distance
16:03between me
16:04and my so-called peers.
16:06Oh.
16:06Yeah.
16:07Participating in a sex scene
16:08as a minor
16:09with a full-grown adult
16:10has made me
16:11an irresistible Lothario.
16:12Oh.
16:13Oh, no.
16:15Now's the part
16:16of this presentation
16:16where I have to get candid
16:17because when I showed
16:19an early draft of this
16:20to my dad
16:21he got sad.
16:23Oh.
16:24So I have to share
16:25a bit of my real thoughts
16:27so my dad can be happy again.
16:28Look at him.
16:30I wouldn't trade
16:30my personal experiences
16:32growing up as a child actor
16:33but I know
16:34countless people who would
16:35and the idea
16:36that the protections
16:37currently in place
16:37for children
16:38are perfect
16:39is laughable.
16:41Studio teachers
16:42to begin
16:43while many of them
16:44are very good
16:45at their jobs
16:45they are employed
16:46by the studio
16:47and want to be
16:48in the entertainment industry
16:49as much as anybody else
16:50who is on set
16:51so they are often
16:52more than willing
16:53to play ball
16:54so to speak
16:55and bend
16:55or break rules
16:56and protections.
16:57Time limits.
16:59A minor
16:59working on set
17:00is allowed to only work
17:02for a certain amount
17:03of time
17:03before they so-called
17:04pumpkin out
17:05referring to
17:06when Cinderella's carriage
17:07turns back
17:08into a pumpkin.
17:09If you're under 18
17:11you can work
17:11a maximum
17:12of 12 hours a day
17:13going down
17:14the younger you get
17:15some infants
17:16only being allowed
17:17to work
17:17for 30 minutes
17:18per day.
17:19I was never
17:20on a show
17:20growing up
17:21whether high budget
17:22or low budget
17:22that did not
17:23at some point
17:24break my pumpkin time
17:26and does anyone know
17:28what a Coogan account is?
17:29Yes.
17:30Yes.
17:30So the Coogan account
17:31named after Jackie Coogan
17:33who played Uncle Fester
17:35for those curious
17:36whose parents stole
17:37basically all of his money
17:39requires that 10%
17:41of a child actor's paycheck
17:42be put into an account
17:44that is not accessible
17:44until they are 18.
17:46I don't know about you
17:47but I feel like 10%
17:48is not even close
17:50to enough.
17:51It needs to be
17:52a much higher percentage
17:53to avoid something
17:54that I have seen
17:55many times
17:56which is parents
17:57putting their children
17:58into the entertainment industry
17:59so that they can make money
18:00for the family.
18:02In some states
18:03children as young
18:04as 14 years old
18:05can work full time jobs
18:06while school is in session.
18:08Agriculture
18:08in particular
18:09is ahead of the curve.
18:11Children as young
18:12as 12 years old
18:13can work on a farm
18:14where their parent
18:15is also employed.
18:16One more time
18:16not their parent's farm.
18:19Oh my God.
18:19A farm where their parent
18:20is also employed.
18:22And in Hawaii
18:23children as young
18:24as 10 years old
18:25can legally harvest
18:26coffee beans
18:26with the caveat
18:27that they are not allowed
18:28to use heavy
18:29or dangerous machinery.
18:31And enough
18:31with the bummer stuff
18:32let's talk about
18:32pros and pros.
18:35Yeah.
18:36I love this.
18:37Look at them
18:37they're all doing
18:38such a good job.
18:39He's got little glasses.
18:41Some benefits
18:42to society at large.
18:44Rising daycare costs
18:45are an epidemic
18:46in the United States.
18:47I know there are
18:48some parents in the audience.
18:49Not anymore.
18:51Those babies are going
18:52to be pulling
18:52their own weight.
18:53They are going
18:54to be making
18:54their own money.
18:56Increased parental productivity
18:57without all those
18:58little snot
18:58and those rugrats
18:59running around
18:59all the time.
19:00Think about how much
19:01more work
19:02you specifically
19:03could get done.
19:05Conversation skills.
