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00:00We're known as the Smarty Pants Society.
00:02Intellectuals who gather in the dead of night to swap ideas and share discoveries.
00:07This week, you'll hear from Siobhan Thompson, Joan Ford, and Hector Navarro.
00:13Welcome to Smarty Pants.
00:14Presenters are responsible for their own research.
00:16The makers of this program cannot guarantee anything that stays accurate.
00:19Hello, and welcome, members of the Smarty Pants Society.
00:23I am your host, Rekha Shankar.
00:25And today's speakers are going to present on a topic of their choice.
00:29But before we begin, let us say our sacred motto.
00:33Smarty Pants, I hardly know her.
00:36Very good.
00:38Now, I would actually like to bring up our first speaker.
00:45Thank you, esteemed members of the Smarty Pants Society.
00:49As you may or may not have noticed, we have been cursed to live in interesting times.
00:53And I'm afraid for me, but I'm also scared for the kids.
00:59Hey, Siobhan, why do you care about kids?
01:01You don't have any kids.
01:02Well, here's a little secret that maybe you don't know about me.
01:06I used to be a kid.
01:08Yeah, that's true.
01:10So, without ado, I believe that every student should have to smoke one cigarette before graduating high school.
01:16Yeah.
01:18Wow, Siobhan, I didn't know that you love smoking.
01:20Well, I actually don't.
01:21I am pretty averse to cigarettes.
01:22There's a lot of reasons to hate smoking and hate cigarettes.
01:25Everybody can have their own.
01:26Here are mine.
01:27I think they're gross.
01:28They stink.
01:29They stink.
01:30And not to be a bitch, they killed my grandma.
01:32Wow.
01:33Yeah.
01:33Same.
01:33Yeah.
01:34Same.
01:34Yeah.
01:34Yeah.
01:35Same.
01:35Exactly.
01:36But there's no denying how cool cigarettes look.
01:38I mean, look at this guy right here.
01:40That's internet Hank Green smoking a cigarette on stage.
01:44And that's a very real cigarette as well.
01:46Here we go, like, Charlie.
01:48We got Rachel from Friends up here.
01:50All of these people.
01:51Britney looking awesome.
01:53Here's the thing.
01:54There is nothing in the world that can make something less cool like school can.
01:59Whoa.
02:00Never thought I'd rather like that.
02:02Yeah.
02:02Here we go.
02:03Reading.
02:04Writing.
02:05Maths.
02:05Science.
02:06Free public transit.
02:08Plays.
02:10Poetry.
02:10Art.
02:11History and art history.
02:13Geography.
02:14Singing.
02:15Dancing.
02:15Team sports.
02:17Individual sports.
02:19Eating in a cafeteria.
02:20And, of course, wearing clothes.
02:23Yeah.
02:23There is nothing here that you would think was cooler if you hadn't had to do it in school.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Making kids smoke one cigarette in order to graduate high school will, I guarantee it,
02:35take a huge chunk of the cool factor of cigarettes away.
02:37Wow.
02:37Yeah.
02:38But don't take my word for it.
02:39I personally surveyed four kids at my local bus stop.
02:43And three out of four of them said that doing this would make cigarettes less cool.
02:48All right.
02:48That's a quorum, ladies and gentlemen, and others.
02:51But that's not all, folks.
02:52You wouldn't believe this, Reka.
02:54What?
02:54Kids are actually 69% more anxious today than they were 10 years ago.
03:00No.
03:00Can you believe that?
03:01And the funny number, too.
03:02And it's a funny number.
03:04But is it a funny subject, Hank?
03:05I don't think it is.
03:07Here's all the reasons that kids are anxious.
03:09Social media.
03:09Having to live through a global pandemic.
03:12The ever-present threat that one of their friends might kill them in school.
03:15And I think the worst one, helicopter parents, right?
03:20So having to smoke one cigarette in school under the auspices of a gym teacher or a guidance
03:27counselor, right?
03:28A health teacher.
03:29Ultimately, even though smoking one cigarette is not good for you, it's also fine.
03:35Knowing that they can do that, won't that make them know that they can do anything?
03:40I believe so.
03:41Wow.
03:42In a time where travel is so expensive and parents are busy, smoking a cigarette in school
03:49will give the kids the vibe of going to school in Europe.
03:52Yeah.
03:53Every single child in Europe starts smoking in middle school.
03:57I know I was there.
03:59And what's more, it's a key part of the Mediterranean diet, right?
04:02We go tomatoes, olive oil, fish, and cigarettes.
04:07And to that, I say...
04:10No.
04:11Monja!
04:13What the fuck?
04:15Oh my god, a broken cigarette and a tomato.
04:17Tomatoes and tobacco?
04:19Those aren't Mediterranean at all.
04:20They're American?
04:22Oh.
04:23U-S-A.
04:25Oh.
04:25U-S-A.
04:27Oh god.
04:27U-S-A.
04:29Incredible.
04:30Smoking one cigarette at school is also a great way to give the fuck-up kids an easy A.
04:34Yeah.
04:35Right?
04:35And at a time when all of the fuck-up subjects, such as shop class, art, and I will even say
04:40theater, are getting cut, those kids really need a win.
04:45They do.