19:06It's going to be
19:06way easier
19:07in the future
19:08for people to start
19:09conversations
19:09with strangers
19:10as you already know
19:12what line of work
19:13they were in
19:13by seeing their
19:15visible scars
19:16and injuries.
19:16Oh my God.
19:18Last one.
19:20I just in particular
19:21think it would be
19:22really funny
19:22to see a bunch of kids
19:24in like business attire
19:25running around
19:26a convention center
19:26at some kind
19:27of work conference
19:28like handing each other
19:29little business cards
19:30and playing freeze tag.
19:31Yeah.
19:31But before I go
19:32I do want to say
19:33a big shout out
19:35big thank you
19:35to my graphic designer
19:37Sophia.
19:41Look at her.
19:42You've got it dude.
19:44She helped me out
19:45with this a lot.
19:46She's being paid
19:46an exposure.
19:47Whoa.
19:49Oh my God.
19:51Max thank you
19:52for that enlightening
19:53presentation.
19:54Of course yeah.
19:55If I'm pregnant
19:56can my baby
19:57be my doctor?
19:59They're already in there.
20:00Your baby can be
20:01your doctor.
20:02Sweek some stuff up.
20:03Your baby can be
20:03your nutritionist.
20:04Your baby can be
20:05a firefighter.
20:06Your baby could be
20:07a live twitch streamer.
20:08In utero.
20:09In utero.
20:10You get a camera in there?
20:11Think about the brandy.
20:11We already have
20:12the technology
20:13to get a camera up there.
20:14You gotta do it Raycom.
20:15Come on.
20:17What is the mechanism
20:18by which an aurora borealis
20:19cures cancer?
20:20Oh good question.
20:21Yeah.
20:22Okay I really don't
20:22want to talk to somebody
20:23who doesn't have magic
20:24in their heart like that.
20:25Yeah.
20:26Yeah trap.
20:26Hey trap.
20:27I'm sorry I'm a fucking idiot.
20:29I don't know what to say.
20:29When you were a kid
20:30did you want to be an actor
20:32when you grew up or?
20:33When I was three years old
20:35on the set of Daddy Daycare
20:37I had little to no idea
20:39what was going on.
20:40I had no idea
20:41where I was
20:41where I was going each day.
20:43All I knew was
20:43that I was going
20:44to play around
20:45with a bunch of other kids
20:46and say stuff sometimes
20:47when people told me to.
20:49Later at the premiere
20:51when I finally saw my
20:52this was years later
20:53when I finally saw
20:54my face on the screen
20:55I remember a moment
20:56I was five or six years old
20:57going
20:58oh
20:59that's what that was.
21:01Holy shit.
21:03Yeah.
21:03Oh that's what we were doing
21:05that whole time.
21:05Holy shit.
21:06That's wild.
21:06How will we stop babies
21:08from wanting to just
21:09close that gap
21:10and retire at like 25?
21:13Well here's the thing
21:14is that they will
21:14but they'll already
21:15have babies to replace them.
21:17I'm just moving
21:18the social calendar
21:19way earlier.
21:20Awesome.
21:21Thank you for doing that.
21:23Does this mean that maybe
21:24adults can take baby jobs?
21:26Like would it be
21:27appropriate now
21:28that adult actors
21:28will start playing children?
21:30So adult actors
21:31are going to play children
21:32in you know
21:34Barney
21:34what have you
21:35they'll be gathering around
21:37whatever you know
21:37stuffed or animatronic
21:38thing there is
21:39and babies will be
21:40taking adult parts.
21:42Okay.
21:42So at that age
21:43at three years old
21:44in the ideal world
21:45that I'm picturing
21:46I would be auditioning
21:48for the roles
21:48that Daniel Day-Lewis
21:49is playing now.
21:50Wow.
21:51Huge congratulations.
21:53Would you be open to
21:54perhaps by some means
21:55perhaps bovine growth hormone
21:57making the children
21:59much stronger
22:00and maybe creating
22:01double muscle children
22:02that could complete
22:03physical tasks
22:04at a higher pace
22:05maybe punch down walls?
22:07I think so.
22:07It's an easy thing to say
22:08but minors
22:09should be minors.
22:10Nice.
22:11That's sort of
22:12my little tack.