04:45Yes, to be clear, I think that smoking one cigarette should be both mandatory and graded.
04:50Wow.
04:51Yeah.
04:51Yeah.
04:52Now look, does that mean that maybe the kids who want to get a good grade might smoke more
04:56than one cigarette?
04:58It's got nothing to do with me.
04:59That's not my freaking problem.
05:01I'm just saying they gotta smoke one, okay?
05:05But hey, even that has its upsides because maybe the fuck-up kids will tutor the good
05:10kids.
05:11And I've watched enough teen rom-coms to know that that is how love blossoms.
05:15Wow.
05:16And that's beautiful.
05:17How would smoking one cigarette be graded in school?
05:20Well, ultimately, obviously, I do think it should be left up to the states.
05:24I'm not a federalist, but here are some pictures for me.
05:28Speed, depth of breath, ash length, hand positioning, just general, like, charm and elan.
05:34And then obviously they would get deductions for every cough.
05:36They might also, yes.
05:38Which, what's good about, is it faster, better, or slower?
05:43Is ash length better, longer, or shorter?
05:45Ask the people of Mississippi.
05:47It's not my business.
05:49It's up to the states.
05:49It's up to the states.
05:50Up to the states.
05:51Will there be allowances for, say, kids with asthma?
05:55Right?
05:55Great question.
05:56Yeah.
05:57No, thanks for asking.
05:58Wow.
05:58Yeah.
05:59Now, once again, oh my god, this guy looks so cool, right?
06:03There's just really nothing we can do about that.
06:05Look at this.
06:06Aye, aye, aye.
06:06That's a cool man.
06:08Siobhan, I thought that was a stupid idea, but I'm starting to get convinced here.
06:13She's just saying out loud what we've all been thinking.
06:15Seems like a great American idea.
06:17Well, if one single teeny tiny iota of this stupid presentation has in any way convinced
06:24you, congratulations.
06:26You are susceptible to propaganda.
06:29Yeah, I freaking got you.
06:32I freaking got you.
06:33Absolutely.
06:34Smoking sucks.
06:35It killed my grandma, but more importantly, it fucking stinks.
06:39It smells so bad, and I know that there are other things that are worse about cigarettes,
06:42but really, that is the number one thing about it that I care about.
06:45Wow.
06:46The internet that we are on right now has democratized ideas in a beautiful way, but
06:51it has also left us open to grifters and liars who are able to say whatever they want
06:56whenever they want.
06:57Oh, yeah.
06:58So, when you are listening to somebody on the internet and they are saying something that
07:02at first you think is stupid and then slowly convinces you, stop.
07:06Think about this presentation and go, was that person making a good point, or are they just
07:16cool and hot and charismatic and have a great ass?
07:19Yeah.
07:20Thank you so much.
07:25Wow.
07:26Siobhan, thank you so much for that enlightening presentation.
07:30I want to know, is there like an internet type of theory or a TikTok type that you're like
07:36thinking of when you think of these like crazy things and trends that catch on?
07:40When somebody is speaking very authoritatively, and then they mispronounce something incredibly
07:45egregiously about the thing that they are pretending to be an expert about, that drives me up the
07:52freaking walls.
07:53Yeah.
07:54It makes me mad.
07:56Absolutely.
07:57Because you're just saying it cool.
07:59Yes, I'd like to ignore the last part of your presentation.
08:01You do look really cool with that cigarette.
08:03That's what I wanted to ask.
08:04Do I look cool with this cigarette?
08:06Even with an unlit, broken cigarette, unfortunately...
08:09That's like a Daffy Duck style cigarette.
08:11Yeah, unfortunately, yes.
08:13I thought it might be interesting for your case if you were to throw a cherry tomato and
08:18I could try and catch it in my mouth.
08:19Yeah.
08:19You ready?
08:20It's been touching a lot of cigarettes.
08:21Okay.
08:24Nice.
08:25Nice.
08:25I can't believe you guys got that.
08:27He's an educator and he's an athlete.
08:29You mentioned at the end that you have a tight ass.
08:32How do you get it so tight?
08:34Mostly, I have to thank my mother.
08:37All right.
08:37Bless up.
08:38That's all I really need to do.
08:39She's not dead.
08:40She's just in the north.
08:41She's just in Canada.
08:42Everyone with a tight ass should be thanked.
08:45Thank you, mother.
08:46But yeah, I do work on it.
08:47I go to the gym.
08:48That's awesome.
08:49Siobhan, thank you for this incredible presentation.
08:53I would like to begin with a statement I think we can all acknowledge is true.
09:05Cinema is dead.
09:07Despite what Nicole Kidman might have, you believe.
09:11No one is going to the movies for magic anymore.
09:14No, these days people are going everywhere but the movies for their magic.
09:18They're turning to their TikToks, their Playstations, their skibbity toilets, whilst even the once invulnerable superhero movie is way down.
09:28It's time to admit Hollywood is at a crisis point.
09:32Cinema needs a savior.
09:34A new genre to pick up the blockbuster crown and rekindle the public's excitement for the theatrical experience.
09:40But thus far, they've tried everything and nothing's working.
09:45Toy movies, for every one Barbie, you get three Battleships.
09:50Video game movies, did anyone on Earth see Borderlands?
09:53No, and I watch anything.
09:55Yes, exactly.
09:56You get paid to watch most of this stuff.
09:58Old ladies doing young thing movies, which I think we can agree is a perfect genre.
10:03And there has to be at least four in every one of those movies.
10:06Yes, and I mean, resources are literally dwindling.
10:09We're running out of old ladies every day.
10:12We are, that's a statement.
10:15It's true, it's a precious resource.
10:16It's a precious resource.
10:17But every time we lose one, we gain one.
10:18It's a factual, that's true, but like, are we getting Lily Tomlin caliber old people?
10:22I'm not sure.
10:23Or is it like me?
10:24But, I do believe there's a savior out there.
10:30A genre that has not only been consistently popular since the dawn of human storytelling,
10:34but one that is uniquely suited to speak to our specific cultural place and time.
10:40That's why today I'm here to tell you, mouse cinema will save the movies.
10:46Yes.
10:47Cinema of mice.
10:49Yes.
10:50This rocks.
10:51Let's talk about what is mouse cinema and why does it resonate.
10:55For that, let's turn to the words of cinematic luminary Federico Fellini, who said,
11:00Movies are a dream we dreamt with our eyes open.
11:03Beautiful.
11:04Wow.
11:04And since the dawn of time, what hath consumed the dreams of man more than
11:09What if mice did people things?
11:12Yes.
11:13From the ancient fable of the mouse and the lion,
11:15to the tale of the country mouse and the town mouse,
11:18all the way back to the cave paintings of Fievels going west,
11:22anthropomorphic mice have long danced upon the dreams of men and women and everybody.
11:26I'm going to do a lot of, like, mice and men alliteration in this, so please forgive me.
11:31And why, did you know that mice even appear in what some have called the original blockbuster?
11:37The Bible?
11:38Wow.
11:39Look at this.
11:39This is a direct quote from the Bible.
11:41Thousands of mice attacked, I'm not going to pronounce that, camp,
11:44chewing through his shields, quivers and bow strings.
11:47I think I smell a passion of the mice,
11:49but let's fast forward a few centuries to the period between the late 70s and the early 90s.
11:55Generation X was young and mouse cinemas dominating the box office.
12:02Back then, you could not go to the multiplex without encountering a Fievel,
12:06a Basil, a Miss Brisby, a Rescuers, or even a Rescuers Down Under.
12:11Rescuers!
12:12It was an exciting time to be a young cinephile.
12:15Every night I was on the phone with my friends saying,
12:18when will Tadia Mouskiewicz get her own spinoff film?
12:22And let's not forget how this correlates with the one constant of Hollywood.
12:27If it's from the 80s, we've got to keep doing it.
12:30I think we can all agree.
12:31We can all agree.
12:32But I think the real reason mouse cinema is due for a resurgent is because
12:37mouse cinema is the cinema of hope.
12:40I'm going to get sincere now.
12:43I feel like we're living through dark times,
12:47and I know for myself it can all be so overwhelming.
12:51It feels like I'm constantly being reminded that I'm just this small, single little person
12:56in this big world where bad things are happening above me, outside of me,
13:01and there's nothing I can do about it.
13:03But mouse cinema engages directly with those feelings of hopelessness and insignificance
13:08and says, no, I don't care if I'm smaller than a blade of swamp grass.
13:13If there are injustices in the world, I'm going to form a smaller UN within the bigger UN
13:19with all my mouse friends and get shit done.
13:21What are the rescuer movies about if not community organizing?
13:26Guys, this is community organizing in action.
13:29And yeah, sometimes you've got to team up with a kangaroo mouse that you don't particularly like
13:35and it's kind of hitting on your mouse girlfriend, but it's beautiful.
13:39Yes, by getting us to empathize with the smallest of creatures,
13:43mouse cinema connects us with our own humanity
13:46and thus can tell deeply human stories.
13:49Stories about immigrants finding their way in America
13:52and maybe doing a little of westward expansionism.
13:56Stories about resistance in the face of fascism.
13:59The world's electing a lot of Rattigans these days
14:01and I say, be a Basil of Baker Street.
14:05Queer love story.
14:07We like, no, right?
14:08I mean, like, you know, like, not explicit,
14:11but they're making dresses for their bestie.
14:14We know it.
14:14We know it.
14:16Stories about single mothers fighting for their families
14:19armed only with love, courage, and at the end, like, an amulet that lets her move shit with her mind.
14:26But mostly love and courage.
14:29Who here is familiar with American tale?
14:32We all know it.
14:33We all know it.
14:33We're all raising our hand.
14:35What was that story about?
14:36Judaism.
14:37It was about Judaism.
14:39But it was also about a family separated by fantastic distances,
14:44trying to find a way to reach out to one another.
14:47Who does that remind you of?
14:49All of us during the pandemic.
14:51Wow.
14:52Weren't we all Fievel and his sister Tanya back then?
14:57Like, isolated, cut off from our loved ones,
15:00but still finding ways to reach out and say,
15:02somewhere out there, someone loves you.
15:06They did it through Moonlit Song Ballad.
15:08We did it through Jackbox and Zoom Hangs.
15:11But the principle is the same.