22:13Get that on a shirt king.
22:14Get that on a shirt print.
22:15Available now
22:16on the dropout store.
22:16Yeah.
22:17We have tons of
22:18child labor merch
22:19at the dropout store.
22:20Made two
22:20four kids
22:21by kids.
22:22Oh God.
22:23Well Max
22:24thank you so much.
22:28Beautiful.
22:28Beautiful.
22:28Hello.
22:34I was pondering
22:36some of life's
22:37great questions
22:38as I often do
22:39late at night
22:40while sober
22:41and I started
22:43to wonder
22:43to myself
22:44which
22:46is the sexiest
22:48letter?
22:49Oh.
22:50Oh.
22:51I would like
22:52to present to you
22:53the alphabet's
22:55choice.
22:56Oh.
22:56The sexual spectrum
22:58from A
22:59to Z.
23:00Hmm.
23:00Hmm.
23:01Because in the words
23:02of Cole Porter
23:03birds do it
23:05bees do it
23:08but so do
23:08C's and D's.
23:10Ha.
23:10Ha.
23:10Now I know
23:11what you're thinking
23:12the alphabet
23:13is not sexual
23:14you can't have
23:15sex with letters.
23:16This is just
23:17a photo of a woman
23:18pulling a library
23:19book off a shelf.
23:20This is just
23:21a stop sign.
23:23This is just
23:24a picture of me
23:25sexting my boyfriend.
23:27Sex.
23:28But letters
23:28do have sex.
23:30They're just
23:31having sex
23:31with each other.
23:33Letters
23:33fuck.
23:36And when they do
23:37words are created.
23:40Wow.
23:42That's right.
23:43Are those boobs
23:43on the K?
23:44Is that what that is?
23:45Of course.
23:45You know that they are.
23:46Yeah.
23:46What is that?
23:47Color of the C
23:48it's like a
23:49what is
23:49that's not human.
23:50We're talking about
23:51the whole spectrum
23:52of sexuality
23:53today so
23:54please don't be shy
23:55if anybody needs
23:55to leave the room
23:56you can.
23:57Alright you can
23:58turn it off at home
23:58if this is too nasty
23:59for you.
24:00I'd like to take us
24:01back a little bit.
24:02What kink freak
24:03invented the alphabet?
24:05Picture this.
24:06You're a sexy
24:07little gatherer
24:08okay?
24:09And you have a crush
24:10on a big hunter
24:13and you want to
24:14meet big hunter
24:15behind rocks
24:15somewhere.
24:16the only way
24:18that you can
24:19communicate this
24:19to them
24:20is orally
24:21and sure
24:22oral can be fun
24:24but it lacks
24:26intrigue.
24:27Many scholars
24:27agree
24:28that the
24:29ancient Egyptians
24:30hieroglyphs
24:31are what our
24:32alphabet stem from.
24:34The hieroglyphs
24:34were created
24:35by the ancient Egyptians
24:36specifically a subset
24:38of their population
24:39that had a lot
24:40of free time
24:41on their hands.
24:42Okay.
24:42And you know
24:43what else
24:44you do
24:44with a lot
24:44of free time
24:45on your hands?
24:46Uh oh.
24:47Yeah.
24:48Alyssa has it
24:49right there.
24:50Right there.
24:50Yeah.
24:51Exactly.
24:52So eventually
24:52the ancient Greeks
24:54her people
24:56that's right.
24:57It's
24:57another notoriously
24:59horny society
25:00devised the first
25:01alphabetical system
25:03with vowels
25:03and consonants.
25:05Pretty soon
25:05after that
25:06the Latin
25:07or Roman
25:07alphabet
25:08is born.
25:09There is
25:09some disagreement
25:10that some people
25:11believe that
25:12Sumerian cuneiform
25:13came first
25:13and that our
25:14alphabet came from
25:15Sumerian cuneiform
25:15but clearly
25:16look at this.
25:17This is for bookkeeping.
25:18These letters
25:19aren't sexy at all.
25:20Okay.
25:20So now back
25:21to Cole Porter's B.
25:23When I was developing
25:24this rubric
25:25for the sexual spectrum
25:26I knew that I was
25:27going to have to
25:28move past
25:28assumption
25:29alliteration
25:31anthropomorphism
25:32or even
25:33aesthetics
25:34because yes
25:35the letter B
25:36is a great
25:37pair of boobs.
25:39Oh.
25:40But
25:40it's also
25:42a great
25:42ass.
25:43That's right.
25:45And to just
25:45focus on those
25:46four qualifiers
25:47would be reducing
25:48letters to the
25:48human gaze.
25:49I also knew
25:50that I was
25:51going to have
25:51to move away
25:52from any
25:52of my
25:53preference
25:53for certain
25:54letters.
25:55Oh my god.
25:57Oh my god.
25:58What is going on
25:59with the S?
25:59I was going to have
25:59to really dive
26:00into the
26:01scientific nature
26:02of the alphabet
26:03and talk about
26:05how letters
26:05interacted with
26:06each other.
26:07This is a
26:08graph here
26:08of relative
26:09letter frequency
26:09so how often
26:10letters are being
26:11used.
26:13I would have
26:14to look at
26:14how letters
26:15like to be
26:15paired with
26:16each other.
26:17Here we have
26:17the frequent
26:18collaborations
26:19of the alphabet.
26:20I would examine
26:21the sex appeal
26:22of lowercase
26:23versus uppercase
26:24letters
26:24as well as
26:26investigate
26:27the humpability
26:28of the cursive
26:29body.
26:30I would literally
26:31stare at those
26:31graphs for hours.
26:33I also would have
26:33to examine
26:34diacritics and
26:35diphthongs,
26:36okay?
26:37Use what I know
26:38from Shakespeare,
26:40from musical theater,
26:41which is that
26:42vowels are for
26:44emotion and
26:45consonants are
26:46for passing
26:47information.
26:48What?
26:49And additionally,
26:50I would have to
26:50look at the way
26:51words feel in
26:52our mouths.
26:53You know,
26:54plosives,
26:55fricatives.
26:55I looked at
26:56a lot of
26:57uvulas.
26:58And then,
26:59additionally,
27:00I would have to
27:00look at the way
27:01words feel
27:02in our hands.
27:04That's right.
27:04That was my name,
27:05Ellie.
27:06E-L-E.
27:06Aw.
27:07After doing
27:08all of this
27:09research,
27:10a pattern began
27:11to emerge.
27:12Some letters
27:13were sexually
27:13active.
27:14Other letters
27:15were shy.
27:18Some letters
27:18were generous.
27:20Other letters
27:20were selfish.
27:22Wow.
27:22In order to find
27:23the most sexually
27:24appealing letter,
27:26we're going to
27:26have to go around
27:27this.
27:27So let's start
27:28with the selfish
27:29and sexually active
27:31of the alphabet,
27:32aka the fuck
27:33letters of the
27:34alphabet.
27:35Wow.
27:35Now,
27:35you're looking at
27:36this,
27:36you're thinking,
27:37I know these
27:37letters,
27:37I see them
27:38all the time.
27:39R is one of
27:39the most frequent
27:40consonants in
27:41the English language,
27:43but if you look at
27:44it in ASL,
27:45it's an extremely
27:46closed-off letter.
27:48Yep.
27:48You feel that?
27:50Tight.
27:50Y is pan.
27:52It will pair
27:52with any letter,
27:54but it is
27:55extremely unwilling
27:56to initiate.
27:58This is the beginning
27:59of my name.
28:00Oh, well.
28:00Oh, my gosh.
28:02Maybe we're
28:02learning about
28:03ourselves today
28:04as well.
28:04Wow.
28:05Interesting.
28:06Now, R is common,
28:08but they are not
28:09givers.
28:09Unlike its sister
28:11in consonants,
28:13the S,
28:14because S is,
28:15say it with me,
28:16a slut.
28:18That's right.
28:19That's right.
28:19You all got it right.
28:20These are the
28:21sluts of the alphabet.
28:22The vowels,
28:23the most frequently
28:24used consonants,
28:25they get around.
28:26You'll see some
28:27familiar faces up here.
28:28E,
28:29the most commonly
28:31used letter
28:32in general
28:33of the English language.