15:13When things get dire, mice and men and women and non-binary people and everyone persevere.
15:20And don't worry, Kevin Feige.
15:22We can still do all the typical superhero movie franchise bullshit that's popular these days.
15:27We can have phases with reboots.
15:31We can do a multiverse thing.
15:33We can go into the Mouse-a-verse.
15:35But I will say, I think maybe if there's a reason superhero cinema isn't resonating today,
15:41it's because now it's hard for us to feel like Captain Americas.
15:45It's hard to feel like Iron Man or Black Widows or Hulks or name your favorite superhero.
15:51But we can all feel like a Tanya Mouskiewicz.
15:54It's on Tanya Mouskiewicz's solo film coming sometime in 2027.
15:59This mouse cinema will help us connect the public and remind us that no matter how big and bad things seem
16:06and no matter how small we may feel, we can do great things.
16:10And that's why mouse cinema will save the movie.
16:14Oh my gosh.
16:17Wow.
16:18Joan, thank you for this very enlightening presentation.
16:22What is going to be the first mouse rom-com?
16:25Because that's a genre I'm interested in.
16:27Well, I mean, I think we all want to see Tanya Mouskiewicz get paired off with one of her suitors from Fievel Goes West.
16:35So I think like, you know, I mean, an Old West mouse rom-com does sound pretty enticing.
16:40That sounds incredible.
16:41Obviously, The Great Mouse Detective is a mouse take on the Sherlock Holmes books.
16:48Do you have any ideas for classic works of literature that we could perhaps make into mouse-themed movies?
16:56Well, I think we'd have to start with Pride and Pret-O-Cheese.
16:59Oh, love it.
16:59Yes, of course.
17:01Good, good, good, good, good, good.
17:02And then maybe we'd take it to sea with Colby Dick, Colby being a type of cheese.
17:07I don't want to get too controversial, but I noticed Ratatouille wasn't paired.
17:12And he's a rat, and I know he's a rat.
17:13That's a rat.
17:14That's a rat.
17:14I know he's a rat.
17:15So I'm wondering, do rats have a place in this world or no?
17:20No, only mice.
17:21Mice are cute, rats suck.
17:23Okay.
17:24I have a question about the Mickey Mouse of it all.
17:26Yes, okay.
17:27Disney is such a prevalent name in entertainment, and Mickey Mouse is sort of this iconic mouse.
17:33But I see that he's not really included in this universe.
17:36I don't feel Mickey counts as mouse cinema, because I think to qualify for mouse cinema,
17:41you have to be a mouse, an actual mouse in a human world.
17:45And Mickey is an anthropomorphic mouse in a world of other animals.
17:48He's like a man, a human man, with mouse behavior.
17:54He's more man than mouse.
17:55Yeah, yeah.
17:56His face is human skin.
17:58But his face is human skin with mouse crust.
18:01Right, but his voice is just a weird, uncanny value.
18:05We don't like Mickey.
18:06We don't.
18:07Not against Disney.
18:08We're Mickey-a-verse.
18:10We're Mickey-a-verse.
18:10And we're not committing slander right now.
18:12No, because it's true.
18:13I just was wondering, do you think that mice can not only save the cinema, but also save us all?
18:19That is my hope.
18:20That is what I feel, that if we, as viewers, as cinema-goers, connect with those stories, we might be able to find deeper levels of empathy within ourselves.
18:31Do you think that the mice will be able to see themselves in us?
18:35Yes, part of this does include, I do want to build small mouse movie theaters within our movie theaters.
18:42I think that'll also just be a draw to the cinema if you're like, yeah, there's like a little mouse movie theater in here.
18:47I think we're eating a piece of popcorn and it's so big.
18:49Yes, yes.
18:50That's going to be good.
18:51Yes.
18:52Joan, my final question to you.
18:54Should there be mouse dropout?
18:57Wow.
18:58Oh my God.
18:59So could there be like a little mouse me wearing this like exact same little mouse?
19:03Yes, then absolutely.
19:04I want to see mock-ups for it tonight.
19:08Someone at home, make mouse dropout.
19:11And what are the shows?
19:12Squeaky Pants.
19:13Squeaky Pants.
19:15Crumb, actually.
19:18Dymouston20.
19:19Yeah.
19:20Make some tiny noises.
19:22Yeah.
19:23Oh.
19:24If somebody draws me as a mouse, can I just request like comically large and adorable glasses for my little mouse?
19:29Yes.
19:30Absolutely.
19:31Wow.
19:32Joan, thank you so much.
19:34Wow.
19:34Incredible.
19:36Incredible.
19:42As you all know, sometimes we have to inform one another of some cold, hard truths.
19:48Today I'm bringing to you the results of scientific research that has been conducted over decades.
19:55Today, we're going to talk about cooking.
19:58Oh.
19:58And how, actually, it sucks and no one should ever do it.
20:02Oh.
20:02Oh.
20:03Before we get into all that, let's remind ourselves what cooking is, right?
20:07What is it?
20:08Well, cooking is a science.
20:09Oh.
20:09It is also, at the exact same time, an art.
20:12Oh.
20:13And because these two concepts are so diametrically, intrinsically opposed to one another, it ultimately means that cooking is nonsense.