28:35E's got a great body,
28:37really sexy body,
28:38three prongs
28:39sticking out,
28:41three penises,
28:43three clitorises.
28:45Exactly.
28:46Clitori.
28:47You might be surprised
28:48to see some of the
28:49other letters
28:49on this slide.
28:50H, for example.
28:52What's H doing up here?
28:54But H
28:54is the most
28:55common second letter
28:57in word pairings.
28:59Yeah.
28:59Interesting.
29:00Think of a hard
29:01consonant,
29:02throw an H on the end,
29:03it'll soften that
29:04right up,
29:05right?
29:06And in that sense,
29:07it's a dom.
29:08It's also a bossy bottom.
29:10Do you have an example
29:10of that?
29:11I would love to...
29:11Well, ticket.
29:13Okay.
29:13Thicket.
29:14Ooh.
29:15Okay.
29:16The H is like,
29:17the H is like,
29:18I can change him.
29:19Yeah.
29:20And the H can,
29:21the H can back it up.
29:23Wow.
29:23Now we're moving on
29:25to the
29:26still waters run
29:27deep sort of letters
29:28in the alphabet.
29:30If you get a chance
29:31with one of these letters,
29:32you take it.
29:32All right?
29:33C.
29:34C can do it all.
29:36J,
29:36S,
29:37K,
29:37F,
29:38T.
29:38You know?
29:39A lot of different noises
29:40being made with C.
29:41C is proud.
29:42It's a proud letter.
29:44F.
29:44It's a bit like E,
29:45a little bit less intense.
29:47D.
29:48Just feels good in my mouth,
29:50right?
29:50D.
29:51D.
29:52That's nice.
29:54M.
29:55That's a gorgeous letter,
29:56huh?
29:56M.
29:58M.
29:59Feel that.
30:00M.
30:00M.
30:01M.
30:02M.
30:02M.
30:02M.
30:03M.
30:03M.
30:03M.
30:03M.
30:03M.
30:04M.
30:04M.
30:04M.
30:04M.
30:05M.
30:06You guys like that,
30:07right?
30:07Yes.
30:08M.
30:08M.
30:08Exactly.
30:10Now moving on
30:11to the letters
30:12you sort of want to avoid.
30:13These are letters
30:14on their way
30:15to a better personality
30:17I like to think of.
30:18They're a little complicated.
30:19Q, for example,
30:21aesthetically gorgeous,
30:22right?
30:23Beautiful letter,
30:23unique.
30:24However,
30:26it's weird
30:26and it's manipulative.
30:28Yeah.
30:29Yeah.
30:30I can only pair with you?
30:31Yeah.
30:32What the fuck is that?
30:33Yeah, yeah.
30:34That's a red flag.
30:35Okay?
30:36Yeah.
30:36Yeah.
30:36W,
30:37who,
30:38what,
30:38where,
30:39why,
30:40when,
30:41only W knows.
30:42Plus it has a chip
30:43on its shoulder
30:43about M.
30:45Right.
30:45So when I was
30:46examining the alphabet
30:47and looking for
30:48the sexiest letter,
30:50I decided to focus on
30:51the perceived tens
30:54of the alphabet.
30:56So just going around,
30:57we have E here.
30:59Now,
30:59as I said,
31:00it's the most commonly
31:00used letter.
31:01everyone has an experience
31:03with E,
31:04but that's not always
31:05a good thing.
31:06Just talk to I.
31:08If you have to have
31:09a rhyme to explain
31:11which letter comes first,
31:14red flag.
31:15Yeah.
31:15They should be coming together.
31:17E comes first.
31:18What if I wants to come first?
31:20I comes first.
31:22Exactly.
31:23What about O?
31:24No.
31:25What about U?
31:27P-U.
31:28What about A?
31:30A.
31:31It kind of looks
31:32like a vagina,
31:33huh?
31:33It's cool.
31:34It's cool.
31:35But is this
31:36a sexy sound?
31:38Ah.
31:40Sounds like the nanny.
31:41Ah.
31:42She's sexy.
31:43She's hot as hell.
31:44She's hot,
31:45but nanny,
31:46N's doing a lot
31:47of work in that.
31:48N's doing a lot
31:49of work in there.
31:50Okay.
31:50Now,
31:51it's not going to be H.
31:52We all know it,
31:53even though we love her.
31:54So,
31:54I think it's pretty obvious
31:55that the sexiest letter
31:58is T.
32:01It's got great mouthfeel.
32:03You know,
32:04it looks great.
32:06It's a plosive.
32:08And when you say it a lot,
32:10your mouth gets a little wet,
32:11which is always a good sign.
32:12Also,
32:13it looks like
32:14a three-sided dildo.
32:15That's awesome.
32:16Yeah.
32:16Pretty cool.
32:18Can't argue with that.
32:19Awesome.
32:19Nice.
32:20Pretty cool.
32:20Sick.
32:21Okay,
32:21so I would like to use
32:22what we've just learned
32:23and I would like to put it
32:24into practice.
32:25We're going to go around
32:26practicing saying sexy words.
32:29So,
32:29some of you
32:30have little slips of paper
32:31under your seats.
32:32So,
32:32please,
32:32will you all grab
32:33your slips of paper?
32:34Yeah.
32:35Okay.
32:37Atlas.
32:38Oh.
32:39And now,
32:39let me hear that liquid T.
32:41Atlas.
32:42Atlas.
32:44Ooh.
32:44At last.
32:46At last.
32:47At last.
32:47At last.
32:48Right.
32:48Tavern,
32:49we folks?
32:49Okay.
32:51Rekha,
32:51please.
32:52Debit.
32:53Ooh.
32:54Debit.
32:55Debit.
32:55Debit.
32:56Debit.
32:57Could that be hotter?
32:58Debit.
32:59That's right.
33:01Bathtubs.
33:01Wow.
33:02Oh.
33:03Wow.
33:03I just came.
33:04Max?
33:05This.
33:06Oh.
33:07Something so simple.
33:08Something innocuous.
33:09Innocuous.
33:10Something so innocuous
33:12that we didn't think
33:14very much about before.
33:17This.
33:17This.
33:20Alyssa?
33:22Boots.
33:23Oh.
33:24Boots!
33:26Boots!
33:28Ooh.
33:29Boots.
33:30Boots.
33:31Boots.
33:31Boots.
33:32Boots.
33:33Katie?
33:33Tetanus.
33:35Is that tetanus
33:36or is that tetanus?
33:37Tetanus.
33:38Okay.
33:39Onslaught.
33:40Oh, shit.
33:42Nice.
33:43Let me hear that T.
33:44Onslaught.
33:45Oh, I got that
33:46on my forehead.
33:48I got a little onslaught
33:49right on my forehead.
33:50Yearn.
33:52Where's the sexy letter in that?
33:54There's none.
33:55I was missing it.
33:56We could add a T to it.
33:57Trap, your word sucked.
33:58Yearned.
33:59Yearned.
33:59Ah!
34:00Now it's hot.
34:01And I yearnt
34:03for that word.
34:04Yearned.
34:05Yearned.
34:06Well, I think we've all
34:07learned a lot today,
34:08but I would like to end
34:10by compelling everyone
34:13to download
34:14the free library app Libby,
34:16which is the porn hub
34:18of scholars.
34:19Wow.
34:19Wow.
34:21These are incredible.
34:21Thank you so much.
34:23Woo!
34:24Oh, my God.
34:27Ellie,
34:28thank you so much
34:30for that enlightening presentation.
34:31Of course.
34:32Just right off the bat,
34:33I'm curious,
34:34what do you think
34:35would be the sexiest name?
34:37Interesting.
34:37In this room, even.
34:39Yeah.
34:39Oh, well.
34:41Well, we know Ryan's out.
34:42Are you kidding?
34:43Your names were
34:44on the fuck boy list.
34:46Your R1.
34:46Half of your name
34:47was on the shit list,
34:48and the other half
34:49was on the hot list,
34:50but low.
34:51And you came
34:52on our friend's feet
34:53before it.
34:54Listen.
34:55Onslaught it.
34:55It's in the data.
34:57Let me just say
34:58all of my letters
34:59were in the sexually active
35:00section.