20:19Pick a lane, cooking.
20:21What are you?
20:22Are you telling me that this is something where you can measure down to the nth degree, use the exact same measurements to recreate the recipe every single time?
20:29And yet, it's also, do whatever you think is right.
20:32Just wing it.
20:33Just feel it out.
20:34Well, I feel like that is bullshit.
20:36Wow.
20:36Okay?
20:37Famous chef and restaurateur Thomas Keller once said, a recipe has no soul.
20:42You as the cook must bring the soul to the recipe.
20:45I just want to make a quesadilla.
20:46Now I need to put a soul into it?
20:49Tom, relax.
20:50Take a chill pill.
20:51Yeah.
20:51One thing that sucks about cooking is that it's never worth the amount of time it takes.
20:57An average cooked, stuffed turkey apparently takes from three and a half to four and a half hours to make.
21:03Now I understand.
21:04No.
21:05Hang on.
21:05I understand that that is not an everyday meal.
21:07I get that.
21:08But.
21:09It's specifically a once per year.
21:11It is.
21:12However, the real question you should be asking is, when I put that turkey in my mouth, is that anywhere near close the amount of time it took to make it?
21:20The answer is no.
21:20Well, there's tradition behind it.
21:22Sure, there is.
21:23Racist tradition.
21:23Okay, you're right.
21:24Yes, I am.
21:25Oh.
21:26Oh.
21:26Oh.
21:27Oh, my God.
21:28But again.
21:28Gobble, gobbling up your words, Anna.
21:29Oh, my God.
21:30He got your ass.
21:31Yeah, big time.
21:32Taking a step back and just imagining a regular meal, not a Thanksgiving feast.
21:36I get it.
21:36A regular meal.
21:37We're supposed to do that three times a day?
21:39Cook?
21:39Based on this math, that's 12 hours.
21:42That's exactly right.
21:43That's way too many times.
21:4520-pound turkeys a day.
21:47I would need to cook for 12.
21:48Just cook one turkey at the beginning of the day.
21:51Potentially.
21:51Well, I mean, I eat between 30 and 54 pounds of turkey a day.
21:55Yeah.
21:55Who doesn't?
21:56But when you look at these numbers, here are things that you could be doing instead of
22:01cooking.
22:01Reading a book.
22:02Yeah.
22:03Doing your taxes.
22:04Get out in front of it.
22:05Get out in front of it.
22:06An everyday activity.
22:07An everyday activity.
22:08I love doing my taxes every day.
22:10How dare you?
22:10Instead of cooking, you could also be playing Nintendo 64.
22:13Yeah.
22:14Wait, what year?
22:15You could be re-watching Lost.
22:16Yeah.
22:17Do you think that you got a good handle on it the first time?
22:19Give it another go.
22:20It's an awesome show.
22:21You could build a Gundam model.
22:23Wait, what year has it become a lesbian?
22:25You could be gay and be having sex.
22:28Sex feels good.
22:30They are hot, so I got it.
22:31Do that instead of...
22:32I'd like to get in there.
22:33What would you rather be doing, cooking a turkey or having gay sex?
22:36I mean, I've been having gay sex, but why are they there?
22:39This is me taking that photo.
22:41You took that photo?
22:42That photo?
22:43I asked my friends...
22:44Did they know you were here?
22:44Did they know you were taking the picture?
22:45Yes, I asked them.
22:46I got their consent.
22:47Did you take all these photos?
22:49Yes, I did, of course.
22:50Walking your dog.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Playing with your cat.
22:53Apparently, they love it when you do that with them every day.
22:55I'm sorry.
22:55How are we meant to focus when these two women are pre-fucking...
23:00I'll get you their info.
23:01It kind of looks like they're wearing one continuous shirt.
23:04Yeah.
23:04And that's how lesbians have sex.
23:06Yeah.
23:06Oh.
23:08Cool.
23:08You know what?
23:09Instead of cooking, why not create a core memory with your child?
23:12You could be doing all of these things.
23:14Better yet, re-watching Breaking Bad.
23:15It's a great finale.
23:16Great show.
23:17Great excuse to start up Better Call Saul all over again.
23:21The other thing ultimately about cooking, the taste of food is whatever.
23:24It's fine.
23:25What?
23:26Always?
23:26Ever?
23:26Usually.
23:28Now, let me tell you about Emile, the best character from the movie Ratatouille.
23:32His brother Remy did show him, hey, if you take two delicious ingredients and put them
23:36together, you can create something fantastic.
23:38But Emile knew the truth.
23:40It's honestly not that much better than a handful of garbage.
23:43Has anyone here had Taco Bell?
23:45Yeah.
23:45It is garbage, but it's fucking delicious.
23:49And in my research, I have learned that most foods fall here in this chart of amazing food
23:54to rat poison.
23:55Here's the other thing about cooking.
23:57Let's be honest.
23:58It's boring.
23:59Okay?
23:59I'm sorry.
24:00I've got stuff to do.
24:02All right?
24:02I'm not Roy Choi.
24:04I can't just focus on a grilled cheese sandwich in a pan like it's the most important thing
24:07in the world, like he was trying to teach Jon Favreau at the end of the movie Chef.
24:10It's a grilled cheese sandwich.
24:12It's not more interesting than the show Lost.
24:14I'm sorry, Roy.
24:15Wow.
24:16The other thing you might be thinking is, Hector, you're supposed to be multitasking
24:20while you're cooking, right?
24:21Put something on the stove and then do something else, like watch Lost.
24:24But that's going to create a distracted cook, and that, my friends, is dangerous.
24:28I'm not trying to burn down my house.
24:30She's just putting her hands in there with no gloves?
24:32The other thing about cooking that I want to mention here is that we are not weaponizing
24:36our incompetence, folks, okay?
24:37I'm only giving you the scientific data that is proving why cooking sucks.
24:42I'm not trying to say that you can use this as an excuse to get out of doing chores like
24:46preparing dinner, okay?
24:47Doing laundry, taking out the trash, those things suck too, but we have to do them.
24:51Why not just learn to cook?
24:52And I'll tell you why.
24:53Because learning how to cook sucks.
24:55There are no mandatory classes in the United States education system.
24:59That is a real problem.
25:00You know what they're teaching you instead?
25:02They give you an egg, and they teach you how to take care of that egg.
25:04I don't need you to teach me how to take care of that egg.
25:06I need you to teach me how to cook that egg.
25:08They're handing out eggs.
25:10The other reason it sucks to learn about cooking is because when you get in there, when you
25:12get in the kitchen, kitchens have fire, and fire can burn you.
25:16Too dangerous.
25:17Plus, cooking is supposed to be passed down from experience by our parents.
25:22Our parents are supposed to teach us how to cook.
25:24The same people that screwed up raising us, traumatized us, we're supposed to count on
25:28those people and their patience as they teach us a skill that involves an open flame.
25:33Hard pass.
25:34And if you do happen to wrangle your parents away from whatever dumb thing they're doing,
25:39they never wrote down any of their recipes.
25:41It's all inconsistent.
25:42You cannot recreate your grandmother's cookies, so don't even try.
25:46Right?
25:46It's not even worth it.
25:47And if you try to do it on your own and go to a cookbook, they assume you know more
25:51about cooking than you actually do.
25:52And then, if you go to an article on the internet with a recipe, how do they all start?
25:56Four paragraphs of, I first discovered this recipe when I was on vacation in Italy with
26:00my husband.
26:00Shut up.
26:01Who cares?
26:02Nobody cares.
26:03Nobody cares.
26:04Yeah, I gotta scroll so fucking much.
26:06That's right.
26:0610,000 hours.
26:08Who has that?
26:09Canadian author Malcolm Gladwell and the Miles Teller movie Whiplash both popularized the
26:14idea that you could become really good at something if you just keep working at it.
26:17Usually, 10,000 hours.
26:18Yeah.
26:18This is actually, in fact, bullshit, which is good.
26:22You can't just yell at someone to get better?
26:24It's been disproven scientifically.
26:26What about all those improv classes we took?
26:30Well, some of you did get better, and you're all here today.
26:33Aw, thanks, Hector.
26:35Aw, thanks, Hector.
26:35But what does this mean for us?
26:37It means that no matter how much you practice, if you suck at cooking, you will always suck
26:42at cooking.
26:42Oh, wow.
26:43Which is cool.
26:45It is?
26:46That's sarcastic.
26:47It's not cool.
26:48Oh.
26:48Damn.
26:49It's uncool.
26:49Does anyone else think this chef looks like Shia LaBeouf in the Witness Protection
26:53program?
26:54Yeah.
26:54Yeah.
26:55After Megalopolis, he had to go in.
26:57If you don't believe me that cooking is incredibly difficult, here is an above-average difficulty
27:01recipe for a delicious chicken mole.
27:04According to the New York Times, it takes two hours and 15 minutes.
27:06That is already way too long.
27:08Why are you getting Mexican food recipes from the New York Times?
27:10I'm looking at what all the white people are doing.
27:12Great.
27:13This is part of the research.
27:14Absolutely.
27:15Normally, I get my Mexican recipes from inside my corazón, but right now...
27:18Wow.
27:19Beautiful.
27:19I'm trying to get into y'all's world.
27:21Didn't you also say you eat a lot of Taco Bell?
27:23Yeah.
27:23Okay, just perfect.
27:24Because I like to...
27:24Dale.
27:25Le mas.
27:26Gracias.
27:27Le mas.
27:28Great.
27:29Let me show you the insane amount of ingredients involved in this.
27:32Ingredients, you're thinking, I got that handled.
27:34No problem.
27:35It's just...
27:3578 grams of Chihuahua chili, 78 grams of ancho chili stemmed and seeded, 38 grams of
27:41pasilla chilies seeded and stemmed, 27 grams of guajillo chili stemmed and seeded.
27:45That's just the chilies, folks.
27:46I'm not going to read the rest of that.
27:48But right there at the bottom, in the smallest font known to man, it says a roast chicken
27:52or turkey for serving.
27:54I don't know how to roast a fucking chicken.
27:55Why did you just put that on there at the end?
27:57Why isn't that part of the recipe?
28:00Yeah.
28:02That's why I just be watching the loss.
28:03The other thing that sucks...
28:04Exactly, Joan.