35:01Same.
35:01Wow.
35:02That is really powerful.
35:03My main letter
35:04was benched
35:05from the get-go.
35:07Dang.
35:07Sometimes you have
35:08to throw the science
35:09out the window.
35:10Sometimes you just
35:11have to go with
35:12what you feel,
35:13and I'm really
35:14gravitating towards
35:15Vincent.
35:16Yeah.
35:16Yeah.
35:17I guess I just
35:18don't understand
35:19why you picked
35:19T over S.
35:20I think that was crazy.
35:21I think it was insane.
35:22I think it's gross.
35:23I kind of gagged
35:24a little bit
35:24when T won over S
35:25just because I think
35:26S is inherently
35:27kind of a serve.
35:29It is kind of
35:29that girl.
35:30I hear that,
35:31and I anticipated...
35:32S works at the beginning,
35:33of course the front,
35:33S works at the end.
35:34It's a top
35:36and a bottom.
35:37It's willing
35:38to initiate.
35:39I also feel like
35:40S is like feminine,
35:41sexy.
35:42T is like masculine,
35:43sexy.
35:44Yeah.
35:44And then maybe
35:45O is very non-binary,
35:46sexy.
35:47It's a good compromise.
35:47It depends on how
35:48you write your T,
35:49because I think a T
35:49with a little oopsie
35:50at the end
35:51is actually kind of
35:52sexy, a little feminine.
35:53I agree.
35:54And actually,
35:54that brings me
35:55to exactly my reasoning.
35:57The cursive S
35:58is just a little messy.
35:59Yeah.
35:59Did you take into account
36:03that T's, S's,
36:05there's certain letters
36:06that are more commonly
36:08associated with
36:09speech impediments,
36:10and for me,
36:11maybe it's less
36:12of a sexy letter
36:13if it's difficult
36:14for me to say.
36:15You may not know this
36:16by looking at me,
36:17but I also went
36:19to speech therapy.
36:21I wasn't for S and T's,
36:22it was for R's and W's.
36:24R's were hard
36:25for me as well.
36:26Also very cute.
36:27Around the world.
36:29Yes.
36:30Wobbonhood.
36:31Girl.
36:31But sometimes
36:32the things we work past
36:34turn out to be
36:35our most beloved companions.
36:37That's beautiful.
36:38So sometimes
36:39the challenge
36:40that you're afraid of
36:41is what ultimately
36:42makes you cum.
36:44Ah, yes.
36:45Cute.
36:46Does this mean
36:46that you could perhaps
36:47make the sexiest sentence
36:49by recombining
36:49the sexiest letters?
36:51Elaine is shit.
36:54Don't tell Sam much.
36:56Or nail the South.
36:58Oh my God.
37:01Oh wow.
37:02Nail the South.
37:03Angle shit.
37:04Snail house.
37:05I would say
37:06that's not a sentence.
37:07In a shit.
37:09Ooh.
37:10Ooh.
37:10In a shit.
37:11Snail house.
37:12You know what?
37:13I would agree with Katie.
37:14Oh, I feel it.
37:16Stain this.
37:16You don't think
37:17snail house is a sentence?
37:18I don't think.
37:19Stain this.
37:19Slut stain.
37:20Hot anal stains.
37:23Hot anal stains.
37:24Anal stains.
37:25Hot anal stains.
37:26Loins.
37:27Stole hot sluts.
37:28This has to be
37:29worthy of a grant.
37:30A hundred percent.
37:31This is a topic of study
37:32that's still growing.
37:34You know,
37:34I'm not afraid to say that.
37:36We're going to learn
37:36a lot more about this
37:37in the next 600 years.
37:39Oh, thank God.
37:40Don't worry.
37:41We have a lot
37:41to look forward to.
37:43Ellie, thank you so much.
37:45Thank you so much.
37:46Well, everyone,
37:55we learned a lot tonight.
37:57And with that,
37:58our secret meeting
37:59has come to an end.
38:00So let us retreat
38:01back into the shadows
38:02just a little more enlightened
38:04than we were before.
38:05A little bit.
38:05Thank you,
38:06and good night.
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