28:06I definitely lost in this recipe, that's for sure.
28:09The other thing that sucks about cooking is that it creates too many dishes.
28:13This is...
28:14That is true.
28:15That is so true.
28:16And now I've won everybody over.
28:18Por ejemplo.
28:19Oh!
28:21For every single step in the process.
28:24Yes, because they're about to get torn up from the floor and up because you need to cook
28:28a meal simply for two people and you might end up using upwards of 42 different dishes.
28:33Forty-two?
28:34That's obscene.
28:34I've done it.
28:35Yes, it is.
28:36I tested it multiple times.
28:38You're thinking, use a dishwasher.
28:40I would, except that dishwashers cannot be trusted.
28:43Whoa, this is also true.
28:45They don't work.
28:46They normalize things not working and we shouldn't have to accept that.
28:49How many times has this happened to you?
28:51You go to get a dish that's been run through the dishwasher.
28:53You think, I'm going to use it.
28:54It's going to be clean.
28:55I need it right now.
28:56And then you see some crud on it.
28:57Yeah, that's clean.
28:58Because the dishwasher didn't do its job.
29:00It makes me sick.
29:01It happens literally every day to every human on earth.
29:04And it's very frustrating.
29:05But...
29:05And that's science.
29:07That's science.
29:08Yeah.
29:08Yes, it is.
29:09That's science.
29:09Okay.
29:10Okay.
29:10Up to this point, I've talked to you about why cooking and the process and the aftermath,
29:15why it all sucks.
29:15But I am not without solutions.
29:17Oh, yay!
29:18Oh, great.
29:18Let's manufacture some dishwashers that have little robot heads and cameras for eyes up
29:24on top that they can see all of the different crud.
29:26And then robot arms come out and are able to pick up the dish and move it around and actually
29:30clean the exact crud that they see on there that they're able to pinpoint.
29:34Once we do that, I'm going to be on board with dishwashers.
29:36But until then, I'm hand wash only, baby.
29:37This isn't even about cooking anymore.
29:39And the best part is, this is also going to get us closer to the Jetsons.
29:42Oh!
29:42Yeah, I see.
29:44Here are some other strategies for avoiding creating so many dishes whilst you're cooking.
29:50Okay.
29:50Right?
29:51Eat out of the pot.
29:52Yeah.
29:52That's true.
29:53It makes it feel like camping.
29:55Big spoon.
29:56I do like that.
29:57Eat off of the pan.
29:58Oh!
29:59It makes it feel like you're eating at Chili's.
30:02Yeah.
30:02Ooh, a fajita.
30:03Ooh, it's sizzling.
30:04A feeling I'm always trying to evoke.
30:06All the time.
30:06All the time.
30:08Other strategies include drink out of the carton.
30:11All right, that's not cooking.
30:12And lastly, you can eat over the trash can.
30:15Or as I like to call it, eating Hector style.
30:17Ooh.
30:18It saves time every time.
30:20Yeah.
30:20Wow.
30:21Folks, I want to also present you nutrient paste.
30:23Oh.
30:24Hear me out.
30:25Hear me out.
30:26What?
30:26Hear me out.
30:27Hear me out.
30:27Hear me out.
30:28Hear me out.
30:29Hear him out.
30:29The governments of the world should provide nutrient paste to all of the citizens of its nations
30:34to be quick, free, and it's meant to replace most meals.
30:38That way, we're going to be saving food for special occasions like a graduation or a romantic
30:43dinner.
30:44Yeah.
30:44Right?
30:45What about Thanksgiving or doing your taxes?
30:48Nutrient paste, nutrient paste.
30:49Wow.
30:50What if I prefer the French nutrient paste to the American nutrient paste?
30:54What's the name of the French one?
30:55Nutrient paste.
30:56You know what?
30:59It's a free country.
31:00It's a free world.
31:01Go for it.
31:02Imagine a world where your house could be free of the shackles of a kitchen.
31:06What if you didn't have to have a kitchen in your home?
31:09Here are some things to put in your house in place of kitchens.
31:11Yes.
31:12Pool table.
31:12Oh.
31:13Nice.
31:13Or a bunch of arcades.
31:15Yeah.
31:16Or some weights.
31:18Oh.
31:18Yeah.
31:19You in this example is 17.
31:24Also, more closet space.
31:25Yeah.
31:26Couldn't we all use more closet space?
31:28Yes.
31:28And lastly, my favorite, space for more books.
31:31Wow.
31:32What the?
31:33Are those the same books?
31:35Whoa.
31:36This used to be a kitchen.
31:37Whoa.
31:38You notice that there's no kitchen here at the Smarty Pants Society.
31:42You might have noticed.
31:43I'm hoping that someday we can live in a world where there are no kitchens
31:46mandatorily inserted into your house.
31:48And then you're asking me, Hector, how are we supposed to eat food?
31:51Well, we'll go out.
31:52We'll venture forth.
31:53And all food should be free.
31:55Wow.
31:55Yeah.
31:56That's true.
31:58Everywhere.
31:59Yeah.
31:59At all times.
32:00We like that.
32:01Like a cruise ship.
32:02Yes.
32:02Yeah.
32:03Yes.
32:04Exactly.
32:04I don't know exactly how this is going to work, but I do know that socialism is somehow
32:10involved in a major way, so we'll figure that out later.
32:12Okay.
32:12Great.
32:13But...
32:13Sort of dropping that.
32:15Yeah.
32:16Subtly, yeah.
32:17We'll get that.
32:17Part two.
32:18Part two.
32:18And I want to go back to the folks that do cook, whether they're good at it or for some
32:25reason they enjoy it.
32:26I just want you to know that you are loved and that if you decide to do that, in this
32:29world you should go out and you should cook and you should be paid extremely well, is what
32:34I believe.
32:35But all of your food should still be free for everyone else at all times.
32:38Interesting.
32:39Again, we'll figure out step two when we get there.
32:42You're dropping a lot of bombs at the end, yeah.
32:44To do with...
32:44Something to do with socialism.
32:46I think my biggest takeaway here that I'd all love to leave you with is that to get to
32:49this utopia, I think step one is going to have to include taxing all billionaires,
32:55obviously.
32:55Thank you so much.
32:56Oh, yeah.
32:58There we go.
33:00Thank you so much, Hector, for this enlightening presentation.
33:03Welcome.
33:04What does nutrient paste taste like?
33:06Are there flavors?
33:07Taco Bell.
33:07One and done.
33:08Easy.
33:09Just round up all the foods of Taco Bell.
33:13Think for a second.
33:13Are there different flavors at Taco Bell?
33:15No.
33:16Taco Bell is already pretty close to nutrient paste.
33:18Exactly.
33:20Exactly.
33:20Maybe you have a Baja Blast flavor.
33:22Nutrient paste.
33:23Live my best.
33:24Exactly.
33:26Hey, can I get a beefy five-layer nutrient paste?
33:28You got it.
33:28How do you feel about meal delivery services like HelloFresh or Blue Apron?
33:33I think I hate them.
33:34Okay.
33:34Yeah.
33:35To my core.
33:36Those things just as bad.
33:37To my core, yes.
33:38It's something that...
33:38But it takes out the work of getting all the ingredients.
33:42Sure.
33:42Yes.
33:43I don't fully, truly hate those things, but I do believe that all that effort, you're
33:48ultimately going to get a meal that's not that much better than a handful of garbage.
33:52Yeah.
33:52Question over here.
33:52Yeah, it seemed like a lot of your, I don't want to put fear on you, but fear of cooking
33:58comes from perhaps a fear of fire.
34:01How do you feel about cold-based cooking?
34:03Oh, ice cream?
34:04Ice cream?
34:05Salad?
34:06Well, that's...
34:06Snow cones?
34:07Uncooked sandwich?
34:08All in.
34:09All in.
34:10You mean just like a peanut butter and jelly?
34:12Peanut butter and jelly.
34:13Let me ask you this question.
34:14I'm glad you brought that up.
34:15If you go to a five-star Michelin, which is, I learned, named after the tire company, restaurant.
34:21It is?
34:21Okay, yeah.
34:22Yes, it is.
34:23The stars also do only go up to three.
34:25Sure.
34:26I'm envisioning a five-star restaurant.
34:28You go home, you make yourself a PB&J.
34:30Is it that much worse than the meal you just had?
34:32Good point.
34:32I would say yes.
34:34Oh.
34:34Right.
34:35They're different.
34:36They're different.
34:36Can you walk me through the last meal you actually cooked?
34:39Oh, great question.
34:39Sure.
34:40I made a childhood favorite, which is my usual go-to,
34:44which my mother called huevos con weenies,
34:47which all the Latinos are going to know what it is.
34:49It's scrambled eggs with cut-up hot dogs inside.
34:51To some, that is a low-class, you know, trashy meal.
34:55But it's the most delicious thing I've ever had in my life.
34:57Wow.
34:57Hector, thank you so much for this very helpful presentation.
35:02Si te puede.
35:02Yes.
35:03Thank you so much.
35:10Well, everyone, we learned a lot today.
35:13And with that, we must conclude this meeting of our secret society.
35:18So let us retreat back into the shadows,
35:21just a little more enlightened than we were before.
35:24Good night.
35:25Oh, that was so good.
35:35That was a big tomato.
35:36I got another one.
35:37Are you ready?
35:41Yeah, yeah.
35:42I still got it.
35:46Sorry.
35:47Whoa.
35:48Okay.
35:48Okay.
35:49Okay.
35:49Somebody did those team sports in school.
35:52Nice.
35:54Nice.
35:54Nice.
35:54Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:55Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:56Nice.
35:57Nice.
35:57Nice.
35:57Nice.
35:58Nice.
35:58Nice.
35:58Nice.
35:58Nice.
35:58Nice.
35:59Nice.
35:59Nice.
35:59Nice.
35:59Nice.
36:00Nice.
36:00Nice.
36:01Nice.
36:02Nice.
36:03Nice.
36:04Nice.
36:05Nice.
36:06Nice.
36:07Nice.
36:08Nice.
36:09Nice.
36:10Nice.
36:11Nice.
36:12Nice.
36:13Nice.
36:14Nice.
36:15Nice.
36:16Nice.
36:18Nice.
36:19Nice.
36:20Nice.
36:21Nice.
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